Bad Behaviors

[allycat0303]

I really need to vent, and get some advice. Ok, so my boyfriend is a good guy, he''s really amazing, etc., but there''s this thing he does periodically that makes me crazy!! Once in a while (like every 6 months) he''ll call at the last moment and cancel plans he made with me. For example, yesturday he told me that we would spend the night together we practically never see each other because I''m always studying. Most of the time, I''ll just sit next to him while he watches TV, and I''ll studying. This is what our lives consist of. So he tells me to study during the day today, and we''ll watch a movie together tonight. So I get up at 5:00 am, and start studying. I took a quick break to surf pricescope but aside from that I study all day, and I''m super excited to see him, he finishes work at 4:00. So he calls me at 4:30 to tell me, he won''t be coming because one of his friends just called him, and he''s going to play baseball. Now seriously, he plays baseball 2 times a week during the WHOLE summer, and it''s hockey on Sunday, so this isn''t a matter of "it''s a guy''s night out"

Now of course, my guy isn''t perfect, he does full of things that I''m sure would drive a girl crazy, but this is the one thing that I REALLY take personally, and it hurts my feelings. It''s like plans with me aren''t important, and that his friends are more important. Now this has been an ongoing thing in our relationship. At the beginning, it used to happen all the time (like every week) but now it''s a rare occurence. It''s just he kNOWS how I feel about it (we broke up for 2 months 4 years ago because of this issue and have had countless talks about it) AND when we got back together he promised me it would never happen again. Of course it did, not at an alarming frequency but just enough to make me wonder if he takes promises seriously. I know it sounds totally benign, but for me this is a potential deal breaker. I''ve tried talking it out (explaining it rationally), yelling at him (a lot less rational), but he just doesn''t seem to get it.

I always take this pet peeve personally, but I think I''m taking it really hard because he''s been really mean to me this week (his uncle died of cancer) and I know he always deals with grief by getting really irritable and angry. He''s been lashing out at me all week and I''m just at the end of my patience. If he would cry and be sad, I can handle that, but this constant "I''m annoyed at you" makes we wonder how were going to handle the rest of my life.

I''m just feeling overburdened at this point. So besides from just venting, my question is, do any of you gals have boys that can push your buttons sometimes? And b) Have you successfully dealt with an issue concerning your boyfriend that is recurrent?

Thanks ladies!

 

[Rhapsody]

Ugh, I HATE when my BF blows off plans we made. It used to happen all the time in the beginning, but he got a bit better. Then the problem shifted to inviting people to join us when we had plans

It was ridiculous and would make me SO mad. We were both in school full time and working full time so we hardly had any time together and when we did get a night out I didn''t want to spend it with a bunch of other people.

It took me a long time to realize that what the problem was is that my boyfriend is kinda a wuss when it comes to saying no to people. He hates disappoiting people and somehow in his warped mind thought it would be best if I was the only one disappointed instead of all his friends. I was put in a bad position because I would be cranky when we were out because he changed our plans and all his friends started to think I was a big ol'' b*tch. It took SOO many discussions and arguments but he finally realized that he was really taking me for granted with his actions and that he needed to change his behaviour. I had to finally refuse to go and that was what it took to show how much it hurt me. Now he always calls to ask if he wants to change plans and he even calls to make sure i didn''t have plans that i didn''t tell him about before he goes out with the boys. I finally have him trained!

If it''s been getting better I would just keep working on it and say something when it does happen, so that he doesn''t start to think it doesn''t matter any more.

I''m sorry about his uncle and I hope he finds a more constructive way to deal with his grief, that doesn''t hurt the other people around him so much.

 

[FireGoddess]

I can completely see how this would annoy you, particularly having discussed it already, not to mention having gotten up extra early to study so you two could go to a movie tonight!

Could it be that he wants to go play baseball because it is a bigger stress reliever for him at this point than going to a movie? I want to clarify here that I am NOT making excuses for him, because I'd be pissed if I were you too. But dealing with family member having cancer myself, I know how it is to lash out at the people you love even though you don't mean to because you feel helpless and irritable. Just yesterday I told DH I'm sorry if I've been cranky and mean but I'm freaking out and it's a side effect of how I'm dealing. Now, my family member hasn't died like your FI's has, so he may be grieving quite a bit more. Could it be that playing baseball is helping him vent? Regardless of the answer to that question, it is wrong of him to make these plans with you and then disregard you at the last minute. I would reiterate to him that you feel slighted by him, particularly when you are rearranging your schedule and your priorities to be able to spend that time with him.

Good luck.

 

[Starset]

Going out after work without calling and letting me know.

I don''t need to know with who. I don''t need to know which bar. I need to know that you''re not coming straight home.

He gets off work at 8pm or anytime thereafter depending on the activities of the day. When it becomes 9:30.....10:00 and he''s not answering his cell phone, I get irritated. I know where he probably is and who he''s most likely with. It''s not an issue of trust whatsoever. It''s a decency and courtesy issue.

