Destination wedding question

[JewelFreak]

Of course couples can get married in any fashion they want, Miss GR, and who can complain? As you said so well, though, they are not allowed to be upset when many invitees don't make it.

In my niece's case, for instance, it will be a great hardship for her parents to attend a wedding, say, in the Bahamas. They live in Colo., have little money, & budget every bit of it. My sister also doesn't get much vacation at her job -- she'll have to take unpaid time. Of course they wouldn't dream of missing it, but going will cause them great difficulty.

I don't feel terribly strongly one way or another, but I do think that unless the couple is paying the tab or all their friends can easily afford to go (time & money), it's self-centered. Why not just take their honeymoon in The Place?

--- Laurie

 

[Haven]

Am I reading this correctly?
The guests either have to stay at the wedding location OR pay an entrance fee to attend?

This doesn't sound like a wedding, this sounds like a group vacation!
The couple really isn't inviting you to anything if they aren't paying for anything. They are simply asking you to join them on a vacation, during which you will help pay for their wedding. I think it's very strange, and frankly, inappropriate.

As for destination weddings, I agree with the Miss Manners quote that a couple who chooses a destination wedding is really saying that the location is more important than the attendance of their loved ones. However, there's nothing wrong with that! If you really want to get married out of the country, and you are willing to make that choice even though it's likely that many of your loved ones won't be able to join you, then the Miss Manners statement seems pretty accurate. No shame in that game, though. I would have loved to get married out of the country, even if it meant it would have just been the two of us. (Sounds pretty darn romantic to me, especially since we love to travel.)

 

[stepcutnut]

It seems as if many have strong feelings about destination weddings in general-didn't want to 'stir the pot' was just curious what others thought about our situation.

I kind of had to chuckle when I read so many times over and over, just not to attend the wedding and forget about the invite-well in our case it is an immediate family member. One who didn't seem to give an out of country wedding(when 98% of their guests live within 45min. of one another-and we are not even one of those) a second thought, just assumed that all would happily attend. If, we chose not to attend the wedding it would cause a huge riff between us and the rest of the family-probably forever! So, we really feel kind of trapped by their decision!!! Then to find out that they are essentially getting a 'free ride' due to their guests overpaying for everything really made me angry!

I don't know anyone that ever planned a destination wedding that just ASSUMED that all family and close friends would attend. It is an expensive proposition for anyone to attend and quite galling IMO to assume and/or be angry if someone either wouldn't or couldn't attend the wedding. I think most people would at least float the idea out there with their families to see if there was interest or if it would just be downright impossible for most to attend.

I also don't know where this DW is to occur but I know of no one that has ever had their entire trip and wedding comped - even with a rather large showing of guests. It might sound like that or it might be possible if hundreds of guests came but the couple has to pay for their trip just like everyone else. The wedding itself is cheaper than if you were at home arranging for ceremony and reception venues (with a DW it is all done on premise of course - most weddings by the ocean or water) but there is still cost involved. In our situation, there were upgrades to flowers or champagne for everyone and not just the couple - things like that depending on the number of guests registered with the wedding - but certainly not completely covered by the guests attending. For the all inclusive resorts, the reason for charging outsiders a fee is that all resort guests meals and such are covered by their trip payment and those not staying there are obviously not covered. However, in all fairness, all of this was covered by the travel agent and by the resort before any of the plans were set. The couple should be well aware of all of this and perhaps it would have been on them to explain these things to all family members in particular before the invites went out. These things were certainly well shared with our family before the commitment was made.

This type of wedding was the bride and groom's choice and in all fairness, every couple has the right to decide which kind and where they want their wedding to be. How considerate they are of family involved is up to them. I know of a couple that decided to be married on a mountain in Colorado in the snow at a rather expensive resort. Believe it or not, it was a fairly formal wedding but due to the venue, many of their friends and family didn't attend. They accepted this of course and while disappointed, their greatest wish was to be married where they chose to be married. Most people were thrilled for them that they were able to make their own dream come true. In these instances, my deference is always to the couple. However, letting people off the proverbial hook for mandatory attendance is just good form.

The Bolded-Welcome to my world!

 

[MissStepcut]

stepcutnut, if this is immediate family, could you just say (maybe at a family event, with other members present), "You know, my beloved brother/sister/whatever, attending your wedding is going to be very difficult for the majority of your guests. Have to considered having a local reception, and doing your destination wedding as an elopement?" Maybe your family member will hold his or her ground, but sometimes people need it spelled out for them.

