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Baby shower etiquette: Opinions please!

Tuckins1

Tuckins1

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 13, 2008
Messages
8,614
A friend of mine recently found out she is pregnant. She is not planning on having a shower (even though her last baby was 5 years ago and she has almost nothing left...). She has sent a "needs" list to people, basically just asking them to buy her things. Do you think this is acceptable etiquette? I always felt that you can't ask people to buy you things (close friends and family excluded) unless you at least have some sort of get together. What are your thoughts on this? Would you do this? Would you buy things for her?

ETA- She only *just* found out she is pregnant, she isn't due until August. She is asking for everything now because she graduates from school in the spring and doesn't want to have to deal with it then... Thoughts?
 
I would never do that; I honestly think it is poor manners to ask for gifts. Did people ask for a list? How do you feel about it? I guess it depends on how close I am to this person. If it was an acquaintance and the gifts she was asking for weren't over the top then I might buy some, or I might deviate from the list and get her diapers. If I didn't like her I would not send anything as this isn't her 1st shower and sometimes people feel entitled.

eta: I did sit next to a pregnant lady when I was pregnant and we got to chatting and she was telling me that it was her 3rd baby and that she was having a shower on the weekend. I was kind of surprised but maybe some people don't know better? or maybe it is the norm within their social circle?
 
Tuckins1|1358893793|3361968 said:
A friend of mine recently found out she is pregnant. She is not planning on having a shower (even though her last baby was 5 years ago and she has almost nothing left...). She has sent a "needs" list to people, basically just asking them to buy her things. Do you think this is acceptable etiquette? I always felt that you can't ask people to buy you things (close friends and family excluded) unless you at least have some sort of get together. What are your thoughts on this? Would you do this? Would you buy things for her?

ETA- She only *just* found out she is pregnant, she isn't due until August. She is asking for everything now because she graduates from school in the spring and doesn't want to have to deal with it then... Thoughts?
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SO MUCH TACKY I CAN'T EVEN.
 
Skippy|1358894073|3361970 said:
I would never do that; I honestly think it is poor manners to ask for gifts. Did people ask for a list? How do you feel about it? I guess it depends on how close I am to this person. If it was an acquaintance and the gifts she was asking for weren't over the top then I might buy some, or I might deviate from the list and get her diapers. If I didn't like her I would not send anything as this isn't her 1st shower and sometimes people feel entitled.

eta: I did sit next to a pregnant lady when I was pregnant and we got to chatting and she was telling me that it was her 3rd baby and that she was having a shower on the weekend. I was kind of surprised but maybe some people don't know better? or maybe it is the norm within their social circle?
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No, nobody asked. She found out, and maybe two days later she created registries. At first, she had 3 registries with exactly the same stuff on each one... I asked her how people were supposed to know what she got and she told me she just wanted people to feel comfortable shopping. I didn't even address the poor manners, I don't want to hurt her feelings. She said she'll probably have a little diaper/ tea party closer to her due date. But, the things that are on her "needs" list are the big things: car seat, stroller, swing, bouncer, excersaucer, etc...If you're going to have a party later, then why put out a list and ask for everything ahead of time? It actually offends me a little bit. I will buy them something, but I will not give it to them until they have a party, or when the baby is born/ just before it is born. I actually told her to have another shower, since she doesn't have anything (this was an "oops" baby). She is a good friend of mine, and I would buy her whatever she needed if I was able. Just how she is going about things rubs me the wrong way. And the fact that she doesn't see it is more irritating.
 
I agree with Skippy that I think it's rude to send people a list of things she wants them to purchase, but doesn't want a shower. I get not wanting to deal with a shower, but then don't ask for gifts. It's one thing if someone asks you what you want/need and you mention a few things (in varying prices ranges), it's quite another to do what she did.

I would assume that you'd be getting her a gift anyway? If that's the case, and there's something on her list that you feel comfortable buying, I'd do that. If not (i.e. her list is only for the large ticket items...crib, stroller, etc.), I'd get her a gift that you're comfortable giving her....you could be really practical and give her packages of diapers (we all know how fast you go through those!) or something else she'll probably need (and that list is endless, lol)....