Especially since I''ve made it an issue in the past you''d think he''d never do it again. Granted it''s been a long time but he did it again last Friday. He was dropping off a friend at a bar. When he didn''t come straight back I figured he probably got suckered in to one or two so it''s no big deal. But when he finally comes to bed at 1:00am - all he''ll get from me is a ''thanks for calling %#$&*$!@^" and a cold shoulder.

You''re right Ally - it''s hard not to take personally when they already know it upsets you.

 

[decodelighted]

I can totally see how this is annoying and inconsiderate but maybe give this one a pass. I''d bet it has a lot more to do with processing his feelings re: the loss, de-stressing and maybe even distancing himself a bit from you (irrationally, but for fear of being close & losing you). Death brings up a lot of stuff for people. He''s pulling away, you''re feeling rejected but IT WILL REALLY PASS!! I swear! Times of crisis or emotional upheaval are NEVER the time to diagnose patterns or expect chance or "have it out". IMHO -- Exercise that compassion muscle this time!

 

[kimberlina13]

Sorry to hear about your frustrations. It doesn''t sound like to me that your bf is being mean on purpose, like you said, that''s just how he gets when he''s dealing with emotionally heavy times. And it sounds like right now is not the best time to once again bring up your pet peeve and how he just seems to not care about it. Now don''t get me wrong, don''t just let it drop. But when he''s saying things like I''m annoyed with you and you''re saying that what he''s doing is annoying, that is just a recipe for disaster. If it were me, I would talk with my bf and tell him that you understand that he''s going through a rough patch with his uncle''s death, but that doesn''t mean he gets to treat you like crap, so you''re going to give him some space to let him deal with whatever he''s got to deal with.

Hope this helped a little....

We''ve all got pet peeves and annoying little habits, and unfortunately, those closest to us, know this about us and become our worst enemy when it comes to pushing those buttons, but it''s really just about talking through them and making each other understand why they are our pet peeves and why feelings get hurt when it seems that they are ignored...

Good luck.

 

[monarch64]

My scenario''s a bit different, but I can certainly sympathize with your situation, alleycat. It always hurts to feel like you''re being taken for granted and I know your BF''s attitude this past week while he''s grieving has put a strain on things as well. I hope things get better for you two soon.

When I first met my husband and we were dating long distance, I told him specifically that one of the reasons I was attracted to him was because he was a "guy''s guy." He likes to go fishing, golfing, all kinds of things that I knew I wouldn''t necessarily be included in. But I always thought that couples need to have their own interests and that time away from each other is a great thing to keep the relationship fresh. Just by me making this clear to him, I feel he has shown me so many times that while he loves having his "guy" time, he still wants to come home to me and spend time with me doing activities we both like as a couple, and going on "dates." I have other interests on my own and am involved in several things he wouldn''t really enjoy doing with my friends and other social acquaintances, and I think that''s helped him appreciate that we both need to make time for each other. We just sort of have that understanding...he''s gone to Vegas a couple of times on his own with friends (not single guys, lol), and to Canada for 10 days at a time where there are no phones or cellphone reception. He also travels frequently for his job, and when he comes home after any of this, we are always so happy to see each other.

I really believe that if I had been insistent at all upon the fact that he spend time with me and involve me in everything, and looked at this "guy" time as excluding me, things wouldn''t have worked out so well between us. I''m not going to lie, though, sometimes I do miss him and wish he''d have taken me with him or that he wasn''t so tired when he comes home from trips when all I want to do is go out to dinner or something fun instead of resting at home all night...but the choice I have made is to really give him the freedom of making the choice for himself and for us, and I expect the same in return from him.

I guess my point in telling you all of this is that you can''t have hurt feelings every time this happens--it breeds resentment and isn''t good for your relationship. If it''s only happening as infrequently as every six months, than maybe you can look at it as him needing that time to spend with friends, not INSTEAD of you, just that he''s just doing one of those "boy" things and it doesn''t mean he doesn''t want to spend the time with you, but that right at that moment he thinks that he needs to be just a guy. Sure, sometimes it sucks, but wouldn''t you rather be known as the cool girlfriend who has her own thing going on and cares enough about her man to let him do those things once in a while? It will pay off for you in the end, trust me.

I have the sports thing to contend with, too...in the fall my DH does nothing but live and breathe football...goes to Bears games almost every Sunday, etc. I catch myself getting whiny every once in a while, and wishing football didn''t exist, but he''s in his heyday and it makes him so happy I couldn''t stand to let him know I was feeling bummed about it and take the chance that he''d start feeling guilty about it, and maybe resenting me a little for that.

Among the rewards I''ve seen from being able to let go of some of my frustrations about having my own buttons pushed are that my DH makes a point of doing nice things for me, like taking me on vacations, watching AI with me even though he says he doesn''t like it, and also that all his friends love me to death now and actually ask him to bring me along to football games, etc. Things will get better for you alleycat, just try to have patience and understanding. If he''s not ditching you at times like weddings or really important events is it really that bad for him to change his mind a couple times a year? (Last minute is maybe not so cool, though, I agree with you there.) If you can count on him 95% of the time, getting "blown off" 5% of the time, IMO, doesn''t seem toooo awful...

Just my .02. Cultivate your own interests, have a backup plan for times like this, and let him get his "guy" time out of his system so he can focus completely on you when you''re together!