 

[slg47]

Maybe this is less polite than you're comfortable with, but I would be seriously tempted to contact the bride and say, "Oh my! The resort says they're charging $90 to attend your ceremony! Have you talked to them about waiving the fee for off-site wedding guests? It might be worth trying, since you're paying to have your whole event on their premises!"

I have done this hehe. My husband and I were invited to a wedding here in our town and the resort at which they had their reception charged a mandatory $50 valet fee. $50 on top of the wedding gift for a couple that was not more than a casual work friendship didn't sit well with me so I emailed the bride "out of curiosity" to see if maybe they had some type of deal with the hotel to waive that fee. About a week later I got an email saying that the fee would be waived. Now, I'm not sure if the bride negotiated that with the hotel, or if they just ended up paying the costs to the hotel or what, but it saved me $50

I would definitely do this.

our wedding venue charges $14 for valet parking and we are providing this for our guests. It doesn't seem right to 'charge' admission to the wedding!

 

[MissGotRocks]

It seems as if many have strong feelings about destination weddings in general-didn't want to 'stir the pot' was just curious what others thought about our situation.

I kind of had to chuckle when I read so many times over and over, just not to attend the wedding and forget about the invite-well in our case it is an immediate family member. One who didn't seem to give an out of country wedding(when 98% of their guests live within 45min. of one another-and we are not even one of those) a second thought, just assumed that all would happily attend. If, we chose not to attend the wedding it would cause a huge riff between us and the rest of the family-probably forever! So, we really feel kind of trapped by their decision!!! Then to find out that they are essentially getting a 'free ride' due to their guests overpaying for everything really made me angry!

I don't know anyone that ever planned a destination wedding that just ASSUMED that all family and close friends would attend. It is an expensive proposition for anyone to attend and quite galling IMO to assume and/or be angry if someone either wouldn't or couldn't attend the wedding. I think most people would at least float the idea out there with their families to see if there was interest or if it would just be downright impossible for most to attend.

I also don't know where this DW is to occur but I know of no one that has ever had their entire trip and wedding comped - even with a rather large showing of guests. It might sound like that or it might be possible if hundreds of guests came but the couple has to pay for their trip just like everyone else. The wedding itself is cheaper than if you were at home arranging for ceremony and reception venues (with a DW it is all done on premise of course - most weddings by the ocean or water) but there is still cost involved. In our situation, there were upgrades to flowers or champagne for everyone and not just the couple - things like that depending on the number of guests registered with the wedding - but certainly not completely covered by the guests attending. For the all inclusive resorts, the reason for charging outsiders a fee is that all resort guests meals and such are covered by their trip payment and those not staying there are obviously not covered. However, in all fairness, all of this was covered by the travel agent and by the resort before any of the plans were set. The couple should be well aware of all of this and perhaps it would have been on them to explain these things to all family members in particular before the invites went out. These things were certainly well shared with our family before the commitment was made.

This type of wedding was the bride and groom's choice and in all fairness, every couple has the right to decide which kind and where they want their wedding to be. How considerate they are of family involved is up to them. I know of a couple that decided to be married on a mountain in Colorado in the snow at a rather expensive resort. Believe it or not, it was a fairly formal wedding but due to the venue, many of their friends and family didn't attend. They accepted this of course and while disappointed, their greatest wish was to be married where they chose to be married. Most people were thrilled for them that they were able to make their own dream come true. In these instances, my deference is always to the couple. However, letting people off the proverbial hook for mandatory attendance is just good form.

The Bolded-Welcome to my world!

Yes, and if that is your circumstance I feel for you. However, we all have the power of choice and if I wasn't comfortable traveling, paying the money or being forced to take my vacation in this way I'd just say no. I would explain my circumstance to them - or at least as far as I wanted to explain it - and just decline. If they get angry or hold it against you, oh well. They'll have to get over it. This is all part and parcel of planning this type of event and if they don't understand up front that there may well be more people than just you that can't or won't go, shame on them. Very short sighted. I just wouldn't be held emotional hostage by family members over it. I know that's easier said than done and I don't know or can't appreciate the dynamics of your family but still. . . this is an area that goes way above reason. I also think these were conversations that should have been broached before the invite came.

 

[tina sparkle]

Sometimes people plan a destination wedding because they don't want to deal with all the drama that comes with a standard wedding. It's their day after all, if they want to get married at a beautiful destination, with only their family and close friends, who choose to attend, why not? It's also an option being chosen by older brides and grooms who don't need or want a big wedding. Whichever option a couple chooses more power to them.