ETA: Tuckins, you posted while I was typing my response, so scratch what I said and just read this....YES, TACKY!
 
wow, and no party? sorry I missed that part. Gosh, I am at a loss for words, actually. :eek: :eek:
 
She's asking for gifts without wanting to get together with friends and family to celebrate - that's pretty rude. I'd probably get something useful, cute, whatever, but not something from the list of requested items. If you're not that close to her, you could just send a card when the baby's born. ETA: I just read your second post. Even if you're close to her, if I was you, I'd be tempted to just send a card or do something very small.

Now, I can see if I was talking with my mom or someone equally close and I said in the middle of a conversation, "oh, I need this, this, and that..." and she told others, it could misinterpreted, even though that wouldn't have been my intention. In my hypothetical scenario, I might have just been thinking out loud about what I need to get without meaning that anyone should run out buy me those things. Does that make sense? But based on your post, Tuckins, I'm guessing that's not what happened. If she's flat out asking for things, that's inappropriate.
 
Ok, so it's not just me then! I thought maybe I was just being fussy or something, but everybody I talk to thinks this is so distasteful! Do you think I should explain to her why i'm not buying anything for her right now?
 
Yikes. Tacky, tacky, tacky. Regardless, I would buy her a gift (from the requested list) commensurate with the level or nature of the friendship and give it to her when the baby is born or a little earlier.

ETA: OP, I must have been typing when you posted the comment above mine. I might casually mention in a pondering or confused manner that I've never heard of someone making a gift registry that is not in conjunction with or anticipation of plans for a shower. If I were feeling really bold, I might also say I've never heard of someone having a registry or shower for the second and subsequent babies (if that's your experience or common in your area). Maybe it would cause her to research etiquette. Then still do as I said above regardless of what she decides to do.

You mentioned that this is an oops baby and your friend is in school. Is she strapped for money and this surprise is compounding the situation? Maybe that's what driving the situation. Still, she should at least have a shower if she's seeking gifts.
 
I am not very good with people doing a greedy outright gift grab like that. If I had said hey what can I get you, or hey I want to do a shower thing, Ill need a gift list, fine. But to send one completely unrequested like that? No chance she's getting a thing from me.
 
Seems pretty tacky to me too if no one asked. If she were my good friend, I probably would have given her some clue that its not
really in good manners to ask for gifts. She may not care. Where I'm from we do have 2nd and 3rd parties but we usually give
pratical things like diapers/wipes etc. Its really just an excuse to get together and show our excitement for the baby/mom. They
Are much more low key then a first baby shower and we usually just call it a party or get together instead of a shower.
 
Wow. I don't want to get together with you but you can send me stuff anyway. Oh, and I want it immediately. Uh uh! You're right, Tuckins. Bad form, awful form, in fact. Sheesh, strollers? Car seats? $$$$$!

If she asks, you can tell her how happy you are for her & you're looking for something just right, which you promise to find before the baby is born. Then get her what you can afford. I guess you feel you should give her something since you're close friends -- if you were un-close, I'd suggest a card.

A good friend of mine did similar for her wedding -- registered for dream stuff like Buccellati wine glasses, $600 each & who sends just one wine glass?, Tiffany silver, etc., when we all had just graduated from college & nobody owned a dime. I bought her a (not on her list) modern Imari platter for what I could afford & sent it without apology & with best wishes. It worked out okay -- bet it will if you do the same.

--- Laurie
 
Ditto everyone else, that is super tacky.
 
So tacky.

I'm not sure when gifting got so out of hand. It seems like everyone expects gifts for everything. I've had friends get upset when given a gift not on their registry. Really? We didn't even have a wedding registry. For our baby registry, we chose all gender neutral items so we wouldn't have to buy all new stuff if we had a future baby of the opposite sex.

I'd give her a card, along with something useful for baby, regardless of whether it is on her list.
 