 

[allycat0303]

Rhapsody: I''m totally understanding you. Sometimes, I do feel like he can''t say no...but at the same time, I never want to be one of those girls that makes "excuses" for him ya know? And I don''t like being taken for granted.

Firegoddess: I hadn''t thought of it as a stress reliever until you mentioned it. It''s all hard to gauge because he''s not exactly talking about his feelings

I actually have no idea what he''s thinking about the death, because he hasn''t said one word other then "he didn''t deserve this" No tears, nothing. I''m even going on the assumption that he''s upset.

Starset: Hugs babe! I have a feeling you know a little to well how I feel right at this very moment. It''s like, "you know it''s an issue" SO WHY DO IT!!

Decoded: I really hope that your right that it''s just grief, honestly, I''m doubting myself.

Monarch: Thanks for sharing your story. I really needed to hear that even happily married couples have issues too!
Kimberlina: Thanks for taking the time for replying. I really m taking all these things into consideration.

Thanks ladies for answering. I''m just sitting here analyzing it, but honestly, I feel like he doesn''t love me anymore. I want to think I''m being irrational, but he''s been really mean. I mean his aunt (the widow) doesn''t know me well but she called me a lot during the illness because she needed info and I helped her alot. In any case, when I went to the funeral, I hugged her, and told her if she needed to talk etc., I was here. In any case, she had a lot of questions about how he died that she wanted to ask me (and did, right after the funeral in a private room), some stuff she didn''t understand. In any case, my boyfriend YELLED at me on the way home. He told me I was being nosy/inconsiderate. I just felt bad. I''m comfortable with this stuff, I talk to people all the time about their loved ones dying, etc., and I''m not afraid to broach the subject. And his aunt WANTED to talk, I didn''t force her. She took me aside, because there was some stuff that had been bothering her.

Then he yelled at me that he didn''t like the way I had designed the brick paving and that I could "mow the lawn myself because I was making it more difficult for him"

And we went for a walk to try and talk things out and he yelled at me because he had so much stuff to do and that I was wasting his time.

And tonight he ditches me for his friends.

Basically in 1 week, he''s been nastier to me then 10 YEARS ACCUMULATED TOGETHER. All crammed into one week. If he shed a tear I would know it''s his uncle, but honestly, I''m making an assumption. He''s never even said "I''m sad" so maybe what I''m interpreting as grief is just "I don''t want to be with you anymore" I''ve been watching him, and he seems to feel the need to spend lots of time with his family (I''m really close to them too) but it seems like the only person he doesn''t want to be close to is me. And I''m getting fed up. Honestly, I''m not known for my patience. I''m really kind of like, "well if you don''t want to be me" then let me know so I can move on. I mean I even asked him point blank if he was upset about his uncle and he said "No". I just figure men don''t lie. Urgh. Men stink today.

Thanks everyone for letting me vent

 

[Kaleigh]

Ally, first off {{{big hugs}}} Sounds like he is going through a tough time loosing his uncle and can''t express his emotions right now. I get that from my husband sometimes too. I just give him his space and when he is ready to talk, I listen. Hang in there!! It ain''t easy and I have been married for almost 20 years. It''s always a learning process.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

I''m sorry Ally.

It sounds like things are really rough right now. From what I read, you''re doing everything you can to keep things going the way they were and you''re not getting any reciprocation. I am in grad school, and before my boyfriend moved away for an incredible job opportunity I remember what it was like to juggle getting papers and presentations done after work and before being able to spend time with my honey. I''m not a morning person by any means, so getting up at 5am to get your studying done is a HUGE deal. If you hadn''t altered your day for him maybe once every 6 months wouldn''t be that bad, but it sounds like he''s not appreciative of your feelings and how much you''re taking on to keep things great between you. I would be hurt too!
On a side note, a similar thing happened with my boyfriend and I about a month ago. He moved away to work for a baseball team, so we knew that over the summer he wouldn''t be able to fly home too often (if at all.) I''ve seen him a few times since he moved, but I had asked him a few times when he thought he might be able to come visit his family and I back home. He kept saying he wasn''t sure because he has to work every game and many weekends doing various projects. I completely understand, but I just wondered if he would be coming home at all or if I should try to spend a week out there with him in between my classes instead of one weekend each month (which I''m thankful for.) Anyway, a couple weeks ago he called me one night after work and said he would be coming home in June because all of his buddies would be in town for a Cubs game. I thought, great! He''ll see his family, and this time I won''t have to fly out to visit and we can go back to our favorite places out here. Then, he tells me that his friends got tickets for games the whole weekend and he''d be spending the whole weekend downtown with the guys, but he''d love to see me if I can pick him up from the airport on Thursday night and drop him off when he flies back Sunday afternoon. That irked me. I completely understand that he misses his friends, especially since he never saw them too often anyway (they all live in Michigan) but I repeatedly asked if he had any clue when he could come visit at home. When what seemed like a better opportunity came along, he miraculously managed to get out of working one weekend to come home for the boys, and visit me since he needed a ride to and from the airport. I thought, I''m sorry, that''s not cool you know? Anyway, a few hours later we talked before bed and he felt really bad since we did argue a bit when he told me...never yelled but had a bit of an attitude when I questioned him about it. He told me how sorry he was that he treated me so badly and understands why I was upset and rightfully so...he should have put us first and didn''t, and he wanted to surprise me but let the cat out of the bag that he got an extra ticket for me (I''m a huge Cubbies fan) and he wants to spend the weekend with me, alone, after the game. I thought that was really sweet, especially since he jumped on me and called himself on it.
What I''m trying to say is you''re not alone. Maybe he isn''t handling his uncle''s death very well, but although this doesn''t seem like a big issue on the surface he''s still hurting you even though you''ve talked about it before. My advice to you is to calmly make your feelings known, and why you feel the way you do. You have the right to express yourself and he needs to receive that. Good luck hun!

