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church problems...frusterated!!! (long, sorry)

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lala2332

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 15, 2008
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535
We are having the hardest time with the church.

We were originally going to have it at FI''s parent''s church. However, I''ve been there a couple of times and their minister just bugs me. I really don''t like his sermons and his messages just don''t inspire me. FI feels the same way to a lesser extent. We were going to have FI''s minister from when he was younger, the one he really grew up with, marry us instead. He got a promotion within the chuch system, so is still in town and a part of the religion.

The chuch, however, just started a new policy that the minister HAS to be involved in the ceremony, and involved means very involved in all parts...he can''t just be there. There is a associate minister that I don''t mind as much, but FI''d mom is worried that if we ask for her that then there will be hurt feelings b/c it becomes clear that we just don''t want the main minister.

FI and are differnt christain denominations, and I would love to be married in an episcopal church, but I''m not going to really push that issue. FI has attachment to his church and the church I am attached to is in DC, so clearly we aren''t going to do it there.

However, most of the churches near us have policies that you have to be a member for one year. My parents don''t really go to church, so they aren''t members anywhere and FI and I won''t be moving home until August/September, so there is no way that we can be members of a church for a year. And it bothers us both that we wuld be picking our church JUST based on where we can get married, b/c I have tried to explain our situation to a church and he is checking on their policy, but we''ve had to say that we would be joinng as soon as we move.

THe other wrench in the plans is that we want to get married on a Friday, and it seems like most of the chuches won''t let us. We want the most basic ceremony, so I don''t understand why instead of a rehersal they just won''t marry us during the time blocked off for the rehersal.

Who would have thought churches would be part of the wedding industry machine?

PLease dust me that this all works out!!!!

Thanks!
 

Winks_Elf

Brilliant_Rock
Trade
Joined
Nov 28, 2008
Messages
1,674
Have you considered getting married at the venue? That''s what we are doing.

***DUST***

I''m sure it will all work out.
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,511
((HUGS!))

It will work out just fine. The weddings I have been too the ministers keep their message pretty short at weddings. They just like to talk about the bonds of marriage and the scripture readings of YOUR choice. If you feel that strongly, who cares if HIS feelings are hurt. It is your wedding, and most tend to be really understanding about that sort of thing.

Best wishes to you!


ETA: is your doggy a cavalier?
 

Clairitek

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
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4,881
We have also been encountering church issues but I am hoping to have them resolved soon so I feel your pain! I hope one of the other churches in your reception area will make an exception for you to get married there if this priest really bugs you that much.
 

SarahLovesJS

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 2, 2008
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5,206
Tons of dust!! We ran into some church problems as well and eventually decided to do a garden wedding instead. I NEVER thought I''d have an outside wedding..I always pictured my wedding in a church, but hey things change.
 

glueck

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 30, 2007
Messages
361
I dont know if this is an option for you, but we are actually renting a church. Odd, right? But we can use who we want to marry us and do it our way. Perhaps that is an option.

my vote at the end of the day would be to get married at the reception venue.
 

marchswallowbird

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
849
Churches operate as non-profit businesses. Catholic hospitals have a saying..."no margin, no mission," which means that if you can''t make $$, you will go out of business and not be around to care for the community any longer. Same with churches. Even though they are nonprofit, they need to make $$ to do maintenance, normal wear-and-tear upgrades, pay staff (including ministers), etc. That''s why they have all these rules. They are trying to keep their costs to a minimum and make some $$.

BUT...you would THINK that they would be very interested in growing their "flock," especially in a tight economy, and they would make some concessions on the rule that you have to be a member for a year before you can get married there. This makes no sense to me whatsoever. Is this rule negotiable in any way??
 

lala2332

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 15, 2008
Messages
535
yeah, I''m really hoping it works out.

FI really, really wants a church wedding.

We can''t do it at the reception venue, b/c we are having a family only ceremony on a Friday with a dinner afterwards. Saturday we are having a cocktail party at my parent''s home for family and friends. So there isn''t really a "reception." We are trying to get away from the traditional wedding ceremony and then reception...it would be beyond HUGE with all the people that would expect to be invited. This way the "wedding" is family only and no one will care about not being invited to a cocktail party.
 

