Can I vent? Sad about my e-ring
- Thread starter bams0103
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I don''t think you were being materialistic or childish in your vent. I think that what is bothering you is that your fiance disregarded what your heart was set on. I think deep in your heart you know that this was something that was supposed to be about YOU, but he made it about himself. Considering that this now represents how your life together began, I understand why this would bother you.
You can try to talk yourself into being okay with what happened, you can try to tell us that you are okay with what happened, but the bottom line is that the person whose job it is to satisfy (or at least try) your heart''s desires totally failed in this regard. Your fiance didn''t allow you to be yourself in this matter, nor was he supportive of you. He and the jeweler ganged up on you and talked you into the RB. Finding this board only underlined your true feelings about the stone.
Not only that, but if you had to cave on this issue, what else will you have to cave on during the marriage? How much of yourself will you have to give up to live up to his expectations? I suspect that your feelings about the stone won''t change until your fiance acknowledges that he fumbled this one. You should talk to him!
You can try to talk yourself into being okay with what happened, you can try to tell us that you are okay with what happened, but the bottom line is that the person whose job it is to satisfy (or at least try) your heart''s desires totally failed in this regard. Your fiance didn''t allow you to be yourself in this matter, nor was he supportive of you. He and the jeweler ganged up on you and talked you into the RB. Finding this board only underlined your true feelings about the stone.
Not only that, but if you had to cave on this issue, what else will you have to cave on during the marriage? How much of yourself will you have to give up to live up to his expectations? I suspect that your feelings about the stone won''t change until your fiance acknowledges that he fumbled this one. You should talk to him!
Independent Gal
Ideal_Rock
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I kind of agree that it sounds like a good chunk of the issue is that you felt your fiance wasn''t listening to you. And his reaction when you told him about your concerns last night (?) suggests that too. It sounds like you were a little bulldozed. It may not be worth bringing it up again in this context, given the sensitive feelings, but you guys have a loooong life of mutual decisions ahead of you, so maybe it''d be good to remain conscious of this, so next time, when, say, you''re deciding on a honeymoon location, and you REALLY want to go to Bali and he wants to go to Antarctica, you say ''Honey, I want you to really LISTEN to what I want.'' Otherwise, you''ll grow to resent him. He sounds like he has a forceful personality!
Hi everyone!!
uh-oh. I think I may have made him out to be an ogre. He is absolutely the most laid back, fun-loving guy you''ll ever meet. Seriously. I usually get my way with things because he says you''ve got to pick your battles and it''s easier to make me happy than to argue. I guess I lost this battle. BUT NOT THE WAR!
I admit he wasn''t as supportive as he should''ve been but the most important thing is that I love him and he makes me happy. But you''re right, the honeymoon is MY decision. I already told him we were getting married in April in Mexico. He seemd to be OK with it. I wonder if he knows he doesn''t have a choice. Payback is a B****!
uh-oh. I think I may have made him out to be an ogre. He is absolutely the most laid back, fun-loving guy you''ll ever meet. Seriously. I usually get my way with things because he says you''ve got to pick your battles and it''s easier to make me happy than to argue. I guess I lost this battle. BUT NOT THE WAR!
I am glad you feel satisfied with how this all turned out, seriously. And I do take your word that your FI is not an ogre. My husband is not an ogre either, his good qualities far outweigh his bad qualities, or I wouldn''t still be married to the guy after 23 years. BUT (warning, vent
Having said that, I HATE, HATE, HATE when my DH turns things around on me like your FI did you. For example, I can be upset about something that happened, or something he might have done that upsets me - whatever - and he turns it back around on me: it is MY fault, I am being childish, materialistic, he can''t believe I''m acting like this, blah blah. Translation: No matter what happened, my point is not valid because a) it''s my own fault, and b) therefore I have no right to be upset. It''s his defense mechanism, and it drives me crazier than crazy.
Just an advance warning from an old married lady to watch out for future issues like this.
