Dealing With A Suicide Loss...

[Verdy]

I've just been informed that a classmate of ours has passed away. He committed suicide. It's very hard to assimilate for all of us - We've known this guy since we were in 6th grade, and he will not be walking with us at graduation this year. He was a really funny guy, always put a smile on your face even on a rainy day. We don't understand what caused him to make that decision, and it's left us very confused and deeply upset by his loss. Have any of you had this happen? If so what did you do cope and to spread awareness about suicide?

 

[VRBeauty]

Verdy:

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like you are fairly young - high school or college age, perhaps? Hopefully your school will provide opportunities for the students to discuss what happened, either in group or individual settings. You won't necessarily find answers about what why your friend did what he did, but it may help you have a chance to discuss this with others who knew your friend.

The only thing I can offer is the knowledge that sometimes we get into a place where it seems like there is no way out or no possible good outcome, or like we have nothing positive to offer those around us. Those feelings usually pass when we get into a better frame of mind, or if we get help seeing things in a different way, but you don't necessarily know that at the time. When we're young we probably tend to "run with" those moods or emotions more that we do when we're older, and we've accumulated more experience or perspectives, or more ways to deal with those feelings.

Huggs to you and your classmates. The next few weeks will be rough, but you will make it through this experience.

 

[mary poppins]

So sorry to hear about your friend's suicide, Verdy. Sending hugs your way.

 

[PositivelyPeanut]

I've just been informed that a classmate of ours has passed away. He committed suicide. It's very hard to assimilate for all of us - We've known this guy since we were in 6th grade, and he will not be walking with us at graduation this year. He was a really funny guy, always put a smile on your face even on a rainy day. We don't understand what caused him to make that decision, and it's left us very confused and deeply upset by his loss. Have any of you had this happen? If so what did you do cope and to spread awareness about suicide?

Sorry for the loss. A friend of mine committed suicide in high school. He had gone to his dad's house which was in another city to spend part of the summer (normally lived with his mom) and wasn't taking his medication for a chemical imbalance. He shot himself with his dad's rifle. I still think of him often. He was a wonderful guy. His funeral was huge and, strange as it may sound, I think his death (or more, his life) touching so many people did more to spread awareness than anything we could've done.

I can understand the shock you must be feeling right now. Again, so sorry for your loss.

 

[Verdy]

Thank you so much for your condolences everyone, they are VERY much appreciated.

VRBeauty - I'm a senior in high school right now, our graduation is in June. It's just very hard to deal with the fact that tomorrow we're all going to step through those doors and things will be, for the most part, different. We won't see him ever again, he won't make us laugh, he's just gone. I remember that I hugged him goodbye on Friday afternoon as the buses left, we were supposed to have breakfast at Chick-Fil-A a week from tomorrow after our PEER time (we go to elementary and middle schools to help kids with homework, just to talk, etc.). If I had known that was going to be the last time I'd hug him, I would have made it better. You never really think about what goes on behind closed doors until something like this happens. He was just a really upbeat type of guy, never let on much if anything at all that he might be having those types of issues.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

{{{hugs}}} Verdy, I am so sorry.

 

[Echidna]

I'm so sorry, Verdy I don't have any wisdom but I'd like to give you some ((((hugs))))

 

[Verdy]

Diamondseeker and Echidna - Thank you so much, you have no idea how much it helps.

 

[VRBeauty]

You never really think about what goes on behind closed doors until something like this happens. He was just a really upbeat type of guy, never let on much if anything at all that he might be having those types of issues.

It's heartbreaking to think of anyone carrying the kind of pain that would drive them to suicide, especially someone as young as you and your friend. Huggs...

 

[ame]

It makes me so sad that the pressures of life can get to people that badly that they cannot find any other way but out. I think remembering him as you knew him is the best way to remember and keep awareness.

 

[Kaleigh]

I've just been informed that a classmate of ours has passed away. He committed suicide. It's very hard to assimilate for all of us - We've known this guy since we were in 6th grade, and he will not be walking with us at graduation this year. He was a really funny guy, always put a smile on your face even on a rainy day. We don't understand what caused him to make that decision, and it's left us very confused and deeply upset by his loss. Have any of you had this happen? If so what did you do cope and to spread awareness about suicide?

I am so very sorry for your loss Verdy. When I was in college one of my best friends comitted suicide. He was a shining light, always had a smile on his face. I did know he was having trouble with his classes. We told him to see a tutor.. He dated my roomate, wo was my best friend. He took us out golfing on the day....I remember him swinging me on the dance floor to Tainted love... Then said love ya..

