Couplings with surprising endings?

[jaysonsmom]

Do you know couples who you have always thought would never work out end up staying together for the long haul? Or the opposite, who you thought would be together forever, but ended up divorced?

My husband was my rebound guy after a 4.5 year relationship with the guy I thought I'd be married to, and everyone including myself never thought we would still be together 22 years later (married for 20!). I also recently met up with an ex-coworker who had a rough 5+ year relationship with her boyfriend with whom she fought with all the time, and turned down his proposal 2 times....but eventually marrying and they are celebrating 20 years this year as well.

My cousin dated this girl for 10 years, and they lived together for 7 of those years, but sadly were divorced a couple years after tying the knot. This came as a shock to us, because we all thought having lived together for all those years, they had already gotten used to each other's lifestyle. Found out later that she resented being tied down, and becoming a suburban housewife, and wanted to live in the big city continue having an active nightlife.

The thread about the guy proposing with the MMD is what got me thinking about crazy relationships and surprising endings...

 

[Austina]

Nobody thought DH and I would work out. We’d known each other 3 months when we decided to get married. We got married 7 months after meeting, and have been married nearly 43 years.

We knew a couple who dated all through school, so by the time they got married, they’d been going out for 10 years. Within a year of getting married, they’d separated and subsequently divorced.

 

[123ducklings]

My aunt was a wild child growing up. She met a sailor and a few months later they went down to the courthouse. No one thought it would last, but they’ve been together 30ish years and outlasted many of her siblings more “stable”-seeming pairings.

Another aunt and uncle seemed rock solid — very focused on their family and always seemed happy, no arguing or frustrations. Soon after their youngest child left for college they decided to split up. It was a shock to everyone. There was no big fight or cheating or anything, and they’ve stayed close friends and genuinely care for each other. I guess the romantic love just wasn’t there anymore.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

 

[voce]

I always thought my parents would take care of each other. Lately it's been a cold war, as their poor communication has led to entrenched attitudes on both sides. Once they had an empty nest, they just no longer had the same interests, and are headed towards splitsville.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I always thought my parents would take care of each other. Lately it's been a cold war, as their poor communication has led to entrenched attitudes on both sides. Once they had an empty nest, they just no longer had the same interests, and are headed towards splitsville.

My aunt was a wild child growing up. She met a sailor and a few months later they went down to the courthouse. No one thought it would last, but they’ve been together 30ish years and outlasted many of her siblings more “stable”-seeming pairings.

Another aunt and uncle seemed rock solid — very focused on their family and always seemed happy, no arguing or frustrations. Soon after their youngest child left for college they decided to split up. It was a shock to everyone. There was no big fight or cheating or anything, and they’ve stayed close friends and genuinely care for each other. I guess the romantic love just wasn’t there anymore.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

I worry about the empty nest thing too. My husband and I don't have a lot in common, and while we are both vested in our kids and family, I worry about when we are true empty nesters (happening in about 1 year).

 

[Elizabeth35]

I know many people did not think my DH and I would make it. His third marriage, my 2nd and we had 6 kids ages 13-24 when we married. Some of his friends may have thought I was a gold digger as we had a disparity in net worth.
From a statistical standpoint--they would have been right. 3rd marriages have a 90% failure rate.

But I continued working full-time to provide health insurance for all of us and commuted an hour each way so his kids didn't have to change schools and leave their friends. DH took on my kids and paid for their college (their dad checked out).
It all worked out.
Friends came to realize that we are a great team and some have admitted that they thought we were nuts and had no chance of making it.

 

[nala]

I more surprised by couples who don’t end their relationship when they clearly should than by couples who do end them , lol. Am I cynical or just realistic? I think society puts so much pressure on individuals to get married or stay married that so many do so for the wrong reasons. So to answer your question—nope, not surprised anymore.

 

[voce]

I worry about the empty nest thing too. My husband and I don't have a lot in common, and while we are both vested in our kids and family, I worry about when we are true empty nesters (happening in about 1 year).

I think if you care, you must express it and remind each other that you care. I think one of my parents' lack of empathy, and their different communication styles, led to the rift. Just please don't let miscommunication to be a wedge between you after the nest is empty.

