Crying friend... what to do

[soontowed]

Last week I told my friend that we are not allowing people to bring their kids to our wedding. Yesterday she called me in tears saying that her daughter (who is only 3) has been looking forward to it and talks about it all the time. I told her that's what we want and we are not making exceptions. All of a sudden she started crying and telling me how her daughter willbe devestated and she can't hurt her daughter that way. Then she started saying some pretty ridiculous things like her daughter has it written down in her calender and doesn't even care about Christmas, the wedding is all she talks about. I felt like she was trying to manipulate me into letting her daughter come.

And at the end she basically said she's not coming to the wedding if her daughter can't. She is supposed to be one of my best friends AND a briidesmaid. I think it's all pretty ridiculous. I will not budge on the kid thing because it is very important to me; I do not want screaming kids at my wedding. And actually, her kids are pretty poorly behaved. We are not letting anyone bring children, not even FH's sister.

What do I do now? Now I don't even know if I want her to be in the wedding. It will just be awkward because I'm not going to get past the way she talked to me.

 

[bubbly1126]

I would kindly tell her that no, you are not making any exceptions and if she were your friend then she would respect your wishes for your big day. Tell her that if she no longer wants to be in the wedding then that is her choice. After all, I would most definitely not want someone who is going to act like this be in my wedding. She sounds very immature.

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, that's pretty insane! No wonder her kids are so bad-she sounds like a child herself! I would probably just e-mail her and tell her that you're sorry she won't be able to be in your wedding anymore, but the kid thing is nonnegotiable. I'd also let her know that after the way she spoke to you, it's probably for the best.

It seems like a phone call would elicit more crazy behavior and tears, so I'd probably stick with e-mail.

 

[Haven]

That is very bizarre behavior for an adult! I think if the no-kid rule is a non-negotiable for you, then you did the right thing.

I will say that I think it''s an honest mistake for your friend to think that her children would be invited to your wedding if she is a member of the bridal party. I''ve never heard of anyone not inviting the children of members of the bridal party, so she may just have the same experience as me.

That being said, it is a ridiculous notion that her daughter has so much control over her that she cannot firmly tell her she will not be attending the wedding and be done with it. It does sound like she''s trying to manipulate you into letting her daughter come to the wedding, just as it sounds like your friend''s daughter manipulates your friend into doing things her way. Based on what you''ve shared, I bet your celebration will be much nicer without this particular child in attendance.

If your friend brings it up again I''d just stick to your guns. Good luck, this one sounds like it might get sticky!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

ahhaha. her three year old wants to come and was excited? what a lame excuse! the three year old doesn't even have the cognitive abilities at that age to look forward to a future event with such anticipation.... the little one probably thinks she is going to some birthday party with other little kids running around.... and only gets excited when her mother keeps brining the topic up!

anyway - your friend probably doesn't want to hire a babysitter. If she can't make it because of that - then it's her loss... People can't expect that their children will be invited to grown up parties like weddings all the time... Especially when some venues charge you 150$ pp and the child will not even eat/drink anything! She is being incredible immature - I would tell her just not to come to the wedding and find someone else you can actually rely on to be in the bridal party!

 

[KimberlyH]

What odd behavior from a grown woman. Nothing to do but decide how you want to proceed and then do so. If you don't want her in the wedding you can say "I see that not bringing your daughter is making you extremely uncomfortable, so perhaps it would be best for you not to be a bridesmaid."

No children means no children, no matter who they're related to and making exceptions will only cause more problems.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

What is it with people and their children??

This topic gets me so worked up sometimes, exactly how does she think she is going to fullfill her responsabilities as a bridesmaid if she is running around after a 3 year old?

Stick to your guns and don''t back down on this one, because if you let her come the next thing you know is that she will be demanding her daughter be a flowergirl!!

