Baby Envy?

[colorkitty]

A while ago, we decided not to have kids. We live in an area where we can probably never afford a house or more than one bedroom, my husband won''t move to where we can, I''m not mother material, I have GERD and am at risk for diabetes due to my weight... blah, blah, blah. Doesn''t stop me from wanting a baby, though! I know it''s hormones, and it does come and go. At the very worst I get these little voices in my head where I start 1) getting jealous of other pregnant woman 2) start thinking these women don''t deserve to be preg because they haven''t been married as long as me or aren''t as old as me 3) no one on this earth has ever had to suffer without a baby as long as me 4) wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Okay, I''m making fun of myself a bit. I don''t really throw tantrums. But I do become envious. It''s hard for me when I see women married 3 months announcing their pregnancies when I''ve been waiting over 3 years for something that will never come. When it gets as bad as it is now, I start to feel like I''m in this dark box I can''t climb out of. In reality, I know we''re blessed to even have what we do, that this is a great area to live even if homes start at 5x our income with v. high taxes, and I''m happy for all my preg friends no matter what.

I have baby fever SO bad-- again. Any one have some tips on how to cope?

 

[Maisie]

I''m sorry you are feeling this way. Its not a nice feeling. I am not in the same position as you but I do know how you feel.

I have had five children. When I was pregnant last I was expecting twins. One of my babies didn''t survive and was still born. My husband and I decided that he would have a vascectomy as I really didn''t feel that I could cope with anything like this again. (I know you are probably thinking five is enough but to put it into perspective he is only daddy to the little one - I was married before).
We would have loved to have another baby together but this won''t ever happen now. I find myself looking at pregnant bumps and babies in prams and I get so emotional. Its the worst feeling. I sometimes wish he hadn''t had the operation done (it was done within 6 months of Madison''s death), but I know it was for the best. I have to remind myself that I have five beautiful healthy children - most of the time it works.

I feel that maybe you and your hubby need to talk this over again - its ok to have changed your mind about having children you know.

 

[colorkitty]

Maisie, I'm so sorry about your loss.

It's not that I haven't changed my mind. I rarely say I don't want them, just that we won't have them. I want them DESPERATELY. I literally feel like I'm dying inside, which is so dramatic, but true. It's that we can't have them. My husband refuses to move to where we can afford more than one bedroom, refuses to rent, refuses to move into a larger condo/townhome, refuses to live in a place that isn't new with a 2 car garage, refuses to move into a place that's not in a development (neighborhood). It's not just his fault-- my health isn't great. Of course, he refuses to use a serrogate or adopt because we can technically have natural children that come out of me. UGH!

 

[poptart]

If it''s really bothering you and you think that now you want to have children, I agree with Maisie about talking it over with your husband again. If you are worried about the health risks related to pregnancy, you could always adopt.

*M*

 

[Maisie]

Date: 3/26/2007 1:33:25 PM
Author: colorkitty
Maisie, I''m so sorry about your loss.

It''s not that I haven''t changed my mind. I rarely say I don''t want them, just that we won''t have them. I want them DESPERATELY. I literally feel like I''m dying inside, which is so dramatic, but true. It''s that we can''t have them. My husband refuses to move to where we can afford more than one bedroom, refuses to rent, refuses to move into a larger condo/townhome, refuses to live in a place that isn''t new with a 2 car garage, refuses to move into a place that''s not in a development (neighborhood). It''s not just his fault-- my health isn''t great. Of course, he refuses to use a serrogate or adopt because we can''t technically have natural children that come out of me. UGH!

Wow there are a lot of ''refuses'' in there. Where is the compromise? He can''t call all the shots in your marriage. You are entitled to say how you feel and what you would like to happen.

I''m sorry if that sounds harsh but my first husband was like this - we just didn''t survive because I couldn''t just shut up and agree....

 

[poptart]

Color kitty, I''m so sorry! It must be terrible to have him say no several times to something that is so important to you. I agree, where is the compromise? Does he know how badly this is hurting you?

*M*

 

[decodelighted]

I don''t want to be a downer ... but I fear this is an even more serious dilemma than you may realize now. Right now I have a friend whose 10 year marriage/13 year relationship may be breaking up over one party wanting a baby/the other party saying "no". This is after YEARS of joint & individual therapy.

