Home Calling New England Lady

[prettylnpink419]

Hello! I was hoping that you could share you and your DH''s with me. I''ve read bits and pieces of it in other threads but wasn''t able to find a thread where you shared it all. I understand if you don''t. I''m just really looking for some perspective with my own relationship and while I know everyone''s relationships are different and have different outcomes, my SO sounds so much like your DH. I''d really appreciate it because I''ve always admired you for being so strong during your time apart and honestly, I''m hoping to channel some of that strength and to get to a place where I can accept that if he really loves me he''ll come back and if not then it is for the best so I can move on.

 

[janinegirly]

pretty: NEL is a great resource and wiil share as soon as she reads this I''m sure...but maybe you can give the gist of your situation? Apologies if you already shared somewhere else..

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Hey, PiP, I''m happy to share my story...I''m in the middle of a long meeting right now and can''t type, but will give you a concise recap as soon as I can. In the meantime, would you like to share a bit about your relationship/SO? Are you thinking of leaving or have you already left? Remember that leaving is about you--about your goals, about being a healthy person and opening yourself up to a relationship that meets 100% of your needs.

 

[prettylnpink419]

Thanks, Janine.

We''ve been together 3 years this June. He is 28 and I am 27. I have loved him from the very beginning. Things started out great. Everyone would tell us how great we were together. After about a year we started talking about engagement. He took me to look at rings, I''d send him pictures, etc. Nothing happened. He was unemployed for about 9 months and struggled financially. When we met, he still lived with his parents. About a year and a half ago he started renting a room from his cousin. We talked then about moving in together and he wasn''t ready. This year we agreed that moving in together made sense. We discussed it, I spoke with my landlord and we had made the plan to move in together at my place for about 2 months while we looked for a place together. He stayed here ALL the time because he was so miserable at his cousins because they weren''t getting along.

About 4 days before he was supposed to move, we had a huge blow out fight about something stupid and he left angry. He called and said he couldn''t live with me, it wasn''t right and he wasn''t ready. He always told me he didn''t want to live together before marriage or at the very least engagement, but then his opinion supposedly changed this year. So he told me the decision was already made and the wheels were already in motion and that he was moving into an apartment a guy he works with is renting out. It is about 35 miles from where I live but really close to work. He had looked at that place months earlier but decided not to go through with it because he was afraid it would pull us apart and he wanted to prepare to take the next step with me. So he told me he needed time, time to be alone and really think and that he didn''t want to see anyone else but that he wanted time away. I was devastated and confused and hurt that he lied about being ready.

After 3 days he reached out to me and said he wanted to meet and talk. I was hesitant and told him I wanted to be respectful of his wishes and to give him the time he needed and that I didn''t want my emotions to get in the way. He was insistent he was ready to talk. He told me he was afraid to tell me he wasn''t ready and that if he didn''t move in with him I would break up with him and he didn''t want to lose me. We talked for hours about what we needed to work on and change. And how we just can''t not be with on another. I''ve started to focus a lot on myself and doing things for me and not being available whenever he wants me all the time. He moved into his new place last week and I was supportive, even though it still hurt. Over the past month we celebrated his birthday, and we seemed to be getting back on track but put a lot of our conversations on hold until the move happened and until we could really see how that changed things. We talked about making plans with each other and to get back to dating one another.

Over the weekend I brought dinner up to his place and we got into a stupid argument about how protective he was over an old table he got from his grandfather''s house (he just passed away in December) and how I wish that he would be that protective over things at my place. He was tired from work that day and I was still hurting, it was not a good situation. Needless to say, he asked me to leave so he could go to bed because he had to be up early for work. The next day was Easter and I got a text wishing me a Happy Easter and that was it. He was working 6am-6pm that day but I really thought I''d hear from him that night. It was tough because it was the first holiday throughout our relationship that we didn''t get to spend together. I got a text later that night saying he was going to bed and would talk to me the next day.

Yesterday I asked him if we could get together Tuesday night/Wednesday morning to spend some time together. He said he was free Tues night but had plans on Wednesday with a friend. He asked if he could come over last night and I said no, that it wasn''t a good night. I had things to do around the house, etc. He said he still needed to move his stereo surround sound from my place and wanted to come get that last night then and would only need a few minutes. I told him we had planned on moving it together Tuesday night and that it wasn''t a good night last night. He accused me of having some other guy over, which is crazy. I got upset and told him I can''t do this anymore. He said I was unbelievable and would be over to get his stuff. I told him fine to just come over so we could talk, obviously I didn''t want to end our relationship, I''m just frustrated and hurting and feeling excluded from this exciting new experience he is having.

