Bridesmaid skipping rehearsal?

[readytobuy]

I am very happy to be in my friend''s wedding party as a bridesmaid. The wedding is about 3 hrs from my home and is being held on a Friday (so I will be taking off work that day as well as booking a hotel for that night). Would it be completely out of line for me to ask the bride if I can skip the rehearsal on Thursday night? If I attended the rehearsal, I would need to take another day off of work and book a hotel room for two nights instead of one....

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

This probably isn''t what you want to hear, but unless you have some constraint like you can''t get a flight in time or something, I really think you need to be at your friend''s rehearsal. I look at being a BM as a commitment I''ve made. There''s no such thing as a part-time BM. The rehearsal/rehearsal dinner is an important part of the event, it offers a chance for the BM and GM to meet and get to know each other. It''s also just fun.

How do you think your friend would feel/react if you didn''t go??

 

[neatfreak]

If the wedding was always on a Friday night and financial circumstances haven''t changed greatly since you agreed to be a BM (i.e., you didn''t lose your job), then yes, you need to be there IMO.

If she changed things mid-game or if you are in a dire financial circumstance, then you should talk to her and be open and honest about it. But otherwise you''re stuck.

 

[cara]

Hmm... I kind of feel that you signed up for taking two days off work when you agreed to be a bridesmaid in a Friday wedding.

That said, many of the groomsmen were missing at my rehearsal (Fri. morning for a Sat. wedding) because they were still traveling and it worked out fine. My husband didn''t want to make them take off more work and since they were boys, they all went to the wedding venue early on Sat for another run through while us girls were getting beautified. But I asked the BMs to come to the rehearsal, and they all had to travel on Thursday...

You could gently ask the bride if she has plans for Thursday (rehearsal and dinner) but I would go at it with the expectation that you will be wanted.

 

[Winks_Elf]

You kinda need to be there. Besides, what if something happens on Friday and you get caught in traffic, etc.? Better to be there two nights instead of one.

 

[readytobuy]

You''re all right -- I guess I was just being lazy and hoping to hear something different. Glad to hear the truth from this board rather than ask my friend and possibly offend her.

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/13/2009 12:40:09 PM
Author:readytobuy
I am very happy to be in my friend''s wedding party as a bridesmaid. The wedding is about 3 hrs from my home and is being held on a Friday (so I will be taking off work that day as well as booking a hotel for that night). Would it be completely out of line for me to ask the bride if I can skip the rehearsal on Thursday night? If I attended the rehearsal, I would need to take another day off of work and book a hotel room for two nights instead of one....

I know you''ve already responded, and I''m glad you are going to go. I wouldn''t have suggested asking her.

The only thing I see as really being a true issue is having to take an extra day off work, but you agreed to that when you agreed to be in the wedding. What if you just took a half day? As for being worried about the two night of hotels, just remember, even if the wedding was on a Saturday, you would have had to get a hotel for Friday and Saturday night. You might actually be saving money by only needing it for one weekend night rate.

 

[NovemberBride]

I am going to disagree and say I don''t think it''s a big deal if you miss the rehearsal. I personally think it is a lot to ask someone to take off even one day of work to be in a wedding, considering most people have very limited vacation time, and OP is already taking off one day for this wedding. Having been married myself as well as a bridesmaid in several weddings, I can safely say that it''s not like you aren''t going to know what to do if you miss the rehearsal. We all know how to walk down the aisle. There have defiintiely been BM and GM missing for lots of the reheasrals I''ve been to and there have been no problems. That said, I think the rehearsal is a nice way to meet the other BM and GM and usually the dinner is a lot of fun so I''d try to go if you can. But, if it''s a financial hardship or causes issues at work, I wouldn''t feel bad about missing it at all.

 

[honey22]

I am glad you are going. As a bridesmaid, you just have to do these kind of things, and I am sure you would have regretted it if you didn''t go.

 

[musey]

I''m actually surprised that people have uniformly said that you must be there...

When we told our party when the rehearsal would be (Friday mid-day for a Saturday evening wedding), we told them they didn''t have to go if it was inconvenient. A wedding is a wedding is a wedding, and the officiant was pretty much cueing everything (for readings/etc.) - all they needed to know was where to stand in line for the procession.

But I guess we may have been a little more laid-back about how polished our ceremony was. We (and all the wedding party, for that matter) are/have been performers, so we didn''t feel a need to have things be perfect perfect. Maybe that''s why?

