Asscher?

[kenny]

Boy this is a tough one.
I see both sides: be happy with what he selected vs. exchanging it for something you truly love.
Such a conflict is very personal.
It brings up issues of selfishness vs. self respect, consideration for his feelings vs. yours.

It is also sort of a new vs. old conflict.
I think 100 years ago a woman was expected to be quiet about such things.
Today woman and men are equal.

I think you feel guilty that you are not how you should be: delighted with what HE picked.
Personally I'm always suspicious of the word should.
Should is pressure to be a certain way vs. how you actually are.
Obeying too many shoulds in life can make for a very miserable suppressed person.

Everyone is going to have a strong opinion about what THEY would do.
But they are not you.
Only you can decide this one.

That said here is my input.
Personally (and who cares what I think) I'd speak up.
Communication is one foundation of a good marriage, and the sooner you two learn to talk about the sensitive stuff the better.
But first I'd start by finding out if it is returnable.
If not, I would reconsider speaking up because you stand to lose a lot of money.
Now you have to weigh his feelings AND gobs of lost money vs. how much you dislike the stone.

If you still decide to speak up I'd first apologize for making the mistake of agreeing that the surprise was a good idea.
Admit that although the clarity and color are wonderful, you are more particular about CUT than you let on, and you are still learning about the cut of asscher you prefer.
Then you BOTH should spend a lot of time getting educated about asscher cut and shop together, making it clear that the final look is YOUR call.
Perhaps narrow it down to two stones and let him pick and surprise you.

Compromise and communication is so important in marriage.
Even if his feelings are initially hurt I think in the long run you will both understand each other better and you will be moving towards a life in which you both let go of trying to live the fantasy life of shoulds, and live more true and authentic lives.
A Shakespeare quote I love is, "To thine own self be true."

 

[Jj08]

First off your ring is beautiful and congratulations! I recently just proposed, 2 weeks on Sunday. I spent months as a lurked on this forum and spent more agonizing about which stone to purchase. Once I did, the anxiety didn't stop there. I was worried about the purchase price, insuring, if I made the right choice and countless other things all of which PSers helped with. I worried if her mother or my mother would like it but not my FF. The one thing I didn't worry about was whether or not she would like it.I'm different in that I chose the stone cut and setting by myself. I didn't ask her what she wanted. But I felt that it was my gift to her and that she would love it no matter what, because it was from me.

I believe you stated that you didn'teven need a ring as long as you have him? Unlike me, your FI knew what you wanted and set out to make it so. He probably spent a great deal of time researching and agonizing over an infinite amount of tiny details. Do you dislike it that much? Doesn't it warm your heart looking at it knowing your FI spent a great deal of time trying to get you he believed you would want when he asked you to become happily his?


Just my .02. I'm probably too old fashion.

 

[Xedoc]

Date: 8/26/2009 12:02:17 PM
Author: Asschergirlnyc

Anyways, I think I need to stick with it for awhile as I do not want to hurt my fiances feelings and disappoint him. We will have a long life together filled with love.. and diamonds.

That makes your fiancee a very lucky man. I''m a guy who loves asschers, and I had the same opinion as you when I discovered that the square emerald referred to by many as the asscher is not the branded asscher/royal asscher cuts. However, I came to still really love the bold symmetric beauty of the square emerald asscher, which I must say you have what appears to be one fantastic example. Even though this may not be your perfect ring, he did everything he could to ensure he gave you (likely more) than you hoped for. Trust me, a 2 ct asscher like yours is NOT something bought every day.

Perhaps this is your first lesson toward marriage - that although some aspects of it may not be perfect, you learn to love what you have more than anything, especially when he provided what you told him you desired. Think toward the future - 5 or 10 years down the line - and suggest only then that you''d like to make a pendant with this 2ct square emerald asscher and then find the stone of your dreams for your ring. With this sort of understanding on how to handle this situation now, I''m more confident that you''ll be very happy together. We all love diamonds here, but I''d never risk losing the love of my life over something that truly is a minor disappointment - he gave you what he thought you wanted because he loves you. Please don''t risk losing that by making him feel guilty over this gift.

 

[AustenNut]

If your fiance had decided to completely surprise you and didn''t get any input from you and got you something that was totally not your taste, like a tension set marquise that you hated, then I can totally understand mentioning something to him.

