Home Cutting family members out of your life

[neatfreak]

Often I feel that people eliminate contact with family members/friends a little too easily and that it says something about the person who is cutting off contact. I think this is because I know too many people who seem to thrive on drama and "cut off contact" just to make their lives a bit more dramatic. (This obviously does not apply to people who cut truly toxic people out of their lives)

But NOT in this situation. You do not deserve to be treated this way. I think it's best to slowly reduce any contact at all until you aren't speaking to her. That way it isn't dramatic, you don't have to have a "falling out", you just slowly get out of touch. She sounds like she is really out of touch with reality and is a spiteful and angry person. You don't need that in your life.

I am so so sorry you are dealing with this Lucky. And let me reiterate-you will NOT become your mother. There is a difference between feeling relief for someone else (your stepfather) and the things your mother is doing and thinking. A BIG difference.

Hang in there Lucky!

 

[elrohwen]

I can''t say that I''ve really cut anyone out, but my mom has cut out her mother and two brothers because they''re pretty toxic (especially her mother). She didn''t talk to her for almost 15 years when I was growing up (grandma started it by cutting off communication because my mom wouldn''t stay in Chicago and "take care of her like daughters are supposed to"

), then tried to develop a relationship with her again. After a few years of that, she just got tired of dealing with the toxic-ness and cut her mom out again. They haven''t spoken in a few years. I''m not inviting them to my wedding either, because if they came they would just make my mom miserable with their ridiculousness. They''re really not horrible to me, but they''re pretty annoying and since I haven''t had a relationship with them almost my entire life, I don''t see a reason to start now. I often feel that they only care about me at all because I''m the only grandchild; if there was a male grandchild (especially from one of my uncles) my grandma wouldn''t care a bit about me and would be all over the boy. That''s pretty much how she treated my mom.

From my mom''s point of view, I don''t think she''s found it that hard to cut out my grandma. Her mom has been pretty crazy and toxic for my mom''s entire life, so it''s not like there were good memories to hold on to.

I''m sure this is really hard for you and I''m sorry you''re going through it. Sometimes these things are for the best though as people don''t really change (or rarely do).

 

[luckystar112]

Thing2: Thank you for the hugs!

Deco: You''re absolutely right. Can''t exactly get someone to change when they don''t think there is anything wrong with them.

Housecat: I read the article you recommended. I definitely see some a lot of those traits in my mother. Especially the parts about wording things in a way so that she can deny it later. She does it ALL the time and this last episode is a perfect example! It is obvious that when she said "Karma is a real b!tch" she was referring to the deaths of that woman''s children. But by not being specific she knows she can deny it later. She is now saying (to my cousin) that she was referring to the fact that my step-father''s house is probably going to into foreclosure now that she stopped paying her end of the bills. She claims that her comment was just "bad timing".

The average person would have no reason NOT to believe her. I guess she forgot her extremely sarcastic conversation with my cousin earlier in the day where she referred to karma when talking about the shooting.
That article also mentioned how a narcissistic mother will pretend to forget things, even if you describe it to her in vivid detail and it happened not that long ago. They call it "gaslighting". My mother absolutely fills that trait. She''ll flat out deny things that she''s said or add details that you know didn''t happen. She told everyone that I blew off her island wedding to go to Virginia with DH. That didn''t happen--she didn''t even invite me. She said no one was invited and that they were going to elope. So, I made plans to go with DH to Virginia. But since I knew my mom was going to have a "welcome home" party we split our trip in two so we could go to Maine as well. Well, wouldn''t you know my grandparents and my step-father''s daughters said they were going to the wedding. It was too late for me to go, I couldn''t afford it! She told everyone I "blew her off". Oh, and my aunt (who my mom hates) threw a beautiful party for her upon her return. My mother complains to this day that it is NOT what she would have wanted and that it felt "cheap".
Some of the things in the article didn''t describe my mother at all though--like not letting me wear make-up or constantly enforcing her authority. She wasn''t like that--she was a very (too?) laid back parent, and she was never around (and I didn''t want her around).
Boy does she have highs and lows. She''s never just normal. The article mentioned something about always having to be the center of attention. This is how she is at Christmas. BOY does her jealousy rage at Christmas--it''s always a spectacle. This year my aunt was given a picture of our great grandmother in a frame. Since my mother hasn''t been to that house for Christmas in close to 5 years, a picture wasn''t given to her. The hosts had no idea she was coming. She scoffed, got teary-eyed, expressed how hurt she was and left. In life in general she is just a very miserable person who loves to talk about everyone''s troubles and how they are ruining her life. But she also has what I call "highs". When she is in a good mood it''s never a "normal" good mood. It''s child-like. Her voice even gets higher (my friends can attest to this). The best way I can describe it is that she acts like a 7 year old who thinks it''s cute to test the limits of her parents. She''s happy--high as a kite! But she acts and speaks in ways that have people wondering what the hell is wrong with her. For example, last summer she met us in Virginia and we took a trip to Busch Gardens. It was an extremely hot day and we were standing in lots of lines. She was on one of her highs, talking about how excited she was to go on the ride we were waiting for. Everyone was looking at her. Her face was dripping with sweat and she wiped it all over my step-father''s shirt. It was gross...and she thought it was hilarious. That''s kind of what I mean--an 8 year old might that that is funny, but she''s a grown adult.

