Attending reception and not the ceremony?

[minousbijoux]

Very true. Think I'm just complaining because I don't want to go and was hoping someone would agree with me so I could show DH and be like "see the internet says I'm right!"

i also feel strongly about having a gap like that. We aren't allowed to stay at the venue so it's just irritating. since I've never met them I'm probably forming an unfair opinion of them based on that.

Hah, love your honesty! Good luck whatever you decide

 

[chemgirl]

chemgirl,

I see you've already decided to attend both, which is what I would do.
As far as your DH not knowing the bride's name, well, he is a man.
Perhaps the groom-to-be just said GF or FI, as opposed to referring to her by name.

I see you mentioned there's a mall nearby.
Have lunch with your DH and call it a mini-date?

Cambridge may be nowhere near where you'll be but, as an example, the Cambridge Butterfly Conservatory is small but lovely (there's a cafe on-site, although I didn't have time to check it out).

For me, having a hectic week and looking forward to a relaxing day, only to have that plan tossed out, would not make me happy.

I hope you're pleasantly surprised and have a great time, and meet some interesting people.

Haha I've actually been to the Cambridge butterfly conservatory! We had our anniversary at Langdon Hall this year.

The wedding is the Scarborough/Pickering area so mall is all I'm really familiar with over there. Still should be fine.

 

[Missy]

Seriously you're lucky! I secretly do a happy dance whenever a coworker, distant relative, or acquaintance gets married and doesn't invite me. With weddings most weekends in the summer, my fun budget is shot!

I don't mind at all for people we are close with, but 400 person weddings where we barely know the couple? Ugh.

I agree but that's why I don't accept invitations if I am not close with the person who is getting married. I hate socializing with people I barely know but if I care about the person I show up to both. Here it is common to have a gap b.w ceremony and reception in the Catholic weddings. Of course it is inconvenient but for the friends whose invitations I accepted I attended both because they are important to me and believe me it would be noticed if you don't attend both.

I'm sorry because you are not close with either of the couple and your dh seems just more like work friends with the groom. If I was in this situation I would have declined the invite and sent a gift. That is what I generally do.

And yes here it is the same. $300 minimum. We had a thread about that once and I remember a great number of PSers disagreed with "covering your plate" at minimum but it is social convention here on the east coast in the tristate area at least...and of course one is free to do what one wants but this is what most people do.

I hope you end up having a good time anyway and maybe look for a shopping outlet to fill in the time? Nothing puts me in a better mood and makes the time fly as shopping and finding great buys!

 

[Arkteia]

Today is working day, so I can't even understand if the wedding/ceremony is on Friday, or (if you live in another part of the world), it is going to be for Saturday?

But either way - taking the whole day off for the event for people you barely know is hard. I would not be able to do it on weekdays (work) and it would be very difficult to do on weekends (kid's life and important activities).

I assume everyone has busy days, working or not, having kids or not, so it does not seem impolite or even inconsiderate to skip the ceremony and just attend the reception - especially since you are bringing a monetary gift.

 

[t-c]

And yes here it is the same. $300 minimum. We had a thread about that once and I remember a great number of PSers disagreed with "covering your plate" at minimum but it is social convention here on the east coast in the tristate area at least...and of course one is free to do what one wants but this is what most people do.

Do people just give cash nowadays? What about the wedding registry? I'm a fan of buying off a registry -- I select something I like that I know the couple wants.

 

[december-fire]

Haha I've actually been to the Cambridge butterfly conservatory! We had our anniversary at Langdon Hall this year.

The wedding is the Scarborough/Pickering area so mall is all I'm really familiar with over there. Still should be fine.

Oooh, just googled Langdon Hall! Looks lovely!

Also searched Scarborough Pickering attractions and one of the items that came up was the Rosetta McClain Gardens; might be nice for a stroll/snuggle with your DH on a park bench.

Rosetta McClain Garden link:
http://www.todocanada.ca/city/toronto/listing/rosetta-mcclain-gardens/

http://www.todocanada.ca/things-to-do-in-scarborough-toronto-ontario/

Of course, there's also the Toronto Zoo, but it would involve more walking and comfortable shoes.

