Confused...

[CJ2008]

I have a cousin who is a very nice looking girl. The kind of girl that every guy drools over - good looks, good heart, friendly, and outgoing. She is the center of attention pretty much anywhere she goes - and since I''ve known her, I''ve known of countless #s of married men (or men with girlfriends) who tried to be in a relationship with her or at some point expressed they had feelings for her.

I''ve had it cross my mind that maybe she invites this kind of attention or somehow makes these men fall for her - yet I know how silly that sounds - it''s not her fault if that''s what ends up happening. And as far as I know she''s never pursued anything with any of these men.

Lately though this whole "issue" has been bothering me. I have been hyper-sensitive to lots of things and have suddenly started to worry that she will flirt with DH. There has been nothing different between them, DH and I are fine, and I don''t know why all of the sudden I am zooming in on this. It''s like I''m "waiting" for it to happen. Isn''t this strange?

I know she loves me and has never done anything that made me think twice with DH(except maybe being a little too careless when she stays over and getting dressed w/a partially open door - but I really think it''s laziness more than anything thinking "nobody''s coming, I can quickly slip out of this.")

I know many of you will probably say that the issue isn''t her flirting with my DH - that if I was secure in our relationship, I wouldn''t worry about it. And i don''t have an answer...except that it almost seemed like a switch went on. It''s like a snowball effect and I''m afraid if I don''t figure out what''s going on I won''t be able to "return" from it.

This is how I''m feeling

I''m hoping you all can give me some insights (no idea who to talk about this! Feel like I''m going a little nuts...)

 

[Hera]

Yeah, you're right, the answer is to be secure in your relationship. Unfortunately, it's hard to be strong like that 100% of the time. The thing is that she probably will end up doing that, but it will be hard to tell if it's intentional or not. If you buy into these thoughts too long, though, you will see what you want(or don't want) to see.

I have an example. I was doing homework one time and my hubby went to visit a neighbor who was having a party (I used to live on the beach so I knew there would be a lot of women there). Anyways, I started getting these thoughts that women were probably coming onto him. I started getting nervous that there was something going on so I thought I would stop by. When I showed up, all I saw was that he was sitting next to a woman and she leaned over him closely to get a beer. I almost caused a total scene but I didn't and he told me the story of how he was speaking with a couple and the boyfriend left for a quick second. He proceeded to tell me they were having a conversation about their dog. Eventually, we made up but I was always a little suspicious until three days later when I saw the girl again on the beach, with her boyfriend and her dog. I felt like a jerk and realized I couldn't obsess about things like that.

We have to just have faith that our husbands will not do anything because chances are women will come on to them and we have to believe they will stay true to us.

 

[Porridge]

Ugh, I know the feeling CJ! It may be completely irrational, but we all get it and it's hard to shake.

Here's my view on these thoughts, and these are general views, not really specific to you: ya just gotta realise that if somebody is going to cheat, you monitoring their moves and thinking jealous thoughts is not going to stop them. In fact, it will probably make them more likely to do it. So there is literally no point stressing over it.
Also - do you want him not to cheat because he is afraid of you and sick of you being suspicious? Or do you want him not to cheat because he is happy and fulfilled in the relationship?

Again, these are not statements directed at you personally, just thoughts that I think to reason the little random jealousies away.

I bet if your DH knew what you were thinking, he would laugh at you for being silly

it'll pass, and you'll look back and laugh at it too.

ETA: ya know, in a way, I think she does invite the attention on herself, knowingly or unknowingly. Maybe it's as innocent as her thinking it's totally fine to flirt with married/involved men because they're "safe", ie she won't have to follow through cos they're spoken for. Maybe I'm totally off base and she's as confused about it as you are

 

[Liane]

Date: 1/26/2010 4:30:54 AM
Author: Porridge
ETA: ya know, in a way, I think she does invite the attention on herself, knowingly or unknowingly. Maybe it''s as innocent as her thinking it''s totally fine to flirt with married/involved men because they''re ''safe'', ie she won''t have to follow through cos they''re spoken for. Maybe I''m totally off base and she''s as confused about it as you are

I don''t think that''s fair. There''s nothing in the OP to give that impression -- to the contrary, the girl''s described as a total sweetheart. Sometimes a pretty face and a friendly smile are all it takes to get guys imagining things that aren''t there. It''s not right to impute malign motives to her just because of how she looks.

