BTDT moms with more than one child - advice?

[Puppmom]

, PS mommies! I'm hoping you all can share any pointers you have regarding having multiple little ones. I'm pregnant with my third but there's a 15 year gap between my first two. So, I'm really not experienced with having more than one *child* - little ones anyway.

Most of my fears stem from my overwhelming guilt about how DS's life will change when his little brother comes along in a few months. I logically know that a sibling will not ruin his life but I'm having some (probably irrational) worries about the changes to his life.

We're trying our best to plan and MIL has been extremely helpful. She has graciously offered to continue watching DS two days a week while I'm on maternity leave and has offered her help any other time we need it. I think this will really be beneficial for his transition because his schedule will stay the same for a bit and he LOVES his grandma! She also said if DS wants those two days as mommy time, she's happy to take care of the baby instead.

Any other pointers/tips/ideas to keep DS feeling involved and important? All while trying to keep sane?

PS - Did anyone hit a point in their pregnancy where they began to panic? Like in a "what the hell was I thinking" sort of way? I'm totally there at the moment. Hope it's normal!

 

[Kunzite]

pupp, I'm still panicking about what I got myself into! I wonder when that will go away?? I think that first you need to let the guilt go. Having a baby brother is a positive thing for N, not a negative thing. It might be an adjustment at first but it won't take long. Just remind yourself that in a few short months he won't even remember a time without the baby. I think you're making the most important step by keeping his schedule the same. People were shocked that we left O in daycare when the babies were born. Of course we would! He loved daycare and certainly wouldn't have enjoyed spending the day with me while I dedicated myself to two babies!! With O we just eased him into it. That wasn't hard since babies sleep so much at first. So for the first few months he only saw them in small doses. We had very little jealousy issues, so I'd saying easing in really helped. The fact that you will still have so many people around (you, DH, DD, and MIL) to show him attention and affection will likely be enough to make the transition painless. Really our biggest struggle has just been trying to teach O that he has to be gentle with the babies. It's an abstract concept that is still hard for him, but he certainly isn't malicious with them... just careless!

Congrats again, I'm so excited for you!!

 

[Laila619]

Hi puppmom!

Well I'm not necessarily an 'experienced' mom of two, since my second is only 10 days old but so far so good. I was worried about how my son would handle it, but he is unphased and doesn't even seem to know anything has changed, lol. I think he thinks of his little sister as a cute new toy or something. He hardly notices she is around, and then when he does, he looks at her for a few minutes and then it's back to playing with his trucks. I think N will love having a little brother around, especially when they are both older and can play together! Think of all the fun they will have!

I will say that I feel guilty I can't spend as much time with L now like I used to. DH basically is spending all his time playing with and entertaining L, while I nurse the baby. L is such a mama's boy, and I hope he won't 'forget' me and our special connection now that DH is the one who is always with him.

 

[ponder]

How old is DS? 18 months and younger a new sibling is about as interesting as new furniture. Actually, less, because you can't jump

​

on it. I have 3 kids, and when DS was born this spring DD#1 was 30 months, DD#2 was 15.5 months. I actually had 3 in diapers for about a month or so.

Biggest tips: 1. This is a positive thing!!!! The best gift you can give your child is a sibling and you will be amazed at how quickly they will begin to interact and play together. Do not make any negative comments or tone about the new baby. Don't plant any doubt in DS#1 little mind that this is anything but the best thing that has ever happened to him. He doesn't t need to worry that he may not have as much time and attention from you as he is used to. You reassuring him may make him worry. Focus on being excited about being a big brother and how wonderful a new baby is going to be.

. 2. The reality of bringing the baby home will hopefully be a good one. In our experience the kids found the baby uninteresting after the first few minutes. We mainly found that they did want a little more attention than usual and mostly would try and climb onto the lap of whomever had the baby. This only lasted for a few days.

. 3. The hardest adjustment may be for you as DS#1 may temporarily bond more strongly with Dad or even Grandma for awhile. Its hard when your little ones suddenly dont prefer you for everything. This is temporary and is helpful for you concentrate on the baby and yourself.
. 4. Focus on the big boy aspect of having a new baby. DS#1 is a "big boy" he gets to go with grandma, do special things with Daddy, eat cookies, have bubble baths, etc. We actually finally got DD#1 potty trained by focusing on being a big girl/big sister

With older kids, jealousy and aggression are always possibilities, but I was lucky enough not to have any issues with this. DD#1 was actually incredibly nurturing and interested in her little brother at almost 3 years old. I was actually worried we might have serious jealousy issues since she was so attached to me at the time. there are some threads on jealousy and aggression that I read before DS and can be really helpful if you have problems.

 

[qtiekiki]

What is/will be the age gap between your second and third?

