Blah.

[FrekeChild]

So last night BF and I talked about impending engagement. Basically he was said something about buying a new computer with his tax refund instead of what he told me a few weeks ago, that half of it would go towards the "bling fund". I got kind of upset about it and when we went to bed, he could tell I wasn''t a happy camper like usual.

So he basically forced it out of me, and I confessed that him thinking about buying a laptop instead of contributing to said bling fund kind of hurt my feelings. He said that he can''t afford it and doesn''t want to think about it right now.

So we laid there in silence for a while and I was fighting back tears the whole time. Finally I just bust out with, "I don''t want to pressure you and I don''t want to rush you but it''s bothering me. I don''t want a timeline, and I feel stupid for talking about it when I do." At this point the tears were coming out, but I was able to maintain my composure a little bit and he couldn''t tell that I was crying.

We laid in silence a while longer and finally he speaks after moving closer to me. He said, (totally going to have to paraphrase)"I love you and I want you to know that it''s happening, just not right now. You said it yourself the other day, we''re living, essentially, hand to mouth. I don''t really have the money at the moment, and I don''t have it on my radar yet. I have too much going on in my life for the time being, but I can tell you that it WILL happen. I''m thinking that I want to wait until after my comps (Comprehensive exams for his PhD) when I don''t have as much stuff on my plate. I know from those wedding shows you watch, that wedding planning is really stressful, and I can''t handle you being stressed until I have less going on. Right now I''m teaching, taking classes, working at the research institute, thinking of dissertation topics, and trying to keep all of my stuff straight. After Comps, I won''t have to worry about taking my own classes anymore, and can just worry about teaching, working at the research institute and working on my dissertation. Then I will have more time on my hands, and be less stressed out. You will be totally stressed out planning a wedding, and I just can''t handle that while I''m taking classes. So don''t worry about it. It won''t happen for a while, but I promise you it will happen."

I think the whole reason I was upset is that I was just looking for reassurance. And finally, he gave that to me.

So I feel a lot better now. I''ll be here with the LIW until probably March/April ''09, so I''m wondering how far I''ll move down the list in that year. I''ve moved from #115 to #93 in about 2 months, so I''m guessing under #20. So the good news is that I''ll be around for at least another year, but the bad news is that I''ll be here for another year. But I''m ok with that because I know without a doubt that it''s happening.


On a good note though, I started saving for our wedding. I know it sounds a bit presumptuous, but I basically got tired of all of our change almost falling out of our little cup that we had it in because it''s so full, so I dumped it into a huge glass vase and told him that it was going to be the wedding fund and to put any change he has in there. (Getting the loose change out of his pockets has something to do with it, because his quarters tried really hard to break the washing machine

not very long ago.) He agreed that it was a good idea and that even though it won''t add up to much money that it''ll be something easy to save because neither one of us really uses spare change and it just sits there and gets dusty.

Anyway, long time ago, before he met me he threw all of his change into a shoe box, which I had totally forgotten about, and today he was looking at the amount of change we had and went to the bedroom where the shoe box was kept. I wasn''t paying any attention because I was trying to get ready for school. So he brings out the box and opens it and then says to me, "Hey, we can add this to it." And then proceeds to count how many rolls of pennies he''s got in there, and declares that we have at least 3 dollars in rolled coins, and tells me that I can dump it into the vase later. He was so proud of himself for remembering all of his change, it was very cute.

I know that it won''t add up to much because we don''t use cash much and I gave him permission to dig quarters out if he wants a soft drink, but I figure since we''re students, it may be the best chance we have to actually save something.

Anyway, I''m sorry this is so long and rambling, but I needed to share it with someone.

 

[ladypirate]

*hugs*

I''m sorry it won''t be happening for a while yet, but hey, at least I''ll have someone hanging around here as long as I will be to keep me company! (Poor solace, I know.)

In any case, you have a guy who loves you and obviously cares about your future together--and that''s something to cherish, even if the longer timeline is somewhat of a bitter pill to swallow.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 2/4/2008 2:23:10 PM
Author:FrekeChild

I think the whole reason I was upset is that I was just looking for reassurance. And finally, he gave that to me.

That happened for me too. He''s the more responsible one, whereas I''m like let''s just do it already! But once it was out in the open that he wasn''t ready because of money and unavoidable wedding stress, I''m calm. I know it''ll happen as soon as we can. I just bring it up every once and awhile because it''s nice to hear.

That''s cute with the change idea! I might steal that...I already steal his change anyway, at least this way it''ll benfit both of us!

 

[pjean]

Oh, oh, the graduate student engagement/stress syndrome! Oh, I''m so familiar. And I totally sympathize with the Comps problem, too.

