Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Awkward situation

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

CJ2008

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 31, 2006
Messages
4,750
So...

I met this woman at a networking event who prepares taxes for a living. She seemed like she knew what she was talking about so I set up an appointment with her over the phone.

I was a little bit hesitant at the beginning of the conversation because I didn''t realize she would be asking me a lot of very specific questions about how much money I made, etc. Now that may seem silly since she''s a tax preparer and that''s what they deal with, but in my mind, I was just going to be finding out a little bit more about how she works, etc.

I really should have told her "I don''t feel comfortable answering these questions yet" but I didn''t, so I answered a lot of them and hated every minute of it. Completely my fault. Anyway I started warming up to her about 30 minutes in because she did seem to know what she was talking about and pointed a couple of things about my previous tax return that made sense.

So I allowed the conversation to keep going because I wanted to see if I felt I could trust her - and I don''t know how, but we got into talking about having kids and how I''m not sure I want any, etc. We had a nice conversation but it ended up dragging almost a full two hours.

At one point she tells me how she can tell I''m a very genuine person and how she''d like to spend more time with me and be my friend. I kind of ignore the comment and kept on talking but then at the end of the call, she repeated it again. I told her I was flattered, thank you, but didn''t return the sentiment. It''s like what am I supposed to do with that?

I realize I may have fueled the fire by allowing the conversation to go into a personal nature - but I had no idea it would make her think I wanted to be "friends". Not to mention, I hate the phone, and I don''t do even 10 minute conversations, much less 2 hour ones, unless it''s something out of the ordinary. I ended up telling her I had an appointment and had to go, otherwise I think she would have stayed on the phone.

So now I''m kind of turned off to using her to prepare my taxes because I feel it has gone beyond business. Then there are times when I think I should be able to still use her since she''ll probably be very good and I should just deal with the friends thing as it comes - but I can just picture going to her home office and having her turn it into a chatting feast or doing that on the phone too and I dread even the thought of that. But now I''m feeling like damn - why did I tell her all that stuff about my finances if I end up not even using her, you know? I hate people knowing my business!

So I''m just wondering what you guys would do...
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
If you''re not comfortable using her...cancel the appointment and put her number in your cell phone under "DO NOT ANSWER!!".

Don''t feel bound to show up...you owe her nothing.
 

CJ2008

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 31, 2006
Messages
4,750
Thanks Italia...

I don''t feel like I "owe her" anything in that respect...

It''s just a little awkward all around - since now she knows my business, and I''m sure I''ll run into her at these events...

I don''t have an appointment with her - the next step was to set one up so that me and DH could go see her together...

I was just wondering if you guys thought what happened was weird, and whether it would turn you guys off too, or if it just isn''t enough to not use her...
 

Ellen

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 13, 2006
Messages
24,426
Date: 1/31/2009 10:16:00 AM
Author: CJ2008
Thanks Italia...

I don't feel like I 'owe her' anything in that respect...

It's just a little awkward all around - since now she knows my business, and I'm sure I'll run into her at these events...

I don't have an appointment with her - the next step was to set one up so that me and DH could go see her together...

I was just wondering if you guys thought what happened was weird, and whether it would turn you guys off too, or if it just isn't enough to not use her...
Yes, and yes. I wouldn't call back, wouldn't answer her if she calls, and find someone else. If she straight out asks why you didn't set up an appt. (if you would run into her), it's time to fib. Tell her unbeknownst to you, DH found someone and that's who you're going with.

The uneasy feeling you got was your gut telling you something.
It was weird.
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,511
In one of my former lives, I answered phones for a living. It is amazing how many INTIMATE details people will give a COMPLETE stranger about their personal lives. Of course I listened, even though it was not in my job description... I just hate to be the meanie pants who is like... and can we get back to business here? Now did any of them ask to be my friend... no, but I did allow things to turn a little more personal in nature because... well I just think that is the human in ourselves coming out. I would not feel bad at all, in this situation. You had a brief (well I wouldn''t call 2 hrs brief) exchange under the business umbrella. You must give off a wonderful vibe that made her want to be your friend, and yes, it is good to be flattered... but it does not make you obligated... just think... isn''t this how this started out??


the cable guy.jpg
 

somethingshiny

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2007
Messages
6,746
I understand. When we started looking for a house, I called one of the numbers on a "for sale" sign of a house I wanted to see. She was very knowledgeable and seemed to have a good understanding of her business and what we wanted. The first conversation was too long for me, but since I had never dealt with the circumstances before and because it made sense that she should be somewhat personal, I let it go on. We met up with her a couple three times and each time it got worse. Soon, she knew that our little boy was having surgery (he was going to the showings with us) and she was bringing her dogs to house showings. I realized it made me extremely uncomfortable so I just didn''t call her again. We ended up with an agent who knew what our wants and needs were, was kind and helpful, but DEFINITELY not a friend. It was hard for me to "sever ties" with her because I''m usually a very kind person, but it just didn''t feel right.

