Bullying

[Gypsy]

Oh honey. I wish there was some sure fire way to stop it. I think your best bet is, IMO, to make sure she not "the smart one" OR "the pretty one" or "the tall one" at home. Try to avoid giving her labels that box her in instead make sure she knows that she's smart and pretty and tall... and that a person can have it all and be the "well rounded nice confident one." I think if kids know that labels are silly period, then they manage to get over them in school as well.

I was in LA K to 5 and was happy as a clam. Then in 5th grade we moved to Nor Cal and I was different. I wasn't one of them and it was tough. A couple of the girls took a dislike to me and though I was smart, and pretty and nice.... NOTHING worked. They would stick 1.99 sale stickers on my clothes and tell me that I dressed cheaply (I didn't, I was just used to different brands in LA, so I had those) and when a boy liked me, they would threaten to stop talking to him if he asked me to a dance, etc. Unfortunately it continued all through middle school (kids were the same), then in high school it got a little better, I wasn't popular but I wasn't picked on daily. Until I ticked off the head of Latina gang at our school.... and learned to grovel for fear of having my ass kicked.

Which actually brings me to my next piece of advice. If you CAN, be an involved mom. So the PTA thing. Take cupcakes to school on birthdays, invite other moms and their kids to weekend BBQs, and things like that. I noticed that a lot of the kids whose parents were most involved did not get bullied as much (or at least, not beyond the usual peer pressure). Also be involved with her teachers so you can spot what is going on, and listen to her. One of the things that made it hardest for me when I transferred from LA was my 5th grade teacher hated foreigners and SHE picked on me, so the other kids really had a free pass. It was too late by the time I admitted to my mom to anything but get the teacher reprimanded (and we did)-- and that didn't help the other kids attitudes. It taught me to stand up for myself... but it didn't help the bullying much. I just learned to stand up to it, and I did. But those girls are insidious. You can't stand up to whispers and plans made in private. And most of the bullying is planned out in advance.

That said, in HS the kid that was the most picked on was a girl named Kathy and her mom was at the school all the time. And it didn't stop anything. Just added to the taunting... "Your mom's normal... why aren't you."

 

[packrat]

I worry about London too..I see a lot of *me* in her, how she acts and reacts to things, and I was hoping she would have more confidence and be more sure of herself like JD. I'm awkward. I'm short, I'm clumsy, I'm loud and goofy. I'm just weird. And I'm sensitive, tho I try not to be. London's tall and slender. Not emaciated type, she's built very nicely..however, she is also sensitive and she's goofy and awkward. She doesn't have the confidence I'd hoped she would have. She is so afraid of doing things wrong, she just won't do things or try things. I worry with her doing that in school she's going to be labeled and teased for it. She's so sweet and she let's other kids boss her around and just does whatever they tell her to do.

My brother and I were teased b/c we didn't celebrate holidays. We didn't say the Pledge of Allegiance, we didn't stay for birthdays etc. I was short. I reached my full height in 7th grade and that was it for me. My face started breaking out in 5th grade. I was slender and was teased for that. I was strong and was teased for that. Didn't have the coolest clothes, was teased for that. I found friends who were "different" too, and we accepted each other and it was nice. I didn't get along w/my brother when we were younger, and that made it worse. I did try to slit my wrists in Junior High. A cry for help, didn't want anyone to know but yet, I did b/c I wanted someone to CARE about me.