 

[voce]

I more surprised by couples who don’t end their relationship when they clearly should than by couples who do end them , lol. Am I cynical or just realistic? I think society puts so much pressure on individuals to get married or stay married that so many do so for the wrong reasons. So to answer your question—nope, not surprised anymore.

I won't fault them for it, but I think it's possible my parents will stay together in name only. If both were healthy and able-bodied I'd encourage them to get a divorce, but the handicapped parent is the one being grumpy and more likely to become suicidal if alone without the other to serve as a caretaker. It complicates things.

 

[Bron357]

Me.
I divorced my first husband after he finally admitted that he didn’t want children. Throughout marriage he’d “postponed” having kids saying we needed to save some more, buy a house, get more established In our careers etc etc. He thought “Eventually it would be too late and then I’d just get over it”.
So at at 39 I decided to just concentrate on my career and be single. I was done.
I met DH at work. He was in a different dept / floor and had a collection of rocks and minerals on his desk, he was a mining analyst for the investment dept and often went to mines etc. Walking past his desk to a meeting room I saw them and chatted about them. We then socialised together in a large group of co workers, getting lunch together, chatting at work functions.
After a month or so he asked me out.
I told him very bluntly that I had absolutely no interest in dating, I had divorced my husband because he’d lied to me for years about wanting children and I was done with relationships. I then added any guy who insisted on dating me had better want to get married because after the third date I’d consider us engaged and I wanted an Argyle pink diamond and because of my age we would be trying straight away for a baby.
So there, I thought, that will send him running for the hills!
So we were engaged, I became pregnant and we married.
Twenty years ago now.

 

[nala]

I worry about the empty nest thing too. My husband and I don't have a lot in common, and while we are both vested in our kids and family, I worry about when we are true empty nesters (happening in about 1 year).

Maybe it’s a misconception that commonalities are a necessity for a good marriage. Good conversation. A sense of humor. A willingness to explore new interests together even if they don’t result in long-term commonalities—focus on those . Or capitalize on your differences and explore those. Good luck!

 

[goldnsilver]

after the third date I’d consider us engaged and I wanted an Argyle pink diamond

Haha amazing! If I were the guy I'd have been won over on the spot (I wish I knew more ladies who'd want to talk about Argyle pink diamonds). Would you care to share what he thought of Argyles?

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I always thought my parents would take care of each other. Lately it's been a cold war, as their poor communication has led to entrenched attitudes on both sides. Once they had an empty nest, they just no longer had the same interests, and are headed towards splitsville.

Im so sorry Voice
Perhaps with patience they can work through it and come out freinds regardless of the outcome
i hope they never put you in a position to have to take sides

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Gary and i have never married
We have both wanted to but never at the same time !
Now i think if it aint broke don't fix it !

He remembers each year its been another year (21 now ?)
3 times longer than his marrage

 

[Jambalaya]

I have friends who got divorced and it was a HUGE shock. I knew them all along their relationship and they were so happy together at every stage. But 15 years into their relationship, he had a midlife crisis and went funny. His side of the story is that she "had been pushing me away for years" because she wasn't interested in sex (I have no idea how objectively true this is), and that she "let herself go," put on weight, never wore makeup, etc. He had an affair, she found out, they struggled for a year and then he left.

Hearing her side, he just changed COMPLETELY and became absolutely horrible to her. Became obsessed with the gym, working out, spending lots of money on the side, and got a HUGE tattoo on his back. It was an utter sh$tshow. I have no idea if the marriage precipitated the crisis because he was finding it to be so unsatisfactory, or if the crisis came first. My friend never talked about what really went down in their marriage intimacy-wise, and of course, I would never ask.

I never, in a million years, would have thought that this formerly happy and contented couple, who always laughed together, could ever end up like that. So sad. And I remember their wedding day well. It was a wonderful, happy day. I never worried about her; he seemed to make her happy and he treated her well, until the aforementioned sh&tshow.

What's even sadder is that he was diagnosed with terminal cancer about a year ago, so they would never have grown old together, anyway.