But your fiance got exactly what YOU asked for. He spent a lot of time and a big chunk of money to do so. And the ring is GORGEOUS. The problem is, however, that you didn''t do your research ahead of time. Because of this I''m with those who say that you should stay quiet and learn to love the ring. Perhaps you should go out and shop asschers and see that what you want really isn''t feasible. But since you say that you didn''t care if you even got a ring, then I would certainly be happy that he got you an excellent example of the type of ring that you asked for.

 

[Asschergirlnyc]

Date: 8/26/2009 12:58:31 PM
Author: Xedoc

Date: 8/26/2009 12:02:17 PM

Author: Asschergirlnyc


Anyways, I think I need to stick with it for awhile as I do not want to hurt my fiances feelings and disappoint him. We will have a long life together filled with love.. and diamonds.

That makes your fiancee a very lucky man. I''m a guy who loves asschers, and I had the same opinion as you when I discovered that the square emerald referred to by many as the asscher is not the branded asscher/royal asscher cuts. However, I came to still really love the bold symmetric beauty of the square emerald asscher, which I must say you have what appears to be one fantastic example. Even though this may not be your perfect ring, he did everything he could to ensure he gave you (likely more) than you hoped for. Trust me, a 2 ct asscher like yours is NOT something bought every day.


Perhaps this is your first lesson toward marriage - that although some aspects of it may not be perfect, you learn to love what you have more than anything, especially when he provided what you told him you desired. Think toward the future - 5 or 10 years down the line - and suggest only then that you''d like to make a pendant with this 2ct square emerald asscher and then find the stone of your dreams for your ring. With this sort of understanding on how to handle this situation now, I''m more confident that you''ll be very happy together. We all love diamonds here, but I''d never risk losing the love of my life over something that truly is a minor disappointment - he gave you what he thought you wanted because he loves you. Please don''t risk losing that by making him feel guilty over this gift.

I hear ya. I just never saw myself as the "upgrade" type. My mother has had the same ring and my parents have been married for 28 years. I guess I just see it as a lifetime ring, not something temporary.
Anyhoo, I guess I should just work with what I have which does have sentimental value, possibly get it reset for our first anniversary. I would never want to risk losing him over a ring, and seem unappreciative. I just think you should love something that is so expensive. He once bought me these earings and a necklace from Tiffany that was maybe $800, and I did not like it AT ALL. I am not unappreciative, but found discomfort in something he spent $800 for sitting in my drawer that I do not like and would wear only to be nice.

 

[Asschergirlnyc]

Date: 8/26/2009 12:50:52 PM
Author: Jj08
First off your ring is beautiful and congratulations! I recently just proposed, 2 weeks on Sunday. I spent months as a lurked on this forum and spent more agonizing about which stone to purchase. Once I did, the anxiety didn''t stop there. I was worried about the purchase price, insuring, if I made the right choice and countless other things all of which PSers helped with. I worried if her mother or my mother would like it but not my FF. The one thing I didn''t worry about was whether or not she would like it.I''m different in that I chose the stone cut and setting by myself. I didn''t ask her what she wanted. But I felt that it was my gift to her and that she would love it no matter what, because it was from me.


I believe you stated that you didn''teven need a ring as long as you have him? Unlike me, your FI knew what you wanted and set out to make it so. He probably spent a great deal of time researching and agonizing over an infinite amount of tiny details. Do you dislike it that much? Doesn''t it warm your heart looking at it knowing your FI spent a great deal of time trying to get you he believed you would want when he asked you to become happily his?

Congratulations! What did you end up choosing?
I don''t think he spent that much time agonizing over details. I think he just went to the store one day and chose it. I had told him I wanted the asscher, but I guess the asscher is more complex than just the 4Cs. I know he did the best he could with the knowledge he had.


Just my .02. I''m probably too old fashion.

 

[elmo]

Vespergirl has a great idea, you can get what you want and won't hurt his feelings. Tell him that he got you exactly what you asked for. Tell him it's all your fault but you see now how small 2 carats looks on you. Apologize many times. Offer to kick in another $20-30K yourself towards 3 carats, but this time you can be directly involved in the stone selection. Steer him towards a traditional, octagonal, high-crowned Asscher. Problem solved.