When I got into high school it didn't get any better. There was an incident when I was a Sophomore and as painful as it was, I think it was the turning point in my life. I had just gotten to the point where I was starting to feel accepted by others and also myself, my brother and I had become super close, I had a lot of friends, guys were actually looking at me. It just..well it fricken pissed me off I guess is what it did. My brother and I'd been taught our whole lives "Quack quack water off a duck's back" and when it crashed in on me that year, I got mean. By then I was so damned sick and tired of being the butt of everything and adults talking about me, and my friends being caught in the middle, and some girls starting in on my brother I fought back w/both barrels and my mom started becoming active as well. I never got sent to the Principal's office, I went there on my own. I figured, if they want to think they're tough and try to push me and my brother around (these girls in his class-by then my classmates had figured out I was just a normal girl) and think they were hot shit bullies, then by golly they were going to see some bullying. And they did. The "lead" girl's parents were so scared they installed a CB in her car after my cousin and I chased the girl and her friends all over town and right up to the police station. I didn't know that until I followed her to school one day about an inch from her bumper and she called her parents on the CB. Principal said "Her dad said you were trying to run her off the road" I said "If I'd been trying to do that, I would have marks on my car and she'd be in the ditch about 6 miles back" I had it out w/her dad in front of the school one day and he lost it, waving his arms and yelling at me, calling me names and saying he was going to make sure the Principal knew what was going on. I said "Well, he already knows what's going on b/c he's been standing there listening to you rant and rave at me this whole time" and then I pranced right by the Principal into the school, and the dad got to have a sit down in the office. I took to staring at her with a blank face, and then doing a slow smile and a wink.

One time when I was a Senior, one of the teachers caught me as I was leaving school for the day and asked if I'd help him w/a problem he'd been having w/one of the boys..Freshman or Soph I can't remember. He was being mean to one of the girls in his class and he thought someone closer to his age might be more effective than sending him to the Principals office and calling his parents all the time. He was walking out the classroom as I was walking in-he stopped and said "Oh shit" and I said "Oh shit is right, let's sit down hmmm?" We had a nice long talk consisting of me doing to him what he was doing to that girl to show him how it felt, and some thinly veiled threats involving my by then large bodybuilding brother and some other guy friends who were not ones to shy away from a fight. He cried. Sobbing, snot out the nose crying. Left that girl alone tho.

I realized I was pretty good at yelling and defending people. Yelling mostly. Ha, one time my brother had a big party and I think I knew 2 people-JD being one of them. One guy was making fun of a girl b/c she had a small chest..and being an owner of a small chest myself I know how that feels. But he just kept on and kept on to the point of viciousness. By then I'd had enough and I went out and unleashed on him. And he cried. Hard. We were at the store a few weeks ago and a guy started coming up the aisle we were walking down, and he stopped and tripped and backpedaled down the aisle. I said "Jeez, what was that all about? Weirdo" JD started laughing his ass off-"That was the guy you yelled at" I had no clue what he was talking about, and he's like "That party remember, he was making fun of that girl.." "Ohhh the small boobs girl? That was him? That was like 12 years ago!" hahahaha no real bearing on school bullying but it makes me laugh.

I used to be mean. I can see it coming back if someone messes w/my kids. My kids will also be taught to stand up for themselves and fight back if necessary.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

I don't think I was ever really bullied, even though the conditions growing up were pretty ripe for bullying.

I was the short girl. I was the Asian girl in mostly non-Asian communities. I had a name that made it really easy for people to make fun of. I was always the new girl since I was a military brat and always moving around. I was the smart girl, and sadly, smartness isn't exactly respected when you're younger. I wasn't the athletic or popular girl.

But for some reason, yeah I got made fun of, but no one really pushed it to bullying. And I think it's because I always projected the sense that if someone messed with me, I would have no problem with standing up for myself.

One girl, a friend actually, back in 7th grade told me that she was always afraid to start an argument with me because she thought I would end up calling her a name and she would have no idea what it meant.

Honestly, I have no idea what advice to give to kids now. It seems like schools and cliques are way more vicious than it was when I was growing up. And of course, the internet and cyber bullying takes things to a whole new level.

But I think what made it the easiest for me to stand up for myself was knowing that there were objective qualities, like my intelligence, that made me special (and that no one else could ever take away), and slowly, very slowly developing the confidence to say, "You know what? No matter what you say, I have self-worth, and I'm willing to stand up for that."

I also don't think avoiding confrontation in the name of "not stooping to their level" really works. Yes, some bullies get off of getting a reaction, and you don't want to give them that satisfaction, but it's also important not to be, and not to be seen as, a doormat. I think it's a very fine line - between being willing to stand up for yourself so bullies will think twice about messing with you, but not being overly defensive and making it more fun for bullies. And I really don't know how to teach that; it's just something you learn as you get older.

