Baby shower etiquette: Opinions please!

[Circe]

Huh - I never knew you weren't supposed to throw your own shower. I didn't have one - the same superstition Haven mentioned - but it actually seems like a weird inversion of manners to me. All or nothing, sort of - either you have really great friends who will throw you a party, AND THEN show up and fete you and bring gifts, or you get nothing. Bunch of casual acquaintances, but you'd still like to celebrate? Sucks to be you!

At any rate. Even given my gut reaction, as she is not EVEN throwing herself a party, that is just weird and rude. Follow your instincts.

 

[JewelFreak]

She's in school, he's un-employed, and for the last few months, she had been talking about leaving him when she graduates... I was thinking "Why are you still having sex with someone you loathe?"

Somebody should've sent the condoms earlier.

 

[Tuckins1]

Yeah, so I've just gotten some news that just makes me want to wash my hands of these people all together... The husband was recently laid off and is on unemployment. My husband asked some of his relatives if their employers were hiring. He found a job that our friend could do with his limited education (GED), and zero skill set in this area. When DH told him, he said "Well, I'm on unemployment now, and if I take a job, i'll lose that money ($1300 per month!), and I won't be making that much more..." Unbelievable!! This family is living on $1300 per month, they have ZERO money to buy things for this upcoming baby, and he is happy to just sit back and be a lazy, shiftless layabout! Now I am paying for him to CHOOSE to sit on his @s$ and do nothing, while there are plenty of unemployed people who would JUMP at the chance to have any job! What a freaking loser! DH and I are so done with them, it makes me sad for the children, but I can't save them from themselves anymore. GRRRRR!

ETA- Not to mention that this job would give them health insurance benefits! They are on medicaid right now!!!!

 

[justginger]

These people are perhaps some of the most tacky, infuriating people I have heard of in some time. I am sorry you have to deal with them, Tuckins, as it is not an easy situation to navigate. I would be uncomfortable around a couple like that and would choose to start distancing myself now (which is sounds like you will be doing).

 

[aviastar]

Wowza. Tacky shower etiquette is just the beginning, huh? I don't think I could be friends with these people, either.

 

[JewelFreak]

Great example to set for your kids -- and I doubt it will change by the time they're old enough to soak it up. Shameful. I doubt you'll enjoy spending time with them much more, Tuckins. You tried!

--- Laurie

 

[amc80]

Think of it as a blessing. Now you no longer have to worry about what to get her for her non-shower.

 

[Tuckins1]

Think of it as a blessing. Now you no longer have to worry about what to get her for her non-shower.

Lol, you got that right!

 

[minousbijoux]

Wow, I don't even know where to start. How do things get so twisted that they aren't taught basic self respect growing up? I feel bad for her, because she obviously did not have good role models. Her family of origin is not her fault, but now she should be stepping up and learning. Sad.

 

[partgypsy]

Wow. Well, good luck to them. I don't understand how all these events have become such a gift grab. I had a really nice shower for my first child. I wasn't intending on having a second child, and had actually gotten rid of a lot of stuff when we changed out mind and had our second. I actually did have a second shower that my coworkers (and friends threw) but I didn't want to do a registry, so they chipped in on a handmade baby quilt I really admired. I still had the crib in the attic, most of the rest of the stuff including clothes I was able to find second hand. Other than a couple things, like the crib and the car seat, most things can be found second hand. She really shouldn't have any expectation of other people buying new things for her 2nd kid, when most other people, including middle class people like me don't do that.

So, if you change your mind and do want to be there for her in some way, when the time is closer to the actual birth, maybe take her around to a couple of these 2nd hand, consignment shops where she can pick up some necessities. There may be additional services for expectant moms in her situation out there as well. That's what I would do.

 

[04diamond<3]

Yeah, so I've just gotten some news that just makes me want to wash my hands of these people all together... The husband was recently laid off and is on unemployment. My husband asked some of his relatives if their employers were hiring. He found a job that our friend could do with his limited education (GED), and zero skill set in this area. When DH told him, he said "Well, I'm on unemployment now, and if I take a job, i'll lose that money ($1300 per month!), and I won't be making that much more..." Unbelievable!! This family is living on $1300 per month, they have ZERO money to buy things for this upcoming baby, and he is happy to just sit back and be a lazy, shiftless layabout! Now I am paying for him to CHOOSE to sit on his @s$ and do nothing, while there are plenty of unemployed people who would JUMP at the chance to have any job! What a freaking loser! DH and I are so done with them, it makes me sad for the children, but I can't save them from themselves anymore. GRRRRR!

ETA- Not to mention that this job would give them health insurance benefits! They are on medicaid right now!!!!

Have to first say that KENNY - You crack me up!!!!