 

[nkarma]

Just an FYI for everyone. If a wedding is at an all inclusive resort which a majority of them are, it is the absolute norm that guests pay for most of the wedding. All the bride and groom pay for is a discounted package for flowers, officiant, etc...usually a couple thousand. All food and drinks are paid for in the guests price per night since it is all inclusive.

As for the DW debate, I am biased as I had one. I think the issue comes where brides and grooms expect guests to attend. I wanted to get married on a tropical beach and they for some reason don't have one in my hometown. Ergo, the few people we wanted to attend had their expenses paid for. We didn't comp them vacation time though all of them want to go back to the destination and rave about our wedding quite regularly. The experience of spending several days on vacation with your family and friends is absolutely unforgettable and irreplaceable imho.

 

[Gypsy]

I can honestly say that as long as the couple realizes that some of their guest will opt not to come or even be mildly irritated about coming... then they can do what they want. I think the 90 fee is tacky and that's something the couple should have negotiated out or covered themselves.

I don't have any issue with destination weddings and always think they sound like a blast.

An invite is just that... you don't have to accept. Say no thank you and send a gift with your regrets... all done.

 

[Gypsy]

Just an FYI for everyone. If a wedding is at an all inclusive resort which a majority of them are, it is the absolute norm that guests pay for most of the wedding. All the bride and groom pay for is a discounted package for flowers, officiant, etc...usually a couple thousand. All food and drinks are paid for in the guests price per night since it is all inclusive.

That's what I assumed the situation was. The bride and groom pay for having a private party, so they pay for that, a cake, flowers and photography.

 

[mrscushion]

Maybe this is less polite than you're comfortable with, but I would be seriously tempted to contact the bride and say, "Oh my! The resort says they're charging $90 to attend your ceremony! Have you talked to them about waiving the fee for off-site wedding guests? It might be worth trying, since you're paying to have your whole event on their premises!"

I have done this hehe. My husband and I were invited to a wedding here in our town and the resort at which they had their reception charged a mandatory $50 valet fee. $50 on top of the wedding gift for a couple that was not more than a casual work friendship didn't sit well with me so I emailed the bride "out of curiosity" to see if maybe they had some type of deal with the hotel to waive that fee. About a week later I got an email saying that the fee would be waived. Now, I'm not sure if the bride negotiated that with the hotel, or if they just ended up paying the costs to the hotel or what, but it saved me $50

I would definitely do this.

our wedding venue charges $14 for valet parking and we are providing this for our guests. It doesn't seem right to 'charge' admission to the wedding!

Yes, in the OP's case, since she says she really has to go or it will cause a huge rift she doesn't want, this is what I would do. Paying the $90 (per person!!) and meekly keeping mum about it? No way, Jose!

 

[stepcutnut]

Thank you for those who have given thoughtful responses to a somewhat delicate matter.

My issue is not with the fact that the couple actually chose to have a destination wedding in the first place---that is entirely their choice no matter how rude/inappropriate it was handled in OUR situation. It was just the couple being their normal selfish selves

MY issue is with the fact that you as a guest at this resort will be paying for the entire wedding-food, drink, flowers, decorations, officiant, private rooms, photographer, cake, the couples entire stay, hair, makeup, etc---honestly it looked like literally everything I could think of needing for a wedding was listed under the comped list of items OR you can stay elsewhere and pay a fee to enter onto the property to be a guest at their wedding. To me this just seems really tacky-period!

I'm sure there will be those who will continue to believe that destination weddings are the best option and others that will continue to completely despise the idea of them in general---this thread was not intended to debate this, only the fact that the couple in MY situation will be getting a FREE RIDE with their wedding and how others would deal with a similar situation.

 

[MissGotRocks]

You are absolutely correct - it is an option for a wedding and it works out splendidly for some and not so much for other families.

I really am not aware of any DW that comp the whole wedding and trip for a couple but perhaps they do exist. I would personally feel very put upon if this was the case and would have a hard time paying money and attending - no matter who it was. This was not the case in my situation and for us it was a wonderful experience. My daughter got married the next year and she opted for the very traditional wedding - it was wonderful as well but there were times along the way she wondered if she shouldn't have done it the way her brother did! However, they each chose their own weddings and were each pleased with how it turned out. They enjoyed each other's options though and there were no hard feelings within our families.

