Cousin drama!

[purrfectpear]

You gave us a ton of background, but the bottom line is that regardless of all the family drama the TWO of you are engaging in, you borrowed a chair - you broke a chair in your possession - you need to fix the chair - and return it.

What she does or doesn't do with it (use it, throw it out, whatev) is completely immaterial to the issue. The issue IS the chair, not all the other stuff both of you are "kitchen sinking" about.

Fix the chair and your responsibility is over. It's the right thing to do. Then the family can deal with all the other issues if they choose to.

It's like repaying a loan to a spendthrift or drug addict. Just because you're mad at them, think they'll lose the money, throw it away, or spend it on drugs doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you need to repay the loan.

 

[risingsun]

I think the issue with the chair was compounded with the deeper concerns between you and your cousin. All of your hurt and frustration came pouring out in your emails. Calling your cousin passive-aggressive put the cherry on the cake, I''m afraid. It might have been better had these been two separate discussions. That being said, I would repair the chair and send it with an apology for breaking it while it was in your care. Let her know it would mean a lot to you if she would take this as a gesture of your good will. Then let it go. Either you will or won''t repair your relationship--the next step is up to her. You will, at least, be making her whole regardlless of what she said to the contrary in the past. She has shown you much generosity at some points in your life. Consider how you want to leave things with her. You are not doing this for her...you would be doing this for you.

 

[alli_esq]

fleur-de-lis: harsh or not, I do really appreciate your advice. I might at some point apologize for the way that I wrote to her--you''re right that the way I spoke to her this time was more than a little nasty. Lending me the chair was a favor--as were all of the other things she has done for me. Whether or not she has had an ulterior motive is ultimately irrelevant to whether or not I owe something to her on this particular occasion. My mom seems hell-bent on having the chair fixed, so I think that is probably what is going to happen.

Just for the sake of completeness (hey, if you''ve read this far, I guess I might as well bore you further!), here are the two other emails that were sent prior to the ones I posted above...I didn''t post them before because I thought I kinda went through it, but I guess I might as well post them too, to give the whole picture:

*********************
to: C
from: me

Hi, C,

I''m writing because my mom has been storing the rocking chair you lent to me in my old bedroom at her house...but she''s using that room a lot more now that bro moved back home (as her computer/TV room), so she needs more room in there--she asked what I could do about that chair, so I thought I''d ask you.

I can try to hold her off until Thanksgiving--maybe bro can pack it up in his jeep and bring it to your apartment (or wherever else you''d like it) when he drives you home that night? If you''d like it before that, I can try to fit it in my car and drive it back to you myself--but I know it barely fit in old roommate''s car when we picked it up, and I don''t think that mine is any bigger, so I can''t say for sure that I can do it that way.

Let me know what works for you

Thanks!
me
**********************************

to: me
from: C

to be honest with you - since the chair is broken - i really do no want it in my apartment since i do not have any space to put something that I can''t use - and I don''t want to be the person responsible for fixing it - i think that is a bit unfair.

so if fixing it is not an option - - and you mother no no-longer can find anywhere in the whole house to put it - then I guess just throw it out. sucks

c
**********************************************

Italiahaircolor: you''re probably right about the whole email thing--but I always have to avoid speaking to C on the phone; either she doesn''t pick up, doesn''t call me back, or, on the rare occasion we do actually speak, she inevitably will go into a diatribe about how much she can''t stand my mom--which I really hate listening to (and have told her not to do on many occasions with no response). I would write C a check for the cost of the repair (or the cost of the chair), but i know she won''t accept it. I was thinking that I might just bring an envelope with cash to her apartment (I could leave it with her doorman or inside her apartment since I have the key--not that I''ve ever once gone into her apartment without her permission, but that might be the only way to get the $$ to her), but I know it will just create more problems. She is so stubborn, and now that this has gotten so contentious and she has specifically told me she doesn''t want the chair, it''s just a mess. I know she will throw the chair away (and be pissed that she has to be the one who is made to deal with the task of finding a way to dispose of it), or would somehow give the money back to me...she''s just far gone now. But I hear you. Something needs to happen, and I am far from off the hook.

thing2of2: that was my intent until my mom decided that she is going to get the chair fixed--thanks for understanding my b*tchiness, haha...

ninama: omg, LOL!

crown1: I swear, I am not normally a vindictive person--and I always try to reconcile with people if there has been a misunderstanding or I have behaved badly. But, although I recognize that I dealt with this in a far from formidable manner, I still am finding it difficult if not impossible to care how C wishes to be treated. As far as I can see, she is angry at me, so she is punishing my mother by not coming to Thanksgiving this year. It angers me to no end how she treats my mother, and this is just another nail in the coffin on that end. Like I said, I''m happy she won''t be there--maybe we''ll actually have a nice holiday for once without all the negativity and general mean-ness--but it''s important to my mom to have her one relative who lives in the NY area with us for the holiday. And C knows that, and thinks that not showing up will mean that my mom will be angry at me...it''s all so childish and mean. maybe I will eventually apologize--I''m sure I probably should...but I''m still so angry at her overall attitude toward my family.