 

[Rhapsody]

Date: 5/9/2006 7:01:56 PM
Author: allycat0303
Rhapsody: I''m totally understanding you. Sometimes, I do feel like he can''t say no...but at the same time, I never want to be one of those girls that makes ''excuses'' for him ya know? And I don''t like being taken for granted.


Thanks ladies for answering. I''m just sitting here analyzing it, but honestly, I feel like he doesn''t love me anymore. I want to think I''m being irrational, but he''s been really mean. I mean his aunt (the widow) doesn''t know me well but she called me a lot during the illness because she needed info and I helped her alot. In any case, when I went to the funeral, I hugged her, and told her if she needed to talk etc., I was here. In any case, she had a lot of questions about how he died that she wanted to ask me (and did, right after the funeral in a private room), some stuff she didn''t understand. In any case, my boyfriend YELLED at me on the way home. He told me I was being nosy/inconsiderate. I just felt bad. I''m comfortable with this stuff, I talk to people all the time about their loved ones dying, etc., and I''m not afraid to broach the subject. And his aunt WANTED to talk, I didn''t force her. She took me aside, because there was some stuff that had been bothering her.


Then he yelled at me that he didn''t like the way I had designed the brick paving and that I could ''mow the lawn myself because I was making it more difficult for him''


And we went for a walk to try and talk things out and he yelled at me because he had so much stuff to do and that I was wasting his time.


And tonight he ditches me for his friends.


Basically in 1 week, he''s been nastier to me then 10 YEARS ACCUMULATED TOGETHER. All crammed into one week. If he shed a tear I would know it''s his uncle, but honestly, I''m making an assumption. He''s never even said ''I''m sad'' so maybe what I''m interpreting as grief is just ''I don''t want to be with you anymore'' I''ve been watching him, and he seems to feel the need to spend lots of time with his family (I''m really close to them too) but it seems like the only person he doesn''t want to be close to is me. And I''m getting fed up. Honestly, I''m not known for my patience. I''m really kind of like, ''well if you don''t want to be me'' then let me know so I can move on. I mean I even asked him point blank if he was upset about his uncle and he said ''No''. I just figure men don''t lie. Urgh. Men stink today.


Thanks everyone for letting me vent

Oh sweetie, I''m so sorry this is making you feel like he doesn''t love you any more. I''m SURE that''s not the problem. He probably hasn''t even realized himself how hurt he is over this, and is looking for other outlets for his hurt and anger and unfortunately we tend to hurt the ones we love because we trust them to love us even if we''re acting like jerks. I think Firegoddess is right, you may just have to back off and give him some space and time on his own. He might not be ready to "feel" all this yet and just needs to hash it out in his head for awhile.

And it''s not about making excuses, it''s about understanding where their thoughts and actions are coming from and figuring out if you can do something to change the behaviour or if you can live with it. I know for us it was almost a deal breaker, because I felt like I always either had to bend to what he wanted or else look like the pyscho girlfriend who never lets the guy do anything. But sometimes you do just have to let it go.

 

[Mara]

one of my biggest pet peeves is when Greg forgets to call to update me on something, aka he says he will be on the 7pm train and then he missed it and keeps working and forgets to call until i call him and go where are you and he says oh i'll be on the 9pm train or whatever. that drives me insane! he does it infrequently, but when it happens it soooo irritates me. that is just one of my pet peeves in general, aka flakey people or people who blow you off or never call to cancel or whatever so when he does it, its even worse because he KNOWS it bugs me. but honestly it's just that he DOESNT THINK about it. when i take him to task for it, he is always like SORRY honey i forgot!!! i mean what can i say then? not to make excuses for them but sometimes boys are just dumb when it comes to stuff, aka like remembering what pushes your buttons or remembering to call you..maybe he meant to call earlier and cancel and kept getting distracted etc. anyway...i would just say take a deep breath and realize you have to pick your battles...but yes i can see how that would hurt your feelings, aka he'd rather go hang with the guys than with you.

can you lay a ground rule which is that he has to call to cancel or change plans an X amount of time ahead of time? aka if he had called you this morning it would have been okay maybe? but to call at 4 and blow you off? that is inappropriate and he shouldn't be able to do that so easily. how do you respond when he does it? 'okay honey' or are you upset with him verbally?