Kaleigh/Deco: Thank you! I do not want to end up like my mother. I guess you''re right--I know how she acts is wrong and she doesn''t.

Tgal, thank you. I must say I''ve read what you''ve said about your own mother (who sounds like a saint) and I''ve been envious!

HLMR and Zhuzhu: Thank you. It really means a lot!

VRBeauty: I never considered Al-Anon meetings. I will definitely look into it.

Italia: Again, thank you.

NYCbyGirl: What forced you to allow them back in your life? Did you feel guilty after you had the babies? Or did THEY make you feel guilty? Thank you for sharing your story.

Lyra: I''ve thought about blocking her number. I just can''t bring myself to do it yet! I''ve deleted her from my facebook account. I don''t plan on contacting her and if she calls me I doubt I''ll answer--but for some reason blocking her number seems so final. I wish I could take that step. I need to GET there.

NF: Thank you. I know I need to reduce contact. It''s crazy because I only talk to her once or twice a month as it is. But as someone said before, if I have to reduce it to one a year than so be it.

Thank you Elrohwen for sharing your story about your grandmother. Does you mom have any maternal figure? Perhaps you father''s mother? I''m just wondering if there is some void I''m going to have to fill somehow.


My mother has no friends. She has a million aquaintances and zero friends. Her best friend stopped talking to her several years ago (Bush was re-elected that year) after an argument. My mother only recently got back in touch with her by writing her a letter and apologizing. The friend seems very reluctant to allow my mother back in her life, and with good reason.
Another friend just flat out quit talking to her. Dropped off of the face of the earth. My mother claims to have no idea what happened and never bothered to figure out why. Other friends come and go but she isn''t close to anyone. She has pushed EVERYONE away. My cousin will humor her by allowing her to rant about all of us over the phone, but that''s about it. It''s so sad really, how one person can have no idea of how awful she is. Of couse all of this abandonment on reinforces her believe that WE''RE doing this to HER.

I mentioned in my first post that she was mad at me for something somewhat related. I had no idea she was mad at me. I had a very charming last phone conversation with her, everything seemed fine, then a few weeks later DH asked me how long it has been since I''ve talked to her. I realized then that she was obviously mad at me about something--and DH and I just kind of rolled our eyes. It was almost as if I looked down at my watch and then said "Oh, it''s my turn!". Because that''s how it is--she rotates who she''s hating that week and then creates a huge amount of drama around that person.
She was mad at me for not telling her that my stepfather bought a couple of girls a drink at a bar we were at one night when we were up there for Christmas. I didn''t tell her because it was meant to be a JOKE. The girls were obnoxiously dancing with eachother. He bought the drinks for them in FRONT of ME, DH, his brothers, their wives. It wasn''t like he was trying to pick them up. Somehow my mom found out about it and confronted me with it. I explained all of this to her, she realized it matched the story that he was giving her, and that was it. She wasn''t angry...she was actually on one of her "highs" before we got off the phone. Then somewhere along the line she decided there wasn''t enough drama in her life she so she was going to be mad at me. It''s literally as if she just decides it. And instead of calling me to talk about it, she doesn''t contact me for several weeks. A long-distance "silent treatment" if you will. Lol. She hopes that I will figure out that she''s mad at me on my own (and I do). She is so ridiculous!!! I''m actually laughing out loud right now because I realize how crazy it sounds. It really is like that though.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I''ve realized that through talking about it my guilt is really starting to dissipate.