It's a pity that he couldn't communicate better about what he wanted, instead of turning on her. It's true that her personal hygiene wasn't the best, and that her own mother had to nag her to get a haircut once a year, etc. She wasn't very kempt, but that's no excuse for his behavior. He had the option of communicating his needs to her, and then divorcing with fairness and dignity if things didn't improve and if he felt he could not live without getting those needs met.

Interestingly, the issue with her hygiene and personal grooming was there before they even got engaged. At her sister's wedding, he got drunk and told her that he might propose to her "if you made more of an effort." We were both puzzled about that remark for years. But their chemistry and her wonderful personality obviously outweighed the negative, they got married and seemed very happy for years, and they had two children. The whole break-up was very sad and painful to watch, and I will always feel wistful for their former marriage, because they were the last couple I thought would break up.

ETA: Oh - there's my cousin, whose husband hits her. I've posted about this before, but not for a long time. She would tell me how she was going to divorce him, etc. Well, she has no intention of doing so. Not only has she stayed, but she gave up a well-paid job in finance to work as a classroom assistant earning a pittance, so now she's more trapped than ever. That this couple are still together and the once-happy-for-years couple described above are not just blows my mind.

I do not think that you can tell, AT ALL, who will make it and who won't. There are just too many variables across the two people, and too many hidden issues. It is so true that you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

 

[voce]

Im so sorry Voice
Perhaps with patience they can work through it and come out freinds regardless of the outcome
i hope they never put you in a position to have to take sides

Right now I'm trying to mediate, but neither side is open to change, so I don't have reason for optimism. I'm usually a silver linings kind of person, and at the moment they are teaching me exactly the kind of marriage I don't want to have.

 

[Elizabeth35]

I have friends who got divorced and it was a HUGE shock. I knew them all along their relationship and they were so happy together at every stage. But 15 years into their relationship, he had a midlife crisis and went funny. His side of the story is that she "had been pushing me away for years" because she wasn't interested in sex (I have no idea how objectively true this is), and that she "let herself go," put on weight, never wore makeup, etc. He had an affair, she found out, they struggled for a year and then he left.

Hearing her side, he just changed COMPLETELY and became absolutely horrible to her. Became obsessed with the gym, working out, spending lots of money on the side, and got a HUGE tattoo on his back. It was an utter sh$tshow. I have no idea if the marriage precipitated the crisis because he was finding it to be so unsatisfactory, or if the crisis came first. My friend never talked about what really went down in their marriage intimacy-wise, and of course, I would never ask.

I never, in a million years, would have thought that this formerly happy and contented couple, who always laughed together, could ever end up like that. So sad. And I remember their wedding day well. It was a wonderful, happy day. I never worried about her; he seemed to make her happy and he treated her well, until the aforementioned sh&tshow.

What's even sadder is that he was diagnosed with terminal cancer about a year ago, so they would never have grown old together, anyway.

It's a pity that he couldn't communicate better about what he wanted, instead of turning on her. It's true that her personal hygiene wasn't the best, and that her own mother had to nag her to get a haircut once a year, etc. She wasn't very kempt, but that's no excuse for his behavior. He had the option of communicating his needs to her, and then divorcing with fairness and dignity if things didn't improve and if he felt he could not live without getting those needs met.

Interestingly, the issue with her hygiene and personal grooming was there before they even got engaged. At her sister's wedding, he got drunk and told her that he might propose to her "if you made more of an effort." We were both puzzled about that remark for years. But their chemistry and her wonderful personality obviously outweighed the negative, they got married and seemed very happy for quite some years. The whole break-up was very sad and painful to watch, and I will always feel wistful for their former marriage.

.
Midlife crisis is a real thing-more often men than women. It happens when people are not well-adjusted.
They are unhappy and blame it on the spouse. They come up with really silly excuses but it is mostly projection.
My first marriage ended this way. And I was in no way unkempt. I was a good mom and wife. I managed everything at home and he literally had only to go to work. I did all the housework, cooking, mowed the lawn, shoveled the drive. He came home to a clean house, home cooked meal and his clothes hanging ironed in the closet. I also worked part-time and handled all the kids schooling and homework and handled the bills and things like health insurance.
Yet--I was the villain. He had issues and was miserable with himself. It was not me.
Actually I think his anger at me was because I was happy and I handled everything and it made him feel like a failure.