My point is, I wish I wouldn''t have continued after the initial "too long" phone call. Yes, she was very capable but it was just weird.
 

neatfreak

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2007
Messages
14,167
Date: 1/31/2009 11:17:57 AM
Author: tlh
In one of my former lives, I answered phones for a living. It is amazing how many INTIMATE details people will give a COMPLETE stranger about their personal lives.
People are totally weird in this way! I''m a researcher and occasionally do interviews when we are doing data collection and it''s AMAZING what people will volunteer about their sex lives, finances, marriages, etc. I guess to be fair we already are asking them questions about these topics, but people often go far far far into TMI territory.
 

CJ2008

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 31, 2006
Messages
4,750
Thanks everyone, part of me felt like I may have been overreacting, that it wasn''t that weird...

Part of the reason I allowed the conversation to keep going was because I didn''t want to be mean and cut her off in the middle of a personal detail...

And I would be feeling a LOT less weird about this whole thing had I not revealed all kinds of things about my finances.

One good thing is that she knows DH is happy with his own CPA and I did tell her I was going to have to see how he would feel about switching - so I could always just use him as an excuse, something to the effect of "I talked it over with DH and he does not want us to change CPA''s for now...thank you for your time" or something like that...I''m thinking that approach is more "secure" than not following up and just letting it die...

I don''t remember the movie The Cable Guy but I can guess what it''s all about...and I would hope she doesn''t somehow try to convince me to use her services or clings to me when I run into her at these networking events.
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 2, 2006
Messages
10,191
Since you seem to like her on a professional level, you also have the option of going with her but letting her know up front that you want to limit the meeting to the information needed to complete your your tax returns. You'll probably run into similar people in other situations, including some in which running is not an option. In other words, you could use this as a way of exercising your own boudary-setting skills.
 

CJ2008

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 31, 2006
Messages
4,750
VR - that is an excellent point and probably the one I''m really struggling with...I think my DH sees the situation like you do in some respects...since I can learn a lot from her I think he''s trying to push me (gently) to see if I can use her but deal with the other things that come up.

I have a really hard time setting boundaries in certain instances - so usually I just avoid the situation all together.

It would be really difficult to tell her that though, won''t it? Not to mention, she might then not want to work with me because she might feel really embarrassed...

This would be a challenge, for sure...
 

AmberGretchen

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 6, 2005
Messages
7,770
Honestly, if she makes you feel that uncomfortable I don''t think you should use her in a professional capacity either. I like the idea of using your DH as an excuse - that way its not personal, but you don''t have to deal with her anymore. I feel like people who are professionals and are offering me a service, if they make me uncomfortable, that''s usually a deal-breaker for me - IMO, she was being inappropriate by saying those personal things and that would make me super uncomfortable, so I think you are better off walking away.
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 2, 2006
Messages
10,191
Date: 1/31/2009 2:57:39 PM
Author: AmberGretchen
Honestly, if she makes you feel that uncomfortable I don''t think you should use her in a professional capacity either. I like the idea of using your DH as an excuse - that way its not personal, but you don''t have to deal with her anymore. I feel like people who are professionals and are offering me a service, if they make me uncomfortable, that''s usually a deal-breaker for me - IMO, she was being inappropriate by saying those personal things and that would make me super uncomfortable, so I think you are better off walking away.
Actually CJ, I posted my initial response on a gut reaction. In trying to respond to your response (
)! I re-read your original post and I''m changing my suggestion. Her questions about possibly becoming friends don''t leave you much room to maneuver and would make any suggestion you might make about limiting the discussion awkward at best.

In other words, ditto AG.

Walking away might just be the best way to practice setting boundaries in this situation!
 

CJ2008

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 31, 2006
Messages
4,750
Yeah...I''m trying to see if I could learn something from what has happened ALREADY...