If you really want a baby, I don''t know how possible it is to "turn that off" - no matter what agreements you''ve negotiated etc. It seems to grow STRONGER over time, not weaker.

It also concerns me that your DH is "calling all the shots" -- saying "NO" to this & that & the other - rather than it appearing like joint decisions.

On a lighter note: have you considered a puppy?

 

[colorkitty]

It''s complicated, because we both say we want children. We just have different ways of going about it.

Him: We''ll wait until we can afford a 3 bedroom home in a neighborhood that''s new or newer and has a 2-car garage. If it''s in a bad school district, that''s okay. If it means we''re living paycheck-to-paycheck, that''s okay, too. I''m willing to commute over an hour each way to work, but I''ll complain about it every day. We probably won''t get around to having children for another 5 years, and I''ll complain about that, too, but NOTHING is more important that staying in the Philadelphia area. I don''t ever go to Philadelphia or partake in any cultural/social events we''re paying for to live in the metro area. My largest fear in life is having to find a new grocery store and move to a new town where I don''t know where things are.

Me: If we move to a new state, you''ll get a raise, you''re commute will be shorter, we get a great home, and the schools are better. Or we should move to a different townhome/condo, or closer to the city where houses are cheaper but older. Maybe you could learn about home maintenance so you stop yelling at me about how older home all fall apart. We can''t afford a Ryan Home. We can''t afford a Keystone Custom Home. Let''s figure out something else while I hop on the treadmill and lose some weight!

Now, I''m sure that''s very onesided, but that''s how I feel. He wants the perfect home and nothing less will do. We both agree we can''t have kids in our current one-bedroom, so at least we agree on something.

 

[colorkitty]

On a lighter note: have you considered a puppy?

Yes! I want a welsh corgi soooooooo much. But the HOA won''t allow it, and our cats say getting a dog doesn''t work for them, LOL.

 

[Kit]

Date: 3/26/2007 1:57:53 PM
Author: colorkitty
It''s complicated, because we both say we want children. We just have different ways of going about it.

Him: We''ll wait until we can afford a 3 bedroom home in a neighborhood that''s new or newer and has a 2-car garage. If it''s in a bad school district, that''s okay. If it means we''re living paycheck-to-paycheck, that''s okay, too. I''m willing to commute over an hour each way to work, but I''ll complain about it every day. We probably won''t get around to having children for another 5 years, and I''ll complain about that, too, but NOTHING is more important that staying in the Philadelphia area. I don''t ever go to Philadelphia or partake in any cultural/social events we''re paying for to live in the metro area. My largest fear in life is having to find a new grocery store and move to a new town where I don''t know where things are.

Me: If we move to a new state, you''ll get a raise, you''re commute will be shorter, we get a great home, and the schools are better. Or we should move to a different townhome/condo, or closer to the city where houses are cheaper but older. Maybe you could learn about home maintenance so you stop yelling at me about how older home all fall apart. We can''t afford a Ryan Home. We can''t afford a Keystone Custom Home. Let''s figure out something else while I hop on the treadmill and lose some weight!

Now, I''m sure that''s very onesided, but that''s how I feel. He wants the perfect home and nothing less will do. We both agree we can''t have kids in our current one-bedroom, so at least we agree on something.

Wow. I am sure you are venting a bit, but I''m still horrified. Why would be place having the right type of home over doing something that would fulfill you on a deep emotional level? Regardless of all other factors, does he want to become a father or not?

I have to say, I understand the logistics of having kids in a 1 bedroom, but it HAS and CAN be done. It is possible. Is hubby using the housing thing as an excuse? Are you as well? His side of things, from the way you describe it above, sounds like he''s very irrational person.

Have you thought about buying a duplex and renting out half as income generating?

 

[Maisie]

You would be shocked to see where we live - we have a three bedroom, one bathroom, no garage, two (tiny) reception room house.

Its not the best area in Newcastle, in fact its quite run down - but its near one of the best schools so we are happy here. My children are aged 17, 14, 11, 9 and 2. Once you include me and my hubby there really isn''t much room in this tiny house.

