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Bridesmaid needs time to lose weight...

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So_happy

Brilliant_Rock
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My bridesmaid "L" emailed me tonight and has very sweetly asked if she could wait a couple months on ordering her BM dress (the deadline is Feb 26 to order them but I need to know which styles they choose by Feb 15 in case I have have a few days to think and coordinate sashes, bows, piping etc that Alfred Angelo puts on some of his styles) so that she could order a lower size once she''s lost the weight. The thing is, I told all of my 5 BMs on November 26th which dresses I wanted them to pick from and when I''d like them all to be ordered by. I mentioned in that email that I gave a lot of notice because I wanted them to have all the time they need to find which of the styles looks best on them.

I know that it''s natural to leave this kind of thing until last minute but I feel like they had 3 months to worry about things like that (i.e. weight loss if needed etc...) so now, the other four are ready to pick thier styles and she wants a 2 month extension....I feel in a bind. I''m having them order thier dresses as suggested by The Knot...6 months before...is this too long? Do I in fact have wiggle room? If I do, I will give all of them this extra time as I''m sure that at least 2 others could use the extra time for financial reasons. I''m not sure if BM dresses take as long to come in as wedding gowns take but I wanted to be safe.

I feel for L and I want her to look as fantastic as she wants to. I understand why she is asking. But I feel like she should have been on the weight loss path for the past 3 months if that''s what she had wanted.....not so close to the deadline. So, first please let me know if I will be fine if we order by, say.......April 15th.....that''s 6 wks later and puts me at 4.5 months out and then maybe I can not only give L the time she needs, but the others as well (they have not asked for this extra time).

See, she had her FIRST appointment for trying on dresses YESTERDAY so now she wants to do this extension thing.....and THIS is why I kept emailing them asking them about dress progress etc. Guess that didn''t help. To be honest, I gave them so much time because I feel bad that I can''t pay for thier dresses myself, so I wanted them to go try on dresses right away in December so they''d have an idea how much they''d cost and could then prepare for it. I figure time is the one thing I could give them so I scrambled to decide on color and styles very quickly. They are alfred angleo gowns and I have found 20 dresses they can choose from that can be ordered at Houseofbrides.com for $100-$130.

Any advice? Or answers to my questions? Thank you!!!!
 

julie_b

Rough_Rock
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My bridesmaids dresses are Alfred Angelo too, and I went in Monday to make a slight change. Everyone has been measured, luckily 1 still hasn''t put the deposit down yet, so I asked when she needed to have the deposit in. I was told that they are running about 3 months right now, so we want to get the order in really soon (next week or so) so they come in with enough time for alterations to be done (my wedding is at the end of August). Also, one of my bridesmaids is pregnant, with twins, and is not due until April! Talk about sweating it! She had talked about wanting to lose weight to begin with for the wedding, but now she will have the baby weight too. So this will give her about a month to lose weight before we need to do alterations. We talked with the people at the store about this, and we''re going to work with it the best we can. They had her order up 2 sizes, on the off chance that the weight doesn''t come off like she hopes. Thankfully, I''ve been told that the dress I chose is easy to alter, and that it was better to get it too big than too small (obviously). Not sure if this is any help, as the situation is a little different. The bridal shop should be able to tell you about when you need to have your orders in so everything is in and done on time, not sure about the website though (I''m sure you could email them about it or they should have it posted somewhere on their page). Ordering 4.5 months before the wedding though would make me nervous, especially since it''s getting into their "busy season" and doesn''t leave much time if a problem were to come up.
 

Mara

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why don''t you ask the vendor you plan to buy the dresses from what is the final deadline for her to order? then add a week or two to pad it. my BM dresses were ordered from a local shop, not a typical designer that lots of stores carry, but they were ready i think in 2-3 months. and then they need time for alterations and all that but if she is willing to make the appt right away to get the alterations done and all that....then i would try to give her more time. though on the flip side, why doesn''t she just order a dress in a smaller size if she is sure she will get to that size? otherwise, order a dress in the size she is now then just have it altered...depending on the type of dress sometimes they can take a whole side apart and redo it to fit better. just thinking out loud.
 

