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Chores & childcare - how equal is it at your place?

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Independent Gal

Independent Gal

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
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I am very happy to report that DH does alllll his chores and I usually only have to ask him once or twice. I am less happy to report that my chores take about twice as long as his do, and that I''m the one who picks up the slack on things like calling a maintenance person if something is broken (or even noticing its broken), arranging for the carpets to be cleaned, dry cleaning, dealing with bills, building issues, etc. etc.

I''ve been doing some reading, and apparently we liberated ladies and our liberated men truly expect that things are going to be equal, but in the overwhelming majority of cases, ''liberated'' men do, on average, 5 minutes more housework a day than their ''women''s place is in the home'' traditional counterparts. And women do overwhelmingly more in the home than men. This is compounded when kids come into the picture.

This is true even if you control for working. And women earning more seems to have very little effect as well.

We''re going to try re-jigging the chores, but I know it will never be quite equal, so my backup plan is to lower my expectations, so I don''t get bitter.

Anyway, I wanted to ask you ladies. REALISTICALLY, what proportion of the chores, in terms of time spent, do you do vs. your man?
 
FI does all the yardwork
Takes out the trash
Litter box
Washes/dries all the laundry (I fold and put it away)
Sometimes vaccums, sweeps, mops.

I do everything else.
So I''d say it''s about 35/65 split.

However, when it comes to mortgage/bills and other living expenses it''s about a 90/10 split since the only thing I pay for is groceries (although I do pay for my school, our wedding stuff, and my own clothes/gas/etc).
 
Yeah, so just like us then.

DH:
- empties the dishwasher
- gets the groceries
- takes the trash and recycling out
- cleans the mirrors (I can't reach)
- 'technically' cooks every other night, but functionally it's more like once a week.
- washes up the dishes after himself.

I do everything else. Time wise it works out to 2/3 - 1/3
 
HAHAHAHAHA that''s funny, equal I mean.............

cheers--Sharon
 
Hi IG I have been thinking about this alot too since I am expecting and am pretty overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I will have to do in the future. Right now if I am a slob or we let things go it''s no big deal but I am feeling pressure that we will really have to get it together in the next few months.

I''m pretty sure that my dh really is doing a lot but sometimes it doesn''t feel like it...
He will do laundry if I keep "forgetting" but does not fold it and it piles up in huge mounds on the guest room bed. He grocery shops all the time- I can''t remember the last time I went except for milk. He ends up taking out the trash and recycles but he gets sick of it and wishes I would help. He has never cleaned anything that I have seen- although he said he did the floors once but I didn''t see it, lol. He empties the dishwasher/cleans the dishes lots and is willing to cook too although he really prefers me to because he likes to feel like I am taking care of him. He likes to organize the garage- and buy stuff to install on the car for example. Also is very handy around the house. He works about 11 hour days and now I am working 6 hour days so I feel like I should be doing more than him-
I am trying to figure out the actual time- it might be pretty even in time spent cause I kind of do a power straightening/cleaning infrequently and he maintains the dishwasher/groceries kind of stuff alot of the time.

Interested to see what everyone else has to say. I feel like I just got to vent so thank you! And I am grateful for all he does even though it did not sound like it in my writing...
 
We are doing the "equal" chores as well. If you were to split it up, I would say my BF spends more time on the chores, but that doesn''t mean that he does more work. (it takes him FAR longer then me to clean the same area... I just don''t get it) We have it situated that when one cooks the other cleans the dishes. This has worked very nicely and there has only been a few times when I had to remind him repeatedly that there are dishes that need to be done. (he likes to let things "soak" for a long time.... even things that don''t need to soak...sneeky!)
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I do more of the "suff you can''t see" cleaning. Like moping the floor, cleaning the counter tops, dusting. I also do the bathrooms as he never really does it all the way and then I have to go back and do it again. (but I do appreciate the effort)

He is my laundry man. I REALLY hate doing the laundry and folding and ironing. And while I do help him when he asks me, he is almost always the one to get the laundry going.

I normally am the one to initiate a thorough cleaning and not just a tidy-ing up, but he is the one that likes to clean out things that we havn''t used and re-organise.

It probibly will always be a little off as I work quicker an can get more done in the same amount of time, but I think it works pretty well now.
 
My DH does most of the "daily" stuff while I do most of the "thorough" stuff.