BUT there is so much fun and love here - we love to be with each other and yet there always seems to be somewhere to go if you just want to be on your own. We respect each others privacy.

We aren''t rich - infact we are about to take a drop in income so I can return to work. My hubby will stay at home with the smallest child until he goes to school.

Its not always about money and possessions. You can''t buy love and affection and the feeling of ''I made those kids''.......

We have saved like mad to get me my new ring (which is coming next month hopefully). It is a lot of money to us but nobody has gone without for us to be able to get it.

Things always seem to have a way of working out. If its what you want then you must make him see that.

Good luck!!

 

[colorkitty]

A baby in a one-bedroom CAN be done. But SHOULD it be done? What happens when the child is 7 and still does not have a room? What happens if we want more than one kid? It''s not as if we can have a baby here and we''ll have the money for a nice home in a few months or a year. That''s the dilemma. We can''t afford a place now, have been saving like madmen, having a baby surely will make the situation worse and we''ll be here for even longer, right? Maybe it''s an excuse, but I put limits on what I''m willing to go though. Our place is absolutely packed with stuff. My husband have over a hundred thousand baseball cards and other collections. There''s no room and it''s not fair to the child.

My husband would never live in a duplex.

He says he wants kids very, very badly. Not enough to move away from Philadelphia or go to a new grocery store, though... LOL.

We are thinking about buying a home. It''s over an hour commute for dh and 45% of our take home pay each month and he''s complained non-stop over the subpar driveways, wanting to pay even 10K more to have it on a lot with a better driveway, but he''ll settle for it.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 3/26/2007 2:54:11 PM
Author: colorkitty
A baby in a one-bedroom CAN be done. But SHOULD it be done? What happens when the child is 7 and still does not have a room? What happens if we want more than one kid? It''s not as if we can have a baby here and we''ll have the money for a nice home in a few months or a year. That''s the dilemma. We can''t afford a place now, have been saving like madmen, having a baby surely will make the situation worse and we''ll be here for even longer, right? Maybe it''s an excuse, but I put limits on what I''m willing to go though. Our place is absolutely packed with stuff. My husband have over a hundred thousand baseball cards and other collections. There''s no room and it''s not fair to the child.

My husband would never live in a duplex.

He says he wants kids very, very badly. Not enough to move away from Philadelphia or go to a new grocery store, though... LOL.

We are thinking about buying a home. It''s over an hour commute for dh and 45% of our take home pay each month and he''s complained non-stop over the subpar driveways, wanting to pay even 10K more to have it on a lot with a better driveway, but he''ll settle for it.

So you can''t make room for a baby because your hubby has baseball cards?? Ever heard of storage? Or ebay??

 

[E B]

colorkitty,

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I wanted you to know you're not alone....I'm feeling the baby pangs as well. HARD. Sometimes they hurt, don't they?

And I agree with your husband RE: refusing basically everything. I think, in this situation, you need to be honest. This WON'T go away. You WANT children. A one bedroom apartment in a city you never take advantage of just isn't enough, and why.

What about doing some research on surrounding areas? Maybe a suburb of Philadelphia? When you say 'kids and a new, bigger house!', your husband might not be getting a realistic picture of what you're talking about. Gather information, pictures, and home prices. Gather rental prices as well, and explain that you'd rent *until* you found something to buy. No pressure.

I don't know, this has always helped with me and my stubborn father (my fiance has known for years that having children is something that means the world to me, and thankfully, he feels the same way).

 

[poptart]

Date: 3/26/2007 3:10:39 PM
Author: Maisie

Date: 3/26/2007 2:54:11 PM

Author: colorkitty

A baby in a one-bedroom CAN be done. But SHOULD it be done? What happens when the child is 7 and still does not have a room? What happens if we want more than one kid? It''s not as if we can have a baby here and we''ll have the money for a nice home in a few months or a year. That''s the dilemma. We can''t afford a place now, have been saving like madmen, having a baby surely will make the situation worse and we''ll be here for even longer, right? Maybe it''s an excuse, but I put limits on what I''m willing to go though. Our place is absolutely packed with stuff. My husband have over a hundred thousand baseball cards and other collections. There''s no room and it''s not fair to the child.