swimmer: I wish that she would start "missing" my mother--my mom is always so sad that C refuses to continue any semblance of a relationship with her...but I have a feeling this is the beginning of the end of her absence at the holidays. As far as the caning classes--it''s funny you should mention that! A friend of mine gave me a caning kit a while back for this very purpose, but because the integrity of the chair has been compromised due to the improper repair (essentially, the holes that you use to create the wicker seat have been pulled out, and so the wicker was heavy-duty GLUED to the seat--the chair can''t be repaired now unless someone rebuilds the seat because the holes are nonexistent and the glue on the structure of the chair ruined the seat...if that makes any sense?)...thank you for the idea though If I could do it, I might! Of course, if the chair wasn''t already ruined, it wouldn''t cost nearly as much to have it re-caned, so I probably would have just paid to have someone else do it...and never would have brought it up to her in the first place.

diamondfan: yes, and if I had addressed these feelings at another time, this chair probably wouldn''t have meant anything anyway...but I let it go on for years without saying anything, trying to keep the peace. I should have known that it would eventually spill out of me.

Kaleigh: I do feel like I tried my best at this point, but I know this is going to be a problem for the rest of my mother''s life. If my mother weren''t around, there is no way I would have ANY relationship with C at all after the way she has treated me (and I''m sure she feels the same way about me).

purrfectpear: you do make an excellent point. And like I said, I would certainly have fixed it if she had said ANYTHING other than what she did (that she didn''t want it fixed). But now that she says she doesn''t want it back, I feel like it is only going to prolong the issue--if she finds the chair at her apartment, she is going to get furious because she said she didn''t want it. I hear ya, though--that''s not really my problem, I guess...if she wants to throw it out, that''s on her. (incidentally, I especially appreciate you chiming in here because you really do always tell it like it is--thanks for popping in!)



Sorry it took me a little while to get back to all of you--again, thank you all so much for reading all about my situation and giving me your frank advice. It is so very welcome and appreciated!

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 10/21/2008 11:10:03 AM
Author: risingsun
I think the issue with the chair was compounded with the deeper concerns between you and your cousin. All of your hurt and frustration came pouring out in your emails. Calling your cousin passive-aggressive put the cherry on the cake, I''m afraid. It might have been better had these been two separate discussions. That being said, I would repair the chair and send it with an apology for breaking it while it was in your care. Let her know it would mean a lot to you if she would take this as a gesture of your good will. Then let it go. Either you will or won''t repair your relationship--the next step is up to her. You will, at least, be making her whole regardlless of what she said to the contrary in the past. She has shown you much generosity at some points in your life. Consider how you want to leave things with her. You are not doing this for her...you would be doing this for you.

I really like how you put this. Thank you for your advice. I think that is likely what is going to happen--repairing the chair, bringing it to her with an apology. I know she won''t accept either (the chair or the apology), but that''s the best I could do at this point.

 

[dragonfly411]

alli - I think that would be the best thing. If she doesn''t accept, then that shows the type of person she is IMHO

 

[risingsun]

Date: 10/21/2008 11:17:08 AM
Author: alli_esq

Date: 10/21/2008 11:10:03 AM
Author: risingsun
I think the issue with the chair was compounded with the deeper concerns between you and your cousin. All of your hurt and frustration came pouring out in your emails. Calling your cousin passive-aggressive put the cherry on the cake, I'm afraid. It might have been better had these been two separate discussions. That being said, I would repair the chair and send it with an apology for breaking it while it was in your care. Let her know it would mean a lot to you if she would take this as a gesture of your good will. Then let it go. Either you will or won't repair your relationship--the next step is up to her. You will, at least, be making her whole regardlless of what she said to the contrary in the past. She has shown you much generosity at some points in your life. Consider how you want to leave things with her. You are not doing this for her...you would be doing this for you.

I really like how you put this. Thank you for your advice. I think that is likely what is going to happen--repairing the chair, bringing it to her with an apology. I know she won't accept either (the chair or the apology), but that's the best I could do at this point.

I'm glad I could be helpful. This will allow you to move on, I believe. If she is unable to do so, that is her problem, not yours. Best regards and keep your chin up

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 10/21/2008 11:10:14 AM
Author: alli_esq

**********************************


to: me

from: C


to be honest with you - since the chair is broken - i really do no want it in my apartment since i do not have any space to put something that I can''t use - and I don''t want to be the person responsible for fixing it - i think that is a bit unfair.

so if fixing it is not an option - - and you mother no no-longer can find anywhere in the whole house to put it - then I guess just throw it out. sucks

c

**********************************************

Im going to be rude for a second and maybe it will open your eyes maybe not....
That is a lot nicer than I would have put it in her position.
I don''t see where you got passive aggressive out of it.
Would have been nice to have seen this earlier.
It just reinforces what I said 5x.

