Bullying

[TravelingGal]

I know there have been threads on bullying (the online bullying thread comes to mind from the girl who committed suicide) but this has been on my mind lately, so I thought I'd put it out there.

I'm interested in your experiences, whether it be personal, the experiences of your kids, or from a expert standpoint (if you're a therapist or studying a field that's pertinent, and of course, what you've seen as a teacher...I know we have many on PS). Are there ways are parents we can minimize this? What can kids do? What can we teach our kids to do?

I fear for my daughter...the psychological warfare that I've heard girls can create is scary. My daughter is probably going to be the tallest in her class...and I know anyone different is usually picked on. I dread the day she comes home and tells me someone called her a stork! I just wish she could fly under the radar, but I know I'm thinking way ahead.

I don't see bullying in her preschool class (she's in the 2 year old class) but I've been told that it definitely can start as early as preschool. That is nuts to me.

 

[dragonfly411]

Tgal - I was the odd one in school. I was bullied quite a bit for being pudgy, for "developing" early, and for reading more than other kids. Honestly I'm not sure I'd change it. I think it has made me a stronger woman today, and less apt to care what others think of me. I am proud of the person I am, and the heritage that made me the way I am. I can say I'm no longer pudgy, but it isn't because I was picked on, it's because I decided to be healthy for me. I could just as soon gain 10-15 lbs and not care, if I wasn't afraid of the heart and diabetes risks that run in my family.

You should tell your daughter that tall girls are the only ones who get to walk down the catwalk. She could use that as her retort if people ever bring it up.

 

[TravelingGal]

Tgal - I was the odd one in school. I was bullied quite a bit for being pudgy, for "developing" early, and for reading more than other kids. Honestly I'm not sure I'd change it. I think it has made me a stronger woman today, and less apt to care what others think of me. I am proud of the person I am, and the heritage that made me the way I am. I can say I'm no longer pudgy, but it isn't because I was picked on, it's because I decided to be healthy for me. I could just as soon gain 10-15 lbs and not care, if I wasn't afraid of the heart and diabetes risks that run in my family.

You should tell your daughter that tall girls are the only ones who get to walk down the catwalk. She could use that as her retort if people ever bring it up.

LOL...I'm planning on it, but I don't think she'll care. I have a friend who is 5'11'' and knock out gorgeous. She LOVES being tall now, but says she spent her school years hunching over in an effort to be shorter. I guess it's something you just have to go through and hope that it doesn't do any permanent damange to your self esteem.

I'm glad it made you stronger...I think for most people who were bullied, it does. That saying, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger is true. But I also think whatever doesn't kill you makes you STRANGER is also true.

I learned martial arts as a kid. It doesn't really help you defend yourself, but it does make you think you're Bruce Lee. That actually got 3 different boys to stop picking on me in Jr. High. They were scared of me!

 

[iheartscience]

I was made fun of constantly growing up for being skinny. (Now I'd probably be the most popular girl in class since uber skinniness is the new hotness.) It bothered me until high school and then I just got over it. I played sports (soccer and field hockey) and was really great at both, so in hindsight that helped with my self-esteem a lot in high school.

Everyone is going to get made fun of for something growing up-I guess I just see it as a rite of passage. I think if kids have inner confidence and are able to excel at something (whether it's music, sports, etc.) they can move past it.

 

[TravelingGal]

I was made fun of constantly growing up for being skinny. (Now I'd probably be the most popular girl in class since uber skinniness is the new hotness.) It bothered me until high school and then I just got over it. I played sports (soccer and field hockey) and was really great at both, so in hindsight that helped with my self-esteem a lot in high school.

Everyone is going to get made fun of for something growing up-I guess I just see it as a rite of passage. I think if kids have inner confidence and are able to excel at something (whether it's music, sports, etc.) they can move past it.

Wow Thing...one can't win, can they? When I was in school, thin was in, but it must have been a particular thinness and not all thinness? Geez. Joke's on them, as you look amazing now!

