Confused...

[Tacori E-ring]

I agree with Sabine. Communicate your discomfort with your husband. When someone truly bothers me or a trait they have I try to look at myself. See what role I play in the situation and often times it is really my *own* issue than their issue. Sounds like you have a great relationship with your cousin. I hope you don''t let jealously cloud your view.

 

[Haven]

I agree that you should talk to your DH.

As for the discussion about attractive women, I agree that some women just attract men to them more than other women who may or may not be more beautiful than she is. *However* I also firmly believe that people send out signals to others, and those women who get a lot of attention send out the *it''s totally okay to approach me* signal, just as a lot of other women send out the *not interested don''t waste your time* signal.

Two of my girlfriends are really beautiful. They are both gorgeous, gregarious, outgoing, all of the things that typically attract men to women. One of them gets a lot of "unwanted" attention from men, and the other is left alone, as she likes it. The one who gets all the attention seems like a sweet, innocent victim of beauty. However, if you spend enough time with her you can see that she sends out very subtle signals that tell men it''s okay to approach her.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/26/2010 9:38:17 PM
Author: Haven
I agree that you should talk to your DH.

As for the discussion about attractive women, I agree that some women just attract men to them more than other women who may or may not be more beautiful than she is. *However* I also firmly believe that people send out signals to others, and those women who get a lot of attention send out the *it''s totally okay to approach me* signal, just as a lot of other women send out the *not interested don''t waste your time* signal.

Two of my girlfriends are really beautiful. They are both gorgeous, gregarious, outgoing, all of the things that typically attract men to women. One of them gets a lot of ''unwanted'' attention from men, and the other is left alone, as she likes it. The one who gets all the attention seems like a sweet, innocent victim of beauty. However, if you spend enough time with her you can see that she sends out very subtle signals that tell men it''s okay to approach her.

I totally agree, Haven. I pretty much never get hit on (and didn''t before I was engaged/married, either), and I don''t think it''s because I''m unattractive. I just don''t crave male attention like some women do, so I don''t give out any *approach me* vibes. I''m not sure what gave my husband the idea that I''d be interested in him, but he went for it anyway and it worked!

On the flip side, a friend of mine really needs male attention to feel good about herself. She''s married but still tends to invite male attention, even if it''s just harmless flirting with coworkers. A male acquaintance of hers even asked her to be his date for a wedding and he knew she was married. She sends out the *approach me* vibes in full force and it works-she gets approached.

Your cousin may play innocent but I''m sure she enjoys the attention. As for her and your husband, I''d talk to him and let him know how you''re feeling. If this came out of nowhere it could be your intuition telling you something. Or you could just be feeling insecure in general and this is how the insecurity manifested itself. Either way, definitely talk to your husband.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 1/26/2010 6:01:23 PM
Author: part gypsy
I don't know how to say it, but there are some women who are like catnip to guys, attractive, relaxed and comfortable in their own skin, and they are aware of their effect on men consciously or unconsciously and have no problem with it. It's almost if they can't help it. All I'm trying to say is your feelings may have some kind of base, in that she may be comfortable being familiar with men even married or relations than you find comfortable. I'm not sure what the solution is though. Find her a boyfriend!

Agree with this and also with Haven's comment above. For the record this is the point I was trying to make (Meresal). Of course we are parsing the original post, but my viewpoint was there's a chance the cousin isn't totally clueless of her effect and OP may be sensing that. Does this mean she is terrible or all relatives must seal doors shut when changing, (or that there's anything to worry about here of substance)-- of course not, but it's a valid point to raise as a possibility.

 

[Hera]

It doesn''t matter if she does/doesn''t look for attention, it ultimately depends on what the hubby will do when confronted with it.

 

[CJ2008]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, comments, and questions - I won't respond to everyone individually but hopefully what I answer will answer what all of you have brought up in one way or another.

My fear is that she'll flirt, and that he'll be amused/flattered and flirt back. I am afraid of seeing an attraction.

Although my logical side knows/understands that DH is definitely attracted to other women other than me, I don't want to SEE it, much less with FAMILY that I see OFTEN.

One of you said about the hyper-sensitivity making me notice things that before went unperceived - this is definitely true. The other day DH helped my cousin with something while I was in the bedroom putting away the laundry and when DH was telling me the story and he told me she gave him a "huge hug" I remember that sticking out to me, which wouldn't have before.

Am I going through a transition? Let's just say that I don't feel 100% great or myself right now although I'm working on it. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that yes, things are not 100% OK inside and so I could see how I might be focusing on things that accentuate that.

Girls like my cousin definitely get discriminated against - but my cousin is well liked by everyone - because she really is a nice person. Although I don't flirt, and don't send out any vibes that I'm approachable, I am attractive, but I don't have the charisma factor my cousin does. So even if I tried, I would not garnish the same type of affection - she has had more men fall for her in month than I have in a lifetime. Can I say I was never jealous of that attention? No...would I want it all the time? No...