 

[Elizabeth35]

I don't know if people are having the large time gaps to allow for photography or if it is due to the times available for weddings at the church/temple.

It's too bad folks are so locked into the traditional dinner/dance evening reception.
I think it would be more fun to do a luncheon/appetizer reception immediately following an early afternoon wedding. Or a champagne brunch following a 10AM wedding. But I guess many people want the dancing and huge party.

One of the best weddings I attended was in a small chapel at 1 PM with cocktails, heavy appetizers at a restaurant next door with a string quartet softly playing. It was about an hour and a half and they finished up with cake. It was different, pretty, and made sense for everyone. The food was so much better than a banquet hall too!
Added bonus is that there were no drunk people--lol.

 

[KaeKae]

I've always thought that when there is several hours gap between the ceremony and reception, that it's understood that some guests who live far away, and are not close friends or family, will attend the reception only.

I should add, that fortunately, I've never had to consider doing this, it's only what I've heard from others.

 

[chemgirl]

Do people just give cash nowadays? What about the wedding registry? I'm a fan of buying off a registry -- I select something I like that I know the couple wants.

At least here, registries are for the shower and weddings are usually cash. A few people still bring gifts to the wedding, but I would say probably less than 10%.

 

[chemgirl]

Oooh, just googled Langdon Hall! Looks lovely!

Also searched Scarborough Pickering attractions and one of the items that came up was the Rosetta McClain Gardens; might be nice for a stroll/snuggle with your DH on a park bench.

Rosetta McClain Garden link:
http://www.todocanada.ca/city/toronto/listing/rosetta-mcclain-gardens/

http://www.todocanada.ca/things-to-do-in-scarborough-toronto-ontario/

Of course, there's also the Toronto Zoo, but it would involve more walking and comfortable shoes.

Thank you! The garden looks lovely! We will bring a change of clothes and have a casual afternoon.

Have been to the zoo enough for my lifetime. I had an aunt who would take me all of the time. It was fun, but I'm good!

 

[OoohShiny]

Cambridge, Scarborough, Pickering... This is all very confusing for us Brits as all those places are a very long way from each other over here... lol

 

[Austina]

Must be just us Brits then, because no way would I attend a wedding of someone I barely knew, then have to kick my heels for hours between ceremony and reception

Weddings seem to go on forever these days, with people going way over the top to impress, and getting themselves in to debt, over what is essentially a few hours out of their lifetime together.

Without wishing to offend, I just don't get the whole 'shower' thing either, when we attend a wedding, we take a gift, (either from the wedding list, or after consultation with the B&G) and frankly if someone expected me to cover my plate, then don't bother inviting me. I'd rather spend my money on a meal of my choice with people I want to spend time with. Wedding fayre here is usually cardboard chicken or something equally unappetising.

Can you tell I'm not a fan of going to weddings?

 

[msop04]

...I don't mind at all for people we are close with, but 400 person weddings where we barely know the couple? Ugh.

If this is one of those huge weddings, they will NEVER NOTICE if you're not there... there's no way they can see who is or is not there. I mean, COME ON!

 

[chemgirl]

So DH went to the ceremony and I will be joining him by train later today.

I'm in a marathon next month and I had an 8 mile training run this morning. By the time I finished the run and stretched and foam rolled there was no way I would be ready by 10:30.

Yes I'm a jerk.

 

[monarch64]

No, you're not a jerk. You have a life that doesn't stop for someone else's ENTIRE DAY AND NIGHT EVENT. I think it's very nice of you to make it to the 5:00 reception, period.