what also bugs me is how you say that he gets irritated with you or that he is mean to you because he feels upset about a family thing/his uncle etc. you two are a partnership, you are getting married, why can't he use you and your love to help heal him after this tragedy and not try to turn you away or turn on you?? i read this article once in a town and country, and it just totally stuck with me. i even read it to greg. it was about how we treat those who are closest to us, those who should get the BEST OF US, yet we treat them the absolute worst. now stop and think for a second, because it's mostly true. why is it when you come home from work after having a bad day, your spouse can easily tick you off rather than make you feel relaxed at the sight of them? why is it that we feel it's okay to be rude to those we love and adore rather than rude to those who we are actually mad at (boss, bad drivers, telemarketers, whatever)? trust me i do it too sometimes....and it's because we know that the other party will still love and adore us even though we were just a raging bitch or an ass to them, whereas the boss might fire us, the bad driver may shoot us, the telemarketer may stalk you...or whatever....you get the point. anyway this has always stuck with me as i definitely think it's true in our society that those who want our best most of the time end up getting a mix of best and worst and somewhere in between and everyone else just gets the polite response.

have you two thought about pre-marital counseling?? i would definitely encourage it. it will help you to communicate better and in more healthy ways. we didn't take it but i wish we would have just because i think it would have been beneficial, i have heard great things about it. i think that many times couples CAN and will figure things out on their own over time, but if you can get armed with the tools up front beforehand, why not?? good luck gal....my thoughts are with you!!

 

[FireGoddess]

Can you gently tell him, "Hey, hon, you're being kinda mean to me. I know you have a lot of crap going on right now and a lot on your plate, but I feel hurt by you and I don't know if you mean to do it, but it kinda stings." He is a guy after all and maybe not as in touch with his feelings as we are. Was he close to this uncle? He may be freaked out and stressed about it because perhaps those are more accessible emotions to him than sadness. Is it his mom or dad's brother? Maybe he's also feeling stress trying to help one of his parents cope with the loss of their sibling. It's a tremendous blow and we don't all react by crying about it.

Only after I apologized over dinner last night did DH say, "You know, you really have been kind of mean to me." I felt so bad, obviously. I mean, I would get angry at him every time he said, "When are you going home? Are you going home to see your parents this week?" because it was stressing me out, since I had been asking myself the same questions, wondering when I should go, what I should do... He was only trying to help, but unfortunately his kind of help was serving more to stress me out than to calm me down. I'm not trying to project the same reaction on to your fiance, but more to reiterate that I think this has nothing to do with you or how much he loves you at all. I can certainly see how it would make you question that, but I don't think it's the case. Approach with kid gloves - the anger may likely be hiding something else. *hugs*

ETA: separate from the uncle thing - my DH does get COMPLETELY flaky about timing - similar to what Mara just posted - like 'oh, I'm on my way home, will be there in 15 minutes' and an hour and a half later he's still not home. I'm like 'are you walking, or what?!' and he's like 'oh, had to do x y z...' drives me batty. Sometimes they are dense about these things, and do need occasional reminders. I've had him promise to stop doing x only to do it again the next day, apologetically of course, but do it nonetheless, so I'm afraid I'm not tremendous help in that area because mine needs repeated reminders.

 

[hlmr]

Hi Ally:

This kind of reminds me of my friends situation a year ago. Her DH''s brother died suddenly and her DH withdrew from her and their daughters, became cold and distant and nasty. He used to always pull her close to him for a hug in the morning before he got out of bed in the morning and even that stopped, which chilled my friend to the bone with hurt.

She understood that this was his way of dealing and she knew that there wasn''t a whole lot she could do except be there for him. She really became the silent victim for a few month but eventually he did come out of his shell and start to talk about his pain and share his thoughts and emotions with her once again. I saw her literally age before my eyes during that time period. My heart went out to both of them.

It definitely was a case of letting out the bad stuff with the one you love/trust the most but that sure doesn''t make it easy for the one on the receiving end.

I would still let him know that he needs to respect your time together and if you make plans he needs to keep them, within reason. Going to play baseball with his friends instead is not reasonable. Always use..... I felt this way when.......messages instead of....You did this to me..........which will only put him more on the defensive.

Let him know that you understand he is in a lot of pain right now and is feeling angry but you are there for him emotionally as a partner, not a punching bag.

Take good care and good luck to you with this difficult time in your relationship.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Oh ally this just sucks! While this specific situation does not happen for me I can feel your pain over having something reoccur time and again even after discussing things. And I agree with everything Mara said! Some very good insights there! He is most likely lashing out at you just because he knows you will stand by his side. I would say give him some space and try to talk about things in a week after he has hopefully cooled down. Last night was a breaking point for me and my guy and we finally got to the root of his problems, it just all came out. Sometimes you can feel like you have talked a subject to death but in my experience it just takes time for guys to find any sensible thoughts in those dense heads. And when your guy can figure out and openly admit what is causing him to be so angry, perhaps you can finally move forward and tackle other issues like him being mean and blowing you off. I know it stings when it happens but if it is only every 6 months I would try to forgive him (after talking to him of course). My guy and I have set rules about calls (we are VERY long distance) and some nights hehonestly falls asleep from exhaustion and I get upset. But I give in and accept it because no one is perfect. And he apologizes afterwards. On a second note too, as something I have come to accept, there may be things about our SO that we don''t understand but accept. And IMO, although he doesn''t understand why this upsets you, he needs to accept it and change his behavior slightly to account for it. Well I hope that helped a tad! I''ll quit rambling. Keep us updated. *HUGS*

