BF proposed to someone else in the past...

[vip0802]

i recently found this out and it kind of shocked me. we''re essentially best friends and i thought i knew just about everything about him. he did it some 12 years ago when he was 18 or 19, and he said it was one of those stupid things you do that you end up regretting. he was in a relationship with this girl, who he calls his "downfall". he had dropped out of college to be with her (she didn''t want to support a long distance relationship) and she also cheated on him. he felt that he was so in love with her, and he didn''t want to lose her...so he proposed and she agreed. shortly after, he had been in a terrible car accident (his head went through his windshield, and ended up suffering from Traumatic amnesia along with other injuries. i thank God everyday that he survived) yet, she rarely visited him at the hospital. after he got better, he said his "head got clear" (despite the blow to the head), and decided to finally end the relationship. she was so angry at him that she planted a fake bag of coke in one of his shirts that he left behind, and called the cops on him. unbelievable! i mean his dad is a corporal police officer for crying out loud...wouldn''t she have known that it wasn''t going to fly?

anyway, i know it really shouldn''t bother me since it wasn''t a "true love" proposal in the sense. i mean i knew about his relationship and everything else, but i just never knew about the proposal. he said he was sorry for not telling me before, but he just doesn''t care or think about that time. i totally understand what he''s saying and i know it''s not a big deal but, i guess i just always imagined that when he proposed to me, it would be his first time too. i feel kind of horrible for feeling this way, but is it wrong?

 

[fieryred33143]

He was 18.

Let it go.

 

[choro72]

I agree with fiery.

I have a friend whose husband had at one time planned to propose to another girl. That didn't work out. He kept that ring on a bookshelf because being a guy, he was too lazy to get rid of it. Didn't bother my friend one bit. In fact, she knew that he was going to get rid of the ex's ring when he was going to purchase my friend's ring, so she kept an eye on the box to get an idea of when he was sneaking off to get hers.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I don''t think it''s so wrong that you feel a little bad about it. I''d probably have that sense too if it were my FF. There is something sweet and endearing about being the only one. But on the otherhand, he was very young and it sounds like this girl was nothing but trouble. It IS in his past and it all happened before you two were even together. So I''d try my best to just let that part go. I almost wouldn''t even look at that relationship as being an engagement because of the fact that they were so young. It''s you he loves now and he is probably much older and wiser to the fact. He probably just wanted to let you know so it would be out in the open.

 

[sunnyd]

I know it's hard to think about your FF proposing to someone else. I once found a letter from FI's ex that said some cheese-tastic thing like 'you are my lover and friend, you will be my husband and the father of my children...' She was only 18 or something at the time, but I think generally, we don't want to hear about how IN LOVE our partners were with someone else. FI says the same thing to me that your FF says to you, he doesn't care about that time, it's over, so why talk about it? Just remember how much he loves you!

 

[swingirl]

When teenagers talk about marriage they say and think lots of things and many times it''s out of desperation, puppy love or confusing sex with love. Will you marry me, isn''t a serious proposal unless it goes along with planning, discussions of the future, love, and a mutual relationship. Don''t even put it in the same category as a real marriage proposal from a 30 year old man.

I hope you won''t let it bother you.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

He's allowed to have a past. So are you. As long as the past stays in the past it's good to have that experience under one's belt.

Don't dwell on it. He did tell you afterall. That's gotta count for something...like...oh...I don't know...he's over it, realizes it was a mistake and it was a last ditch effort to keep something on lifesupport. Seems like it would be comforting to know that when he does it this time around, he's no longer making the same mistake again. And, just because it isn't his first time doesn't make it any less special - ask any person who has been married more than once - joining forces with someone you love is amazing even if it's the second time around.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 6/26/2009 6:19:28 PM
Author: swingirl
When teenagers talk about marriage they say and think lots of things and many times it''s out of desperation, puppy love or confusing sex with love. Will you marry me, isn''t a serious proposal unless it goes along with planning, discussions of the future, love, and a mutual relationship. Don''t even put it in the same category as a real marriage proposal from a 30 year old man.

I hope you won''t let it bother you.

Ditto this. It was so long ago, and I bet you''ll get over your initial hurt feelings quickly.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I agree with the above, it was in the past. I think he is telling you about it to clear the past, which is a good thing. Mistakes made in past relationships help people figure out what they really want in a partner. It sounds like he has learned from his mistakes. I wouldn''t worry too much about it.

 

[Jessie702]

Okay, so i sooooo had to respond to this. C has been married twice before, and when he proposes, i will be wife number 3!

Now did the thought of this bother me ? Yes, at first, but than i reliazed, him going through two other marriages and divorces makes him understand love the relationship and bond that we have. I think that, his prior relationships, as crazy as they may have been, help mold him into the person i love today, because he has made the mistakes and has learned from them. I hate that im not number 1 but than i reliaze that i will be the only true and lasting one. He is my only and one, and i am is one. Its diffcult to think about him and his past, but than i know whats in his future. OUR FUTURE. So let it go, it has helped him become the man he is today.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

My FI was engaged once before with the wedding all planned when she pulled the pin 6 months before the wedding.
It took me 2 years to go and have dinner at the restuarant he proposed in. But once i did, i saw that their whole engagement etc was no big deal, and it all happened only a year before we met.
He got rid of the engagement ring but the wedding rings had been sitting at the jewellery store for over a year, she had never seen it, tried it on and they were never married so i kind of figure the ring wasn''t ''hers'' anyway.. i now wear that band on my right hand, it was kind of a friendship/promise ring for me from him. When i look at the ring it reminds me of what she has lucked out on and what i have gained. Yeah, people might feel it is a little weird that i am wearing somone elses intended wedding ring but the way i see it is that it was never going to be hers anyway.. she never wore it and she called it off. Her loss is my gain and i didn''t want to waste a channel set princess cut band in platinum.