 

[ImpatientOne]

How incredibly RUDE of her!!! I, too, would tell her that there is no way you and your husband-to-be are changing your minds. Heck, at this point I don''t think I''d even want her to be in the wedding if she is that insensitive to your wishes. She really sounds like an immature, whiny, manipulative biotch!

 

[cara]

''She can''t hurt her daughter like that''

Sorry its a cruel, cruel world and its best her daughter learn while she''s young that she is not invited to all the parties, and crying woln''t help. Apparently her mother never learned that lesson.

I was quite sympathetic to the mother in the first bit of your story. How cute that her daughter was excited! How unfortunate that she assumed her daughter was invited or it wasn''t clear previously so her daughter had gotten all worked up! But when she asked for an exception and your final answer was no, then she should have taken her lumps and done her best to break it gently to her daughter. Its her job as a mom to teach her daughter that everything woln''t always go her way, and to be as kind and gentle about it but also demonstrate the right way to deal with disappointment.

What you do now is be an adult where your friend was not. If you have left things unclear, calmly call her up and ask her if she is attending. If she''s not, then you make arrangements. If she has had a change of heart, I''d do your best to move on and welcome her in the wedding, unless you feel she''d be really disruptive while there or continue the arguments in the meantime. Its not worth the mental energy if you think she will behave decently and wants to come.

 

[Anastasia]

Wow!

The only way a three year old child is all excited about your wedding is if her MOTHER is getting her all worked up about it.

It is your wedding, you determine the guest list. You can remind her that you are not even inviting your sil''s kids to the wedding. And guess what? If you wanted to invite your sil''s kids, you wouldn''t have to invite your friend''s kids, because it is your wedding.

Life isn''t fair and your friend needs to learn this right now.

I have a niece and a nephew getting married in the next year. My kids, (10,12 and 14) are invited to one of the weddings, but not the other. While I am a little disappointed for my kids that they won''t be attending the one wedding, I respect the bride and groom''s decision. I am pretty sure that it is budget related, but that is really none of my business. My kids know this, and they are fine with it.

I don''t really understand moms who want to bring very young kids to weddings. I have always loved getting to go out and be a grown up for a night.

I am sorry your friend is doing this to you. She needs to grow up.

 

[akmiss]

Date: 9/13/2009 9:03:08 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
ahhaha. her three year old wants to come and was excited? what a lame excuse! the three year old doesn''t even have the cognitive abilities at that age to look forward to a future event with such anticipation.... the little one probably thinks she is going to some birthday party with other little kids running around.... and only gets excited when her mother keeps brining the topic up!

anyway - your friend probably doesn''t want to hire a babysitter. If she can''t make it because of that - then it''s her loss... People can''t expect that their children will be invited to grown up parties like weddings all the time... Especially when some venues charge you 150$ pp and the child will not even eat/drink anything! She is being incredible immature - I would tell her just not to come to the wedding and find someone else you can actually rely on to be in the bridal party!

Well, I have a three year old who is capable of looking forward to future events and he does it often....
but, I have to agree with the other posters on everything else. Hopefully your friend will see things clearly tomorrow and agree to your terms. Good Luck

 

[LilyKat]

I am SPEECHLESS the bad manners and manipulation used by an ADULT.

It would be one thing to mention it once - "Oh, are you sure my daughter can''t come, she was really looking forward to it". But then to lay on the tears and the guilt and threaten to boycott the wedding of a friend because she can''t say no to a THREE-YEAR-OLD???

And you wonder why her kids are poorly behaved...

Some people need to realise they can''t always stamp their feet and get what they want. This applies to your friend and her daughter alike. Tell her calmly that you would love to see her (without kids) at your wedding, but if that''s not something she can do, she will be missed.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 9/13/2009 9:16:59 PM
Author: hawaiianorangetree
What is it with people and their children??

This topic gets me so worked up sometimes, exactly how does she think she is going to fullfill her responsabilities as a bridesmaid if she is running around after a 3 year old?

Stick to your guns and don''t back down on this one, because if you let her come the next thing you know is that she will be demanding her daughter be a flowergirl!!

