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dmamsquared

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 26, 2007
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101
Ok Girls, it''s time to weigh in. Mom (and/or Dad) is paying for the whole affair. They rationalize it as another year''s college tuition. They have their own expectations. You, of course, have yours. Do you try to accommodate their wishes? Or, do you fight them tooth and nail on every detail? Let''s not leave the groom out of the loop. He may have his own ideas. To whom does he communicate his visions? Should he even have a voice since he''s not the one footing the bill?

When I got married back in the Stone Ages, my man had to worry about getting fitted for a tux, that''s about it. He did not concern himself with little details. Of course, he was 600 miles away!

My daughter, who will be turning 26 this year announced to me that she was paying for her own wedding whenever that is. I know for sure it won''t be a big to-do because she''s so tight; she squeaks! I plan to hold her to her word, too. I think she was silly because I was willing to pay for anything that she wanted. Well almost anything. Hehehe
 

sumbride

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2006
Messages
3,867
You sound like a good mom! She may regret she said that.

I''ll be 30 on our wedding day so I was a little surprised when my parents said they would pay for everything. I expected some help but not the whole bill. My mom knows me well enough to know that I''m somewhat unconventional though, so she''s letting me lead the way. I really appreciate that she''s not one to fight me tooth and nail on stuff. That said, I am honoring some of her wishes, but I appreciate that I had the option. We decided to have it in my hometown, rather than the state FI and I live in. She said that was completely up to us, but she''s thrilled that she can now invite more people. We''re not setting a limit on people since she is paying for it. She can invite her whole address book if she wants, and she is. She carries a notebook everywhere in case she runs into somebody that wants to come. really. Many of these are people I knew growing up that I''ve lost touch with, so it''s actually kind of cool.

My FI DOES have his own opinions but luckily they''ve meshed pretty well with hers and mine. She was kind of bummed that we didn''t want ceremony musicians, but she got over it when we played the songs for her. She wanted us to have it in a church but was ok when we said outside and she found us a spot. We let her pick out some vendors for us to pick from and that''s made her feel involved, and made my life simpler too. She''s been a dream thus far!
 

larussel03

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 22, 2005
Messages
1,747
My parents are paying for most of the wedding, and so far we really haven''t clashed, and most details are hashed out.

The only thing that is annoying is my mom acts like she''s better than my FI''s mom since she and my dad are paying for most of the wedding, and she likes to take little digs at FMIL saying "I just have to say" or "I know you''ll be mad/don''t want to hear this" or brings up the way FMIL talks or dresses and following with something kind of rude/mean/snotty. Just jabs, basically, she''s not mad or anything at her.

I know it makes my mom feel better about herself to say these things, and my parents get along really well with FI''s parents so I''m not going to cause arguements that will make her feel resentful towards them...it would just fuel the fire (long story, it''s just how she is).

I don''t want to get going on a rant, b/c she''s really not that bad, so I''ll stop now.
 

dtnyc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
Messages
1,088
My parents paid for most of our wedding. We aren''t young, but we had a traditional church wedding, my husband was/is in grad school and we did not live together prior to marriage, so it was difficult if not impossible for us to save for a wedding on our own.

My parents had certain standards that they wanted for our wedding- they didn''t want it to be huge (we invited 189 and had 155,) church ceremony (which we wanted as well) seated dinner and per my mom band, no DJ and engraved invitations.

My parents gave us a budget and we had to work w/i that. My mom could have cared less about every other aspect of the wedding and I think she truly just wanted us to make decisions based on price. On one hand I think she wanted to make decisions, but she did no research and would just offer one suggestion in terms of a vendor. I ended up finding all of my vendors on my own and made sure she approved them.
 

firebirdgold

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
2,216
Despite how annoyed I get with my mother, I have to say that I''m very lucky. My parents are paying for everything even though I''m 34. Yet they really haven''t interfered much, they actually keep saying ''it''s your wedding, you should do want you want''!!
I really do know how lucky I am!

In fact I''ve really only had two problems with them. 1) They want to upgrade everything (oh woe is me!
). I know I shouldn''t complain that they want to spend money on me, but I actually have to fight them to keep things reasonable and low key. (they were not happy people when I was planning on buying a polyester dress, thank G. that I ended up with a silk one or I never would have heard the end of it!)

2) My mother is nuts. When I told her that we were going to have a nice local beer for the wedding dinner instead of wine, champagne, or cocktails, she freaked! I got a 10 minute tirade about how crass it is to get drunk at your wedding in front of your inlaws. Um, hello??
.... wait a sec, she has tried to interfere a lot now that I think about it, but I just ignore her.