So_happy

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Hi Julie~ My wedding is August 26th. I forgot...we are almost date twins :) The website says 12-16 wks is when one should order BM dresses. So, that''s four months at the high end and you''re right, only an extra two weeks to get things fitted if they should actually take that long would be very bad. Plus, if anything were to go wrong with the order, ordering them as planned gives some time to mediate some of that. I think.

Okay, so I''m starting to see what my own answer is now
But I feel badly saying no to her I guess. She fluctuates with weight all the time and has been a size 18 and a size 8 at least 3 times each in my lifetime knowing her. When she gets on the loss path, though, she is a motivated and diligent woman, let me tell you! I''m so proud of her that she can do this. And she looks SO fabulous too because she works out all the time and gets these beautiful toned arms and even a hint of a 2-pack!!! She''s to be envied for sure :)

Since her normal weight loss regime is always this extreme (from a 18 to an 8) this makes it very hard for me. If she orders the dress Feb 26 (3 wks from now) she will for sure have made a little progress but not near as close to the 8 she may be by August. So what should I suggest to her? Order a 10 because the dress can be taken down 2 sizes without worry? I don''t even KNOW her true size right now so I fear the suggestion will be insulting!!! aarrgghhh.

Any ideas how I could phrase this to her? (sorry I''m such a whiner right now....I hate these kinds of "talks" with friends)
 

jamiesorr

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I was a bridesmaid in a wedding last year and the bride picked out the dresses then ended up ordering the 4 dresses the whole company had left because they were discontinuing them. I am a size 0 and the smallest dress left was a 6. We had it altered and it looked great. I would suggest that you keep your deadline and have her order a dress that fits now in case she doesn''t lose the weight and just have it altered if she does lose it.

If you do want to wait I would first make sure that they will still be making your dress in 6 weeks. Then I would make it very clear that this will be the absolute last day you can order the dress and encourage them to order it asap.
 

So_happy

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Date: 2/7/2007 1:32:50 AM
Author: Mara
why don''t you ask the vendor you plan to buy the dresses from what is the final deadline for her to order? then add a week or two to pad it. my BM dresses were ordered from a local shop, not a typical designer that lots of stores carry, but they were ready i think in 2-3 months. and then they need time for alterations and all that but if she is willing to make the appt right away to get the alterations done and all that....then i would try to give her more time. though on the flip side, why doesn''t she just order a dress in a smaller size if she is sure she will get to that size? otherwise, order a dress in the size she is now then just have it altered...depending on the type of dress sometimes they can take a whole side apart and redo it to fit better. just thinking out loud.
Mara~ I suppose I could do that...give her until the end of March to order. Counting from today that gives her about 8 weeks to continue her work. She could very well be at a size that is low enough to safely have her order her goal size + 2 sizes at that time as a buffer. That gives the dresses the full possible 4 months to come in (yikes!) and 1 month after that for alterations. She would have to really get on those alteration appointments! I very worried that as the summer approaches, dress delievery dates will get pushed back and that teeny month will get squished. And if there are any problems with any of the dresses (like, they need to be exchanged or something, that would be very nerve wrecking).

I think an email explaining just what I typed to you, Mara, might put things in a different light to her, no? I have this feeling she has no idea (and why would she, really?) what things are like on my end. She probably thinks me having dresses ordered 6 months before my wedding is crazy.

I''d hate to ask her to order a smaller size now in the hopes she''ll fit in it. That would surely cause lots o stress! But that seems to be the best of both worlds. It''s better than requesting she stay a size 20 and risk her health just so she fits in her BM dress on August 26th!!!!
 

jamiesorr

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I would say that you heard it is best to order the biggest size she think she will be. Bridesmaid dresses usually have simple lines and can be completely taken apart and remade if necessary. Tell her you would rather have too much fabric than to little.
 

julie_b

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I''d talk to the people at the bridal shop about it (well, if you think you can trust them...I went into a national chain store and asked about the pregnant bridesmaid problem and they looked at me like I had 3 heads). A lot of these people know what they are doing and have more than likely dealt with a situation similar to your''s. I would also make sure to ask how easily the dress she picks out can be altered.
 