 

[Tuckins1]

I see a lot of bullying as a teacher. I have worked in a very well-off, "upper class" elementary school, and also at an inner city very poor district, and bullying is rampant no matter where you go. I think the number one thing that a parent can do for a child is to build up their self esteem. Really develop their sense of self worth, because there will always be hateful people in life. The school can also do workshops and assemblies on bullying and anti-bullying campaigns. We have done a number of assemblies where students act out common bullying situations, and then model the correct and incorrect ways to deal with it. We show children what bullying looks like- meaning that it's not just physical, but bullying using words and actions, too. It breaks my heart to see this stuff going on with kids. I do all I can to be there for any of my students who need to talk to someone, and also put an immediate stop to any kind of unkind/unfair behavior that I witness.

 

[Nashville]

Luckily I never really experienced being "bullied" (teased maybe, but most kids experience that growing up) but it does scare me.

Nowadays the internet can be a really useful tool for bullies, almost to the point of stalking. It's disgusting.

The scariest thing is, you could be the best most supportive parent in the world but there's not much power parents have against bullies until people start taking it more seriously and bullies start getting charges pressed against them for harassment. Bullying at school is a place where teachers have the opportunity to intervene, but then you have the psycho bullies who get on their computer and mess with people's live outside the "safe zone." What are parents supposed to do then? Most kids won't say anything because they are afraid that if they do, their attackers will become even more relentless.

ETA: One of my friends is a middle school teacher, and she notes that the meaner of the *female* students especially form into these wolf-packs, and the mentality is to rip anyone outside of the pack to shreds. Sending my child into this is a scary prospect... hopefully she will have a good head on her shoulders.

 

[fieryred33143]

I've mentioned before that this is one of my greatest fears.

I hate to say this but if your child IS the bully, it's much easier to control. You can take them to anger management classes, counseling to help identify the problems, get them involved in positive organizations, etc.

But what do you do if your child is the victim? What do you say? How do you make it stop? ETA: and what I mean by this is how do you identify why your child is a victim? Is it because the child is too sensitive, the way they dress, the way they look, the things they say, the friends they have??

There's only so many speeches you can give your child about having the confidence to ignore these comments. And what if you end up with a child who is an extremely emotional child and is so affected by these comments that they want to end it all?

I was a victim of mocking, never bullying. I have been overweight all of my life and have been picked on because of it. But there was also something about me as a child where I understood more of the psychology behind it--why the kids were picking on me and it was easier to rise above it. Did it still hurt? Absolutely, still does. But it never stopped me from doing well in school or making great friends. I'm hoping that whatever it was that my parents did to help me understand, I can do the same for my daughter.

Another thing that scares me is that kids are a lot smarter today than they were years ago. They understand how to emotionally manipulate another person and that is scary.

 

[iheartscience]

I was made fun of constantly growing up for being skinny. (Now I'd probably be the most popular girl in class since uber skinniness is the new hotness.) It bothered me until high school and then I just got over it. I played sports (soccer and field hockey) and was really great at both, so in hindsight that helped with my self-esteem a lot in high school.

Everyone is going to get made fun of for something growing up-I guess I just see it as a rite of passage. I think if kids have inner confidence and are able to excel at something (whether it's music, sports, etc.) they can move past it.

Wow Thing...one can't win, can they? When I was in school, thin was in, but it must have been a particular thinness and not all thinness? Geez. Joke's on them, as you look amazing now!

Aw, thanks! Yep, I was VERY skinny growing up and I always got made fun of for it. In high school I weighed about 25-30 pounds less than I do now. That's hard for even me to imagine now! I didn't hit 100 pounds until my sophomore year of high school!

I was pretty aggressive and confrontational about it (for example, a pudgy girl called me a skeleton and I told her she was just jealous because she was fat), but it still bothered me. I think my mouthiness definitely kept some people from picking on me. And I would literally get in a fist fight with anyone who was mean to my twin sister, so they left her alone for the most part. One of my proudest middle school moments was when a girl told her best friend to stop picking on my twin sister because I would get in the girl's face if she didn't!

 

[jas]

I actually did a lot of research on this in grad school...I don't have tons of time to post, but participation in sports/athletics (team and/or more individual like running and martial arts [which I know aren't completely individual]) are one fantastic way to give girls (and boys) a healthy sense of self, physically and emotionally.

Other activities, of course, are helpful. Any place a gal can have another adult who is not a family member help her achieve in some respect is good for coping and developing strong young woman.

Have you read Queen Bees and Wannabes?