 

[elrohwen]

LuckyStar, no, my mom doesn''t really have a maternal figure. My grandma on my dad''s side is a nice lady, but we rarely get to see her (she lives far away) and we don''t talk to her that often. My mom really doesn''t seem that upset by not having her around ... I''m sure there''s some level of guilt there because she has gone back to talking to my grandma (and even traveled halfway across the country to visit her in the hospital when she was sick), but I think she realized that my grandma hasn''t change and won''t even change, so it''s not worth it.

Do you think you would feel a maternal void? If she''s always treated you badly, you may have less of a void than you think. I would imagine that if there were numerous happy years before she went crazy, you may feel more of a desire to recreate that happiness with another mother figure.

ETA: Now that I think about it, my mom has been friends with a much older woman (I think she''s 70-75?? but she acts much younger, she doesn''t even want to retire, and my mom is 55) for many years now. This woman is a friend, but I''m sure she''s somewhat of a mother figure due to her age. So maybe there is some truth to needing to find another maternal figure in your life.

 

[packrat]

Talking about it will help a lot, I think! It''s good to get things out in the open and get feedback.

My MIL''s level of toxicity is not so great as other posters have mentioned in this thread. However, it''s bad enough to me that I have almost no contact w/her, and even JD has gotten to the point where he maintains bare minimal contact. It''s sad too, b/c I think she could''ve been a nice and fun person. She really had a lot going for her back in the day, but she developed issues along the way, and they''ve gotten steadily worse. Personally, I think she''s got some sort of early stage of dementia or something-she''s 70 or 71 I think.

Like the others said, you know how your mother is-you won''t be that way. You''ll do everything you can to *not* be that way, b/c you wouldn''t want to put anyone else thru the hurt you''ve experienced. JD learned how to be a wonderful husband and dad by remembering his childhood, and doing the exact opposite of what his own "father" did.

 

[megumic]

This is such a great thread - thanks for bringing it up Lucky, but I am sorry for the circumstances.

I think more people face this choice than I realized. I too am facing a very similar situation as you, Lucky. For me, the hardest step was realizing that I HAVE A CHOICE to keep my father in my life or not. It''s shocking how hurtful parents can be. And the older I get, the more they disappoint me.

I think many posters make some really good points - we need to protect ourselves and our families from toxic people. Just because we love these harmful family members, doesn''t mean they are good for us or help us become better people. I hold everyone accountable for their own happiness, and I think part of that is controlling who is a part of your life. I should heed my own advice and make a decision about my father - I''m not quite sure what my hesitation is, especially since I''ve already decided that he no longer will be walking me down the aisle, which makes me incredibly sad that he''s put me in such a position.

It''s just so devastating when family members aren''t who we thought they were. I applaud those whom have made the very difficult decision to move on from family members who negatively impact your life.

Thanks for sharing everyone.

 

[nycbkgirl]

NYCbyGirl: What forced you to allow them back in your life? Did you feel guilty after you had the babies? Or did THEY make you feel guilty? Thank you for sharing your story.



u know i couldnt make that decision to cut them out on my kids behalf...i felt my kids needed to get that chance and make that decision on their own. they arent bad ppl in general (they just were toxic to me and my family bc i "took their son away") but i felt that they would be different with their own grandkids and i thought we can give it a chance. it wasnt easy for dh cutting them out ...he still loved them and wanted them to be different and wanted peace but he knew he had to do what was best for us and i couldnt deal with the stress.

