asking dad?

[mjertl]

Cute or antiquated? (or both?)
My BF wasn't really planning on it, but I kinda hinted that my parents would probably appreciate it (which, they will. Plus, I'm not very formal or sappy, but I do find it romantic!), so now he is planning on it - this weekend. I guess it's just a formality because I know he's asking them, and I told my dad he better be nice and say yes!, but I do think it's sweet that he's doing it.
Just wondering what other peoples' thoughts are on their significant others asking for "permission"

 

[centralsquare]

I was not a fan of having DH ask permission. It did feel antiquated to me. I still would have said yes if he'd have said no. I don't ask my dad for permission for anything so it just seems odd to me that he would.

 

[misssoph]

It seems a bit Victorian to me. I mean what if he said no? Would it really change your plans?

 

[titian23]

Even though it would be just a formality and is a little bit antiquated, I love the idea of my bf talking to my parents first. More then anything I think for me it signifies a level of comfort and familiarity with my family that it is very important to me that my bf have.

I'm in my 30's and haven't lived at home (or in the same country) as my parents for 14 years so its not as if they would say no but I love the idea of him being comfortable enough to call them up or meet up with them on his own to speak with them about something so important.

If he chose not to do it though I wouldn't be upset.

 

[BeautyQueen]

I do agree its a romantic and sweet gesture , i think its great putting the parents in the know and thats really for both sides his and your parents. My SO and i have had the talk and he knows i would like my father to see the ring and be aware of his intentions , but he need not ask his permission because its my decision. I think everything will go fine and your parents will be delighted . Sounds like your engagement is coming very very soon yay!!

 

[gem_anemone]

Before FI proposed, he went to my family's house without me, showed off the ring and asked my stepdad "for permission". My mom and stepdad have been together for 20 years and my stepdad is walking me down the aisle. I consider him my dad. It was just a kind gesture and a formality, not like my FI was really "asking", and it's not like my stepdad could have said no (although if I were getting engaged to a real a$$ then it's possible he would have tried! ). Then after FI proposed he got to tell me the cute story about what happened that day, how my mom cried when he told her and how my little brother told him "it's about time". I thought it was very sweet that he felt comfortable enough with my family to go out of his way to visit them and share this with them as I am very close with my family and they are important to me. I am 31, independent, self-sufficient and have not lived at home in years and I was still touched by this romantic gesture.

 

[maebelle]

I know I'm different then many others when I say that I will actually not be pleased AT ALL if my bf asked my parents before he asked ME! It just rubs me the wrong way.

 

[maplefemme]

I'm not sure if my SO will ask my Dad or not, it's a nice gesture, however, I know my Dad's response from past experience; "You're asking the wrong person!"

 

[chemgirl]

I know I'm different then many others when I say that I will actually not be pleased AT ALL if my bf asked my parents before he asked ME! It just rubs me the wrong way.

My DH didn't ask my parents, but I don't feel strongly either way. My dad, on the other hand, would have been extremely insulted if he'd been asked. His opinion (not really mine) is if DH asked him permission, that means DH doesn't respect my independence, intelligence, nor view me as an equal. To my dad, its the same thing as calling me a silly girl who can't make important decisions.

 

[mogster]

My FI didn't ask my father, but had dinner with both of my parents to talk about the prospect of marriage. Literally asking for permission is kind of antiquated to me, but I still like the tradition of the boyfriend talking to the father/mother/both parents. I also disagree with being given away at the ceremony because I don't belong to anyone, but the tradition of walking with my father down the aisle is not one I want to give up either.

 

[RebeccaMUA]

I think it's both. It's a very sweet gesture and it's something that not many people do anymore (hence the antiquated part). But I am a traditional kind of gal, so it was something I always wanted.

My FI let me know well ahead of time that because he's sort of an old-fashioned guy that he wanted to "talk to my parents" before proposing to me. He wasn't asking, obviously, because like most of you said even if mom and dad said "no" (which they never would) it wouldn't change our plans. Plus, his mother wanted to go with him which is a spin on the formal tradition.

To this day, I am not even aware of when it happened but this is what he did:

-He called my dad up and asked him if he and my mom would like to go to lunch with him and his mom. During lunch, he let my parents know that he would be taking me to Solvang and proposing to me at the Santa Ynez Mission. He told them that he wasn't sure what he was going to say yet, but that he loves me very much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and hopes my parents would be happy to have him as a son in law. Of course my parents were excited and they love him so like many of the ladies on here said, it was more of a formality than actually "asking" for my hand.

Personally, I am glad he did it and that he wanted to. It's a very romantic tradition that so many people think is antiquated, but there are certain traditions I think are nice to hold on to and this was one of them for me.