He does:
- all dishes except non-dishwasher safe
- trash, including collecting it from the rooms
- one of 2 litter boxes
- one of 2 bathrooms (his)
- most of the laundry
- most of the grocery shopping
- half of the cooking
- most of the bill paying
- all of the car maintenance
- most of the house maintenance issues (he calls people)
- most of the vacuuming
- most of the watering of plants
- most frequent attender at neighborhood meetings

I do:
- all non-dishwasher safe dishes
- 1 of the 2 litter boxes
- my bathroom
- some of the laundry
- all grocery lists
- half of the cooking
- some bill paying
- all deep cleaning --- baseboards need to be wiped down? He doesn''t notice!
- all cat related chores... vet, nail trim, cleaning up after them, medication
- most of the kitchen cleaning... I like it clean BEFORE I cook.
- all of the "picking up". He thinks a pile of receipts on the shelf by the door is "perfectly acceptable".

In the end, I probably do more, but he does most of the stuff I hate doing. I wear myself out about once a month really cleaning, but we only do that when people are coming over, so we try to have guests as often as possible. Case in point on daily vs. thorough... I spent 3 hours a few weeks ago cleaning his grill. He had never actually bothered to THOROUGHLY scrape it. I was disgusted. I scraped. I oiled. I scraped. I oiled. I cleaned it. And I threatened him to learn how to oil and scrape. We''ll see.
 
Hmmm. Let''s see.

DH Does:

Takes laundry down for washing, and loading.
Takes out the trash
Takes the dog out every am, and various evenings
Cleans the bathroom
Makes the bed
Will make his own dinner if I''m not hungry, will sporadically make dinner for the two of us.
Is the sole driver in the home
Will sometimes wash/or dry dishes
He vacuums and dusts.
Will put riff-raff crap laying above the house in its proper place.

I do:

Cook most dinners, unless he wants something with meat, then he''s on his own.
Sort laundry
Fold Laundry
Put laundry away
I am probably the sole dish washer and put-awayer


We share grocery shopping, but I''m usually the one who makes the runs to TJs. Now, in our case, he''s often working 3 or so hours later than I am, and I think it''s unfair for me to sit down and relax for three hours, and then when he comes home make us both do chores. So I try to do some laundry, or clean some clutter, or make the bed a few days a week. DH works weekends as well as M-F, and rarely gets a chance to relax. Because of that, he makes more than I do, and pays all the bills and most of our eating out expenses, so I think the fact that I do a lot of the work myself is somewhat akin to him making more money to provide. Works more, makes more, home less. So he has no time to really do that many chores, and I''ll take my poor ass and do laundry or dishes.

Now, he''d NEVER use the money issue as an excuse, it''s just my way of thinking. He does do a lot of work around the house, despite that. Our money is pooled into three separate accounts (aside from savings accounts): we each have personal checking, and one joint. He will put 3/4 of his paychecks in the joint, and will also pay out of his personal. My account is mostly for my personal bills and things like that. He has a distinct aversion to folding laundry (something to do with his late father), and I totally respect that.

Hey, what do you know? I''m a kept woman!
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I think the key to happiness with this is that everyone should do what they are good at. So DH is horrible at knowing when the bathroom needs to be cleaned. Who knows why, but it isn't tangible for him. So I do that.

BUT he's really good at seeing when the dishes need to be done, so he does that.

I would say I certainly do more, and I also am the one to do the "upkeep" things like the bills, calling our landlord, etc. BUT to make up for it DH does the chores I really really hate, like trash and the dishes. He also does more with our dogs. He also is horrible at remembering appointments, and paying bills, so realistically, it is MUCH less stress for me to do it myself than wait on him to do it.

So while it isn't even time wise, I think it's even stress wise if that makes sense. I consider it a fair trade off since he does the things I absolutely hate.

We'll see once we add some babies into the mix!
 
Its probably 60/40 with my FI doing the larger half

I do:
some cooking
bathroom cleaning
bill paying
making appointments, etc
vacuuming, although it doesn''t get done very often

My FI:
Most of the cooking
the laundry
the dishes
the cat box

We both pick up clutter and go to the grocery store together.

The truth is, I am a slob and don''t care and he is tidy and does, so he does more work because otherwise it simply won''t get done. Although the amounts shift based on who is working more. As I am gone far more hours a week than my FI, it makes sense he would do more of the housework and I did more when he was working longer hours.

I think the amount of time thing can be misleading as well. My dad spends and hour at the grocery store each week and my mom spends many cleaning the house. It seems unfair, but my mom truely HATES the store and would much rather be at home cleaning. So for them, it is the best solution even if it isn''t "equal". When my mom used to work, we had a cleaning lady because neither felt they had the time to keep up and it wasn''t fair to make my mom do it because she is a she.
 
