choosing one sister and not the other

[lucyh]

hi everyone.
I''ve chosen my littlest sister (age 13) to be my bridesmaid. My fiance will probably have his little brother (same age) be his bestman/ groomsman. Our wedding is small - family only - probably 40 people of so. Neither one of us wants a big bridal party.

My other sister (age 23) is upset that I haven''t chosen her and thinks it is representative of me deciding that I don''t want to make a continued effort with her. The other issue is that I asked my little sister a few weeks back but wasn''t able to chat to my other sister directly about it (she never answers her phone..) So, she just got the word this week via my little sister re: the time lag. I called her last night to apologize and tell her that I loved her etc. but she didn''t believe any of it and basically hung up on me. I also said that I''d love to have her as a bridesmaid if it was important to her but that we''d just wanted a smaller wedding party. Another thing to consider is that she told me the other day that she and her husband might not be able to come to my wedding because of time off requests/ finances. Yet she''s still upset at the bridesmaid issue!

What to do??? I''m thinking stay true to our original decision and hope that she has the maturity to get over it?

 

[FacetFire]

Honestly, I would never ask one sister and not the other. My sister and I are not close, we have a lot of issues, but without a doubt she was asked to be my MOH. I think it's just something that you do out of respect for the relationship. We're having a smaller wedding also (same size as yours) but I don't see a problem with having two bridesmaids. Now, some may disagree with me, but there's my opinion. I would be very hurt if I were her also and might never really get over it. It's just one of those things. And telling her that you would have her if it was important to her is rather hurtful too...it's like telling her that it's not important to you. I feel like this is a relationship-breaker, where it could be a chance to improve your relationship...that's what I'm trying to use it as with my sister...

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/13/2007 5:21:05 PM
Author: FacetFire
Honestly, I would never ask one sister and not the other. My sister and I are not close, we have a lot of issues, but without a doubt she was asked to be my MOH. I think it''s just something that you do out of respect for the relationship. We''re having a smaller wedding also (same size as yours) but I don''t see a problem with having two bridesmaids. Now, some may disagree with me, but there''s my opinion. I would be very hurt if I were her also and might never really get over it. It''s just one of those things. And telling her that you would have her if it was important to her is rather hurtful too...it''s like telling her that it''s not important to you. I feel like this is a relationship-breaker, where it could be a chance to improve your relationship...that''s what I''m trying to use it as with my sister.

Ditto. Saying you''d have her if it''s important to her is kind of an after thought, the damage has been done. I''d be hurt if I was her too. JMHO.

 

[FacetFire]

Sorry, I had to chime in again (this is a subject close to my heart, I guess). I hope you don''t mind my two cents, but if you want to try and include her without her feeling like she is second-best (which it is likely she''ll feel even if you ask her at this point), I''d tell her that the only reason you didn''t ask her was because she said that she might not be able to come, and you can''t plan things unless you know for sure that your bridesmaids will be there. Tell her that if she can commit, you''d love to have her there...

 

[robbie3982]

I agree with FacetFire and Kaleigh. I definitely understand why your sister feels hurt. I also think that just because she said that she might not be able to come doesn''t mean that she doesn''t want to. I''m not sure how old you are, but it''s really hard when you''re just starting out in the "real" world. If your sister and brother-in-law are having financial hardships and have little or no time off from work, taking time unpaid might not be possible. That doesn''t mean that they don''t want to be there though.

 

[Aurelia]

I''d be pretty hurt too. It would have been much more considerate to discuss this with the sister you didn''t choose before asking your little sister. Hearing some news like that indirectly from someone else is pretty awful too. Not sure why you felt this was the best way to go -- seems pretty inconsiderate and thoughtless to me.

At this point she''s probably making noises about not coming at all and giving some other reasons (finances, time off, etc...) because she is THAT mad and hurt. I would be too.

Unless there was some really good reason why you didn''t ask her, I think you''ve made a pretty big mistake.

Aurelia

 

[lucyh]

YIKES... I feel even worse now but want to thank everyone for their feedback. We''ve had a not so good relationship for a while but I can see how I may have made it worse... I don''t know what I can do at this point to repair it. In my own defense, she''s been less than supportive of me over the past few years but I should have thought more about my actions on this issue.

 

[lucyh]

I should have mentioned that I also have 3 brothers who won''t be in the wedding party either. does this make it any better?

 

[FacetFire]

I wouldn''t expect your brothers to necessarily be part of the main wedding party (to me that means the bride and groom and bridesmaids/MOH and groomsmen/BM)...but I would probably have asked them to be ushers or do something else special like that. Are they playing any role?

