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Baby shower for 2nd baby?

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vespergirl

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I have an etiquette question - are you supposed to have a baby shower if it''s your second baby?

I have a friend who is pregnant, and her older child is 2. I think that she is expecting for me to throw her a baby shower. I thought that it was in poor taste to have a shower if you already have a child, because the assumption is that you already have a crib, stroller, etc. However, when one of our other friends had a 2nd baby, this same pregnant friend threw her a shower, and when I asked her if that was normal, she said, "well, I wanted to throw her a shower anyway," so she did.

Anyway, I just wanted to ask for your feedback - have the rules changed about this? Do most people have showers for every baby now? Am I supposed to throw my friend a shower?

Thanks!
 

Blair138

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I believe that the proper thing to do is only have a shower for the first baby because, like you said, you already have the stroller, crib, etc.

Is this friend registering again? Maybe you could please her by having a luncheon in her honor...but personally, I think showers for a 2nd baby are in bad taste.
 

akmiss

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I have never really thought of baby showers in that way. But if you friend is expecting a party then maybe you should throw her one. No hurt feelings and everyone can have some fun. The new baby will definitely need some stuff too.
 

E B

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Date: 3/29/2009 10:11:52 PM
Author:vespergirl

Anyway, I just wanted to ask for your feedback - have the rules changed about this? Do most people have showers for every baby now? Am I supposed to throw my friend a shower?
Expecting a shower (for any reason) is tacky, IMO. That being said, I don't know much about baby shower etiquette. If she had her first child two years ago, a full baby shower seems a bit excessive. Have you heard of a "Sprinkle"? Apparently, it's like a Baby Shower Lite: less formal, and smaller gifts are given, like clothes and diapers. That might be an idea.
 

swingirl

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I think a baby shower for a second baby is a fine idea. Baby's only share so much and things wear out. They need their own car seat, clothes (different sex, born in a different season), diapers, bath supplies, etc. But most importantly the baby shower is not just about gifts, it's about women bonding over one of the most female experiences there is. It's such a fun experience for all female members of the family (grammas and aunts love these things) to get together and offer advice, pat a belly and share in the joy of a new baby due any day.
 

Haven

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I think it is in very poor taste to have a baby shower for a second baby.

I''ve been invited to one shower for a second, which was thrown for a woman who sent out pre-printed thank you cards two months after her wedding, and didn''t even bother to send out thank you cards for her bridal shower, or the first baby shower. Coincidence? I think not.

The "sprinkle" idea sounds like a sound compromise.
 

Haven

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Date: 3/29/2009 10:41:40 PM
Author: swingirl
I think a baby shower for a second baby is a fine idea. Baby''s only share so much and things wear out. They need their own car seat, clothes (different sex, born in a different season), diapers, bath supplies, etc. But most importantly the baby shower is not just about gifts, it''s about women bonding over one of the most female experiences there is. It''s such a fun experience for all female members of the family (grammas and aunts love these things) to get together and offer advice, pat a belly and share in the joy of a new baby due any day.
I agree that there is something very special about celebrating these moments in life. HOWEVER, I think that if Vesper''s friend is looking for the female bonding experience, it would be a misnomer to call it a "shower" since it means "shower the mom-to-be with gifts."

Perhaps a different sort of party is in order for baby #2, something along the lines of a tea party or luncheon where you ask guests to share their favorite baby stories, or lessons learned with #2, etc. To have a "shower" for a second child is still in poor taste, in my opinion. But I am all for a celebration of another sort that doesn''t revolve around showering the mom with gifts.
 

packrat

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We didn''t have one for our 2nd, but most people brought stuff when they came to visit us in the hospital. I think tho, that b/c our 1st was a girl, and 2nd was a boy, that''s part of the reason. I would''ve felt funny having a shower for our 2nd. Now, one of our patients is pg, and there''s like..17 years in between her last child and this one, so *that* to me would be a bit different!
 