He came over, I tried to give him a hug and he pushed me away and said I wouldn''t want to hug him after I heard what he had to say. He told me that it was over and that it just isn''t fair to me because he isn''t sure about our relationship. He said he really loves me and that this was so hard for him. He cried, he was so sad. It took him 3.5 hours to pack everything up that he needed to move and he cried off and on the whole time. He hugged me and told me he loves me. He said I''m his best friend and he doesn''t know how he''s going to go on without me but that it''s for the best and it''s not working. I cried and cried, I told him about why I appreciate him, what I''m afraid of, what I need and want and what I want to give him. At one point during the packing of equipment he stopped and cried and then said "I just need to do this, this stuff needs to move to my place either way so I just need to get it done." Which made me believe that he was questioning his decision. I asked him if he was sure and he told me part of him will always want to work at our relationship but that he had to do this, he needed to end it. We talked about our favorite memories together. We cried. We talked about how we don''t know how to not be together. Then finally we were hugging and crying and he pushed me away and said he had to leave, that he just can''t and that seeing me like that hurts that much more and that I''m obviously having a harder time than he is with it, even though it is hard for him. Then he contradicted himself and said that isn''t true, that he said that cause he thought it would be easier for me. But that it is just as hard for him and that he has no one else and feels so alone. I just can''t understand why he''s leaving me. I hugged him one last time outside at his car and we both cried and had a hard time letting go of each other and said how hard it would be to know that we''ll never see each other again. He said he wants me to be happy and to find someone that can give me more than him. I told him I never wanted more, I just wanted him. I told him not to come back, not to ever come back unless he knew he couldn''t live without me and wanted a future with me but to please just let me move on otherwise.

I know I need to let go of the possibility that he''ll come back, I just can''t yet. We''ve separated before but it''s always been a couple of days before he comes back. So it is so hard for me to believe that this could really be it. My mom told me that you can''t lose something you never had and if he loves me, he''ll be back. If he doesn''t love me then he''ll move on and this will be the best thing for me instead of wasting my time on someone who can''t really love. She said this had to happy or things would have never changed with us and he would have never been grown up enough to make a commitment. I believe that. Or atleast I want to believe that. But right now my heart just hurts so deeply and I just want to somehow reach him and get him to understand that if this decision hurts us both so badly then it obviously can''t be right. I tried to reach out to him today but he told me that he''s sorry but to please leave him alone. That he is hurting enough but this is over and to not make it harder than it already is. That he''s sorry but this is what he wants and is best.
I know that this post is so all over the place but my mind is all over the place. I can''t rationalize this or accept it, or let go. I appreciate anyone that has read this far and for any words of encouragement you might provide.

NEL-- I know our stories aren''t the same and I know I can''t hold out hope that mine will end as positively as yours but I just wanted to read it again and at least for today, to help me get through today and today alone have something to hope for.

My 27th birthday in 2 weeks from yesterday, I graduate in a month. I know that if I don''t hear from him on either day than it probably is really over because he knows how much it kills me that I won''t get to celebrate with him - my best friend, I just want to get to those dates already. I feel like both will make me stronger and more accepting of this decision.

 

[prettylnpink419]

Thanks, NEL! I haven''t left, he left me. I just can''t let go of the thought that he might come back. I know that you moved on and were happy with the decisions you made when he came back but I don''t know how to get there. I know our relationship has its problems but I always thought they were worth working out and I never imagined either of us would actually be able to walk away. But he did.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Prettyinpink I am not NEL but I have been in dramatic relationships with men who could not committ, and I have felt the deep sting of insecurity. I want to share with you some wisdom that I learned, and wish I had known and really accepted earlier in my life -- good relationships are not hard. They do not make you cry on the bathroom floor. You do not spend all your time agonizing over his feelings, and you do not spend hours talking about your relationship and the same darn issues over and over again. It is possible that if you two are apart for a good long time you will both mature and come together as better people. But for now, I suggest you close that door and work on yourself and your own goals and being happy single. It is possible

And then as soon as you are happy and fulfilled in your own life, you will meet someone new who wants to be with you with all his heart. Perhaps that someone "new" will be your SO, all grown up and ready to start being a man. More likely it will really be someone new. But you know what? I really doubt that you will still want to be with your SO anymore once you find peace within yourself.

 

[prettylnpink419]

Thanks, Dreamer. I appreciate it. I''m just so hurt and am having such a hard time believing that he truly wants to walk away. I thought we were building a future together, turns out I was and he wasn''t. I never thought he''d hurt me like this.

It is going to take everything in me to not show up at his place tonight and try to talk things out. Part of me things it would work and the other part of me things it''ll just make him angry and won''t solve anything.

I know there is no quick fix but I just can''t let go of the hope that with a little elbow grease something that used to be so great and is a little rusty and beat up can''t be turned in to something beautiful again. Ugh, I wish the tears would stop.

 

[janinegirly]

PIP: Thanks for sharing. I''m not NEL, but hope you don''t mind me chiming in. I''m sorry you are going through so much pain--the first few days and weeks are the worst. The best thing to do is to try to take it day by day so as to get over the initial hurt and shock. You will have better perspective after that.

