Just so everyone knows, I am a regular member of this site, I just registered for another name for the sake of being discreet.
So I am coming here, seeking advice on a tricky situation. It involved my closest friend in the world, and completely has me at a loss as to what I should do...
Background Information:
My friend, whom we''ll call L, and I have been bff''s since we were in third grade, and are now in our mid twenties. Our friendship hasn''t always been smooth sailing, but we''re more like sisters--and even if we go for extended periods of time without talking, eventually we make up, and things fall right back into place.
L and I were both raised in a wealthy suburb of a larger city. Our parents were white collar professionals who afforded us every advantage in life. We were very blessed, to say the least. L''s parents divorced when she was young, but both parents went on to remarry...L grew up living with her Mom and Step Dad (whom, BTW, treated her just like she was his own). L also maintained a very strong relationship with her biological Dad, who was everpresent in her life.
L graduated HS with honors and went on to a good college. During her freshman year, L met a guy, R...whom, to say the least, wasn''t what any of us "expected". He grew up in a small town located in Southern part of our state. He had very little education to speak of, and worked at the time at a Country Club bussing tables. But love, is love, is love...and she really cared for this guy immediately.
L''s grades suffered at school due inpart to her budding romance, and she actually missed a final to be with him--and at the very beginning of summer vacation that year, ran away from her parents home to move in with in him in his small town. While everyone was shocked and devasted because this wasn''t the responsible, mature L we all knew, but eventually everyone came around. About that time we all adjusted to fact that L had decided on a different path for herself, R kicked L out of his house. L''s step father drove down in the middle of the night to collect her and bring her home heart broken, to say the least.
L spent several week reeling over the loss of her first love...but eventually began to disclose details of their relationship. Apparently, R had been "carrying on" with a girl in the apartment above them, as well as other girls around town...R had actually had a night terror once and L woke up to R choking her. R, L explained, was very cold to her most of time...and abused their relationship with cheating, and verbal insults often.
Once L was open with what actually happened inside their romance, she seemed to have an easier time moving forward, and by the end of the summer was preparing to return to college (although on academic probation). The R called. Unbenounced to us, R had actually been calling a lot--and making noises about "missing her" and "wanting to come visit". As it would turn out, he did just that...
One night, after having a secret converation for several hours, R got into his car and headed for our little suburb. L snuck out her home, leaving a note she was meeting me for coffee. While in actually, the two love birds shacked up at a Days Inn. L turned off her phone, and two of them holed up in the motel for nearly 2 days.
We were all frantic. No one knew where L was, although we all knew she had been chatting with guys online. We all thought we''d never see again, and she was probably dead in some ditch. We filed a missing persons report...phoned her CC company to look for recent charges, and eventually tracked her and R down.
L''s parents literally dragged her from the motel room...and R fled back to his small town. L ended up, at midnight, taking a cab to the train station and running away once again to R. However, this time, it stuck. Eventually L got pregnant with a little baby girl, and R purposed marriage. The two wed in a small, but sweet wedding ceremony and started, what seemed at the time, like happily ever after.
Shortly after their daughter was born, R picked up a serious addiction to crack cocaine. He actually spent their daughters college fund (which her parents set up) on drugs and went on several serious benders. He eventually mixed the drug with alcohol, and gambling...and soon the young couple were in ruins. L was heartbroken and terrified, they had no money, a small baby, and her husband was a wreck with serious addictions. She saw no other choice but to divorce him. And, she did. However, as bold and brave as that sounds, she did say that if he sought help and got clean, she would remarry him. And, she did that too.
R seemed to have cleaned up his act for a while. He was nicer to be around, finally landed a good job, and they were happily living with his parents to make life easier. L, finished her BA and is currently pursuing her Masters. Their life, for a while, was really good. Their daughter is a slice of heaven and smart...and L adores being a Mom, although both R and L agreed that one child was enough.
Until recently, I though things finally had sorted themselves out. But, R has begun acting up again.