I'm sorry, I have just become a wedding Scrooge after being asked so many (countless really) times to cover my plate, to show up to multiple showers, parties, etc. then basically give up a lot of time so someone could either go into debt to be queen/king for a day or make sure they received enough monetary gifts that the guests footed the bill for the entire thing. My final straw was 3 years ago, when we'd RSVPd yes to some barn wedding in the middle of nowhere. My grandmother passed away a few days prior and her funeral was the same day as this wedding. I re-read the "instructions" in the invitation when we were getting ready to leave to attend this thing, and discovered we had to park at a high school and then be "shuttled" by a WAGON (like a hayride wagon) to the barn, about a mile away. NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE. We sent a gift and stayed in that night. A wagon! Saw the young couple later that summer at another wedding, gave them my best and apologized face to face about our absence. They both looked at us like they didn't even know we weren't there. Two early-twenty-somethings who planned their wedding around their age group/interests without regard to all the other bankrollers they invited. Barf.

 

[junebug17]

You're not a jerk! I haven't read all the responses but I think you actually came up with a great solution - sounds like dh was feeling funny about not going, so he was able to make an appearance and you were able to do your training.

 

[chemgirl]

Must be just us Brits then, because no way would I attend a wedding of someone I barely knew, then have to kick my heels for hours between ceremony and reception

Weddings seem to go on forever these days, with people going way over the top to impress, and getting themselves in to debt, over what is essentially a few hours out of their lifetime together.

Without wishing to offend, I just don't get the whole 'shower' thing either, when we attend a wedding, we take a gift, (either from the wedding list, or after consultation with the B&G) and frankly if someone expected me to cover my plate, then don't bother inviting me. I'd rather spend my money on a meal of my choice with people I want to spend time with. Wedding fayre here is usually cardboard chicken or something equally unappetising.

Can you tell I'm not a fan of going to weddings?

The gifting expectation is out of hand for sure. For most weddings we have a shower with gift from $50-$100, a stag and doe (not a hen party or bachelor or bachelorette, that's something else entirely) where a couple spends $200 ish, and then the wedding at $250-300.

I loath stag and doe parties and refuse to attend them. They are fundraising parties where guests buy tickets to attend, pay for their own drink (and sometimes food) and then pay to play games for prizes. It's expected that the winners of said prizes donate them back to the happy couple. The worst part is every Facebook friend, coworker, random from highschool, is expected to attend these parties. It'd not limited to people who are actually invited to the wedding. Sorry, but nope.

Much prefer low key, intimate weddings without all of the extra.

 

[Bonfire]

If this wedding ceremony and reception seems rude and an inconvenience for you, why RSVP that you will attend? If this is such a hardship for you why didn't you just politely decline and send a modest gift? This is a couple's wedding for god's sakes, and how they chose to plan the event was not meant to inconvenience their guests. This is their day not yours. If you aren't interested in being apart of their celebration then you really had no business accepting the invitation.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I agree that I would have declined the invitation, but it worked out great that only your husband went to the ceremony. I only attend if a wedding is for someone I love or their children. I think the huge gap is sooo inconsiderate of everyone, especially out of town guests. Thankfully in the south, the expectation usually is to be invited to a shower (and again, I'd only attend if it is someone I care about), and a wedding gift of maybe $100 on average. We did talk about this before, but the expectation of "covering your plate" is like having others pay for the reception, and thankfully, I have never seen or heard of that where I live.

 

[LLJsmom]

Very true. Think I'm just complaining because I don't want to go and was hoping someone would agree with me so I could show DH and be like "see the internet says I'm right!"

i also feel strongly about having a gap like that. We aren't allowed to stay at the venue so it's just irritating. since I've never met them I'm probably forming an unfair opinion of them based on that.

I know exactly how you feel and would probably feel the same way in your shoes. I agree with your DH. It is rude. I also think that the bride and groom would never notice so...no harm done??? I would be tempted not to bother with the wedding but would probably go to make DH happy. I would just bring my Sudoku book and find a quiet place to hide by myself for a few hours. Trying to socialize with complete strangers for four hours would completely deplete me.

 

[Missy]

Do people just give cash nowadays? What about the wedding registry? I'm a fan of buying off a registry -- I select something I like that I know the couple wants.

I think it is more dependent on where you live and your social circles. In our case, yes, the majority of couples getting married want cash as that is most useful for them in starting their new life together. Honestly (IMO) a gift is for the people we are giving it to so what they want is my top concern vs what *I* prefer to give if that makes sense. So for weddings we attend that is what we do. We give cash and that is a minimum of $300 no matter where the wedding is or how much it cost. It's just the norm here. We have gone up quite a bit depending on the couple and the relationship we have with them. The closer we are to the couple the more we give.