Tuckins, these people sound like total TARDS!!! Tell them if they need help to head to a shelter or something. This is beyond your control and clearly these people don't have respect for their friends or the lives their bringing into this world. Makes me sad for their kids too, but what can you do? What the crap is she going to do after she leaves him??? He won't have his $1300 a month! LOL. I'm sorry, this is just pathetic. But if I were you, yes, I'd get on the phone with them (if they have one) and be like "WTF????". Maybe not in that language, but maybe try to understand what in the world is wrong with these people. He could at least take the job while he's looking somewhere else especially if it pays even a bit better than what he currently has! And THANK YOU guys for it! You didn't have to check around for his tard a$$ but you did....I'd seriously ask them what's wrong with them and suggest they put their child up for adoption because they are NOT fit to be parents.

 

[luckyerialc]

I'm just echoing everyone else's sentiments but this is certainly rude behavior on her part! I like to think it's because she doesn't know better but stilll... Have any of your mutual friends expressed concern as well?

 

[minousbijoux]

Well I for one will stay tuned to hear back on what she actually ends up with from people - whether they grudgingly get her what she wants, or if she ends up with a lot of socks and booties, because its the cheapest thing to provide and say you gave a gift. Of course, even if that happens, she'll probably whine about that too - how selfish others are, lol!

 

[April20]

If I'm buying a gift, I want some cake!

 

[texaskj]

I'll go kenny one better and tell her that you're taking up a collection for her to have her tubes tied.
Being poor is no excuse for being rude.

 

[Tuckins1]

Wow. Well, good luck to them. I don't understand how all these events have become such a gift grab. I had a really nice shower for my first child. I wasn't intending on having a second child, and had actually gotten rid of a lot of stuff when we changed out mind and had our second. I actually did have a second shower that my coworkers (and friends threw) but I didn't want to do a registry, so they chipped in on a handmade baby quilt I really admired. I still had the crib in the attic, most of the rest of the stuff including clothes I was able to find second hand. Other than a couple things, like the crib and the car seat, most things can be found second hand. She really shouldn't have any expectation of other people buying new things for her 2nd kid, when most other people, including middle class people like me don't do that.

So, if you change your mind and do want to be there for her in some way, when the time is closer to the actual birth, maybe take her around to a couple of these 2nd hand, consignment shops where she can pick up some necessities. There may be additional services for expectant moms in her situation out there as well. That's what I would do.

So, this is actually her third child. She has a 14 year old....

 

[Tuckins1]

I'm just echoing everyone else's sentiments but this is certainly rude behavior on her part! I like to think it's because she doesn't know better but stilll... Have any of your mutual friends expressed concern as well?

We don't have mutual friends... The rest of her friends are not people that I would choose to be friends with, either. She actually married one of my long time friends and that is how I know her. Although, it's getting to the point that I don't want to really know him, either.

 

[Missy]

Hi Tuckins, I am appalled at this behavior and sorry you are dealing with her. Personally, I wouldn't continue a relationship with her just because like in the song The Lady is a Tramp I don't bother with people I hate...Not to make light of this because it really is sad but life is too short to deal with bad behavior IMO if you do not have to. Things you can control vs things you cannot if you kwim.

Hope you get free of this soon and can focus energy on friends who are nicer instead of wasting precious time and energy on people who are not appreciative and do not reciprocate. (((HUGS)))

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Here's the thing, you know exactly what will happen if you keep these kinds of people in your life. You will give and they will take, take, take. Better to cut your losses now. I totally agree that it was rude to ask for gifts and not consider having a shower (where I'm from, we give one shower per woman, not one shower per baby), but the thing that turned me off to this family is the husband dismissing your husbands job offer because he will make slightly more on unemployment. Time to get rid of the bad people because in a year from now when they have a new baby and no daycare, they'll be hunting you down for help with childcare and diapers. Nope, time to be done.

 

[Dreamer_D]

My advice on baby shower etiquette -- don't use too much soap! Nekkid babies are slippery.

Nyuk nyuk.

 

[Tuckins1]

My advice on baby shower etiquette -- don't use too much soap! Nekkid babies are slippery.

Nyuk nyuk.

Lol! My son always wants me to pick him up in the shower when he's all soapy, and I'm always so afraid he's gonna slip right out of my arms!

 

[violet3]

Not much I can say that hasn't already been said - completely agree with the advice you've gotten here. Just a quick idea, in the event that you really would like to give to the BABY but not remain friends with the parents:

I have bought (in similar situations) a bond for the baby in his/her name that will mature years from now and can be put toward the baby's college fund.

 

[violet3]

Yeah, so I've just gotten some news that just makes me want to wash my hands of these people all together... The husband was recently laid off and is on unemployment. My husband asked some of his relatives if their employers were hiring. He found a job that our friend could do with his limited education (GED), and zero skill set in this area. When DH told him, he said "Well, I'm on unemployment now, and if I take a job, i'll lose that money ($1300 per month!), and I won't be making that much more..." Unbelievable!! This family is living on $1300 per month, they have ZERO money to buy things for this upcoming baby, and he is happy to just sit back and be a lazy, shiftless layabout! Now I am paying for him to CHOOSE to sit on his @s$ and do nothing, while there are plenty of unemployed people who would JUMP at the chance to have any job! What a freaking loser! DH and I are so done with them, it makes me sad for the children, but I can't save them from themselves anymore. GRRRRR!