as of now, i changed as well...i tell MIL exactly whats on my mind and she now is scared of me (lol)...she knows that dh is on my side no matter what and she knows she has to play to make me happy. i think it will work out bc i call her on her shit and dh always has my back and will tell her off when needed. i didnt really let them back in MY life...i let them be a part of my kids''....thats the way i look at it. their whole fam is disgusting imo and i personally want nothing to do with them ..but when it comes to dealing with my kids then i can manage having to put up with them for a bit. i want my kids to have the opportunity to know and have dh''s fam in their lives....if they play their cards right then it will all work out ..if not..then well we move our seperate ways once again. worth a try

 

[cnspotts]

I''m sorry you''re going through this kind of thing. Breaking contact is a very difficult choice to make, even if you know it''s the right thing to do for your own well being. If you have not already read this book then it''s worth the read. When you and your mother can''t be friends, by Victoria Secunda

My situation is not as extreme as yours but similar in many ways. Mom and I have had a very difficult relationship and there have been times that I could not have any contact with her at all. Fortunately we''ve spent most of my adult life in different countries or on opposite sides of the USA. She and her husband are about to move to Central America and I look forward to that. I''ve found what works best for us is email. It''s my choice to read them or not because she uses them to bitch about everyone and everything in her life. I generally cut our phone conversations short as soon as she begins her tirade about situations and people that are meaningless in my life.

It''s taken years to be able to have her limited presence in my life be okay and also at my choice. It''s also taken time to understand that she is unhealthy in many ways and does not bother to take care of herself. Only recently has she started seeing a regular Doctor, she''s never entertained the idea of counseling. In her opinion it''s everyone else''s problem NOT HERS. She honestly believes that she has done nothing wrong over the years and that she is a target from all others. Rarely do I make contact but I no longer ignore her completely. Honestly I am no longer affected by her, she has no input into my life. I don''t have any love for her nor do I have any other emotions toward her other than some impatiences when she launches into one of her "work stories" about those awful co-workers. She''s rather gleeful when someone dies, or is fired that she had problems with. She''s just not normal.

My youngest brother broke contact with her years ago and has NO contact at all, he and I remain close. The last he saw of her was at our other brother''s wedding who has an odd relationship with mom. It''s as if their attached at the hips. He''s so high strung like her, in fact he is like her in many ways and I don''t much care for him either.

On the opposite side of all this is the relationship is the one I have with my daughter....it''s wonderful. We''re so close and I am so happy about it. I spent all of my mothering making sure that I would not turn into my mother.

 

[House Cat]

Lucky,

I have cut my biological father out of my life. The decision to do so was easy because he was never really IN my life to begin with. He was constantly wrapped up in drugs and remained unhealthy. Another man raised me from the time I was three years old and continues to be in my life today.

There did come a time when my biological father got sober. He then tried to contact me and I wanted no part of it. In an underhanded fashion, my family staged a time and place for he and I to meet. I sat with him, was cordial, listened to what he had to say, said not a lot in return, and left. What do you say? I could see that he wasn''t prepared for the truth. He was hoping for a loving reuinion. I didn''t have that in me.


In regards to my mother...

We have had more than a stormy relationship. I have had periods of time where I have cut her out of my life. I told you that certain things sounded familiar. Your mom sounds quite a bit more extreme than mine. I hope that isn''t offensive. I''m in therapy and I have been told that my mother is narcissistic. The articled that I directed you to, not everything fits my mom either, but enough fits. I''ve done a lot of reading on the personality disorder to find answers, to find ways to deal with her, most of the advice is NO CONTACT because they won''t change.

I took that advice a while back. I didn''t talk to my mom for a year. I thought I was done for good. At the time, it seemed to me that the only way I could enforce boundaries with my mom was to have no contact with her at all. To her, boundaries can be offensive sometimes. During that year, a lot of growth occured. I think that as a child of a parent like this, we learn to live in their shadow and we either don''t grow at all, or growth occurs very slowly. Once we break free, we have sort of a growth spurt. (ok, I''m rambling.)

I did a lot of work in therapy during that year though. I got good and angry at her and the world. I think I spent a good part of that year just being this angry person. yuck, but it had to be done. Then one day, I was thinking about her, as I often did. You see, I missed her terribly. She was still my mother. I was mourning while angry. I was mourning the fact that I didn''t have this ideal mother, but I was also mourning MY mother. So, I was thinking about her, she''s had a really AWFUL childhood. I mean terrible. One of her traits is to project feelings. I figured out that she is just projecting pain, deep psychic pain, all over the place. It was then that I felt compassion for my mother. I realized that I can''t blame her for her childhood. I can''t blame her for her pain. She is who she is. I can only shield myself from it and accept her for who she is, if I want her in my life. It''s a learning process too. I''m learning to continue to grow, outside of her shadow now. It''s tough.