I can telll you that as a 3rd party reading this--it sounds like your bf is a bit selfish/immature. It seems that everything he has done has been on his terms and about his needs. Then he tells you it''s for your own good so that you feel somehow responsible (or he can feel less guilty). I''m sure he cares for you--it''s been 3 years afterall--but to lie about his intentions (to move in) and then not be honest is unfair. Then he tops it off with demanding talks when he feels the need but then shutting you down when you need to talk. I''m afraid he really has been breaking up with you slowly since he wasn''t strong enough otherwise and maybe part of him wanted to hold onto you too for his own benefit (i.e. when he accused you of having another guy over,etc.).

I know it''s hard to absorb this now or even want to deal with the possibile finality, but I think DD is right in that this is one that is not worth fighting for--especially when he is not responsive. While there''s a chance your (ex) bf will contact you or even possibly try to get back together at some point, it will likely be a downward spiral which eventually leads to break up again, so the best thing to do is to try to get over the heartbreak so you can start to open yourself up to more people and some real happiness from a real relationship. Hanging onto the thought of what could have been or will he come back will make you miserable. I think we''ve all been there at one point or another. Please try to surround yourself with friends and distractions in the meantime--it''s the best way to get through those early days. And post here!

NEL will have her own insight, but hope you don''t mind me expressing my thoughts.

 

[cara]

Ahh prettyinpink, what a heartwrenching story. But dreamer is right, good relationships are NOT that much work, not that early and over basic fundamentals like do you like the other person enough to stay with them. No matter what he says, you ex is talking with his feet and moving on. As much as it hurts, consider him gone and get on with healing yourself and finding your own happiness without him. If he comes back you may decide you are done with this drama (or maybe he will have grown up some and warrant another chance) but either way waiting for him to come back is no way to live now. You don''t want someone that is so wishy-washy on you, its emotional torture. Breakups suck but maybe next time you will be stronger and wiser and luckier and find a man that is more able to fully commit to you (or at least consistently articulate his feelings).

Take care of yourself!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 4/6/2010 12:49:40 PM
Author: prettylnpink419
Thanks, Dreamer. I appreciate it. I''m just so hurt and am having such a hard time believing that he truly wants to walk away. I thought we were building a future together, turns out I was and he wasn''t. I never thought he''d hurt me like this.

It is going to take everything in me to not show up at his place tonight and try to talk things out. Part of me things it would work and the other part of me things it''ll just make him angry and won''t solve anything.

I know there is no quick fix but I just can''t let go of the hope that with a little elbow grease something that used to be so great and is a little rusty and beat up can''t be turned in to something beautiful again. Ugh, I wish the tears would stop.

You should not have to convince someone to be with you. You deserve more. You are worth more.

I have been in your exact shoes. Trust me, there is better for you out there. And in five years when you are married with a baby and living the life you always wanted, you ex will start sniffing around again and he will still be single or will be dating a woman 10 years younger than him and you will see him for the loser he always was. Or wait, maybe that was just my experience.

When you have the urge to go crawling to him again, force yourself to do something else. I enjoyed sitting on my couch eating fudgesicles and watching the entire series of Sex and the City when I was coping with my breakup. Maybe you will too?

 

[rhbgirl24]

Aww I'm sorry you have to go through all this. I'm not sure if my insight will help you but I thought I would give it anyway.

I have been with my husband for 13 years, only 6 months married. We started dating when I was 15, he is all I have ever known really. We met in high school, dealt with going to seperate colleges and the stresses of being 9 hours away from each other. When I lost where I was living and had no place to go, and couldn't afford a nice place on my own, we moved in together, but he didn't seem quite ready. He did it, but not sure he would have gotten his own place if it wasn't for me.

It took him FOREVER to propose. Dont get me wrong, I know he was there for me, but I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to just do it if he loved me, wanted to be with me. I had spent so much time, so much of ME invested in him. There were times where it seemed what we wanted in life was SO different. He never really saw himself married, I always did. But once again I had so much invested in him and really didn't know any other way to live, that I couldn't give up. We see things so differently even know, and when things get stressed in our lives, that comes out.

But neither one of us wanted to lose the other person. We have found that we needed to give each other time to grow w/o getting in the way of the other. I have had to learn that he takes MUCH longer than me in making decisions big and small. I jump in, head first, and he reviews and reviews and reviews every little thing. It drives me nuts! He realized he did really want to marry me and have a life with me and got there himself (of course I did have an opinion on the issue, but I tried not to push it.)

However as soon as I learned this and was OK with the fact that that is just him, and I'm not going to change it, things got a lot less stressful for me. We learned to compromise - me giving him some extra time, and him letting me help make the decision.
He did propose and now we are happily married, but we had some MAJOR ups and downs to get here, and sometimes I fall to my old ways of just pushing him a long and sometimes he falls to tuning me out, but we make it work, in the hard earned ways we have found.

I think my point is is I gave up A LOT of myself in the beginning in waiting for him to be ready. I dont regret that one little bit, but I am just one person with one outcome. I cannot tell you if waiting for him would be worth it to you - that is only something that you can figure out. But I know a lot of people on here would automatically say "move on" and I am proof that sometimes sticking with it, even when there is sacrifice, gets you soooooooooooo much more in return and we've come to the point where I am not giving up any of myself anymore.