Bullying is insidious and the interwebs has made it more interesting, nastier, what have you.

Also, you never know...A. could have no commentary about her height thrown her way. Your reactions, as I know you know, are also going to be crucial.

Sorry this is scattered...

 

[monarch64]

I totally got picked on in high school for being tall (5'10"). It was never by girls, though, and instead of hunching over I focused on being involved in activities which encouraged excellent posture such as playing piano, flag corps (you have to "project"--it's very shoulders-back, chest-open-and-out), choir, etc. You can't sing from your diaphragm while hunched over, and playing Chopin doesn't really lend itself to Ray Charles-esque slouching either.

I did own a ton of Sam & Libby ballet flats, though!

Yes, bullying happens. But as a parent I think it's great to take preventative measures and first assume the best of your child's peers, and second to encourage them to do things that are empowering--things that THEY enjoy and excel at. Whatever builds their confidence and pride will help them stay strong in the face of peer pressure or bullying.

Regarding what I said about assuming the best of your child's peers: my mother was really insecure about her weight. She was so worried that I was developing too quickly at 11 and 12 and she even told me once I had a weight problem. She had a weight problem, I never did. I think that sometimes parents project their fears onto their children and contribute to some of the things they want to protect their children from in the first place. I had an eating disorder from ages 14-18, and I couldn't even sit through a therapy session with my mother in the room by the time all was said and done because honestly her words and attitude had been that damaging. Her guilt and self-blame were even worse than her predictions/projections/whatever you want to call it.

If you're scared that your child is going to get bullied, the child will pick up on that and maybe develop the same fear, achieving the exact opposite of what you hope to accomplish by being extremely cautious and protective.

 

[TravelingGal]

Thing, your sis was lucky to have you, and you her, I know.

Fiery, yes...kids ARE savvier these days in some ways. And you're right...you just don't know what kids get picked on. What if your kid is fairly normal, but just one day says the wrong thing at the wrong time? Other kids fixate on things. Fortunately, when I was a kid, gossip spread, then people moved on. How the "victim" took the beating was key to whether it continued.

I generally flew under the radar...I wasn't nerdy, fat, tall, skinny, short, and never drew the desires of any boy (so girls couldn't hate me for that). But one day, a girl for really no reason picked on me. She didn't like my shoes. Then decided she didn't like me. She was honestly just a mean person, and didn't make much of herself, I think.

I think Thing was right...there has to be something you're good at...or something where you have a circle of friends that share your common interests. I didn't have really any friends at school (I was conscious about race since it was often thrown into my face...I went to a nearly all white school), but I went to a Korean church and was pretty popular there. So my self esteem was definitely built up as a result. I went to college and hung out with only Koreans and was again, very popular. Then I decided Koreans were annoying and married a white guy.

 

[TravelingGal]

I totally got picked on in high school for being tall (5'10"). It was never by girls, though, and instead of hunching over I focused on being involved in activities which encouraged excellent posture such as playing piano, flag corps (you have to "project"--it's very shoulders-back, chest-open-and-out), choir, etc. You can't sign from your diaphragm while hunched over, and playing Chopin doesn't really lend itself to Ray Charles-esque slouching either.

I did own a ton of Sam & Libby ballet flats, though!

Yes, bullying happens. But as a parent I think it's great to take preventative measures and first assume the best of your child's peers, and second to encourage them to do things that are empowering--things that THEY enjoy and excel at. Whatever builds their confidence and pride will help them stay strong in the face of peer pressure or bullying.

Regarding what I said about assuming the best of your child's peers: my mother was really insecure about her weight. She was so worried that I was developing too quickly at 11 and 12 and she even told me once I had a weight problem. She had a weight problem, I never did. I think that sometimes parents project their fears onto their children and contribute to some of the things they want to protect their children from in the first place. I had an eating disorder from ages 14-18, and I couldn't even sit through a therapy session with my mother in the room by the time all was said and done because honestly her words and attitude had been that damaging. Her guilt and self-blame were even worse than her predictions/projections/whatever you want to call it.

If you're scared that your child is going to get bullied, the child will pick up on that and maybe develop the same fear, achieving the exact opposite of what you hope to accomplish by being extremely cautious and protective.

Great points and so true. I learned that from my mom. She always called me beautiful and said she was proud of me for everything. I had some security from her, and I think it helped me.