BUT, it took me a year, and it took therapy, and there are still times when she gets my goat!

Your mom isn''t going to change. So, if you''re hanging out, waiting for her reactions to events to change, they won''t...ever. And yes, I do believe she''s a miserable person who is carrying around a lot of pain, BUT her pain has caused YOU a lot of pain. It is your pain that you must deal with first. Don''t shove that aside because you feel bad for her. Then you aren''t meeting your needs.

You weren''t put on this planet to take care of your mother. You are to take care of yourself (and your children, if you have any.) If taking care of yourself means that you need to distance yourself from your toxic mother, then that is what you must do. You don''t have to make it a forever thing. You can say, "for now, I will do this," and take it day by day. Do whatever feels best for you.

I do urge you (again) to seek out a good therapist for this subject though. A therapist will give you more insight into your mother and into your dynamic with her. I know that I can only give you my story and that there is a huge possibility that your mom might have totally different issues than what I''ve pointed out. Either way, it would help you greatly to be guided through this process of healing.

 

[luckystar112]

elrohwen--thanks for sharing more about your mother''s situation. Maybe I wouldn''t have a maternal void, but I do think I''d be missing something. I love my family a lot, but with the exception of my cousin my mother is the only one that I really maintain a lot of contact with (though I have begun to have a lot more contact with my father as well). I think that I need to build up those other relationships in the course of reducing the one with my mother so that I don''t feel like I have no family to turn to, you know?

Packrat: Thank you! DH tells me that he can see some of my mother in me and it FLIPS me right out. I just cannot imagine being anything like her. I know that she has most likely influenced some layers of my personality (she did raise me after all) but I must say that I''m a little offended when DH says that. Like I''d ever cause a huge scene in public or scream at him. Pfft.

Megumic: That''s sad that you''re going through the same thing with your father. I think you (and I) will reach that decision soon enough. I don''t think it''s a snap decision--it starts with not wanting him to walk you down the aisle, then maybe you''ll start screening your calls more, then perhaps you''ll got weeks without talking and it''ll just go from there. I can definitely see that my defense mechanisms against my mother are adding up, which makes me wonder why I even bother. And of course, after this last episode I''m just so disgusted that the decision is getting even easier.

nycbkgirl: I understand completely. I bet my mom would be a great grandmother, but I think she''d be one at my expense. I don''t know how much of a role I''d want her to play in my future child''s life. But I could totally see myself caving once the time came---and I can totally see myself cutting off all contact when she acts like Beau''s mom.

cnspotts: Thank you for the book recommendation! I will definitely pick it up. DH and I have a vacation coming up so I''m definitely going to need reading material! I''ll just have to read it on the plane or in the comfort of our room since DH doesn''t want me to mention a thing about my mom to his parents. He''s so embarrassed...his family is the complete opposite of mine. Did you have to slowly make the switch to only email or did you do it abruptly?

Housecat: Not offensive at all....she''s definitely got a few screws loose! I try to pinpoint WHY a lot, but I don''t think I''ll ever figure it out. Everyone else in my family is normal. I can tell you that my mother lost a baby in the womb (before me) when she was 8 months along and that was very hard on her (she probably should have gone to counseling for that and she didn''t...she was just a teen when it happened). But I don''t know....she could have just always been like that.
You''re not rambling! What you''re saying is VERY interesting to me. I agree that growth comes slowly (it feels like that in my life). I want a growth spurt!

You''re absolutely right....I need to take this one day at a time. I just really don''t know if I can learn to live with her. Limiting contact may be best.