 

[lucyh]

They''re going to be the ushers.

 

[jesterjigger]

I have to agree with the others here. As a matter of fact, my fiance wasn''t even going to ask his brother to be in the wedding, just his two friends from college. Sigh. But yes, you should have asked her (unless you''re not inviting her at all and don''t want her to be there) but it doesn''t sound like that''s the case here...

 

[musey]

Date: 1/13/2007 5:21:05 PM
Author: FacetFire
Honestly, I would never ask one sister and not the other. My sister and I are not close, we have a lot of issues, but without a doubt she was asked to be my MOH. I think it''s just something that you do out of respect for the relationship. We''re having a smaller wedding also (same size as yours) but I don''t see a problem with having two bridesmaids.

I agree with the other posters. I wouldn''t ask one sister and not the other... maybe one cousin and not another, but never one of two siblings. If it were me, I''d give a it a little time to think it over and then contact her again apologizing for the oversight and asking her to forgive you, be a part of your wedding, etc. Hopefully she is a forgiving person and will accept the apology!

Then again, I don''t have any sisters, so I don''t have a lot of personal insight into the situation...

 

[hlmr]

Hi Lucy:

Well, I guess you feel bad enough already so I am going to try and not make you feel worse!!

I also have two sisters and I am much closer to my younger sister (seems to be a trend there somewhere) but for my wedding day I had to choose both to be my bridesmaids.

My suggestion is that you ask your sister to be your matron of honour and continue to have your other sister as a bridesmaid. I know she hasn't been there for you but believe me when I say, 20 years from now she will still be your sister and unless you want your relationship ending early, my suggestion is to extend this invitation.

Good luck, best wishes and I hope that things work out for the best for everyone involved.

 

[Kaleigh]

I think you need to call your sister and apologize. Ask her to be a bridesmaid and maybe have the little sister as a junior bridesmaid. Perhaps you can say, that you just screwed up and are sorry. I''d rather hear that, than some other excuse... Good Luck!!!

 

[Fancy605]

If it makes you feel any better, I am only having one of my 3 sisters in my wedding. The other two are significantly older than I am and have been married 10+ years and have children, and I just didn''t think they would be too keen on playing bridesmaid. I think they''d enjoy just being guests more.

Out of curiousity, were you in your sister''s wedding?

 

[Mara]

ditto to what the others said. i have 2 sisters, one is 16 and one is 23. i am not that close to the 23 year old, but super close to the 16 year old. there was no way for me to not ask both...it would have caused hurt feelings...and also my mother would have been really upset because she is very into the notion of family and respecting each other. so both were bm's and it worked out fine. i can't imagine if i had asked one and not the other...serious family drama would have probably ensued! in any case...i had originally been thinking 'well i want who i want in my wedding' kinda thing and we had a small wedding, 30 people in hawaii but some battles are just not worth fighting when you are planning a wedding...at the risk of possibly fragmenting your familial support (aka parents and all that who might be displeased with you) just to have what you really want in the end, isn't worth it. my side of bm's were uneven with the gm's but in the end keeping the peace mattered more. and it worked out. good luck!!

 

[bee*]

I have to agree with the others also. I wouldnt ask one without the other, and if I was the sister that wasnt asked I would feel hurt. I dont have a very close relationship with my sister next in age to me, but when the time comes she will be my MOH. It keeps family happy and I dont have a problem with it at all

 

[VRBeauty]

I''m surprised that your mother didn''t say anything at the time...

But moving on to the present, the question is how to heal the breach.

I was thinking about sending flowers, but it might be hard to get the flowers and a hearfelt note there at the same time. Maybe a phone call followed by flowers?

Is there any possibility that you could visit her in person to ask her?

 

[tanyak]

Hmmm, for some reason, I'm not terribly bothered by this. You asked your 13-year-old sister and FH is asking his similar-age brother. It's not like you have a line of seven women up there your own age and you didn't bother to ask her. If I was the 23-year-old, I'm not sure that I would be throwing a fit if the only other two BP members are 13-year-olds, but that's just me. I've seen a few weddings where the BP consisted of children or young teenagers only.

Then again, I'm sort of over being a BM - I declined to be one in my own brother's wedding. I also don't think that being a sibling automatically gets you a free pass into the wedding party.

It's tough. I'm on your side, but I know that's not the popular side.

Is there something else she can do - a reading or song?