It is not fair that she be responsible for fixing it. That is 100% true.
If your not going to do the adult thing and fix it then throwing it away is a reasonable thing to request.
Notice she did not say she didn''t want it back she just said she couldn''t use a broken chair.
Then she said it sucks she isn''t getting the chair back in a functional condition like she loaned it to you when she said sucks.

imho you not only owe her a chair but an apology also for the snarky emails.

 

[princesss]

Karl, thanks for saying that better than I could have.

Alli, that e-mail doesn''t sound passive-aggressive. It sounds disappointed. She loaned you something, you broke it, you made a fuss over how much it costs to fix, she tried to suck it up and say it didn''t matter when it did (since you made it clear you didn''t think you could afford it), then felt like you were trying to give her something you broke and make her fix it. That e-mail is as honest as possible without coming off as a huge guilt trip. I think you read way more into it than is there.

Bottom line is, she wanted her chair back as a chair, not some broken, useless junk.

Based on her first e-mail to you, you were way out of line on this. It''s not like she knew the chair wasn''t going to hold up when she loaned it to you and just wanted to get somebody else to pay for it. It broke in your possession.

If I was her, I would have been really hurt to get that second e-mail.

 

[alli_esq]

Thanks, Karl and princesss for your honesty...

I do understand that when someone lends something out, they deserve to have it back in substantially the same condition it was loaned--I never disputed that. I was (am) just angry that she had out and out lied to me when she told me a year and a half ago that she didn''t want me to fix it--that the chair was really just a cheap junk sale find, and that it wasn''t worth the expensive repair to her--she tends to be very frugal and doesn''t like to waste money, so a comment like that (which at the time, truly seemed heartfelt to my mother and to me, and not sarcastic) seemed very much consistent with her character. My mistake here was to believe her.

At the time she told me not to repair the chair, I assure you, I told her that I would gladly do it if she wanted it done. I have never downplayed any of the generous things she had done for me over the years--though I am sure that through your eyes and through C''s eyes, I haven''t (and couldn''t) show her enough gratitude.

Of course, none of this ever would have even transpired if I wasn''t so angry at the way she''s been treating me, especially since I got engaged and graduated from law school. After receiving her first email (which, looking at it through your eyes now, I realize was not necessarily as nasty as I initially felt it was, though she could easily have told me those things in April of 2007 instead of now, and I never would have batted an eye), I would have simply said, "sorry for the misunderstanding--I''ll fix it and get back to you" if I wasn''t so angry about other things that have recently rolled off her tongue. On top of the repeated mention of the fact that she couldn''t believe I was graduating back in May, she scoffed at the mention that I might pass the bar the first time, she has said that I was being selfish by having my wedding on a Friday, that her brother (and his wife and twin 2 year-olds who live far away) won''t come to the wedding because it''s too close to Thanksgiving, and other nasty comments about the location, timing and cost of the event.

Anyway, perhaps I''m being too sensitive (it certainly wouldn''t be the first time). I definitely have let her general negative attitude and nastiness toward me, my fiance and most especially my mother build up over time. I see now (thanks to your words of wisdom) that I didn''t treat this particular event in the way I should have. Thanks for the perspective.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Alli_esq, I just wanted to log in to say how impressed I am by how receptive/contemplative you''ve been to all the viewpoints expressed in this thread. It''s an uncommon trait, and no matter what your final decision, I felt compelled to let you know that someone finds your grace and even-handedness with competing ideas admirable.

 

[princesss]

Hey, it''s not the first time that people have reacted to something a little out of context. I definitely think you''re right to be upset about her comments re: law school, the bar, and your SO. But it''s probably better to address those when a comment about those comes up.

I do think it''s good you''re choosing to do the right thing on this, whether or not she ultimately accepts it, I was just hoping that fresh eyes on the situation would result in a genuine apology (even if it sucks having to say it). I think she''ll appriciate it when she sees that you''re really trying to do the right thing.

BTW, I''m not entirely certain I said congrats on getting through law school! That''s not the easiest thing, and it definitely takes something special to make it through. Congratulations (however belated they may be)!

 

[dragonfly411]

Alli
Here''s what I think should transpire from here. Fix the chair, since you did borrow it (my original take was that she had given you a bunch of stuff that was serving as clutter for her, not leant it). Apologize for getting upset, and for the chair seeming to be the focal point of you being upset. BUT I also think you need to POINT OUT to her WHY all the things she has said upset you, and how they lead up to this final blow up!!! YOU have GOT TO SETTLE THAT and get that out to her, otherwise she is always going to belittle you.