Bridal Shower Drama........

[luvinlife]

Hi Ladies,

I was wondering if I could solicit some advice from you. Originally, I did not want to have a bridal shower, truth of matter is, I still don’t to have one, but my fiancé does. Our moms and my bridesmaids have been working on finding a place to have the shower. One of my bridesmaids who has a great sense of style recommended a small bistro. My future mother in law insists that she want to have it at this AWFUL pizza/pasta restaurant (she even put a deposit on the place without clearing it with everyone!). My other bridesmaid who is basically a doormat, refuses to tell my future MIL that the place is a complete S*&^ hole in fear of hurting her feeling. My mother, who is very sweet, yet is like water (flows anywhere), refuses to speak up.

I know you are all asking yourselves, why don’t I say something……well, this shower is supposed to be a surprise for me and my bridesmaid who is appalled with the place told me (actually kinda forced it out of it her, but honestly had I seen that place the day of the shower, I would have been REALLY disappointed).
Any suggestions? Should I just tell them I want to be involved in the planning?
Thanks in advance........

LL

 

[havernell]

I wouldn''t explicitly get involved in the planning of the shower, as you have enough to worry about planning a wedding. You don''t need shower stress too (and frankly, it goes against bridal etiquette).

Can your mom and bridesmaids come up with another venue that they could sell to your FMIL as holding a special meaning to you? If they can say "Oh, this restaurant/park/whatever would be perfect because Luvinlife''s family has a lot of memories here" I think that could convince your FMIL to submit. I''m not saying it has to be true (the proposed venue could hold no meaning to you whatsoever) but it''s one way to politely overrule your FMIL''s choice by providing a concrete reason to have it somewhere else. Could they do that for the cute bistro your bridesmaid recommended- say it''s a favorite place your family always goes to celebrate birthdays or something like that?

If that doesn''t work, I would just let it be held at the Italian place. All the guests will know that YOU didn''t choose the location, so it won''t be a negative reflection on you. And really, just try to enjoy the people and the love around you. It honestly doesn''t matter that much what room it''s held in. Good luck!

 

[honey22]

Mention in passing to your MIL that you have heard of an outbreak of salmonella at that particular venue, and you have serious doubts about eating there!

 

[Haven]

Generally, I think it is in very poor taste to complain about a party that people are throwing for you so no, I would not say anything.

Your bridesmaid was wrong to put you in this position. If she is so appalled with the current plans, she should speak up.

Also, the mothers (or other family members) of the couple typically do not throw showers because it is akin to asking for gifts for your own children. I''m not sure if this is an option, but your bridesmaids could suggest that they throw the shower for you (and thus choose the place themselves) and if the moms really must plan a party, they could suggest a luncheon or some other event that does not revolve around "showering" the couple with gifts. I would be much more concerned with the fact that my mom (or the groom''s mom) was throwing my shower than anything else, to be honest.

 

[meresal]

Date: 3/24/2009 11:22:38 PM
Author: Haven
Generally, I think it is in very poor taste to complain about a party that people are throwing for you so no, I would not say anything.

Your bridesmaid was wrong to put you in this position. If she is so appalled with the current plans, she should speak up.

Also, the mothers (or other family members) of the couple typically do not throw showers because it is akin to asking for gifts for your own children. I'm not sure if this is an option, but your bridesmaids could suggest that they throw the shower for you (and thus choose the place themselves) and if the moms really must plan a party, they could suggest a luncheon or some other event that does not revolve around 'showering' the couple with gifts. I would be much more concerned with the fact that my mom (or the groom's mom) was throwing my shower than anything else, to be honest.

Honey22- *SNORT* Lol, salmonella

Just to start off, please don't take this the wrong way, I'm just giving my opinion:
I have to agree with Haven, about complaining about a shower that is essentially a gift from those that love you. Also, if you still don't really want one, then why does it matter where it is? They are just trying to do somehing nice for you.
For the record, my bridal shower is being thrown by my FMIL, FSIL (her daughter), and FI's Grandmother. If your FMIL is paying for the shower and hosting, then it is her decision where to have it. Personally, I think it is fine for your FMIL to throw a shower if they are not contributing to the wedding, but your mom really shouldn't be involved, or at least her name should not be on the invitation.

