Can I vent? Sad about my e-ring

[find45di2]

I can see that the feelings have shifted a bit in this thread from the beginning to now...or maybe just after digesting the situation everyone is thinking realistically and that the ring is already purchased.

I gave my ring to my girlfriend/Fiancee last night...and she said YES!!! She showed me all sorts of magazine ads in the past few months/years, but I didn't really know exactly what she wanted. One month it was a tiffany style band, the next pave, the next channel set, the next antique, the next something else, and so forth. I was being really sneaky about the whole thing because I wanted her to have ZERO clue I was even going to ask her to marry me. Forget the whole "let her come shopping and pick it out", there was none of that with me. Instead, I spent countless hours researching diamonds, going to see a million settings, and finally choosing something that I personally thought she would love.

So when I was at the jewelers, I had my mind set on building her a custom ring, or buying this one the jeweler had in stock that had a lot of the characteristics of what I wanted, but not all of them. So I carried a little doubt and figured I would buy the one in stock, which was absolutely gorgeous, but leave the option open that if she didn't really like it or wasn't in love with the setting, she could swap it out and I wouldn't take any offense.

The result? She wouldn't give that setting away for a million dollars! She fell in love with the ring the instant she saw it and is extremely happy. It is a 1.25ct round brilliant G/SI1 with 9 channel set diamonds going down a cathedral side. I reminded her again at the very end of the night that I wouldn't take any offense if she wanted to go have some fun and build a custom setting, and she denied again and again and again.

So maybe I just had better taste and chose exactly what she wanted? Or maybe she is just happy to finally have a ring on my finger. Or maybe she feels exactly like you do and just isn't saying it???jk

I will definitely agree that if you were a part of the buying process, you should have gotten exactly what you wanted. My girlfriend didn't have a choice because I was playing the sneaky part, but if I was letting her shop with me, I would have tried to make sure she got what she wanted.

Shopping for diamonds is like shopping for a house, you sometimes will either fall in love with something and have to have it, or you just want a "house" so bad you will settle for whatever is in front of you. What I have learned is that there will always be another one if the first is missed.

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

Date: 9/17/2007 7:25:12 PM
Author:bams0103
We couldn't afford the 1.5 ct so we told him that we wanted to go as large as our budget would allow, w/out compromising quality; we figured this to be 1.4 ct or just under. He warned us though that those sizes are very hard to find and I needed to be patient. YEAH RIGHT. So about a week later he called and said that he hadn't forgotten about us but he's still looking for that size stone, and that he did find a very nice 1.28 ct for us to look at if we were interested. My FI wanted to go look but I was just not into it; I had already compromised on the cut. Well it may as well have been the Hope Diamond because he thought it was the most beautiful thing he's ever seen in his life, and I was like, 'ehh'

. I wasn't that impressed; I thought it looked small. (Although I'm sure part of it was because of my salty attitude). They both looked at me like I had 2 heads and said that if I wasn't happy we could keep looking. Now the jeweler was very patient and helpful and I had no doubt he was more than willing to keep going. My FI, on the other hand, was getting very impatient with me by this point, so what did I do? Folded again. So we put a deposit down on the diamond and he said the ring would be ready in 3 weeks (he was making the setting and we had already discussed that part of it). So for 3 weeks I was trying to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't getting the original cut I wanted and I was getting a smaller ct weight than what we had originally hoped. Well the 3 weeks FINALLY came and I had a ring on my finger and cert in hand and then I found PS. UH OH

. My diamond is a steep/deep and only faces up like a 1.20 (6.9 mm average). Now some people might say that's not that big of a deal but it really upsets me that we paid that much $ for a 1.28 ct that looks like a 1.2 ct. I feel like the jeweler should've warned me that it was cut a little deeper, especially since he knew we were looking for something bigger than a 1.25 ct in the first place. I kick myself for not asking more questions about the information on the cert when he originally showed us and for not holding my ground on the cut I wanted. I really, really, want to LOVE my ring but I can't help but to think we could've had a much better quality ring for the $ we paid.