(OH, THAT''S RIGHT, THIS IS A DIAMOND DISCUSSION FORUM, ISN''T IT? SORRY
)
Mishy
Having said that, I HATE, HATE, HATE when my DH turns things around on me like your FI did you. For example, I can be upset about something that happened, or something he might have done that upsets me - whatever - and he turns it back around on me: it is MY fault, I am being childish, materialistic, he can''t believe I''m acting like this, blah blah. Translation: No matter what happened, my point is not valid because a) it''s my own fault, and b) therefore I have no right to be upset. It''s his defense mechanism, and it drives me crazier than crazy.
Just an advance warning from an old married lady to watch out for future issues like this.
(OH, THAT''S RIGHT, THIS IS A DIAMOND DISCUSSION FORUM, ISN''T IT? SORRY
Mishy
LOL! OMG!! you''re married to my FI! yeah, we''ll be arguing about XYZ and he throws out a comment about ABC and I''m like, "where the h*** did that come from? what does that have to do with XYZ?! it''s just for lack of anything else to say because he knows I''m right, which he''ll never admit to. HA!
BTW, what does DH stand for? Dear husband, darling husband, d*** husband? There are a lot of juicy words that can be made with those 3 "***"
BTW, what does DH stand for? Dear husband, darling husband, d*** husband? There are a lot of juicy words that can be made with those 3 "***"
niceice
Brilliant_Rock
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- Jan 29, 2003
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Hi Bams,
Well, everybody here knows that I enjoy a good VENT on occasion, sometimes it really helps to write things down and let them spin off. How many times have I flared a response here in the text box on PS and been really happy that it can all be selected and deleted at will? Flame this, flame that, breath, breath, yea... A lot
Within reason, I think that you should get what you want in terms of an engagement ring... You''re going to be wearing and looking at it for quite some time, so it should be something that you like. Perhaps the jewelry store offers a trade-up policy that when combined with your new found knowledge here on PS will enable you to select the diamond of your dreams. Although the jeweler might not like the idea of having to find you the perfect stone, the odds are that he has access to the multiple listings used by the trade and he / she can find such a stone with enough insight into what you are looking for... Be sure to specify things like:
Shape: cushion or asscher (or round if that''s still an option)*
Color:
Fluorescence:
Clarity:
Length to Width ratio: (how square do you want your asscher to be - pretty square I''d say)
Polish / Symmetry:
Inclusions - let him know in advance if you''re not keen on knots, cavities or twinning wisps (uh yea, not so much...)
* if round, I''d let him know what is acceptable to you in terms of the range of total depth, table diameter, crown angle, pavilion angle, girdle thickness, etc. if asscher, I''d be like "hey buddy, I expect the concentric squares to be visible and aligned properly..." think Ex / Ex.
Be specific. This IS your party
If the jeweler kicks up a fuss, you could always (politely) remind him that you came to him for his experience in expertise and relied on him to help select you a spectacular diamond, if you wanted something poorly cut - you could have gone to a "maul store" - wouldn''t it have been nice if he provided a little of the education that you''ve found here on PS from the beginning? Education is the Key to Customer Satisfaction, providing customers with the opportunity to choose which characteristics of a diamond are important to them seems to eliminate so much of the buyer''s remorse dilemma - it has certainly been worth our time!
Well, everybody here knows that I enjoy a good VENT on occasion, sometimes it really helps to write things down and let them spin off. How many times have I flared a response here in the text box on PS and been really happy that it can all be selected and deleted at will? Flame this, flame that, breath, breath, yea... A lot
Within reason, I think that you should get what you want in terms of an engagement ring... You''re going to be wearing and looking at it for quite some time, so it should be something that you like. Perhaps the jewelry store offers a trade-up policy that when combined with your new found knowledge here on PS will enable you to select the diamond of your dreams. Although the jeweler might not like the idea of having to find you the perfect stone, the odds are that he has access to the multiple listings used by the trade and he / she can find such a stone with enough insight into what you are looking for... Be sure to specify things like:
Shape: cushion or asscher (or round if that''s still an option)*
Color:
Fluorescence:
Clarity:
Length to Width ratio: (how square do you want your asscher to be - pretty square I''d say)
Polish / Symmetry:
Inclusions - let him know in advance if you''re not keen on knots, cavities or twinning wisps (uh yea, not so much...)