 

[sbde]

Date: 4/6/2010 12:28:51 PM
Author: dreamer_d
Prettyinpink I am not NEL but I have been in dramatic relationships with men who could not committ, and I have felt the deep sting of insecurity. I want to share with you some wisdom that I learned, and wish I had known and really accepted earlier in my life -- good relationships are not hard. They do not make you cry on the bathroom floor. You do not spend all your time agonizing over his feelings, and you do not spend hours talking about your relationship and the same darn issues over and over again. It is possible that if you two are apart for a good long time you will both mature and come together as better people. But for now, I suggest you close that door and work on yourself and your own goals and being happy single. It is possible

And then as soon as you are happy and fulfilled in your own life, you will meet someone new who wants to be with you with all his heart. Perhaps that someone ''new'' will be your SO, all grown up and ready to start being a man. More likely it will really be someone new. But you know what? I really doubt that you will still want to be with your SO anymore once you find peace within yourself.

great advice DD

prettyinpink, i am sorry you are going through this.

 

[lilyfoot]

prettyInpink, obviously I''m not NEL either, but I just wanted to let you know that I read your (entire) post, and you will be in my thoughts.

I, too, have been "there". In a long-term relationship with a guy who won''t fully commit himself to the relationship. I remember the excruciating emotional pain, the hopelessness, the sorrow, that causes. It is a very difficult thing to deal with, especially when you love that person as much as you obviously love your ex. It is not easy to tear yourself from someone who has been in your life for the past 3+ years, but it is necessary.

Take this time to do what''s best for yourself. Don''t let his actions dictate your life. Immerse yourself in your school, work, friends, hobbies, exercise, family, pets, etc. I know it''s easier said than done, and I know you feel like it''ll never get better. I know you feel like you will never care for someone as much as you do him, you won''t have the same type of relationship and friendship as you do with him, but you will. It is my experience that it really does happen when you least expect it.

There is someone out there who will long to be with you the same way you will long to be with them. There is someone out there that will be excited to take the steps of progression in a relationship with you. There is someone out there that wants to share their life with you.

Good luck, and please keep posting.

 

[zipzapgirl]

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time

The ladies here have given excellent perspectives.

I just wanted to highlight that you should try to go radio silent for a while while he figures it out. I know it might feel like you need to keep letting him know that you still want to be with him, but i think that that''s abundantly clear to him. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is work on yourself for a bit and get him out of your mind.

The first few days really are the worst, but hang in there!


A heart can be broken, but it will keep beating just the same.
~ Fried Green Tomatoes

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I just wrote a 1,657-word recap of my situation, but to be honest, 90% was irrelvant to your situation, so I just completely revised it. This the more concise version:

PHASE I--HONEYMOON
D and I met when we were young--I was 18 and a college freshman and he was 19 and a college graduate. We thought we were mature, but the bottom line was when it came to love, we were idiots. We discussed a marriage timeline before moving in together, but it was all very long-term since I was focused on finishing school and starting my career. I didn''t think about it again for years.

PHASE II--AVOIDING THE INEVITABLE
I started bringing up marriage more seriously when I was around 24. I had graduated, was content in my career. He was stable in his career, blah blah blah. He started hemming nad hawing and I began to see the writing on the wall. I didn''t want to believe it, thought we were still "young", but signs are signs. I became insecure, brought it up to0 much and "engagement" became a bad word in our house. I set an internal deadline

Internal deadline #1 passed and I set internal deadline #2. It never came, I was overcooked before it came. I told him calmly that I loved him, but that we were not on the same page and I was unwilling to sacrifice any more of my time. I was prioritizing marriage over our relationship because sacrificing the former for the latter was not an option. He was upset, asked me to give him a month and it was the most miserable month of our lives. Very tense, very unnatural. He ended up proposing the day of his deadline, which is a huge red flag. I''d raised the stakes to stay in the relationship, he was giving me the minimum. We knew it wouldn''t work very quickly.

PHASE III--THE BREAKUP
D was a hot mess the week I was leaving. To be fair, he wanted to want marriage very badly, but he''s not a marriage-minded person. He wasn''t questioning whether I was "the one", he already knew that. What he was accepting by letting me leave was that he was never going to be married. He wanted to travel, didn''t want a mortgage, didn''t want kids. All the things that came with marriage were what scared him.

I think that''s the key difference between D and most men. Most men aren''t sure if the woman they are with is who they want to marry. In D''s case, he knew the woman he was with was who we would want to marry...if only he could WANT marriage.

D went to the jewelry store twice the week I left and had massive panic attacks both times. We said our tear-filled goodbyes at the airport. He respected my decision, I wished him the best. He bought the ring 20 minutes after my flight took off, then drove 24 hours straight to my parents (where I would be staying) because he was out of his mind and freaking out. He realized it was wrong 12 hours into the drive, but he had sort of gone off the deep end due to his frustration with his own commitmentphobia at that point. He arrived at my parents'' house to tell me he was sorry, then made the 24-hour trip home.