However, I agree with everything else you''ve said. It''s very sensible advice and, IMO, exactly right.

 

[ANGEL WANTS A HALO]

I''m sure you''re really close to her and especially to your hubby. So you just have to trust in your heart that they will never do that to you because they love you and don''t want to hurt you.

 

[LilyKat]

I am strongly of the opinion that people (men and women) in happy relationships do not cheat. It's not about "the other woman" tempting someone away - it's about someone in an unhappy relationship, without the character to honour their marriage vows, choosing to cheat.

It's natural to feel the way you do occasionally - we all have insecurities and fears about losing what we love. But if you have no grounds for feeling your DH is interested in this girl, let it go. Dwelling on it will only make you jumpy and anxious. And in my experience, men find jealousy very off-putting in a woman (total double-standards).

Take a deep breath, remind yourself of that he loves YOU, and of all the reasons YOU are an awesome catch. Keep on working to make your relationship as good as it can be, and don't let this come between your relationship with either your DH or your cousin.

 

[whitby_2773]

hi CJ

i think the first question is - has she ever flirted with your husband? if she hasn''t, i think you owe her a mental apology. being suspicious of someone who has never given you cause to do so is pretty rough for them. you said she''s always loved you; i''d encourage you to be careful before attaching suspicions to someone who has always treated you with affection.

what are your ages, just by the way? i could be wrong, but i''m sensing she''s younger than both you and your husband. if so, there''s every chance she''s only interested in guys of her age and would find the obsession of older men rather revolting.

second question - has your husband ever flirted with her? with anyone? if he hasn''t, he''d probably be as offended by your suspicions as you would be if he suddenly accused you of harboring flirtatious desires for his best friend. sooner or later we just have to choose either to trust or not trust. if you''ve never seen anything to the contrary with your cousin and your husband, i''d encourage you to trust them and put your suspicions aside.

i hope you can put these concerns behind you; in your entire post you dont give a single example of your cousin flirting inappropriately with anyone *ever*. if that''s the case, she''s done nothing to deserve your distrust and if this is a relationship you value, i''d suggest you proceed carefully; no one likes being blamed unfairly, and you could lose a friendship you treasure.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 1/26/2010 4:49:53 AM
Author: Liane

Date: 1/26/2010 4:30:54 AM

Author: Porridge

ETA: ya know, in a way, I think she does invite the attention on herself, knowingly or unknowingly. Maybe it's as innocent as her thinking it's totally fine to flirt with married/involved men because they're 'safe', ie she won't have to follow through cos they're spoken for. Maybe I'm totally off base and she's as confused about it as you are

I don't think that's fair. There's nothing in the OP to give that impression -- to the contrary, the girl's described as a total sweetheart. Sometimes a pretty face and a friendly smile are all it takes to get guys imagining things that aren't there. It's not right to impute malign motives to her just because of how she looks.


However, I agree with everything else you've said. It's very sensible advice and, IMO, exactly right.

That's why I said this:

Maybe I'm totally off base and she's as confused about it as you are

and also why I said it could be "unknowingly" and "innocent". I never said anything to imply that her motives were malign. Rather that it's possible that she may be inadvertently behaving in a way that could attract all this attention. Again, knowingly or unknowingly. Neither am I saying that the behaviour is anything other than innocent in intention. Like leaving the door ajar when she's undressing - out of laziness or just not thinking, not out of a wish to seduce. Also, I never mentioned her looks. I don't know what she looks like!