* if round, I''d let him know what is acceptable to you in terms of the range of total depth, table diameter, crown angle, pavilion angle, girdle thickness, etc. if asscher, I''d be like "hey buddy, I expect the concentric squares to be visible and aligned properly..." think Ex / Ex.
Be specific. This IS your party
If the jeweler kicks up a fuss, you could always (politely) remind him that you came to him for his experience in expertise and relied on him to help select you a spectacular diamond, if you wanted something poorly cut - you could have gone to a "maul store" - wouldn''t it have been nice if he provided a little of the education that you''ve found here on PS from the beginning? Education is the Key to Customer Satisfaction, providing customers with the opportunity to choose which characteristics of a diamond are important to them seems to eliminate so much of the buyer''s remorse dilemma - it has certainly been worth our time!
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As others have said, the difference in size is so negligible (1.28 faces up like a 1.25 ct) so that''s not really the issue. Maybe you are bent out of shape because you didn''t get to pick the shape. Only you can know whether you felt truly railroaded and the shape is something you can''t get over (they are 2 very different looks), vs changing our mind which are wont to do, then changing it back after the fact
but not that big of a deal in the scheme of things.
If it is the first, I guess it is sooner rather than later to address it. So, maybe it''s not too late, you can find your asscher. Sit down and talk to your fiance. One engagement ring is less expensive than 2. Be prepared that it may be a longer more complicated search to find the right asscher, but if it''s important to you, you can do it.
(my 2 cents, sounds like a beautiful ring. Ironically there are a couple recent posts from people with asschers switching to rounds for the following reasons: easier to find an ideal cut, bigger for same carat size, more brilliant, also hide clarity/color issues better.)
If it is the first, I guess it is sooner rather than later to address it. So, maybe it''s not too late, you can find your asscher. Sit down and talk to your fiance. One engagement ring is less expensive than 2. Be prepared that it may be a longer more complicated search to find the right asscher, but if it''s important to you, you can do it.
(my 2 cents, sounds like a beautiful ring. Ironically there are a couple recent posts from people with asschers switching to rounds for the following reasons: easier to find an ideal cut, bigger for same carat size, more brilliant, also hide clarity/color issues better.)
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hi bams, just wanted to say i support your feelings. after all, other jewelry will come and go but our wedding set is something we anticipate wearing and loving now and for the rest of our marriage. that''s a tall order! it sounds as though your fiance and jeweler acted more in the name of efficiency than in the name of magic and romance, and i would be disappointed by that too.
just wanted to mention... the halo WILL make your diamond appear larger so hopefully that helps. also, you could always opt to change the setting to a rounded square halo or an octagonal halo with your dimaond prong set in it to make it appear more like the shapes of the stones you really wanted.
just wanted to mention... the halo WILL make your diamond appear larger so hopefully that helps. also, you could always opt to change the setting to a rounded square halo or an octagonal halo with your dimaond prong set in it to make it appear more like the shapes of the stones you really wanted.
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I hope this works out for you. Most of around here really feel that the girl needs input, whether direct or indirect. She is the one who needs to love the ring since she is the one who will have to wear it! If my husband had surprised me with a ring that I did not like, it would have been extremely disappointing. Thankfully we went shopping and looked at rings so he would know what I liked.Date: 9/17/2007 9:51:17 PM
Author: find45di2
This is exactly what I did....but you can only get so much information
I would think that it would be better to be completely surprised. If my GF knew I was as close to shopping as I am I would feel like it wasn''t as special as its going to be. I can''t wait to see the look on her face since she has no clue!!!!
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To you, Bams, I say you have every right to feel that way. You were pressured into something you were not sure you wanted. I will say that since size is an issue for you, I think you would have been really unhappy with the smaller face-up size of an asscher or cushion. But a larger rb is always a nice option!