So_happy

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Date: 2/7/2007 1:42:16 AM
Author: jamiesorr
I was a bridesmaid in a wedding last year and the bride picked out the dresses then ended up ordering the 4 dresses the whole company had left because they were discontinuing them. I am a size 0 and the smallest dress left was a 6. We had it altered and it looked great. I would suggest that you keep your deadline and have her order a dress that fits now in case she doesn''t lose the weight and just have it altered if she does lose it.

If you do want to wait I would first make sure that they will still be making your dress in 6 weeks. Then I would make it very clear that this will be the absolute last day you can order the dress and encourage them to order it asap.
Hi Jamie~ Are you serious? You were able to alter a gown down that much? Wow! I''d have to really check on that. Did that cost alot? I would imagine the entire dress would need to be reshaped and that can''t cost the same as a hem and an inch of the bustline? lol
 

jamiesorr

Shiny_Rock
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Well we had then altered by a lady who usually makes dresses for pageants, proms, brides, etc. I think it was like $30. She works out of her house. I bet you would pay quite a bit more if you did it at a bridal shop. But yes, she took it up a lot and it looked exactly like the others.
 

So_happy

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Date: 2/7/2007 2:11:47 AM
Author: jamiesorr
Well we had then altered by a lady who usually makes dresses for pageants, proms, brides, etc. I think it was like $30. She works out of her house. I bet you would pay quite a bit more if you did it at a bridal shop. But yes, she took it up a lot and it looked exactly like the others.
Jamie, that''s wonderful hope! I will tell L that this is possible and that if she calls around (she OOT) her area, maybe she can locate a seamstress now who can do that if she needs it :) Thanx for the idea.
 

kcoursolle

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I would say something like this:

"Unfortunately, it takes a very long time to order the gown and rush orders are very expensive. I really wish I could wait longer, but I''m afraid I cannot. How about if you order the gown in your current size and have it taken in if you loose a substantial amount of weight?"
 

So_happy

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Date: 2/7/2007 3:35:05 AM
Author: kcoursolle
I would say something like this:

''Unfortunately, it takes a very long time to order the gown and rush orders are very expensive. I really wish I could wait longer, but I''m afraid I cannot. How about if you order the gown in your current size and have it taken in if you loose a substantial amount of weight?''
Kcoursolle~ You''re so succint! I love it
Instead, I composed a detailed email with lots of details about the ordering of wedding-related anything lol. Your statement pretty much paraphrases my 3 paragraphs into one sentence lol. Thank you. If she doesn''t respond well, I will use your suggestion. Shall I cite you?


I think she''ll understand. I truly believe she simply thinks I''ve gone and picked an arbitrary ordering deadline and hoped to squish it down a couple months. Funny thing is she''s 39 and has been married twice. Both her weddings were super small (a dozen or so people tops) w/ no BMs etc so altho I want to say "I can''t believe you don''t KNOW about any of this!!" I think she just didn''t go the big wedding route.
 

sumbride

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My girls are saying the same thing, and we''re also doing AA dresses. I talked to the shop we''re ordering from and they told me what the turn-around times were for them, and I added a month for shipping and alterations since my BMs are all over the country. I gave them a deadline of 5/1 for my 10/6 wedding. Luckily they didn''t argue with me on that (yet) but two of them don''t even want to try on dresses until 4/28. They''ve already made the appointment. I hope they can decide immediately which dress they want! I asked them if they would try them on earlier and just wait to the last minute for measurements but was told "If I continue to lose 15 pounds a month, I could want a whole different style." I nodded, but having been in that situation myself I could only think "IF is a big IF and it''s best to have a dress that fits!" I don''t think they''ll order small, but we''ll see.

Also, AA dresses run small, so size means nothing... it''s all about measurements. Make sure she knows that and doesn''t think she can order an 8 because she''s been a street 8. It will be a 6! I''ll leave my thoughts about extreme yo-yo dieting and it''s impact on health for another thread.
 

cara

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Just order it in her current size and let her take it in with alterations if she loses weight. This is what I plan to do with my w-dress, the logic being its worth the alterations $$ if I manage to lose weight no question(!) and its not worth the stress of ordering it too small and being screwed if I''m a little short of goal. The alterations on a bridesmaid dress shouldn''t be too bad provided that the side seam is relatively unadorned - they''ll just split it open and resew. If she loses inches they might have to do both sides to make it even.