Ultimately, it's your call as a couple on how you want to approach this. If it's something you really want, it's good that he's making an effort to do it to make you happy.

 

[beesha77]

Love it! Bf s still kicking himself. My dad passed away last year so then he thought he would ask my brother. Unfortunately my brother passed away suddenly a mere 7 months later. He loves the idea but now he will probably just talk with my mom and stepdad. I love traditional and chivalry!

 

[mjertl]

For me, when I think of this weekend and the conversation he will have with my dad (and possibly mom, I don't know all of his plans...) I almost get a little teary. It's not like he's asking for permission per se - even if my parents said no (which they won't), it wouldn't change the fact that I will say yes, and it's not really like he's "asking" them before me (we've had many conversations about our future together, the asking has essentially already occurred, just not with the ring yet! Soon though ) To picture him having a conversation with my dad about how much he loves me though is really heartwarming to me. My mom already told me that she and my dad have talked about it, and he's planning on telling my boyfriend to cherish me forever, and some other really sweet things. I am just really excited for us to all officially be a big happy family

 

[mjertl]

I fell asleep on my parents' couch last night after a fancy dinner, and woke up to my dad and boyfriend both standing over me, grinning... They had their conversation, and both were giddy. We had a drink to celebrate. I am so in love and so happy, can't wait for him to "officially" ask me

 

[CaprineSun]

SO wants to talk to my parents-- and I love that. My parents will love that gesture and I will be happy to have my parents included in the engagement process. I'm their first and they will be so happy!

 

[LJL]

I know that many people on here think its old fashioned... but I think its something you can hold as proof that the man is really serious about you and can look your father (in my case my father and stepfather) in the eye and articulate his feelings about you. My SO will do it because my father would not have it any other way. At the same time, of course a man can care about you and love you without asking and for many people it seems ridiculous. Its definitely a relic from the past and I have suspicions that it depends on how traditional your family is in general, urban v. rural distinctions, blah blah blah. I was raised in a male-dominated family where my father had the only say on almost everything and while that is not exactly the case anymore, I am still his baby and the SO will ask if he values his sanity/bodily integrity.

 

[lvcushion]

I'm traditional. Trust me, I have more than my say in things and I do not feel I need permission to do anything about my own future, but I think it's adorable for SO to ask father (and mother!) or at least have a talk with them about it. I know it would mean the world to my father and that will be repaid in spades. Like others have mentioned, it shows his interest in making himself not only connected to you, but to your family as a whole.

This is a very personal choice and I hope if it is important to you, one way or another, that you get the opportunity to make your SO aware of your feelings before it would happen. It would be nice if proposals were a complete surprise without ever discussing them, but then we wouldn't get to give our input on the ring!

 

[affguy]

It seems a bit Victorian to me. I mean what if he said no? Would it really change your plans?

My fiancee expressed a similar sentiment, so instead I called her parents and informed them I would be proposing to their daughter and hoped to have their approval (separate phone calls, they're divorced and both live too far away too ask in person). I figure they're about to be my family too, and I'd rather start out on the right foot, with a respectful nod toward them. All seemed pleased, so I believe this scenario was a win-win for everyone...some tradition and respect without objectifying my betrothed.

 

[tammy77]

Nope, DH did not ask my dad. If I had any kind of relationship with my father my DH would have tried to include him by having a conversation with him letting him know that he was going to propose, but I'm guessing he still wouldn't have asked his permission.

I think it's a sweet gesture for a young, first time bride that's close with their father/dad/daddy. I had been married before, I was 33, DH and I were already living together and my father had already disrespected both of us so much over the years that he didn't have any place in our engagement.

 

[pmbspyder]

I'm a guy and I most certainly will be asking her father. I think it's a sign of respect, and it's also something I look forward to doing. In my mind it's kind of like a precursor to having him give her away after walking her down the aisle. Plus, I know he'll get a kick out of it because he's a very proud man. I know that I would want my daughter's SO to ask me before he pops the question. It's a respect thing...

ETA - I'm kind of new here so hopefully it's ok to post in this forum? A little embarrassed after I posted and reaslized it was in the "Ladies in Waiting" section whoops

 

[swingirl]

As a parent of a 24 year old daughter I would feel (DH too) feel awkward if BF asked our permission to wed DD. She's not our property and we haven't given her "permission" to do anything in many years. Our response would be, "Ask her, not us." Of course, we wouldn't let the young man feel stupid for asking if that was his desire. But it's a little degrading since we raised our daughter to make her own choices and don't feel we have the right to give anyone consent to "do" something her.

I like the idea of making his plans known rather than "asking permission".

However, it has a lot to do with age of the people and the family's traditions. I am guessing if the couple is ready to get engaged they know what their family's expectations are.