For quite a while, my bf didn''t want to propose to me until after I finish my PhD. There were reasons (aren''t there always?) but it was kind of driving me crazy. I mean, finishing this damn degree is hard enough without also lacking that reassurance you wanted.

What would he think about a promise ring? You wouldn''t even have to wear it on your left hand if that makes him uncomfortable, it would just allow you to get that kick of reassurance every time you need it instead of every time you get upset enough to ask him for it.

Maybe you could tell him how important that reassurance was to you, and how great it was that he gave it to you. You know, be very positive about it. But then point out that you''re going to need a lot more over the next couple of years. Having a tangible symbol of the talk you just had is going to provide that. It could be a promise ring. It could be a necklace. He could write you a letter. Maybe it''s the vase of wedding change (great idea, btw). Just prepare him for the fact that you''re going to need booster shots, if you know what I mean.

 

[CNOS128]

You are SO lucky yo have a guy who''s that sweet and understanding. Even if you''re not getting engaged in the next couple months, it sounds like he''s really sensitive to your need for reassurance. It''s going to be so much better when the two of you are both completely relaxed and completely ready to start the next phase (wedding planning, I guess?).

I know how agonizing it is to think you have to wait even longer, but it''s so cool that the person you''re waiting for is (seemingly, to me, anyway!!) a great person who really loves you and cares about you. Don''t forget that part!!

TheBigT

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 2/4/2008 4:29:11 PM
Author: pjean
Oh, oh, the graduate student engagement/stress syndrome! Oh, I''m so familiar. And I totally sympathize with the Comps problem, too.

For quite a while, my bf didn''t want to propose to me until after I finish my PhD. There were reasons (aren''t there always?) but it was kind of driving me crazy. I mean, finishing this damn degree is hard enough without also lacking that reassurance you wanted.

What would he think about a promise ring? You wouldn''t even have to wear it on your left hand if that makes him uncomfortable, it would just allow you to get that kick of reassurance every time you need it instead of every time you get upset enough to ask him for it.

Maybe you could tell him how important that reassurance was to you, and how great it was that he gave it to you. You know, be very positive about it. But then point out that you''re going to need a lot more over the next couple of years. Having a tangible symbol of the talk you just had is going to provide that. It could be a promise ring. It could be a necklace. He could write you a letter. Maybe it''s the vase of wedding change (great idea, btw). Just prepare him for the fact that you''re going to need booster shots, if you know what I mean.

LOL, yes! That is the perfect phrase for it.

 

[bee*]

Glad that you got the reassurance from him! Sometimes that''s all that''s needed. I was on here for over a year before I got engaged and the time flew by! That''s so cute that he remembered the change!

 

[Independent Gal]

Awww, hon, it''ll come! I remember comps. They just about killed me. So that sounds like a good reason to me.

 

[FrekeChild]

ladypirate I''m so glad that we''ll be able to keep each other company during our stay here!! I think one reason it''s hard is that a year ago this month is when we first looked at rings, and it''s hard to stomach that nothing has happened yet, but now I know that it will happen, and yes, he does love me. Truly, that is the most important thing.

sunnyd Hahahaha!!You already steal his change? I figure that since it''s building up anyway, we might as well put it towards something!

pjean Promise rings...I asked him about this and he said that he doesn''t believe in them, and thinks they''re silly. Part of me would like a symbol just to tide me over, but part of me wants him to just save that money and put it towards my e-ring, because I want something that''s under a grand. One think that I keep thinking about is how he told me that if I bought my own stone, he would put it in a setting for my birthday present. So perhaps THAT could hold me over. I know exactly what you mean about booster shots. He does give me mini booster shots in a way, because I asked the other day, for instance, what he thought of a hot pink formal gown, not mentioning that I was thinking about it as a wedding gown, and he said that he saw me getting married in a white gown. So that helps, but you''re right. Maybe I''ll talk to him when we go to bed again tonight.

TheBigT Thanks for reminding me just how lucky I am. He''s pretty amazing. Really and truly, I knew that we wouldn''t get engaged until after his Comps because we just have too much going on. But I was still getting my hopes up, I think that this conversation will stop that anxiety, at least for a while. At the point that his Comps are over, I''ll only have a Summer term and Fall semester to complete for finish my BA, and I can save more than change at that point. So hopefully I''ll be more relaxed now.

bee* I thought it was SO cute! I remember when we didn''t live together and holding onto change to add to his shoebox. So some of that change has been there since the beginning of our relationship. It seems like it''s already adding up from just that cup and what was in the shoebox, but we have a LONG way to go before it''s filled.

IndyGal What''s funny is that he''s an excellent test taker and he''s really not worried about the tests themselves, just the classes working up to them and getting all the reading done for the Comps. If you don''t mind me asking, what were they like? I have absolutely no idea what he''s up against. I just know that he absorbs information like a sponge to an almost scary extent. I wish that I could remember half the stuff he remembers...