Its also not worth the stress of putting all your other girls on a rush alterations time schedule or worrying about them coming in late. Though you could probably push it back a month and still leave yourself a good cushion... But frankly if she''s planning significant weight loss (not just 5 lbs or so) that''s not really enough time so you should just order it now.
 

dmamsquared

Shiny_Rock
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101
Here are some other reasons that could be used:
1) You negotiated a discounted price if the dresses are ordered en masse.
2) You want the dresses to be cut from the same dye lot. A separate order will not
ensure this.

Sounds picky, I know. But these shut me up tout suite!
 

NovemberBride

Brilliant_Rock
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962
I would not suggest letting your bridesmaid order a dress that does not fit her at the size she is now. I was in a wedding this past November where the MOH was convinced she would lose weight and ordered a dress a size smaller than she was at the time. She did not end up losing the weight, when she went to try on the dress two weeks before the wedding, it was so small it could not be zipped. She ended up having to rush order a larger size (paying for a whole new dress plus a rush fee and alterations = very expensive!) and having it altered the week of the wedding. It was very stressful for her (we did not even tell the bride about the situation because we did not want her to be stressed out too!). A good seamstress can take in a dress several sizes, but even the best seamstress can''t create extra fabric where there is none to make a too small dress fit.
 

Mara

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re: alterations, the shops typically have recommendations of people in your areas and you can line up appts a month or two or more in advance. so if you do give her til march then just tell her...okay i can wait but i need for you to schedule your appt way in advance so you know you have it...kinda thing. when she gets the dress, literally she can take it the next day if she has her appt setup. and yes the dress schedule might be pushed out a bit but i doubt they''d be THAT off with estimates on when they''d come in, add 2 weeks for padding and tell her to make her appt around then. ideally she''d only need 1-2 alterations appts and then she''s done. stuff CAN be done quickly if people just plan ahead for it.

anyway i tend to lean a bit on giving her a little extra time so you don''t look like a bridezilla but don''t totally stress out your timeline...you are correct in that she did have some time before this too. i would say ''i checked with the shop, and sinced bridesmaid dresses take 4/5/6 months to come in...we have about 3/4/5/6 (whatever) more weeks til the final deadline, so just be sure to get your order in by XYZ date and we should be okay. in the meantime, find a local alterations gal and get an appt set for around XYZ date which is when the dress will be in....so you are all set to go since your dress might come in a few weeks later than the other gals.''

that is what i would do....give a bit and push a bit too...hehee. but that''s just me!
 

FireGoddess

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Also don''t forget that BM dresses can run a size small....ie. you may wear an 8 in street clothes but more like a 10 in a BM dress...so she should err on the side of caution and get a dress that''s a little bigger than she thinks. You can take material in but you can''t create it from nowhere!!!!
 

MrzNeicia

Rough_Rock
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I am going through the same thiing with 2 of my BM''s.

One of them is my sister, in which I set a early deadline date of October 21st to order dresses for our 08-18-07 wedding and she did not come up with her money for the dress, not to mention that she still to this date has not paid for her dress yet. Even though the bridal shop told us that the dresses will take 4-5 months to come in and they came in late December ( 2 months).

The girls went for their first fitting last Sunday and for 3 of them, the dress fits fine and 1 which is MOH and best friend, want me to order her dress in 2 size smaller because she also said that she was on a diet and was trying to lose weight, never happened. Now her the dress is about 3 sizes too small and she still insist that she will lose some weight. Luckily the shop said that they could order her another dress in the size that she needs free of charge, if she comes back before March to order it, since they orinigally made a mistake on she dress order by ordering a size smaller than I told them to, because the size I ordered for her ( giving her the benefit of the doubt on losing weight), the dress doesn''t come in that size, so they took it upon theirselves to order a size down, which now makes the dress 3 sizes too small for her. My MOH still says that she will lose weight to get into the dress, but I want her to go back to the shop and take the free dress in the size that she is now and if she lose any weight, they could alter the dress to fit her.