ETA- Not to mention that this job would give them health insurance benefits! They are on medicaid right now!!!!

Have to first say that KENNY - You crack me up!!!!

Tuckins, these people sound like total TARDS!!! Tell them if they need help to head to a shelter or something. This is beyond your control and clearly these people don't have respect for their friends or the lives their bringing into this world. Makes me sad for their kids too, but what can you do? What the crap is she going to do after she leaves him??? He won't have his $1300 a month! LOL. I'm sorry, this is just pathetic. But if I were you, yes, I'd get on the phone with them (if they have one) and be like "WTF????". Maybe not in that language, but maybe try to understand what in the world is wrong with these people. He could at least take the job while he's looking somewhere else especially if it pays even a bit better than what he currently has! And THANK YOU guys for it! You didn't have to check around for his tard a$$ but you did....I'd seriously ask them what's wrong with them and suggest they put their child up for adoption because they are NOT fit to be parents.

I almost never say anything on people's use of language or opinion on here and I don't like to netnanny people. But I do, honestly, find the above (underlined and bolded) word extremely offensive on so many levels. I am sure you are a lovely person, and I am not attacking you in any way. However, I would like to point out that shortening the word doesn't mean we/I don't know what the whole word is originally. I realize it's slang at this point, but knowing many people who work with special needs/education children has made me come to despise any derivation of this word. sorry for any offense.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I am so glad you posted about use of the word TARD. I was debating whether I should do it, so I'm glad you did it.


This is far more offensive than a woman who doesn't believe that she's asking for a shower, but thinks, as I would as well, that folks give gifts for new babies. Her mistake is using a gift registry. Whose dumb idea is a baby gift registry. Yes, Yes, I know I'm way behind the times. I do not see this womans offense as worthy of all this criticism. Bad manners thats all.

But Tard?????

Annette

 

[princesss]

Hi,

I am so glad you posted about use of the word TARD. I was debating whether I should do it, so I'm glad you did it.

Agreed. Thank you, violet3.

 

[canuk-gal]

Hi,

I am so glad you posted about use of the word TARD. I was debating whether I should do it, so I'm glad you did it.

Agreed. Thank you, violet3.

I ususally don't pile on, but ++. whoa..

 

[04diamond<3]

Hi,

I am so glad you posted about use of the word TARD. I was debating whether I should do it, so I'm glad you did it.

Agreed. Thank you, violet3.

I ususally don't pile on, but ++. whoa..

excuse the "TARD" replace with dork. I wasn't trying to offend anyone.

 

[Tuckins1]

Hi,

I am so glad you posted about use of the word TARD. I was debating whether I should do it, so I'm glad you did it.

Agreed. Thank you, violet3.

I ususally don't pile on, but ++. whoa..

excuse the "TARD" replace with dork. I wasn't trying to offend anyone.

Oddly enough, I am a special ed teacher, and this remark didn't offend me at all. I guess I never have been one to be offended by words, especially when the meaning of the word is not connected to the original meaning... Maybe I SHOULD be more sensitive, but i'm not.

 

[04diamond<3]

Hi,

I am so glad you posted about use of the word TARD. I was debating whether I should do it, so I'm glad you did it.

Agreed. Thank you, violet3.

I ususally don't pile on, but ++. whoa..

excuse the "TARD" replace with dork. I wasn't trying to offend anyone.

Oddly enough, I am a special ed teacher, and this remark didn't offend me at all. I guess I never have been one to be offended by words, especially when the meaning of the word is not connected to the original meaning... Maybe I SHOULD be more sensitive, but i'm not.

That's funny because I didn't think much of it either and my mom was a special ed teacher for 40 years and I'd go to work with her on my days off from school. I can see how others can find it offensive and I guess on such a big forum I should be more careful...

 

[Snowy]

We went to a friend's baby shower and they had invited a ton of people and coworkers. We enjoyed finger food and then waited for the baby shower games. Over two hours went by and people had nothing to do but watch tv. So we said okay, no games I guess. So then we waited for her to open the massive pile of gifts. Then another hour went by before people realized that the only thing they had scheduled was for us to drop off gifts and grab some chips and dip. Everyone left once they realized there would be nothing else.

We weren't the happiest since we had taken off work to come to what we thought would be a regular baby shower and do something else but watch tv but even that's preferable over not having one at all. I'm pretty surprised to see someone have the nerve to expect gifts if they don't throw a gathering together. If they set up a registry so people close to them know what to get them that's fine. But to expect all these people to buy them stuff is weird and I believe in bad taste.