My husband would never live in a duplex.


He says he wants kids very, very badly. Not enough to move away from Philadelphia or go to a new grocery store, though... LOL.


We are thinking about buying a home. It''s over an hour commute for dh and 45% of our take home pay each month and he''s complained non-stop over the subpar driveways, wanting to pay even 10K more to have it on a lot with a better driveway, but he''ll settle for it.

So you can''t make room for a baby because your hubby has baseball cards?? Ever heard of storage? Or ebay??

That''s what I was thinking. If he sold those cards you could make tons of money... but I am not much of a collector, so maybe he is very attached to his cards.

*M*

 

[Maisie]

Date: 3/26/2007 3:33:43 PM
Author: EBree
colorkitty,

I''m so sorry you''re in this position. I wanted you to know you''re not alone....I''m feeling the baby pangs as well. HARD. Sometimes they hurt, don''t they?

And I agree with your husband RE: refusing basically everything. I think, in this situation, you need to be honest. This WON''T go away. You WANT children. A one bedroom apartment in a city you never take advantage of just isn''t enough, and why.

What about doing some research on surrounding areas? Maybe a suburb of Philadelphia? When you say ''kids and a new, bigger house!'', your husband might not be getting a realistic picture of what you''re talking about. Gather information, pictures, and home prices. Gather rental prices as well, and explain that you''d rent *until* you found something to buy. No pressure.

I don''t know, this has always helped with me and my stubborn father (my fiance has known for years that having children is something that means the world to me, and thankfully, he feels the same way).

EBree you are a very sensible lady

 

[Independent Gal]

Colorkitty, I completely know how you feel with yearning for children. I was recently at a community event and a lady was singing to her 18 month old who was all snuggled up to her chest and I thought ''that must be bliss''. I don''t think those sorts of feelings (yearning for kids) go away.

I also understand the concern wtih space and money. M and I talk a lot about children because he is even more desperate for them than I am. One of the things we talk about is how we could afford a home that was big enough in an area that would be nice to live in. I know that we don''t NEED that in the strict sense of ''need'', but I''m someone who "needs" space and time alone. My condo is one bedroom, and I don''t think I could do it and stay sane. It''s made me think I want to return to my home country, which is much less expensive and much safer than this part of the US (so neighbourhood is less important).

It''s also made me think about changing my line of work to something where I could earn more. Have you considered that option? I know it''s not always so easy, but maybe a career change could help the situation?

Maisie, I admire your strength so much! How you talk about your family is truly wonderful. I have a lot of brothers and sisters, and while I''m fiercely protective of my alone time and privacy (and was very lucky to grow up with my own room), I know that there''s nothing to compare to the happy tumult of lots of siblings who love each other and make each other laugh.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 3/26/2007 1:37:45 PM
Author: Maisie


Wow there are a lot of ''refuses'' in there. Where is the compromise? He can''t call all the shots in your marriage. You are entitled to say how you feel and what you would like to happen.

I''m sorry if that sounds harsh but my first husband was like this - we just didn''t survive because I couldn''t just shut up and agree....

*slaps Maise on the back*

Atta girl!

All kidding aside, I do agree, there have to be compromises on both sides.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 3/26/2007 5:39:17 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 3/26/2007 1:37:45 PM
Author: Maisie


Wow there are a lot of ''refuses'' in there. Where is the compromise? He can''t call all the shots in your marriage. You are entitled to say how you feel and what you would like to happen.

I''m sorry if that sounds harsh but my first husband was like this - we just didn''t survive because I couldn''t just shut up and agree....

*slaps Maise on the back*

Atta girl!

All kidding aside, I do agree, there have to be compromises on both sides.

Oooh I love the rough stuff

 

[ladykemma]

"neighborhood agoraphobia" can be masked in many ways. a lot of people are phobicly afraid to leave the neighborhood.

the baseball card collection - he can have it, but not at the expense of the safety and well being of his family.

back later...

 

[justjulia]

Ha- reminds me when we first met and dh had tropical fish. Slight change in temp and one dies and they cost about as much as a sweater (a nice sweater). The fish went. Kids came. Years later, children going to college and the fish idea is returning. Can you tastefully fill in the garage? (Make it appear to be a garage from the outside?)