I think it works out pretty evenly with us. We don''t have specific chores - we just do what needs to get done, as we feel it''s necessary. I''m a little neurotic about having a clean kitchen, so I do more of the work there. We take turns cooking. I tend to cook dinner more on weeknights, and he tends to do most of the cooking on weekends.

He''s into having no clutter around the house - so he does a lot of picking up there, and we take turns cleaning the bathroom. Vacuuming is 50/50 as well. He takes out the garbage and recycling a lot more than I do.

I do all cat cleanup, but he''s very much MY cat, so no complaints there. FI doesn''t get much out of that relationship
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.

We take turns with child care. When one of us gets frustrated/tired, the other one takes over.
 
I'm a SAHM to one 2 yr old so I do most of the chores. (not to imply that ALL SAHM should do most of the chores. and, once mine is older, i may not either).

Childcare:

DH does baths, changes diapers when needed or sits him on the potty, fixes breakfast or lunch as necessary.

I do the rest, except on weekends when DH does quite a lot with our son. (when he has a weekend off, that is.)

Chores:

DH loads/unloads the dishwasher, washes his work clothes, occasionally vaccuums, rarely scrubs a toilet. He does all car repairs and heavy yardwork. He's an organizer, so he does a lot of that. He is the only one who touches garbage/recyclables.

I do the rest, but if I ask him for help he usually complies (the second or third time).


In both of our families, our dads don't do a thing around the house, not even yardwork. His mom and dad both work and my mom and dad both work. I have never seen either man take dishes to the sink let alone wash them.

It's nice to see so many men taking an active role in life, not just at work.
 
I never expected it to be 50/50...just not realistic for most, I agree.

I cook most of the time. I clean the bathrooms, kitchen and do dishes by hand. I dust and declutter. He will vacuum when asked, takes out the trash and puts the dishes away (I hate that). He also does laundry, although I do my own from time to time because it''s easier since I''m home.

As for the kid...it''s 80% me. However he is totally willing to help with her, but lately his job is to really help me more. He grocery shops, cooks more,and if he doesn''t cook he brings me dinner.
 
Very interesting topic IG! I think in our house it''s about 65/35, with me doing the bulk of the household stuff. We each take a week for dishes and we help each other to load/unload the dishwasher. He does his own laundry and washes the cars; makes his own breakfast if he wants it in the mornings; does the yardwork; takes out the trash and recycling and picks up stuff at the grocery store/Target, etc. if I have forgotten something during the general shopping. He also will do the dusting and will clean up his "areas" when he gets the chance. And if I ask he''ll take care of sweeping and vacuuming as well. I think I do everything else...but we are working on trying to make the situation a bit more equitable (though I am not expecting 50-50 at all times). I knew going in that I''d end up with most of the housework, so I am not really "bitter" about that being the reality right now. However there are times where I feel overwhelmed. Thankfully, DH usually senses my frustration during those times and asks where he can help. Unfortunately my guy was not raised to take initiative in cleaning and household stuff, but I am pleasantly surprised at how he has pitched in to help.
 
We both:
Cook (he more often than I)
Do dishes (I more often than him)

DH:
Pays bills/budgeting
His laundry (and our laundry: sheets, dish towels)
Cleans his bathroom
Cleans the house (vacuum, dust, scrubbing kitchen and spare bathrooms, etc.)
Grocery shops
Yardwork
Takes out trash
Recycling (seperates it, brings it to recycling center)
Car maintenance

I:
Clean my bathroom
My laundry

I am not liberated, I am spoiled. In all seriousness I am very lucky to have a husband who is willing to do so much, on top of being the "breadwinner" in our family. Because he runs own business from home he has the flexibility to do things when he likes, but he certainly does way more than his fair share. It will be interesting to see how things shift when we eventually become parents. He works from home now, but will rent an office space once the time comes so that will change the dynamics of our household pretty drastically, I think. Perhaps I'm in for a rude awakening!
 
Yayy…I saw this topic coming up in the other thread and hoped someone would post it as a topic.

I feel VERY fortunate to have a pretty domestic DH. He does 98% of the cooking and loves it. Plus he’s a much better cook than I am..so I just let him do his thing. He’s also good about doing laundry, changing sheets, and any other little house projects that need to be done. I do most of the cleaning, though, and I usually wash up the dishes for him after his ‘culinary productions’.
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Right now the balance of chores in our house is DH 75%/ ME 25%. But that’s mainly because I’m doing my Masters and don’t have much time for anything else. Once I’m finished with that it’ll probably be more like 50/50.