I don't think it's very nice to want to be involved now that you know it's somewhere you don't approve of. Also, they wanted to throw this for you and they wanted it to be a surprise... I actually think that your BM acted in very poor taste by going behind their backs and telling you. They tried to speak up and your FMIL put the deposit down anyway, that should have been the end of it.

You know your dynamic better than anyone here, so you know the best way to handle it, but I think telling your BM that it will all be fine and not to worry about it, would be the best option.

 

[ice-queen]

This is tough, Haven and Meresal are clearly right...but I am a total control freak and would want the location changed immediately

haha!

It's just complicated because your FMIL already made a deposit which she likely can't get back (which is why she shouldn't have done it without consulting the bridesmaids in the first place!). If she can get the deposit back or if the deposit was fairly small, I would have one of your ballsier bridesmaids just explain to her that "the Sh*#hole pizza place would be great for a shower, but I know that luvinlife isn't particularly fond of that restaurant and since we want her to be happy, maybe we could think of someplace else, like the cute bistro." Can one of the bridesmaids just email her??? It takes less guts to press "send" than to actually say something loud, plus if it is all written out, she can guarantee that she can fully get her point across in a nice, sweet, non-offensive way and that sounds appreciative...without being cut off.

 

[redfaerythinker]

Ditto Haven and Meresal. Be happy that they care enough to throw you a shower at all. Not all brides are as lucky.

 

[FrekeChild]

Ok, while I would be grateful for a bridal shower, I would rather not have one than have one at a restaurant I don''t like.

But food is one of the most important parts of my life. So it''s a different situation.

Honestly, I would ask my BMs to speak up to FMIL or stop telling me about it.

 

[girlie-girl]

I also wouldn''t try to get involved now. I''m of the opinion that the shower is a gift of sorts and as such, we shouldn''t complain about it. The BM who broke the surprise and told you should speak up on your behalf. If she''s unwilling to stand up for you and what she knows you''d like, she should have kept this information to herself so as to not put you in this position. If she''s unwilling, then I''d say just go where the FMIL has planned and make the best of it. It''s not where you are, but who you''re with afterall... right?

 

[NuggetBrain]

If your mom and the bridesmaids tried to speak up and FMIL did what she wanted anyways, I think you should probably just let it go. I''m willing to bet that even if they did manage to get you into that bistro, your FMIL would be miffed at losing out on the pizza place and might bring those bad vibes to the shower. I know a lot of people have more than one shower - why not have your BM who wants to do one at the bistro throw one there later on? Even make it more of a party than a shower (no gifts needed) or something?

 

[jstarfireb]

Ditto - I would see if the bridesmaid could speak up for you regarding the location...just like a "hey ladies, I know she really won''t like this place" discussion. She doesn''t have to give away the fact that she told you.

I feel for you because I was kind of in a similar situation myself. So...I''m a major control freak, and everyone around me knows it. I did not want to have a bridal shower under any circumstances, and I told my mom and MOH that in no uncertain terms. IMO (and this is only MY opinion; I don''t want to offend people who love bridal showers), they''re more trouble than they''re worth, and just a thinly veiled attempt at getting 2 gifts from the same people. In addition, I specifically asked them (if they decided to go against my wishes and throw me one anyway) not to make it a surprise, because I really hate surprises and think that going to great lengths to pull the wool over my eyes is just insulting to me. So what did they do? Not only threw a shower that was huge and ridiculous, with catered food, cupcakes, decorations in my wedding color all over the place, and like 50 people there, BUT they tried to hide it from me. I figured it out and had to play along and pretend I was happy the whole time. The whole thing was just awkward, and several days later, I got into a big argument with my mom about how she did this behind my back and has no respect for my wishes, etc.