Just remember my motto next time, "when in doubt, don''t." Wait for the sure thing, and always use a vendor with a lifetime upgrade policy for when you change your mind!
Just remember my motto next time, "when in doubt, don''t." Wait for the sure thing, and always use a vendor with a lifetime upgrade policy for when you change your mind!
curiopotter
Brilliant_Rock
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- Dec 27, 2006
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Either send them to the PS Admin [email protected]
or take them into a picture viewer; most people have Microsoft Paint. Click Image, Stretch and Skew, and minimize the percents to 50, or 20, or whatever it takes to get your file size down. Save the image, and open the folder it''s in. Right-click for Properties and check the file size. It should be under 100kb.
Hope that helps.
If all else fails, just email the admin.
or take them into a picture viewer; most people have Microsoft Paint. Click Image, Stretch and Skew, and minimize the percents to 50, or 20, or whatever it takes to get your file size down. Save the image, and open the folder it''s in. Right-click for Properties and check the file size. It should be under 100kb.
Hope that helps.
If all else fails, just email the admin.
I think I understand how you feel. I compromised on so many things, from shape to amount spent, to setting, to size. We basically just bought the first thing that came along that we both liked that was in our budget. For some reason I thought it was important that he like it as well. But after him picking his rings (which I''m not overly fond of) I realised what an idiot thing it was to compromise on what I wanted because he didn''t like it.
And 3 years later, I still don''t like it.
Your ring is quite pretty. I''d love to see the halo face-on.
And 3 years later, I still don''t like it.
Your ring is quite pretty. I''d love to see the halo face-on.
Oh, the halo size is perfect for the size of the center stone!
He knows, we''re married and live in a one-bedroom apartment so it''s hard to hide much, but not because I''ve told him. I try to hide it and clean it up nice and occasionally gush over it. When I do he gets excited and says "I''m glad you *actually* like it". So I recommend doing that on a regular basis, keeps him happy. My DH, like your''s, thinks it''s the thought that count. In addition, he doesn''t understand upgrades...or larger stones (he thinks mine is large at less than 1/2 carat)...or why I like them when they serve no practical purpose.
Your ring really is pretty...and there''s honestly not much difference in a 1.25 to 1.28. Although I stick by my gushing about your ring to him at regular intervals
(even though it''s lying in my case)
He knows, we''re married and live in a one-bedroom apartment so it''s hard to hide much, but not because I''ve told him. I try to hide it and clean it up nice and occasionally gush over it. When I do he gets excited and says "I''m glad you *actually* like it". So I recommend doing that on a regular basis, keeps him happy. My DH, like your''s, thinks it''s the thought that count. In addition, he doesn''t understand upgrades...or larger stones (he thinks mine is large at less than 1/2 carat)...or why I like them when they serve no practical purpose.
Your ring really is pretty...and there''s honestly not much difference in a 1.25 to 1.28. Although I stick by my gushing about your ring to him at regular intervals
Thanks for understanding!
I''ll keep that strategy in mind....Keep the peace right?! Like I said, I''m just mad that it faces up like a 1.2, rather than the 1.28 we paid for. You''d think he''d understand that, but to him size doesn''t matter (silly little boy...
) Maybe on your 5th anniversary you can start making hints. GOOD LUCK!
I''ll keep that strategy in mind....Keep the peace right?! Like I said, I''m just mad that it faces up like a 1.2, rather than the 1.28 we paid for. You''d think he''d understand that, but to him size doesn''t matter (silly little boy...
shminbabe
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2007
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- 364
Bams,
Your ring is really beautiful. You have to get past this. It's a large stone at 1 and one quarter carats, plus a lovely band and a halo. I can see the arrows in your photo! You really are obessing over nothing and I can see where your fiance would feel a bit put out by it all. I think I'm in the minority here and I really don't intend to be mean but as someone who is older and has been married a while and has been childish herself (just bein' honest
) I think your attitude about this ring is a bit petulant. Believe me, I understand when things are disappointing and when you had a different idea about something. I hope you can truly forget about it not being exactly what you wanted and it facing up a couple of millimeters smaller than its carat weight. I'm sure it cost a small fortune and it really is a beautiful ring so when he hears you complain about it I'm sure it really rubs him the wrong way. So you didn't speak up when you had the chance, and now you have a large stone w/ a gorgeous setting and your husband to be hopes and rightfully expects you to be happy and excited. Your ring is very pretty.