I implemented a complete no-contact policy. He wanted to talk at first, but I changed my number, blocked his calls, didn''t respond to emails. HE NEEDED TO FIGURE THIS OUT FOR HIMSELF and I needed to heal. He took a long cross-country road trip and did a lot of soul searching, decided that he wanted marriage, then pledged to go to therapy in order to do it right. All the while I was moving on with my life.

PHASE IV: ENGAGEMENT AND MARRIAGE
D didn''t have any trace of cold feet through our engagement and actively planned a large chunk of our wedding. I had some residual resentment, so we went through some counseling the first month we were engaged, but it was easy because D''s fears were gone.

D made a decision to get married and accept all the things that come with it, but my insecurity creeps in from time to time. Recently we''ve been house hunting and it''s taken FOREVER. I asked him last week if it''s taking so long because of his fear of commitment. He assured me that was not the case and we''re putting in an offer on a house tomorrow. We do have a baby timeline in place, but I still fear his old fears will come back. He''s a true commitmentphobe, so it''s not like he''s just a guy who isn''t sure or who had cold feet. It''s something that will likely always be a factor in our relationship.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You have gotten some great advice. Many women have gone through what you are going through now. I don''t think your boyfriend is a commitmentphobe, I think he is a man who is not ready for marriage. Either way, he has to take this journey on his own. Don''t hold out hope that he will come back, just move on with your life. Don''t talk with him, don''t email him. I know how miserable that feels, it''s awful. But you absolutely must do it for yourself.

I truly, TRULY feel that when you leave a relationship that isn''t meeting your needs, it opens you up to finding something so much better. I know many women who''ve left their non-commital boyfriends and have gone on to find amazing relationships. Starset Princess and BlueRoses are perfect examples of that. Waiting for a man to come around and want to marry you is a waste of your time. I wish you so much luck and always remember that this site is a resource for you on those days that you are feeling weak.

 

[rhbgirl24]

NEL: Great story, I hadn''t heard it before and I''m so glad it worked out.
But WOW, I see sooooooooooooooooooo much of my relationship with my husband in what you just said. It wasn''t that he couldnt commit, we were already committed, it was just that he never saw marriage for himself (nor kids). We both had the same growing experience in our relationships different ways - you left, I didn''t have the stamina to do that, so I stayed, and it was hard, but we worked and worked and worked.... we both have psych degrees so its hard when its YOU having to work through things. We worked out and I''m so glad you and D did too!

 

[Anastasia]

Date: 4/6/2010 12:49:40 PM
Author: prettylnpink419
Thanks, Dreamer. I appreciate it. I''m just so hurt and am having such a hard time believing that he truly wants to walk away. I thought we were building a future together, turns out I was and he wasn''t. I never thought he''d hurt me like this.

It is going to take everything in me to not show up at his place tonight and try to talk things out. Part of me things it would work and the other part of me things it''ll just make him angry and won''t solve anything.

I know there is no quick fix but I just can''t let go of the hope that with a little elbow grease something that used to be so great and is a little rusty and beat up can''t be turned in to something beautiful again. Ugh, I wish the tears would stop.

PIP, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is obviously heartbreaking for both of you, and I can feel the heartbreak in your writing.

There is nothing you can do for your boyfriend right now. The only person who can figure out what he wants is him. You can not talk him into staying together. Right now, what he wants, is to break up with you. He is moving 35 miles away, he has made his own plans while lying to you about your future together. He has said it very clearly, but you are not hearing him. He''s breaking up with you because it is unfair to you to stay together when he is not sure what he wants? That sounds like someone who is trying to appease his own guilt. Why would you want to go talk to him tonight? You''ve already talked and talked and talked, and it has not gotten you anywhere.

Let him go. Break off all contact. Live your life without the expectation that he will come back to you. You can not make him want it. A good relationship should not be this hard. For now, you need to take care of you, and make yourself happy. He is not making you happy, and honestly, if he came back to you right now, and said he wanted to get back together, would you really do it?

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. It has to be devastating. Please take care of YOU right now. Personally, I am a fan of the Sex and the City and Fudgsicle plan!

 

[gardengloves]

PP,

I've been in your shoes too, and I'm so sorry you are hurting. Believe me, I know this pain,- even though mine was light years ago, I can still remember. Sometimes I think life makes us go through these experiences to season us, develop us and ready us for a greater love around the corner.

Everyone gave you great advice including your Mom. Please try not to cave in and seek further contact.

I love NEL's No Contact Policy to give yourself a healing space. You need to take care of yourself, pamper yourself, surround yourself with friends and family, create a shield he cannot break through. You have some tough days coming up, birthday and graduation. Your graduation is a life time achievement, please do not allow him to dictate the terms of this day which should be a joy for you and those that love you. This may seem very hard, but I'd set the no contact zone on those days too. Your worth more than a call from him on those days. Someday very soon you will be in a relationship that is night and day to this one.

Dreamer is right, a good relationship is not all hard work, endless talks and negotiating, one step forward, two steps back, pushing and pulling, being therapist to another - it's surprisingly easy. Your going to be there, but first you need to heal.