He was the most popular guy on campus. I remember being woken up by security and couselors... They wanted me to be with my roomate and go to the hospital.. We got to the hospital And were greated and taken to a private conference room...

I was like I get it, can I just see him and tell him I love him.. They said no, he wasn't recognizable.. I said I don't care, can I just close my eyes, but tell him good bye??

I remember this like yesterday. I say give into how you feel. Talk to your friends, and see a couselor... We coped by being with friends. He was loved by everyone, and I was blessed to have many friends to wrap their arms around me while I was grieving. After that there was a huge awareness on campus about suicide,

I said to all if you know someone is having a problem talk to them... I did that with Tim, and knew he wasn't happy. I don't think I could have done anything to save him. He thought his academics would have embarassed his family, his dad was a huge judge.. I was like there is always help, tutors etc... But he was deep in dispair , and jumped off the building and didn't die till two days later.

Big hugs, and am very sorry.

 

[Verdy]

Ame - Thank you, and I do agree, it's very hard to understand what drives someone to take such a serious decision, to decide something so gruesome. I just wonder what was behind him all that time that we never knew about. What he hid behind the twinkle in his eye and his smiling face, behind the jokes that he cracked every five minutes.

Kaleigh - Thank you for your kind words, I can definitely relate your story to what James was like. He was our goof ball, the class clown that made everyone laugh, he was there for you at midnight if you needed him, but he was troubled by his studies. He was suspended a few times, and I recently learned form a friend that his father passed away a few years ago. It's very sad to see someone so bright leave so soon. Both James and Tim were there when someone needed them, but what happened when THEY were the ones that needed someone?

 

[tuffyluvr]

Wow, that terrible. So sorry for your loss. A friend of mine committed suicide junior year. It was so sad and seemed like such a rash decision. She had a fight with her parents about them not approving of her boyfriend. She and her bf snuck out together and jumped off a cliff. Very sad situation. the school brought in greif counselors and let us take a half day for the funeral. I still think of her.

My boyfriend's father and brother both committed suicide. His father over financial problems and his brother had struggled with addiction, depression and problems with his gf. My bf has been to years of counseling and he and his sisters joined a suicide survivors support group. Such a sad situation. He is obviously deeply affected by it, but I am so impressed by his incredible strength and his ability to try to find the positive in an atrocious situation and remember them with love rather than being angry.

The only advice I can offer is to memorialize the best parts of your friend. Suicide is so awful and unsettling. It's really difficult not to be angry and say "WHY?!?!", but when someone committs suicide they are such tremendous pain, I think it clouds the big picture.

 

[marcy]

Verdy, I am so sorry to hear someone so young committed suicide. How awful for you, your classmates and his family. It is so hard for those of us left behind to know how to cope with such a tragic loss and there is nothing any of us can say or do that makes that pain go away. All of you are in my thoughts. Hugs to you.

 

[Skippy123]

Oh Verdy, I am sooooo very sorry. My heart goes out to you. It is super hard to deal with; I had a relative do the same about a year ago. I remember like it was yesterday holding him in my arms, seeing his beautiful smile when he was a baby. He had so much going for him when he went to college; he was brilliant and loved by everyone! I never saw a church so packed as at his funeral. I kept asking myself why; the kids who knew him too asked the same question. I think like VRBeauty said, they find themselves in such a dark place that they can't pull out of, not sure why but it happens. I know for this relative they were loved and the family offered all they could but somehow that wasn't enough in the end. I cried often thinking how young and how much he had going for him, but I do think one should be allowed to give themselves time to grieve as it is very difficult to understand and we may never understand why. Again I am so very sorry; I found it comforting to retell stories with close family about our beloved relative. sending you much love and prayers during this time Verdy.

 

[JewelFreak]

Tough one, Verdy. Especially right at a time of beginnings for you all.

Usually for people who commit suicide, the pain is so overwhelming, the hopelessness so infinite, there seems no other way to make it stop. They don't see death as an end, but as a new start without the anguish. I also think people your age often don't conceive how terribly final dying is.

Wherever your friend is, it's a place without the pain. Maybe that's some consolation for you. We feel somehow guilty to grieve, that it is wrong to feel bad for ourselves in having lost someone. I don't buy it. Go ahead. What better memorial can we give than to mourn the absence of a vibrant friend?

We change the people we spend time with, and they change us. Use what his living and his dying taught you, let it brighten & soften your life -- then he's never gone, because you will pass on to others the lessons you learned knowing him, and they in turn will also pass them on, never realizing where they came from. I wouldn't be surprised if he's around you; talk to him, I think he'll hear, strange as that may sound.