And that is to always pay attention to what I feel inside and to speak up - to not answer questions just because they''re being asked...although I''ve tried to learn this but it doesn''t work unless I have a feeling in ADVANCE that the person might ask me questions I''m not comfortable with.

I do want to clarify that I fueled the fire as far as going personal with the conversation because when she mentioned she had her first and only daughter at 39, I said something to the effect that it was interesting she mentioned that since that''s something I''m struggling with right now and it''s always good to see other women have children AND run a business - but it was really innocent on my part, we''re two adults, my perspective was more on the you CAN run a business and have children - I didn''t intend to get into a deep discussion about it. And then of course when she started advising me I didn''t feel right cutting off the conversation.

But regardless, she was too quick to take the conversation deep - and if she had NOT come right out and told me she wanted to spend time with me (TWICE) I wouldn''t be feeling so weird. But with everything combined, it''s just too much. It''ll probably bring me on more headaches than it''s worth, even though she seems like a very nice woman.

Anyway - thanks for all your perspectives, I was kind of going back and forth on this one.
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
I think that it''s strange that she asked you about being friends while she was working-a bit too weird for me personally. I''d use the DH excuse too. Listen to your gut feelings.
 

Rhea

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 20, 2007
Messages
6,238
Since she has so much information about you and you might run into her again I''d go ahead and call her and let her know that you won''t be using you. It could get more uncomfortable if she keeps calling you or flat out asks you again when you aren''t expecting it.
 

CJ2008

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 31, 2006
Messages
4,750
I do plan on letting her know it's a no-go...but would it be too cowardly to email her instead of calling?

ETA: instead of "cowardly" let's say acceptable - because aside from not wanting to tell her on the phone, I really do hate the phone and we DID use email to communicate...so it wouldn't look out of the blue for me to send her an email...
 

Rhea

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 20, 2007
Messages
6,238
I''d use email. You can think about what you want to say and make sure it comes across right.
 

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,198
I agree with AG. And ditto email.

I negotiate a large number of contracts on a daily basis and most people know the 'rules' of these transactions, but occassionally I'll get opposing counsel who are just... weird. Now, in a social setting I'm a chatty Kathy, but not while negotiating. Just before our wedding I was on the phone with these women that were just... they made me SO uncomfortable, and I knew it was a negotiation tactic, make me uncomfortable and I'll want to close quicker (actually made me more preversely stubborn, but I'm like that). One of my co-workers mentioned I was going to be out for a few weeks so we needed to close by x date, which led to them asking WHY, then my coworker said wedding and... WEDDING! OMFG these women were just freaking nosey, one of them ended the call with telling me I HAD to send her a wedding photo because she HAS to see my dress. ICK. And then a couple of months later I had to negotate another contract with them and I was like NO, NO, NO. I kept everything to email, except for one phone call they ambushed me with, and even then I faked an appointment. And these were BIG LAW firm lawyers. Ridiculously nosey and just made me SO freaking uncomfortable. So unprofessional. I felt like I needed a bath, still do.

Trust your gut.
 

CJ2008

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 31, 2006
Messages
4,750
Date: 2/2/2009 5:08:16 AM
Author: Gypsy
I agree with AG. And ditto email.

I negotiate a large number of contracts on a daily basis and most people know the ''rules'' of these transactions, but occassionally I''ll get opposing counsel who are just... weird. Now, in a social setting I''m a chatty Kathy, but not while negotiating. Just before our wedding I was on the phone with these women that were just... they made me SO uncomfortable, and I knew it was a negotiation tactic, make me uncomfortable and I''ll want to close quicker (actually made me more preversely stubborn, but I''m like that). One of my co-workers mentioned I was going to be out for a few weeks so we needed to close by x date, which led to them asking WHY, then my coworker said wedding and... WEDDING! OMFG these women were just freaking nosey, one of them ended the call with telling me I HAD to send her a wedding photo because she HAS to see my dress. ICK. And then a couple of months later I had to negotate another contract with them and I was like NO, NO, NO. I kept everything to email, except for one phone call they ambushed me with, and even then I faked an appointment. And these were BIG LAW firm lawyers. Ridiculously nosey and just made me SO freaking uncomfortable. So unprofessional. I felt like I needed a bath, still do.

Trust your gut.
I cracked up when I read this...reminded me of the Amy Winehouse song...

Thanks, guys, email it will be.

And that IS how it feels...like you need a bath...like your privacy/safety bubble has been poked.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.

New posts

Top