COVID-Are Your Friends and Family Actually Now Your Enemies?

[LLJsmom]

I can live with other people’s (relative’s or otherwise) disapprobation for not seeing them. It may make me sad but not enough to change my behavior. I do think that people holding social gathering are being selfish. I don’t think 6 feet is sufficient social distance. They might think I’m being selfish or self-centered. Oh well. Such is life. I’d rather live it.

 

[TooPatient]

No, I don't view it as such. People can be foolish and selfish and it is not a good combo. People often show poor judgment. I think that is what is happening in many different situations now. Poor judgment and also a false belief it cannot happen to them. I don't view people like this as the enemy. I view their behavior as selfish and risky. It is up to us to keep ourselves safe from them but in many cases I love them but just don't agree with their viewpoint.



I agree those holding large functions now are behaving selfishly. Endangering not just themselves but others. Of course we have control over whether we attend or not. Or do we? Not under all circumstances IMO. I cannot decide not to attend my MIL's funeral tomorrow. I have to be there to support my DH. We are a team. This is his mother. Do we (yes both DH and I) wish that the funeral and mass would have been postponed to after Covid sometime in 2021? Yes we both do. However my DH was not in charge of the plans and we cannot choose not to attend.

Under all other circumstances we would not go anywhere near a crowd. Outside or inside let alone inside a church for an hour and inside a funeral home for 2 hours. We will be wearing masks and shields and social distancing as best we can.

I wonder how others who feel similarly would handle this situation?




Absolutely. @OboeGal I agree with everything you wrote.

I was not surprised by my dh's brothers decision to go ahead with the funeral and mass now. His family has always been selfish and sadly continue to be. What I was surprised about however is one of his brothers is in the medical field. He is a surgeon. And he is coming here with his entire family on a plane for the funeral. So apparently he feels the risk is either minimal or doesn't pertain to his family or whatever measures they are taking he feels safe.

I am fine with others taking whatever risks they deem appropriate for them. I take umbrage at them putting others at risk. Knowing full well we cannot refuse to attend. I mean we could refuse but we wouldn't.

How many of you would refuse to attend funeral services for your immediate family?

@missy I was thinking about you as I was reflecting on the question and some of the replies. I don't know what I would do in your situation. It is easy to sit from a distance and say just don't go, but it would be difficult for me to make that choice if it was one of my grandparents. Anyone else, I would probably miss and people could deal with it. For them? I can't imagine not being there for Grandma or Grandpa if one of them passed on. They have been married for 61 years and it will be a massive blow.

There are certain life events that are so massive it would be difficult to not be there. I'm not talking birthdays or other things that happen again (even if you miss in person 50th, you can be there for 51st and still talk on 50). Funerals and birth of a child are a couple that come to mind as a one time thing that has little/no flexibility in timing.


All that said, I am choosing to keep my distance from everyone. I have barely left the house since February. DH has left the house 6 times since March 1 - hospital, Dr, blood work, COVID test twice, and once to ride in the car with me to the dentist in case they wanted to do the extractions same day (he stayed in the car). I had those plus a small handful more to pick up prescriptions and drop a paper check off for a payment that isn't electronic. I have been to a store 3 times since 2/15. I have a dairy delivery from a farm once per week, a produce delivery from a produce service once every other week, and Amazon Prime monthly for pet supplies & vitamins. I just discovered store pick up at one place that I liked how they do things. Done that twice now and will use for any other groceries needed for the foreseeable future.

I have visited my grandparents twice. Once outdoors only. Both no touching and keeping distance. Each time after I had been home with absolutely no out of the house trips for a minimum of two weeks. I'm still anxious about spreading anything to them, but I think there is little/no chance we have anything here in the house. We are probably at more risk from them. They stay home, but my mom, aunt, brother, and two cousins live with them and still go out grocery shopping and a couple go to work. (We talked about shopping. They will use pick up from now on to minimize outside contact.)

 

[missy]

@missy I was thinking about you as I was reflecting on the question and some of the replies. I don't know what I would do in your situation. It is easy to sit from a distance and say just don't go, but it would be difficult for me to make that choice if it was one of my grandparents. Anyone else, I would probably miss and people could deal with it. For them? I can't imagine not being there for Grandma or Grandpa if one of them passed on. They have been married for 61 years and it will be a massive blow.

There are certain life events that are so massive it would be difficult to not be there. I'm not talking birthdays or other things that happen again (even if you miss in person 50th, you can be there for 51st and still talk on 50). Funerals and birth of a child are a couple that come to mind as a one time thing that has little/no flexibility in timing.