I also found it MUCH easier in high school to stand up for my friends. My two best friends were super shy, and I'm definitely not. They still retell the story of how I took to task a couple "mean girls" who made fun of what one of my friends was wearing. Apparently, I'm definitely known as the fireball who can be very intimidating - all 5'1" of me. And I think in the end, it's really all about the image you project. Even if you don't feel confident or outgoing, project the appearance that you are. And maybe it'll end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also, I think bullies really latch onto those who seem insecure or to those who very obviously have problems. That self-confident image, even if it's not true at first, can act as a great shield.

 

[Haven]

Bullying breaks my heart. It's hard for me to think about the instances of bullying that I've witnessed (as both a teacher and a student) without feeling sick to my stomach.

Anyway, I think that kids who have a healthy, confident self image do well in the face of bullying. Participating in a sport or a club is good, too, because it gives them a group of peers with whom to identify. And of course, it boosts their self esteem to participate in something they enjoy, and to have a group of friends. Having parents at home who support them and tell them that they love them and are proud of them really helps, too.

As a parent I would help my child explore different activities to find out where her strengths and interests lie, and then I would give her as many opportunities as possible to develop those interests. I'd try to find something that can transfer over into school, so she can participate in a school activity, too. I'd tell her how proud I am of her, and I'd foster her friendships with kids who seem well adjusted and happy. It seems like kids who strongly identify with something, anything--"I'm an athlete/artist/singer/skateboarder/musician/writer"--are less vulnerable to bullying.

As a teacher I saw bullies try out multiple targets until they found one that was the most vulnerable. The confident kids didn't give the bullies enough of a reaction, so they moved on until they found someone who had an insecurity that could be publicly exploited. It's horrible, and I can't tell you how many times I wanted to scoop up a kid and tell her that she was wonderful and didn't deserve it.

 

[swimmer]

EB, great points.

I think that every middle schooler thinks that they are the outcast...something with the hormones perhaps? So very many Frosh girls come to my office to complain about being targeted for bullying and some of the things that they consider bullying are...well, being ignored is hard to differentiate from simply not being noticed in the eyes of an overwrought teen. The best adjusted kids seem to be active in things other than texting and fb'ing. Like sports, band, school plays, volunteering, heck, even the band geeks have an inner sanctum of cool within their own crowd.

I'm not concerned that my child will be bullied, ALL kids are teased at some point. Some take it harder than others (while others really face awful situations like Princess and Fiery described where administrators should get involved but those are more rare). I was probably teased, but not understanding English had some benefits! What I fear MOST is that my child will be a bully. That would break my heart, to have raised a mean kid would be a failure of the highest order. I would do anything in my power to help him change...to hurt other kids would, man i'm tearing up over this. Even at 13 weeks I love that he stroked his little friend's cheek at playgroup today.

 

[Kaleigh]

Ny brother was teased to no end. I think my parents didn't handle it well. So sent him off to boarding school.

I learned a lot from that.

Number one, you embrace your child no matter what.
My brother was smart, more divergent in thinking than convergent..

Had my parents taken the time and worked with him , I think things would have been different.

He's gone now, and I know the pain he suffered.

They labeled him. They did this in front of me. I was the golden child. I hated all of it.

Self esteem is key.

Tgal, you are an awesome Mom.. I am thinking your little lady will do well. And tall these days is a plus.. ( plus kids are taller these days methinks ) I thought Ash was going to be a giant, 90% but she's 5'9

Don't put the cart before the horse..

My son was teased because he has asthma.. I went to the class to talk about how he had to go to the nurse for nebulizer treatments.

I brought the nebulizer to class and said if he doesn't get these treatments he can't breath...

That put a stop to him being teased, and they looked after him saying, do you need to get a treatment??

 

[Sabine]

I think the most important thing you can do as a parent is make sure you have the kind of relationship where your dd talks to you about what's going on, and you pay attention and are there to support her. And if she hits any years where she WON'T talk to you, make sure she has someone older she can talk to and open up to.

