Dealing with grief

[Kay]

This is probably an odd thing to post here, but I’m feeling really low tonight. I lost my closest girl friend a year ago – tomorrow is actually the one-year anniversary of her death. She took her own life, and it was such a shock. I called her about 36 hours before it happened to invite her out for her birthday later that week. We talked for about 25 minutes and everything seemed fine. I almost called her the next night (Sunday) because I saw a commercial that one of our favorite shows was going to start airing again the next night after a several week hiatus, and I was going to call to let her know, then I realized it was after 11pm and figured I should wait until the next day. I’ve wished I had just called because she died about 3 hours later.

I feel like I just missed signs she needed help. Even after a year, I still just break down sobbing sometimes when something reminds me of her. I don’t even want to look at my wedding pictures because she was my MOH. I feel such a mixture of shock, hurt, anger, guilt, sadness and loneliness. I’d never lost a friend my age before, and it still just tears me up inside – I don’t know how to get past this.

I had scheduled time off for tomorrow, because I figured I’d be a mess and I don’t want to cry at my office (which I’m doing now, but no one else is still here). Unfortunately, an “emergency” project came in today, so I pretty much have to work tomorrow. I guess it’s just as well – if I stayed home I’d just stay in bed crying all morning and start drinking at noon.

 

[KimberlyH]

Kay,

I am so sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong way to deal with your feelings, and as many times as you hear ''there''s nothing you could have done to prevent this'' I''m sure it doesn''t make you feel any better about the situation; but really, there is nothing you could have done to have prevented this. People who are so sad that they can contemplate taking their own life/actually follow through and commit suicide cannot be rationalized with. If you believe in something bigger than you, find solace in knowing that she is out there somewhere looking down on you and wants you to go on to live the best life you can. If not, learn a lesson from her short life, that every day is worth living to its fullest and enjoy the moments, big and small, in the here and now, with those you love, because goodness knows life is too short. It sounds cliche for a reason, it bears repeating even when we''re tired of hearing it.

My heart goes out to you.

~K

 

[hlmr]

I''m so sorry for your terrible loss Kay. To lose a close friend is hard enough, to lose them to suicide is much worse.

I know you wish you could turn back time and make that phone call the night she took her life, but perhaps she would have just sounded the same as she had earlier in the day and you still wouldn''t have known what was in her head and heart that night.

It is not your fault she died and not your responsibility to bear that guilt. Have you had any counselling or shared these feelings with anyone else? I know it is hard to not feel guilty, but sometimes we are helpless to help the people we love.

 

[diamondfan]

Losing anyone is so hard, especially when they take their own life. It is easy for us to think we might have been able to do something to stop it, but sadly that is often not true. I am so sorry you are hurting and miss her so much. I would think she must have been really in a terrible place to do this. I am sure you are not the only one who misses her. Take care of yourself, and even though it hurts, do not shut of the memories of the good times. I just wish she had been able to see a way out of what it was that was so difficult for her to live with...for the sake of all those who loved her.

 

[Kaleigh]

Gosh Kay, I am sorry for your loss. I lost a dear friend to suicide, in college and an Aunt as well. May I suggest you see a grief counselor?? I am not someone that hasn't experienced loss. My brother died, then my grandfather, one of my best friends and my grandmother. I never sought out counseling until my grandmother died. It made all the difference in the world. I was holding it up all inside and that's not healthy. I allowed myself to mourn all the deaths I have experienced. It's ok, to be angry too. In your case, I know that feeling, if only you had done something. I did try in my friends case, but you know what?? It's not your fault. She wanted to take her life. I'm sure you were a great friend to her. It's very sad, and so tragic, but don't blame yourself, OK?? Hang in there, and seek out a grief counselor.

Sending you a hug!!!

 

[Harleigh]

Dear Kay,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your friend, but please know that you are not to blame. You were a good friend, and there was nothing you could have done differently. Please don''t be so hard on yourself...I am so glad you posted on here...know that we are all here for you, and anytime you want to "talk" (virtually, anyway) we are here to listen. I am so sad for you, and from my own experience, know how hard tomorrow will be for you. Please try to hang in there, and try to remember all of the kind, loving and special things about your friend...those will keep you going for years to come. She knows you loved her, and there is nothing you could have done to change what happened. Please don''t be so hard on yourself...

