Dealing with a senstivite subject - co-worker dying to get married

[EricaR]

I seem to have some of the strangest co-workers. One of them, lets call her P, really wants to get married. Let me give you a bit of a timeline:

May 2007: P met her now ex, F.
October 2007: P and F move in together.
December 2007: P and F get engaged.
May 2008: P finds out that F has been using MySpace to meet other women and go out on dates with them. He claims he never slept with any of them. They start going to counceling.
July 2008: P finds ANOTHER MySpace account that F is using. She kicks him out, but her therapist encourages her to keep seeing him. Why? I don''t know.
August 2008: P and F go on vacation to Europe for four weeks. Why? Again, I don''t know.
September 2008: P finds a THIRD MySpace account. She breaks up with him. Again.
Mid-October 2008: P goes out on a date with someone other than F. We''ll call him R.

At this point I spent a ton of time talking with P. She still felt like F was the love of her life and her soul mate and that being apart would make him grow up a bit. Her plan was to give him about six months then get back together with him. R was just going to be for fun and a diversion.

Fast forward to the past two weeks. P has decided that she is completely over F and that R is the love of her life and her soul mate. No kidding. Less than six weeks later she claims to have turned off her feelings for F and turned them on for R. She is already sending R to me to find out about diamonds. They have decided to get engaged around Valentines Day and married before the end of 2009.

I''m trying not to be a party pooper but really? Come on! I''m having such a hard time being a supportive friend when I feel like P is just on a quest for a ring. She is so in love with the idea of being in love, with the idea of being married that she doesn''t leave time to actually fall in love with her partner. I''m not sure what the point of this post is, except to vent my frustration. I almost feel bad for R. I don''t think he realizes how much of a ride he''s being taken on... In the past hour I''ve received four Facebook messages from R, asking me things like "Do you think $3000 is enough to spend on her Christmas gift?" and "Can you help me find a princess diamond for her engagement ring, at least 2 carats."

 

[*Danielle*]

WOW. That is all that comes to mind.

Really, I hope she realizes what she is doing. Poor guy (R, not F obviously).

 

[PearlDahhhling]

That is definitely a tough situation to be in... I''ve seen things like this before, although not quite to this extent. I''m not sure if you''re asking for advice, but just to give you some anyway (

) if I were you, I would talk to P and let her know I was concerned about how fast things seemed to be going with R, especially so soon after F. I would also probably not help out with the questions about money and diamonds. I personally wouldn''t feel good about helping to nurture a relationship that I felt was built on shaky ground. I also wouldn''t want to see a pretty diamond go to waste once they get engaged and then break up over something silly and she moves on to the next guy...

But who knows. Maybe he really is the one and they will get married and it will work out! Crazier things have happened!

 

[LaraOnline]

Oh I dunno. Marriage is such a serious business. It''s also kind of personal. Who knows what''s really going on in her head? Probably not even her. Love is more hormones than clear thinking, after all. And lots of people really, really want to belong. It can be intensely uncertain and uncomfortable to be in relationship and yet have no solid future with a man.

It could go bad, it could go right. People deserve to have a chance at happiness.

Unless there is something wrong with the new guy, I would live and let live. From the way he''s acting, it seems he likes her quite a lot. Perhaps both their expectations are a bit out of whack, but who can really say?

Are you worried that she is pretending to be something she is not, because he looks like an ''easy target'' for marriage? Or perhaps that he is taking advantage of her?

Regarding her previous experience, it may not have much bearing on her current experience. She may well be just a fairly emotionally-wired person, who wants to experience ''deep'' intimacy. She could just be a gushy person!

Lots of time, love looks naive, and even pretty lame, in retrospect. The ''love of my life'' in my early 20s was pretty much a loafing bum. Lots of girls - like me - also don''t want to admit that, in their heart of hearts, they know the guy''s not really compatible. You''re already in relationship with him, you''ve already put yourself out there and don''t really want to lose out by folding (until it''s absolutely dire, or your timeline eventually gives out) so instead you go on and on about how great the guy is, and kind of justify your relationship like that...
It''s easy to kid yourself that you lerve them, and they should marry you, and that''s why you are still with them (indeed, why you got involved with them in the first place)....

If they''re talking marriage, I guess it''s kind of time to sit on your cynicism. Bearing in mind this is an internet conversation and I have no real idea! A true friend is basically there to mop up the remains after love affairs, anyway. That''s how friends work.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

honestly, just be there to support her no matter what you feel. im not going to throw my story out there again lol but i wish my friends had done that with me and fi...