But you're probably right, it probably is the case that guys see a real sweetheart of a girl and fall for her! We just don't know do we?

 

[purrfectpear]

If you are beautiful, men come on to you all the time, married, unmarried, engaged, you name it. You don''t have to do a darn thing to "encourage" it. It''s just a fact. Thankfully time and gravity have made that a non-issue for me, but it made for a tedious 20 years or so.

 

[Porridge]

True. I guess the only way she could avoid it would be to avoid men altogether!

Poor gal. I''d be so cynical if married men were constantly propositioning me. (well...even more cynical than I am already!)

 

[meresal]

Ditto , the "Happy marriage = Happy thoughts"

Not to get all phycho-analytical on you, because I hate when people to that, BUT (

) I would be looking at WHY you are feeling this way, and it might be coming from "vibes" that you are getting from your husband and NOT your sweet cousin.

 

[Steel]

Are you changing your relationship at the moment? Marriage, new home or kids?

 

[upgrade]

Date: 1/26/2010 5:31:23 AM
Author: whitby_2773
hi CJ

i think the first question is - has she ever flirted with your husband? if she hasn't, i think you owe her a mental apology. being suspicious of someone who has never given you cause to do so is pretty rough for them. you said she's always loved you; i'd encourage you to be careful before attaching suspicions to someone who has always treated you with affection.

what are your ages, just by the way? i could be wrong, but i'm sensing she's younger than both you and your husband. if so, there's every chance she's only interested in guys of her age and would find the obsession of older men rather revolting.

second question - has your husband ever flirted with her? with anyone? if he hasn't, he'd probably be as offended by your suspicions as you would be if he suddenly accused you of harboring flirtatious desires for his best friend. sooner or later we just have to choose either to trust or not trust. if you've never seen anything to the contrary with your cousin and your husband, i'd encourage you to trust them and put your suspicions aside.

i hope you can put these concerns behind you; in your entire post you dont give a single example of your cousin flirting inappropriately with anyone *ever*. if that's the case, she's done nothing to deserve your distrust and if this is a relationship you value, i'd suggest you proceed carefully; no one likes being blamed unfairly, and you could lose a friendship you treasure.

Agreed. I understand feeling jealous and insecure at times but in my personal experience, when I'm feeling that way the best thing I can do is be honest with my dh about my insecurites and let him reassure me. I agree with Whitby that trust is a choice. If these important people in your life have never given you reason not to trust them then you maybe ought to look inward to figure out where this is coming from? If I can approach my husband and say "I'm feeling jealous of __________" or "I'm feeling a bit insecure right now and could use some reassurance," I get the reassurance I was needing while showing him that I trust him and I think it brings us closer. If you approach him in this way and don't get any reassurance then maybe that's something to worry about, but I say give him the opportunity to help you.

Women like your cousin- beautiful, friendly, outgoing- are often discriminated against by other women because of jealousy. Your cousin is likely not doing anything malicious. She just is who she is and she shouldn't be punished for the fact that she was born looking this way. It may be that she attracts attention from married men because they aren't as intimidated by her as a single man looking for more than a fling may be... A married/otherwise involved man looking for a fling may have more confidence in approaching her as he really has nothing to lose- he already has a partner and isn't looking for a 'relationship' so if she rejects him, he has his relationship to fall back on. A single guy is going to be far more obvious in his intentions and therefore more vulnerable to rejection.

It may also be that if you are feeling a bit jealous of her, you're noticing any attention she gets more than you normally would because you're hyper aware of it?

Wahtever the case may be, I hope you can get past this and feel secure in your marraige and enjoy your relationship with your cousin.

 

[monarch64]

There are certain types of people that others just naturally gravitate toward. Appearance is nice, charm/wit/talent are lovely, but certain folks have a very charismatic way about them and a confident air that makes others want to spend time in their presence. It''s not about inviting the attention.

 

[HollyS]

So you have a good looking cousin/girlfriend/coworker/ect. Big deal. So she gets a lot of attention. Both women and men enjoy harmless flirting. And have no intention of doing anything out of bounds.

