Choosing your maid of honor...

[asymons412]

So here is my somewhat-of-a-dilemma. (warning! a little long )

I've found that when you transition from high school to college to graduate school, you acquire new and different friends along the way, all who mean very much to different stages of your life.

My best friend from home, we'll call her D, and I were and are very close. We went to high school together and she lived with my family for several months while she had problems at home (and therefore my family is very close to her as well). After high school, we both went to schools in different states and become a little more distant, but she is truly the kind of friend that picks right back up with you without missing a beat. Even now when I return home to NY from graduate school in AZ, we meet up for coffee, go shopping or to the gym and hang out as if nothing ever changed. When we were in high school, we told each other that we'd probably be the other's maid of honor (we both had long term boyfriends at the time; I am actually still with mine, and she is with someone else now who I like very much), which makes me wonder what she's thinking now; D's wedding is going to be 3 months after mine (and I am the only one who knows; she actually isn't engaged yet, but they've picked a date and venue. Go figure!).

My best friend from undergrad, T, and I met freshman year of college because we lived in the same dorm and had a lot of the same friends. I never really got close to her until we pledged the same sorority sophomore year. From that point, we did everything together-- shared wardrobes, we were neighbors for junior and senior year in our sorority house, shared a lot of the same interests and were pretty much known as a pair whether we were going out to a bar or to the library. She is a truly self-sacrificing, give-it-all friend. She knows how my long-distance relationship affected me in college, she knows and understands me at my worst, and celebrates that FH and I have made it to where we are. T was very influential in my relationship with my FH during very difficult times. When T found out that I was engaged, she didn't hesitate to call and let me know that she would be at my wedding no matter what (even though she's in Colorado and in law school). She is planning to visit me in AZ to take me dress shopping (since I won't be able to shop with my Mom in NY for a while).

How do you reconcile two best friends from two different lives into a maid of honor? Has anyone else had to make a decision like this, or has anyone ever had two maids of honors? I'm really struggling with it. I will say that I feel as if D might be hurt if I don't choose her, whereas T would be totally unaffected and happy for me all the same.

Any advice is appreciated. I love my friends very much and they have all brought me to where I am today. I just don't know how to handle this situation!

 

[monarch64]

Wow, tough decision! Between the two, I would choose T. Since D is getting married just 3 months after your wedding, I would not choose her because she will be so busy (assuming she is having a traditional wedding) planning and executing her own. T is taking you dress-shopping, sounds like she will be more available to deal with everything MOH-related, and is an equally great friend. I'd make D a bridesmaid if you wish, since that will still give her the honor of being an attendant, but alleviate her of the concerns of having the title of MOH. Just an opinion from an outsider's point of view...best of luck to you in making your decision!

ETA: sorry, I missed the part about you and T's discussion way back when about being each other's MOH's. Do you think it would be super awkward to discuss the decision with her first? As in, "T, I adore you and remember us talking about our weddings and MOH wishes when we were younger, but will the timing work for you?" You get where I'm going with this train of thought, I'm sure. I'm also sure things will work out for the best for all involved. Happy wedding planning!

 

[sillyberry]

You can have co-maids of honor. Since both are long-distance, and they're not friends themselves, it might work better if they delegate the duties between them instead of trying to plan everything together. So, one takes the bachelorette party, one takes the bridal shower (or whatever you think they'll want to plan).

However, if you don't want to do that...go with your gut. It sounds like you know who you *want* to be there next to you.

My MOH is my best friend, but of my three bridesmaids, I've known her for the least amount of time. But she's totally my platonic soulmate and the wedding would not be complete to me without her by my side, so the decision wasn't even really a decision.

Good luck!

 

[vc10um]

Fortunately, I have one sister, with whom I am now quite close (even though that wasn't the case until I moved out to go to college...) so my MOH decision was easy. Had I not had her, however, I would have been in a situation somewhat similar to yours, except with a friend I met the first day of college (with whom I have discussed being mutual MsOH with...), and a friend I met toward the end of undergrad (who is getting married just TWO WEEKS before me).

My question to you is, how many bridesmaids in total do you plan on having? Because if I only had those two friends and did not have a sister, I would simply call my friends both bridesmaids and be done with it and not have a maid of honor. If you are having three bridesmaids, I think having "co-MsOH" might make the third girl feel left out, and you might have to choose (which, in this case, I agree with SB...I think you know who you WANT and who you would choose if forced). If you are having 4 or more, I think co-MsOH is the way to go, if you really don't want to choose.

My FI is just having his two brothers as counterpart to my three bridesmaids. We are just referring to them as "groomsmen" ...FI's middle brother will stand closest to him at the ceremony, but his youngest brother will be carrying the ring.