I hope you can see that I wish you well and I completely understand your initial feelings...but if there is no changing it (and I DO think it's worth preserving his feeling about it because it's so important to be giving in a marriage) then embrace it and love it. You have said he's a wonderful guy and that he didn't really force this ring on you; you just didn't speak up. I would not give one hint of dissatisfaction ever again about this ring or you might risk a serious hurt so early in your married life together. Whoever advised you to verbalize your love for this ring is right! Then make it a reality for yourself, too. Don't allow yourself to dwell on the 'what ifs'. It's over and done with now. You had your rant, we DO understand. Now go and love your ring!!
with all good intentions,
Your ring is really beautiful. You have to get past this. It's a large stone at 1 and one quarter carats, plus a lovely band and a halo. I can see the arrows in your photo! You really are obessing over nothing and I can see where your fiance would feel a bit put out by it all. I think I'm in the minority here and I really don't intend to be mean but as someone who is older and has been married a while and has been childish herself (just bein' honest
I hope you can see that I wish you well and I completely understand your initial feelings...but if there is no changing it (and I DO think it's worth preserving his feeling about it because it's so important to be giving in a marriage) then embrace it and love it. You have said he's a wonderful guy and that he didn't really force this ring on you; you just didn't speak up. I would not give one hint of dissatisfaction ever again about this ring or you might risk a serious hurt so early in your married life together. Whoever advised you to verbalize your love for this ring is right! Then make it a reality for yourself, too. Don't allow yourself to dwell on the 'what ifs'. It's over and done with now. You had your rant, we DO understand. Now go and love your ring!!
with all good intentions,
togal
Brilliant_Rock
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- Feb 20, 2006
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- 593
I agree with Shminbabe --Date: 9/19/2007 5:48:03 PM
Author: shminbabe
Bams,
Your ring is really beautiful. You have to get past this. It''s a large stone at 1 and one quarter carats, plus a lovely band and a halo. I can see the arrows in your photo! You really are obessing over nothing and I can see where your fiance would feel a bit put out by it all. I think I''m in the minority here and I really don''t intend to be mean but as someone who is older and has been married a while and has been childish herself (just bein'' honest) I think your attitude about this ring is a bit petulant. Believe me, I understand when things are disappointing and when you had a different idea about something. I hope you can truly forget about it not being exactly what you wanted and it facing up a couple of millimeters smaller than its carat weight. I''m sure it cost a small fortune and it really is a beautiful ring so when he hears you complain about it I''m sure it really rubs him the wrong way. So you didn''t speak up when you had the chance, and now you have a large stone w/ a gorgeous setting and your husband to be hopes and rightfully expects you to be happy and excited. Your ring is very pretty.
I hope you can see that I wish you well and I completely understand your initial feelings...but if there is no changing it (and I DO think it''s worth preserving his feeling about it because it''s so important to be giving in a marriage) then embrace it and love it. You have said he''s a wonderful guy and that he didn''t really force this ring on you; you just didn''t speak up. I would not give one hint of dissatisfaction ever again about this ring or you might risk a serious hurt so early in your married life together. Whoever advised you to verbalize your love for this ring is right! Then make it a reality for yourself, too. Don''t allow yourself to dwell on the ''what ifs''. It''s over and done with now. You had your rant, we DO understand. Now go and love your ring!!
with all good intentions,
I think many people forget that the engagement ring is a gift that the man gives to the woman. Since he is the purchaser of the this very expensive gift, I believe that he should have some say in what is chosen. I find that my husband enjoys my jewellery as much as I do.....well, he could NEVER enjoy it as much as I do, as a matter of fact, I''m sure he''d be thrilled if I didn''t care about jewellery....but since I do, he makes the best of it and tries to get some enjoyment out of it too. It''s one of many compromises you and your future husband will make.