Ditto!!!

It''s not an easy decsion to exclude children from a wedding but it''s a decision that I personally have NO problem with

 

[jstarfireb]

What an awful position she has put you in...choosing between your principles and your friendship. It''s immature, and clearly she is the one who is so excited about bringing her daughter to the wedding, not the child herself. I would stick to your guns, especially if her children are poorly behaved. I had an adults-only wedding as well. The only person I invited who happened to have a small child was one of my cousins, who I''m not close with. Interestingly enough, she was the only member of her immediate family who didn''t come. She had plenty of time to secure child care if she wanted to, but she RSVP''d in the negative...it''s not like she intended to come but something came up with her child. I honestly think she chose not to come out of spite because I didn''t invite her kid. It''s so unfortunate that some people thinks the world starts revolving around them when they become parents.

 

[Nov2109]

I agree-if you said no kids, then no kids!

We have children in our wedding party-my fiance has several nieces and a nephew. The older girls would be upset(devasted is a strong word for a child) if they were not at the ceremony becuase they do know what a wedding is- The three year old has no idea we are even getting married(unless we tell him, and he still has no idea what that means) as well as the 2 year old-they truely do not have the cognitive ability to understand and comprehend what a wedding even is or remember the date of a wedding. The 2 year old(our flower girl) thinks her job is to throw the flowers on the ground...however if we don''t talk to her about being a flower girl-she doesn''t bring it up...the older girls don''t even know there is a reception after the wedding. We did have to tell them however that they have to sit down with their grandparents(they thought they were going to stand up at the alter with us-my heart started to sink when the 9 year old said i cant wait to be on the alter with you and my uncle...i must have looked panicked and his sister stepped in lol!)

We however are not having children under 15 at our reception. It is not a suitable place for kids we have a four course sit down with an open bar(try to get a kid to eat four courses)-when we told his sisters and several friends with children they all said the same thing-why would I want them there anyway? I want to be able to have fun, we are all planning on getting sitters for the night(and these are immediate family members!)

If she really cared about YOU and YOUR day, she wouldnt be crying over something so insignificant as having her child(regardless of age) at a wedding...shes a bridesmaid, why would she want to have to worry about her daughter the whole time, she needs to be there for you.

 

[tessari]

Date: 9/13/2009 9:03:08 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
ahhaha. her three year old wants to come and was excited? what a lame excuse! the three year old doesn''t even have the cognitive abilities at that age to look forward to a future event with such anticipation.... the little one probably thinks she is going to some birthday party with other little kids running around.... and only gets excited when her mother keeps brining the topic up!


anyway - your friend probably doesn''t want to hire a babysitter. If she can''t make it because of that - then it''s her loss... People can''t expect that their children will be invited to grown up parties like weddings all the time... Especially when some venues charge you 150$ pp and the child will not even eat/drink anything! She is being incredible immature - I would tell her just not to come to the wedding and find someone else you can actually rely on to be in the bridal party!

I agree! My three yr old sister barely understands what a wedding is and she definitely does not have a calendar. Most 3 year olds can''t read or write!

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 9/13/2009 8:29:08 PM
Author:soontowed
I will not budge on the kid thing because it is very important to me; ... We are not letting anyone bring children, not even FH''s sister.
...
What do I do now? Now I don''t even know if I want her to be in the wedding. It will just be awkward because I''m not going to get past the way she talked to me.

That should be enough said!

 

[House Cat]

Date: 9/14/2009 12:08:40 AM
Author: akmiss

Date: 9/13/2009 9:03:08 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
ahhaha. her three year old wants to come and was excited? what a lame excuse! the three year old doesn't even have the cognitive abilities at that age to look forward to a future event with such anticipation.... the little one probably thinks she is going to some birthday party with other little kids running around.... and only gets excited when her mother keeps brining the topic up!

anyway - your friend probably doesn't want to hire a babysitter. If she can't make it because of that - then it's her loss... People can't expect that their children will be invited to grown up parties like weddings all the time... Especially when some venues charge you 150$ pp and the child will not even eat/drink anything! She is being incredible immature - I would tell her just not to come to the wedding and find someone else you can actually rely on to be in the bridal party!