You're a good friend. Pass that on too!

--- Laurie

 

[Echidna]

Tough one, Verdy. Especially right at a time of beginnings for you all.

Usually for people who commit suicide, the pain is so overwhelming, the hopelessness so infinite, there seems no other way to make it stop. They don't see death as an end, but as a new start without the anguish. I also think people your age often don't conceive how terribly final dying is.

Wherever your friend is, it's a place without the pain. Maybe that's some consolation for you. We feel somehow guilty to grieve, that it is wrong to feel bad for ourselves in having lost someone. I don't buy it. Go ahead. What better memorial can we give than to mourn the absence of a vibrant friend?

We change the people we spend time with, and they change us. Use what his living and his dying taught you, let it brighten & soften your life -- then he's never gone, because you will pass on to others the lessons you learned knowing him, and they in turn will also pass them on, never realizing where they came from. I wouldn't be surprised if he's around you; talk to him, I think he'll hear, strange as that may sound.

You're a good friend. Pass that on too!

--- Laurie

Beautiful words, JewelFreak. Beautiful.

More hugs for you, Verdy (((((hugs)))))

 

[Amys Bling]

Two of my friends have had to deal with loss due to suicide... My best friend broke up with her boyf because it was an unhealthy relationship- he threatened suicide like so many times before to get her to change her mind. She insisted they break up- and she then called his parents to tell them as she was concerned. They brushed it odd and the next morning they found him holding her picture.

She held onto the guilt for a long time- and through therapy and medication and time- he waked and is now happily married. He still thins about it- but she understands it wasnt her fault.

Another friend lost her Cousin about a year ago in a suicide thT became national news. She is now speaking at schools and heled to pass recent legislation.


Both cases, you need to remember the good- not take blame- and move forward whether ny education and awareness or by healing yourself.

 

[Pandora II]

I'm so sorry.

In 1997, my ex-boyfriend who I had lived with for 7 years hanged himself a few months after I left him - and the day after he called me to ask me to come back and I told him that he'd burnt all his bridges a long time ago and I had moved on. He was 27 and I was 25. He was one of the rash of copycat suicides in the week after Michael Hutchens of INXS died (a very common occurence).

It took me about 3 years to deal with the emotional mess, and it was only when I met my now husband in 2004 that the nightmares and the trust issues that I had really went.

He was also the life and soul of the party, the class clown, the happy-go-lucky guy with loads of friends and a bright future. He was a talented photographer and in the middle of his Masters degree. Everyone was shocked when he did it - except me... he'd threatened to many times before, he had issues that were not immediately apparent and managed a big act for everyone.

Even his brothers didn't really know him - what I hadn't realised was that they and his really close friends didn't know the darker side and when I had tried to warn them when we split up they hadn't actually understood and thought I was being a melodramatic.

I will say that my ex was not depressed at all when he died - not all suicides are - but he was in a place where he saw big problems in his future (all self-caused) and didn't see the way past them.

Be prepared for people to show a wide range of reactions and don't blame them for them. I know that my over-riding emotion for several years was extreme anger and guilt, not sadness. I don't think I ever felt sorry for him - not after I had seen the state of his mother.

The one good thing I have seen come out of young suicides is that is opens other peoples eyes to the reality of suicide and the horrific effect that it has on those left behind. It also makes clear the utter finality of death.

I found it odd when I became older than him and when he had been dead longer than I'd known him. It was also odd to think that he never saw the advent of digital photography or saw the 21st Century.

I am so sorry for what you and your friends are going through. Please don't feel that you are to blame or that 'if only you had x,y,z' because the chances are that it wouldn't have made a difference or stopped it.

The other thing I would urge is to keep a close eye on anyone in your wider group of friends who might be at risk. I don't know about the USA, but here in the UK details of suicides are very rarely reported and when they are things like the method are not mentioned because of the big and very real danger of copycat deaths.

 

[swimmer]

Thank you so much for your condolences everyone, they are VERY much appreciated.

VRBeauty - I'm a senior in high school right now, our graduation is in June. It's just very hard to deal with the fact that tomorrow we're all going to step through those doors and things will be, for the most part, different. We won't see him ever again, he won't make us laugh, he's just gone. I remember that I hugged him goodbye on Friday afternoon as the buses left, we were supposed to have breakfast at Chick-Fil-A a week from tomorrow after our PEER time (we go to elementary and middle schools to help kids with homework, just to talk, etc.). If I had known that was going to be the last time I'd hug him, I would have made it better. You never really think about what goes on behind closed doors until something like this happens. He was just a really upbeat type of guy, never let on much if anything at all that he might be having those types of issues.