All that said, I am choosing to keep my distance from everyone. I have barely left the house since February. DH has left the house 6 times since March 1 - hospital, Dr, blood work, COVID test twice, and once to ride in the car with me to the dentist in case they wanted to do the extractions same day (he stayed in the car). I had those plus a small handful more to pick up prescriptions and drop a paper check off for a payment that isn't electronic. I have been to a store 3 times since 2/15. I have a dairy delivery from a farm once per week, a produce delivery from a produce service once every other week, and Amazon Prime monthly for pet supplies & vitamins. I just discovered store pick up at one place that I liked how they do things. Done that twice now and will use for any other groceries needed for the foreseeable future.

I have visited my grandparents twice. Once outdoors only. Both no touching and keeping distance. Each time after I had been home with absolutely no out of the house trips for a minimum of two weeks. I'm still anxious about spreading anything to them, but I think there is little/no chance we have anything here in the house. We are probably at more risk from them. They stay home, but my mom, aunt, brother, and two cousins live with them and still go out grocery shopping and a couple go to work. (We talked about shopping. They will use pick up from now on to minimize outside contact.)

Thanks for your perspective B. It isn't an easy decision either way and I respect everyone's opinions. You are right @TooPatient-Until you walk in that person's shoes.
It is wise for you to keep your distance from others as best you can and I hope your grandparents remain well and you get to enjoy their company soon again. Outdoor social distancing with them occasionally seems a very good compromise for now.

 

[missy]

I’m really sorry you’re being put in this dangerous, difficult situation, @missy.

I would call at the last minute and tell the other family members that my husband is running a fever and that we don’t want to risk THEIR health and safety by attending. And then I would host a separate memorial service post-COVID.

Thank you @SallyB for your suggestion. I like the way you think. I presented this to Greg but I knew before I did he would say no. We generally like to be above board no matter what even if it causes issues with others. He doesn't want to have to lie and if we weren't going to go he would tell them why. But in this case he just doesn't want to miss his mom's funeral. He swears to me if we don't feel safe, if people aren't social distancing and wearing masks we can leave the church and funeral home. So with great concern we are attending and planning on being vigilant.

 

[missy]

@missy, I'm so sorry that you're in the position you are. It's awful, frankly. You asked what others of us would do about funerals for close family members, so here is my honest answer: if it was my relative - even a parent - I would not go. Not during this time. I don't believe my brother would have tried to hold a funeral under these circumstances, but if he had, I would have absolutely let him know that doing so would be stupid and selfish beyond the pale (using nicer words) and that I would be no part of it. If that made him angry at me, so be it. I'd rather we be alive to be angry at each other and to be able to worry about how to repair the relationship than to no longer have that option or to have to live with knowing we put others in danger. If I were to go (which I wouldn't), I not only wouldn't ask my DH to go - I would insist that he didn't. If something were to happen to one of my in-laws, there is nothing we can do because they are all in the Netherlands and Brazil and we can't go there even if we wanted to. If he could go, I think my DH would probably lean against doing so, and if he did, he would definitely not expect me to.

Thank you @OboeGal if this were my decision alone we would not be attending the services or the wake or even the burial. But I feel I am in an untenable situation. And so I stand with my DH for better or worse and will be by his side. Taking as many precautions as possible and hoping we don't come to regret this decision.

Know I agree completely with you. And if the situation were reversed no I wouldn't be asking my DH to go and I wouldn't be going. My parents already told me they want no funeral service and want to just be cremated. But hopefully we don't have to worry about that for a very long time.

@missy, I just wanted to pop back in with another perspective. I mentioned to DH that we were discussing the dilemma of what to do about a loved one's funeral. He said that he would not himself participate in holding a funeral during this time, and if one of his siblings insisted on doing so, he would let them know that he would not attend, even for a parent. (Unlike me, he said he would keep it to himself that he thought having a funeral was a terrible decision. He has a cooler head about this sort of thing than I do! But he said that he would hope that he, as a son of the deceased, choosing to not attend would send a signal to other family members and friends that they could feel comfortable not attending either to protect themselves.) If they wanted him to deliver the eulogy, he would tell them to use technology so that he could do so remotely from home, through Skype or whatever, and that he would be happy to do so, but if that was not acceptable, they would just have to find someone else. He would not even remotely consider being there, nor expect or want me to.