Well, I have a three year old who is capable of looking forward to future events and he does it often....
but, I have to agree with the other posters on everything else. Hopefully your friend will see things clearly tomorrow and agree to your terms. Good Luck

When my son was three, he would look forward to future events too. If those plans fell through, he would be disappointed for all of two minutes. Then he could be easily redirected on to the next great thing, such as ice cream. This woman seems to think her child will fall into some deep depression over your wedding and thats highly unlikely!

I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and think that she believes her children are fragile. This is probably why they are so misbehaved. It's good that her daughter learns a little about disappointment. Life isn't all about getting what you want.

 

[TooPatient]

I''ve seen a kid (10 year old) who grew up like this. She was miserable. I say was because we no longer have anything to do with her (or her family).
The parents are not doing the kids any favor to raise them this way. What a shock it will be when they don''t get invited to a birthday party. Or aren''t included in every game on the playground.


Anyway, don''t let her manipulate you. Call her and talk to her again. Let her know that you and FH have discussed it and you will NOT be making an exception. Even close family is not to bring children.
If she argues at all, let her know that you think it would be best that she remain home with her children.

It is your wedding and you need to have BM who will show up and be responsible. (and from the sounds of it she would be likely to show up with the kid even after being told not to)

 

[oddoneout]

I say stick to your guns. It''s not fair for you to make an exception for her and no one else. Besides others may get angry if you do allow her to bring her child when they had to arrange for babysitters etc. for their children. I wouldn''t want to have or be at a wedding with children.

 

[Steel]

Date: 9/13/2009 9:54:03 PM
Author: cara
''She can''t hurt her daughter like that''

Sorry its a cruel, cruel world and its best her daughter learn while she''s young that she is not invited to all the parties, and crying woln''t help. Apparently her mother never learned that lesson.

I was quite sympathetic to the mother in the first bit of your story. How cute that her daughter was excited! How unfortunate that she assumed her daughter was invited or it wasn''t clear previously so her daughter had gotten all worked up! But when she asked for an exception and your final answer was no, then she should have taken her lumps and done her best to break it gently to her daughter. Its her job as a mom to teach her daughter that everything woln''t always go her way, and to be as kind and gentle about it but also demonstrate the right way to deal with disappointment.

What you do now is be an adult where your friend was not. If you have left things unclear, calmly call her up and ask her if she is attending. If she''s not, then you make arrangements. If she has had a change of heart, I''d do your best to move on and welcome her in the wedding, unless you feel she''d be really disruptive while there or continue the arguments in the meantime. Its not worth the mental energy if you think she will behave decently and wants to come.

 

[sonnyjane]

Please do not make an exception for her. What about all the other guests with children that didn''t bring them and see your one friend with her daughter? I can see it now... "Well apparently, we''re not close enough of friends to bring our kids"...

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 9/13/2009 8:29:08 PM
Author:soontowed
Last week I told my friend that we are not allowing people to bring their kids to our wedding. Yesterday she called me in tears saying that her daughter (who is only 3) has been looking forward to it and talks about it all the time. I told her that''s what we want and we are not making exceptions. All of a sudden she started crying and telling me how her daughter willbe devestated and she can''t hurt her daughter that way. Then she started saying some pretty ridiculous things like her daughter has it written down in her calender and doesn''t even care about Christmas, the wedding is all she talks about. I felt like she was trying to manipulate me into letting her daughter come.

Well, I suppose the real question is whether the 3 year old daughter entered it in her Filofax in bold cursive, or rather simply put it into her Blackberry''s calendar with an auto-alert reminder. As we all know, the later is a mere way to keep her social obligations straight, but the prior indicates that she''s planning to schedule her quarterly accounting reviews and semi-annual shareholder meetings around it as needed in order to attend the wedding.