 

[Tacori E-ring]

colorkitty sounds like your problem is not with pregnant women but with your husband. I think having children is something both people should agree with. From what you have said you have decided NOT to have kids but you both DO want kids which makes no sense. I understand that you live in a one bedroom but it seems to me if his urge to be a father was as great as your urge to be a mother he would have NO problem moving. Sounds like a serious problem to me. I hope you both can come to a compromise and that you are open and honest about your feelings. I doubt your urges will ever completely go away. If anything I suspect they just get stronger with age.

 

[E B]

I just re-read my post (hours after I posted it!), and I didn't mean I agree with your husband. I meant to say that I agree with what everyone else was saying re: your husband refusing everything.

Just wanted to clear that up!

 

[ljmorgan]

Umm well if a baby just... came along, even your husband would eventually want to move.

Hahaha... I''m just teasing

But... it''s true. LoL. If you both want kids...

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 3/26/2007 9:57:05 PM
Author: *Lindsey*
Umm well if a baby just... came along, even your husband would eventually want to move.

Hahaha... I''m just teasing

But... it''s true. LoL. If you both want kids...

Women who do this cause themselves and their spouses nothing but problems and the child is the one who suffers. Having a child is a decision two adults should come to after much discussion and thought about their ability to parent, their willingness to have their lives changed and most importantly actions and words that evidence their desire to become parents. Your husband doesn''t seem to be in this place and it sounds like you two have some communication issues to work out before choosing to become parents (he says he wants XYZ or nothing and gets XYZ or nothing, no compromise involved, etc.).

If it''s something you really want, and he''s expressed similar desires but made no moves towards making it happen perhaps your best bet would be to sit down with a counselor or trusted pastor/rabbl/whatever and have a thorough discussion about it.

 

[ljmorgan]

Date: 3/26/2007 10:42:24 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 3/26/2007 9:57:05 PM

Author: *Lindsey*

Umm well if a baby just... came along, even your husband would eventually want to move.

Hahaha... I''m just teasing

But... it''s true. LoL. If you both want kids...

Women who do this cause themselves and their spouses nothing but problems and the child is the one who suffers. Having a child is a decision two adults should come to after much discussion and thought about their ability to parent, their willingness to have their lives changed and most importantly actions and words that evidence their desire to become parents. Your husband doesn''t seem to be in this place and it sounds like you two have some communication issues to work out before choosing to become parents (he says he wants XYZ or nothing and gets XYZ or nothing, no compromise involved, etc.).


If it''s something you really want, and he''s expressed similar desires but made no moves towards making it happen perhaps your best bet would be to sit down with a counselor or trusted pastor/rabbl/whatever and have a thorough discussion about it.

I was joking... hence my smilies and the "I''m just teasing."

 

[asscherisme]

I am so sorry you both don''t see eye to eye. Kids take BIG sacrafices. I have 4 of them and we ended up moving 1,000 miles away from family and freinds because my husband had a job offer he could not refuse. It is in a town with great schools and he makes a lot more money than his old job and cost of living is lower here.

Where we were living there was NO way we could have afforded to keep raising our kids there. We were busting out of our home and could not afford a larger one.

We want to send our 4 kids to college and by moving we are able to save for college and huge savings for retirement. We own an almost 4,000 SF home, fairly new with a finished basement for the same price we could not even find a townhouse in our old area.

I do admit to getting homesick and I posted a while back about a job opportunty that came up but realized that it would not be good for our financial health to move back at this point.

I understand east coast prices. I am from the DC area and prices there are out of cotrol. I mean out of control!! I grew up in Bethesda MD and our home that we live in now would be a 1.5M to 2M dollar home in Bethesda.

I definately miss it but my 4 kids are very happy, I can sleep at night knowing they are getting a great public school education, we live in a safe area in a beautiful home, and we are asaving for their future college AND our future retirment so we are never a burdon on them. I feel really great about that and when I get the waves of homesick and want to move home to Bethesda, I remind myself of WHY we moved.

Your husband is so set in his ways and thinking only of himself and thats very hard to be a parent in that frame of mind. If his biggest concern is living in a very specific area and shop in the same grocery store, its gonna be a hard leap to being a parent.