My kids are 18 months apart. I really don't think DD remembers a time when she was the only child. She was interested at her baby brother for a couple of days, but was mostly uninterested. DH and MIL helped out when I NEEDED to tend to DS (BFing, putting him to sleep, etc), I played with DD when DS is sleeping and interacted with both of them when DS is awake. Basically, I just tried to be as available as I can to DD, and kept her involved as much as possible. So that she doesn't feel left out. A lot of it will have to do with your DS's reactions to the baby. I know some moms who had a hard time with their first acting out against the baby.

One thing that I want to mention is that you might feel guilty for being available all the time to DS. I did. I felt really bad, even though I know I was trying the best I can. It wasn't something that I thought about or people talked about, so it was unexpected.

 

[lover in athens]

hi!
i haven't been on here in a LOOONG time, but wanted to do a quick chime in...
my kiddos are 22 months apart, and i remember SO clearly all the anxiety i felt over bringing my daughter in to "ruin" my son's life! they absolutely adore each other now.

2 quick tidbits that someone told me which are very minor in the scheme of things but really made me feel better...
in the hospital after you have the new baby, have someone bring him/her to the nursery when it is time for your first child to meet the baby. have DS in the room with you and DH and then bring the new baby in to join the three of you. that way DS doesn't feel alienated when he walks into the room and already sees you guys fawning over the infant.

and then when it's time to bring the baby home from the hospital make sure that DS comes too. have someone bring DS to you guys and then the four of you (or 5 if your older daughter is there too!) go home TOGETHER. i LOVED this and was so glad someone told me to do it otherwise it never would have occurred to me!

good luck and good to "see" you again!!

 

[Dreamer_D]

My sons are almost 4 and 16 months.

Honestly, don't worry about your older kid. He will love his sibling so much, it makes up for any sharing and jealousy. I didn't worry about those issues at all before our second kid was born. Why? because this is LIFE. You share. You have relationships. A sibling is not a burden, your older kids life in not ruined. And frankly, I think it is good for kids to learn that their parents have responsibilities other than them them them.

Anyways, our sons have such a love affair going right now I am not worried about ruining Hunter's life. Don't get me wrong, Hunter was very jealous and when his brother first came home and is jealous now, and he will often get rough with Ryder and has occassionally hurt him. Well, regularly hurt him We only use time outs for aggression and Hunter gets at least 2-3 per day -- usually from playing too rough with his brother, riding him like a pony, wrestling with him, throwing balls at his head . But Ryder is resilient and still loves his brother. It is very sweet to watch them together, they love each other so much.

Anyways, my major tip to you is in those early weeks, try to give your older kid hugs and time. And try to head off the aggression that may surface at the pass -- I could see in Hunter's eyes when he was jealous and would quickly ask, "Would you like a hug too?" to which he would always reply, "yes". We also worked on helping him identify and verbalize his feelings of anger or jealousy, and always validated his feelings: "Its fine to be angry at Ryder, but you cannot hurt him or hit him." He will often stomp around saying, "I hate Rydie, I don't want to play with Rydie" and we always validate those feelings, saying its fine to feel like that and to go play on his own if that's how he feels. It seems to work.

Hunter also really liked to have his turn as the baby. So when Ryder was done nursing I would ask Hunter if he wanted to be the baby now, and I would hold him in my lap in the nursing position and just snuggle him. Or I would ask if he wanted me to dress him like a baby. He loved that a lot when he was feeling sensitive about the attention Ryder got.

And get your husband to take over almost all of the childcare of the older child NOW before the baby comes, so the older one gets used to it and doesn't blame lack of mommy on the new kid.

But really, the sibling stuff is small potatoes. Worry about YOU The transition from one kid to two is BRU-TAL on the parents. Your whole life becomes kids kids kids kids and you are so busy all the time. I am still feeling worn down and emotionally steam rolled by it, and we are through the worst part (the first year for us was terribly hard). Gird your loins Oh, and make sure you and your husband have a nice firm foundation, cuz you will need it to get through the kid-take-over and total loss of any romance in your life.

Hmmm. Do I sound negative?

 

[Dreamer_D]

Hi puppmom!

Well I'm not necessarily an 'experienced' mom of two, since my second is only 10 days old but so far so good. I was worried about how my son would handle it, but he is unphased and doesn't even seem to know anything has changed, lol. I think he thinks of his little sister as a cute new toy or something. He hardly notices she is around, and then when he does, he looks at her for a few minutes and then it's back to playing with his trucks. I think N will love having a little brother around, especially when they are both older and can play together! Think of all the fun they will have!

I will say that I feel guilty I can't spend as much time with L now like I used to. DH basically is spending all his time playing with and entertaining L, while I nurse the baby. L is such a mama's boy, and I hope he won't 'forget' me and our special connection now that DH is the one who is always with him.