Elmorton

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 5, 2007
Messages
3,998
Can you think of a way that you can ask the associate minister in a way that is positive or upbeat? For example, I really wanted the deacon at our parish involved in our ceremony because I think it''s really cool that she''s a woman in the ministry, and she was a family friend when I was growing up. My priest wasn''t at all offended by that. Granted, the situation was a little different because the priest still presided over the mass, but I''m just thinking that perhaps you can spin it in a complimentary way so that Pastor A doesn''t feel slighted.

So is there a way you could ask along those lines? "We''d really like Pastor B to do the ceremony because he really reminds Lala of her childhood priest and that''s extremely important to her" - put the "blame" on you (since you don''t want it to be uncomfortable for FI''s family who still attends the church).

Another thing you might do is ask the former minister if there might be some way to "appeal" the decision that the other pastor has to be present for your case - say that it''s meaningful for your FI to have a minister there who was part of his spiritual formation/upbringing. While your FI may not want to be married in the Episcopal church, you could certainly say that you''re torn between the two and that this dealbreaker issue. I hate to say this, but most churches are pretty desperate for members, and if you ask the right person, you may be surprised by the answer - especially if a "no" answer means that you would likely decide to be married elsewhere.
 

lala2332

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 15, 2008
Messages
535
HUGE SIGH of relief!!!!!
Thank you for your dust and well wishes!

FI spoke to his old minister, who is kind of now in charge of all the city''s churches in FI''s denomonation.

He is the one who actually added in the provision that the church''s minister must be involved, b/c when he was doing an exchange overseas the associate minister at the time unknowingly let some people that were in a cult get married at the church! how crazy!

Anyway, you can get permission to have a different minister, and the old minister has already been given permission multiple times!! YAY!

Also, the old minister recommended a beautiful church that has a chapel that is stunning! the prettiest chapel I''ve seen in Atlanta and it seats 75 people, which is perfect b/c we wwill have about 50 guests. And he seemed to think it would be no problem convincing them to do a friday night ceremony! YAY!!!!!

So, we are calling tomorrow and will maybe go see the chuch tomorrow!!!

We still need to figure out pricing, since FI''s church is free and only 10 minutes to where we are having dinner, we may still go with it, but its so nice to know that this can be worked out!!!
 

SarahLovesJS

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 2, 2008
Messages
5,206
Date: 2/4/2009 6:09:01 PM
Author: lala2332
HUGE SIGH of relief!!!!!

Thank you for your dust and well wishes!


FI spoke to his old minister, who is kind of now in charge of all the city''s churches in FI''s denomonation.


He is the one who actually added in the provision that the church''s minister must be involved, b/c when he was doing an exchange overseas the associate minister at the time unknowingly let some people that were in a cult get married at the church! how crazy!


Anyway, you can get permission to have a different minister, and the old minister has already been given permission multiple times!! YAY!


Also, the old minister recommended a beautiful church that has a chapel that is stunning! the prettiest chapel I''ve seen in Atlanta and it seats 75 people, which is perfect b/c we wwill have about 50 guests. And he seemed to think it would be no problem convincing them to do a friday night ceremony! YAY!!!!!


So, we are calling tomorrow and will maybe go see the chuch tomorrow!!!


We still need to figure out pricing, since FI''s church is free and only 10 minutes to where we are having dinner, we may still go with it, but its so nice to know that this can be worked out!!!

Yaaay!
Dust to you for either the new chapel or FI''s church working out!
 

lala2332

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 15, 2008
Messages
535
we wentt and looked at both churches on Thursday....teh chapel and FI''s parents church.

THe chapel is stunning!!! black and white marble floor, gorgeous domed roof, all white walls and the pews are the old fashioned kind with doors! I fell in love!!!!

I talked to my parents and they are ok with the extra money that it would cost since the church would have been free. We still have the church booked, because as non-members we have to wait 10 months out to book the chapel. I can''t imagine that a late January wedding is that popular, so fingers crossed no one books my date before the end of March!

ENd of March is also when I''m going to try on dresses for the 1st time...it will be so exciting!!! I really can''t wait!!!!
 
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