How old are you?

I could never have given up the opportunity to have kids. I was very lucky my husband and I were both on board but had he not agreed to kids or put them off and I was worried about not being a mom, I think I would have choosen single motherhood over him. I would never never have tricked him into a pregnancy but I would have told him that I needed to be a mom and if he was not on board I would need to do it alone.

Its easy to say that from my postion of having 4 kids and I feel bad you are in this situation.

But to say you can''t have kids now because you can''t afford a big enough home and he is unwilling to move to make that happen? Thats either selfish or your priorities are way way apart from each other.

I think your attitude is the attitude of someone who would be a great mom. I never saw myself living out of the DC area. I loved growing up there and being single there and living there overall. The area has SO much to offer. But its also off the charts expensive. So we moved.

Funny thing is kids are fliexible, its the adults that are rigid. I keep comparing where we live to Bethesda and yet my kids are happy here. We moved 2 years ago and my 10 year old and 8 year olds don''t miss Bethesda and have tons of frieneds and are happy. My 3 and 4 year olds don''t remember Bethesda.

 

[eks6426]

The size and quality of the house isn''t what makes a kid happy. If you really want kids, it is possible even in a small one bedroom apartment. Get a storage shed and move out everything that isn''t necessary to daily life. A kid through the preschool years doesn''t need his/her own room. If you are still in the same place, you could eventually partian off part of another room to make a small, private sleeping area for an older child (check out IKEA). The funny thing about this generation is they have a long lists of "must haves" for the kids when reality the kid really only needs basics plus loving parents.

That being said, I think you and your husband have different priorities in life and those need to be worked out before kids should ever be brought into your marriage. Perhaps some counseling to learn how to work together as a team and to learn better communication skills. Set some goals....and the ways to get to them. Get your book of life on the same page.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 3/26/2007 11:15:57 PM
Author: *Lindsey*

Date: 3/26/2007 10:42:24 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 3/26/2007 9:57:05 PM

Author: *Lindsey*

Umm well if a baby just... came along, even your husband would eventually want to move.

Hahaha... I''m just teasing

But... it''s true. LoL. If you both want kids...

Women who do this cause themselves and their spouses nothing but problems and the child is the one who suffers. Having a child is a decision two adults should come to after much discussion and thought about their ability to parent, their willingness to have their lives changed and most importantly actions and words that evidence their desire to become parents. Your husband doesn''t seem to be in this place and it sounds like you two have some communication issues to work out before choosing to become parents (he says he wants XYZ or nothing and gets XYZ or nothing, no compromise involved, etc.).


If it''s something you really want, and he''s expressed similar desires but made no moves towards making it happen perhaps your best bet would be to sit down with a counselor or trusted pastor/rabbl/whatever and have a thorough discussion about it.

I was joking... hence my smilies and the ''I''m just teasing.''

Lindsey,

I''m glad you were joking but some people might not see it that way (you''re final comment was "but...it''s true" not "just teasing"). The end result could be quite disasterous if someone took you seriously...and baby fever makes some women do crazy things. I know children who are the result of condoms having holes poked in them and forgotten birth control pills and I''ve never seen positive results within the parental relationship where these "Ooopsies!" have taken place.

I wasn''t rebutting your statement so much as reinforcing the importance of this being a decision two adults come to together.

 

[asscherisme]

I agree with the above. Its not the size of the house that makes for a happy childhood. But a noe bedroom apartment is not a long term solution for having a child either so they need some space beyond a one bedroom eventually. When my brother was born, my parents lived in a one bedroom and he spend the first year of his life with his crib in their walk in closet LOL. But he could not live in that closet forever (I''m laughing at the funny double meaning after I just typed that) but he needed more space that a closet.

My best friend lived in a studio apartmen twhen she got pregnant and they lived there until her child was 4 months old, eventually getting a small 2 bedroom apartment, 700 SF.

Big does not equal happy I agree! But priorities matching are important starting a family.

And I agree, secret pregancy when your partner thinks you are protected is beyond wrong but I know that that was said just in jest and i''m glad to see that others agree thats a baaaaaddddddd idea!

No child deserves to start life with a lie!