To answer your original questions though - how would you feel and how would you handle it - If it were presented to me the way it appears to be presented to you I truly don't think I'd have any issues with declining. I'm sure you don't want to be the cause of a major upset in the family but I still think this is above and beyond the normal in expectations. I would send my regrets and a gift and be done with it. I hate being forced into something that I don't fully support - particularly when it does involve a lot of money, time and travel. It's too bad that these young people haven't taken other people's feelings into consideration.

Best of luck to you in your decision - you're sort of damned if you do and damned if you don't. Have you spoken to other people in the family? Perhaps they're having the same reaction as you are and maybe you could all put your heads together and come up with a united answer - either yay or neah!

 

[Blackpaw]

hmm lots of heated responses im surprised people care that much to be honest....

Stepcutnut, ive never heard of this business of having your wedding comped by virtue of your guests staying the venue - that is tacky, i would be irritated too from what you've written, i would suggest that you definitely should not attend. You clearly dont care to travel for the wedding (especially since the free-ride thing came up), and you've written some nasty things about this couple, it would be hypocritical of you to go. And i can imagine if they knew what you say about them behind their backs they wouldnt want you there!

destination weddings are a PITA it seems, but then so far ive found all weddings a PITA

i just got engaged, my SO and i live in Canada, our family and friends are mostly in australia but there's also a bunch in ireland and the uk, and of course our close friends now are in Canada. We cant get time off in the australian summer or spring to get married there, so what do we do? (before anyone suggests the winter ill have you think again, it would be AWFUL!!)

i would like to elope, because i am one of those that miss manners denigrates plus that would be the easiest thing under the sun for all our 'guests' - just not having any in the first place!

 

[amc80]

Just out of curiousity, is this a $andals resort? They do have some wedding packages that are free if you have a certain number of guests staying at the resort. Most people I know of who have had weddings there end up paying quite a bit to upgrade.

Also, the resort fee isn't specifically to attend the wedding, it's for anyone not staying there to be able to go to the resort in general...it's a day pass.

That's a pretty tricky issue, in my opinion. If it were my wedding I would probably just cover it, but I would also really encourage people to stay at the resort. Not just to avoid the fee or to get credit, but to be able to all be together.

 

[stepcutnut]

Just out of curiousity, is this a $andals resort? They do have some wedding packages that are free if you have a certain number of guests staying at the resort. Most people I know of who have had weddings there end up paying quite a bit to upgrade.

Also, the resort fee isn't specifically to attend the wedding, it's for anyone not staying there to be able to go to the resort in general...it's a day pass.

That's a pretty tricky issue, in my opinion. If it were my wedding I would probably just cover it, but I would also really encourage people to stay at the resort. Not just to avoid the fee or to get credit, but to be able to all be together.

No, not a Sandals resort. Yes I do understand the $90.00 would be for a day pass, but the only reason we would be at that resort is because of their wedding-other than that we would be meeting up with the rest of family in other locations to do some fun day trips.

 

[stepcutnut]

hmm lots of heated responses im surprised people care that much to be honest....

Stepcutnut, ive never heard of this business of having your wedding comped by virtue of your guests staying the venue - that is tacky, i would be irritated too from what you've written, i would suggest that you definitely should not attend. You clearly dont care to travel for the wedding (especially since the free-ride thing came up), and you've written some nasty things about this couple, it would be hypocritical of you to go. And i can imagine if they knew what you say about them behind their backs they wouldnt want you there!

destination weddings are a PITA it seems, but then so far ive found all weddings a PITA

i just got engaged, my SO and i live in Canada, our family and friends are mostly in australia but there's also a bunch in ireland and the uk, and of course our close friends now are in Canada. We cant get time off in the australian summer or spring to get married there, so what do we do? (before anyone suggests the winter ill have you think again, it would be AWFUL!!)

i would like to elope, because i am one of those that miss manners denigrates plus that would be the easiest thing under the sun for all our 'guests' - just not having any in the first place!

Unfortunately, we are kind of darned if we go and darned if we choose not to go---so am feeling kind of 'stuck' with the situation. As far as the things I have written not being nice, the only thing I see that could be construed that way is the comment about them being selfish and that isn't nasty---just True(you'd have to meet them to understand)! Good luck with your elopement, it sounds like a wonderful idea

 

[stepcutnut]

You are absolutely correct - it is an option for a wedding and it works out splendidly for some and not so much for other families.