Thanks for sharing your DH's POV. If this were for anyone but my DH's mom we wouldn't be struggling with this decision. It would be a relatively easy heck no we aren't going. Turns out the Church wants to (thankfully and hopefully they will stand by this) keep the service relatively short (still too long IMO at probably an hour) and so is only allowing 5 minutes for the eulogy. We shall see. I am prepared to walk out of the Church and funeral home need be and take my DH with me. Because if he is exposed we are both exposed but I am doing my best to support my DH at this very difficult time. We are saying goodbye to his mom and she was incredible in many ways and one can never replace one's mom. I cannot even begin to fathom the loss and well I want to be there for my DH at this time despite my good sense telling me this is a mistake. In my heart feel it is never a mistake to be a supportive spouse and we will do our best to take good care today. I am nervous. I very much appreciate you sharing your thoughts and good wishes. Thank you.

 

[missy]

I’m so sorry @missy, I know tomorrow is a great concern for you, hopefully the day will be a fitting send off for MIL, and will pass without any problems.

Thank you dear @Austina and thank you for all your warm and kind support off-line too. You are a good friend and Greg and I appreciate it.

Missy, its Monday afternoon here already
You and Greg's family are in my thoughts today
hugs to you both

Thank you dear @Daisys and Diamonds it is just 4:20AM here. Fed the cats and have to administer meds to them now and then have breakfast and perhaps a bit of a workout to get me energized for what will be a very long and challenging day. Appreciate your kind words and all your generous support.

True that! And thank you for giving me the strength to say no. I will remind them that they surely won’t be around to help me should I get it, will they?!

@missy I am so sorry you have to attend the funeral, and I know that you do have to...I think his brother should’ve taken the Pandemic into account. I am constantly surprised at people’s lack of common sense. It’s not ‘common’ at all!!

Thank you dear @Slick1 and I am glad you are not seeing your niece and her family. You are making the right decision. It is the decision we would be making as well if we could. But as you well know we cannot. I know you understand and sending you gentle hugs. Be well and be safe.

 

[Gussie]

@missy, you are in my prayers today. I am very sorry for your loss.

 

[Arcadian]

When it comes to funerals I'm done, the dead don't care if you're there. My mother guilted me into going to my grandmother's and I told her never again and she knows I mean that. Never again will my last image of a family member be of one in a box. That messed me up for years, I had to have some massive therapy behind that.

So I'm done with funerals. I will never again subject myself to one because I value my mental health.
Both parents know this so, they won't go to that well again.

My husband and I have agreed we will not burden each other with a funeral.

@missy I'm very sorry for your families loss, and I sincerely hope both of you stay well through this. My extended family has endured 6 covid losses. Funerals if there were any, were kept to very immediate family and under 10 people.

 

[GreenPapaya]

@missy You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope people are practicing social distancing/ wearing masks and you are safe and well.

I had a difficult time deciding whether to go to my dad's funeral too. I didn't have a car and would either have to take the subway and Amtrak or rent a car. I was a touch worried because my mom and brother at the funeral would still have covid and I'm still undergoing cancer treatments and my husband hasn't been to the doctor since 1997, who knows what he has. I was very upset when my cousin was trying to guilt me to go and downplaying the risks to my family. In the end, I went, for me, because I wanted to, and tried to social distance (but of course people tried to touch me there anyway).

Anyway that was early June. A month later and friends and extended family are still avoiding my mom. Most of my parents' friends and extended family members did not call or send an email or asked how my family is doing. When neighbors see her outside, they would cross the street and ignore/avoid her. My mom used to cook and clean for the temple for charity and they told her not to do it anymore. They don't want her food, even though she is no longer positive for covid. My mom is very depressed and lonely. In a matter of weeks she's lost my dad (they've been married for over 50 years) and most of the community support. I understand people are scared and don't want to get sick or die or spread the illness, but it's heartbreaking. And it's not like everyone is practicing social distancing from each other, they're just distancing from her since they knew she had the virus. So no, I don't see my family and friends as enemies. We're practicing social distancing to save each other. But we're still going to Skype or Hangout and sometimes even say hello outside (masked and at least 6 feet apart).

 

[missy]

@missy, you are in my prayers today. I am very sorry for your loss.

Thank you @Gussie.

When it comes to funerals I'm done, the dead don't care if you're there. My mother guilted me into going to my grandmother's and I told her never again and she knows I mean that. Never again will my last image of a family member be of one in a box. That messed me up for years, I had to have some massive therapy behind that.

So I'm done with funerals. I will never again subject myself to one because I value my mental health.
Both parents know this so, they won't go to that well again.