 

[girlie-girl]

I don''t feel it''s your place to judge how she feels about R. Some girls won''t let a bad relationship go until they''ve found a new one. Some of those same girls never even admit to their feelings changing toward said guy until the new guy comes along. She sounds like she may be in a bit of a rush, but then again maybe she really did find ''the one'' this time. It seems to me that she was more delusional about the relationship with F than R. If R treats her well, not cheating etc. like K, and she is happy with him, then who are you to question the validity of their feelings? The thing about love is there is no set time frame for it to happen, every couple is different. For example, there is a couple in my neighborhood who met, dated for two weeks, and got married amid all the naysayers saying it was too soon, how could they be in love already etc.. Well, they have four grown children and have been married for forty years.... it just goes to show you how different everyone is.

I wish her well and hope everything turns out for the best, but just try to be a good friend and comfort her should the need arise. Until that time, be happy and supportive.

 

[EricaR]

I''m trying extremely hard not to judge her or their relationship, but I''ll be honest that it''s hard to be supportive when I feel like she''s almost taking advantage of R. And it doesn''t so much have to do with how quickly they fell in love but with how quickly she switched her feelings from one man to the other.

Lara made a comment: "Are you worried that she is pretending to be something she is not, because he looks like an ''easy target'' for marriage?"

This is exactly what I''m worried about. I KNOW she''s pretending to be something that she''s not and I know she''s hiding lots of things from him. He doesn''t know that she and F were living together as recently as 4 months ago and that they went on vacation together 2 months ago. She''s made it sound like it has been over for a lot longer. And I know this sounds silly, but she''s pretty much lying about how much money she makes. She makes a very very good living for herself (she''s at the director level in my company and probably brings home $150k/year) but she wants to be taken care of and has told R that she has no money for holiday gifts... She has the money, she just likes the idea that he has more.

I don''t even know what to say anymore. P is a person who is so strong, driven and focused at work but this whole thing is making me look at her in a different way. I now realize that personally she''s clingy and needy and who will never be satisfied with who she is as an individual. She''s still finding TONS of F''s stuff around the house as she''s getting ready to move R in...

 

[neatfreak]

Honestly, you labelled her as a "co-worker" not a friend, which says something to me. It''s not your place to say anything. Just be there to catch her when she falls, and hope she doesn''t.

 

[Rhea]

Ditto Lara. Just go with it and be there if it doesn''t work.

 

[Haven]

Ditto Neatfreak.

You know a lot about this coworker''s personal life, so perhaps you two are friends, in which case I''d say you should be supportive, as Smurfy suggested. Unless you have real reason for concern (e.g. he''s abusive) then I don''t think it''s your place to judge. Some people fall in love quickly, some people don''t. Some people move fast, others don''t. It doesn''t make either right or wrong.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Ditto to the others.

I don''t think talking with her would help, unfortunately. She is clearly a very needy/clingy/codependent person (as you pointed out) and if she is ever going to become healthier, she''ll have to do it on her own. In some ways I do feel bad for the guy, but I think you''d have to be completely blind to overlook her clingy tendencies, so maybe he actually likes the idea of marrying a woman who needs to be "taken care of"...indicating his own co-dependent issues. It''s for them to work out.

But if I were you, I think I''d start distancing myself from her. Unless you are really getting something out of the friendship, it just sounds like this might suck up a lot of your energy. She''s going to come to you with all of her little issues and I''m not so sure that sounds like much fun.

 

[kellybelly]

ditto to whoever said "don''t help R with decisions about diamonds and such". if you want to exercise your right to disagree with the situation, just don''t do anything to help it along.

i''m sure P knows how fast things are going but if this is what she wants, she''s an adult and make her own decisions. i feel for you though-- much as we don''t want to judge others, we sometimes want to reach in and help them with our own experiences, things we''ve learned in life and relationships. the tricky part is when to speak up and when to zip the lip. not everyone will see your attempt to help as such, and it could drive a wedge between you and P. i would really only intercede if this was a close friend or if there was a truly dire situation (abuse, theft, etc), neither of which seems to be the case.

frustrating as it might be, i think saying nothing at all to anyone is your best option here.

i would also feel badly for the poor little diamond though.....he he he

 

[EricaR]

I guess I referred to her as a co-worker rather than as a friend without thinking about it! I think part of it is that I''m sooo frustrated with the whole thing. I feel like we are back in middle school. Yesterday I was trying to concentrate on something at work and I had to turn the ringer on my phone off because she was calling me every 20 minutes to ask silly questions like "Do you think I should wear my red shirt tonight?"

I think this whole post was more of a rant than anything else. I was never planning on saying anything to her, mostly because she does seem genuinely happy. Lets just hope that the happy lasts and that there won''t be a huge crash down when/if it is over.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 12/17/2008 1:31:24 PM
Author: EricaR
Lets just hope that the happy lasts and that there won''t be a huge crash down when/if it is over.

