arguing with your SO

[Miscka]

Do you and your SO argue?

Obviously (or I wouldn''t have started this thread

) me and mine do. We are both arguing kind of people. The problem is that we are so much alike, it is crazy!

Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions on how to argue more effectively/fairer?

My problem is that sometimes I snap at him when I do not realize I am doing it

. I am really struggling with this, because I love him so much and I do not want to hurt him at all. I just do not realize it when it happens. Is anyone else like this? Or know a good strategy for NOT being like this?

Just having kind of a crappy day.

 

[HollyS]

Some people just like to argue. While I don''t understand it, it is true.

Now, I don''t know if you two are that type. But something you need to do, instead of just popping off at each other, is:

1) Choose your battles. Not everything is worth a hassle.
2) Never forget to respect the other person''s opinions, wishes, ideas, etc. If you always disagree, obviously you don''t care about what they think, only what you think. And vice versa.
3) Never argue about the small s&*t. The day to day BS. Don''t. Life is too short.
4) If the disagreements are always about major stuff, like philosophical differences, morality, life choices, etc., then it''s time to rethink the relationship. These are issues you must be in sync on.

DH and I are not ''fighters''. But then, we agree in 9 out of every 10 instances. And when we don''t, we usually respect the other enough to look past the difference of opinion. For example: he thinks I can be too critical; I think he can be too reactionary. We try to point that out, kindly, when we need to, instead of beating each other over the head with it.

Good luck.

 

[Miscka]

Hi Holly, thanks!

Actually, we are both very "aware" of the arguments...we just both over-think things.

And as far as #4...definitely not the case. Never had an argument about that stuff, like I said we are a lot alike. This is more like "we are both stressed right now and short tempered" kind of arguing. As we are a lot alike, we are both prone to this. We debate for fun but this kind of thing is no fun. We both just need more patience which is easier said than done.

The last part you mentioned is definitely worth thinking about. We both admit our faults readily and both want to get better, it''s just the in-the-moment stuff is hard.

 

[LaraOnline]

A sense of humour can help prevent little irritations blowing into arguments.
My man is a grumpy bu*ger, and I tell him so.
Tease, not tell... gets it off my chest at the same time...!

 

[Porridge]

Hey Mischka, I understand where you''re coming from - we can snap at each other too, it can be really annoying. Also FI''s a bit of a hothead and I''m oversensitive! We just worked on it, got some tips and came up with ways on how to respond to each other. It''s just a little glitch in communication sometimes, I''m sure you guys will work it out!

 

[Kelli]

My fiancee snaps at me sometimes, and I get really oversensitive about it. After nine years together, I have to say that is what MOST of our fights have ever been about. It's so stupid too, because I realize I get way too dramatic about it, but also, I know I will NEVER accept being talked to that way. While I'm stil trying to handle it more maturely when he does it, I won't ever just ignore it, because I don't feel like I deserve it. (Most of the time

)

I wish I had some advice to give. If anything, I'd say just to sincerely apologize when you realize you've snapped. When I get all dramatic with my fiance, that's really all I'm looking for--- a good sincere "oh sorry, I don't know why I just snapped like that." Unfortunately, he's too stubborn to do it right away, and I'm too stubborn to let it go until he does.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

DH and I used to argue pretty often. In fact, if we disagreed on something we had a hard time discussingly it calmly, we would both get defensive--a lot of rolling eyes and crossed arms. All peppered with sarcasm..."No no, dear! Don't bother calling me when you know you're going to be a half of an hour late and I'm making dinner. It's FIIIINE." We knew that sarcasm and snide comments weren't going to work in a marriage and we were really focused on nipping our bad habits in the bud before walking down the aisle.

D has always been more calm than I have--he's never afraid to walk away if it gets a little heated (whereas my instinct was to follow him and explain to him for the 100th time why I was frustrated). I now value a little breathing time if I'm frustrated. I know that I can go from 0 to pissed in a second, but for me to calm back down takes at least a half of an hour. If we try to discuss anything before we are calm, it's pointless. We just get annoyed and fall back into bad habits.

So we make sure we are calm before discussing things, we remain thoughtful about our language (verbal and non-verbal--which is not easy!) and we explain things from the other person's point of view. We developed a rule for ourselves in preparation for being parents--we don't allow ourselves to argue in a way that wouldn't be appropriate for our children to see. It helps us to make sure we are keeping the argument healthy. It has taken YEARS for us to get there and we still have to continue working on it, but we are in a much healthier place. I really don't mind that we have disagreements, we just want to make sur we're handling it in the healthiest way we can.

ETA: I completely agree with Kelli that a sincere apology helps (not the kind that is used to smooth things over). We aren't afraid to admit when we've screwed up and don't give one of those "I'm sorry you FEEL that way" apologies. I mean it when I apologize and I really work on making it better.