Besides the cooking – we don’t really assign ourselves to specific chores, we just kind of do what needs to be done. If I see that laundry needs to be done I do it, and if he sees that floor needs mopping then he does it. Some months I might do more chores than him - sometimes (most times now) he does more than me. It doesn''t really matter because we just make sure things get done, whichever one of us does it.

I think that splitting chores straight down the middle can be a bit militaristic, and can create resentment if one partner doesn’t keep up his assigned tasks.
 
Very little is done by my hubby. He can do things in terms of organization and is a big light bulb changer! Otherwise he works 16 hour days and sometimes longer, and we have a live in housekeeper/nanny 6 days a week and I have a young woman who comes in in the afternoons and on Sundays who does a lot of errands and helps me keep organized and sane. She will go to the market so I can go to my son''s track meet, that type of thing, since I cannot do both. On weekends hubby likes to really hang with the kids since he rarely gets to see them much during the week.
 
I just posted about this over in LIW, but I don''t do much as far as chores go! Here goes:

Fiance:
does all the dishes by hand
cooks every now and then (we eat out or get take out most of the time)
sweeps
mops
vacuums
cleans the bathroom
tidies up the living room and the officey living room
takes out the trash
pays all the bills

Me:
give cats food
give cats water (I split those up so it looks like more!)
clean litter box
clean up most cat puke incidents
tidy up the living room occasionally
tidy up the bathroom occasionally
my laundry and his laundry sometimes (we don''t have a laundry machine so he usually drops his off at the cleaners and gets it done)

I need to do more but I''m a lazy, messy slob! He just notices messiness and is bothered by it, whereas I don''t notice a room is messy until it''s a pig sty. I tend to leave shoes and clothes and books in my wake...but I am doing better!
 
FI is very much convinced that it''s 50/50... But it''s not, especially time-wise. Bless his heart, the silly man.
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It''s been the source of quite a few disagreements, but I''ve since learned to let it go.

I:
Cook dinner (every day)
Clean the bathroom (once a week)
Clean the kitchen (once a week)
Clean the fridge (once a month)
Do the laundry (twice a week)
Take care of the cats (every day)

We both:
Buy groceries and do other errands (once a week or more)
Do the dishes (once a day)

He:
Takes out the trash and recycling (once or twice a week)
Vacuums, dusts and mops (once a week)
Makes the lunches (all at once every week)
 
I am very impressed by the your husbands!!!

Chores....Dh doesn''t do much. He does do all the yard work and trash. Sometimes he vaccuums...that''s about it. He does do any repairs.

Childcare...his favorite saying is he makes the money, I make the milk. I do 90% (maybe more
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). I get to sleep in one morning a week. He does change diapers if needed, sometimes bathe, sometimes feeds. But there are days where he doesn''t see her at all.
 
THis is always an interesting topic. In our house, I do more than 50%, but I also have a lot more time. I do: our finances (bills etc), pretty much all the house cleaning (straightening up, bathrooms, vacuum, dusting, etc), weekly grocery shopping, cooking, all the laundry, take the cars for maintenance, most of our "business" type stuff (insurance, etc.), most of the work for our dogs, and most errands. DH does nearly everything for the outside of the house, like he does the majority of the yard work, etc. He also washes our cars and fixes things that break around the house, and does home improvement projects (some of which we do together). If we are having company he helps me clean. He also does the dishes after I cook, and takes out the garbage, which are the chores that I hate! It may not be 50/50 but I think given the way our schedules are, it is pretty fair. Also, a lot of the things he does are things I do not know how to do, so I really appreciate that he can (he is a real Mr. Fixit!)
 
Bravo to all those helping hubbies and fiances!
 
Date: 5/20/2008 8:39:04 PM
Author: anchor31
FI is very much convinced that it''s 50/50... But it''s not, especially time-wise. Bless his heart, the silly man.
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It''s been the source of quite a few disagreements, but I''ve since learned to let it go.