It''s kind of an odd situation now though, because like I said, she flipped out on me (for confronting her) and told my cousin to tell me she doesn''t want me in her life anymore. She even blocked me from her facebook (angst-ridden teenager''s reaction, much?). So I mean, I guess I don''t even really have to do anything at this point! haha. I don''t plan on contacting her. I stopped enabling her a couple of years ago---as soon as I finally realized that the POINT of her freakouts were for me to coddle her. So it appears the next thing to do is just work on myself and get on with my life. I''m positive she''ll try to get in touch with me eventually but I think this time I''ll be less available to her and her abuse.

 

[joelly]

I'm sorry to hear this luckystar.

 

[luckystar112]

Just figured I''d follow-up and let you all know that I still haven''t spoken to my mother. May 30th was our last conversation with the exception of the short exchange that took place after the "karma" incident (June 30).
My feelings about it are all jacked up, though. I wrote her a long (12 page, single-spaced) letter the other day where I basically let it all out and then I deleted it. I never considered sending it, but getting it all out helped reaffirm my position on our relationship. I know I''m better off, I wish I could just stop thinking about how better off I am...you know what I mean? I''m still angry. I want to get to the point where I''m indifferent but I guess that takes time (longer than usual in my case).
Perhaps I need closure? I think it''s bothering me that SHE made the decision to cut ties with ME. It''s like a "You can''t fire me! I quit!" situation. haha. Except I don''t get to tell her that because we aren''t talking.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 7/28/2009 12:29:33 AM
Author: luckystar112
Just figured I'd follow-up and let you all know that I still haven't spoken to my mother. May 30th was our last conversation with the exception of the short exchange that took place after the 'karma' incident (June 30).

My feelings about it are all jacked up, though. I wrote her a long (12 page, single-spaced) letter the other day where I basically let it all out and then I deleted it. I never considered sending it, but getting it all out helped reaffirm my position on our relationship. I know I'm better off, I wish I could just stop thinking about how better off I am...you know what I mean? I'm still angry. I want to get to the point where I'm indifferent but I guess that takes time (longer than usual in my case).

Perhaps I need closure? I think it's bothering me that SHE made the decision to cut ties with ME. It's like a 'You can't fire me! I quit!' situation. haha. Except I don't get to tell her that because we aren't talking.

Lucky: Congratulations on not caving in and calling your mother. However, please excuse me for a minute while I get on my soapbox.

I sounds like not speaking with your mother, or just "cutting her out of your life," isn't the solution you're looking for. You haven't had any contact with her for almost two months now, but she's still influencing how you feel...

I'm going to go back to my earlier suggestion because I think it could help. The reason I suggested a program like AlAnon or Adult Children of Alcoholics is that the focus is on dealing with what you can control (your reactions) and detaching from the craziness. Detaching, as in not letting it control your feelings. Seriously, it costs nothing to try, and it just might help.

Good luck!

 

[brightlight]

We''re in the process of doing this right now. It''s painful, but we know it''s for the best. The stress and negativity have just gotten to be too much. We need to do this in order to move forward with our (hubby''s and mine) family. We''ve given them numerous opportunities and years to better the situation. We''ve tried talking to them, and nothing has changed or improved. So, this is where we''re at.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 7/28/2009 12:29:33 AM
Author: luckystar112
Just figured I''d follow-up and let you all know that I still haven''t spoken to my mother. May 30th was our last conversation with the exception of the short exchange that took place after the ''karma'' incident (June 30).
My feelings about it are all jacked up, though. I wrote her a long (12 page, single-spaced) letter the other day where I basically let it all out and then I deleted it. I never considered sending it, but getting it all out helped reaffirm my position on our relationship. I know I''m better off, I wish I could just stop thinking about how better off I am...you know what I mean? I''m still angry. I want to get to the point where I''m indifferent but I guess that takes time (longer than usual in my case).
Perhaps I need closure? I think it''s bothering me that SHE made the decision to cut ties with ME. It''s like a ''You can''t fire me! I quit!'' situation. haha. Except I don''t get to tell her that because we aren''t talking.

I don''t know if you''ll ever get to the point that you''re indifferent. Even after everything that''s happened she''s still your mother, and I don''t know that the pain of not having your mother in your life ever goes away. I think you''ll get to the point where you''ve come to terms with the pain - that it''s ok to hurt. Even though your mother hasn''t passed, you''re still grieving the loss of your mother. It''s really hard to come to terms with the fact that your parent has disappointed you so deeply. I know from experience.