He might forget you for a while, but he will come back. Hunter was all about Daddy for the year after Ryder was born, because DH took over almost all the mundane care while I dealt with nursing baby. But now that R is weaned and life is balanced again, H is a mommy's boy again. He has a total love affair with me, its very cute.

Oh, and your older one might notice the baby more in negative ways once he realizes she is here to stay

 

[LaraOnline]

[quote="puppmom|1352996385|3307227"

PS - Did anyone hit a point in their pregnancy where they began to panic? Like in a "what the hell was I thinking" sort of way? I'm totally there at the moment. Hope it's normal![/quote]

Haha you are hilarious, we ALL wonder what we were thinking when we are pregnant, of course! lol
When it was my second, I was worried about how my little girl was going to cope with another child.
Then with the third, you worry if you are risking everything unnecessarily, to go ahead when you already have your darling pigeon pair.

Of course, as an experienced mother, you already have laid your ground for an enjoyable and rewarding mothering experience.
You even have a generous and loving mil to help in a very substantial way!
So all signs point to 'UP'!

Of course, as you know, your current young child may be more bemused/lost/jealous when you first bring this new centre of attention home.
Raising children is a Very Long Term Game. Just think....by the time the new baby is three, the children will have a lovely relationship of their very own to enjoy and learn from.

I of course do my best to encourage a healthy sibling relationship. I direct the children to help each other with tasks, and praise them when they play well together. I can say with hand on heart that I do NOT have a favourite....that undoubtedly helps when it comes to the childrens' own relationships. (I have three - a girl aged 8, boy 6, and girl 3)

You'll do this on your ear!

 

[Puppmom]

Kunzite, I can only imagine the level of stress having 3 little ones. Gotta admit, I just see rainbows and sunshine when I look at their pics though. DS is still a little sketchy at daycare drop off and much prefers his days with Grandmom but, when I pick him up at the end of the day, he's happily playing with the kids. And, in the short ride home, he tells me about his day and is totally upbeat. I think keeping him in daycare will help on so many fronts.

Laila, congrats! I am planning to nurse again and I remember all too well that time commitment in the early days. I'm hoping that since I'm more experienced this time that I can multitask a little bit. With DS, I rarely even nursed outside of the home. And. for the first several months was bound to a chair, with the boppy...and the remote! My *plan* this time is to start wearing DS2 right away in an attempt to have my hands free. Early in this pregnancy, I felt like total poo so DH did near EVERYTHING for DS and it didn't take long for DS to decide he didn't need me so much. Once I wasn't sleeping 12 hours per day, we became fast friends again.

Ponder, DS will be 30 months when this baby comes. I hope that I can keep a positive attitude amidst the chaos and sleep deprivation. I'm sure how we act will influence DS. The one good thing we have going is that DS already has a very strong bond with Grandmom. I'll admit it - he'll ditch me in a hot minute for her most times! I'm taking it as a good sign that you decided to have a third. At the moment, I've decided I'm divorcing DH if he even MENTIONS having another child!

Qtiekiki, having less time with DS is definitely one of the things I'm worried about. Sometimes, when I'm rocking him before bed, I just stare at him and think, "What am I doing to him?". Dang hormones! He gets so much one on one time now. He's learning to play well independently but I'm wondering if I should expect him to revert a little in that area...and others.

Loverinathens, thanks for the tips. We haven't put much thought into the hospital situation. I think I've subconsciously avoided it because I feel so bad leaving DS! I know he'll be fine...logically. Even though I'm anxious now, I DO look forward to a time when they're old enough to play together and really enjoy each other. I look forward to doing family things with two small children.

Dreamer, I think I've got a head start on daddy as the main caregiver. This pregnancy has sucked the life out of me so DH does a lot. DS really isn't partial to one of us in most situations. Bedtime is pretty much mommy time but, other than that, he's perfectly happy to have either one of us. I think I know that look you speak of in Hunter's eyes, Nolan gets that when he's about to do something evil to the dog. I know I didn't mention it here because my overwhelming worry is DS but I'm freaking out about how MY life will change too. I am worried about my relationship with DH as well. The first year with DS was terribly difficult for us. We're a great team now but still feel more like partnering parents than a married couple most days. I hope to regain our status as two people who just enjoy the company of one another. One thing I hope we can do this time around is get out more often (alone that is). With DS, we didn't really accept any help (except from MIL). As a result, having anyone babysit was/is very difficult. This time around, I'm going to welcome it and maybe even ask for it!

Lara, thank you for the uplifting words. I do look forward to having a 1 and 3 year old and a 2 and 4 year old and daydream about taking them to the park or the pumpkin patch or just watching them play. I really do love the toddler years. As rough as the first year could be, it'll probably go by pretty quickly, right? It just feels so wrong not to be utterly excited about this baby.

