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Bridesmaid Vent (long)

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RoseAngel04

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 8, 2006
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865
{SIGH}

I have been having a MAJOR issue with getting one of my bridesmaids (I''ll call her BM J) to go get measured for her dress and make the downpayment. A little background. She was my middle school best friend. Our HS freshman year she moved to the outskirts, so we didn''t stay as close, but still kept contact. I will always consider her a close friend. Back in middle school she was the all American girl. Very innocent, dependable, polite etc. A "goody goody." Within the last year or so she changed, but we still remained friends. She was thrilled when I asked her to be a BM and has always been so sweet and offering help whenever I need it. About a month and a half ago I emailed all the BM''s about the dress and told them I needed them to go in by X date. Two weeks before X date I hadn''t heard that anyone went in, so I made an appointment for the deadline Saturday.

Rewind back to two weeks ago. I made a Saturday appointment where all 4 of my BM''s and I would go the the bridal store and have them see the dress, get measured, pay the downpayment, and sign the contract. ALL of my BM''s confirmed with me that they would make it. BM J calls me an hour or so before the appointment saying she had a flat tire, was getting it fixed and would be there as soon as she could. Meanwhile, I am with the other BM''s who came on time etc. We wait around a little, and around the time we are about to leave BM J calls, says her tire is fixed and she''s on her way. She apologizes and I explain to her that as longs as she takes care of in today (Sat.) or Sunday it''s OK. She reassures me that she will take care of if today (Sat.) and doesn''t want to be the "problem BM." I had other appointments that day and told her to come on, but that the rest of us had to go. She said OK, and completely understood and didn''t expect me to stay and wait on her. So I assumed that she was taking care of it that day. So I call her that night to see how it went....no answer, left a vm. I call the dress shop Monday morning and they confirm that she still hasn''t come in.

For the next week I call, and call, and call her and cannot get her to talk to me. I leave many messages and send several emails telling her how important it is that she take care of it, because the dress store will not order any of the BM''s dresses until each BM has been measured, paid the downpayment, and signed the contract. Through my messages I give her the deadline of the following Saturday to get it taken care of, if not than I would have the store process the order without her. One day she finally answers her cell when I call her from work, but she quickly gets off the phone before I can talk, saying she''ll call back. Never did. So Saturday comes and goes, I call the dress store and she still hasn''t come in. I email her telling her I processed the order without her and that I was very surprised and disappointed at how she handled the situation. Within and hour she responds saying how crazy her life has been with school and work, that he bf and her broke up and got back together, and her grandma died. She also said that she is taking it that I no longer want her in the wedding party. I respond telling her how sorry I am about everything that has been going on in her life and that I felt like she was avoiding me/the situation and wanted out but didn''t want to hurt my feelings. I also explain to her how I love her and how important she has been to me and that I WANT her to still be a part of the wedding, but she has to hold up her end of the deal. She responded saying how sorry she was for being a bad friend/BM, how she didn''t stop to look at how I was reading the situation and that she still wants to be a BM. She goes on to tell me she can''t go in the get measured but can email them her measurements/payment. I arrange for the dress shop to fax me her contract so I can email to her (she doesn''t have access to a fax machine) but they need her measurements/payment first. She tells me she will email them that night (this past Sunday). So Monday I call her, no answer and it becomes the same exact situation as the week before. I leave messages/email...nothing. Wednesday she did email and say she''s real busy with work and will email asap, and I haven''t heard from her since. I called/emailed yesterday and left messages telling her that today was the deadline if she didn''t handle her end that I was processing the order and we''d have to figure something else for her. Looks like I''ll be calling them in a hour to process the order without her, I can''t and won''t subject my other girls dresses coming in late.

{SIGH} I have gotten so tired of calling and calling and calling her. I feel like I''ve had to babysit her! How hard is it to call someone and say, hey I can''t do it today, or I can''t do it AT ALL. I am very very understanding that she''s going through a hard time right now, and I want to be here for her, but she won''t take my calls and I still have to make sure everything with the wedding goes smoothly. Thanks for letting me vent.
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
if i were you, i''d get a new bm if possible. seems like she''s got a lot of stuff going on and is one of those people who goes into hiding instead of being upfront, which is not what you want during a wedding when you need to be able to depend on bm''s to at least be accessible.
not sure if you can find someone else, or if it''s too late, but i''d opt to find a back up option. what if her bf breaks up w/her again, will she go MIA? it''s too unstable..
 

ammayernyc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 23, 2004
Messages
1,268
It sounds like she wants to be your BM... but not really. Very passive aggressive.
 