When we divorced so many people were shocked because they saw us as happy and a wonderful family.

 

[Ionysis]

Me and my husband. We’ve been married 12 years now. We got engaged after 3 months and married after 6. None of our friends thought we would make it a year.

We did have a pretty volatile marriage for a decade and finally separated for almost 9 months. I eventually allowed him to move back in, for reasons which were at the time very largely motivated by the interests of our children. And after he signed a post nup.

Extremely oddly, we have never got on better since then. We engage with each other very differently than ever before and we now have a surprisingly level and affectionate relationship. Overall we both seem way more content and relaxed than we ever were before our separation. But perhaps it’s because I now know I’d be totally fine on my own, and he knows he didn’t enjoy being on his own at ALL - and frankly I think it scared the crap out of him!

I think it also helps to know that if I decide I want a fresh start after the kids leave home, or if I’m truly unhappy, I know I will be legally and practically set up to move on with minimum hassle and no financial stress and his basic needs will also be provided for. While I suppose it’s very “unromantic” to contemplate the end of your marriage either before or during it, having fully agreed the exact arrangements in a separation makes for a very solid foundation and no anxiety or insecurity about the usual “what ifs” of divorce. And we both know we are with each other because we WANT to be rather than because we have to be for financial reasons or are afraid of an uncertain future.

And most importantly I know my jewellery collection is safe!!

Relationship dynamics are very strange and really you never know someone 100% or what life may throw at you. Best you can do is develop the ability to be resilient and roll with the punches.

 

[missy]

Our marriage. Greg and I.

I never wanted to get married. All my friends and family knew this and never thought I would either. I was too independent and loving my freedom. I loved dating and enjoyed, for the most part, monogamous long term relationships. But I never wanted to marry. From when I was a little girl I knew this. My sister was the opposite and always wanted to get married and have kids but I was quite certain I never wanted any of that.

I told Greg on our 2nd date when he asked specifically how I felt about marriage. I told him point blank no. I was never getting married. Or having children. He told me he was ambivalent about having kids but he wanted to get married at some point. My answer didn't phase him though for some reason and we continued dating.

Fast forward to year 1 plus in our dating relationship and Greg brought up marriage at a special Valentine's day dinner at the River Cafe. I almost passed out and excused myself to go to the restroom. I returned much later and neither of us said a word. LOLOL.

Anyway another few years passed with me being very happy in our relationship and one day Greg surprised me with a ring and a very romantic proposal. Turns out he had been carrying the ring around for months and months and just waiting for the right day and place. For a snowy day in the park. Our very first date was in the park with the feel of snow about to happen.

I was taken by complete surprise (I almost passed out again), and hesitated for a long pause before saying yes. I realized Greg would not go on like this just dating. He had told me many times how he needed the relationship to keep moving forward. And in hindsight it was the only way for him to propose. As a complete surprise. Because I was too much in my head and I *thought* I never wanted to get married. Turns out I was completely wrong.

Hands down it was the best decision I ever made. Under extremely stressful circumstances and I almost said no...

We got married five years from the date of our very first date in Central Park on a cold snowy romantic day.

So that is why my answer is us. No one thought I would ever get married including my closest friends and family. In fact I had a serious boyfriend before Greg say to me that unless a man brought me to the altar screaming and kicking I would never get married. He knew me well. And in my heart truly I never thought I wanted to. But fate had other plans for me and I won't say we are a happy ending because hopefully we are just in the middle of our life and have a long happy way left to go.

 

[Bron357]

Haha amazing! If I were the guy I'd have been won over on the spot (I wish I knew more ladies who'd want to talk about Argyle pink diamonds). Would you care to share what he thought of Argyles?

We actually looked at Arygle pinks. I considered a .48 carat 3P SI fancy intense pink but at around $50,000 Aust I thought it too small and too expensive ! A ring set with a halo 0.07 each 5P was around $58,000 if I recall.
My mistake, that diamond would be worth closer to $200,000 these days.
Instead I got an original Art Deco ring with a EC of 4.45 carats and two side EC of .40 each.