...I'm realizing I'm just probably overwhelmed with the amount of change our lives will undergo in the next year. Baby is due in February and, not long after, DD will be off to college. So it's probably the big picture that's got me all worked up. Expect a post from me sometime in late summer '13 about how my world's about to come crashing down again because DD is leaving us.

 

[Miscka]

Oh my goodness Pupp - that is a lot of change in a short period! I only have 1.5, so no veteran advice for you, but the way I feel about it is that my 1st DSs first year FLEW by and I was so sad. Yes, there were hard times, but it's just a blink of an eye really in the long run. I really hope to drink in the experience this time more, as I hopefully know what I'm doing a little better! And I also know how quickly it will pass so I hope that helps my perspective when I'm "in the weeds". Great thread, thanks for starting it!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Well, the good news is that your second baby is so easy! At least ours way. We were so laid back and relaxed about it all. We found our older son much more challenging. He was also about 30 months when our second was born and entered a very fiesty and demanding developmental age. Bedtimes in particular were.... hard!

But time flies by as usual. You will survive! The good times are really really good, and the bad times can be really bad, but in the end its family and its rewarding.

I think because you expect the change and challenges you will be fine Expect the worst and then it might surprise you and be better.

DH and I do not get enough couple time, either, mostly because we are daycare and house poor now. But somehow we are still close and happy. And we fantasize about the future and getting our freedome back! Keep your sense of humour and you will be fine. Oh, and forgive yourself for not being perfect all the time, for losing your marbles and your cool. That's my other advice I guess.

 

[qtiekiki]

For me, DS was more difficult than DD. She played well independently early on. It's actually harder now that they are 4 and 2.5 because they would fight to speak to me, or both want me at the same time, or must have the same toys/items. And it's not that they both want me. It's more like one wants me then the other have to have me too. It drives me bunker sometimes. But when they play well together, it's so nice to just sit back and watch them.

 

[Rosebloom]

I wanted to chime in because I totally had that panic when I was pregnant. My older son was 33 months when my younger son was born. We had a really rocky start - son #2 was premature and spent weeks in the hospital and then months on oxygen support at home. I went in for a regular check up to find out that my water had broken, I had to go straight to the hospital and I would stay until the baby was born! Before that point my older had never been away from me for more than a few hours at a time and suddenly he was without mom for weeks (my husband took 8 weeks off work and one of our mothers were here for 10 weeks so we had a great support system). And honestly it was very very hard for all of us but mainly for my older son. But we survived and now, 7 months later, the baby is healthy, my older son is completely back to his happy darling self. He LOVES the baby and is such a better kid for having another little one to laugh with, share with, cuddle with and learn from. I can truly say that life is much better now for our older (and he had it really good before the babe was born too!) because its more balanced. And another baby just means more love to go around for everyone.

You've gotten some great advice from the other moms here. The only other note I'll add is that our older son did not respond well to being a "big boy." He definitely want to pretend to be a baby for a long time. I was fine with that and we had fun playing. And once was out of his system he was happy to settle into being a preschooler again. Anytime we would suggest that he do something because he was a "big boy" we got an awful response. We had better luck with his special "big brother" status. You'll know right away what's most motivating for your little one.

And even though you probably feel awful physically and emotionally remember that this is such an extraordinary gift and it will bring you so much happiness in the long run.

Oh and my husband and I have actually been on more dates since the baby was born than in the previous three years with just one kid. But it's still not enough and we still feel more like parenting partners and than a married couple. I'm hoping we will find a better balance soon. When things are tough, I keep reminding myself that this is just a phase of life and it will pass and a different exciting adventure will come along.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi,

How old is your son? My two boys are 23 months apart and they are now 12 & 10 and best friends! They've managed to form a very strong bond! One thing I did was use a boppy pillow and would put that around my waist and sit and hold my younger son, while he slept, and played with my older son. I was so sleep deprived but interacting with both little ones, in the ways that they needed, made them both feel cared about equally. I don't know your sleeping arrangements, but I also had my boys nap together! It turned out good in that they felt like they were a team! They did go through the bickering stages and still do argue over silly stuff, however, overall they are good friends. Hopefully it stays that way.

The only BIG panic I had was about 30 weeks into my first pregnancy. I realized that the baby inside me was the same weight as my cat and was going to have to come out! I freaked out about labor!

 

[Dreamer_D]

For me, DS was more difficult than DD. She played well independently early on. It's actually harder now that they are 4 and 2.5 because they would fight to speak to me, or both want me at the same time, or must have the same toys/items. And it's not that they both want me. It's more like one wants me then the other have to have me too. It drives me bunker sometimes. But when they play well together, it's so nice to just sit back and watch them.