Drinking has always been a sever weakness for R. He becomes very immature, irresponsible, and careless. The weekend of L''s college graduation we all went to a nice hotel to party and celebrate. We hit the bar, danced, had a few drinks, and retired to bed. At some point in the middle of the night, R snuck out of his hotel room and disappeared. He didn''t return until the next morning around 6am--trashed. To this day, no one knows where he went or who he was with (the bar closed at 2am). A few weeks before Christmas, the same year, R gets pulled over and charged with a DUI. Not to mention the countless other little "incidents" he''s subjected his wife and child to.
L, in hopes of saving her marriage, makes R see a doctor ... not a specialist, but their regular family doctor, who diagonises R with bipolar disorder. The prescribe some medication...and L crosses her fingers.
For a few weeks, R straightens himself up and flies right. But slowly, he seeps back into his old ways...drinking, not coming home, blowing her off. But now, he claims these are "manic" episodes. However, his manic episodes somehow only manage to happen on the weekends when he should be spending time with his family
.
In accumulated a few weeks back when R disappeared for a few days. Apparently, he took $500.00 from their joint checking account and made the bar rounds and (driving, mind you) also visited several strip clubs. This, was their bill money.
L kicked R out of the house...and R went to stay with his cousins...which is, as discribed to me, a party all the time anyway. L began talking about divorce, but mentioned several times how "ashamed" or "embarrassed" she should be...because she married him twice after all.
Eventually L lets R come home, and hauls him off to couples therapy. I''m all for it...I think its great...but now it''s like nothing he''s done before even matters.
So...
I guess the point of my posting is, what should I do? In my opinion, from what I have observed, this guy is ruining my friend. He is making a fool out of her. I''m all for honoring your vow (sickness and in health), but I think now he just has a crutch for his bad behavior (hence it only happening on the weekends, which I find suspicious).
My friend L is the type of person who hates to hear things she doesn''t want to...so I know if I tell her I think her DH is bad news, she''ll be super mad. But I also feel like a fraud when I encourage her to work on her marriage--when in reality, I hate that she''s being treated this way.
If she left, I''d offered to rent her an apartment, give her money, get her back on her feet...I mean, shes like a sister, I''d do anything for her. But at the same time, I don''t feel like it''s my place to say "leave him now!".
I don''t know what to do...because I can be kind and dishonest...or I can be honest and unkind. Please, kind smart PS ladies, help me!
So I am coming here, seeking advice on a tricky situation. It involved my closest friend in the world, and completely has me at a loss as to what I should do...
Background Information:
My friend, whom we''ll call L, and I have been bff''s since we were in third grade, and are now in our mid twenties. Our friendship hasn''t always been smooth sailing, but we''re more like sisters--and even if we go for extended periods of time without talking, eventually we make up, and things fall right back into place.
L and I were both raised in a wealthy suburb of a larger city. Our parents were white collar professionals who afforded us every advantage in life. We were very blessed, to say the least. L''s parents divorced when she was young, but both parents went on to remarry...L grew up living with her Mom and Step Dad (whom, BTW, treated her just like she was his own). L also maintained a very strong relationship with her biological Dad, who was everpresent in her life.
L graduated HS with honors and went on to a good college. During her freshman year, L met a guy, R...whom, to say the least, wasn''t what any of us "expected". He grew up in a small town located in Southern part of our state. He had very little education to speak of, and worked at the time at a Country Club bussing tables. But love, is love, is love...and she really cared for this guy immediately.
L''s grades suffered at school due inpart to her budding romance, and she actually missed a final to be with him--and at the very beginning of summer vacation that year, ran away from her parents home to move in with in him in his small town. While everyone was shocked and devasted because this wasn''t the responsible, mature L we all knew, but eventually everyone came around. About that time we all adjusted to fact that L had decided on a different path for herself, R kicked L out of his house. L''s step father drove down in the middle of the night to collect her and bring her home heart broken, to say the least.
L spent several week reeling over the loss of her first love...but eventually began to disclose details of their relationship. Apparently, R had been "carrying on" with a girl in the apartment above them, as well as other girls around town...R had actually had a night terror once and L woke up to R choking her. R, L explained, was very cold to her most of time...and abused their relationship with cheating, and verbal insults often.
Once L was open with what actually happened inside their romance, she seemed to have an easier time moving forward, and by the end of the summer was preparing to return to college (although on academic probation). The R called. Unbenounced to us, R had actually been calling a lot--and making noises about "missing her" and "wanting to come visit". As it would turn out, he did just that...