Amelia is going to be tall, and while I worry, I make sure I'm like my mom with her (especially since she can understand me now). I tell her she's beautiful, smart, funny, etc. I AM going to be one of those moms where she'll just roll her eyes and tell me, "you say that because you're my mom!" And because all those things are true!

 

[TravelingGal]

Jas come back and post more when you have time. I'll go check out that book, thanks!

 

[princesss]

I was bullied pretty horribly all through school. It's definitely left scars - I'm very insecure (horrendously, in fact), very afraid of doing things "wrong" and being mocked for them, very sensitive, etc. But I've learned how to put up a really good front, so most people don't see that anymore.

It was done in school, at the mall, online...any way you can think of, the girls got to me. Some called me names (wh*re was a favourite, which was the only one I could laugh at because I was kind of a prude, especially compared to the girls calling me that), some spread rumours about me, some physically threatened me, and I'm sure there are things I've blocked from my memory. Every time we moved, I hoped that would be the school where I wouldn't get mocked/bullied, but it never stopped. Things started in 2nd or 3rd grade and didn't stop until college.

What made things worse for me, TBH, was listening to well-meaning adults about not stooping to their level, not retaliating, etc. The more I ignored, the worse it got. I'm convinced that had I stood up to them a little more, it wouldn't have been as bad as it was. I was an easy target, and at their core the girls were cowards that wouldn't survive a fair fight.

Make sure A knows she can talk to you (I always knew I could talk to my mom, and did frequently), make sure she's got an activity she can throw herself into and focus on (sports, drama, dance), and let her know that if you have to, you'll fight it however you can. I never wanted my mom to help, but I knew she would, so I never felt like there was nothing else that could be done and the situation was hopeless.

 

[TravelingGal]

I was bullied pretty horribly all through school. It's definitely left scars - I'm very insecure (horrendously, in fact), very afraid of doing things "wrong" and being mocked for them, very sensitive, etc. But I've learned how to put up a really good front, so most people don't see that anymore.

It was done in school, at the mall, online...any way you can think of, the girls got to me. Some called me names (wh*re was a favourite, which was the only one I could laugh at because I was kind of a prude, especially compared to the girls calling me that), some spread rumours about me, some physically threatened me, and I'm sure there are things I've blocked from my memory. Every time we moved, I hoped that would be the school where I wouldn't get mocked/bullied, but it never stopped. Things started in 2nd or 3rd grade and didn't stop until college.

What made things worse for me, TBH, was listening to well-meaning adults about not stooping to their level, not retaliating, etc. The more I ignored, the worse it got. I'm convinced that had I stood up to them a little more, it wouldn't have been as bad as it was. I was an easy target, and at their core the girls were cowards that wouldn't survive a fair fight.

Make sure A knows she can talk to you (I always knew I could talk to my mom, and did frequently), make sure she's got an activity she can throw herself into and focus on (sports, drama, dance), and let her know that if you have to, you'll fight it however you can. I never wanted my mom to help, but I knew she would, so I never felt like there was nothing else that could be done and the situation was hopeless.

Princess, I'm sorry to hear that. Why do you think you were bullied? Especially since it happened at more than one school?

Very interesting about the ignoring part...so giving no reaction didn't help in your case....

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I have found that the only way to deal with bullies - at school, at work, and in life - is to stand up to them. Fear is their weapon. Whenever I've come right back at bullies on their own terms, they went whimpering back into their sewers. It can be a difficult thing to do, but it has to be done. Children need to be taught how to deal with bullies at an early age.

 

[E B]

Yes, bullying happens. But as a parent I think it's great to take preventative measures and first assume the best of your child's peers, and second to encourage them to do things that are empowering--things that THEY enjoy and excel at. Whatever builds their confidence and pride will help them stay strong in the face of peer pressure or bullying.

I think this is great advice. I can't control what other children do or say, so my focus is on how my child treats others and how he feels about himself. To be honest, I'm more afraid of my kid being the bully. He'll be one of the tallest (if not THE tallest) in his class, and it seems like the bullies are always the biggest kids- among boys, at least. That's why I plan to raise him as a gentle giant.