I remember in middle school being friends with a group of girls who basically picked a different girl every week who was "out" and they would make fun of, shun, talk about, etc. until it was the next girl's turn. I realize that now, but when I went through it I took it personally and it crushed me. I did not have a good relationship with my mother. Although she realized I was "fighting" with my friends, she never pressed me about it. We all used to go to gymnastics together, and she forced me to still participate in the car pool with them even though I begged her not to, and the girls were even more merciless when I continued to be in their presence after they decided I was out. I eventually made new friends, but it was definitely the WRONG crowd, which lead to many poor decisions throughout the rest of my school years. My parents were going through marital problems when all this happened, and my mom just didn't see it, and by the time she did, I had lost any interest in confiding in her and fought her even more.

I think as long as you are present in her life and observant about what's going on, and if something seems wrong you don't just let it go, you'll be able to help her get through anything she encounters.

 

[TravelingGal]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful posts. I'll definitely try not to put the cart before the horse and keep your many insightful points in mind. In fact, I think I'll print this out and put this in my Amelia file.

 

[dragonfly411]

Kaleigh - :: HUG::

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I realize that this is a serious thread and I'm not trying to make light, however I can tell you how I dealt with bullying.

When I was a kid I had severe scoliosis. Lots of surgery, rods screwed to my spine, etc. At one point in grade school I wore a back brace. I had to wear it 24 hours a day and it was very obvious--huge fiberglass brace around my entire torso, right? Not exactly the kind of thing that blends in, which is an invitation for ridicule.

When I got the brace, the class bully started calling me "turtle". I was apparently just as annoyed as a child as I am as an adult, so it didn't hurt my feelings, it just annoyed me. I went home and told my mom that some boy was calling me turtle and my mom laughed it off and said "Honey, if a man starts bullying you around, you just kick him in the balls". She was joking, but I took her seriously.

So the next day he starts calling me "turtle" at recess. My school was tiny (I grew up in a town of 200, so teeny tiny) so essentially everybody in the school started laughing. I walked up to him and kicked him square in the balls. I was immediately escorted to the principals office where my mother picked me up. Nobody called me turtle again.

The point of the story is that I went to my parents and they told me what to do in a situation where I was being bullied. Unfortunately I trusted them enough to actually follow through, but if my mom had told me to tell the principal or tell her the boy's name so she could talk with his mom (again, tiny community), I would have done that.

As a side note, that kid and I ended up both being in marching band in high school and he told me he started calling me turtle because he had a crush on me. He's married with two kids, so I'm glad that the kick didn't do any permanent damage...

 

[TravelingGal]

NEL, that is a great story.

 

[Haven]

Awesome story, NEL.

My sister wore a back brace for scoliosis all through high school. I wish she had the bollocks that you had! She didn't endure any bullying, but it did affect her self esteem.

 

[KimberlyH]

I was bullied in elementary school. I attended a small private school and grew up with the same 30 or so kids from 1st through 8th grade. It started in 4th grade, one girl was jealous because she wanted my best friend to be hers and it just escalated from there. My class was known for being horrible and it didn't help that I was a people pleaser that wanted to do well in school, I didn't fit in with my classmates at all, with a few exceptions. I didn't know how to stand up for myself, and I never told on anyone either, except my parents and I refused to let them do anything about it (fearing it would only get worse). It came to a head in 6th grade when that girl and her friends destroyed my yearbook, wrote all sorts of horrible things all over it. My dad lost it with the school principal (who was terrible at her job); he is the calmest person I know and he threw the yearbook (it was only made of paper) into her car and screamed "This is not normal 6th grade behavior!" at her (unfortunately the truth is that is normal and it is happening at younger and younger ages now). I gather he and my mom had discussed their concerns with the my teachers and the principal without my knowing prior to this based on that interaction, but it didn't help things. The girls got in very little trouble, but did have to tell their parents what they had done. We avoided each other in 7th grade and they ended up befriending me in 8th grade. Very strange.

The thing that would have changed things for me was self confidence. I didn't know how to respond to the attacks, and it genuinely hurt my feelings and I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. They knew they got to me and it made it fun. I think being involved in sports and other activites that made me feel good about myself would have helped.

As a teacher I feel there is little teachers can do to stop bullies, but I do feel there is a lot they can do to build up students who are being bullied so they can stand up for themselves. Helping build their self esteem is key. My students that were bullies almost always had parents that were bullies, so there was little understanding on their part that what was happening was wrong.

 

[Allison D.]