Yeah, I am sure the persoanlity of the kid matters a lot! R\Both my sons were pretty easy babies. Toddlers not so much

 

[Puppmom]

Thanks for all of the advice! You're making me feel like I can do this. Not that I have a choice now. ..

Right now, we're trying to prepare for the baby because I feel like time will fly between now and the end of February with the holidays in between. Currently, "Operation: Get DS out of our bed" is underway. It's actually going pretty well. We're kind of winging it (just like everything else!) but we started with DH sleeping on DS's floor. We pulled the plug on that after about a week because DS would not get back into his bed and would just end up sleeping on the floor mattress with DH. I was the only one who got any sleep that week! Then, we moved to just putting DS back in bed when he got up instead of bringing him in bed with us. At first, it required rocking him back to sleep and involved 2 or 3 wake-ups but now we're down to one wake-up (sometimes none!) and rocking isn't always necessary. Our remaining struggle is the early morning. DS isn't really ready to wake up until 6 or 6:30 but starts to toss around 5am. He calls for us and I've been going in and sitting in his rocking chair with him. I'm hoping with time this will go away...but we'll see. We're kind of short on time! He's become a more independent sleeper in general as a result. Up until this, I rocked him to sleep. Now, I read to him and rock him and he asks to get in his bed. Hopefully, we can establish a solid routine before the baby comes (and not revert once baby is born!) because I think this is one of our major hurdles to maintaining our sanity.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Sounds like a good plan Pupp! And if you figure out the miracle of getting your kid to GO to bed easily, please share Hunter sleeps through now but going to sleep still takes too long.

Your guy might be too young, but we got a Gro Clock for H when he was waking up too early and it worked so well. We first gave him a little reward each morning he stayed in bed until the sun came up on the clock (a tiny plastic dinosaur), but then he just stayed in bed until the sun came up on his own after a week or so and we stopped the additional rewards. It is also sort of a night light. I think Hunter only really "got it" when he was closer to 3, but maybe your guy will get it sooner. We did not use the rewards (aka bribes) until later. I think if we used them sooner to create a postive association with the clock and staying in bed he might have cued in faster.

Here is the clock, but there are other versions: http://gro.co.uk/gro-clock

 

[Puppmom]

Dreamer, I'm currently spending about 20 minutes in his room (aside from reading) but it used be 45 minutes! I hated it because I would come out of there like the walking dead and be useless for the rest of the night!

I think you're right that DS might not *get* the clock yet but he's very into the sun, stars and moon lately (mainly the idea that they *follow* him everywhere) so I think I might give it a whirl. Maybe I'll just need to remind him each morning for a while that he should stay in his room until the sun comes up. Right now, he's happy to continue *resting* as long as I'm there...I just want to be in my own bed.

 

[Puppmom]

I order DS one of those clocks. Actually, one that's similar. It has a sleeping bunny and awake bunny that illuminate on the schedule you set. We're doing okay overnight but he's still waking up between 5 and 5:30 but he's totally not ready to be up yet. If I go in and lay or sit with him, he'll sleep another hour. I hope sleeping bunny works!

 

[SB621]

Hey PM!

My kids are 15 months apart. And honestly the first year was hard for me. I got pregnant when DS was only 5 months old and I feel that he did miss out on all the attention he should have had. I watch my friends who have 2 year olds and they sit down and devote so much time to their toddlers while I'm crazy running around chasing after 2 (ah the joys of 2U2). However, now that DD has turned 1 and is more mobile DS loves having a sibling. He shares toys with her, protects her, wants to push her stroller. It is so amazing and special to watch them bond. While I regret what little time I had to spend with just my son, I love how our little family functions now. Don't over think this. Try to concentrate on all the great things that are coming. You will have 2 boys- who will grow up to be amazing friends!

 

[Puppmom]

Sarah, I can imagine feeling terribly overwhelmed! Seems like the consensus is that things *settle down* after year 1. I do very much look forward to the days when the kids interact and N takes his little brother under his wing.

So...I'm pretty sure I might have a touch of depression (is there such a thing as pregnancy depression like PPD?) or some sort of prenatal hormonal issue going on. I've never been depressed before so it's hard for me to tell. I can work my way through the justifiable worries like money and time and other logistics usually BUT I still worry non-stop to the point that I'm up most nights, I'm grumpy (mostly toward DH) all of the time and I'm not excited for the baby. I hate being pregnant this go around and can't tell if I want the next 10 weeks to fly by so I don't have to be pregnant anymore or I want this baby to bake forever! I'm crawling out of my skin and haven't been motivated to do anything. This kid will be here in 10 weeks or less and the office still needs to be converted into a nursery (and the attic into an office). DH can handle these things but wants my input on paint etc. and needs me to care for DS while he does things. We have no names, no clothes other than hand-me-downs (which I have yet to sort through), no plan for delivery, no solid plan for childcare...nothing. Every time we try to talk about it, I get so overwhelmed.