I think Thing is correct about all children being bullied for something. In middle school, I was teased for being short and flat-chested. I remember how awful it felt to be teased for something I couldn't control, which is the case for most children, I'd guess.

I remember once, in 7th grade, my mom gave me a 'comeback' to use when a boy said something about my lack of development. It included something like 'the pebble in your pants you call your manhood.' Was it the most mature way to handle it? No. It shut him up, though.

 

[fieryred33143]

I was bullied pretty horribly all through school. It's definitely left scars - I'm very insecure (horrendously, in fact), very afraid of doing things "wrong" and being mocked for them, very sensitive, etc. But I've learned how to put up a really good front, so most people don't see that anymore.

It was done in school, at the mall, online...any way you can think of, the girls got to me. Some called me names (wh*re was a favourite, which was the only one I could laugh at because I was kind of a prude, especially compared to the girls calling me that), some spread rumours about me, some physically threatened me, and I'm sure there are things I've blocked from my memory. Every time we moved, I hoped that would be the school where I wouldn't get mocked/bullied, but it never stopped. Things started in 2nd or 3rd grade and didn't stop until college.

What made things worse for me, TBH, was listening to well-meaning adults about not stooping to their level, not retaliating, etc. The more I ignored, the worse it got. I'm convinced that had I stood up to them a little more, it wouldn't have been as bad as it was. I was an easy target, and at their core the girls were cowards that wouldn't survive a fair fight.

Make sure A knows she can talk to you (I always knew I could talk to my mom, and did frequently), make sure she's got an activity she can throw herself into and focus on (sports, drama, dance), and let her know that if you have to, you'll fight it however you can. I never wanted my mom to help, but I knew she would, so I never felt like there was nothing else that could be done and the situation was hopeless.

Princess I'm very sorry to hear that you went through this. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you

The bolded part is specifically what scares me as I mentioned above. My cousin was also bullied a lot in every school because she was (is) gorgeous. Knockout body, long flowing hair, beautiful eyes, just a stunning person. Girls HATED her. She was once jumped by 5 girls because the love interest of one liked my cousin. She wasn't even interested in him.

Anyway, my aunt who always meant well would tell her that everyone was just jealous of her (which they were) and to ignore it. So she did just that and it only made the situation worse. But what else could anyone have said to her to make it better?

 

[princesss]

I was bullied pretty horribly all through school. It's definitely left scars - I'm very insecure (horrendously, in fact), very afraid of doing things "wrong" and being mocked for them, very sensitive, etc. But I've learned how to put up a really good front, so most people don't see that anymore.

It was done in school, at the mall, online...any way you can think of, the girls got to me. Some called me names (wh*re was a favourite, which was the only one I could laugh at because I was kind of a prude, especially compared to the girls calling me that), some spread rumours about me, some physically threatened me, and I'm sure there are things I've blocked from my memory. Every time we moved, I hoped that would be the school where I wouldn't get mocked/bullied, but it never stopped. Things started in 2nd or 3rd grade and didn't stop until college.

What made things worse for me, TBH, was listening to well-meaning adults about not stooping to their level, not retaliating, etc. The more I ignored, the worse it got. I'm convinced that had I stood up to them a little more, it wouldn't have been as bad as it was. I was an easy target, and at their core the girls were cowards that wouldn't survive a fair fight.

Make sure A knows she can talk to you (I always knew I could talk to my mom, and did frequently), make sure she's got an activity she can throw herself into and focus on (sports, drama, dance), and let her know that if you have to, you'll fight it however you can. I never wanted my mom to help, but I knew she would, so I never felt like there was nothing else that could be done and the situation was hopeless.

Princess, I'm sorry to hear that. Why do you think you were bullied? Especially since it happened at more than one school?

Very interesting about the ignoring part...so giving no reaction didn't help in your case....

We moved around a lot, so being new you're always an easy target if you don't fit in right away. I'm kind of a nerd, very awkward (well, less awkward now, lol), tall, and was suuuuuper skinny, so I didn't look like the average girl which definitely made it harder. I usually clung onto wherever we'd just left pretty hard, so I didn't make it easy for myself, either. I rarely went in with an open mind and willing to figure things out - I was too busy mourning where we'd just left. So I kind of isolated myself early. And I am a really shy person (though people wouldn't know that because I've learned to act like I'm not), so I didn't really feel comfortable just talking to people and trying to make friends. I don't think kids are bullied for just *one* thing - I think you're picked on for one thing, but bullied when there's a combination of things that make the kids think that they're better than you are, so you don't matter as much as they do.