Oh Honey, I know that this week is going to be terribly hard, but the pain will lessen with time. I hope I am misreading your comment, but please know that you could not have made it all better with your hug. You are a powerful person filled with love, but that is not strength that can be received so easily. Please speak to someone professional about your feelings. My hugs and strength go out to you and your classmates.

 

[Verdy]

So today was possibly one of, if not THE worst day of my life so far. Everything at school was so dim and sluggish. There was yellow everywhere in honor of James' death and in support of suicide prevention. His best friend wouldn't stop crying all day, he just sat by his locker and bawled his eyes out like there was no tomorrow. Teachers, counselors, friends, everyone tried to provide some comfort for him but it was to no avail. I was shocked to see him like that, someone who has NEVER demonstrated an ounce of emotion or feeling in front of anyone was suddenly brought to their knees. I'm actually quite concerned about him as well, I know for a fact he has family issues and now with James having passed away just seems like a recipe for disaster. A few friends and myself made a poster early in the morning and placed it on a table in the cafeteria for people to sign expressing memories and condolences for his mother. We found out that his stepfather was abusive towards him, and that he overdosed on medication. None of us knew about this, he left a note to his mother and the aforementioned best friend explained to us today what he had said in the note. He expressed to his mother that he was sorry for any pain he might have caused her before this, and after this, that he loved her and that she was the best mother anyone could have, that he wasn't doing this because he was selfish, rather because he was at the end of his rope and he just wanted to be with his father again (his father passed away several years ago). James also stuttered, and he was made fun of constantly because of this. In retrospect, he had told us about it, we had witnessed it and even defended him against those who bullied him because of his speech impediment, but we never imagined the type of life he had at home. It's just hard to believe someone so happy, so bright, and so willing to put himself on the line for others lived through such a hellish nightmare. In a way I can see why he did it now. What caused him so much pain that he felt that was the only way out.

JewelFreak - Thank you for your kind words, they are truly inspirational and we will be using them on a slideshow for him at the end of this week with your permission.

Swimmer - I meant that if I had known that would have been the last time I was going to hug him, I would have made it better in a way where I would have conveyed just how much I loved him, how much he was appreciated despite what others may have thought of him. Just let him know that he was special, and that he was someone worth knowing.

To everyone else: Thank you for your overwhelming support, for your condolences and hugs, I can not express to you in words how much this means to myself and to so many others that are grieving for his loss. We are young and this is not something that we ever imagined happening to us, to a person that we knew and grew to love and cherish. It's not easy walking through the halls and not hearing his laugh, I can definitely say that this has been a lifelong lesson for all of us. Until it happens to you, you just don't know how much it impacts those around the victim. How much hurt and sadness is left behind.

 

[dragonfly411]

Verdy - I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I just wanted to offer more support.

 

[Verdy]

Dragonfly - Thanks so much for your condolences, they mean so much.

Surprisingly after school today there was a double rainbow over our school...I can only imagine it was him smiling down on us, telling us he's in a much better place.

 

[JewelFreak]

Verdy, you're welcome to use whatever you like of what I wrote. I hope it helps.

You & your classmates are doing positive things to help process this. Hard as it is, I think you'll be better people for it, and in a reverse way, James has provided bigger hearts for you. The shock will fade in time. The sadness never. Keep it with you & let it make you grow.

One other suggestion: visit his mother, give his friend your friendship -- let them talk about him & do the same yourself. Especially after the storm has passed -- grieved family & friends rise to the occasion, then when the initial fuss is over, fall into a black hole. People go on with their lives, stop coming over, and it's a deeply lonely time. If you and any of his buddies stop by or call his mom once in a while, particularly on holidays or his birthday, just to say you're thinking of him and her, I can't express the comfort you'd provide. Be normal, make jokes, don't speak of him in whispers. He wants you to keep the good old James alive.

Best of the best, honey.

--- Laurie

 

[Kaleigh]

Again, I am so sorry Verdy. This is a huge loss, so painful. I am glad you have friends to support you through this. And you have us to support you from afar. I second getting in touch with his Mom if you feel comfortable in doing so as a group. Just visiting her, giving her your support.

I'd keep a very close eye on his best friend, sounds like he really is hurting.

Have they offered you all counseling?? I hope they did, and if they did , please do it..

Please keep us posted. I know how young you all are, and this is really hard. It's very tough emotionally.