DH is so frustrated with me. The other day he said that he can tell this pregnancy has been very difficult for me physically and emotionally but most of the time he doesn't feel bad or have a desire to do nice things for me because he's just so angry that I'm so bitchy all of the time. I can see why he feels that way but I kind of wish he just would have kept that to himself. There's a part of me too that feels like he should just suck it up too. But then I wonder if I could if I was on the receiving end...

 

[Rosebloom]

Oh, Puppmom, sounds like you're having quite a rough spell. I'm so sorry! Being a mom is so hard sometimes and we've all had those moments where we get stuck in a funk and are unable to snap out of it and return to our happy light hearted self.

But, I think you should get some help. I don't know if you're open to talking with a therapist but if so I'd recommend starting there. It can be so helpful to get stuff off your chest.

You still have plenty of time before the baby arrives. Getting your house in order would be handy but most important is reconnecting with your hubby and son. This new baby will be such a wonderful adventure but you'll need your team (you, hubby, son) to be communicating well and loving each other.

If therapy isn't an option, you may like the book "Unstuck." I found it very helpful at a challenging time in my life.

FWIW, I really wish your hubby hasn't said that to you! Not helpful at all!!!

Give yourself a big hug and be extra kind to yourself today.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Pupp would you like me to punch your husband in the face for you? I will come right over I am kidding of course, but you get my drift.

Sorry, he does not get to lay his crap on you at this point. Not ok! So, don't feel guilty about your emotions and strains. And don't let him make you feel guilty.

Here is the basics: You do not NEED to do anything to prepare for this baby. You do not NEED to paint a room, or organize clothing, or anything. All you really need when the baby comes is a cot in your room, some diapers, and some way to feed the baby. That's it! If its too hard right now to plan and organize, don't do it. Scale back to the bare necessities in life. Be in the moment, think only about what you are doing right now and in an hour. Don't think about tomorrow or a week from now. That is how I coped with life for a little over a year -- from the tail end of pregnancy until my younger son was about a year old and was weaned. Yes, it is not the amazing bliss that you may think you should feel. But its getting by, its surviving! And its ok

I think that it is natural and normal to be very confused, and stressed, and moody when you are experiencing such a huge transition. Give yourself permission to feel things, positive and negative. Don't judge your emotions. And repeat: "This too shall pass" for all your bad feelings and struggles.

Are you depressed? Maybe. I know I was not myself for a long time around the birth of my second child. In the end I did not see a therapist and opted for other methods of coping. Distraction with personal projects, scaling back my expectations for myself and my life, simplifying things. I knew that time would change how I felt and the situation we were in. And it did! But if you want someone to vent to and talk to, seek out a counsellor. Or vent here on PS! Or to a friend. Sometimes knowing what you feel is NORMAL and that it will pass is all it takes to get through.

 

[Kunzite]

DD's post x 1,000

pupp, you don't need to stress about getting things done. We did exactly two things before the babies were born. 1) made sure their diapers were pulled out of storage and washed. 2) made sure they had a bed of some sort. That's it! We still haven't bought any clothes. Apparently O's wardrobe was big enough for two I know you have diapers, plan to BF, have clothes, and I'll make an assumption there is or will be somewhere for the baby to sleep. Therefore you're set!

I understand about feeling overwhelmed. When we found out #2 was actually #2 & #3 I had the same thing. But there are only so many solutions to any one problem, you know? So DH and I identified what we needed to figure out and tackled the list by narrowing down the solutions. Maybe it would help you visualize by writing a list to make things feel more manageable and not so overwhelming. If you and DH go over it together maybe it will help you feel more unified.

As for your DH I wonder if getting into counseling together before the baby is here would be a good idea. My DH and I made an amazing team when O was born. I always read posts about ladies complaining about their DHs and I couldn't relate in the least. We divided and conquered, he was an equal partner, yadayada... I thought we were golden for a second go. I was very wrong. The dynamic is so different the second time around and we are always tired (zombies maybe) and stressed out. I find myself snapping at him all.the.time. Last night I got up to feed Miles and his diaper had leaked so I needed to change him. I kid you not, all my DH did was make a bottle, get him a new outfit, and get him a new sleep sack. But somehow in my zombie state with an irate baby threatening to wake up the other baby (Miles won't take a pacifier so he freaked out through the entire change) I found fault with something my DH did! I have no idea what it was but in my mind he had made me feel like the baby crying was my fault and I was taking too long. Rationally I know my DH would never think this, let alone say it! But that didn't keep me from snapping at him that he should just do it himself if he didn't like me doing it! Luckily we're both well aware of why the snapping happens and don't even acknowledge it most of the time. Once he said, "I'm not the enemy." To which I replied, I know but... and listed off all of the stressful events of the day. So my point (and I swear I have one!) is just that things will be different this time around so it might be a good idea to make sure you two are on the same page and very understanding with each other before the baby gets here.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Kunzite makes a really good point about how your relationship changes when you have a second child.