Exercise helps, eat well and take care of yourself. Please post as often as you need.

 

[hmr_mama]

PIP--Break-up''s suck. I thought hearing my story might help you.

My ex broke up with me right after school ended my sophomore year in college. It hurt. I couldn''t eat....couldn''t sleep. I decided to "go away". I found a summer job one state over. I ended up working at a "dude ranch" in the mountains of Montana. There were no phones...or computers. Whenever I wanted to call or email him....I couldn''t! I hiked everyday. I lost about 20 pounds. I went back to school in the fall lsmoking hot. I looked so hot all of the ex''s friends wanted a date! I didn''t date at all my junior year. I spent the whole year working on myself....working out and learning about my faith. The summer before my senior year I met my now husband. 8 years after my break-up: I''m married to the man of my dreams (5 years in May), we share a beautiful home, and have made two gorgeous kids.

Stay strong. Don''t call. You will find someone fabulous....IF you take this time to figure out who you are without him. Dreamer is right....good relationships aren''t hard. They''re not forced. Be strong!

 

[PumpkinPie]

I am so sorry to read your story prettylnpink419. I, too can hear the sadness in your heart in what you wrote - but the other posters have it right. The best thing for you to do is to treat this like a breakup and work on healing yourself - you have no control over him or his decisions. Maybe it will work out, maybe it wont.. but at the end of it all, you still only have yourself to create a life for.

 

[janinegirly]

NEL: love how you broke it into phases!

I do think it's important to note the differences--i.e. committment phobe vs. someone not ready for marriage at this point in time or to the person he/she is with.

Also the fact that NEL left and drew the line in the sand is a big difference. Her then ex (now DH) had to come around and meet her expectations/needs. The fact that she showed she was serious about it (validated by her moving and leaving) was key. I guess it's the whole power thing. In PIP's case, he has the power since he is dictating the terms and is the one to have left. The only way to regain it is to build on yourself and set your standards higher. If he comes around HE has to make the effort and HE has to compormise to suit what you need if he wants you back. Until then you have to go by his actions, not what he says.

Pip: let us know how you are? And all of us sound strong now because we're on the other side, but can relate to that horrible feeling right after break up. If you make some slips (by calling/visitng,etc), it's not the end of the world. It might delay the inevitable but we are all human and emotions can make us all do things we shouldn't. Stay strong!

 

[oddoneout]

Date: 4/6/2010 12:49:40 PM
Author: prettylnpink419
Thanks, Dreamer. I appreciate it. I''m just so hurt and am having such a hard time believing that he truly wants to walk away. I thought we were building a future together, turns out I was and he wasn''t. I never thought he''d hurt me like this.


It is going to take everything in me to not show up at his place tonight and try to talk things out. Part of me things it would work and the other part of me things it''ll just make him angry and won''t solve anything.


I know there is no quick fix but I just can''t let go of the hope that with a little elbow grease something that used to be so great and is a little rusty and beat up can''t be turned in to something beautiful again. Ugh, I wish the tears would stop.

I can totally understand what you''re going though. Time is a big healer. You deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them. Concentrate on yourself and your happiness for the time being.

 

[prettylnpink419]

I really can''t thank all of you enough for sharing your stories with me. If anyone has stories or advice for how they got over a break-up that would be great as well. I don''t think this is going to be like the other times where he comes back in a couple of days. I did not go see him last night but I did have a weak moment where I a. sent a long e-mail about how I felt and why we should try again and b. sent him a few texts asking him to talk to me, etc. He responded by saying "LAST TEXT...I DO NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU...YOU ARE NOT MY ONE SPECIAL PERSON...PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! LET ME MOVE ON."

So that was pretty clear. I responded by saying okay and that his message made it clear there is nothing left to hold on to and he is obviously not the person I thought he was and we are not the couple I thought we were and he won''t hear from me again, I promise. He responded with saying okay and to please remove any pictures of him from the internet/post on pricescope. (I guess he means FB and I''ve never posted a pic of us on here before so no issues there.) He always said he''d like to stay friends but like I told him in the past it would have to be a long time before that could happen.

And that''s it. No contact. It''s hard and I''m sad. He was and is my best friend, the person I told everything to. I really don''t have any close friends outside of him. Making friends has always been hard for me for some reason. Probably because I''ve never been a big party/drinking/bar person and that is what people my age wanted to do. I lost some close friends in high school and early on in college and just haven''t found a way to meet anyone new. Aside from my now ex, I have 1 friend and of course she is in NY this week with family. I feel so alone. My mom told me she was so disappointed in me for contacting him yesterday, that if she told anyone I did that they would then say that I deserve what I got. I just don''t have anyone to really lean on.

I know that I now need to spend this time working on me. Number 1 is meeting new people and developing new friendships but how do you do that? I have no clue. People I work with are all older, like older than my mom. I''m no longer taking classes and didn''t really meet anyone that way even when I did. I''m just kind of shy when first getting to know someone which makes it hard. I always thought that this was just an awkward phase and that I''d find my prince charming and meet friends through him (my ex did not have any friends really either - which is what made it so easy for us to attach ourselves to one another I think) and that once we had a family, we''d meet friends through school, etc...other parent friends, etc.