Fingers crossed for her!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Sure, it sounds quick...and sure, it probably feels strange to you because you may do things differently...but this isn''t your relationship, and their marriage, or engagement isn''t really something you have much say in.

Sometimes relationships are poison. P and F sounds like they were a horrible fit. And now that it''s over P probably feels liberated and refreshed, and excited about her future...it sounds like R makes P happy, and P sounds like she genuinely deserves that happiness. And, as her friend, you should be happy for her now...happy she is done with an abusive, corrupt and dysfunctional relationship.

Sometimes you just have to go along for the ride...so let go of whatever your preconcieved notions are about love and happiness and marriage...and just be a good friend who is supportive ...

 

[Circe]

I was three months out of a serious year and a half relationship when I got together with my then future husband: he was something like 3 weeks out of a serious relationship of much longer duration. We were engaged within 3 months.

Now, admittedly, we''d been best friends for 3 years before that, but we still got the occasional raised eyebrow and comment about coughmutterreboundmuttercough. And, two years later, it''s still going quite nicely.

Your friend/coworker shouldn''t be misleading her partner about her past relationships, but there''s a chance that she''s doing it because she''s ashamed, because the memories are bad, or for a plethora of other semi-valid reasons. No, I''m not saying dishonesty is ever a good plan ... but she might not be malicious in her intentions. If she''s calling you every 20 minutes like a giggling schoolgirl, she sounds genuinely giddy and happy to me, as does he! If you guys are ever having a honest heart-to-heart, maybe it would be appropriate to gently nudge her and ask if she''s not going too fast (again), but till then, I''d say not to cling too tightly to your reservations - it sounds like it might be real.

 

[EricaR]

So this story has become more and more bizarre so I figured I’d update it. There is trouble in paradise!!! P has gone from pretending to be what she isn’t to trying to mold him into this bizarre person that meets her definition of the perfect man.

First, the engagement ring talk quickly dried up around the end of December. P started seeing a new therapist and decided that she needed to project more “feminine energy” into the universe so that R would start taking on the role of a “real man.” O.k….. whatever! P went about this by playing little mind games with him.

For example, in her mind a “real man” plans all dates. He had taken to calling her in the afternoon and asking if she wanted to do something that night. P decided that she needed at least four days notice for any date. If he called on a Monday and asked if she wanted to do something Wednesday it wasn’t enough notice so she’d lie to him and say she had plans. The best was when she told him she was doing something with me. He sent me a message on Facebook asking if I had enjoyed the evening and I responded with a “huh??? I’ve been home alone all night!”

R has a job where he has to work every other weekend. This is barely acceptable to P. Last Friday he was supposed to work until 5pm, but at 4 he called and told her that something had come up and he had to stay until 9. She totally freaked out and showed up at my house sobbing. I didn’t even know how to respond. Its not like he wanted to work late, and its not like he was sneaking around – she called him at work every hour to make sure he was till there. She was so upset about the whole thing that for weekend after next, his next scheduled weekend off work, she wants him to LIE to his boss and tell him that they are going out of town so there is no way they will ask him to work. Ummm, he’s one of four people in his job and they all cover for each other. He refused to lie for her and once again she showed up at my doorstep, upset that he doesn’t love her enough to lie for her.

WTF? Really? Seriously? Are most people this twisted and crazy or does my work seem to just get all of them.

P still expects an engagement ring from R for Valentine’s Day. He sent me a message asking what to get her for V-day, admitting that he’s sure she’s expecting a ring but he claims to be “nowhere near ready.” I finally emailed both of them and told them that I’d not a middleman! They need to start talking to each other rather than going through me.

The whole thing is sooooo bizarre. It seems to be falling apart as fast as it started. Now, instead of bothering me 20 times a day with giddy phone calls I’m getting her showing up at my doorstep at all times of the day. I felt terrible, but the last time she did I just hid inside and didn’t answer the door! I asked her to call before coming over but she doesn’t feel the need.

I am surrounded by freaks I tell you, FREAKS!

 

[choro72]

These people are in Irvine!?

Must...Hide...You can come hide with us too

Good move EricaR, for that last email!

 

[Blair138]

Erica I think you did the right thing by emailing them and telling them that you are not the middle man! I would be very weirded out by this situation too. I say the best thing you can do is to support her, and maybe not talk to him about anything having to do with her. She does work with you so you can''t really cut her out completely, but try to do your best. I work with some weirdos too and I just smile and nod and then vent to a trusted friend whom I know won''t say anything.

 

[FrekeChild]

You need to move and not give this chick your address...

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 2/12/2009 9:27:27 PM
Author: FrekeChild
You need to move and not give this chick your address...

Ditto - I''d really work on distancing yourself, short of this. I see nothing wrong with pretending not to be home when someone randomly shows up at your door - that''s just not a cool thing to do, and this whole situation just sounds incredibly weird.