Maybe part of the dilemma may be that you really wanted a 1.50c+ and were seriously compromising with the 1.28, so to find out that your 1.28 looks like a 1.25 or less would put you even further from the picture you had in your mind. I remember when I got my 1.23ct stone, I got this size because I knew a 1ct looked small on me and I didn't want to seem greedy or selfish by going too much bigger, but everytime I saw a stone on someone that was the size I REALLY wanted (and it seemed that everywhere I looked I would see one) I would feel kinda sad. This went on for over 1 year. I too had my stone set in a setting to make it look bigger. Right before I got married, I talked to my husband about this and he was really understanding. I now have what I think is the perfect size, and finally feel at peace with the whole ring thing. (diamond size either IS important to a person or IT ISN'T) You seem like the kind of girl that it IS, so although it may not seem important to others, it is VERY important to you to have what you feel looks appropriate. (My husband was able to understand my feelings completely when I explained to him that it would be like me picking out a car or truck for him that he was going to drive FOREVER, and it not being the one he had been drooling over for a long time, but if he didn't love the one I picked out, I would take it personally, so he would have to just "suck it up" or it would mean he was being greedy and didn't love my present to him.) He totally understood my analogy and he is sooooo proud that he was able to give me exactly what I wanted, and everytime he looks at my ring, he feels like a king because he is the reason I have what I always wanted for my e-ring. A good spouse really does want you to have what you want, they just get frustrated at the shopping process and fear you may never be satisfied. BUT YOU WILL WHEN YOU GET IT RIGHT!
(some say a gift should be a compromise, I think if I give someone a gift of love, it is going to be something totally for them, people that give someone something, they the giver thinks the givee should want, sort of makes the whole "gift giving thing more about their own feelings and not about the gift being a totally unselfish token given to another to make that other happy) I agree that the e-ring is suppose to be a symbol of commitment, but is it so bad for a girl to love what if love like too.

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

, but is it so bad for a girl to love what if love like too.

suppose to say " what it looks like too."

Geez, I was on the phone while typing and didn't proof read.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 9/21/2007 3:18:13 PM
Author: hearts-arrows_girl

(some say a gift should be a compromise, I think if I give someone a gift of love, it is going to be something totally for them, people that give someone something, they the giver thinks the givee should want, sort of makes the whole ''gift giving thing more about their own feelings and not about the gift being a totally unselfish token given to another to make that other happy) I agree that the e-ring is suppose to be a symbol of commitment, but is it so bad for a girl to love what if love like too.

I agree with your entire post, but I had to quote this part especially. It''s funny, I read a book on Buddhism once and the analogy went something like this: There was a fruit that was beloved by nearly everyone in the country. They really valued this fruit. But this monk had a huge distain for it. The very smell of it made him ill. He said, if you were to give him this fruit as a gift, you would believe that you are doing something great for him, since everyone loves this fruit so much and it''s so well valued. But he said, since he does not care for it, it would be torturous to subject him to it (he was performing a Buddhist ceremony in part of this story and someone left this fruit as an offering and he had to cover it with a bowl because the smell stopped him from concentrating). The point was that a gift should come out of love for the other person. You don''t give to satisfy yourself, you give to satisfy another. I give the absolutely best xmas presents because I make it a point to listen to people all year and I get them exactly what they want/need instead of what I think they could use/like. And if I can''t figure it out and have to guess, I always include the receipt! hahaha

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

Date: 9/18/2007 6:50:10 AM
Author: bams0103
Good Morning Everyone!


Sorry I wasn't able to respond sooner but my FI came up behind me last night while I was on line and asked what I was doing.

it means that we're commited to one another.