 

[AllAboardTheBlingTrain]

I agree with others that you don’t always know what the Dynamics of someone‘s relationships might be. I have these two friends who are so close to me they might as well as be family. They were together for close to a decade and then broke up and EVERYONE was shocked. Together through high school and college and some time after as well. I was the only one who saw it coming, because I was so close to them I could see the inner workings of that relationship. I predicted somewhere around year 2 or 3 that this would end. But for other close friends as well it was a shock because no one else knew that they disagreed on fundamentals of what their life together would look like, for example. People just see what is on the outside, very rarely do they know what’s really going on. That’s why when they see people get engaged or married so soon they think it’s going to crash and burn, and sometimes it does, but at other times it doesn’t and no one on the outside can truly predict why.

for example, I have a cousin who married an older, divorced man of a different nationality; less than a year after meeting him (she was engaged in three months) and moved to a different country where neither of them had any friends. Everyone expected that one to crash and burn, but they’ve been together now for several years, extremely happy, with two children.

I also think once a relationship crosses a certain number of years without any (outward) drama you expect that it will work out and it shocks you when it doesn’t. Another couple from my high school days stayed together long distance after high school was over (and going to school on different continents, not just cities or countries!) They had a great relationship (I went to college with one half of the couple) despite being long distance and were forever travelling to see each other somehow. They moved in together after college and broke up in a couple months. Eight years of dating.

 

[Queenie60]

My opinion - marriage has many ups and downs. You must be willing to ride the waves, children, illness, family issues, financial issues.... on and on.... After 32+ years of marriage and 36 years together, riding the waves is so worth it. Each of us have our own interests however, we always come together to enjoy the stories of what the other dealt with on a given day. We enjoy meals together, traveling together or just hanging around the house with our fur babies! Being empty nesters is such a joy! We laugh a lot and bicker a lot! Recently, Bob is going through two major health issues and I will stand by him the entire ride. I'll be his caretaker through each episode, his advocate and most of all, his friend. It's a journey and both parties need to keep an open mind. Doing small things for the other is so important - always there to help and make things a bit easier. Life is so much better with him in my world.

 

[kgizo]

Instead I got an original Art Deco ring with a EC of 4.45 carats and two side EC of .40 each.

Is there a thread on this ring?

 

[Ally T]

My older sister was engaged after 3 months. Their salaries were very disproportionate, she being the high achiever & he on a basic wage. My father quietly worried he was a gold digger, but gave his permission for the marriage proposal as he could see how happy my sister was after dating a lot of rats over the years. They have now been married for 27 years, have 3 beautiful daughters & she gave up her career on the birth of their eldest. Her husband stepped up, studied long into the night as well as being a great hands on dad & went on to become a University Lecturer with a great salary to support his family. He now works freelance & has doubled his income, even though my sister is now back at work & their youngest is almost 16.

And also for me. I had a very dodgy dating history & had turned down 2 proposals, as I definitely wasn't ever getting married. I started a new job & 2 weeks later, in walked Mr T. He had been on holiday when I began my job. He had recently relocated after breaking up with his girlfriend of 9 years, it was messy, she was emotionally needy & in denial & he felt like he really needed space so had asked for a transfer. She used to call him 10 times a day. One afternoon he stopped by my desk & we got chatting. We clicked immediately, but neither of us were looking for romance. A couple of weeks later he gave in & called to ask me for a drink. At the end of the night he kissed me on the cheek (I had NEVER met a man before that didn't go straight for the mouth) & put me in a taxi. I called my mother on the way home to tell her I'd met the man i was going to marry.

Three weeks later I moved into his little rented house & three months on from our first date we bought our home. Seven months from the first date he proposed & 17 months from the first date, we married. It will be our 14th wedding anniversary in Sept, we have 2 beautiful daughters & we are truly very happy together. We laugh constantly & I cannot imagine growing old with anybody else.

My brother was a right player in his youth & had yet another one night stand when he was 21. He was just back home from Uni & she was 2 years younger & still studying, but she moved into my parents home with him after a month. On the 10 year anniversary of their first 'date' () they got married & they also celebrated 14 years of marriage this year & 24 years together.

If I'd had to place a bet at the time, I'd say all 3 of us would have divorced well before now!