 

[Jas12]

I am not too close with my FI''s sister (althought I do like her a lot) but I included her b/c the other two siblings (my only sister and his only brother) were asked to be MOH and BM. So I can understand the obligation to family....

However, It is your wedding and if you don''t have a good relationship with your sister, I don''t see why you should have her stand with you. It''s like asking a dead-beat dad to walk the daughter down the isle just b/c most people have their biological dads play this role. I think the people you love, feel close to and are supportive to you should be the ones standing with you on your wedding day.

 

[diamondfan]

Lucy, speaking as someone who has terminated her relationship with her sister, I understand the position you were in. I mean, if she could not even be enthused and say she would be there, why would you ask her (which would then be awkward if she just says she cannot attend etc)...I am also a believer, that people earn what happens, and I would not really want someone up there with false feelings I say this because I was on the receiving end of a VERY toxic relationship with my own sister, no matter what I did, she was mean and hurtful, and I had to face facts that she was always jealous of me and never really cared about me and who I am. She always tried to tear me down or hurt me, never gave me support, but it took til I was 40 to accept this. And, when I got married, I had to have her in my wedding, and she was kind of an a**hole when I got engaged and during the wedding prep...but I always said that I HAD to get past it and HAD to put up and deal because she was my only sister blah blah blah.. I am NOT saying this is the case in your situation, but I do think sometimes, family or not, one has to realize certain truths and has to just face facts. Maybe things will get better between you, but it takes TWO. My situation was never going to be better because my sister never takes responsibility for herself or her actions/behavior, and come on, at 44, how can you just not ever apologize and admit you are wrong? I think if you think things will be better someday, I agree with whoever said, Well, I am sorry, I did not mean to hurt you, but you saying you might not be able to come so I really figured it was best not to put pressure on you... and let her make the gesture to show up and be supportive...

 

[anchor31]

Eep... Family issues are very sensitive. My own sister (twin) in my MOH. I knew she wouldn''t be an enthusiastic MOH, but I knew that not asking her would have been a bad faux-pas and would have hurt her feelings. She hasn''t been very cooperative so far, but she assured me that it was important for her to be a part of my wedding, so I''m sucking it up. Her title will be pretty much that - a title. I''m not really asking anything from her in the planning and if she doesn''t want the coordinating job I''d like to give her on the day-of (which would be right up her alley), I''ll live. My FI also would have rather asked his best friend to be his best man, but asked his brother instead. It doesn''t seem worth having a fight with a sibling over.

We didn''t want a big wedding party so I didn''t ask his sister to be a BM and he didn''t ask my brother to be a GM, but I''ve asked his sister to do a reading and my brother to be the usher. This way, all our siblings have a role and no one will feel excluded.

My advice is to try to include everyone with a little something... Even though it''s not always exactly what you want, sometimes it''s best to avoid conflicts. Weddings do bring out the worst in some people...

Good luck!

 

[FireGoddess]

I am not close to my younger sisters, at all. They have always been more close to each other and never really ''friends'' with me at all. Therefore, neither of them were in my wedding party. I had a small party - one MOH and one BM, and they were very, very close friends of mine. I told my sisters that they were traveling a long distance and I didn''t want them to have to deal with other responsibilities other than having a good time. In retrospect, I probably should have asked them. But I think not asking either of them was better than only asking one. Definitely can see why the other would be hurt. Honestly, whether you have 3 brothers and aren''t including them or what....to include one sister and not the other is hurtful I''m sure.

 

[diamondfan]

I know hindisght is 20/20...but if you did not feel, for good reasons, that she should stand up there, I do not think you should have to ask her to. We all have regrets, but I cannot operate in the NOW on the premise that I MIGHT regret it later. Why pretend the relationship is something other than it is? I have had this my whole life with my older sister, and it ruined my engagement, my wedding, the birth of my first two kids, all because I did what I thought I SHOULD or felt I HAD to do, and not what I wanted to. Hey, things happen and things can change too, so who knows. I just would go with my heart and gut and not get all worked up, because if you have her, you might regret THAT if she is not nice or supportive...