RoseAngel04

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 8, 2006
Messages
865
Ya, I''ve basically come to terms that she won''t be part of the wedding. I had serious doubts the first time she didn''t take/respond to my calls. It''s too late in the process for me to ask someone else. My little sister is a Jr. BM so she''ll just be the "fourth."
 

Mrs.soontobealfonzo

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 9, 2006
Messages
89
Honesty, You want real friends to be in your wedding, and if she doesnt respect the role as an BM it should be taken away. Everyone has problem, and if she is your friend you should be the first one she calls to tell. I have a friend that I''ve known for 8 years and we were really close. She now has a boyfriend, and i never see her or speak to her. She is aware that she is coming out in my wedding, but if she doesnt get her act together and doesnt make an effort to keep in contact with me. then I dont want her to come out in the wedding. I hurts because I always invisioned her being in it, but if she is picking a guy over her friends she is a loser.
 

So_happy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
1,084
Roseangel~ I am going thru a very similar situation this VERY minute with my best friend of 10 years. She also will not return any of my dozens of calls. She doesn''t have internet so I can''t email her. And, unfortunately, she lives out of state so I can''t go visit her home. I resorted to text messaging a week ago (dress ordering deadline) to see if that''d work and she actually responded (I hadn''t heard from her for 3 weeks at this point)! She texted her measurements and said for me to go ahead with ordering her dress etc. I call her immediately when she responds via text because I figure she''s there....but nothing. It''s now been another long week of nothing from her
All in all.......I have not heard that woman''s voice for a full 35 days!!! I''m very hurt and very confused as to what the heck she wants. It sucks very badly.

The only thing that makes my situation different, is that (I can only assume) she was angry with me a month ago when I changed my mind on BM dresses so these 35 days of near silence (again, I can only assume) are an expression of that anger.

Anyway, this isn''t about me....but I did want to let you know that I am very empathetic to your situation and I hope as time goes on you can make peace with her not being in your wedding simply because......we can''t work with silence!!!!
We can''t talk the problem out without them. To be blunt, we don''t need this crap. One day if she decides to call me, I really want to tell her how much this has hurt me and, frankly, how I feel my trust for her has been drastically damaged.

I feel for you and I''m so sorry you are going through this, OP!!
I send my hugs and my hope that this too shall pass.
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 2, 2006
Messages
10,225
Is it possible that what looks like irresponsible or passive-agressive behavior is actually your BM dealing with depression? If so you might want to give her one more chance, and take a more active role in getting her to the bridal shop.

Emphasis on "might". Depression is what occurred to me when I read your account, but even if that''s going on, it doesn''t imply that there is a right or wrong way for you to deal with the situation.
 

RoseAngel04

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 8, 2006
Messages
865
Date: 3/9/2007 11:53:34 AM
Author: MINIMS
Is it possible that what looks like irresponsible or passive-agressive behavior is actually your BM dealing with depression? If so you might want to give her one more chance, and take a more active role in getting her to the bridal shop.

Emphasis on 'might'. Depression is what occurred to me when I read your account, but even if that's going on, it doesn't imply that there is a right or wrong way for you to deal with the situation.
Yes minims she is, and she has even admitted this to me. I'm very very understanding to her and her situation, and even though it was frusterating not hearing from her, I still wasn't furious with her.

UPDATE:

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just checked my email and had a message from BM J telling me that she just sent in her measurements and payment! I called the dress shop to confirm and SHE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm very very pleasantly surprised! It's weird though, bc I called earlier to have them process the order without her, and they had to leave a message to call me back (which has never happened before). So yay, I'm glad she finally came through. I know it doesn't erase the last two weeks of phone issues, but I really think she's having a hard time in her life right now.
 

RoseAngel04

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 8, 2006
Messages
865
Date: 3/9/2007 2:15:07 PM
Author: janinegirly
well that was a short lived crisis!
hehe...

I''ve actually been wanting to post about this problem for the past week, but have been busy busy. And when I did have the time I thought that the problem would clear up...Oh well, I''m just happy it seems to be working out.
 

FireGoddess

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 25, 2005
Messages
12,145
Well, if she hadn''t sent in the measurements and paid just now, I would have told you to just fire her. It''s not worth the trouble. If stuff is going on and she can''t handle the commitment, she could just back out. I hope this is the last of the problems with her....but I don''t count on it.
 

akw94

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2006
Messages
1,937
RoseAngel, I''m glad she came through! I also can relate to the difficult experience of bm''s and their dresses. Not that much fun!
 
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