So until we get her dress re-ordered and my sister''s dress ordered ( in which I set a final deadline for her of 02-17 or she''ll be out of the wedding) I''m stressing out.

But, on a good note I went to try on dresses yesterday and I picked a dress that I fell in love with, but I hate the fact that in bridal dresses you have to order a bigger size ( 10 ) making me feel huge........


So I feel your pain to the fullest, I hope it works out for you!
 

So_happy

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The way I constructed my timeline is: 16 wks once ordered to arrival (I''m sure they''ll come in in less time but I cannot mess with this upper bound suggestion as our wedding is during a high wedding season) + 6 weeks for alterations + 3 weeks as a buffer for errors not our fault (wrong or damaged order). This made ordering the dress exactly 6 months before my wedding make sense to me. Plus the Knot also recommends this sort of time frame.

I like Mara''s idea of calling ahead to make alteration appointmnents in general. Not just if I push my deadline back :)

The thing with me is even if I squished alterations into 3 weeks and removed my "buffer", is 6 weeks REALLY that much time to move from a 18 (I''m guessing here on her present size) to an 8 (I''m also guessing at where she might aim to end up....well, I''m using her past experience with weight loss...it''s usually very dramatic)????

I don''t want to turn my bridal world around for this but I also want my friend to feel comfortable, too. I admit I am a little frustrated that she didn''t start this 3 months ago, but I can empathize there too......sometimes the planets need to align just so in order for one to begin working out and losing weight. The compromise could be for her to have 3 more weeks (from my alteration timetable) and have her find a seamstress who will make the appointments now. Does that sound good to you guys?

I am not worried about the whole dye lot thing (now watch PSers tell me horror stories about dye lot issues lol) so I''ve always said they could order from anywhere that''s convienient as long as it was on the same day. However, houseofbrides.com has a better deal on shipping (or was it netbride.com?) if you order more than one at a time so they liked that idea. Thus it seems they may order together anyway. But it''s up to them.

Lastly, I also chose 20 styles that they can choose from so if one goes out of style, I don''t have to worry too much as they can pick a similar style and run with it. Plus, there are always those separates from AA too.
 

cara

Ideal_Rock
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I'll just reiterate that I don't think you should hold your other BM's hostage to this one by forcing them to get relatively quick alterations. What if they are really busy the few weeks before your wedding? It would be kind of rude to make them drop everything and get the dress altered given that you clearly were on a very ample timeline prior to someone's diet plan. Now, I think your timeline is a bit generous so you could safely push it back maybe a month, but that's not enough time to healthily drop from an 18 to an 8. That's absurd. If you aren't super concerned about dye lot then order the rest now, and tell your holdout that you'd really prefer she order now and pay for alterations later but youre willing to let her order separately on her own as late as X day. Then she's on her own for rush fees, rush alterations, etc. Taking a dress in isn't that big a deal, and if she wants to lose 50 lbs by your wedding, the money spent will be worth looking fabulous.
 

Fancy605

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Date: 2/7/2007 1:39:45 PM
Author: So_happ

The thing with me is even if I squished alterations into 3 weeks and removed my ''buffer'', is 6 weeks REALLY that much time to move from a 18 (I''m guessing here on her present size) to an 8 (I''m also guessing at where she might aim to end up....well, I''m using her past experience with weight loss...it''s usually very dramatic)????
They say if you are loosing weight healthily, you will loose 2 pounds/ week. Even if she was loosing 5 pounds/ week (which would be dramatic), 6 weeks is 30 pounds, which, while dramatic, does not take one down from an 18 to an 8. It can be done (I had a friend go from a 22 to a 6 over a longer time period), but I really don''t think that can be done healthily and in 6 weeks...