 

[sarie_j]

I''m going through a similar situation right now myself, my sister is 16 years older than me and was out of the house almost before I can remember her being there. I asked my best friend to be my MOH and never thought anything about it, but when I told my mom she flipped out and now I''m not sure if my sister is talking to me. Have know my MOH since I was 15 - 11 years - and honestly think I have prolly spent more time with her than my sister through the years so now I''m stuck too... I''m trying to figure out how to handle this now myself, tried to talk to my sister and include her but she says she''s "second best" and doesn''t want to be a bother == I''m with the others who say that it''s your wedding do what you want - Families are different, and while I realize that my sister is important I also know that I definitely wanted my friend to stand beside me when I got married.
Every bride has to make decisions that are going to make some people unhappy, so make sure you have what you want --

 

[galeteia]

Well, I''m glad I''m not the only one in the minority here who doesn''t feel this is totally heinous, because I completely agree with Tanyak.

When you said the Best Man is 13 (or thereabouts), and the Bridesmaid is 13, it made perfect sense to me. If you were including a lot of women your sister''s age and excluding her, or having many bridesmaids and excluding her, I''d understand that. But here you have a 13 year old best man and bridesmaid, one family member for each side. Makes sense to me. Plus, if you two are not close, her being a blood relative does not entitle her to dictate the structure of your wedding party.

Incidentally, my future brother-in-law will not be my FF''s best man at our wedding, despite the fact that they are close and have a good relationship. My FF was the BM for his childhood friend''s wedding, and so the friend will be FF''s BM when the time comes. FF''s (younger) brother understands this and there are no hurt feelings or thwarted expectations or unfulfilled entitlement.

So I say do what makes sense to you, because it''s impossible to make everyone happy. It''s your day.

 

[lucyh]

Wow.. thank you so much for everyone''s thoughtful responses.

hlmr - I read your reply just now (have been off line for a few days) and that was pretty much what I did - asked her to be matron of honor. I also apologized profusely and said that I''d gone about everything the wrong way, that my excitement for my wedding got the better of me etc... She told me to think about it some more - I said that I was happy with my decision and that if she needed more time to think about it on her side, that would be absolutely fine. So, nothing arranged yet.

Minims- the flower idea is a great one. We live on opposite coasts so a visit might be tougher to arrange.

And to Tanyak, Jas12, Diamonfan and Galateia - an especially big thank you for a) making me feel better and b) pinpointing how I feel.

Tanyak - your point about the 13yr. old bridal party was one that I''ve thought of (I think this is why my mother has been okay with the whole thing - she''s just more upset by my sister and I being upset at each other). I''m also thinking about the reading idea.

Diamonfan - you nailed it particularly well. I don''t want any falseness to be part of our wedding, I haven''t ever felt supported by her.

So, I guess the jury is still out when it comes down to it. She''s neither in or out at the moment but the ball''s in her court to make the effort at this point.

Thanks again for being a sounding board.

 

[ladykemma]

I'm with tanyak. i don't think that being a sib makes you automatically part of the wedding party.

when hubby and i married, I and most of my friends and wedding party were mostly active LDS (Mormon). i did NOT ask my sister to be in the wedding party. she is a diagnosed borderline personality disorder, and at the time, was a prostitute (euphemised as "dancer") on the houston richmond strip. My mom got on my case about why she wasn't bridesmaid and I was flabbergasted that I even had to explain why.

 

[qtiekiki]

I don''t think you have to include all your siblings in your wedding party. I am very close to both of my sisters, and only my younger sister was in my wedding party. I don''t see anything wrong with that. Just because I asked one to be a bm and not the other doesn''t mean I love or care less about the other one or I am choosing one over the other. I did it for reason that I feel is best for my wedding. I didn''t have to explain anything to them. They just supported my decision. I kind of feel like if you weren''t close, then what''s the point of including them in your wedding party. And if you are close, then they would just be supportive sisters. Your sister is kind of being unreasonable and overreacting. You had done what can be done on your part, so it''s up to her to mend the situation now. Good luck.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/18/2007 9:30:26 PM
Author: qtiekiki
I don''t think you have to include all your siblings in your wedding party. I am very close to both of my sisters, and only my younger sister was in my wedding party. I don''t see anything wrong with that. Just because I asked one to be a bm and not the other doesn''t mean I love or care less about the other one or I am choosing one over the other. I did it for reason that I feel is best for my wedding. I didn''t have to explain anything to them. They just supported my decision. I kind of feel like if you weren''t close, then what''s the point of including them in your wedding party. And if you are close, then they would just be supportive sisters. Your sister is kind of being unreasonable and overreacting. You had done what can be done on your part, so it''s up to her to mend the situation now. Good luck.

Just out of curiosity qtietiki, if you are close to both of them, why did you only ask one sister...if you don''t mind me asking?

And y''all should be glad you have sisters to ask. I had to ask my BROTHER to be my maid of honor!!!