Sending hugs your way...I''ll be thinking about you!

 

[Skippy123]

Kay, I am so sorry about your friend. I have never been through that type of loss, but I am wishing you strength and peace during this time. ((((Hugs sweet Kay)))

 

[phoenixgirl]

I''m thinking about you Kay . . .

Your best friend choosing to end her life is soooo sad and tragic, but it was not your fault, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. No phone call or trip or note could have changed the place she was at, her secret thoughts and pain.

Hugs and prayers your way . . .

 

[lyra]

I''m so sorry for your loss, Kay. I agree with Kayleigh completely, as I have also faced a lot of losses in my life. Seeking out some short term counselling might be a very good idea. It really does help to have someone impartial to open up to. Take care.

 

[ephemery1]

So sorry about your loss, Kay...

But you have done a good thing for yourself by posting here, and being so open and honest about your feelings... it sounds like you are a strong person who cares deeply about the people in your life.

I lost a close friend in college (a drunk-driving accident/possible suicide) and though it has been 9 years, there is still a lot of pain and regret there. The first year (and first year anniversary) was definitely the hardest for me... because after a few months, it seems as though other people are forgetting and moving on (or expecting YOU to forget and move on), and you begin to feel lonely and confused about still being so upset.

Grief counseling can be very helpful (I am a therapist and do some grief work) but be careful not to put pressure on yourself about it. Just be open-minded and give it at least a few sessions to see how it is working for you... the process can be slow sometimes, overwhelming other times... but if you come away feeling a bit stronger, a bit more at peace... it will be worth it.

In the meantime, let yourself feel the pain tomorrow but don't dwell on the "regretting" side of things if possible... over time, it does get easier to focus on the good stuff (what you loved about her), and the actual circumstances of the loss become less substantial. Lots of warm thoughts for you.....

 

[snlee]

Kay, I''m so sorry for your loss. How terribly sad. I''m sure you''ve heard this many times already and it doesn''t really help the pain but please know that there was nothing you could have done. Don''t blame yourself. Seeing a grief counselor is a good idea. I think it''s good that you have work tomorrow so you can try to keep your mind off of this very sad and tragic event. I wish you lots of strength during this difficult time. *hugs*

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes it is hard to understand death. She wasn''t well. Hopefully now she has some peace.

 

[monarch64]

Kay, I''m sorry you lost your friend...I''m not good at helping people with grieving because I''ve been fortunate enough to have not lost anyone close to me yet, even at 30, but my heart goes out to you. Grief counseling sounds like a good option for you, I hope you can bring yourself to get in some sessions with a good therapist and come to terms with your feelings about this loss. I am speculating but I think your friend probably cared for you very much and would want you to go on living a positive and happy life, and she likely didn''t want her death to burden you as it seems to have. Whatever you would''ve said to her to dissuade her from taking her own life, maybe you should say to yourself right now...I know when I''ve been verrrrry down about certain things in my own life my best girl friends have said to me, "what would you tell me if I were in your situation," you know? Do the best you can, and please seek some professional counseling, I think it would really help you get through the grieving. You''ll always remember your friend and she''ll always be with you because of that, but you can''t let yourself get bogged down by your sadness over the loss...best of luck to you, and again, so sorry you had to experience this and that your friend has passed.

 

[Kay]

Date: 8/20/2007 11:49:34 PM
Author: ephemery1

The first year (and first year anniversary) was definitely the hardest for me... because after a few months, it seems as though other people are forgetting and moving on (or expecting YOU to forget and move on), and you begin to feel lonely and confused about still being so upset.

Yes, that''s just how I''ve been feeling. My DH and friends were amazingly supportive the first several weeks, but after while, it was time for things to get back to "normal" and I stopped talking about it and tried to move on. Some of my friends knew her because she used to work for our company several years ago, but they hadn''t stayed super close with her. I don''t really want to bring it up any more with them (except DH of course, who has witnessed some of my melt downs) after so much time, so it is nice to be able to vent here.