 

[pjean]

Date: 2/4/2008 11:00:27 PM
Author: FrekeChild
If you don''t mind me asking, what were they like? I have absolutely no idea what he''s up against.

It''s going to depend on what he''s studying and where, because it''s different from department to department and school to school. The only thing that''s common is that you have a group of experts in particular subfields ganging up on you. There''s no way that the student (only one person, and one who''s new to the field at that) can possibly know as much as a group of experts, and yet it sort of feels as though you have to.

It sucked, and my department is notorious for our easy comps.

I know you didn''t ask me, but I thought I''d chime in.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 2/4/2008 11:10:14 PM
Author: pjean

Date: 2/4/2008 11:00:27 PM

Author: FrekeChild

If you don't mind me asking, what were they like? I have absolutely no idea what he's up against.

It's going to depend on what he's studying and where, because it's different from department to department and school to school. The only thing that's common is that you have a group of experts in particular subfields ganging up on you. There's no way that the student (only one person, and one who's new to the field at that) can possibly know as much as a group of experts, and yet it sort of feels as though you have to.


It sucked, and my department is notorious for our easy comps.


I know you didn't ask me, but I thought I'd chime in.

Lol pjean! So is it an actual written exam of some sort or a debate kind of thing? I already know who will be on his committee (don't know if that's the right word) providing that nothing drastic happens. It's technically Sociology, but he's got a funky combo of criminology/statistics/networking professors. I really have no idea of the process even though I've asked other PhD students in his department...So feel free to let me anything you know!!!

 

[Miscka]

Frekechild, I don''t have any better advice than youve been given, but I totally know how you feel! I am glad you seem to be feeling better. I have totally been there and will probably be there again before all is said and done

I also know how you feel about the gifts. I am always telling BF not to get me anything and save his $$. However, a lovely new gemstone ring sounds very fun! What kind of stone are you thinking about? Were you thinking gemstone as an ering too, or did I make that up?

 

[pjean]

Date: 2/4/2008 11:50:07 PM
Author: FrekeChild
So is it an actual written exam of some sort or a debate kind of thing?

It depends. My department has a written paper and then an oral exam. Other departments have a series of written exams, or written answers to questions that you then have an oral exam about. Depends. Sorry!

 

[sunnyd]

Heck yes I steal it!!!

Hey, it''s fair game if it''s left on the desk. I don''t think he even notices...

BF feels the same way as yours about promise rings. He says we''re too old for ''em. Oh well, I feel the same way as you, I don''t want him to spend any money on me until I have that thing on my finger!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 2/5/2008 9:07:44 AM
Author: Miscka
Frekechild, I don''t have any better advice than youve been given, but I totally know how you feel! I am glad you seem to be feeling better. I have totally been there and will probably be there again before all is said and done

I also know how you feel about the gifts. I am always telling BF not to get me anything and save his $$. However, a lovely new gemstone ring sounds very fun! What kind of stone are you thinking about? Were you thinking gemstone as an ering too, or did I make that up?

I''m thinking a gray spinel for the birthday ring, and some color sapphire for the e-ring. Perhaps violet, blue green, green, or blue, but all light colors. I love love love neatfreak''s new asscher sapphire. It''s GORGEOUS! But I''m sure something like that is way out of budget for me. About 2 carats. Ish. But of course we have a big budget issue...I found one stone that I fell in love with, but I doubt that it''ll still be there when it comes time to propose...

Ok, gotta get ready for school!

 

[ladypirate]

Well, Freke, sounds like our bfs are REALLY on the same wavelength--after a pretty in-depth talk yesterday, my timeline has been revised from December 21, 2009 (OK, so he didn't mean to give a date, but that's what "a million minutes" worked out to) to "sometime next year". I'm hoping it's definitely more around the March or April time next year than the December time.

He also affirmed he will not propose on any big holidays or anything of the sort. Now I just have to work on not bringing it up until 2009. Heh. I like your change idea, though--we have a change jar, but it doesn't go toward anything concrete.

 

[FrekeChild]

Yay!!Sometime next year is infinitely better than December of next year!!Maybe we''ll get engaged around the same time!!

So I found out that the BF has been stashing more change on his side of the bed in this glass thing, when I found it today he said, "I was wondering how long it''d take you to find that. I was being too lazy to move it, and figured that you''d do it as soon as you found it." So there''s another chunk o'' change. Pun intended.

Also, he got a job interview tomorrow (they had a job expo on our university''s campus today) and he''s afraid that he might be tempted to take it instead of finishing his PhD. I don''t know whether to hope that they offer him something or not...