It's people like YOU that make a difference....

Hugs.. We are always here if you need us.

 

[Skippy123]

Surprisingly after school today there was a double rainbow over our school...I can only imagine it was him smiling down on us, telling us he's in a much better place.

I bet you are RIGHT!!! that is a beautiful way to look at it that he is placing the rainbow for all of you to know he is thinking of you. huge hugs Verdy.

 

[KaeKae]

Verdy, I am so so sorry.

 

[Arkteia]

I am very, very sorry. I am much older than you are, and have seen and heard of many such situations. There are probably people for whom it is easier to step over this threshold, regardless of their situation... But I feel that childhood abuse plays a very big role.

One of my classmates was extremely popular. He was not too tall, but strong, muscular, with great sense of humor. He was always acidic to me, although I had a tiny crush on him (or perhaps I teased him because of my crush). Once he said that he hated adults because they messed up his life. All I know is that his father drank and that his mom divorced the father. I do not think that any of my classmates knew more, because we were a gossipy bunch, and whatever one knew, the whole class knew.

We remained close enough when we grew up, or at least he had contacts with some people who would have helped. But all of a sudden he severed all relationships, divorced, or his wife left him, and started drinking. Many people are depressed, but what pushed him to get into a suburban train on New Years eve, get far away from the city, walk deep into the wood and hang himself on a tree? He did not want people to find him for a long time... I feel so bad for him, it was such a terrible loss, and he was a nice, nice kid. I am trying to remember his face and ask myself if he was marked, and my answer would be, no.

I feel for you and your pain. And this kid's poor mother. I do not think that anything could be done to prevent it, we can not foresee who and when is going to do it. Worst of all, people who are truly determined never ask for help.

 

[Verdy]

So yesterday I had a job orientation with a friend near the church where James' viewing was held. As we were walking back home we stopped at the corner of the street opposite to the church, and stared. People came in and out, cars too. I wanted to go in, but my feet wouldn't budge. So we kept moving towards home. After I got home I heard from his ex girlfriend, who is also taking his loss very hard, and she said his one of his best friends walked up to his coffin and just started shouting, "OMG **** JAMES WAKE UP!! WAKE UP JAMES! WAKE UP NOW!! WHAT THE ****..." She said it was very painful and emotional to watch, and somehow I'm glad I didn't go in after all.

His funeral was today at 1 pm, I was DETERMINED to go, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. I got dressed, I walked out the door, got in my car, and just sat there. I cried and came back into the house. I just can't face the reality that he's gone. Seeing that coffin and knowing that he's in there would make this too real..much more real than I would like it to be. I'm not sure when I'm going to say good-bye to him, perhaps not anytime soon. I don't think I'll be okay for a while, and I'm probably speaking for the larger part of our group of friends, knowing that he's gone isn't easy, and facing that reality is even worse. We all miss him terribly, our school just isn't the same anymore. And unbelievably there are still people who don't get it. Who just don't understand what he meant to so many people. I had AP Biology the other day, and a classmate who is renowned for being somewhat rude, just blurted out, "I don't get why everyone' s sooooo upset about it. They're all saying what a 'great' guy he was, when in reality we ALL know he was just another ***hole." I bit my tongue because I know better, but I WISHED for one single second that I could leave her a little black and blue.

All in all, life will eventually go on without James, whether we like it or not. And I'd like to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart, however small and adolescent it may be, for all of your kind words, your condolences, and simply the support that I have received since posting this thread. I cannot express to you all in words how much it means to have someone, if anyone there to help you get past such an overwhelming event. You all are such wonderful people with big hearts, and I hope God blesses all of you with many blessings in your lives, you truly are a one of a kind forum family.

 

[junebug17]

Verdy, I haven't commented yet in this thread but I just wanted to let you know that I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your friend - teen-age suicide is such a tremendous tragedy - it breaks my heart to think of someone so young, with so many years ahead of him and just starting out in life, to be so filled with pain that he doesn't want to live anymore. All death is terrible and sad of course, but teen-age suicide just devastates me. I guess I am particularly sensitive since my kids are just coming out of their teen years - several students committed suicide during their high school years, and it just saddens me to the core to think of the lives that will never be, and the pain their parents will have to endure for the rest of their lives.

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you, I don't have any great words of wisdom to help you get through this, but please keep talking to family and friends, I'm sure that will bring you a little comfort at least. And as for that person in class - try not to dwell on it, it was very insensitve and cruel but people say stupid things sometimes. Big (((hugs))) to you, I am just so sorry.