 

[hlmr]

Date: 5/9/2006 7:55:08 PM
Author: FireGoddess

ETA: separate from the uncle thing - my DH does get COMPLETELY flaky about timing - similar to what Mara just posted - like ''oh, I''m on my way home, will be there in 15 minutes'' and an hour and a half later he''s still not home. I''m like ''are you walking, or what?!'' and he''s like ''oh, had to do x y z...'' drives me batty. Sometimes they are dense about these things, and do need occasional reminders. I''ve had him promise to stop doing x only to do it again the next day, apologetically of course, but do it nonetheless, so I''m afraid I''m not tremendous help in that area because mine needs repeated reminders.

Ditto to this!! lol I do believe men are all hardwired this way and it is just crazy for us "planners".

FireGoddess - don''t be too hard on yourself either. You are aware of, and talking about your feelings with your DH and very cognizant of your state of mind right now. Take good care of yourself too!

 

[allycat0303]

Mara: you hit the nail on the head. First off, if he had called this morning, I'm totally chill about it. There's something about calling me at 4:30 when you're supposed to be at my house at 4:00 that's really hurtful ya know? AND the whole grief issue is exactly what I'm talking about. I read in this book that with death, there's only 2 ways a couple handles it, they either come together or they grow apart (this was concerning the death of a child) in any case, only 50% of couples that experience the death of a child in this way stay together, and it's the people that come together. If it is grief, I just see this as a poor prognosis on our relationship. I mean is he always going to deal with trauma by ripping me open. He's just such a freakin' man. A man in the truest sense. I swear, every time I try to bring up the whole death issue...he's GRUNTED! Or made some sort of noise that was the close. I think we do need some counselling, because I can't see how his reactions are going to make the relationship stronger. But I'm not banking on it, I think he would be totally opposed to this idea.

Firegoddess: Yes, I told him he was being mean. I nearly ripped my head off....so I haven't broached the subject again. But the more you tell me about your reactions, the more I'm reassured that maybe this is his way of reacting to grief. Makes me feel better about all this. I hope that you'll feel better soon too. Life, can be hard sometimes. It's his mom's brother, and they weren't close, maybe saw each other 2 times a year, but of all his aunts and uncles, this man was truly an angel. A good, funloving, kind hearted man. Who incidentally, told his wife just before he died that the saddest part was he was never going to see her again. And he told her that in their 35+ years of being together, he had never cheated on her, and had never been happier

. I think part of the reason, is none of us really understand why. He has some really bad, mean, uncles, so why the one that was so good? I don't know if he's having trouble with the actual death, or just the plain unfairness of it.

Rhapsody: You're a doll. Thanks for sharing your experience. Honestly, this situation is multi-levels at this moment, and it's just good to know that I'm not the only girlfriend that goes through this aspect of the problem. When it happens, I always wonder "is this still a good relationship?" and "am I the only one in the world that her guy does this to?" It just makes me question my relationship left and right, because so few of my friends are in long term relationships, so I can't compare.

IrishAngel: I'm glad to know that I don't have the only sports obsessed man. I always thought he was a bit excessive you know. And sometimes, it's annoying. He says that I'm hard on him sometimes, because I get annoyed, but it looks like I definitely have company.

Ilovesparkles: I'm gritting my teeth, and taking the meaness. I told him multiple times that I'm here for him, if he needs me etc., yes, and he grunts or ignores me, but I'm going to do my best to stand by him. I am going to give him some space, and try to stay out of his way. I think it would be silly for me to keep on trying to be with him, if he just wants to be left alone. Respecting his wished I guess.

hlmr: Yes, things are a little rough right now. I'm just hoping I'm interpreting this situation correctly. I'd feel like such a fool if at the end he was like "actually it's you that's been annoying me"

. I think there would be trouble.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

After reading what everyone else has said, there really are two things that happen in a rough situation. Not to compare your guy with 9 year-olds

but I talked about this with my 3rd graders today. Basically when someone is hurting and he/she is aware of it, they become sad. If he''s hurting and not in touch with his hurt feelings, he becomes angry and lashes out. It makes sense in your situation, but I wish there was a way for your guy to understand that it''s not okay to treat you disrespectfully. I hope it works out for you!

 

[FireGoddess]

Hlmr - thanks for the kind words. Love you guys.

Date: 5/9/2006 8:21:49 PM
Author: allycat0303
I''d feel like such a fool if at the end he was like ''actually it''s you that''s been annoying me''

. I think there would be trouble.

If this happens at the end, there''s gonna be a line of us waiting to punch his lights out.