rockin11

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I think that while maybe it is not mandatory to have a shower for any child after #1 I don''t think it is out of the question. I think it is fine to have a shower if there is a large gap between your last child(ex. my friend recently had #2 and her oldest is 9) so she had the large shower. If there is not a large gap between kids..like in your friends case..then I think it would be fun to have a simple scaled down affair..not so shower-ish in feel. (maybe just invite VERY close fam. and friends..or just super close friends) I am sure your friend is excited about the upcoming birth and maybe just wants to celebrate and share it with everyone. IMO you should not feel obligated nor should she expect you to host something. It should be your decision. I do not know how close y''all are but I have a handful of friends that I will host something for no matter what # child they are expecting(but I love to host). HTH
here are some ideas..
maybe a book themed get together where everyone brings their fav. children''s book(and tell why that book is special to them)
get together and everyone make a scrapbook page for the baby book
diaper themed
stuffed animal themed
spa "
pamper mommy..bring mommy stuff for her
brunch
couples get together(maybe have a desert party)
stock the freezer/or feed the family..have people bring dishes ready to freeze or gift cards for food..or have a sign up sheet where people can sign up for a day to bring dinner(I''m sure this is helpful to mom..especially with multiple children)
 

sunkist

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I mostly see baby showers for "non-first" children when the couple is having a baby of the opposite sex of the previoius children. Say a woman has 2 girls and is finally having a boy. Then it''s fun to shower her with cute boys things since all she has is girl stuff.
 

oobiecoo

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I think a second shower is acceptable if it has been several years since the 1st child was born or if the second baby is maybe a different gender. Maybe if the baby has special needs or is the child of a new marriage/relationship. Expecting a shower is always tacky though, IMO.
 

swingirl

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I guess it depends on your social circle, family tradition and years between babies. My family insisted on a second baby shower for me and was thrilled to give little boy outfits and blue linens. All my female relatives already had their children years ago and loved the idea of shopping for baby items. Of course, I didn''t get any big items like a crib or stroller but it was very nice to receive fresh new blue things for the baby. And my shower was at an SIL''s house with about 10 friends and relatives.
 

pennquaker09

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I''m used to people having a shower for each kid. I don''t know maybe the people I know are weird?

I''m having a lunch/shower for my SIL this week. She''s having her second child, a girl. The main reason why I wanted to have a shower for her is because I truly view her as a sister and she has helped me with Gray and Savannah so much. I don''t know if I mentioned it, but my stepmom had a girl last September. It''ll be years before Teagan has a baby, lol.
 

pennquaker09

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And yes, expecting a shower is extremely tacky.
 

appletini

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For one of my friends, her first was a boy and her second was a girl. So we had a "sprinkle" for her and the inviation just said to bring something pink. It was a casual dinner (casserole, salad) on a Thursday night. Perfect for a second baby when you still want to do something nice for your friend.
 

neatfreak

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I do think it's tacky to **expect** a shower, and IMO especially for a second baby.

But the "sprinkle" idea or a lovely luncheon to celebrate the mom to be? Totally fine. I just think it's tacky to have a second shower. Just gets to be too much.

These days it seems like people throw showers/Jack and Jills/whatever just to gift grab at every possible occasion.

But if I were you and she was a good friend I would organize a nice lunch or something informal, but don't call it a shower.

ETA: And I love shopping for gifts for new moms, even for a second baby, as long as they don't **expect** me to. So I always bring a gift when the baby is born personally.
 

Tacori E-ring

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What we do in our group of friends is all go out to dinner for a girls night. We do give gifts but I give gifts when babies are born (no matter what the birth order). I will say I with the first baby I usually give two gifts. One at the shower and one after the birth. With the second I only give one and something smaller (like flowers) after the birth. I love giving gifts though so I never really felt anything but excited to shop for another baby
 

fisherofmengirly

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My group does showers for the first and just casual presents for the children following. Unless there is a big age gap (although that hasn''t happened with my friends, but has with family) or there is a boy born and the family only has girls, etc.

My brother and I are 7 years apart and my mom had a shower for each of us. She didn''t ask for either, though!