I really am not aware of any DW that comp the whole wedding and trip for a couple but perhaps they do exist. I would personally feel very put upon if this was the case and would have a hard time paying money and attending - no matter who it was. This was not the case in my situation and for us it was a wonderful experience. My daughter got married the next year and she opted for the very traditional wedding - it was wonderful as well but there were times along the way she wondered if she shouldn't have done it the way her brother did! However, they each chose their own weddings and were each pleased with how it turned out. They enjoyed each other's options though and there were no hard feelings within our families.

To answer your original questions though - how would you feel and how would you handle it - If it were presented to me the way it appears to be presented to you I truly don't think I'd have any issues with declining. I'm sure you don't want to be the cause of a major upset in the family but I still think this is above and beyond the normal in expectations. I would send my regrets and a gift and be done with it. I hate being forced into something that I don't fully support - particularly when it does involve a lot of money, time and travel. It's too bad that these young people haven't taken other people's feelings into consideration.

Best of luck to you in your decision - you're sort of damned if you do and damned if you don't. Have you spoken to other people in the family? Perhaps they're having the same reaction as you are and maybe you could all put your heads together and come up with a united answer - either yay or neah!

Yes-we have spoken to other family members and most are feeling really put out by this situation, but at this point feel as if they have to attend and that we should also.

 

[Blackpaw]

hmm lots of heated responses im surprised people care that much to be honest....

Stepcutnut, ive never heard of this business of having your wedding comped by virtue of your guests staying the venue - that is tacky, i would be irritated too from what you've written, i would suggest that you definitely should not attend. You clearly dont care to travel for the wedding (especially since the free-ride thing came up), and you've written some nasty things about this couple, it would be hypocritical of you to go. And i can imagine if they knew what you say about them behind their backs they wouldnt want you there!

destination weddings are a PITA it seems, but then so far ive found all weddings a PITA

i just got engaged, my SO and i live in Canada, our family and friends are mostly in australia but there's also a bunch in ireland and the uk, and of course our close friends now are in Canada. We cant get time off in the australian summer or spring to get married there, so what do we do? (before anyone suggests the winter ill have you think again, it would be AWFUL!!)

i would like to elope, because i am one of those that miss manners denigrates plus that would be the easiest thing under the sun for all our 'guests' - just not having any in the first place!

Unfortunately, we are kind of darned if we go and darned if we choose not to go---so am feeling kind of 'stuck' with the situation. As far as the things I have written not being nice, the only thing I see that could be construed that way is the comment about them being selfish and that isn't nasty---just True(you'd have to meet them to understand)! Good luck with your elopement, it sounds like a wonderful idea

Thank you stepcutnut however im sure you know that its not going to please anyone/everyone! seems like nothing will with a wedding...

that said, i still think you shouldnt have to go to this wedding, and especially since so many other people feel its an obligation they'd rather not fulfil - perhaps you could band together with a few other people feeling the same way, that way your non-attendance doesnt look like its just you out on a limb being mean? i for one think that the thing with destination weddings is you honestly cant expect anyone to attend, and have to look at whoever does as a bonus...

 

[Haven]

I 100% agree with Blackpaw. I don't think you should go to this wedding if you don't want to go.
Besides, if your choice to abstain from attending a costly destination wedding is going to cause a rift between you and some family members, I imagine that you are (sadly) at a high risk for experiencing this rift at some point in the future, anyway. In other words, if it's not this, it's likely to be something else.

Unreasonable people have a way of finding things to be unreasonable about, no matter what you choose to do.

 

[MissGotRocks]

I 100% agree with Blackpaw. I don't think you should go to this wedding if you don't want to go.
Besides, if your choice to abstain from attending a costly destination wedding is going to cause a rift between you and some family members, I imagine that you are (sadly) at a high risk for experiencing this rift at some point in the future, anyway. In other words, if it's not this, it's likely to be something else.

Unreasonable people have a way of finding things to be unreasonable about, no matter what you choose to do.

This, unfortunately, is very true. You'd hate to survive this ordeal by buckling under and going only to find another drama fest somewhere down the road with these same people.

 

[gardengloves]

Well, we had a small destination wedding in Florida Keys....we had our boat down there.. it was a second marriage and we were older.. so we knew the folks invited could afford if schedules permitted... close family we paid for... we wanted the sea and sailing life that drew us together be a theme for our wedding, we had around 30 people who came and it was great. we took them out on snorkeling and scuba tours, and sunset BBQ cruises - lots of laughs and a BBQ grill going over board! , had a cocktail reception on the boat at dock before the wedding, sunset beach wedding --- gave everyone a spa treatment at the local hotel where guest where staying and it was great.. I think folks had fun, sure hope so.. but bear in mind.. this was second marriage