I''m going to go to the gym more and purge my apartment by getting rid of any old clothes, shoes, etc. Getting rid of anything I haven''t used in the last year. I can keep myself busy with work during the day...it is just the weekends and the nights that are going to kill me.

I am finally starting to agree with him though that this relationship just isn''t right. Not the way it is now. He has so much maturing to do before he can be a partner to someone. I know that is what he is looking for but he is not emotionally ready for it. I know that even if he came back I would have to send him away. I need to move on and he needs to grow up. I can''t say that if our paths crossed in the future and we had both grown, etc. that I wouldn''t give it another shot, because I probably would but at this point it is not worth it. I was where I am right now a month ago when he told me he wasn''t honest with me about being ready to move in together because he was afraid I''d leave him. Now he moved out on his own and he left me and I''m in the same situation with the same broken heart. Bottom line for me is that he told me on more than one occasion that he thought I loved him more than he was capable of loving someone, that I wanted this more than him. I did love him, I loved him with every part of me and put so much into that relationship because I thought he''d be by my side forever, instead...he took part of me away with him.

I''m ready to fix my broken heart and to find someone that won''t break it again. (Notice that fact that I am trying to talk myself into believing that).

What is the best cure for a broken heart? My mom says to get out there and meet someone new. How soon is too soon to put yourself back on the market?

 

[gardengloves]

Give yourself time and space to heal and process this. Your mom sounds great, don't forget she's your best friend. Always listen to your Mom. That said, if only my daughter did too...

Purging the apartment sounds great- nothing like cleaning out the clutter, to make space for something new.. your instincts are on the right track.. In time you will emerge and take tentative steps towards new relations, interests and friendships- but don't push yourself now - , you've suffered a loss, honor it, grieve it, and you will get over it - you will emerge new, strengthened and whole. There is no easy answer, its painful, but it's life, so many of us have been through it, its a time honored passage towards wholeness -you will emerge--- there is happiness at the end! Have faith.

When I went through something like this - I lost my appetite, lost 15 pounds, but hey, everyone said I looked great, so there is an upside! I like Dreamer's weekend's with favorite DVD's- be strong, please, no contact. Emr Mama complete change of environment works too- get away if you can

 

[gardengloves]

One cure for a broken heart from my experience-

You know what may help?, throw yourself into a sport. Do you swim, run, ride, exercise? This so helped me get over the hurt and gain confidence, make new friends and move beyond.

I picked up a childhood love of swimming, spent hours in the pool - determined to master the form, strokes, speed, endurance, took classes, worked out, eventually joined a masters class work out session. This turned to diving, snorkeling, freediving, and a whole new world of friends and accomplishments-. enough cannot be said of physical activities to help a wounded heart. To gain mastery over your physical body really helped gain mastery over the emotions and made me a better partner for the future, because I felt so much better about myself.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I'm really sorry to hear you're hurting to badly, PIP. The bad news is that it will definitely take some time to heal and I have no doubt there will be many times you miss him. The good news is that, even though it hurts, he's made it very clear that he's nowhere near being ready for marriage. In some ways, it makes it easier for you to move on with your life.

Don't be afraid to lean on family (like your mom!) in lieu of friends right now. Your family will be your strongest network. Also, this is a great time to meet some new friends or reconnect with old friends. I've never been a drinker/partier, either, but I met several friends by doing the things I loved to do. This is a perfect opportunity for you to dive into new hobbies and meet new people.

In terms of dating again, that's just different for everybody. I have a friend who left her boyfriend the same day I did (he proposed the day after she left and she said "no" because she knew she could never get over the fact that she had to leave in order for him to realize what he'd lost--valid point). Anyway, she went out on a date a couple of weeks later just for fun. She admitted she wasn't ready, but thought it would be a nice distraction. She was engaged to him within 9 months and is very, very happy. I personally wanted to give myself 6 months to heal, but that's just me. I knew I would be comparing any guy I dated to D and it wouldn't be fair to the new guy. You'll know when you're ready and and if you just want to go on a date for fun, there's nothing wrong with that either.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I threw myself into a hobby during my breeak up. I started doing art projects again that I had not done for a long while. Anything to keep me immersed and occupied. So do you have a sport or an artistic pursuit that you love? If not, now is a good time to take one up!

I really think that distractions is the best tool. I watched all the Sex and the City seasons because they were like friends when I was feeling lonely in my apartment.

And maybe if you have always wanted a pet this is a good time to get one. A cat perhaps. But only if you have always wanted one.

And also think about what a jerk face he is. That helped me a lot too

 

[janinegirly]

I'm so sorry PiP. I think your ex's cruel reaction truly shows he was never the man for you. He should understand you are hurting and that his why you are acting out--and at least let you get it out.