 

[ts44]

Date: 9/14/2009 2:34:22 PM
Author: fleur-de-lis

Date: 9/13/2009 8:29:08 PM
Author:soontowed
Last week I told my friend that we are not allowing people to bring their kids to our wedding. Yesterday she called me in tears saying that her daughter (who is only 3) has been looking forward to it and talks about it all the time. I told her that''s what we want and we are not making exceptions. All of a sudden she started crying and telling me how her daughter willbe devestated and she can''t hurt her daughter that way. Then she started saying some pretty ridiculous things like her daughter has it written down in her calender and doesn''t even care about Christmas, the wedding is all she talks about. I felt like she was trying to manipulate me into letting her daughter come.

Well, I suppose the real question is whether the 3 year old daughter entered it in her Filofax in bold cursive, or rather simply put it into her Blackberry''s calendar with an auto-alert reminder. As we all know, the later is a mere way to keep her social obligations straight, but the prior indicates that she''s planning to schedule her quarterly accounting reviews and semi-annual shareholder meetings around it as needed in order to attend the wedding.

Oh my GOD ROFL! I am at work and you are killing me!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 9/14/2009 3:04:56 PM
Author: ts44

Date: 9/14/2009 2:34:22 PM

Author: fleur-de-lis

Date: 9/13/2009 8:29:08 PM

Author:soontowed

Last week I told my friend that we are not allowing people to bring their kids to our wedding. Yesterday she called me in tears saying that her daughter (who is only 3) has been looking forward to it and talks about it all the time. I told her that''s what we want and we are not making exceptions. All of a sudden she started crying and telling me how her daughter willbe devestated and she can''t hurt her daughter that way. Then she started saying some pretty ridiculous things like her daughter has it written down in her calender and doesn''t even care about Christmas, the wedding is all she talks about. I felt like she was trying to manipulate me into letting her daughter come.

Well, I suppose the real question is whether the 3 year old daughter entered it in her Filofax in bold cursive, or rather simply put it into her Blackberry''s calendar with an auto-alert reminder. As we all know, the later is a mere way to keep her social obligations straight, but the prior indicates that she''s planning to schedule her quarterly accounting reviews and semi-annual shareholder meetings around it as needed in order to attend the wedding.

Oh my GOD ROFL! I am at work and you are killing me!

Hahahah that''s hilarious!!!

 

[fieryred33143]

I haven''t read through the responses so I''m sorry if repeating. Stick to your guns. I''m amazed at how many parents forget how to be independent. She should not have laid that guilt trip on you. I personally disagree with having children at a wedding. They don''t belong there. Its an adult party. If the couple is gracious enough to dish out extra money to have children there then that''s very nice but totally unnecessary. I would not take DD to a wedding even if she were invited.

 

[Elmorton]

Just some ?s for background:

Is this wedding out of town? Is mom/bridesmaid a single mom? Would childcare be difficult for her to arrange? (ie, Grandma is the only babysitter and Grandma is also invited to the wedding, so mom is freaking about trying to figure out an overnight babysitter).

Since she is a member of your bridal party, I could see trying to make some accommodations for her if it would be difficult for the BM to make these accommodations for herself. For example, if the wedding was out of town, and I was a single parent, no, I probably wouldn''t want to leave my kid at home over the weekend with a babysitter I didn''t know well. Or, if it was out of town, and I was using vacation time/using the wedding as a vacation, I might want the entire family to be included, meaning I''d want my kid to be there, too - she might be freaking out as to what to do with the child while she''s doing her BM thing (or heck, maybe she is trying to get un-bridesmaided!).

The only exception I made to kids at my wedding was because my Grandparents rarely, rarely see their great-grandchildren, and I don''t even know if my great-aunt had ever seen anything other than photos. Because I had so many family members traveling far distances, I didn''t want to exclude my cousins'' children, because I knew that for the elderly family members, while they were there for my wedding, they were really there to see the whole family together. I wanted it to be special for them.