However t-c, since you know the couples whose weddings you are attending and know the gift you are selecting is one they want that is a perfect gift for them so there is no universal right or wrong. It depends on the couple you are giving the gift to so people and gifts vary and there is no one perfect gift for all and that includes cash gifts.

Chemgirl so glad you found the right solution for you. A win win. Your dh attends both and you get to attend the reception. Perfect solution for you guys.

 

[t-c]

@missy among my and DH's friends, most specify "no gifts", including money. We generally didn't marry until we were established, so we already had the household things and the money to pay for the wedding (or no one was silly enough to have a wedding they needed to go in debt for). One benefit was not having to write thank you notes; a simple thank you for coming during the speeches covered it.

 

[chemgirl]

Well that was interesting.

There wasn't a single gift on the gift table so I guess it was all cash. Of the guests under 40, I would say about half only stayed for a 1-2 hour chunk of the reception and then left. They either grabbed a few drinks or ate part of the meal and then bailed. Was a bit shocked about that one.

It did work out well for us though because we were seated with a group of much older random people (the bride's parent's neighbor at their Florida condo, the groom's father's client etc). We recognized several other couples who all knew each other, but were seated apart for whatever reason. One poor couple was at the kid's table (and were pretty upset about it). Anyway with so many people grabbing a drink and leaving, there were empty seats and a few completely empty tables we all managed to move and sit together (also rude I know). Made for a fun night of catching up anyway.

 

[ringbling17]

We actually experienced something similar recently. We were invited to my husband's distant cousin's wedding/reception in Boston during Memorial Day Weekend. We live in South Jersey, so essentially it would be a 6+ hours drive with four kids.
My husband insisted on going and I insisted we did not. First, he's only met his cousin twice and both times when we happened to go to Boston for vacation. It's not like they were close or anything. We even went to Boston last summer and didn't see him or his fiancée then.
Second, we were never invited to anything else, like the bride's engagement party or bridal shower even though we saw pictures of my husband's other family members attending.
Third, it would be too expensive. To have to drive, spend at least the whole weekend over there during a national holiday when hotels are even more expensive than normal, plus buy dresses, not just for me but for my kids too.
I told him we would have to spend minimum $1000 just to go and then he wanted to give them $500 for a gift as well (bc he's family?!?).
I said no. End of story!

 

[Austina]

I do think that sometimes people just don't take into consideration the financial burden it puts on the attendees. There's a craze here for people getting married abroad. This means that often young couples have to use their annual holidays to attend the wedding, not to mention the cost of the flights and accommodation at the venue (usually inflated so the bride and groom get a better deal on the package!) plus new outfits.

We were invited to a wedding last summer, our DS's best friends. It took us 2 hours to get there, we stayed for 2 hours, then a 2 hour drive home, plus extortionate parking charges as it was in the city of London. I really didn't want to go, we were quite happy to give them a generous cash gift, we've known him over 30 years, but it was a total drag!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Here I often see people skip the ceremony, especially if it's a huge gap like that. I have a toddler, even if it was family I'm not going to have my kid with a babysitter for an entire day, that's just too much. Generally people understand, we all have lives. Most of the weddings I have attended have had the ceremony on site and then we all rolled right into the party.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Just to give a different point of view regarding the gap:
Where I live (Germany and France), you are usually expected to change outfits between ceremony and reception or reception and dinner (in some social circles between the three). So some kind of gap is needed and welcome for the guests to change/freshen up/nap.
Usually dinner and dance will go on until well after midnight. If people go home before, it's a sign the party really sucked...

Food is expected to be excellent, champagne for drinks.
Gifts are way more modest than in the US (around 100€ / couple, maybe more if you're in the parents' generation). No showers.
So people tend to invite fewer people, who, in turn, usually attend.
But it's clear that you'll be spending the entire day (and usually the first hours of the next day ).