Isn't it an etiquette thing that you aren't supposed to throw a shower for yourself? And not even a family member is supposed to throw the shower because it will be seen as a gift grab? She's basically throwing herself a shower without the hosting duty- so, um, that's not really how that's supposed to go.

She's a close friend of yours- is she normally this oblivious of common social niceties? If she is, then I would chalk it up to that and then, if I could, offer to throw her shower for her to help her save some face. If not, and she's just being tacky, then I would probably say something- once- about how unusual her method is, and simply get her whatever I was going to get her before the lists came out.
 
That seems pretty strange. She sounds very socially clueless, and I've realized lately that when people are this socially clueless, it's not even helpful to point it out. I tried to do this with some relatives, and instead of being embarrassed, they got defensive and angry that I pointed out their rudeness. They then insisted that they had a "right" to do XYZ. Hopeless.

I would just leave your friend to her own devices and not say anything. If it were your sister, I would say to try to talk to her, but it sounds like this friend is not that close.
 
Yeah, that's tacky. You aren't entitled to have people give you things just because you're having a baby. It's not like when you have a baby shower that it's even YOU throwing it - it's someone else. I think she's being really tacky. I honestly just wouldn't get her anything other than a card.
 
aviastar|1358900380|3362066 said:
Isn't it an etiquette thing that you aren't supposed to throw a shower for yourself? And not even a family member is supposed to throw the shower because it will be seen as a gift grab? She's basically throwing herself a shower without the hosting duty- so, um, that's not really how that's supposed to go.

She's a close friend of yours- is she normally this oblivious of common social niceties? If she is, then I would chalk it up to that and then, if I could, offer to throw her shower for her to help her save some face. If not, and she's just being tacky, then I would probably say something- once- about how unusual her method is, and simply get her whatever I was going to get her before the lists came out.
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I guess you would have to know her and her family. Without trying to sound harsh, but to put it bluntly- she comes from a pretty low SES family, and they are quite tacky and crass. She's sweet as pie and I love her, but really no common sense/ logic coming out of that household! We have done a LOT to help them (I even loaned him money to buy her ring, gave them money for her school, etc...) and I just don't feel that I should be doing her shower as well. In the past few years, I probably have seen her MAYBE 5 times, and she lives .9 miles from me! She threw herself her last shower... I would be happy to help with food and things like that, but I am not hosting it. She already stated that she does not WANT a shower, yet is still asking for all of the stuff that you would normally ask for at a shower. When I try to talk with her about it, she contradicts herself, gives ridiculous reasoning, and talks in circles. I am just stepping back and letting it unfold the way it does. I don't want to argue with her and make her upset because I want this to be a happy time for her. I don't know what else I can say to her to make her really see the whole picture, beating around the bush does not work. I have to be direct, but I can't bring myself to tell her that she is being tacky and rude. It's such a weird situation!
 
No offense intended with this, but she sounds like she keeps you around for bankrolling her life. And everyone else as well. I have two former "friends" in my life like that. You were only there if they wanted something or "needed help", wanted to go somewhere expensive--and oh no they couldn't afford that ever or never had their wallets--or if there was a party or event that needed spiffing up and you were expected to bankroll it or provide the expensive gift. Instead of doing things for herself, she expects everyone else to do it and pay for it. And she knows that she can sucker everyone else into it easily with some sob story. I would seriously put a stop to that, now, and this is the time and place. She can either have a proper shower, hosted by a group, or she can get NOTHING and like it.
 