 

[Asschergirlnyc]

Date: 8/26/2009 10:26:45 PM
Author: elmo
Vespergirl has a great idea, you can get what you want and won''t hurt his feelings. Tell him that he got you exactly what you asked for. Tell him it''s all your fault but you see now how small 2 carats looks on you. Apologize many times. Offer to kick in another $20-30K yourself towards 3 carats, but this time you can be directly involved in the stone selection. Steer him towards a traditional, octagonal, high-crowned Asscher. Problem solved.

it''s not that it looks small, it''s that it looks small, and flat, and lacks the windwill quality which made me want an asscher in the first place. If it was 2 carats, (even though it looks much smaller) and looked like and asscher I would be ok with it. The size is sacrificed to achieve the look of the asscher when it doesn''t have the qualities which made love asschers.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

When I first got my asscher/square emerald, it was in a four prong trellis style setting and I was disappointed that it looked like a square and not at all like an asscher. My stone is by no means a top cut either, it''s cut more like a clipped corner square baguette and doesn''t even have well pronounced windmills.

As soon as I received it I started saving for a setting upgrade. In my opinion, the setting made the biggest difference in the world, my ring went from being "nice" to getting compliments all of the time...

a before shot of my stone in the trellis...

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

and a reset photo, I had my stone bezeled which added a little bit of optical size as well as helping to emphasize the corners...

I hope this helps, I think it will be a lot easier to try to get a reset than a new stone, just bring up the points that you love the corners the most and that a bezel/halo will really emphasize the corners...it worked for me

 

[elmo]

Date: 8/26/2009 10:38:44 PM
Author: Asschergirlnyc
it''s not that it looks small, it''s that it looks small, and flat, and lacks the windwill quality which made me want an asscher in the first place. If it was 2 carats, (even though it looks much smaller) and looked like and asscher I would be ok with it. The size is sacrificed to achieve the look of the asscher when it doesn''t have the qualities which made love asschers.

Understood, my point is that you can use size as a plausible excuse to say that this is your fault and to revisit and get involved with the stone selection without making him feel like he somehow failed to pick a good stone. The offer to make up the difference would demonstrate that you''re accepting responsibility. Not that you or he made a mistake, but to avoid a misunderstanding and hurting his feelings, while still getting what you want.

 

[Asschergirlnyc]

Date: 8/26/2009 10:46:56 PM
Author: Asscherhalo_lover
and a reset photo, I had my stone bezeled which added a little bit of optical size as well as helping to emphasize the corners...


I hope this helps, I think it will be a lot easier to try to get a reset than a new stone, just bring up the points that you love the corners the most and that a bezel/halo will really emphasize the corners...it worked for me

WOW!!!!!! what a difference.
I am not sure if it is just the photo, but you can definitely see the windmills much more in the new setting!
LOVE IT!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Thanks! Believe me, it''s not just the photo! The prongs hide so much of the corners, if your stone has smallish ones, do not cover them up! The bezel is my setting style of choice for anyone who really wants to outline the shape of their stone.

You can search for more pics of my setting if you want in the PS photo album thing, I''ve got a good amount there, lol. GL with whatever you decide to do!

 

[Jj08]

I''m not trying to be mean but please don''t love it cause it''s expensive, love it cause it''s a gift fro your future husband. It seems like he went through a great deal to get u wanted. Look past that it''s not the stone you imagined, as it seems from the experienced Psers is incredibly difficult to get, but for the incredibly beautiful engagement ring the love of your life has given to you. I think the ring is absolutely beautiful!

Thank you, I got her a round in a bypass setting. My biggest critics,nour mothers seems to like it and she doesn''t want to take it off. I''ll try and post photos or a link as soon as I figure out how.

Jj

 

[Asschergirlnyc]

Date: 8/26/2009 10:54:18 PM
Author: Asscherhalo_lover
Thanks! Believe me, it''s not just the photo! The prongs hide so much of the corners, if your stone has smallish ones, do not cover them up! The bezel is my setting style of choice for anyone who really wants to outline the shape of their stone.


You can search for more pics of my setting if you want in the PS photo album thing, I''ve got a good amount there, lol. GL with whatever you decide to do!

Are the windmills more pronounced? You can definitely see them more!

 

[Asschergirlnyc]

Date: 8/26/2009 10:54:18 PM
Author: Asscherhalo_lover
Thanks! Believe me, it''s not just the photo! The prongs hide so much of the corners, if your stone has smallish ones, do not cover them up! The bezel is my setting style of choice for anyone who really wants to outline the shape of their stone.


You can search for more pics of my setting if you want in the PS photo album thing, I''ve got a good amount there, lol. GL with whatever you decide to do!

Are the windmills more pronounced? You can definitely see them more!