 

[TravelingGal]

Yes, bullying happens. But as a parent I think it's great to take preventative measures and first assume the best of your child's peers, and second to encourage them to do things that are empowering--things that THEY enjoy and excel at. Whatever builds their confidence and pride will help them stay strong in the face of peer pressure or bullying.

I think this is great advice. I can't control what other children do or say, so my focus is on how my child treats others and how he feels about himself. To be honest, I'm more afraid of my kid being the bully. He'll be one of the tallest (if not THE tallest) in his class, and it seems like the bullies are always the biggest kids. That's why I plan to raise him as a gentle giant.

I think Thing is correct about all children being bullied for something. In middle school, I was teased for being short and flat-chested. I remember how awful it felt to be teased for something I couldn't control, which is the case for most children, I'd guess.

I remember once, in 7th grade, my mom gave me a 'comeback' to use when a boy said something about my lack of development. It included something like 'the pebble in your pants you call your manhood.' Was it the most mature way to handle it? No. It shut him up, though.

I do fear Amelia being a bully too. If she were one of those mean girls...gah! I think in some ways, it would be harder for her to stand up to her own friends and say that what they were doing is not right. No one wants to be ostracized when they're already in the in crowd!

I had an inherent sense of right and wrong as a kid. I knew certain things before my mom even taught me. I see the same things in Amelia, and see she has a sense of empathy already. This gives me great hope.

 

[steph72276]

Well, I taught pre-k and kindergarten for a number of years and I can tell you it can and does start at that age with both boys and girls. It is almost like they can "sniff out" the ones that are scared or won't say anything back or those that are different in some way. But in that age group, socialization and academics were somewhat of equal importance to me because this was their foundation to how their character is formed, so I was very vigilant in looking out for any type of bullying. I was always observing, especially in social situations such as recess or lunchtime. I did a lot of listening in to how they were speaking to each other and tried to cut off any negativity before it progressed. For those children that seemed to be "outsiders" I would try to match them up with a buddy (usually the really sweet children that would befriend anyone) and would even help to try and arrange playdates with the parents. I would have conferences with parents and observations from guidance councilors for those children showing signs of being a bully to nip it in the bud. We would have countless activities dealing with character and how to treat other people and lessons on how everyone is different and unique and that's what makes them special. I would hope that I made a tiny bit of difference in some of those kids' lives, but ultimately I think the most important factor is parental involvement. Knowing who your child is friends with, getting to know their parents, picking up on feelings of sadness, etc. is extremely important to help your child deal with bullying issues. Making sure they know they can come to you with their problems is a huge thing. It's a very scary and very serious issue.

 

[princesss]

I was bullied pretty horribly all through school. It's definitely left scars - I'm very insecure (horrendously, in fact), very afraid of doing things "wrong" and being mocked for them, very sensitive, etc. But I've learned how to put up a really good front, so most people don't see that anymore.

It was done in school, at the mall, online...any way you can think of, the girls got to me. Some called me names (wh*re was a favourite, which was the only one I could laugh at because I was kind of a prude, especially compared to the girls calling me that), some spread rumours about me, some physically threatened me, and I'm sure there are things I've blocked from my memory. Every time we moved, I hoped that would be the school where I wouldn't get mocked/bullied, but it never stopped. Things started in 2nd or 3rd grade and didn't stop until college.

What made things worse for me, TBH, was listening to well-meaning adults about not stooping to their level, not retaliating, etc. The more I ignored, the worse it got. I'm convinced that had I stood up to them a little more, it wouldn't have been as bad as it was. I was an easy target, and at their core the girls were cowards that wouldn't survive a fair fight.

Make sure A knows she can talk to you (I always knew I could talk to my mom, and did frequently), make sure she's got an activity she can throw herself into and focus on (sports, drama, dance), and let her know that if you have to, you'll fight it however you can. I never wanted my mom to help, but I knew she would, so I never felt like there was nothing else that could be done and the situation was hopeless.