 

[I Love My Sailor]

LuckyStar, I am willing to share my story. Its about my father. I have discontinued communications with him. My father spent most of mine and his life in jail or he was too doped up to realize he had a daughter to think about. I know he loved me but the drugs controlled him. I understand why he was the way he was, I did make the decision to stop talking to him. I decided this many times throughout my childhood and now in my adult years. My father was in and out of my life. I was in foster care, and with other family members before I was taken in by my grandmother(dads mom) at the age of 6.

My father would be gone for 2 or 3 years then come and live with us to get back on his feet and he would stay up to a year and a half at a time but then he would leave again and say he had some job lined up and how it was a good opportunity for him. One time he disappeared without contact for 5 years. We didn''t even know if he was alive. It took a friend of his to contact us after he would find letters my father wrote to us but never sent. It was difficult and most of the years he was away I would speak to him every few months. I don''t talk to him because I have built up a wall so that it wouldn''t hurt so bad because when he was around he was a great father but towards the end when he would leave, he was back on drugs, steeling from me and my grandmother and causing a lot of drama in the family. I really think I am better without him. I will never ever deny him a father daughter relationship granted his life is in order but I have grown wise and as longs as he is fighting to make it on his own and to stay clean, I cant help him and he will only use and hurt me. I have tried. I got tired of him asking for money and calling when he was on the street with no money and needing a fix. I was tired of seeing my grandmother cry and having to post a reward for him when we couldn''t find him after posting his bail money. I don''t regret it because I am a very sensitive person and I think I needed to cut him to save my own self. He will always hold his father place but he can not fill it until he can take care of himself.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 7/28/2009 3:31:07 AM
Author: VRBeauty

I''m going to go back to my earlier suggestion because I think it could help. The reason I suggested a program like AlAnon or Adult Children of Alcoholics is that the focus is on dealing with what you can control (your reactions) and detaching from the craziness. Detaching, as in not letting it control your feelings. Seriously, it costs nothing to try, and it just might help.

Ah, thanks VRB. Adult Children of Alcoholics sounds like it could work, as long as they don''t ask me about my non-alcoholic mother! I guess I was confused when you first suggested it, because I attended an al-anon meeting with a friend once and it seemed to be clearly centered around addiction.

Brightlight: Do you have kids, or are you planning on having any? If so, will that affect your decision at all? I''m kind of at the point right now where I could totally imagine being nine months pregnant and my mother not having a clue. And oddly enough, it doesn''t bother me. You''re right that I probably won''t ever become totally indifferent...but I''d like to stop thinking about how terrible she is several times a day. I did this with an ex-boyfriend---had such negative feelings for him that I couldn''t stop thinking about it! It''s not anger, it''s almost like a disgust. But I guess it would be more weird if I had NO feelings about it.

LMS, thank you for sharing your story. Your father sounds a lot like mine, except alcohol was the major culprit. Luckily for me my father has straightened his life out and our relationship has improved greatly. I hope that soon your father will come to his senses as well!

 

[iheartscience]

Hey lucky, I hope things get better with your situation.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 7/28/2009 11:45:36 PM
Author: thing2of2
*cough* *cough*

sneeze .. fart

 

[iheartscience]

Ha...stop that, deco! Besides, a lady never farts.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 7/28/2009 11:53:43 PM
Author: thing2of2
Ha...stop that, deco! Besides, a lady never farts.

Maybe if I didn't toot I'd be in the cool kids club. ** sigh **

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 7/28/2009 11:55:37 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 7/28/2009 11:53:43 PM

Author: thing2of2

Ha...stop that, deco! You''re going to get me in trouble! Besides, a lady never farts.

Maybe if I didn''t toot I''d be in the cool kids club. ** sigh **

Hahaha no way-cool kids fart it up! I am both a president and a member of the cool kids club.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 7/28/2009 11:50:54 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 7/28/2009 11:45:36 PM
Author: thing2of2
*cough* *cough*

sneeze .. fart

I clearly missed something here. lol.

In any case, thanks thing! I talked about it with my grandmother for the first time today and that felt good, so hopefully things will get easier soon!