So...the whole point of the story is this...yes, a shower is supposed to be a "nice" thing done for you as a gift, but that doesn''t mean your preferences should just be thrown out the window like mine were. I didn''t speak up much at the beginning but then ended up getting into a big fight with my mom later. So that''s why I think you should ask your bridesmaid to speak up...otherwise it may snowball out of control like mine did.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 3/24/2009 11:21:24 PM
Author: honey22
Mention in passing to your MIL that you have heard of an outbreak of salmonella at that particular venue, and you have serious doubts about eating there!

LOL this gets my vote!

 

[Bia]

Date: 3/24/2009 11:22:38 PM
Author: Haven
Generally, I think it is in very poor taste to complain about a party that people are throwing for you so no, I would not say anything.

Your bridesmaid was wrong to put you in this position. If she is so appalled with the current plans, she should speak up.

Also, the mothers (or other family members) of the couple typically do not throw showers because it is akin to asking for gifts for your own children. I''m not sure if this is an option, but your bridesmaids could suggest that they throw the shower for you (and thus choose the place themselves) and if the moms really must plan a party, they could suggest a luncheon or some other event that does not revolve around ''showering'' the couple with gifts. I would be much more concerned with the fact that my mom (or the groom''s mom) was throwing my shower than anything else, to be honest.

I think it''s the bridesmaids (all or one) job to speak up if she/they hate the place.

Also, because a lot of moms throw showers for their daughters (even if it is not traditionally ''the way''), your mom (being involved already) might want to chime in a bit as well...

 

[tlh]

I agree with Haven and Meresal you should not be involved at all. So whatever the party is like... just smile because it is thrown with love.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Blegh, deleted. But I do want to wish you the best of luck luvinlife!

Sorry for the predicament!

 

[KimberlyH]

I''d stay out of it. It''s unfortunate that no one feels comfortable speaking up to your mother-in-law, but that doesn''t mean it should be up to you to do so. I''d try to change my perspective from the restaurant stinks to I am so glad that so many people care enough that they want to do this for me (even if I don''t want it, because it will make my fiance happy).

 

[Mediterranean]

Oh, this is sort of horrible, but....

What if your bridesmaid who found the nice bistro tells everyone (except FMIL) that the plans have been changed, has everyone give her the money for the little bistro, goes through with all the plans for the little bistro, and springs it on your FMIL once everything is set? Your FI can pay his mom back, since he wanted the whole shower thing to begin with, and you look innocent.

How good are your two bridesmaids and your mom at faking like there''s been a huuuuuge misunderstanding?

It''s wrong, it''s terrible, it''s evil. But if FMIL won''t budge, maybe she could be exempted from paying? And paid back for her deposit at Yuckball Pizza?

I know. I''m awful. Don''t do ths. I''ll hit "submit" anyway, but I''m putting a disclaimer on this:



****FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY*****

Is that better? No. Don''t do that. It''s devious

Again, I''m kidding. Sorta. It''s the BWW version of rubber dog poo.....

 

[Mediterranean]

WAIT!!!

I have a BETTER IDEA!!!!


It's a SURPRISE, right? That you know NOTHING about, right?????


BE BUSY THAT DAY.



Then, secretly call Yuckball Pizza and ask them specifically what dates are NOT available.

Now, YOU be available only on the days that Yuckball is booked.

THEN, your mom and bridesmaid can say "Hey, Cute Bistro is available on the Bride's schedule!"

Same rule applies re: FI reimbursing his mom. The idea isn't to hurt people, just to get you out of Yuckball Pizza.


OMG, I'm punchy tonight, huh?

I swear I'm NOT a scumbag!



So, uh.....what do you like on your pizza?

 

[Deelight]

Date: 3/25/2009 12:16:32 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 3/24/2009 11:21:24 PM

Author: honey22

Mention in passing to your MIL that you have heard of an outbreak of salmonella at that particular venue, and you have serious doubts about eating there!

LOL this gets my vote!