At this point I''d try to back away and let him lick his wounds but don''t let his stuff get to you. Just draw your radius and let his fallout stay within it, but away from you at your core. When he reaches out to you (ie. wanna go to a movie tomorrow) then stand firm and say ''yes, but I do expect you to follow through, since I''m making sacrifices to spend the time with you.'' Just because he''s hurting or whatever is going on, doesn''t mean you have to take all the lumps.

 

[anchor31]

It has happened that my BF has not kept promises he made to me and we fight about it every time. Fortunately, it''s happening less and less now, but it''s not easy trying to break this kind of habits he''s acquired by living with parents who have no respect for each other and their children...

The most effective way I''ve found is to tell him how hurt it makes me feel; sometimes I really need to get my horns out and get mad

, but it usually works.

So, my first thought was to tell you to talk to him about how it makes you feel, and then reading about how he''s been treating you, I was going to tell you to yell at him right back!

Now that I know the rest of the story, what I think I would do in your situation is let him know that you''re doing your best and trying to help him through these hard time. If and when he needs you, you''ll be there, but he shouldn''t scream at you. He may be grieving, but nobody deserves to get yelled at...

I hope things get better!! *big hugs*

BTW, I thought I should tell you I''ve been accepted to UdM. We might see each other around!

 

[diamondfan]

If I get what you are saying, what bothers you is that he cancelled on you at the last minute and made you feel basketball was more important. If he had not made plans with you to begin with, but said he was going out with buddies to play ball, would you be as upset? I think you would be bummed because of course you would like to hang with him and go out, but I think, if I get what you are getting at, is that the fact that he was so casual and dismissve of the plans with you that is getting you upset. I would tell him that if this is the case...clarify WHY you are upset and spell it out a bit.

As for his mood, it could be so many issues...work stuff, his uncle...hard to speculate. Again, I would just ask...Hey, you have been pretty tough this week, tougher than in our whole relationship. I do not want to assume anything. Is there something bothering you and can I help in any way? Just know I am here for you." that type of thing...then drop it. If it is continual and gets worse than you need to look at things, and see if that pattern, if it is permanent, is one you can live with.

My dh is AWFUL about keeping track of time. Even if it is just calling to say he is coming home and then he gets a fax or phone call on his way out of the office and two hours later has not left...it drives me BONKERS. I told him, I don''t care when you come home if you have stuff to do. As long as we have no plans, though I would like you to see the kids before they go to bed, I understand you are busy with stuff. I just hate that when I think he is on the way and he is not, I imagine he has been in an accident or robbed getting to his car in the garage at his office...he works late and downtown and who knows? I tell him I get freaked out about it and if I know he is still at work at least I do not have to spaz out. 16 years later he still does not do it all the time (call to tell me NO, he actually has not left yet)...so I tell him, you have to deal with my being wiggy about it...that is the consequence!

Good luck, and I am sure it will work out fine...

 

[ladykemma]

counterpoint: have you thought about it this way: maybe he didn''t want to come over and watch you study. woo hoo. what fun.

when you get married make sure you have your own interests, friends, and hobbies. because it will not be all candy and flowers and togetherness.

 

[allycat0303]

Diamondfan: No I wouldn''t be upset if he makes plans with his friends ahead of time. I don''t give a hoot. As I said he has 3-4 guys nights out a week. He plays in 3 icehockey leagues in winter and baseball, hockey, and football in the summer. And there''s poker night. Basically we see each other Saturday night and friday night....but most of those nights I''m studying, so for him to say " ok study today so we can spend time together" is actually a big deal. With finals coming, up we haven''t seen each other in about two weeks, except for the funeral and the wake, both of which were really bad experiences because he was so angry. I know of course, that the amount of time we spend together is more my fault then his, but GRRR this breaking dates things is just simple consideration and respect for me. I just wonder if I''m going to be able to change this habit before we get married. Or even how to go about it

Firegoddess: I drew a big radius last night. I didn''t answer my phone when he called last night, so he showed up at my house, totally apologizing nonstop. He says he knows he was wrong, and he owes me one. Which incidently made me even MADDER

because that just goes to show a) he does know he was wrong b) probably knew it from the start that it would hurt me and did it anyways. So whatever, I laid it down, told him I was here to listen if he wanted, but I''m not going to take any more yelling, belittling etc., I told him I wanted a few days to mull it over because it was getting a little too much. In any case, he left and I''m going to give him ALOT of space for a few weeks.

Anchor: Yes I will be seeing you. I have one more year at UdM before we start full time rotations (then I''ll be in the hospital everyday). We''re in the health science building where all the med people hang out. We''ve got to meet up for lunch sometime.

Thanks for all the advice ladies, you''re all terrific! I don''t know what I would do if you all weren''t here for the support.

Ladykemma: I think it has very little to do with whether or not I have hobbies and the fact that he called me half an hour after he was supposed to show up to say that he wasn''t. I could have a million and one hobbies and it would still hurt my feelings. And I''ve been with my boyfriend for 11 years (longer then many marriages). I think I know that it''s not going to be candy and flowers. But it was a lovely of you to phrase it in just that way.

 

[FireGoddess]

I absolutely think you did the right thing last night, and the right thing in backing away a little bit so he can get pissed about whatever it is on his own, and you don''t have to get all the fallout from it. At least he apologized, though little comfort I''m sure it was.