What made things worse for me, TBH, was listening to well-meaning adults about not stooping to their level, not retaliating, etc. The more I ignored, the worse it got. I'm convinced that had I stood up to them a little more, it wouldn't have been as bad as it was. I was an easy target, and at their core the girls were cowards that wouldn't survive a fair fight. quote]

I have to say I really agree with this. We teach people how to treat us, and when we endure repeated bullying without resistance, the message sent is "I will tolerate this treatment."

I see the wisdom in advocating for avoidance if it's possible, but if that doesn't work, I'd also want to make sure my kid (if I had one) knew that avoidance wasn't the same thing as doormat and if she had to fight back (verbally or otherwise), I'd support it.

 

[LGK]

I had a pretty tough time of it growing up- I can think of a few things that could have made it better off the top of my head, but I am betting that you've already got it covered, but it may help anyway.

I was dirt, dirt poor growing up and my mom left me to my own devices to clothe myself starting at about 4th grade. This was NOT a good thing! I still remember being absolutely tormented for having utterly weird clothing and having no way of fixing that, or even really understanding what the problem was. I got hand me downs and goodwill stuff, and if it fit I had to wear it. And my mom let *me* pick it, which wasn't a good call, lol. I think you can clothe a kid with nice secondhand stuff but not look like a ragbag like I did- you just need to assist in matching clothes etc. By the time I was in highschool I'd pretty much embraced it all and was shopping for gothy goodness secondhand and hey, all black matches! But it took me that long to figure out how to actually not look ridiculous, and my mom totally ignored it all. I had no winter coat for my entire sophomore year of highschool- a friend finally gave me a nice leather jacket and I was sooo totally happy to not be freezing my buns off anymore!

Make sure they have a support network, especially a few close friends. We moved a *lot* and so I was always the new kid with no friends. Awesome! If you can stick it out with minimal moving around, that might be a good idea. It really was so much better when I was able to make a couple of good friends- it made the rest of the unpleasantness sorta less awful.

Not all school districts are created equal. I was much happier at the grade school with 95% Asian (mostly Vietnamese and Chinese) kids than the Colorado schools or the ones with only white kids. The Asian kids were many of them recent immigrants, trying to learn English and fit in themselves, and weren't about to bully anybody. The HS I went to was almost entirely white kids- seriously, out of 4,000 people I think there were two African American kids- and that was one of my most hated schools. I was lucky- we had moved in to the area my sophomore year, and my sister-cousin was already established at that school and totally took me in, although she was a senior that year. It would have been terrible if I hadn't had her support and her friends'. (She'd actually gone to school since 3rd grade with my DH, and I had some classes with him throughout HS, in fact- he was one of her acquaintances.)

If your daughter is unlucky and develops really early it's going to be a bad year for her. Also something I got to deal with, I was my adult height in 5th grade and a B cup, which wasn't the best experience ever. I was the tallest in the class and looked 16 or 17, which made a lot of adults think I was slow. If that happens to your daughter she's *going* to get tormented. Just be there for her, get her in a bra and make sure her clothes fit and aren't skintight because she outgrew them 6 months ago. (Also part of my fun 5th grade year, not recommended.)

I would say the best thing you can do is provide a stable environment for her, don't move around all the time if you can help it. Help her find clothes that don't make her stick out like a freaking target, as long as she'll let you help pick them at least (probably through age 12 or 13 presumably). Encourage supportive friends that are good people. And get her in activities that are physical and solitary if she's not a huge group player- I too found martial arts a great outlet my 5th & 6th grade years, although I was terrible at organized sports since I was a huge introvert I was fine with individual stuff like that. And assume that middle school is just going to be rotten and help her through it as best you can.

 

[JSM]

I was bullied pretty severely in school until I was about 16.

Why? Well, I was chubby (maybe 10 pounds over normal), but I wasn't the largest girl. We didn't have a lot of money, but I wasn't the poorest girl. I was intelligent, but wasn't the smartest in my class. I was short, but wasn't the shortest. But honestly what truly made me a target was my awkwardness, complete lack of self esteem, and utter inability to handle myself in a social situation. What made it worse was that I had no idea how to respond (like was mentioned before, my mom's advice to "just ignore it" just made the bullying worse).