- hahahaha honey


Med your a riot LMAO

 

[luvinlife]

Goodmorning Ladies,

Sorry it ''s taken me soooo long to reply since my initial posting. I''ve been working a ton (thank God). Nonetheless, thank you for all of your recommendations. I appreciate your concern for my feelings....I have pretty thick skin. While I probably should not have dragged the shower information from my bridesmaid, I did, and am glad I found out the details of the party. This bridesmaid in question, has not only stood up for having the shower at the nicer place, but is a bit stressed as she wants it to be the best wedding shower for possible for me. My future MIL, throughout these years she has only been respectful and supportive. The fact that she went out and booked the shower place is out of character, maybe its affecting her that her 37 year old only child is getting married (if this were my son, no matter how wonderful the finacee, I''d be a little sad).
With all that said, I am not an ungrateful person, I just want a place that doesn''t have reviews that read, "I saw the chef pick up the veal patty from the ground and put it back on the grill" and "many flies in the windows". I want a place that is not only nice for me, but also nice for the guests. For some reason that Salmonella comment, doesn''t seem that far off.
I have decided to let go. I realize that eveyone is looking to plan something great for me and I appreciate that. I just hope and pray (and then pray some more), it''s a suitable place.

Thank you so very much for you input and support,

Much love,

Luvinlife

 

[meresal]

Thanks for coming back luvinlife. Has your FMIL actually eaten at this place before?

 

[House Cat]

Letting go is a good idea because maybe that will bring you peace. Feel gratitude for the fact that you will be surrounded in good friends and loving family for the event!

As far as the food goes, bring a bottle of water and some crackers in your purse! If it seems that the restaurant has cleaned up its act, even better...then you can actually eat!



One final solution is to ask that your BM talk to your FI and have FI talk to MIL. But, in the spirit of letting go, maybe what is done is done.

 

[Mediterranean]

Yaaay! now you can relax and enjoy the rest of the wedding stuff that you, um.. can actually control and plan, LOL.

Hey, if it makes you feel any better? No one is throwing me a bridal shower. You know why? Because when people asked my mom, she told them "Oh, please my daughter is so old. Don''t be silly. If she wanted all the little parties, she would have gotten married in her 20''s before everyone ELSE got married BEFORE her and now have kids and families, and can''t afford to play foolish little single-girl games with her..."

I kid you not. My own mom.

 

[havernell]

Date: 3/26/2009 1:32:31 PM
Author: Mediterranean
Yaaay! now you can relax and enjoy the rest of the wedding stuff that you, um.. can actually control and plan, LOL.


Hey, if it makes you feel any better? No one is throwing me a bridal shower. You know why? Because when people asked my mom, she told them 'Oh, please my daughter is so old. Don't be silly. If she wanted all the little parties, she would have gotten married in her 20's before everyone ELSE got married BEFORE her and now have kids and families, and can't afford to play foolish little single-girl games with her...'

I kid you not. My own mom.

Oh Med, that make me so sad! I'm sorry your Mom is being that way. What did she want you to do- rush to the altar with some loser in your 20s just so you could have a shower "first"? Ugh.

Since (as was discussed above) Mom's aren't traditionally supposed to throw the shower anyway, couldn't some of your friends get together and plan a shower themselves even without your Mom's "blessing"? And it could be a fabulous mature-woman shower to boot! Why says showers have to be "girlish" anyway? Have your fiance tell your friends how bummed you are about no shower- I bed they'd plan one!

Sorry for the treadjack, luvinlife, but I just had to comment! But, I am glad to hear that you've made peace with the shower location. It's not worth the stress and hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised.

 

[Bia]

Date: 3/26/2009 1:32:31 PM
Author: Mediterranean
Yaaay! now you can relax and enjoy the rest of the wedding stuff that you, um.. can actually control and plan, LOL.


Hey, if it makes you feel any better? No one is throwing me a bridal shower. You know why? Because when people asked my mom, she told them ''Oh, please my daughter is so old. Don''t be silly. If she wanted all the little parties, she would have gotten married in her 20''s before everyone ELSE got married BEFORE her and now have kids and families, and can''t afford to play foolish little single-girl games with her...''

I kid you not. My own mom.

ill.

 

[luvinlife]

Mediterranean- I am sorry to hear that. If you want share my wedding shower with me (really I mean it), you can play silly games with me. Or we could have a virtual wedding shower here for you on Pricescope

.

Thanks for the support, wonderful ladies............

Luvinlife