 

[Kay]

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It''s been a long, rough night, and you''ve made me feel less lonely. I finally finished the project my boss needed by 10 am, so I''m home now. DH is already asleep, so I''m going to curl up on the couch with a glass of wine and a movie until I can sleep.

I''m hoping I can let this go some more once the anniversary is past. Logically, I know I couldn''t have done anything, but it is hard not to wonder. I hope to get to the point where I can remember the good times w/o the darker thoughts creeping in. Maybe it is time to consider grief counseling.

Thank you all & good night.

 

[Joolskie]

Kay... I am thinking of you today. It is such a natural human reaction to dwell on what you might have been able to do. You are obviously a wonderful and caring friend. As you grieve and let the tears flow, remember the happiness this friendship brought to your life. Perhaps a smile or two might be able to form through the tears...

 

[nytemist]

Big hug to you Kay- I''m sorry that you are feeling so down. But I understand and I sympathize. Someone I knew in college took their own life and it was real tough to deal with. My roommate and I spent weeks every evening wondering what didn''t we see, or were we not good enough friends that we weren''t paying close enough attention. Took a while for us to really believe it was not because of something we did/didn''t do. It hurts since you miss her terribly and I''m sorry for your loss. It sounds stupid to say ''it gets easier'' but it does. 3 months ago was the second anniversary of my dad passing away and I still sat at my desk a couple of times and cried. You will start to heal.

Proudly look at your photos and see that she was so happy for you. I''m sure she still smiles at you.

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 8/21/2007 4:54:31 AM
Author: Kay

Date: 8/20/2007 11:49:34 PM
Author: ephemery1

The first year (and first year anniversary) was definitely the hardest for me... because after a few months, it seems as though other people are forgetting and moving on (or expecting YOU to forget and move on), and you begin to feel lonely and confused about still being so upset.

Yes, that''s just how I''ve been feeling. My DH and friends were amazingly supportive the first several weeks, but after while, it was time for things to get back to ''normal'' and I stopped talking about it and tried to move on. Some of my friends knew her because she used to work for our company several years ago, but they hadn''t stayed super close with her. I don''t really want to bring it up any more with them (except DH of course, who has witnessed some of my melt downs) after so much time, so it is nice to be able to vent here.

Kay, were you close to her family at all? Or any other friends of hers? It can be really helpful to stay in touch with people like that around anniversaries (of her death, her birthday, etc)... even if you don''t know them well, just to call or send an email to say: "This sucks, doesn''t it?"

Also, I wrote a lot of letters to my friend over the past 9 years... obviously they were never sent anywhere, but it does help to put things down on paper, and somehow helps you feel more connected.

There is no "normal" when it comes to losing someone like that... so don''t feel as though you need to be "getting over it" any quicker than you are. When you feel bad, talk about it.... either here, or in a journal, or to your DH, or to a therapist. Just don''t make yourself feel even worse by telling yourself you should be handling things differently. You are doing everything right.

 

[Pandora II]

I''m so sorry to hear what you are going through Kay. I have been there myself.

10 years ago this November my ex-bf, who I had split up with a few months previously after living together for 7 years, hanged himself.

Two nights before he had rung me and begged me to go back to him and asked me to marry him. We had had a very difficult relationship, he was an alcoholic with everything that goes with it and I had really struggled to breakaway.

I knew something was very wrong, but couldn''t put my finger on it and it plagued me all weekend. I had gone caving on the Sunday and kept dropping things and not concentrating to the extent that the people with me asked if I was okay. I really wanted to call him that night, but I knew he was seeing someone else and that she had gone mad at him when he had called me a few weeks earlier. I decided not to as it was late and I didn''t want to cause any problems between them.

About 3 hours later he killed himself.

I went completely off the rails for about 3 weeks - I was living in Italy at the time so had no family there. I should have gone home to my parents but stupidly decided to keep trying to work and be normal. I was sent to the hospital by my company and stuffed full of tranquillisers as I hadn''t slept in a week by then.

I think it took me about 3 years and a lot of counselling to come to terms with it, and it''s only been since I met FI that I have stopped feeling guilty,feeling angry and stopped having nightmares about it.