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 2/13/2009 2:14:09 PM
Author: NovemberBride
I am going to disagree and say I don''t think it''s a big deal if you miss the rehearsal. I personally think it is a lot to ask someone to take off even one day of work to be in a wedding, considering most people have very limited vacation time, and OP is already taking off one day for this wedding. Having been married myself as well as a bridesmaid in several weddings, I can safely say that it''s not like you aren''t going to know what to do if you miss the rehearsal. We all know how to walk down the aisle. There have defiintiely been BM and GM missing for lots of the reheasrals I''ve been to and there have been no problems. That said, I think the rehearsal is a nice way to meet the other BM and GM and usually the dinner is a lot of fun so I''d try to go if you can. But, if it''s a financial hardship or causes issues at work, I wouldn''t feel bad about missing it at all.

Ditto this-I don''t see why you would need to be there. I haven''t had my wedding yet but I wouldn''t really care if one of my bridesmaids needed to miss the rehearsal-you''re just walking down the aisle holding flowers! Expecting you to take off 2 days of work seems kind of ridiculous!

BUT judging from everyone else''s reactions it sounds like maybe your bride might care? I would just ask her and gauge her reaction.

 

[Amandine]

One of my BMs wasn''t able to be there for the rehearsal, due to when she and her family had flights. It didn''t really bother me, only that I missed being able to spend time with her! I only had her and another attendent, so what we were doing was not overly complicated. I wasn''t worried at all about mistakes.

 

[choro72]

I''m so glad I''m not the only one that thinks it''s not a big deal to miss a rehearsal. I''ve been in a wedding that had a rehearsal and another one that didn''t even have a rehearsal. No difference. Someone was there to say "you, line up here" and that was it.

 

[Haven]

I don''t think it''s a big deal if you miss the rehearsal, either. It''s not exactly rocket science, following someone down an aisle, and then back up.

 

[Elmorton]

I think this depends on the bride... I''d never been in a bridal party before my own wedding, so I think I probably would have had a mini-freak out if one of my gals couldn''t make it - but now that I''ve been through the whole thing, I''d say it''s no biggie if one or two people aren''t there. As long as half of the crowd knows what they''re doing, the ceremony will be fine.

So - you know your friend. If she''s pretty lax about the whole BP thing, I''d bring it up and ask if it''s cool. If she''s a more detail-oriented bride or seems stressed about planning, I''d skip asking and just plan to take vacay on Thursday, too.

 

[cara]

Its not that it would be the hugest deal to be missing a person from the rehearsal, but that going to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner are part of being in the bridal party. If the OP didn''t want to make those events she should have declined the standing-up request. If there were a push-comes-to-shove conflict like, ''I''m gonna get fired if I miss another day of work'' or ''I am so-so-so broke I can''t pay for another night of hotel and I am so sorry I didn''t plan better'' I would be more sympathetic. But woln''t most of the bridal party will have to make those sacrifices - extra hotel night and time off work? What if they all couldn''t be bothered? Should there be no rehearsal? Frankly, as bride I would be more annoyed/sad if a friend missed the dinner and hanging-out time than the rehearsal itself, though the rehearsal does have a point. I have seen things go wrong in weddings because people didn''t know what was going on, depending on the venue and ceremony, its not always as simple as walk down that aisle...
Anyway, my two cents. Of course the bride and wedding itself matter... some brides could care less, some wedding are very straightforward and low-hassle, and some are *not*. The OP would be in the best position to assess those things.

 

[musey]

I think that these days, people are not necessarily well versed in the ways of the bridesmaid. I know I had no idea what the norm was until I started planning my own wedding. If I''d been asked to be a bridesmaid three years ago, I would have assumed the following things:

1) I''d have to wear the dress that they bought me (didn''t know the BM usually pays)
2) I''d have to carry a bouquet and walk up, stand, then walk down the aisle
3) I''d maybe have to make a toast or something at the reception

Such was my understanding of bridesmaidly duties. I didn''t know that rehearsals were normal for all weddings (I knew they existed, but figured they only occurred for very elaborate ceremonies and/or the people who would be "performing"), didn''t know that bridesmaids pay for EVERYTHING on their own, etc. etc.

I don''t think it''s necessarily fair to expect people to just know all the different things that come along with bridesmaid-ing. It''s not necessarily common knowledge for everyone

 

[elrohwen]

I think the majority of brides would be a little upset if you weren't there unless there was a really good reason (financial constraints, plane schedules, etc). There are certainly some laid-back brides who don't really care, but unless she's told you she doesn't mind, I would assume that she expects you to be there. Like some of the other posters said, you're probably in the best position to judge what type of wedding it is and what type of bride she is and whether or not it would be a problem.