Cold Feet

[mmi]

BF revealed to me last night his hesitations about getting married. He's scared. He thinks that because one buddy had a marriage go wrong that ours might. And I agree that is the risk you take when you marry someone. But it's never stopped me. We've been together a long (read: looong) time and this was a surprise for me to hear this. He's confident he will get over this in time, but I am still feeling down, obviously. Some support would be awesome...

Have you or BF had a bout of cold feet? How did you get past it?

Thanks,

mmi

 

[Amys Bling]

I haven't had this experience but I can only imagine how ypuvare feeling. I think bein open and honest with each other andbduscussing his hesitation will help you both. Maybe he needs to talk to his friend about why they went wrong to see that it's not about you and him. Does he come from divorced parents??

 

[swingirl]

You are only 23-24? You and your BF are so young. But he is not ready and rightfully so because from what I remember you are still in grad school and he is trying to secure a career. Slow down and give your BF a chance to become a man who wants a wife. Only then will he be ready to seriously consider getting married.

 

[MayFlowers]

I think it's important to point out that your BF has NOT said he is having doubts about you, just about marriage at this point in time. I haven't gone back and re-read all your posts, but from what swingirl said, you are both still young and at a point in your lives where lots of things can change. I would advise that you wait until your BF has secured his career. By that I don't mean that he has just been hired somewhere. Give him an adjustment period to make sure that wherever and whatever he is doing is the right place for him. Then you can start to bring up marriage again. I also agree that he should talk to his friend that is divorced. The couple may have had a major disagreement, for example children, that they hadn't discussed before marriage. Any number of things could have happened to these people that may help relieve your BF's cold feet.

 

[mmi]

Thanks for your replies, Ladies. (I've been away from my computer for a while)

What I am most confused about is why he would compare his friend's marriage to our potential one. His was a rash decision based on a pregnancy that pretty much happened immediately after they met. We've pretty much grown up together and haven't had any crazy issues since dating. *shrug* The male psyche.

I just feel like I'm being baited a little. I'm in no way expecting a proposal really soon. In a year would be nice. We have the means to financially despite being students. After getting the job he made statements like "So I gotta go get you a ring now, huh?" and "Now we can get married.. ", but now I think he's panicking a little, and now this comes out. He had never expressed fears like this before. About how he is afraid our relationship will become stale, or that something crazy will happen. He's always been very positive about it. Just wondering if this was normal or if anyone had experienced something similar...

Mmi

 

[yssie]

I was the one with cold feet. Well, they weren't cold, exactly, just very, very nervous the ground in front would turn out to be quicksand...

Being married *is* a huge commitment - mentally, emotionally, legally, often financially, far more so than even living together. Maybe he's not ready for this step and won't be for some time - or maybe he just needs some more time to adjust to this new way of thinking, and for the scales to shift from anxious to excited. It sounds like there have been some changes recently - jobs, school? All that just adds to the stress and sense of unsteadiness... and I know I waffle when both the present and future are unknowns!

I'd say just give him the time - like PPs have noted, he didn't express hesitations about being with you! Being young doesn't preclude being ready to get engaged/married, but it does mean there's no reason not to take it as slow and steady as the - um. slower? - partner needs, so long as you both feel the relationship as it currently is is healthy

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I think it's great that a.) he feels that he can talk with you about his fears without you becoming really emotional about it and b.) that you're being so supportive.

As the other posters have said, this isn't about you even though it FEELS like rejection. I understand, I've definitely been there. In my situation I was supportive for several months, but ultimately did what was best for me (which involved moving thousands of miles away, changing my phone number and sticking to no contact). I hope that his bout with cold feet is short and that you both move past this hurdle quickly!

 

[tammy77]

He actually has valid points for someone that's looking at marriage being a permanent decision...and I think that's a GOOD thing. It's a hard cold fact that a LOT of marriage fail for those reason. That's why it's so important to have honest, heart to heart talks about these things and explore what sets YOUR relationship apart from those that have fallen apart.

Like NEL said, it's a really good sign that he feels comfortable talking to you about it. How will the two of your fend off the pitfalls that make marriages fail? Only the two of you can figure that out, and unless someone brings up the topic, that's going to be even more difficult to do.

Good luck and I hope you two are able to have some productive conversations about it. I know that came up for my DH and I before we moved in together, and again once we were looking at engagement...and yet again after we were married. It just takes on a different form once the decision to stay together forever. It goes from "I'm worried about it getting stale" to "I know we haven't gone out lately b/c we've been so busy...let's get a sitter and go to a play, movie, dinner". Just take it one day at a time and keep it fun!