I had never realised what a terrible effect suicide has on so many people before. I just thought everyone thought how sad, and how unhappy that person must have been. In fact people feel angry, hurt, devalued and immensely guilty, all on top of the ordinary grief of losing someone. It is terrible to leave someone endlessly wondering what if - what if they had called, what if they had spotted the signs, what if they had been there more often. I blamed myself hugely for a very long time.

One year on is really a very short amount of time to come to terms with something like this. You might well find some counselling would help. I found it very helpful talking to a psychologist about the generalities of suicide and how it was unlikely that I could have changed things that night. It also helped me hugely to talk about him in a ''normal'' way.

It drove me mad that for months everytime I mentioned his name everyone just stiffened and changed the topic. He had been a huge part of my life and the first person I loved and it was so easy to say things like - "Oh I first watched this movie with x" the way you would normally in conversation, and have everyone look like I''d sworn in church!

I can promise you that it does get better in time. I still find it painful being in certain places, or if I remember the phonecall when they told me he was dead, but it doesn''t consume me the way it did.

Look after yourself, try to remember the good bits, don''t feel guilty - I''m sure that she didn''t intend you to, and allow yourself to feel sad, angry or whatever other emotion takes you.

 

[poshpepper]

Date: 8/21/2007 5:09:36 AM
Author: Kay
Thank you all for your kind words and support. It's been a long, rough night, and you've made me feel less lonely. I finally finished the project my boss needed by 10 am, so I'm home now. DH is already asleep, so I'm going to curl up on the couch with a glass of wine and a movie until I can sleep.

I'm hoping I can let this go some more once the anniversary is past. Logically, I know I couldn't have done anything, but it is hard not to wonder. I hope to get to the point where I can remember the good times w/o the darker thoughts creeping in. Maybe it is time to consider grief counseling.

Thank you all & good night.

Kay, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I cannot even imagine what you are going through. I think you "hit the nail on the head" with the sentence I highlighted (many have suggested it already and it truly does help). Somethings require outside assistance to get through and work past, and this seems like one of those. Please don't think that going to a therapist or councilor makes you weak or vulnerable. Many times they help you immensely.

I wish you the best!

 

[rainbowtrout]

I think the nice thing about a counselor is that they aren''t there to judge you and they aren''t going to be burned out by your feelings as friends or family might be. All in all probably not a bad idea just to have someone to talk to.

I myself have no experience right now, although some near misses, knock on wood. I do have close friends and family who have lost loved ones, and the only advice I have drawn from it is this:

Our (American) society puts too short a timeline on grief. You can''t box it up neatly, you can''t decide how long it''s supposed to or going to take, and you can''t make it go away with pills or work. You just have to go through it and keep getting out of bed in the morning until you make a peace with it--and you are the only person who has any say in when that is going to be. As long as your grief isn''t interfering with your life or your marriage in an undue fashion, I would not worry about the length of time it takes you, it will work itself out eventually.

 

[Kay]

Thank you all for your support and for sharing your stories with me. It has been a rough week, but it helped to have a place where I could express my feelings w/o having a breakdown in front of my colleagues. I cried a lot at home on Tuesday, but I think it was cathartic. Now I''m trying to focus on getting through several projects at work and just not look out my window. (I received a promotion at work last year before my friend died, which came with a new office with a view of the bay and bridge. I loved the office and view initially, but it happens to be the bridge where my friend died, so now I can''t stand to look at it.)

 

[Phoenix]

Kay (and Pandora too), I don''t have anyone close who actually took their life this way but my mom passed away suddenly recently. It''s very painful and at times, I just break down sobbing, sometimes in public and sometimes for hours (just last night I did this). My ex-FI threatened to take his life when I left him but didn''t. I was very scared and would have been sooooo shocked and probably would have been out of my mind had he actually done it. I am not going to pretend I know what you''ve been/ are going through. All I can say is that pls allow yourself to grieve. It takes as long as it takes, there is no limit you can put on how long one should grieve for, I don''t think. Perhaps counselling is something to look into. I find praying helps. Just know that I am thinking of you.