In any case the best thing to do now is not even think about dating--even though I know the first thing you want to do is replace what you had. Please take some time to just cry and get it out by leaning on your gf's---make those late night calls to you bff. And if you are really being honest when you say you don't have any close friends, then that should be priority #1! Throughout life you will need friends, not just some guy you are 100% dependent on! In the meantime, there's family--sister, aunts cousins. And you'd be surprised---co-workers can become close friends, even if they are a bit older. You have options, don't shut down doors before trying!

Distractions are key (when you are ready)--go to the movies, shopping, ice cream...just get through each day. One day at a time. A few weeks/ months from now you will feel so different I promise you. And then you will be out with your girlfriends and you'll realize you are ready to date again. It'll happen, we've all been there and can promise you it gets better--and you will look back and cringe that you were ever with this guy!!

 

[purselover]

***HUGS*** PIP I''m sorry you''re going through such a rough time.

As for meeting new friends have you looked into websites such as meetup.com or craigslist for shared interests? Are there any local groups you could join - for example our small athletic store in town has a weekly running group. A yoga or cooking class/workshop could also be a good way to meet others. Have you also tried tapping into the friends you do have, do they have any friends you could meet? I would tell them you''re looking to get out more and expand your social circle and do they have any friends you''d click with? I know I''ve met a few people through friends of a friend. I really hope this helps. Feel better soon.

 

[prettylnpink419]

Thank you everyone, so much. I have reached out to a few old friends and one actually reached out to me when she saw how sad I''ve been lately. I hopefully that I will be able to rekindle at least one if not multiple friendships with people I''ve lost touch with.

I''m having a tough day. It was day #3 last time that he reached out to me and today is day #3. I''ve picked up my phone to call, text and started to write an e-mail a hundred times over the past few days although I know it won''t do me any good so I haven''t gone through with it. I feel sad and lost without my best friend.

It is hot, my AC broke again, I had a root canal yesterday and I just want to be curled up in his bed and in his arms. I''ve flipped through all of the texts we''ve sent each other over the past month (my phone never deletes them). I''ve read messages from him like "I feel like I did when I first met you" and "You are the greatest girlfriend ever and I don''t appreciate you enough" and "I''m trying to think of things I can work on to better myself for us" and "I''m not going get those car parts I want because I should be having for a house and our future" and "I found the best birthday and graduation gift for you, I can''t wait". All of the I love yous and I miss yous and the I''m lonely without yous (while he is at work and/or at his place). All of this within the last month. I want to ask him how just a month ago he couldn''t spend 3 days apart from me without coming back and wanting to make it work. I want to know if all of the above were lies or if he just really can''t remember how he felt at those times to say those things. I want to know if the tears from him Monday night were only because he felt bad for hurting me or if he is really hurting too. I want to know if he ever really loved me.

What I really want is for someone to flip a switch in my head so I could get angry instead of sad. So I could truly feel like I was better off without him. I just don''t feel that way. I want to move on, I want to put myself out there and I want to do it now because I just want a distraction. I''m so afraid to move on because I''m so afraid he''ll be back and then I''ll regret anything I do in the mean time, i.e. dating other people. I know that if we did reconnect 6 months down the road and he had been with someone in the mean time it would crush me to find that out.

I want to know if he is sad and if he misses me and if he''s thinking about me. I''m worried about him and I hope he is okay. I''m sure he is, cause if he wasn''t - wouldn''t you think he''d realize what I mistake this is and come back and he hasn''t done that. I did delete all of the pictures of him from my facebook last night. It is killing me not to reply to the e-mail he sent asking me to do that to say that I did, if for no other reason that to open the lines of communication again.

I''m trying to stay busy, it''s hard, but I''m trying. I have no appetite and I''m sure that is partly why I feel so weak and just have no energy to do anything, but I''m trying. I''m stopping by my Grandma''s tonight for a little bit and then going to a friend''s to keep my mind off of him. I just keep thinking...day #3, it was day #3 last time, maybe I''ll hear from him today. I want that so badly.

I want to tell him that I don''t understand how he’d rather give up something great and someone that loves him more than anyone else probably ever could for exactly who he is because he can’t think with his heart. That he’s filling his head with “what ifs” and all of the negative possibilities instead of all of the positive ones. When people get married they have to commit to each other that no matter what they are in it for the long haul and they’ll both put in the work it takes to make it work because they love each other and think its worth it. He has this false expectation that relationships shouldn''t take work. While I agree that they shouldn’t be painful, they shouldn’t be easy either…they definitely take work. Our relationship has been a struggle because he can''t put in any work, he says he will, he''ll talk about it, it''ll happen for a day and then that''s it. I''m guilty of this too, but I''ve really been trying lately. He is convinced that because I want him to work with me on communicating better and that “takes work” than we must not be right together. That we are too different. I obviously disagree.

I have gone through bad break-ups before, but this pain is so much worse. I''ve re-read journals I kept last time and it just is not the same. I loved this man so much deeper and really opened myself up to him, I thought he did too. I just don''t know how being apart can be right if it causes this much pain. I feel like my best friend has died, but it is worse because he slapped me in the face with the fact that he''s out there and just doesn''t want to talk to me and is moving on with his life without me.