There is no question that the stress and basic business means you need to really learn to bite your own tongue on sharp retorts. And you also need to learn to overlook your partner's bad behavior too!

While I think its nice when there is no conflict in a relationship, that is not a reasonable expectations when you add a child to the mix. Some parents experience the big transition in stress and change in their relationship when one kid is born. But we were like Kunzite and her hubby with our first kid. It did not change our relationship much. Adding the second kid was like a big huge bomb going off -- everything changed! We were BUSY all the time. Asking for a break meant that your partner had to watch two kids, not one, so that was a much bigger request to make. Any time together as a family with the kids was all about the kids, all the time, and we did not get to relax as a couple until the last one was in bed at night.

I will not lie, the first year after our second child was born was very hard on me, and challenging in our relationship. We did not have a lot of conflict and never hurt one another's feelings badly. Those are just not our "ways". But we had to practice the fine art of overlooking your partner's bad and stressed out behavior. Both of us has to practice biting our tongues so that irritability did not blow up into full blown conflict! So if we had a situation in the middle of the night like Kunzite mentioned -- and boy, we had those types of things all the time! -- if me husband said, "I am not the enemy" then I would try as hard as I could to marshal my few reserves and just shut up! haha... or if I could not do that, and decided to dump a laundry list on him, then HE would just take it and keep his mouth shut so that it just ended. Later, we would apologise of course. But for us, the key was to get through the tough times like middle of the night diaper blow outs with minimal chaos and fighting. And that meant biting our tongues a lot and just forgiving one another for behaving badly. We knew that it was the stress of the situation. And we knew it would get better with time. And we knew that we generally are nice to each other. So we were able to do it. Anyways, that is I think the key to getting through it: You need to be a good friend, and a forgiving friend, with your spouse. You have to try to me nice, and if you are not nice, they have to try and overlook it and move on. And then you need to say sorry. And them too when its the reverse. Repeat ad nauseum for about 12-18 months and VOILA you are home free

But it gets better. It really really does! Each month is better and better, and now that our youngest is 18 months old, we are back in a good routine again.

This too shall pass. My mantra.

 

[Puppmom]

Thanks, Ladies! Your posts made me tear up but in a good way.

Rosebloom, I'll definitely do some research on that book. I'm normally a pretty logical person so feeling overwhelmed is sort of new to me. In the past actually, feeling overwhelmed was motivating not paralyzing...if that makes any sense. I just wish DH had kept his yap shut too.

DD, I'm usually a tough cookie but I just cried when he said that. At first, I felt bad because he's right. I can be a nasty B these days. I know it and I don't like it either. I want to be a cheery, glowing pregnant woman. I am not. I am fat and grumpy and have a short fuse. But then, it turned to totally pissed. I'm having a hard time saying ANYTHING to him at the moment. Distraction has worked well for me some days...holiday shopping, helping DD with her college apps and spending time with girlfriends but gosh, when DH is sleeping comfortably next to me and I can't sleep, my thoughts just get the best of me.

Kunzite, I had the same exact feeling when gals on the newborn thread would complain about their DHs. DH is (and has been since the beginning) the most AMAZING dad but he's being a crappy husband right now...in my humble opinion. This whole martyr thing isn't very attractive! I think the one thing that's bothered me this pregnancy is that he hasn't really done things for me. He cared for DS almost exclusively in the beginning because I was sick and I did appreciate that but when I couldn't keep up with laundry, he would do his only. When I didn't feel up to making dinner, he would make himself something to eat but nothing for me. If I didn't feel up to doing the dishes, they usually just sat until I did. Oh, and if DH needed a bowl for his cereal, he would rather dig up some old plastic storage tub than wash a bowl! Those are little things but I really felt bothered by it. I had a near nervous breakdown when I washed every towel in the house because it had been WEEKS since they were cleaned (yuck!). The next morning, DH went into the basement to get a towel for his shower and left the rest in the basement. Yes, he brought up a SINGLE towel and left the rest in the dryer. When I said something to him about it, he did not understand why that would bother me. Don't get me wrong, he does do a lot around the house but sticks to *his* chores for the most part.

You guys have made me feel so much better...seriously. I'm going to try not to sweat all of the things that we're not getting done at the moment and just try to enjoy the holidays etc. The new baby does have a place to sleep and I'm sure MIL has a stash of cute little clothes for him and diapers are on standby as are the boobs. DS is so excited about Santa and loves all of the lights and the excitement surrounding the holidays. He is one of the few things I'm enjoying at the moment. I put him to bed at night and he tells me stories about his day and I just stare at him while he sleeps. He's just the most precious boy.