 

[xoxojontue]

If you really don''t like the stone he got you, find one that you like.. maybe trade it in and get it replaced.. You don''t have to tell him, and he probably wont even notice. That''s just me. But if you can live with it, and maybe learn to love it... because its really nice anyway.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Date: 8/25/2009 11:51:23 PM
Author: Asschergirlnyc

Date: 8/25/2009 10:48:26 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood

Date: 8/25/2009 9:45:29 PM

Author: Asschergirlnyc

thanks Richard. I am very appreciative of what he got, but have just been confused as to why it looks so different from what I thought an asscher looks like. It is perfect because he bought it for me, and I love him very much, but was curious from a technical stand point on why it looks so different. I am not saying I need a branded asscher, but was not sure what makes mine look flatter with the facets less predominate. I am not a brat, just someone is obviously uneducated about this and wanted some insight.

Ahhh, well that''s a differnet question than you asked before.


The insight is that your stone is a square emerald cut, which many people refer to as a generic Asscher. It has nice square emerald cut proportions, but they are not classic Asscher proportions.


Does that make the diamond ugly? Not at all. It is in fact quite a high quality, beautiful diamond in its own right.


You''re gonna hear all kinds of different opinions in the posts to follow. But I will tell you, that in 30 years in the jewelry business, I have seen that in 90%+ of the cases where a woman has not been happy with the (substantial) purchase that her fiancee made for her, the engagement didn''t make it past six months.


It just happened with my (ex) brother-in-law. He bought his fiance a gorgeous 2 carat super ideal make, and she was unhappy about how he picked it out. She wanted a romantic story behind it, and felt that the fact that I helped him ''tarnished'' the stone (because I''m the the brother of his former wife).


He completely backed off from his plans to marry her, and is now figuring out how to get her out of the house (she''s living with him).


If you want the man, forget about your expectations for the diamond. What he is getting you is a gift (in your case, a very expensive one), and you should be appreciative whatever it is. Don''t hold the man prisoner to your expectations.

Thank you for your thoughts, even though you are clearly bias and seem very bitter.
I doubt I will ever say anything to my fiance, but it sounds like the couple in your situation had many issues not ring related for something like that to tear them apart.

You''re correct, I am clearly biased regarding situations such as this.

And you''re also correct, the couple in my situation had many issues not ring related for it to tear them apart.

That''s one of the funny things about diamond engagement rings. They seem to "crystallize" problems in the relationship. If there are problems, they tend to surface at this point. I''ve seen it time and time again.

As far as being "very bitter", I apologize if that''s the impression I conveyed to you. I certainly don''t feel that way.

 

[Jj08]

Here''s the ring I chose.

 

[Asschergirlnyc]

Date: 8/27/2009 12:52:01 AM
Author: Richard Sherwood

Date: 8/25/2009 11:51:23 PM

Author: Asschergirlnyc

Date: 8/25/2009 10:48:26 PM

Author: Richard Sherwood

Date: 8/25/2009 9:45:29 PM


Author: Asschergirlnyc


thanks Richard. I am very appreciative of what he got, but have just been confused as to why it looks so different from what I thought an asscher looks like. It is perfect because he bought it for me, and I love him very much, but was curious from a technical stand point on why it looks so different. I am not saying I need a branded asscher, but was not sure what makes mine look flatter with the facets less predominate. I am not a brat, just someone is obviously uneducated about this and wanted some insight.

Ahhh, well that''s a differnet question than you asked before.



The insight is that your stone is a square emerald cut, which many people refer to as a generic Asscher. It has nice square emerald cut proportions, but they are not classic Asscher proportions.



Does that make the diamond ugly? Not at all. It is in fact quite a high quality, beautiful diamond in its own right.



You''re gonna hear all kinds of different opinions in the posts to follow. But I will tell you, that in 30 years in the jewelry business, I have seen that in 90%+ of the cases where a woman has not been happy with the (substantial) purchase that her fiancee made for her, the engagement didn''t make it past six months.



It just happened with my (ex) brother-in-law. He bought his fiance a gorgeous 2 carat super ideal make, and she was unhappy about how he picked it out. She wanted a romantic story behind it, and felt that the fact that I helped him ''tarnished'' the stone (because I''m the the brother of his former wife).



He completely backed off from his plans to marry her, and is now figuring out how to get her out of the house (she''s living with him).