I mention this because I wonder if there is someone/a group that mom desperately wants to show off her kid to? I''m just wondering what the motivation here is..other than "Suzy wants to come see a wedding!" because that''s just silly.

 

[ts44]

I am telling everybody there are No Kids at the wedding. And I mean anybody under the age of 16! However, I did book a venue that has available child care services in a room upstairs. I''m not broadcasting this service to anybody at all. If somebody DOES have a last minute issue though, and kids show up, they at least won''t be running amok at the reception.

Does your venue have a service like this available? I find it hard to believe that people cannot find ANYBODY to watch their children this far out from the actual event, but if she is sincerely having an issue with child care, you could let her bring the daughter and keep it on the down-low?

It doesn''t sound like that''s the case here though, unless she''s just choosing a really poor way of telling you "I can''t find anybody to watch my kid."

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 9/13/2009 8:29:08 PM
Author:soontowed
Last week I told my friend that we are not allowing people to bring their kids to our wedding. Yesterday she called me in tears saying that her daughter (who is only 3) has been looking forward to it and talks about it all the time. I told her that''s what we want and we are not making exceptions. All of a sudden she started crying and telling me how her daughter willbe devestated and she can''t hurt her daughter that way. Then she started saying some pretty ridiculous things like her daughter has it written down in her calender and doesn''t even care about Christmas, the wedding is all she talks about. I felt like she was trying to manipulate me into letting her daughter come.

And at the end she basically said she''s not coming to the wedding if her daughter can''t. She is supposed to be one of my best friends AND a briidesmaid. I think it''s all pretty ridiculous. I will not budge on the kid thing because it is very important to me; I do not want screaming kids at my wedding. And actually, her kids are pretty poorly behaved. We are not letting anyone bring children, not even FH''s sister.

What do I do now? Now I don''t even know if I want her to be in the wedding. It will just be awkward because I''m not going to get past the way she talked to me.

As a mom of a kid that just turned 4 two days ago, I''m calling BS on her. There is no way my 4 year old would give a wedding that much thought and effort. He reserves that for trying to figure out what he''s getting for his birthday and Christmas

My daughter was 6 years old and the flower girl when I married DH and she wasn''t going on and on the way your friend''s daughter supposidly is. She''s completely guilting you. We had kids at our wedding but that''s what we wanted and we planned accordingly. If you are planning a no kids wedding, then that has to apply to all kids, no just select ones.

 

[tlh]

My BFF has a bridesmaid who has children, was coming in from out of town... flying in fact, and told her her kids weren''t invited... the friend advised that if that was the case she''d rather step down from being a bridesmaid, and she probably won''t be able to make it - since leaving her children in another state for a weekend would not be an option. She didn''t budge.

Their friendship has since fallen apart.

Fast forward 8 months. FMIL threw a fit about the no kids thing. I mean a HUGE FIT. Guess who won... the FMIL because the groom wouldn''t stand up to his mom... or wahtever... and now kids will be at the wedding... the reception.. everthing.

So she lost a friendship for nothing.

No keep in mind it is your day. It will be special and beautiful. We didn''t want kids at our wedding... and we provided on site teachers from a friend''s school and did advertise it to our guests so we could get a correct count and budget for it. The teachers made $100 an hour, and you know what... we had some on a wait list who wanted to do it. It made it convient and on site. The kids had a blast - and we had a kid free reception. I only take the other route because, your wedding though special... is only one day. Keep in mind, that people are very protective about SO''s and CHILDREN. Some will take it as a slap in their face that their children weren''t invited... same as SPOUSES. Mature individuals won''t... but some will. it depends on your friend, and honestly... if it matters to your friend... and is a deal breaker... just keep in mind - this could be a deal breaker for your friendship.

Sorry you''re going through this.