We''re getting a package so she can''t nickpick items like the ceremony or the music.


oh geez, I''m reading my post and I sound like a spoiled rich kid!
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
My mother is very good to me and paid for our wedding. My DH and I were planning on paying for it ourselves, but she said no because I was her only child and she wanted to be traditional and pay for it. DH picked out our venue, which was amazing, and also came with different packages. I wanted the cheaper one, but she insisted on the BIG package (terrible, I know, lol). Other than that, she let us do whatever we wanted. The dress I decided on was also lower than what she expected my dress to be, so she might have saved some money overall. I secretly tried to cut costs wherever possible, but didn''t tell her because I didn''t want her to feel badly. My mother has never been married and doesn''t feel that she is very artistic, so she trusted DH and I to make decisions... plus she said it was our wedding so it was most important that we enjoyed it. Like I said, she''s an amazing mom.

*M*
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
My parents paid for our wedding, which was totally unexpected and extremely generous of them. In light of their generosity, my mom and I made sure they were involved in every decision from picking out the invites, which my mom actually did all on her own, to the four of us (dad, mom, DH and I) selecting the menu together. It was a collaborative process for the most part, but I had the final say (my DH didn''t care about details, he just asked that we keep it small and reasonably informal). I was not consumed with planning, in my mind it was a special day that signifies something awesome but the details we''re pretty unimportant to me. I just wanted to have good food, good music and a beautiful dress. I am the a-typical bride. so it made it easy on everyone.

If there had been conflicts I would have taken control of the financial aspect to put a stop to it, because planning a celebration wouldn''t be worth creating a rift in my family. I admire your daughter for being willing to pay for it so she can have things her way, especially if she''s concerned about conflicts arising. Too many adults have unreasonable expectations of their parents.
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
Years ago, 1990, my mom paid but she really was pretty much using that to push me around. I had a generous budget and mostly got what I wanted in the end, but she held the money over my head and I had a lot of stress over it. We butted heads more than once, and I had to finally just say, This is NOT your wedding. I appreciate your financial involvement and while I value your opinions, I know what I want and I would like this wedding to represent me and my fiance's wishes. She even booked the band without telling me, had me go and listen to them, and when I told her they were mediocre at best she announced she had already signed the contract and paid them. I could have fought it but decided not to, and when I listen to them on my video they STUNK so I was pretty upset, but it was too late to do anything and everyone danced and had fun so I guess it did not matter too much!

I think, no matter your age, if you are not paying, there is an assumption on the part of the person paying that they have more say or control. It helps to clarify these roles and things up front so as to avoid stress if possible. I think it just takes one more stress element out of the deal if you have that clear from the start. My hubby just basically was told to show up and be in his tux, but he ended up doing the seating because he knew who got along with who, and what worked in terms of tables...
 

galeteia

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 9, 2006
Messages
1,794
Date: 1/29/2007 3:45:45 PM
Author: dmamsquared
When all else fails, feed the folks premium liquor.
Hahaha!

(Wait, I read this as ''when all attempts to negotiate fail, booze your parents into an oblivious stupor, and then do what you need to do''. Was that right?)
 

dmamsquared

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 26, 2007
Messages
101
Yeh, you can try licquoring up your parents. I meant the folks at the reception listening to the crappy band. LOL. When one imbibes, the vibes sound better!
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
I guess if one was drunk enough they would have sounded less hideous...but not by much!
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2005
Messages
7,074

Date: 1/29/2007 3:45:45 PM
Author: dmamsquared
When all else fails, feed the folks premium liquor.
That''s
what FI was trying to do when he gave them that bottle for Christmas!


My parents promised to pay for half of the wedding. Everything that has to do with me and my girls (attire, flowers, accessories), our side of the guest list and half of the vendors fees. Their idea is that FI''s parents should do the same for FI so we can keep our money for our house project. My parents are helping my sister and I through college (they''re not paying for everything, but it''s more than enough to avoid student loans!), so I don''t think they could afford paying for the whole thing, which I''m doing my best to keep under 9k.

His parents... FI hasn''t talked to them yet, but since they haven''t given a penny to their kids sice they turned 18 (they''re even asking for money!
), I''m not expecting anything. I would much rather use the money for the house, but seems like we''re going to have to dish out the rest ourselves. FI has been putting most of his savings aside for the house, so I''ve put a sizeable amount from my own savings apart for the wedding. I have to admit that I particularly dislike the idea of spending this hard-earned money on his people (over 50% of the guest list!) because his parents won''t want to help, but I''ll get over it.


So... to answer the question, if my parents had offered to pay for the whole thing, I would have accepted.
 
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