I like the idea of a "Sprinkle." It''s a cute term that I''d not heard of for baby showers before, but it seems fitting in this case.

I also agree with the other posters that you shouldn''t be made to feel like you *have* to host this party, however. I think lots of times friends just assume things, but if it''s not something you want to put on your plate, maybe see if a group of friends wants to get together to do it? Or if you think it''s tacky, just bow out.
 

monarch64

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Date: 3/30/2009 9:09:36 AM
Author: Tacori E-ring
What we do in our group of friends is all go out to dinner for a girls night. We do give gifts but I give gifts when babies are born (no matter what the birth order). I will say I with the first baby I usually give two gifts. One at the shower and one after the birth. With the second I only give one and something smaller (like flowers) after the birth. I love giving gifts though so I never really felt anything but excited to shop for another baby
That''s an excellent idea!

My best friend did not "expect" a 2nd shower, but she went so far as to set up a registry just in case people asked if she needed anything (she had a girl the first time and was pg with a boy this time). I did tell her that I thought it seemed a little inappropriate, but she said it helped her get organized.
In defense of that, she did move back to IN from NJ and her former mom''s group wanted to buy some things for her but knew they''d have to order online and ship anyway, so it turned out to be convenient for them at least.

She actually started all over with nursery furniture, etc...they had gotten a super cheap crib with the first that ended up being recalled, and had to leave a couple of pieces behind when they moved. There really are some circumstances that can make another shower seem necessary. I definitely think it''s not cool for a mother to just expect that she''ll be given a shower, but if friends/family see an actual need for one, then by all means, throw a shower (or sprinkle--that''s a cute term for it!)
 

Italiahaircolor

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I''ve always heard that you only host one shower one time for an impending mother.

You shower her with all the things a baby will need...like the big stuff that can financially crimp a family. The interchangable stuff, like clothing, is cute--but it changes daily, and it''s a requirement of being a parent. So, in my openion, just because you''re having a second child doesn''t mean you get everything all over again. I think most parents keep their big expensive stuff likes cribs which often morph into baby beds.

I always bring a gift after the baby is born...but if I were invited to a 2nd baby shower, I''d definately decline the invite.

Vesper, don''t feel like you need to throw the shower, and don''t be bullied into it either. If you believe in one shower only, then you should really tell her that. It''ll give her the option to ask another friend, or buy the things she needs herself. If you''re throwing a shower out of obligation, you won''t have fun and your feelings will shine through that. Only host it if you''re totally into it.
 

DivaDiamond007

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On DH''s side of the family you get one baby shower no matter how many children you have, no matter if you have a boy and a girl or if you have five children each ten years apart.

One shower has historically been the rule on my side of the family as well, however, my cousin has three kids (with three different guys) and has had three showers. Went to the first, not the second, and got her a pack of diapers and wipes for the third.

I think it depends on the mother''s situation. If you have one baby and then have another many years later then I think a shower is okay. But if you have a baby and then another, even if it''s the opposite sex, then I think having more than one shower is tacky. I agree that a sprinkle is a good compromise.
 

vespergirl

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Hey guys, thanks so much for your feedback. Our situation is a little weird, because we all met in a playgroup when our first babies were around 6 months old, so we didn''t know each other when we were pregnant with our first babies. So, when the one got pregnant with her second when her older child was only a year old, with a baby of the same sex, I was really surprised that the other friend threw her a shower. When I told her I thought it was inappropriate, she said that she wanted to throw her a shower since we didn''t "shower" each other for the first babies - however, most of the people who had attended had been to her first shower the year before. I did go & bring a gift, because I didn''t want to be the only one not attending, but I still felt like it was tacky.

Now that the one who threw the second shower is pregnant, I know that she obviously doesn''t have a problem with the custom, so she will be expecting a shower. Maybe if she has an opposite sex baby (she doesn''t know yet) I will throw a "sprinkle" (that''s a nice compromise idea) but I hate the idea of throwing a big party with baby gifts for a person with a toddler - she already has everything they need.