Why, unless she has a skank reputation, would you assume the worst about her? Why would you wonder whether she manipulates men into wanting her? She either does or she doesn''t. You already know the answer. Either she''s someone who WILL flirt with your hubby or not. Ignore it unless he doesn''t. If she''s one of those, she''ll be unhappier if she gets no attention, than if she can get you riled.

Or she isn''t a threat at all. In which case, why the angst?

 

[Dancing Fire]

CJ...any pictures of your cousin?

 

[oobiecoo]

Date: 1/26/2010 2:41:59 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
CJ...any pictures of your cousin?

Not appropriate...

 

[lulu]

CJ...any pictures of your cousin?

it is always harder to find a "mind clean" stone than a eye clean stone


Yes, and sometimes it''s even harder to find a clean mind.

 

[MissMina]

My SIL is a very beautiful woman.
When she walks in a room all eyes are on her
and men flock to her
Though she gives them no encouragement.
I once asked her how it felt
She said
"I wash this face"
"I put make up on it"
"I see it when I look in the mirror"
"But this face is not me"
"I am so much more"
And she is..........

 

[joflier]

Date: 1/26/2010 3:06:36 PM
Author: MissMina
My SIL is a very beautiful woman.
When she walks in a room all eyes are on her
and men flock to her
Though she gives them no encouragement.
I once asked her how it felt
She said
''I wash this face''
''I put make up on it''
''I see it when I look in the mirror''
''But this face is not me''
''I am so much more''
And she is..........

And I would say it''s that, that makes her so desirable - more than just her physical beauty. People can sense when a person is ''so much more'' and are confident about it. Men and women alike are drawn to that.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 1/26/2010 3:16:55 PM
Author: joflier

Date: 1/26/2010 3:06:36 PM
Author: MissMina
My SIL is a very beautiful woman.
When she walks in a room all eyes are on her
and men flock to her
Though she gives them no encouragement.
I once asked her how it felt
She said
''I wash this face''
''I put make up on it''
''I see it when I look in the mirror''
''But this face is not me''
''I am so much more''
And she is..........

And I would say it''s that, that makes her so desirable - more than just her physical beauty. People can sense when a person is ''so much more'' and are confident about it. Men and women alike are drawn to that.

Ditto all of this. It''s typically the people who seem least aware of themselves and pay attention to how others are feeling and are interested in their thoughts and contributions to the conversations that others are smitten with. My instinct is that the cousin in this case doesn''t make people feel like she has her own agenda, is a great listener, carries herself with poise and confidence, and probably isn''t sitting in a corner worrying about what anyone else thinks of her.

 

[janinegirly]

Hmm I guess I have a slightly different take on this post than others. I think the OP is having natural feelings of envy/jealousy, which is something we all have felt at one time or another--it's not something that always means you are abnormally insecure, have issues, not trustworthy of DH,etc. She didn't say she had fears of him cheating, but fears that the cousin will flirt. Basically she is dealing with the fear that her DH will unwittingly pay attention to her cousin, which apparently all men do! I can understand that.

And I'm not so sure leaving a door open while changing is alll innocent..come on, most everyone remembers to close the door. She could just be free spirited, but again, this would kind make me uncomfortable too. Men are men and their minds will wander, so it would be helpfu if super attractive women didn't open that door, no pun intended!

My advice would be to not feel ashamed of these feelings--jealousy when not all consuming is a natural, human reaction. Just keep things based in reality--ie DH is with you for a reason,etc etc. And you could always talk about it to him light heartedly too--he may say "huh? never even noticed her!" I hope this doesn't come off silly, but I get annoyed when Dh seems to be gawking at attractive celebs (or in my head this is what he's doing). So I'lll say something and he'll make the "huh? she's gross" response which I know he's totally lying about, but appreciate it anyway!