Now, for that darn husband...he's a scrawny little thing and I'm pretty sure I have about 30 lbs on him at the moment. Maybe I'll take my chances and give his arm a good twisting or give him a swift kick in the pants.

...it felt good to get that all off my chest so thank you again.

ETA - Dreamer, thanks for your last post. It's good to know that this is a normal (although not entirely pleasant) phase. I understand we'll have to work to get through it but I'm willing to do that and think he will be too.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Pupp, big hugs. I am not in the same position only having one little guy, but the first few weeks of my son's life were some of the darkest days I have ever had. Everything was just so overwhelming for me that I froze up and could barely function. The thought of doing pretty much anything was daunting,. I was so dissappointed in myself and felt horribly guilty that my mom, sister and DH had to pick up the slack and pretty much do everything but nurse the baby. Looking back, I think I might have been a bit depressed at the end of my pregnancy, and I wish I had recognized it and talked to my doctor about it before the baby was born.Just something to keep in mind. Through that experience, I learned that big life changes are really hard on me, and I won't be so hard on myself if we are blessed with more babies in the future. I am happy to report that about 4 weeks after my son was born, I started to feel like myself again and life no longer seemed so overwhelming. But I feel for you because it is scary going through it and not being able to snap out of it.

 

[Rosebloom]

Thanks, Ladies! Your posts made me tear up but in a good way.

Rosebloom, I'll definitely do some research on that book. I'm normally a pretty logical person so feeling overwhelmed is sort of new to me. In the past actually, feeling overwhelmed was motivating not paralyzing...if that makes any sense. I just wish DH had kept his yap shut too.

DD, I'm usually a tough cookie but I just cried when he said that. At first, I felt bad because he's right. I can be a nasty B these days. I know it and I don't like it either. I want to be a cheery, glowing pregnant woman. I am not. I am fat and grumpy and have a short fuse. But then, it turned to totally pissed. I'm having a hard time saying ANYTHING to him at the moment. Distraction has worked well for me some days...holiday shopping, helping DD with her college apps and spending time with girlfriends but gosh, when DH is sleeping comfortably next to me and I can't sleep, my thoughts just get the best of me.

Kunzite, I had the same exact feeling when gals on the newborn thread would complain about their DHs. DH is (and has been since the beginning) the most AMAZING dad but he's being a crappy husband right now...in my humble opinion. This whole martyr thing isn't very attractive! I think the one thing that's bothered me this pregnancy is that he hasn't really done things for me. He cared for DS almost exclusively in the beginning because I was sick and I did appreciate that but when I couldn't keep up with laundry, he would do his only. When I didn't feel up to making dinner, he would make himself something to eat but nothing for me. If I didn't feel up to doing the dishes, they usually just sat until I did. Oh, and if DH needed a bowl for his cereal, he would rather dig up some old plastic storage tub than wash a bowl! Those are little things but I really felt bothered by it. I had a near nervous breakdown when I washed every towel in the house because it had been WEEKS since they were cleaned (yuck!). The next morning, DH went into the basement to get a towel for his shower and left the rest in the basement. Yes, he brought up a SINGLE towel and left the rest in the dryer. When I said something to him about it, he did not understand why that would bother me. Don't get me wrong, he does do a lot around the house but sticks to *his* chores for the most part.

You guys have made me feel so much better...seriously. I'm going to try not to sweat all of the things that we're not getting done at the moment and just try to enjoy the holidays etc. The new baby does have a place to sleep and I'm sure MIL has a stash of cute little clothes for him and diapers are on standby as are the boobs. DS is so excited about Santa and loves all of the lights and the excitement surrounding the holidays. He is one of the few things I'm enjoying at the moment. I put him to bed at night and he tells me stories about his day and I just stare at him while he sleeps. He's just the most precious boy.

Now, for that darn husband...he's a scrawny little thing and I'm pretty sure I have about 30 lbs on him at the moment. Maybe I'll take my chances and give his arm a good twisting or give him a swift kick in the pants.

...it felt good to get that all off my chest so thank you again.

ETA - Dreamer, thanks for your last post. It's good to know that this is a normal (although not entirely pleasant) phase. I understand we'll have to work to get through it but I'm willing to do that and think he will be too.

Ok, your hubby is in the DOG HOUSE. Not acceptable behavior in my book! I'd be a "b" all the time too if that was going on!

Dreamer, I'm joining your posse and am ready to rumble!

He needs to wait on you hand and foot right now. You are going through one of the hardest things you will ever ask your body to do. If my DH did only his laundry or brought up only one towel I would be dumbfounded. Now I'm sure he's a great guy overall and sounds like he's a wonderful dad but I just wanted to share my reaction to help validate what you're feeling.