What I am actually hoping is that the friend who she threw the second shower for will offer to throw her a second shower - that would be the perfect solution.

I totally agree with doing a shower for a second child that''s many years behind the first. I just see these women who are having babies only a year or two apart, and it''s like, don''t you already have everything? My son is 2 1/2, and we are trying to get pregnant now, but even if I got pregnant with a girl, I still wouldn''t want a shower. All my big things I got in neutral greens (stroller, highchair, etc.), so when I shopped, I bought things that could be used for babies of either sex.

Things are just so different these days. I have been married twice, and for my first wedding, my family threw a huge shower and wedding & paid for everything, but for my second wedding, it was understood that we were on our own, and I was totally fine with that. However, all my friends and everyone at work was shocked and appalled that I didn''t want a shower or big wedding, and they couldn''t believe that I didn''t even register. Some people got me gifts anyway, but I felt it would be tacky to register when some people had bought me big gifts already some years before. My best friend has been married 3 times, and for each wedding she did a big shower and wedding. Thank goodness I didn''t meet her until after her 2nd divorce, because I don''t know if I could have summoned the enthusiasm to lavishly shower her 3 times in 10 years


Maybe that''s kind of an old-fashioned viewpoint, I don''t know. Of course I still will give a gift and congratulate my friends, but I guess I just feel that "the first time" is the big deal, and it would be more tasteful to have a more low-key attitude the second or third time around.
 

tiffanytwisted

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Date: 3/30/2009 10:29:26 AM
Author: vespergirl
Hey guys, thanks so much for your feedback. Our situation is a little weird, because we all met in a playgroup when our first babies were around 6 months old, so we didn''t know each other when we were pregnant with our first babies. So, when the one got pregnant with her second when her older child was only a year old, with a baby of the same sex, I was really surprised that the other friend threw her a shower. When I told her I thought it was inappropriate, she said that she wanted to throw her a shower since we didn''t ''shower'' each other for the first babies - however, most of the people who had attended had been to her first shower the year before. I did go & bring a gift, because I didn''t want to be the only one not attending, but I still felt like it was tacky.

Now that the one who threw the second shower is pregnant, I know that she obviously doesn''t have a problem with the custom, so she will be expecting a shower. Maybe if she has an opposite sex baby (she doesn''t know yet) I will throw a ''sprinkle'' (that''s a nice compromise idea) but I hate the idea of throwing a big party with baby gifts for a person with a toddler - she already has everything they need.

What I am actually hoping is that the friend who she threw the second shower for will offer to throw her a second shower - that would be the perfect solution.

I totally agree with doing a shower for a second child that''s many years behind the first. I just see these women who are having babies only a year or two apart, and it''s like, don''t you already have everything? My son is 2 1/2, and we are trying to get pregnant now, but even if I got pregnant with a girl, I still wouldn''t want a shower. All my big things I got in neutral greens (stroller, highchair, etc.), so when I shopped, I bought things that could be used for babies of either sex.

Things are just so different these days. I have been married twice, and for my first wedding, my family threw a huge shower and wedding & paid for everything, but for my second wedding, it was understood that we were on our own, and I was totally fine with that. However, all my friends and everyone at work was shocked and appalled that I didn''t want a shower or big wedding, and they couldn''t believe that I didn''t even register. Some people got me gifts anyway, but I felt it would be tacky to register when some people had bought me big gifts already some years before. My best friend has been married 3 times, and for each wedding she did a big shower and wedding. Thank goodness I didn''t meet her until after her 2nd divorce, because I don''t know if I could have summoned the enthusiasm to lavishly shower her 3 times in 10 years


Maybe that''s kind of an old-fashioned viewpoint, I don''t know. Of course I still will give a gift and congratulate my friends, but I guess I just feel that ''the first time'' is the big deal, and it would be more tasteful to have a more low-key attitude the second or third time around.
That is exactly what I was going to suggest.
I too always thought a shower was only for the first, except in some situations (many years between children, etc.)
 