One night, after having a secret converation for several hours, R got into his car and headed for our little suburb. L snuck out her home, leaving a note she was meeting me for coffee. While in actually, the two love birds shacked up at a Days Inn. L turned off her phone, and two of them holed up in the motel for nearly 2 days.
We were all frantic. No one knew where L was, although we all knew she had been chatting with guys online. We all thought we''d never see again, and she was probably dead in some ditch. We filed a missing persons report...phoned her CC company to look for recent charges, and eventually tracked her and R down.
L''s parents literally dragged her from the motel room...and R fled back to his small town. L ended up, at midnight, taking a cab to the train station and running away once again to R. However, this time, it stuck. Eventually L got pregnant with a little baby girl, and R purposed marriage. The two wed in a small, but sweet wedding ceremony and started, what seemed at the time, like happily ever after.
Shortly after their daughter was born, R picked up a serious addiction to crack cocaine. He actually spent their daughters college fund (which her parents set up) on drugs and went on several serious benders. He eventually mixed the drug with alcohol, and gambling...and soon the young couple were in ruins. L was heartbroken and terrified, they had no money, a small baby, and her husband was a wreck with serious addictions. She saw no other choice but to divorce him. And, she did. However, as bold and brave as that sounds, she did say that if he sought help and got clean, she would remarry him. And, she did that too.
R seemed to have cleaned up his act for a while. He was nicer to be around, finally landed a good job, and they were happily living with his parents to make life easier. L, finished her BA and is currently pursuing her Masters. Their life, for a while, was really good. Their daughter is a slice of heaven and smart...and L adores being a Mom, although both R and L agreed that one child was enough.
Until recently, I though things finally had sorted themselves out. But, R has begun acting up again.
Drinking has always been a sever weakness for R. He becomes very immature, irresponsible, and careless. The weekend of L''s college graduation we all went to a nice hotel to party and celebrate. We hit the bar, danced, had a few drinks, and retired to bed. At some point in the middle of the night, R snuck out of his hotel room and disappeared. He didn''t return until the next morning around 6am--trashed. To this day, no one knows where he went or who he was with (the bar closed at 2am). A few weeks before Christmas, the same year, R gets pulled over and charged with a DUI. Not to mention the countless other little "incidents" he''s subjected his wife and child to.
L, in hopes of saving her marriage, makes R see a doctor ... not a specialist, but their regular family doctor, who diagonises R with bipolar disorder. The prescribe some medication...and L crosses her fingers.
For a few weeks, R straightens himself up and flies right. But slowly, he seeps back into his old ways...drinking, not coming home, blowing her off. But now, he claims these are "manic" episodes. However, his manic episodes somehow only manage to happen on the weekends when he should be spending time with his family
In accumulated a few weeks back when R disappeared for a few days. Apparently, he took $500.00 from their joint checking account and made the bar rounds and (driving, mind you) also visited several strip clubs. This, was their bill money.
L kicked R out of the house...and R went to stay with his cousins...which is, as discribed to me, a party all the time anyway. L began talking about divorce, but mentioned several times how "ashamed" or "embarrassed" she should be...because she married him twice after all.
Eventually L lets R come home, and hauls him off to couples therapy. I''m all for it...I think its great...but now it''s like nothing he''s done before even matters.
So...
I guess the point of my posting is, what should I do? In my opinion, from what I have observed, this guy is ruining my friend. He is making a fool out of her. I''m all for honoring your vow (sickness and in health), but I think now he just has a crutch for his bad behavior (hence it only happening on the weekends, which I find suspicious).
My friend L is the type of person who hates to hear things she doesn''t want to...so I know if I tell her I think her DH is bad news, she''ll be super mad. But I also feel like a fraud when I encourage her to work on her marriage--when in reality, I hate that she''s being treated this way.
If she left, I''d offered to rent her an apartment, give her money, get her back on her feet...I mean, shes like a sister, I''d do anything for her. But at the same time, I don''t feel like it''s my place to say "leave him now!".
I don''t know what to do...because I can be kind and dishonest...or I can be honest and unkind. Please, kind smart PS ladies, help me!