My youngest sister was the opposite. She married after a solid 6 years of dating a lovely dependable man. Seven years & 2 children on, they are always at each others throats. She phones constantly to download & complain & often arrives in my garden for a glass of wine in tears. Their relationship feels very toxic & I think if they were financially able to they would divorce, but they are quite poor. I hope things come good for them, but I wouldn't be shocked to hear news of a divorce.

 

[Elizabeth35]

One thing strikes me.
Many people are happily married after dating a short time. I think that is partially knowing yourself and jumping in with both feet if you feel it is worth it.

Yet some who date many, many years end up divorced or breaking up.

It makes me wonder---is it not better to get married sooner rather than later?
DH and I decided within months that we would marry and I don't think that is unusual.
Maybe because we were older, but why date 8-10 years before getting married?

I also don't entirely understand people who can't get married until they are entirely settled. As in they need to finish education, establish a career, buy a house, etc.
Just get married and do it together-lol.
If DH had waited until kids were all educated and launched---we would have missed out on 10 happy years of marriage. Perfection was never the goal!

 

[Cerulean]

I never thought I’d marry. I was the child of a mother thrice divorced, my parents (her first marriage) fought viciously my entire childhood. I was repelled by the idea.

Met a rock solid, warm and wonderful man and even tried to scare him off with the “do you want kids, or what?” talk one month into dating. Only a year in to our marriage! so we shall see! So far so good - he’s the love of my life!

I’ve known multiple couples split over disagreements about wanting children, hence my interrogation early on in dating. It’s devastating when that’s the reason. One after 7 years, and it was too late for the woman to have kids afterwards.

Another couple, my husband and I are extremely close to. The women in the partnership was a high earner, career driven, he was not. The four of us regularly discussed having kids and raising them together for the 5 years they were married. Their plan was that he’d be a stay at home dad.

They were madly in love, had their issues for sure…but their split and shocked everyone. It was because he admitted he never wanted kids. We all felt deeply betrayed, obviously his partner most of all.

Turns out, he came out as a trans woman months later. It’s been a bumpy ride for them both since the split, but they had fundamental differences about the kind of life they wanted to lead. We’ve remained supportive of them both and I’m excited to be there for my new lady friend!

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

I still can't get over the people who have stayed married after I have learned how awful their relationships are. My neighbor remains married to what I believe is the most awful man. He arranged for someone to put their family dog down when they were all on vacation because he didn't like the dog. And she stayed with him! Their kids never visit even though they live minutes away. Terrible.

 

[icy_jade]

Maybe because we were older, but why date 8-10 years before getting married?

I also don't entirely understand people who can't get married until they are entirely settled. As in they need to finish education, establish a career, buy a house, etc.
Just get married and do it together-lol.

Because marriage isn’t always priority. To me at least it just seems like a certificate. Plus bad experience with my parents’ marriage and how my mum behaved at my sister’s wedding (money related) turned me off having a wedding.

I dated my husband for 12 years before getting married. So this year is our 10th year of marriage but we’ve been together for over half our lives. We did grow together, just not all while married and I don’t think it made a difference with/without that marriage cert.

 

[missy]

but why date 8-10 years before getting married?

Every couple is different.

My parents got engaged 3 months after dating. My mom was only 19/20 at the time. Greg and I didn't get engaged until 4 years after dating (and then we had a long engagement as per my request of 1 year) because I didn't want to (or think I wanted to) get married. So that was the only reason for the long courtship if you will.

And I wouldn't change a thing as it worked for us as getting engaged after 3 months worked for my parents who are still happily married 57.5 years later.

There simply (or not so simply) is no one size fits all or one right way when it comes to dating or marriage or relationships in general.

 

[missy]

I still can't get over the people who have stayed married after I have learned how awful their relationships are. My neighbor remains married to what I believe is the most awful man. He arranged for someone to put their family dog down when they were all on vacation because he didn't like the dog. And she stayed with him! Their kids never visit even though they live minutes away. Terrible.

Wow, I feel that says a lot about her too and not just her husband. Anyone who is OK with killing their furry (and healthy) family member is a monster IMO. And the fact that she stayed with him speaks volumes. I am not going to surmise as we don't know unless we have walked in someone else's shoes but killing a family pet for that reason? Monstrous. Heinous. Evil.