LaraOnline

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One of my best girlfriends offered to throw me a shower for this baby coming now, knowing I had never had a shower, for either of my other two children.

I decided that perhaps it would be better to have a little ''meet the baby'' party shortly after the delivery, with all my best girlfriends and a few cream cakes!

Yay for girlfriends! I was very touched by this out-of-the-blue offer!
 

swingirl

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I don''t think this is a question of etiquette at all because baby showers are personal and every situation is unique. The real problem is this woman is greedy for gifts. No one should expect a friend from a playgroup to throw them a shower. Your relationship with this group of women is too casual for party hosting. So in this case I wouldn''t do a thing. A congratulations card and a bib once the baby is born should suffice.
 

Tacori E-ring

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Monnie, just to be fair I WILL register for the few items I will need for my second child. Not b/c I expect anyone to get them for me but like a wedding registry you get a completion discount.
I doubt I will tell anyone about it but obviously people could find it if they did a search.
 

fieryred33143

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Lol @ completion coupon! I want to register for everything just to get the coupon but I’m going to wait until after the shower.


I honestly never pay attention to the details like this unless something strikes me as being tacky. For example, my friend told me she was going to have a shower for her second baby. I didn’t think twice about it. She had a full registry with everything again because she had a boy and this time was having a girl. Again, didn’t think twice. What did make me do a double take and think “ok that’s tacky” was that the baby shower was in a restaurant where guests were expected to pay $35 per person. When I received the invite, that’s the piece that made me feel like it was inappropriate especially with this being her second child.


My boss is going on baby #3 and his wife registered for a bunch of stuff. I’m hosting a work shower for him.
 

steph72276

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I don''t think a second baby shower would be in poor taste....I feel like every baby should be celebrated! I def. won''t expect one, but it would be very generous and nice if I do have one with our second child. Our children will be at least 5 years apart at this point, and I have already given away his crib/stroller/carseats to charity because they were just taking up space before we were ready to have another baby.
 

Elmorton

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Date: 3/30/2009 6:35:26 PM
Author: steph72276
I don''t think a second baby shower would be in poor taste....I feel like every baby should be celebrated! I def. won''t expect one, but it would be very generous and nice if I do have one with our second child. Our children will be at least 5 years apart at this point, and I have already given away his crib/stroller/carseats to charity because they were just taking up space before we were ready to have another baby.
I kinda agree with Steph on this one. A friend of mine was in the same situation lately, and she was p*ss''d at the audacity that she was being asked to go to yet another shower (my friend is single and her pal married young, so this will be shower #3 that said friend has attended - much like the shower situation were Carrie gets her shoes stolen on SATC) - and I totally see my friend''s point, esp since the baby is of the same sex and only two or three years apart, so they should have enough stuff at this point. But if a couple struggles financially and really needs some additional supplies, the children are far apart in age, different sexes, etc, I can see the "need" for a second shower.

I suppose it''s akin to an older couple getting married, a second marriage, or if a couple has been co-habitating for awhile and already has all new items for a house - having a shower when a person doesn''t really need one seems uneccessary, like the people are hitting up their friends for gifts - BUT in all of those cases, a celebration is still warranted - it''s just the gifts that aren''t.

I think a shower that really just means "pre-celebration" is a wonderful idea, and there are plenty of gift-giving ideas that would be smaller and appropriate, and nonetheless special. Maybe the gift is everyone brings $20 and puts it into an educational bond for the child, or maybe everyone brings a copy of their favorite children''s book, or maybe it''s a scrapbooking party where everyone makes a pre-set page of a baby book or something. Or, maybe the shower gift is a certificate to a spa/baby sitting for the mommy. Maybe there aren''t gifts at all - just cake a guestbook or something.

All that said, the situation the OP described does sound a little tacky.
 

MichelleCarmen

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No, with a second child there shouldn't be a baby shower, especially when the pregnancy is so close after the first. The mom should be saving all the baby gear from the first child and using it for the second.

A great gift that you all could spring for IF you decided to give her a nice present would be a double stroller. And, I mean as a *gift* not a shower!
 
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