 

[LadyBlue]

I do like to argue, my hubby does not, so he get stress about it. I''m trying to stop argue, It hard, but it''s betetr if you want to have a happy life

 

[bee*]

D and I don''t argue that frequently, the main reason being that he''s not an arguer at all. I can be a bit firey and can snap quickly and then it''s all over. D just likes to avoid things and that''s his way. We don''t disagree on too many things so luckily it''s not an issue often.

 

[April20]

We rarely argue. We bicker from time to time, but not much of that either. DH is the type that if he doesn''t have a strong feeling one way or the other, he''ll just go with the flow. I try to be that way as well, but I have my moments. We''ve really only argued a couple of times that I can remember and they weren''t major arguments. The main one I remember was about a new sofa, if that tells you anything. At any rate, the main issue is almost always not communicating properly. I''ve also found that when he says or does something that makes me crazy, I am much more sucessful if I don''t immediately snap back (which I have a tendency to do) and ask him to clarify instead. I dont'' like to argue. He doesn''t either. And when we do, we don''t hold grudges or stay mad about it. I''ve always been that way- I''ve never seen the point of staying mad for days. All that does IMO is make you miserable and half the time the other party is clueless.

 

[somethingshiny]

We argue frequently. We try not to argue over the small stuff, but we''ve found, when you don''t take the time to understand the others opinion on the small stuff, it just builds until it''s a big deal. I began freaking out for "no reason" and finally came to the above conclusion.

We do pick our battles though. I won''t argue over stuff about the cars, he won''t argue over stuff about the house, etc. I think we both need to be "in charge" of a few things for each of our controlling natures. We''re both also very passionate. So, our little tiffs don''t REALLY bother us for the most part. We both like how the other is passionate and are therefore perfectly accepting of showing the passion. (if you like the passion in one room of the house, but don''t allow it in another--well, it just doesn''t make sense)

We don''t often have huge blow-ups. If we do have a big argument, one of us always makes the other laugh and it eases the tension and brings us back down to earth. We also only fight while seated at the table. It''s a non-threatening environment, you can''t get in each others faces, etc.


Another HUGE thing about our arguing is the use of the word "I". We both try to avoid the "YOU did such and such" etc, and try to go with "I feel such and such," It just feels less like laying blame and more like rectifying the situation.

 

[musey]

You''ve already gotten some good advice, and this may be slightly off-topic to your predicament, but just to add something for fun: my husband has recently been reading that cheeseball book "How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less" and they, surprisingly, have some interesting stuff in there re: arguments and interpersonal relations.

There''s a theory that says if you use tweak your language to appeal to their learning style, you will communicate much more smoothly. It''s a really subtle thing, but can make a world of difference if you''re having trouble relating to one another. For example, I''m a heavily kinesthetic learner, so I respond much better to a phrase like "It feels like you''re upset" (kinesthetic) than "It sounds like you''re upset" (aural). Or if he''s trying to make his case for the new convertible he wants

using phrases like "can''t you just imagine the breeze on your face, the sun on your arms" (kinesthetic) would be more meaningful than "can''t you imagine the beautiful trees racing by, looking up at the bright blue sky" (visual).

Are you and your husband the same out of visual/aural/kinesthetic (or tactile)? Or are you different? My husband is an aural learner (with some visual thrown in, he doesn''t lean heavily in any direction) and I''m an extremely kinesthetic learner, so we''ve both been experimenting a bit with this and have found that it does actually have a little impact on our communication.


As for snapping... it''s part of life, it happens. If it''s hard for you to control, what''s best (other than working on bettering it) is to make sure you acknowledge that behavior to your husband, imho. Simply saying "I''m sorry, I know I snapped/tend to snap, it''s something I''m working on and I want you to know that I don''t mean to hurt you" goes along way - at least it does/has for my hubs!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Mark and I don''t typically argue...but I am known for "popping off" (which is what we call snapping) at him over silly things. I''ve gotten better over time by really focusing on the big picture and not so much the small, silly things.

I try to put some distance between the issue and myself. Reflection time. It allows me the opportunity to decide if it''s really worth me getting angry over...most of time, it''s not. Also, I let Mark know what my "soft spots" are...things that he does or doesn''t do that will get me going, hurt my feelings or make me angry. He works to avoid those sticky situations, and I work on trying to put them into prespective if they do happen.

Also, in our home we have a rule...no one goes to bed angry, no one leaves the house angry. I realize that my time here is going to be short, that my time with Mark isn''t going to last forever and everytime we leave each other any number of outside influences can change our lives in a million different ways...so I''m not going to waste an opportunity or my time being mad, or not take the opportunity to tell him how much I love him. In all our time together, I''ve never walked away feeling like I''ve left anything unsaid, or made him upset.