Princess I'm very sorry to hear that you went through this. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you

The bolded part is specifically what scares me as I mentioned above. My cousin was also bullied a lot in every school because she was (is) gorgeous. Knockout body, long flowing hair, beautiful eyes, just a stunning person. Girls HATED her. She was once jumped by 5 girls because the love interest of one liked my cousin. She wasn't even interested in him.

Anyway, my aunt who always meant well would tell her that everyone was just jealous of her (which they were) and to ignore it. So she did just that and it only made the situation worse. But what else could anyone have said to her to make it better?

What I wish I'd known was to fire back at the girls - girl fights aren't fun, but learning to stand up and tell them where to shove it would have helped a lot. Girls need to know it's okay to fight back, and to defend themselves. We get so caught up in being the nice girl and not getting in fights that we back down when we should be defending ourselves. If my daughter goes through what I did, I'll be telling her to fight back. To do it honestly, and in the open, and not use the same bullying tactics, but if somebody calls her a wh*re, not to just sit there and take it or walk away. She needs to stand her ground and fight back, and I will back her decision to do so.

 

[soocool]

I was one of the tallest in school, but I was never bullied. I was the tough one, into sports, but mainly I got along with most anyone. I was likeable and no one would allow bad things to be said about anyone in our group.

DD is also tall, but she is also very slender and in elementary school there was this one girl who constantly said she was anorexic despite seeing that my DD ate an enormous lunch. The girl who picked on her was quite on the heavy side and I thought it was her way of getting back at my daughter because she was jealous. When I spoke to the teacher I found out more about this girl and that she has a social disorder and spoke the most inappropriate things. It is funny that my DD is now friends with this girl (not best of friends) and that the girl for the most part is very nice, but no one gets really close to her because of her disorder.

There have been others who mentioned DD's weight , but by high school DD was normal compared to many of the other girls (who DD says really do starve themselves). Luckily, DD has a strong network of good friends and there is much to be said about strength in numbers. They are always defending each other and standing up for each other. If you show you are weak then I believe you will be bullied as bullies like to prey on the weak. Get your daughter involved in girl scouts, sports, whatever so she has a strong social network. You will always find girls who will be nasty, but if your daughter has good friends she will likely not be bullied.

 

[TravelingGal]

I was bullied pretty horribly all through school. It's definitely left scars - I'm very insecure (horrendously, in fact), very afraid of doing things "wrong" and being mocked for them, very sensitive, etc. But I've learned how to put up a really good front, so most people don't see that anymore.

It was done in school, at the mall, online...any way you can think of, the girls got to me. Some called me names (wh*re was a favourite, which was the only one I could laugh at because I was kind of a prude, especially compared to the girls calling me that), some spread rumours about me, some physically threatened me, and I'm sure there are things I've blocked from my memory. Every time we moved, I hoped that would be the school where I wouldn't get mocked/bullied, but it never stopped. Things started in 2nd or 3rd grade and didn't stop until college.

What made things worse for me, TBH, was listening to well-meaning adults about not stooping to their level, not retaliating, etc. The more I ignored, the worse it got. I'm convinced that had I stood up to them a little more, it wouldn't have been as bad as it was. I was an easy target, and at their core the girls were cowards that wouldn't survive a fair fight.

Make sure A knows she can talk to you (I always knew I could talk to my mom, and did frequently), make sure she's got an activity she can throw herself into and focus on (sports, drama, dance), and let her know that if you have to, you'll fight it however you can. I never wanted my mom to help, but I knew she would, so I never felt like there was nothing else that could be done and the situation was hopeless.

Princess I'm very sorry to hear that you went through this. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you

The bolded part is specifically what scares me as I mentioned above. My cousin was also bullied a lot in every school because she was (is) gorgeous. Knockout body, long flowing hair, beautiful eyes, just a stunning person. Girls HATED her. She was once jumped by 5 girls because the love interest of one liked my cousin. She wasn't even interested in him.

Anyway, my aunt who always meant well would tell her that everyone was just jealous of her (which they were) and to ignore it. So she did just that and it only made the situation worse. But what else could anyone have said to her to make it better?