ame|1358942731|3362182 said:
No offense intended with this, but she sounds like she keeps you around for bankrolling her life. And everyone else as well. I have two former "friends" in my life like that. You were only there if they wanted something or "needed help", wanted to go somewhere expensive--and oh no they couldn't afford that ever or never had their wallets--or if there was a party or event that needed spiffing up and you were expected to bankroll it or provide the expensive gift. Instead of doing things for herself, she expects everyone else to do it and pay for it. And she knows that she can sucker everyone else into it easily with some sob story. I would seriously put a stop to that, now, and this is the time and place. She can either have a proper shower, hosted by a group, or she can get NOTHING and like it.
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Yeah, I sometimes feel like that too... Her husband and I have been friends since I was 16, which is how I met her, and also how I met my husband! I am her daughter's god mother. I love them like family, but it's like she doesn't put forth ANY effort to be our friend. I call her and text her, she rarely responds. She's the type to have a million and one excuses about why she can't xyz. It gets really annoying. For example, when they were trying to get married, she kept whining about not being able to get ahold of the court house to check on hours, marriage license, etc... Her internet was down, she couldn't call (for whatever reason), she couldn't get there because of errands, etc... I straight up asked her if she didn't want to marry him, and she said she did, she just had all this other crap to do. I did all the arranging for her. This is only one time in a long list of incidents where other people had to make things happen for her because she's just helpless. It's getting old.
 
Yea she is my "N". I had to cut that girl out of my life bec I could not do it anymore. I was the only one that did anything ever. I did all the work, all the paying, all the everything. And I found out she was like that with almost everyone-- almost. When I finally had enough of being used it was easy to end it.
 
Well put, ame. I bet everyone has had a 'close" friend like that; I did.

It doesn't sound like you're major bosom buds, Tuckins -- is she ever there for you when you need her? You seem more like what I call "close acquaintances" rather than "close friends." I think you can get away with giving her whatever you wish to -- and not giving what you don't.

If no presents crowd her doorstep & she decides she needs to bother with a shower to rake a few in, I personally would be unavailable to help at all. Throwing yourself a gift grab -- especially after all this stuff -- is so gross, I'd avoid having the amazed invitees think I approved of it. (Besides, who would be on the hook for food? You?) It's correct that neither the mother-to-be nor her relatives should host a shower. Gosh, shower gifts started out as nighties, booties, diapers. I don't think even now they include strollers & car seats. How about asking for new living room furniture? :lol:

I'm getting the picture that you are a much better friend than she is. I'm sure she is sweet & fun, but whatever her family situation, she should have picked up a few social cues along the way in life.

--- Laurie
 
Im confused :twirl: . How can she say she is not planning on a shower? Is She telling people I do not want a shower? cause then honey, you do not want gifts! Does she have no family or close friends who might step in and give her a shower? Does she not realize it is very poor taste to throw your own party and beg for gifts? Let alone not even feed the folks just ask for gifts to magically appear at your feet? The entitled attitufe of many people amazes me.

However I get the feeling she is strapped for cash and baby was a surprise and she is panicking. She isn't due for months!

Back in the olden days... read 80's when I had my babies you had one shower for the first kid, and good luck with the rest. Hopefully you saved stuff or had hand me downs from friends OR hold on to your hats... bought the stuff yourself!

This generation, or at least in our neck of the woods, and my DD friends, first baby you get a shower with gifts dutifully chosen from a registry :naughty: Thrown by ANYONE BUT THE MOM TO BE. Baby #2-10 you have what they call a sprinkle and it is usually lower key and smaller gifts. BUT a baby any number is a cause for celebration! Party on!

On a personal note when DD had grandson #1 she was the first of her friends to have a baby, and she was living in a town with very few friends and had a very small 8 people shower in her new town. Baby #2 was here in our home town, hosted by me and her bestie . We invited just close friends and co workers and holy cow, it was the most amazing party. Because she had moved frpom GA back to Fl and being the anti hoarder she is she had sold all her baby stuff before she moved. She needed lots of the bigger items, but did not put them on a registry, however her friends knew what she needed and she got so much stuff.
As for the OP I would wait and see what happens closer to her due date. So much could happen in between. Some one bolder than you may even step in a tell her she needs to not make a blatant gift grab :naughty:
 
aviastar|1358900380|3362066 said:
Isn't it an etiquette thing that you aren't supposed to throw a shower for yourself? And not even a family member is supposed to throw the shower because it will be seen as a gift grab? She's basically throwing herself a shower without the hosting duty- so, um, that's not really how that's supposed to go.