I:
Cook dinner (every day)
Clean the bathroom (once a week)
Clean the kitchen (once a week)
Clean the fridge (once a month)
Do the laundry (twice a week)
Take care of the cats (every day)

We both:
Buy groceries and do other errands (once a week or more)
Do the dishes (once a day)

He:
Takes out the trash and recycling (once or twice a week)
Vacuums, dusts and mops (once a week)
Makes the lunches (all at once every week)
Click to expand...
I should add that once we have a house, FI is definitely going to do more work... ''cause I''m not going to do yard work and renovating!
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Nate has been working 12 hour days, and then some he is on call three nights every other week, so I do most of everything in our house. When we get settled into our new house, and he starts his new job, he won't have to work as many on call shifts, but he's still going to be working pretty long hours. Basically, 50/50 would not work for us.

As far as childcare, we're planning on taking shifts once they set their schedule.
 
I don''t know if most people think of equality as I do.

I read somewhere...or maybe I made it up...but it''s true that a professional woman has to spend more time to succeed in the corporate environment than a man does. Not in all corporations, but in most, the woman must be well groomed and that means at least eight hours more per week than a man. This includes:
hair care, make up, manicures, pedicures, more shopping (because a man can wear the same suit and change his tie and nobody will notice, but god forbid a woman wear the same outfit in the same week).

Therefore, a man has more time to cook, clean and research for financial decisions than a woman does. So, imho, a man should be doing MORE than what is seen as equal if his woman is a professional.
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Penn, I hear ya! I could not ask hubby to work 80-100 hours a week and give me the life I have and then do things that I have all day during the week to do, with help. He loves being with the kids and will coach sports or take them out or to birthday parties and such, but I really have to be needy to ask him to do errands on a weekend!


How are the babies?!

I looked back over the thread and noticed I had forgotten Avery as a girl''s middle name...I thought for sure I had, because I loved Savannah Avery and Hunter Grayson...it was fun reading that thread over and seeing the progression. I love their names and hope you are all settling in!
 
He does:
Most of the cooking
Finances
Vacuums (but I have to remind/ask him to do it)
Trash (but I have to remind/ask him to do it)
Dishes sometimes

We both do:
Grocery shopping
Litter box (although I do it about 80% of the time)

I do:
Dusting, mopping, scrubbing...basically all cleaning.
Most dishes
Laundry
General pick-up

I actually don't mind that it's not quite even, the only thing that drives me nuts is that he NEVER picks up after himself and I am always finding socks, water glasses, etc etc all over the place. Not to mention that it is apparently extrememly difficult to close a cupboard door after taking something out of it
20.gif
 
Things are far from equal but we do what we can, I suppose. The way my FI looks at it, since he has a longer day than I do (he has a much longer commute to work than I do, unless he's working from home), I "should" be doing more housework than him. I don't mind picking up more chores, but I also feel like he's getting off easy. He once told me that he's not good at it.
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I finally realized that when he was younger and living at home, his mom probably did all the inside house work and he would help his dad with the outside stuff. Well, since we live in a condo and don't need to do yardwork, there's no outside stuff to take care of. This has been a struggle between us for a long time and I don't see an ending in sight.
Anyway...

We do our own laundry and pay our own bills (although my FI will soon be the one in charge of paying all the bills). If one of us cooks dinner, the other one does the dishes and cleans the counters/stove. He's in charge of taking the trash out but I occasionally do that as well if needed. I take care of the litter box and cleaning the bathroom. I wash the floor in the bathroom and he's supposed to do the kitchen floor. We're both supposed to take care of our random clutter around the house. I do pretty much all of the straightening up but my FI will help out with his stuff in the living room. I dust and vacuum also.
 
Things Steve generally does:

dishes
deal with trash and recycling
car stuff
vacuum
mow the lawn
make appointments and deal with plumber, etc.
make appointments and take kids to the dentist
clean the bathrooms

Things I generally do:
cook
general picking up
get the kids up for school
make appointments and take the kids for medical checkups
take the girls to the stables/tennis lessons
sweep the wood floors
volunteer for a couple of PTA events each year
yardwork other than mowing (I like to garden)
pay bills and deal with finances/investments

Things we do together:
laundry
check the kids'' backpacks and sign homework
drop-offs and pick-ups for school (we commute together)
litter box

We both work full-time, and I feel that things are pretty equal.
 
On household duties, things are relatively equal. The housecleaning, laundry, etc. is all done by our nanny. For supper, we make supper together and the nanny cleans up. I do most of the planning, organizing, and household maintenance. I then get DH in for the bigger jobs (ie. dig me holes for a new tree - I ain''t digging myself!!!).

On the child care front, the non-nanny time for Miller falls primarily on me. Miller is still a baby at heart, and is very attached to mommy. That is not to say DH doesn''t try and is very involved, but the buck stops with me.
 
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