What I wish I'd known was to fire back at the girls - girl fights aren't fun, but learning to stand up and tell them where to shove it would have helped a lot. Girls need to know it's okay to fight back, and to defend themselves. We get so caught up in being the nice girl and not getting in fights that we back down when we should be defending ourselves. If my daughter goes through what I did, I'll be telling her to fight back. To do it honestly, and in the open, and not use the same bullying tactics, but if somebody calls her a wh*re, not to just sit there and take it or walk away. She needs to stand her ground and fight back, and I will back her decision to do so.

I totally agree princesss. I know that there's debate on what one should teach her kid if she's hit by another, but I'm OK with if someone hits you, you can hit back. And I'll back her up on it.

I was once called a chink by two boys from their apartment window. Long story short, I went over there to defend myself and told them to come out and put up their dukes (they were perched on the window sill and it had no screen). They tried to escape into the apartment and nearly slammed the sliding glass on my hand. Angry, I slammed the window with my hand. It accidentally went through.

I played it off like I did it on purpose and told them never to mess with me again. The cops came over later (I'm sure they were amused, but I didn't know it at the time). My dad came home and I thought I was going to get a beating (my dad was scary). He simply told me he was proud of me, and that I needed to stand up to racial remarks. I went with him to fix the window (I stayed in the car) and my dad never said another word about it. And those boys avoided me clear throughout high school (we were in jr. high at the time.)

 

[Porridge]

I was lucky, I was in a fairly small school and bullying did not seem to be a problem. As a class, we all got on very well with each other and there weren't many mean girl incidences that I was aware of. I experienced it a couple of times, but nothing out of the ordinary or particularly horrid. I was also big into sports and music all through school which definitely helps.

Knowing how to stand up for yourself and fight back is vital. Unfortunately, my younger cousin had an awful time at school with bullying. By far the most effective approach was me and a group of my friends confronting those girls. They ran away like the little cowards they were and were sickeningly nice to her for the rest of the year. After that, she switched schools and made some great friends.

She is now a gorgeous, happy, smart, athletic young woman with a ton of friends and is close to a graduating with a fantastic degree

Bullying sickens me. It's everywhere, and it doesn't stop at childhood. I firmly believe children need to be armed with the ability to send these cowards scurrying back under their rocks.

 

[fieryred33143]

Princess-thank you for sharing your experience and what you learned from it I will have to keep that in mind for the future.

 

[princesss]

Princess-thank you for sharing your experience and what you learned from it I will have to keep that in mind for the future.

Glad I could help, fiery! I think as a victim of bullying the worst thing I can do about it is be silent about my experiences, because then I'm just helping the cycle perpetuate itself. A while ago I decided to just be open about it, and about the things I still struggle with that relate to it because we need to give girls a voice. I hate thinking that parents are going up against this unarmed because we're too eager to close that chapter of our lives and never have to look back on it. Yeah, it'd probably be less painful to never talk about it, but if you're feeling like you've got a little better grip on it to help Sophia (or any other girl) when she's older, then I'll talk about it all day long.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I was fat, I was poor and I was not athletic or particularly bright. As such, I was bullied and harassed all the way up until I graduated HS. I don't know how we can combat it other than to work to ensure that our children are not bullies.

 

[iheartscience]

I agree that children (especially girls) should be taught to stand up for themselves verbally and, if necessary, physically. As a total tomboy and competitive athlete I wasn't afraid of anyone beating me up. (Plus I got beat up by my older brother plenty and knew I could take anyone.) And I think it's important for a picked on kid to throw an insult back at the bully-it stopped them in their tracks every time.

Obviously a major part of standing up to someone is confidence, though, which is why I think it's so important to get kids involved in activities, and sports in particular. (I personally think dance and gymnastics are very body-focused, so I wouldn't want my female children involved with either.) Just being on a team gives kids a feeling of belonging. I still remember wearing my soccer or field hockey uniform to school on game days and how fun it was. We were all so proud. And anytime we won, or even scored on a team we had never scored on before, people heard about it from the morning announcements or school paper and would make positive comments about it.

Plus on my teams there were all grade levels and popularity levels. I actually wasn't unpopular in school, but I definitely didn't fit in with any of the popular groups. (Nor did I want to.) My friends and I were a motley crew. But I was friends with kids in all groups (including the popular girls), in part because of playing with some of them.

TGal-I think it's great that your dad wasn't mad at you for standing up to them. My parents also always encouraged us to stand up for ourselves and we never got in trouble for it, either.