First, this is longer than I meant for it to be and I need to go clean up the kitchen so I don't have time to edit and delete some things, sorry if some of it sounds like a mess. And sorry if I offend you in the first part. I don't have time to reread and see if I misphrased something...which I am prone to do...so my apologies in advance, though I think the primary content of my message is solid and heartfelt, I often type things in such away as to distract from the heart of my message, so hopefully you can ignore some of the poor phrasing I might would delete if I had time to do it

Well, I was going to stay out of this, but I did have something I wanted to say. When I first read this post I thought (and for the record I am a male) that he was being cruel and mean, and turning what are supposed to be sweet words into weapons, which in my mind is unacceptable. When he saw you were upset he really should have taken a moment and tried to figure out what was bothering you before saying that you were ungrateful and yadda yadda yadda. At first I also felt strongly that he should have been seeking out and placing your priorities first in this purchase. Afterall, if this ring is about your commitment to one another, then he should have taken that "committment" philosphy into account during the ring purchase and should have been ready to sacrifice and labor to get you exactly what you wanted.

Now, I am not saying his is an ogre, but if he is going to be truly committed to this relationship then he really should be committed, and do whatever is necessary to keep yoru relatoinship happy and strong--which often time means sacrificing and seeking out what your partner wants.


however, it isn't just about what your partner wants. for the relationship to be successfull you will BOTH need to be happy, and where he is lacking in his willingness to sacrifice for you, you seem lacking your wilingness to stand up for yourself. I imagine in a true committment to the relationship then when one of the members feels very strongly something then they should speak up and make sure that there opinions are heard. Afterall, if you always ignore your own opinions and sacrifice for him then the relationship is bound to be just as rocky as if you always ignore how he feels and do whatever you want.

thus, from what I read I was thinking that one lesson that you could take out of this experience is a willingness to stand up and make yourself heard. If he isn't an ogre as you said, and he is truly as committed to this relationship as he says, then I have to think that he would have been willing to bend his knee in this regard if he knew you had a strong desire. But you said yourself that you just let them push you over. If you didn't speak up for yourself then it will be extremelly difficult for anyone else to do it, and that will only cause further problems. So stand up for yourself in the future, do it with love, and with a willingness to bend when you see that has very strong feelings about something himself, but your feelings are just as important to the relationship, but you seem to have failed to communicate that during the purchasing experience.


that being said, your ring is one of my favorites I have seen on here so far maybe it was the distance you took the picture from, but d*** VERY NICE. VERY SEXY ring if I do say so.

Also, remember that mm width of ct weight is a specific number. It is true that yours is a little bit deeper than an ideal cut round, but it certainly doesn't mean that you are getting stiffed. Consider these:

http://www.goodoldgold.com/diamond/3449/ 1.24ct GIA Excellent Hearts and Arrows

http://www.abazias.com/builder/builder.asp?view=diamondsearch&flag=ps&selectedDiamond=36195823#main 1.25ct AGS0

http://www.abazias.com/builder/builder.asp?view=diamondsearch&flag=ps&selectedDiamond=36036472#main 1.26ct AGS0

http://www.whiteflash.com/hearts_arrows/A-Cut-Above-H-A-cut-diamond-50155.htm 1.256ct AGS0 White flash ACA Hearts and Arrows

So what we have here are a little bunch of top top top of the line cuts. Doesn't get any better than these cuts, they are fabulous, gorgeous, ideal. Two of them with super ideal optical symmetery.

Now true, these are 1.25 leaning a little more toward 1.26ct, not 1.28. so first of all, don't call your diamond a 1.20ct face up size. It isn't true at all. There are PLENTY of TOP PERFORMING 1.25ct+ diamonds that face up the same size as yours. Now there may be some 1.20 cts that face up the same size, and I guarentee you I can drive down to the local mall and pick up a couple of 1.4cts that face up the same as your 1.28. There simply isn't a set number for proper face up size, and even the "ideal" face up size is a RANGE of numbers, not A number.