I guess my point is it is only a big deal if you make it one.

 

[vip0802]

thanks ladies! *HUGS* yeah, i know it's all in the past and i told myself that it wasn't a big deal at all. i actually talked to BF about me and my "girl moment", and he just gave me a hug and said, "if it makes you feel any better, the ring i gave her was crap! i got it from the...you know, *air quote* "maul"." hahaha!

 

[Indylady]

Date: 6/26/2009 11:58:13 PM
Author: vip0802
thanks ladies! *HUGS* yeah, i know it''s all in the past and i told myself that it wasn''t a big deal at all. i actually talked to BF about me and my ''girl moment'', and he just gave me a hug and said, ''if it makes you feel any better, the ring i gave her was crap! i got it from the...you know, *air quote* ''maul''.'' hahaha!

Hehe that must have been priceless!

 

[Squirrly]

Date: 6/26/2009 11:58:13 PM
Author: vip0802
thanks ladies! *HUGS* yeah, i know it''s all in the past and i told myself that it wasn''t a big deal at all. i actually talked to BF about me and my ''girl moment'', and he just gave me a hug and said, ''if it makes you feel any better, the ring i gave her was crap! i got it from the...you know, *air quote* ''maul''.'' hahaha!

lol glad you''re feeling better! and glad you''re not getting something from the... "maul"

 

[Mannequin]

Glad you are feeling better about this. It''s good that he told you and that you were able to voice your feelings to him about the previous proposal - good communication skills in action!

To answer your original question: Feeling bad about the other proposal is not wrong, but in the long run, who gets the great guy?

My sweetie bought promise rings for TWO other girls in his past relationships because that was what they wanted/felt appropriate at the time, and I have been previously engaged, though I called off the wedding and broke up with the guy. None of that really matters, though, because we are together now and planning a great future. All those experiences brought us to now and help us appreciate each other even more.

 

[princessplease]

I would let it go. I was engaged for a brief period of time when I was 19. It was more like "Well we''ve been together for almost 4 years, so propose to me". He didn''t want to and I basically forced him to propose with this hideous ring just so I could tell people we were getting married. It seemed like the only natural thing to do, the next step, so to say. Now, it''s like it never happened. I would definitely let it go.

 

[vip0802]

Date: 6/27/2009 8:06:51 AM
Author: Squirrly

Date: 6/26/2009 11:58:13 PM

Author: vip0802

thanks ladies! *HUGS* yeah, i know it''s all in the past and i told myself that it wasn''t a big deal at all. i actually talked to BF about me and my ''girl moment'', and he just gave me a hug and said, ''if it makes you feel any better, the ring i gave her was crap! i got it from the...you know, *air quote* ''maul''.'' hahaha!

lol glad you''re feeling better! and glad you''re not getting something from the... ''maul''

LOL! thanks! i forgot to mention that right after he said that, i told him that he could propose with a rubber band if he wanted to and i wouldn''t care. but yes, it did make me feel a little better knowing that.

szh07, equestrienne and princessplease - thank you for all the stories and input...it really did help. i feel so much better about this too...i think a lot of it had to do with just being able to talk to him about it.

 

[KimberlyH]

It''s not "wrong" to feel something, it''s what you do with it that matters. Recognizing your response as emotional, not logical is a step in the right direction.

I was engaged to someone before I married my husband. I wouldn''t be who I am, where I am, if that hadn''t happened. He''s never been bothered by it as he knows that all those life experiences prior to him are what make me me and I don''t think he''d trade that for a woman who''d never been proposed to.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 6/26/2009 6:43:52 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 6/26/2009 6:19:28 PM
Author: swingirl
When teenagers talk about marriage they say and think lots of things and many times it''s out of desperation, puppy love or confusing sex with love. Will you marry me, isn''t a serious proposal unless it goes along with planning, discussions of the future, love, and a mutual relationship. Don''t even put it in the same category as a real marriage proposal from a 30 year old man.

I hope you won''t let it bother you.

Ditto this. It was so long ago, and I bet you''ll get over your initial hurt feelings quickly.

Thritto.

 

[tlh]

Date: 6/30/2009 12:17:57 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 6/26/2009 6:43:52 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 6/26/2009 6:19:28 PM
Author: swingirl
When teenagers talk about marriage they say and think lots of things and many times it''s out of desperation, puppy love or confusing sex with love. Will you marry me, isn''t a serious proposal unless it goes along with planning, discussions of the future, love, and a mutual relationship. Don''t even put it in the same category as a real marriage proposal from a 30 year old man.

I hope you won''t let it bother you.

Ditto this. It was so long ago, and I bet you''ll get over your initial hurt feelings quickly.

Thritto.

I agree with Swingirl. He was 18. I wouldn''t give it another thought, regardless of what kind of ring he gave her.

 

[pluck15]

It''s also nice to think that even though she may have been the first,....you will be the last!