Do I think she's always completely innocent? I think she IS aware of her effect on men, but that doesn't make her not innocent/malicious. But she does sometimes do things I don't particularly like. I remember getting annoyed with her one time when she told me she had been going out dancing and other things with her friend's boyfriend - it was always platonic (and always because the gf didn't feel like going), but I remember thinking if I was her friend, I would not like it (although her friend seemed perfectly fine with it). And sure enough I came to find out many months later that HE DID end up telling her he wanted more from her. So I remember back then thinking, why would you put yourself in situations where your friend's boyfriend may end up having feelings for you? I don't think she does these things maliciously, but honestly, if I knew that most men end up wanting to be with me, I would be extremely careful of what I do with other people's boyfriends - even though, yes, if they end up approaching her, it is not her "fault" and indicates he must not have been happy, satisfied, or whatever it may be. Her gf and the bf broke up (not over my sister though, I think she moved a few towns over and it was just too far way) and they still keep in touch (and cousin continues to hang out with the bf, still platonic).

The getting undressed thing...I do think it's thinking nobody is going to pass by at that exact moment...but still...I wish she'd close the door. Just like I would feel about ANYBODY getting undressed in my house, even males - keep the door shut, please, thanks.

As far as talking to DH I feel bad I am thinking these things and could see him being *awed* that I would even have these thoughts. Somebody said that men find insecurity off-putting...yes...I think if he thought that about me and his cousin for whatever reason I'd be offended. And it would make me think wow, really? You are *that* insecure? I don't want him thinking that of me.

ALTHOUGH - if when he pointed it out I realized perhaps his cousin was a bit flirty I'd make sure to go tout of my way to be polite but not encourage anything. ETA: can't say my cousin has been "flirty" - I just been hyperfocusing.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 1/26/2010 9:56:06 PM
Author: thing2of2

I totally agree, Haven. I pretty much never get hit on (and didn''t before I was engaged/married, either), and I don''t think it''s because I''m unattractive. I just don''t crave male attention like some women do, so I don''t give out any *approach me* vibes. I''m not sure what gave my husband the idea that I''d be interested in him, but he went for it anyway and it worked!

me neither.

 

[yssie]

Talk to him, tell him exactly what you're afraid of.



Now that the ideas are there, in your head, whether they're irrational or not, whether you're projecting your fears onto him or not, they're there and they're only going to fester if you don't address them. He'll understand - I'm sure he's got a really hot friend that he's worried about in much the same way, at one point or another!

 

[janinegirly]

hi cj2008,

like you said your cousin isn't malcious but is in the camp of ladies who sometimes put themselves in situations unnecessarily. It could be subconscious, and it could be that she is the one who is insecure and craves male attention, who knows. I started a thread a few weeks back about people who flirt with no intention of following thorugh on it--ie it's more for a self esteem boost or reaffirmation of attraction (and this is not about those who are extra attractive, it's more a personality trait). I've seen this with my one SIL and FIL, for example! They are not blood relatives and obviously NO intention of anything but she most certainly flirts and he most certainly apreciates it, but I personally find it bleuch! I also see it in the office between bosses and married people--again I personally would never even go there, it's just how I am..I'm pretty reserved nd I just don't flirt unless there's an intention. There is also that gray area where people might just be naturally charming which is something different from those who might send out the more overt signal, whether or not there is intention to folllow through.

So i guess i can see that your cousin may put herself in unnecessary situations. I can also see how she may just naturally make your DH "feel good" (isn't that what a charming person does?) and I can see how that might make you uneasy (all are normal reactions!). But that in itself is the best reason to talk to him. You don't have to make it a serious discussion or insinuate you were worried he'd do anything, you are simply being honest about how it makes you feel. I don't really get why you'd hold back out of fears it'd be a turn off b/c it shows insecurity--that's usualluy something people worry about in early dating stage (ie showing too much vulnerability), but you're married and should be able to share the good and the bad, the monumental and the petty and then support each other through it. I'm sure it would also make you feel better rather than hyperanalyzing and then feeling awful as your mind makes more out of it than necessary. Good luck!!!

 

[CJ2008]

Thanks, yssie and janinegirly

If I continue to feel this way I will talk to him...

I''m hoping it passes though...

I do think that I am reserved with some things with DH - believe me, he knows all my weaknesses and fears and whatever other crazy thoughts I might have - but sometimes I try to deal with certain things w/o sharing - so I don''t have to point them out yet another crazy thing I''m thinking.

 

[Mara]

"Let's just say that I don't feel 100% great or myself right now although I'm working on it. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that yes, things are not 100% OK inside and so I could see how I might be focusing on things that accentuate that."

_____

IMO based on what you wrote originally and then this, a lot of what you are feeling has to do with this above statement. Your cousin is the same she has always been most likely? So is your husband? But you are different. And it's easier to be affected by things that frighten us when we don't feel like ourselves or might not be ourselves in order to brush it off, etc.

You could talk to your DH, but I would focus on the above and getting back to yourself. You might find that if that once you are in a more positive space for yourself, you realize that this was just a 'symptom' of how you were feeling. Best of luck!