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/26/2010 3:54:49 PM
Author: janinegirly
Hmm I guess I have a slightly different take on this post than others. I think the OP is having natural feelings of envy/jealousy, which is something we all have felt at one time or another--it''s not something that always means you are abnormally insecure, have issues, not trustworthy of DH,etc. She didn''t say she had fears of him cheating, but fears that the cousin will flirt. Basically she is dealing with the fear that her DH will unwittingly pay attention to her cousin, which apparently all men do! I can understand that.

And I''m not so sure leaving a door open while changing is alll innocent..come on, most everyone remembers to close the door. She could just be free spirited, but again, this would kind make me uncomfortable too. Men are men and their minds will wander, so it would be helpfu if super attractive women didn''t open that door, no pun intended!

My advice would be to not feel ashamed of these feelings--jealousy when not all consuming is a natural, human reaction. Just keep things based in reality--ie DH is with you for a reason,etc etc. And you could always talk about it to him light heartedly too--he may say ''huh? never even noticed her!'' I hope this doesn''t come off silly, but I get annoyed when Dh seems to be gawking at attractive celebs (or in my head this is what he''s doing). So I''lll say something and he''ll make the ''huh? she''s gross'' response which I know he''s totally lying about, but appreciate it anyway!

I''m sorry, but this is just ridiculous. For the record, she said "partially opened door". For all we know, the husband might not have even been around. They are family. Maybe the cousin thinks that she doesn''t have to worry about her own family being worried that she''s trying to swoop in on her husband.

So all attractive women, or those with slammin'' bodies, should be sure to shut every door and every blind in case someone''s husband/SO/bf could be walking by? Ya, ok.

This cousin has done absolutely nothing to make OP think that she is interested in her husband, or any of those other men, for that matter. OP said herself that she feels like she is just waiting for "it" to happen...

 

[RockHugger]

If you get a feeling out of nowhere like that, sometimes there is a reason. But that is just my opinion. Talk to your hubby about it. Communication is key.

I told my husband he can go out and find another woman anytime, but I wont be here when he comes home if he does. So far he hasnt wanted to!

 

[Steel]

Date: 1/26/2010 2:57:43 PM
Author: oobiecoo

Date: 1/26/2010 2:41:59 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
CJ...any pictures of your cousin?

Not appropriate...

No, not appropriate.

But it is a little bit funny.

 

[partgypsy]

I don''t know how to say it, but there are some women who are like catnip to guys, attractive, relaxed and comfortable in their own skin, and they are aware of their effect on men consciously or unconsciously and have no problem with it. It''s almost if they can''t help it. All I''m trying to say is your feelings may have some kind of base, in that she may be comfortable being familiar with men even married or relations than you find comfortable. I''m not sure what the solution is though. Find her a boyfriend!

 

[joflier]

Date: 1/26/2010 5:46:35 PM
Author: Steel

Date: 1/26/2010 2:57:43 PM
Author: oobiecoo

Date: 1/26/2010 2:41:59 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
CJ...any pictures of your cousin?

Not appropriate...

No, not appropriate.

But it is a little bit funny.

And so predictable.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 1/26/2010 3:00:54 PM
Author: lulu
CJ...any pictures of your cousin?

it is always harder to find a ''mind clean'' stone than a eye clean stone


Yes, and sometimes it''s even harder to find a clean mind.

 

[Gailey]

Date: 1/26/2010 6:20:11 PM
Author: joflier

Date: 1/26/2010 5:46:35 PM
Author: Steel

Date: 1/26/2010 2:57:43 PM
Author: oobiecoo

Date: 1/26/2010 2:41:59 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
CJ...any pictures of your cousin?

Not appropriate...

No, not appropriate.

But it is a little bit funny.

And so predictable.

Thankfully!

 

[Sabine]

Do you think talking to your dh about how you''re feeling might help? That way it gets it out there, so he knows how you''re feeling, plus it can help him be sensitive to what you''re going through when she''s around so he doesn''t act in a way that could be "misread."