ETA: IIRC you are not planning to have your wedding until September, 2012. I would honestly wait until September of this year to ask your bridal party. LOTS of things can change in 6 months (not only with you, but with them!), but about a year out from the wedding, you should have a solid idea of who has been/will be there for you best on your wedding day. So while I'm sure they are on pins and needles waiting to be asked to be in the bridal party, I would just cool your jets on this one for awhile, give yourself some more time to think it over, and then ask them this fall. (If they start to get testy, just blame it on your FI...tell them you want to ask all the bridal party members at about the same time and he's still waffling on how many/whom he wants. )

 

[jaylex]

First of all, I don't think i've seen you around here before so welcome and congrats!
My stepsister had two MOH's in her wedding and it was fine
No drama, no hurt feelings. Actually, I think she really appreciated the double help. And she had TWO best friends, why should she have to choose just one? (She did have additional bridesmaids as well)

I do recommend waiting another six months or so before you pick your bridal party. We got engaged in September of 09. We're getting married in 3 weeks. I didn't pick my party until the end of the summer of 10.
And to be honest, two of the girls in my party were not in the original "game plan". (I ended up adding one more bm than I thought I would have... and one of the girls in my original "party" was the long-term girlfriend of my brother... they ended up breaking up so obviously that would have been a disaster.)
basically, vc10um is right. A lot can change in over a year.
Don't sweat it for right now
Good luck!

 

[rhbgirl24]

I would just have two maids of honor! No problem there, I've seen it tons of times. Why choose?

 

[blacksand]

If you can have two, then do it! If you feel you need to choose one, I would go with D, personally. Old friends come first in my book. Not because newer friend are any less valuable or important, but because old friends have been there for so many milestones in your life, and you know they always will be. Also, as you said, newer friends don't usually expect to be chosen, and won't be hurt if you go with an old friend, but an old friend's feeling might well be hurt, especially if this was something you had talked about in the past.

 

[Haven]

I would just have two maids of honor! No problem there, I've seen it tons of times. Why choose?

I agree!

I got around this issue by having sisters, so we consider ourselves lucky. If I didn't have any sisters, I would have had two MsOH, easy peasy!

 

[asymons412]

Thanks all for the advice!... I am a serial planner . I do agree that perhaps I should wait; it's difficult, especially with my Mom on the phone every other day with new ideas... I actually just ordered the most adorable custom "will you be my bridesmaid?" cards, which is why I'm thinking about it so much! (If anyone is interested in this, LillyPinkPaperie on etsy is fantastic!)

I've already asked one of my bridesmaids because she's in the Peace Corps right now in Guyana and I had to be sure that the date would work with her, which has sent me into bridesmaid-picking mode. Another factor is that I am not often on the East coast and will be home for 2 weeks in July; my next visit home won't be until the winter holidays, due to the steep prices of flights. Since my friends are taking me to a wine bar to celebrate the engagement, I thought it would be fun if they received their cards around that time.

Then again, you are all very right; I am not the most patient person in the world. I am almost certain that my selections won't change, but at the same time it never hurts to wait.

As for having 2 MOH's, I actually hadn't thought of the idea until this post; I do have a total of 7 girls in the intended bridal party (friends + FH's sister), so 2 MOH's is a possibility. I think I'm going to take your advice, Monarch, and eventually call D to ask if she would be comfortable as a co-maid of honor with her wedding only 3 months after mine.

It's so hard not to go into wedding planner mode!

 

[Autumnovember]

I am having two maid of honors at my wedding. My sister is one of them and the other is my very best friend who is like a sister to me. I couldn't imagine having to just pick 1....I really couldn't ever do that. Both of them mean the world to me and I would never want to be put in the position of having to pick just 1 as it could really hurt some feelings. This is YOUR wedding and if you feel that both of these girls should be your maid of honors, than by all means have both of them. They know you best and I'm willing to bet they would interact perfectly fine and maybe even form a friendly friendship in between all the planning.

Also, I'm only having 4 girls in my wedding and I could honestly care less if 2 of the 4 are maid of honors and the other two just bridesmaid's...there is nothing unusual or weird about that to me and to some it may be...but I LIKE that. Fiance is having two brothers of his 6 brothers be best men.

Picky your bridal party when you feel most comfortable and positive that the people you're picking will be around until the wedding happens. I picked mine literally 3 or 4 days after being engaged and I'm very happy with my decisions and I ended up adding another girl who I've become friends with and it all feels very *right*.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I had two MOH...my best friend was a Matron, my sister was a Maid. My sister was in college and my best friend lived in another part of the state...they both shouldered what they could and knowing each could defer to the other kept it stress-free for the most part. There are perks to having two. In the end it was fun. My sister did the dress shopping and the logistical stuff with me, my BF did the manual labor like stamping.

I think, for the sake of your friendships, you could definitely have two. Both equally important and cherished and loved...but it WILL diminish the load they need to carry which is a perk for them as much as it is for you.

 

[kittybean]

I had two maids of honor (seven bridesmaids total). One took on more "duties" since she was local, but it was great to have both of them standing next to me on the big day. I actually was a co-MOH in one of their weddings a year later, and that worked out nicely, too.

 

[jstarfireb]

My friend also had 2 maids of honor and 2 regular bridesmaids (one of whom was me). I didn't find it weird at all, speaking from the perspective of a non-MOH bridesmaid. From the way you describe your friends and your friendships with them, it sounds like both of them could be your MOHs.