If you want the man, forget about your expectations for the diamond. What he is getting you is a gift (in your case, a very expensive one), and you should be appreciative whatever it is. Don''t hold the man prisoner to your expectations.

Thank you for your thoughts, even though you are clearly bias and seem very bitter.

I doubt I will ever say anything to my fiance, but it sounds like the couple in your situation had many issues not ring related for something like that to tear them apart.

You''re correct, I am clearly biased regarding situations such as this.


And you''re also correct, the couple in my situation had many issues not ring related for it to tear them apart.


That''s one of the funny things about diamond engagement rings. They seem to ''crystallize'' problems in the relationship. If there are problems, they tend to surface at this point. I''ve seen it time and time again.


As far as being ''very bitter'', I apologize if that''s the impression I conveyed to you. I certainly don''t feel that way.

Hi,
You are right, and seem very knowledgeable about diamonds!
I went back to the diamond broker place where the ring was made to have it r-esized and straightened. To better understand, I asked about the look and they said it has to do with the depth and table. They were saying you see the lines better with less depth, but that it than will be less shiny? I am assuming there has to be a balance. What do you think are good proportions for the more dramatic look that I like?

thanks

thanks

 

[CharmyPoo]

Only you will know what the right thing to do is. Every relationship is so different and no one here knows how things are like between you and your finance. My boyfriend and I have a very very open relationship - I told him how I felt about the ering which was not his fault at all. Like you, he simply did what I told him to do. I also told him how I know he spoils me and I know the ering he got me is bigger and more expensive than he should have. He didn''t feel upset or hurt by the conversation - he knows me too well. Although the ering is symbolic of something, it is not really symbolic of our love for each other. The whole ering and diamond search showed us how ability to compromise and understand each other.

Take some time to think about it ... the answer will come to you. Every guy would love for their girl to love the ring they got from them. The truth is ... that doesn''t always happen. I honestly belive that not loving the ring doesn''t mean you love him any less or there are problems. We are appreciative of the gift .. but there is a difference between appreciating the effort and loving the ring as a material item.

 

[Black Jade]

Congratulations on your engagement.
You are a lucky girl and I can tell that you know that. You clearly appreciate how your fiance looked to find what you wanted and I can tell that you feel embarrassed about not ''loving'' it.
You are also smart, in that you vented on this forum and not to him.
I don''t think we women always appreciate how easily men get their feelings hurt and how crushed they can be when they really want to please us--and don''t get it right. They want to be our hero and it''s always wise on our part to let them do that; it really is. Sometimes its necessary to gently say that they got it wrong--but in my opinion, when you just got engaged is NOT the right time to even hint at this.
You have a very beautiful ring and anyone who knows anything about diamonds is going to be very impressed by it. I also have the problem of envisioning what something is going to be like in my head and then getting disappointed in the real thing--and also the problem of being a super-perfectionist. It''s a good quality in many ways, but it can be hard on those around you. I''ve had to learn to keep quiet sometimes when I''m not quite satisfied about something and to realize that quite often, a little time will help me to like it more than I thought I did at first. Sometimes a lot more.
If I were you, I wouldn''t say anything about it right now at all. I honestly don''t think there''s any way that you are going to be able to do that without making a negative impression, as well as hurting him. I''d concentrate on beginning to plan the wedding and while doing this showing the ring proudly to people when you tell them that you are engaged, saying something flattering but truthful, like, "Isn''t it amazing that I told him that I wanted this unusual kind of ring and he worked so hard to get me exactly what I said? That''s why I love him!" As people admire the ring, you are likely to feel better and better about it. (Trust me, it may be about the same size as your sister in law''s princess cut, but it looks nothing like your sister-in laws princess cut. No offense to those who love princess cuts).
Get yourself married and in about five years, for an anniversary, or after the birth of your first child, bring up the subject of puitting a halo around it, like the one you admired--if you even find that you still care at that point.
In the meantime, don''t look at any more photos of museum quality asschers, on Pricescope or in other places either.

Best to you.
You really do sound like a sweet girl--I hope you are not offended by anything that I wrote. It wasn''t intended to offend.

 

[litebrite]

I think Black Jade and others on this forum have very sound advice, especially on the not looking at photos of asschers here or elsewhere. I am very grateful for the education I''ve received here but boy does it make me want more, and better. The setting does look like it clips off the corners, so with a change of setting in the future, hopefully you can learn to love your stone.

You have a very lovely asscher, and it''s one that plenty of us on the forum would be thrilled to receive as a present.