Besides, even if you ended up with the asscher or cushion, you may see something else down the line that you like better and wish you had that instead. I''ve often tried on rings at jewellery stores and wish I could go back and start over. The fact is, your ring is spectacular. It''s a good size, enhanced by the beautiful diamond halo. It''s a real stunner. Enjoy it.
Good luck to you.
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- Jul 21, 2006
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- 7,367
Gypsy
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 8, 2005
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- 40,225
Ditto...
Date: 9/19/2007 5:48:03 PM
Author: shminbabe
Bams,
Your ring is really beautiful. You have to get past this. It''s a large stone at 1 and one quarter carats, plus a lovely band and a halo. I can see the arrows in your photo! You really are obessing over nothing and I can see where your fiance would feel a bit put out by it all. I think I''m in the minority here and I really don''t intend to be mean but as someone who is older and has been married a while and has been childish herself (just bein'' honest) I think your attitude about this ring is a bit petulant. Believe me, I understand when things are disappointing and when you had a different idea about something. I hope you can truly forget about it not being exactly what you wanted and it facing up a couple of millimeters smaller than its carat weight. I''m sure it cost a small fortune and it really is a beautiful ring so when he hears you complain about it I''m sure it really rubs him the wrong way. So you didn''t speak up when you had the chance, and now you have a large stone w/ a gorgeous setting and your husband to be hopes and rightfully expects you to be happy and excited. Your ring is very pretty.
I hope you can see that I wish you well and I completely understand your initial feelings...but if there is no changing it (and I DO think it''s worth preserving his feeling about it because it''s so important to be giving in a marriage) then embrace it and love it. You have said he''s a wonderful guy and that he didn''t really force this ring on you; you just didn''t speak up. I would not give one hint of dissatisfaction ever again about this ring or you might risk a serious hurt so early in your married life together. Whoever advised you to verbalize your love for this ring is right! Then make it a reality for yourself, too. Don''t allow yourself to dwell on the ''what ifs''. It''s over and done with now. You had your rant, we DO understand. Now go and love your ring!!
with all good intentions,
Freakazoid
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- Sep 10, 2007
- Messages
- 46
I agree with the minority here and I''m glad some people actually voiced it.
If a guy is spending quite literally a small fortune into a ring, why shouldn''t he get SOME say in it? There WILL be some compromise, definitely not a LOT, but there''s guaranteed to be some compromise. Otherwise it is not a GIFT. It''s you simply using his money for what YOU want, not what you both want. If it''s meant to symbolize the first of a ''bond'', why shouldn''t it be a joint decision as well.
But that''s just me
If a guy is spending quite literally a small fortune into a ring, why shouldn''t he get SOME say in it? There WILL be some compromise, definitely not a LOT, but there''s guaranteed to be some compromise. Otherwise it is not a GIFT. It''s you simply using his money for what YOU want, not what you both want. If it''s meant to symbolize the first of a ''bond'', why shouldn''t it be a joint decision as well.
But that''s just me
decodelighted
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2005
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- 11,534
Just keep telling yourself that it faces up like a TWO CARAT ASSCHER and maybe that'll help. SERIOUSLY, the couple hundred dollar difference you're talking about between the cost of a 1.2 ct stone and a 1.28 that "faces up like a 1.2 ct stone" is
a) not worth stressing about
b) not worth p***sing off your new FIANCE over
c) NOT FREAKING VISIBLE once the stone is set, ahem, INTO A HALO (what -- it would overlap the halo by the width of a sheet of paper more??? The HALO wouldn't be any bigger??)
This is a mental thing you just have to get over. The feeling of being "cheated" by the jeweler. Being "had". It probably reminds you of something in your past or it wouldn't jump out at you and taint this experience.
In your future wedded relationship there are going to be a lot of "pick your battles" moments & COMPROMISE. Get used to it!
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Past, Present, Future: The Meaning of Three-Stone Engagement Rings
Past, Present, Future: The Meaning of Three-Stone Engagement Rings - 04/14
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