Your's is SLIGHTLY deeper than than the ideal range allows, but it isn't anything drastic, and frankly not many diamonds make the ideal cut parameters and yours may yet be in the top % of cuts.

but I just wanted to let you know for your mind clean issues, yours faced up like numerous AGS0 Hearts and Arrows 1.24,1.25, and 1.26ct diamonds.

Oh, and for the record, I bet 1 dollar to you that if you went down to tiffanys and looked at a large sample of their 1.28ct diamonds you would find that yours is the average 1.28ct size. For whatever reason from what I have seen alot of tiffany diamonds are slightly deeper and steeper than the center of the AGS0 range.

I say, If yours is the right mm size for Tiffany, looks visually the same in your halo as a slightly shallower stone would, and faces up a petty .03cts smaller than top notch steller performing top 1-5% cut diamonds in the world, then it really isn't a problem

 

[bams0103]

WOW!! So many new replies. I''ve been out of town and not able to get my dose of PS!! As someone said, it seems like the most recent posts have differred from the 1st few. Someone also mentioned that maybe I was more upset with myself for not speaking up, and I think that''s right. As I said, I kick myself for not doing so, not the jeweler or FI for swaying me one way or the other. I know that if I would''ve told my FI that I was not 100% sold on this diamond, he would''ve understood. Like he told me the other night, I should''ve spoken up before we made the deposit. All that being said, I''m never going to mention it again to him (OK, well maybe in 15 years or so...........

.


WorkingHardforSmallRewards, you''re not the 1st person to mention the comparison of my ring to the Tiffany diamond.

Thank you everybody for your kind and honest comments, and even putting me in my place a few times!!

 

[diamondfan]

A lot of guys do go and pick something, with all the best intentions, that their fiance to be does not love. There are threads here about that for sure. Ideally, he should know what you want and what matters to you, and, within the budget and your lifestyles, be able to come up with something. I dislike the jeweler and your guy sort of railroading you. No offense to anyone here with a round, because I do love them, but they ARE more typical as ering stones, and a cushion is NOT faddish to me, at all, but lovely and a bit vintage in feeling. NEITHER is wrong or bad etc, and a good jeweler would not tell you that. I think he just wanted to sell this stone, and so he steered you away from what you wanted. And, in the scheme of life, Bams, what if, 10 years from now you were a bit tired of it and wanted an upgrade etc? I mean, is there anything in life that is guaranteed to be perfect and wonderful and exactly what we want FOREVER? That is pretty heavy duty to me. Worry about later later, and get something you love now. Is there another way to approach him that will not upset or offend him? He really should care about how you feel too, you are trying to love the ring and satisfy his feelings at the same time.

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

Date: 9/21/2007 4:35:47 PM
Author: MoonWater

The point was that a gift should come out of love for the other person. You don''t give to satisfy yourself, you give to satisfy another. I give the absolutely best xmas presents because I make it a point to listen to people all year and I get them exactly what they want/need instead of what I think they could use/like. And if I can''t figure it out and have to guess, I always include the receipt! hahaha

Moonwater, I loved your post. I do the exact same thing when I give a gift too.

 

[risingsun]

bams~I do believe you should have the ring you want, withing reason

, but I must say that your ring is stunning! If you don't love it, it's a shame to wear it with ill feelings. I can only say that for many, it would be a dream ring.

 

[winternight]

Well honestly I think it should only be your choice, within reason and budget constraints. Its not like a house that you''re both sharing. I can''t imagine my fiance calling me materialistic for waiting a certain type of ring, actually I went through this with him and actually asked him to raise his budget and told him I wanted a certain size (before everyone freaks out we''re both attorneys and he had no idea what rings cost or what was common in our circles, he is really happy to have gotten me the ring he did). I talked to my fiance about the style because I was unsure and he gave me his opinion, but only when asked.

I agree with the above longer post about how it might be good for you to speak up for what you want. And sorry to say this but a round with a halo is incredibly fadish - very pretty ring, but very trendy. I think your jewelry has a hard time sourcing those other cuts so he went with what was easier.