My husband and I have agreed we will not burden each other with a funeral.

@missy I'm very sorry for your families loss, and I sincerely hope both of you stay well through this. My extended family has endured 6 covid losses. Funerals if there were any, were kept to very immediate family and under 10 people.

Thanks @Arcadian. I am so sorry for your losses. So terrible.
I hear you re funerals. Today was just exhausting and I hope and pray no one gets ill from it. It was risky. Everyone wore masks but no one social distanced at the wake and it was impossible to do so. Keeping it under 10 would have been prudent but no. Many people showed today to pay their respects. And I truly hope no one gets Covid as a result.

@missy You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope people are practicing social distancing/ wearing masks and you are safe and well.

I had a difficult time deciding whether to go to my dad's funeral too. I didn't have a car and would either have to take the subway and Amtrak or rent a car. I was a touch worried because my mom and brother at the funeral would still have covid and I'm still undergoing cancer treatments and my husband hasn't been to the doctor since 1997, who knows what he has. I was very upset when my cousin was trying to guilt me to go and downplaying the risks to my family. In the end, I went, for me, because I wanted to, and tried to social distance (but of course people tried to touch me there anyway).

Anyway that was early June. A month later and friends and extended family are still avoiding my mom. Most of my parents' friends and extended family members did not call or send an email or asked how my family is doing. When neighbors see her outside, they would cross the street and ignore/avoid her. My mom used to cook and clean for the temple for charity and they told her not to do it anymore. They don't want her food, even though she is no longer positive for covid. My mom is very depressed and lonely. In a matter of weeks she's lost my dad (they've been married for over 50 years) and most of the community support. I understand people are scared and don't want to get sick or die or spread the illness, but it's heartbreaking. And it's not like everyone is practicing social distancing from each other, they're just distancing from her since they knew she had the virus. So no, I don't see my family and friends as enemies. We're practicing social distancing to save each other. But we're still going to Skype or Hangout and sometimes even say hello outside (masked and at least 6 feet apart).

Ugh, I am so sorry @dizzyakira. Their behavior is unconscionable. My heart goes out to you and your mother. No words. No, wait, I do have words. Some people just suck. I am so sorry your mom is going through this and I hope she has some true friends she can turn to. I am glad she has your support at leases. Sending you and her gentle hugs and well wishes. And thank you for all your kind words and good thoughts. Much appreciated.

As I wrote above today was exhausting and too crowded and I guess time will tell if we get sick from attending. We did wear good face masks and shields and when we could we social distanced but at the wake that was impossible. Many friends attended the entire day which surprised us because we told them to stay home. But some of them feel like we are family and felt they had to attend. So they did. It was an emotional day. And if there is a heaven I hope my MIL is there. She was a devout Catholic and a fervent believer. I pray her dreams are realized.

We had our friend take a pic when the events were over.


It was the first time we wore face shields.The face shield wasn't too suffocating but it is challenging wearing a mask straight for 5 hours. I don't know how medical professionals do it for the entire day. But I guess we do what we have to do.

Thanks for all your kind words and support.
Stay well everyone and be kind to one another. Life is hard and getting more challenging all the time.

Looking forward to a brighter tomorrow. And hoping it comes sooner vs later. In the meantime one day, one hour at a time. Sending all of you well wishes and virtual hugs.

 

[SallyB]

@missy Condolences again.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

When it comes to funerals I'm done, the dead don't care if you're there. My mother guilted me into going to my grandmother's and I told her never again and she knows I mean that. Never again will my last image of a family member be of one in a box. That messed me up for years, I had to have some massive therapy behind that.

So I'm done with funerals. I will never again subject myself to one because I value my mental health.
Both parents know this so, they won't go to that well again.

My husband and I have agreed we will not burden each other with a funeral.

@missy I'm very sorry for your families loss, and I sincerely hope both of you stay well through this. My extended family has endured 6 covid losses. Funerals if there were any, were kept to very immediate family and under 10 people.

Im so so sorry that covid has stuck your family, and i don't blame you for not going to funnerals, not even in non-covid times

My mother layed the quilt on real thick when i would not go to the cemetry to see my dad go into the ground but i dug my toes in and refused to go
i also refused to see him once he had died, my sister said she wish she hadn't because he felt cold
my much loved cat Tinky i wouldn't look at - he was inside a pillowcase because i didn't want dirt to get on his fur - he felt hard and cold when i picked him up
I remember being taken to see grandad at the funeral directors and i did not want that as a last menory of my dad