She's a close friend of yours- is she normally this oblivious of common social niceties? If she is, then I would chalk it up to that and then, if I could, offer to throw her shower for her to help her save some face. If not, and she's just being tacky, then I would probably say something- once- about how unusual her method is, and simply get her whatever I was going to get her before the lists came out.
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Yes, this is very true.

I agree with everyone else that sending out unsolicited wish lists is poor form.

Party or not, I imagine people will want to send her gifts. (Or at least they would have wanted to send gifts before her icky behavior!) DH and I just had our first child five weeks ago, and in our religious culture we don't have baby showers or bring anything into our home for the baby before he is born. (It isn't a religious rule or anything, it's more a superstition.) We didn't expect to receive many gifts, but people are so kind and supportive that I ordered 50 thank you cards with our son's name on them and I've already run out!
 
Haven|1358957738|3362308 said:
aviastar|1358900380|3362066 said:
Isn't it an etiquette thing that you aren't supposed to throw a shower for yourself? And not even a family member is supposed to throw the shower because it will be seen as a gift grab? She's basically throwing herself a shower without the hosting duty- so, um, that's not really how that's supposed to go.

She's a close friend of yours- is she normally this oblivious of common social niceties? If she is, then I would chalk it up to that and then, if I could, offer to throw her shower for her to help her save some face. If not, and she's just being tacky, then I would probably say something- once- about how unusual her method is, and simply get her whatever I was going to get her before the lists came out.
Click to expand...
Yes, this is very true.

I agree with everyone else that sending out unsolicited wish lists is poor form.

Party or not, I imagine people will want to send her gifts. (Or at least they would have wanted to send gifts before her icky behavior!) DH and I just had our first child five weeks ago, and in our religious culture we don't have baby showers or bring anything into our home for the baby before he is born. (It isn't a religious rule or anything, it's more a superstition.) We didn't expect to receive many gifts, but people are so kind and supportive that I ordered 50 thank you cards with our son's name on them and I've already run out!
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Haven, congrats on the baby! :appl:
You are absolutely right, we all would have gotten her things anyways. The way she is going about things is just weird... I also am superstitious about celebrating too early. (not religion or anything, just seems like inviting trouble.) I will not purchase, nor decorate anything, for the baby until at least into her third trimester. That's just our family's belief, anyways.
 
Everyone summed it up as tacky & rude, etc. She is a taker, but not a giver...

You could always get something that is REALLY for the baby...something like board books or other items that will benefit the child 100% but don't feed into her using of your funds for basics she should be buying, like a car seat or stroller. Make it 100% about the baby.
 
MC|1358970588|3362381 said:
Everyone summed it up as tacky & rude, etc. She is a taker, but not a giver...

You could always get something that is REALLY for the baby...something like board books or other items that will benefit the child 100% but don't feed into her using of your funds for basics she should be buying, like a car seat or stroller. Make it 100% about the baby.
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that was actually one of the best presents we got, board books!


I am sorry Tuckins; I can understand how you feel.
 
Yikes. My sisters didn't even give me a list of things they needed. It's in poor taste, for sure.

I, personally, like to give diapers in size 2 and something small for the baby, which usually mean I make a diaper cake.
 
Wow! :knockout:
Would sending a box of condoms be any more rude and tacky than what she did?

Seriously, I'd give/send/say nothing, and just distance myself from her.

You get to pick who you let and keep in your life.
Don't be a doormat.
 
kenny|1358980226|3362473 said:
Wow! :knockout:
Would sending a box of condoms be any more rude and tacky than what she did?

Seriously, I'd give/send/say nothing, and just distance myself from her.

You get to pick who you let and keep in your life.
Don't be a doormat.
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Lol! I thought about something like that when I first found out! She's in school, he's un-employed, and for the last few months, she had been talking about leaving him when she graduates... I was thinking "Why are you still having sex with someone you loathe?"
 
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