Plus like Jamie said, BM dresses are MADE for alterations. I once had to order an 8, and had it taken to a 2. It wasn''t cheap, but it turned out great. I think it actually fit WAY better than a store bought 2 would have fit because it was tailored to my figure.
 

cara

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5 lbs a week is absurd. A pound is 4500 Calories, so that means you need to average more than a 3000 Calorie deficit each day. Given that you average person is on roughly a 2000 Calorie per day diet, it means you need to up your expenditures to burn maybe 4500 Calories per day and restrict yourself to a 1200 Calorie diet. That''s a lot to maintain for the period of time required to go from 18 to 8 if you are say, also trying to hold down a job, not suffer nutritional problems or piss off people around you cause you are in a serious blood sugar low. Not saying it impossible, certainly its possible for a short period of time, but its not really a great plan so that you can order a smaller f$#@%^^ bridesmaid dress in 6 weeks to save on alterations.
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
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a lb is 3500 cals.

and yes 5 lbs a week is a lot!! depending on how much they have to lose though some people can start dropping quite fast aka 2 lbs a week depending. but they say 1lb a week is more realistic...and it is a long-term goal!
 

cara

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Opps, OK you only need a 2500 Calorie deficit per day for 5 lbs loss per week. Still thats something like 4000 Calorie expenditure with 1500 Calories of food EVERY DAY. Its possible but unpleasant.
 

So_happy

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Hey PSers :)

Thank you for your diet advice lol! I will leave that up to her, though. And she may go from a size 18 to 8 often in her lifetime, but she always does it the way it should be done with 6 days per week at the gym and a well balanced diet. Serioulsy, I wish you could see this woman when she''s at her goal weight and physique. You''d want her to TRAIN you at the gym if you saw her lol. Even after her two kids and her yo-yo weight history, her skin elasticity is just amazing lol .

So, it''s clear that she will not be anywhere near her goal weight in 6 weeks.......or even 12 for that matter. It will take AT LEAST the next 6 months for her to really get close. I was just seeing if you guys thought giving her a 3 wk extension (which is 6 wks from today more or less) would be a compromise for someone who sounds like she wanted many months. Because 6 wks does matter. It could possible mean 1 dress size. (I find that also depends on where one generally loses weight from first....I lose in the waist and stomach first so I go down a dress size if I lose 5 lbs pretty much because I gravitate towards fitted tops and a-line skirts). And if she gets to order a 16 or 14 instead of an 18, that''s less she''ll have to alter later I guess.

In a perfect world, she''d already be 3 months into her weight loss plan from the moment I asked her to be a bridesmaid (Nov 1) and she''d be well on her way down the dress size scale. But it goes to show you how helpful an early early dres-shopping can be with the ladies; it would''ve been a motivator to anyone on the brink of thinking about weight loss. One other bm of mine is a size 18 and she is perfectly fine with herself and after the dress-shopping early January, she has been ready to order her size and get on with it so it''s hard to tell.

Seriously though, I asked them all the first week in November and I never gave a single thought to thier weight as a condition of me asking so I couldn''t wish more right now that she hadn''t worried about it. The only thing I thought of when selecting those styles is thier chests to be honest!!!! 3 of the girls are quite well endowed so I wanted diff sytles avail to suit thier comfort levels lol!!!
 

Mara

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well i was working out consistently for like 2-3 months about 4-6x a week with no real scale changes, and it took that long for my body to convert a fair amount of fat to muscle and then start dropping FAT! and from there it was pretty fast. so within the space of like 1.5 months i actually dropped about 4 numerical sizes (from a 10 to a 6). then being a 6, i lost about 10+ more lbs and still stayed a 6! so it is possibly clothing size wise for it to drop quickly based on what she has been doing already or how her body is working....but not knowing that it's super hard to estimate. anyway i'd offer her the 3 weeks you feel comfortable with and then let her figure it out. and let her know that you asked around and found that some gals were able to modify a dress from an 8 to a 2 or whatever so that will hopefully make her feel better about alterations!
 

fatafelice

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I agree with whoever said that she should order a dress that would fit her body as it is now. You never know what is going to happen, and I cannot imagine the nightmare of having a dress that is too small.
 

aljdewey

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Date: 2/7/2007 11:22:55 AM
Author: NovemberBride

A good seamstress can take in a dress several sizes, but even the best seamstress can''t create extra fabric where there is none to make a too small dress fit.
AMEN, and what I was going to say, too. You can always cut a dress down, but if it''s too small, there''s NO fixing that.

Order it in today''s size, and it can be altered later if needed.
 
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