Baby Envy?

[swingirl]

I am confused, colorkitty. These are two of your older posts. If you have a nice nest egg in savings and a 401K why don’t you think you’ll ever have more than a one bedroom place? But maybe the whole baby crazy thing will pass this time too.

“I have my own small business and my husband wants me to spend what I make on fun things. We have tons in retirement, tons in savings, there''s no use not spending the tokens I make.

I''d spend 1K or more on a new setting for my engagement stone, a diamond pendant (my next purchase and looking to run about $900), and possibly some Hello Kitty jewelry because I''m a collector. I don''t want much jewelry, but the few pieces I do want tend to cost quite a bit.***new and improved***”

“When I first got married, I went baby crazy, which surprised the heck out of my husband because I''ve always been insistent on never having children or even liking children. That feeling, thank goodness, passed. I think I was just looking for some fulfillment and a project at the time. There''s something very exciting about being pregnant and having a new baby that made me want a piece of it.

Three years later, I''ve evaluated my skills and my abilities as a person and I can tell you that I''d make a horrible parent. I''m an amazingly selfish, independent, impatient, and non-nurturing kind of person. I like who I am, but I''m not mother material. ***new and improved***”

 

[colorkitty]

Date: 3/27/2007 12:03:33 PM
Author: swingirl
I am confused, colorkitty. These are two of your older posts. If you have a nice nest egg in savings and a 401K why don’t you think you’ll ever have more than a one bedroom place?

The 401K is $ we cannot touch until he turns 65. We have thought about reducing 401K contributions but financial experts say that''s very irresponsible. We do have nice savings. It''s not enough, though. Actually, given that your mortgage/taxes/insurance are only supposed to be 30% of your take home pay, max, we can''t technically afford to live in our current place.

I have my own small business and my husband wants me to spend what I make on fun things. We have tons in retirement, tons in savings, there''s no use not spending the tokens I make.

We used to save every last cent we ever earned. We decided to relax a little and buy some fun stuff. That was a very small business. We''re talking 1K in profits for a year, although I was very proud of it.

I''d spend 1K or more on a new setting for my engagement stone, a diamond pendant (my next purchase and looking to run about $900), and possibly some Hello Kitty jewelry because I''m a collector. I don''t want much jewelry, but the few pieces I do want tend to cost quite a bit.***new and improved***”

I didn''t buy any of these things. It''s not a big deal. Just because we cannot afford the kind of home my husband wants in this market does not mean we''re strapped. We have money. It''s enough to buy almost anything-- except the kind of house dh wants. We''re so far from affording that, I feel spending a little on ourselves isn''t what is holding us back.

“When I first got married, I went baby crazy, which surprised the heck out of my husband because I''ve always been insistent on never having children or even liking children. That feeling, thank goodness, passed. I think I was just looking for some fulfillment and a project at the time. There''s something very exciting about being pregnant and having a new baby that made me want a piece of it.


Three years later, I''ve evaluated my skills and my abilities as a person and I can tell you that I''d make a horrible parent. I''m an amazingly selfish, independent, impatient, and non-nurturing kind of person. I like who I am, but I''m not mother material. ***new and improved***”

I WANT a child. I don''t feel I DESERVE a child. I don''t feel I''m good enough. And my desperation to have one comes and goes. Most of the time, I''m fine.

I''ve learned that most of my friends start getting the itch for a baby, and weeks later they are trying. They think the amount of thought I''m putting into this is insane. I think it''s irresponsible to have a baby just because I want one. It should be about what''s best for the child, even if that means I have to put aside my feelings and realize what''s best is for me not to have one. It''s just hard.

 

[mrssalvo]

if most people waited until they could afford a baby, most people wouldn''t have them. Once a baby enters into the picture, your priorities change. I''m a stay at home mom, in the beginning it was tough b/c we were used to living on both our incomes but I learned how to budget and we decided where we wanted to spend $. it''s amazing how quickly fast food and starbucks add up and just by cutting down a little bit you''ve got room in the budget for baby food and diapers.

also, I know a one room apt. isn''t the way you want to start your family but a lot of people let the baby sleep in their room for the first 6 months to a year. If you guys really want a baby, you''ve got 40 weeks of pregnancy plus 6-12 months with a infant to really plan on moving to something bigger. I know everyone has huge dream houses and there is nothing wrong with that but you can raise a family in a small place. my grandparents raised 7 children in a 2 bedroom house. it was tight but they managed and all grew up just fine

 

[Ellen]

Date: 3/27/2007 2:05:39 PM
Author: mrssalvo
if most people waited until they could afford a baby, most people wouldn''t have them.

Amen.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 3/27/2007 2:12:44 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 3/27/2007 2:05:39 PM
Author: mrssalvo
if most people waited until they could afford a baby, most people wouldn''t have them.

Amen.

True that!!!

 

[Jewels]

This is what I believe in.......it doesn''t take a a lot of money, or a big house to have a child. It takes commitment and maturity.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 3/27/2007 2:12:44 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 3/27/2007 2:05:39 PM
Author: mrssalvo
if most people waited until they could afford a baby, most people wouldn''t have them.

Amen.

I also agree... I have a friend who''s salary is just above the poverty line (in QC, at least) and her boyfriend does just about the same... and they have a baby and a small house. They''re happy and fulfilled, and that''s the only thing that matters!

 

[gailrmv]

Colorkitty, how old are you? If you are less than 30, I would say just roll with things for a few years... there is time to make these decisions later on.
I''m sorry that you and your husband are having trouble getting on the same page. From what you wrote, it''s easy to see your side and difficult to see his. But I wonder if there is more to his side of the story that he would explain, if he were the one writing? Perhaps, his insistence on a house that is unaffordable is actually his way of saying that he is not ready to be a father yet?

 

[poptart]

Date: 3/27/2007 12:49:11 PM
Author: colorkitty

Date: 3/27/2007 12:03:33 PM

I WANT a child. I don''t feel I DESERVE a child. I don''t feel I''m good enough.

This, to me, is the crux of the problem. You clearly have some conflicting issues that need to be resolved in order for you to move forward, I think. As for your observation that you think it''s irresponsible to have a baby "just because you want one," that''s how many babies came about, and those that weren''t wanted end up in the system. I personally think that choosing to have children is just as selfish as deciding NOT to have children, because you choose to do one or the other based on your own desires. That doesn''t make it bad, it''s just the way life decisions work. You do what''s in your heart.

*M*

 

[snowflakeluvr]

i am a frequent, late night lurker but wanted to tell you that i am sorry for your long-suffering over this baby thing. it took dh and i four years(and 3 m/ces) to have our fourth child. my husband isn''t the greatest guy(workaholic, travel, often absent and raised by a nutty mom) but i was driven to have another baby and he went along with it(fertility issues this time, etc). i KNOW that i ached and couldn''t bear the thought of NOT having another child in my/our lives. thankfully, he was on board. we finally got our beautiful boy and guess what? less than 2 years later, got our 2nd princess. so we have five-feels like we''re newlyweds again(busy and broke) and it''s all good.
i don''t think you''ll ever have enough money if you are middle to upper-middle class. sounds like you are very fiscally responsible, but i quit working when first child was four months old. have worked part-time before #4 and #5 came along. could definitely use extra income, but gee, these wonderful little faces are so worth. i''d say give him a little more time(but not much). it''s very overwhelming to be 100% responsble for another life, but it is also the most awesome and rewarding thing my husband and i have ever done(five times over).
good luck-i do know the pain and it can be unbearable. if you are a person of faith, pray too. that''s gotten me through some pretty tumultuous times.
sending you a (((hug)))