I was lucky in that, at 16, I met a really nice guy who graciously introduced me to his group of friends, and they adopted me into their group. They were an interesting, eclectic, rag tag bunch (ages 15-22, large range of intelligence, athletic ability, etc), but they accepted ME for ME, and I learned to develop self confidence and was much happier in my life. Once I was able to make smart quips back to the bullies, they moved on.

DH never had to deal with bullies, so he has a hard time understanding what I went through as a child (plus boys, I think, bully physically, leaving the mental torture to the girls). I hope to teach my future children to stand up for themselves, but also to stand up for those who are being targeted. It was really amazing what a kind word did to change my life, and perhaps they can change someone else's life, too.

 

[miraclesrule]

I never seem to be able to lurk for long. I'm always drawn into PS'ers.

Bullying. It's an epidemic. School bullying, workplace bullying, corporate bullying, institutional bullying, gang bullying, interpersonal power struggles...

It's as important to avoid being a victim as it is to avoid being a silent bystander, complicit...deferring to your tribe/cliche loyalty.

As someone said...it is insidious and can creep up on you and your family if you are not vigilant. Teach respectful communication. Preferably by example. If that isn't possible (and I am guilty of this) having them learn "what not to do" when you fall short and catch yourself partaking in "gateway" behavior. Mocking, sarcasm, judging, comparing, taunting, provoking, semi-private venting etc... ( I may not be perfect, but I can and do call out my own behavior, most of the time. It was easier with my daughter, than my boss though )

There is more emphasis on bullying now, so it is attracting the types of programs that have significant impact on youth. My personal favorite is Challenge Day, which is now part of an MTV reality show "If You Really Knew Me". I've been through the 1/2 day Challenge Day and my friends have done the whole day program. It's life-altering for everyone in the room. The problem is that the target audience are those that survive elementary and middle school. I only know of a few programs that target elementary and middle school and those are usually funded by non-profits.

In my perfect world, there is a Kids for Peace Chapter in every elementary school and then we would dismantle gang/bullying psychology in it's formative stages. Oh, another way is to participate in the Great Kindness Challenge this Saturday.

 

[allycat0303]

I was bullied as a child in elementary school.The children would stand in line and call me names. Their favorites were "slut and whore". When I would cry, it wouldget worst. I never stood up for myself. I'm not sure how children that are 12-13 know these words.

This is a very presonal topic for me. My parents were aware of the bullying. So were the teachers, and no one did anything about it.

As an adult, my self presception has been shaped by the bullying (and some other stuff too). If I had a child in that position, I would change schools. I would move,I would do anything to prevent my child from dealing with this. I would even have my child home-schooled if necessary. I would not try to work it out with the system, I would not try to meet with the kid's parents. I don't think any child should be forced to attend school, and feel threatened or unwanted.

No one will care for your child as you can. I would not trust my child's happiness to teachers/school adminstrators.

 

[Imdanny]

I have found that the only way to deal with bullies - at school, at work, and in life - is to stand up to them. Fear is their weapon. Whenever I've come right back at bullies on their own terms, they went whimpering back into their sewers. It can be a difficult thing to do, but it has to be done. Children need to be taught how to deal with bullies at an early age.

Yes, I think I agree.

I was bullied in middle school (short, small, gay, unusually academic- I think all of these reasons, particularly the third one, if I'm being honest).

I felt so paralyzed. It was a horrible feeling and I still remember it.

Before middle school, and after it, I quite aggressive, and people didn't mess with me, but those middle schools years were bad.

Looking back on it, I wish that I could have found the inner strength to fight back. I would have yelled in those people's faces and put the fear of God into them, or I would have literally punched one of them in the face one day and gone berserk. I know that sounds terrible but that's what I wish I had been able to do and I have little doubt in my mind that I could have saved myself two years of misery.

I told my parents about it, and my father, although well meaning, told me that I had to put up with it. I'm sure he thought "kids will be kids" or "they'll grow up" or something. Or maybe he just didn't want me getting into a fight at school. In any case, I wish I hadn't put up with it, and if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't.

I don't have kids so I can't give you any specific advice as a parent. I just want to second Madam Bijoux's post because, to me, it gets to the heart of the problem.

Good luck.