 

[diamondfan]

Often times things boil down to consideration and you want to know that the person keeps you in their thoughts and weighs your feelings in making choices. It is important to just say it, it is tough to let this stuff build and then have confrontations about it later...you have been together a long time and I am sure you have made your feelings known...just have to make sure he is getting it loud and clear!

 

[anchor31]

I''m glad to know he at least realised that he shouldn''t have done what he did. I really hope things work out!

Lunch sounds good.

I''m not sure what building I''ll be in, but I''m finishing my bio degree, so I should be close by.

 

[Mara]

diamond fan makes a great point, consideration.

if he would not treat his parents or his friends that way, then in no way is it acceptable for him to treat you that way. anyway i''m glad at least he understands he was wrong (even though yeah that''s even worse than him just being a dumbass clueless male!)...i would let him stew for a while on it, because you should not stand for it now or ever and if he wants to be with you forever then he has to learn that lesson, some things you just cannot compromise on. calling 30 minutes after you two had plans to say he is hanging with the boys would be one of those things for me!!

 

[Evie75]

Date: 5/9/2006 6:03:45 PM
Author: Starset
Going out after work without calling and letting me know.

I don''t need to know with who. I don''t need to know which bar. I need to know that you''re not coming straight home.

He gets off work at 8pm or anytime thereafter depending on the activities of the day. When it becomes 9:30.....10:00 and he''s not answering his cell phone, I get irritated. I know where he probably is and who he''s most likely with. It''s not an issue of trust whatsoever. It''s a decency and courtesy issue.

Especially since I''ve made it an issue in the past you''d think he''d never do it again. Granted it''s been a long time but he did it again last Friday. He was dropping off a friend at a bar. When he didn''t come straight back I figured he probably got suckered in to one or two so it''s no big deal. But when he finally comes to bed at 1:00am - all he''ll get from me is a ''thanks for calling %#$&*$!@^'' and a cold shoulder.

You''re right Ally - it''s hard not to take personally when they already know it upsets you.

great topic!! i thought i was the only one.

OMG DO WE HAVE THE SAME BF OR WHAT!! I Absolutely HATE when mine does this.. like you said, not that i care that he''s going out.. but why oh why do you have to either .. tell me at the very last second you are going (something that i totally cannot deal with, but i really try) or just go and tell me after the fact, and not bother calling me all night. untill midnight when he is in the car going home. then i think hmmm is he gonna do this when we''re married, sorry i think thats rude. like he''ll tell me the evening before oh yea by the way my company is having a party and im going... should that bother me? why couldnt he have told me sooner? AND when I bring this up to him. he gets mad and says "dont you trust me! i can do things on my own without you, i dont have to be up your butt"

yeah yeah i know that, that isnt the point.. im just asking for a little consideration damnit!! he just doesnt get it.. he''s been better though.. calling and tell me what he is doing.. thats all i ask

I think all men have this problem.. dont want to feel like they have to "answer" to anyone.

LOL sorry for the rant

and alley I would tell him how you feel.. its not right ESPECIALLY since he ASKED you to study early so you guys can do something, but tell him nicely

 

[allycat0303]

YUP that''s it, consideration and respect. He would NEVER do this to his friends, wouldn''t even think of it, because lets face it, it''s really rude. I think it''s one of those things that come with intimacy... that you feel that because the person loves you, and they know you better then anyone else, it''s some how more acceptable to dish out some poopy that you wouldn''t give to others.

I most absolutely am going to give him time to think of it. I want to be supportive, but I refuse to be a total doormat too.

Evie: No it''s all coming out of the woodwork know, I don''t think anyone is the only one dealing with this

. I mean there''s stuff you can accept. But when you''ve explained a million times, and he knows it bothers you but still does it. Grrr... time to put my paw down.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hey Ally - I wanted to say that I''m sorry you are going through this, and you are definitely not alone.

My FI and I, when we first started dating, had the same problem with not letting me know when he was going to be home, or keeping plans, or whatever, and eventually I was able to get through to him that it had to do with respect and the conscious decision to share your life with someone else which requires you to keep them updated/informed and treat them well. I wish I could give you more advice about that besides just being persistent.

I do think, however, that the being mean thing I might be able to give some additional insight. My FI has this problem too - when he is very upset, sad, stressed, whatever, he can sometimes get into a truly foul mood and has been known to take it out on me, which is really hard and hurtful for me. After many discussions and a lot of work over the last few years, we have both learned some important behaviors that help diffuse this situation. He has learned that if he is in a bad mood its NOT OK to take it out on me because its hurtful, but its TOTALLY OK to tell me he needs space or alone time, and so that''s what he does. I, in turn, have learned to recognize that its not about me, it doesn''t mean he doesn''t love me or doesn''t enjoy my company, and when he says he needs alone time, I give it to him right away, unconditionally, no questions asked. I don''t know if this would work for you guys and I recognize that every situation is different, but it has helped us immensely so I hope its helpful for you.

Best of luck and make sure to try to take some "you" time, even as you''re studying or stressed out - get some new clothes, a manicure, whatever helps you relax.