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Gypsy

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I am post this because it''s either post or do something I''m gonna regret.

I want to kill, main or kick out DF. At this pooint he''s just F BTW.

I swear to god he''s driving me up the freaking wall.

It would be too long a story to explain what''s the matter... just. Talk me down. Remind me that I love him. That''s I''ve been with him for the last eight years. And that this is a rough patch.
 

Gypsy

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miving to CA has been hard. He''s uprooted. And I thought I was coming home. This isn''t home. He used to be home but recently were fighting so much he''s not home anymore and I''m just angry. I have no one around me, just my family who drives me crazy. All my freinds are in other states. I miss the east coast, dislike it here. Like my job, but only because.. I''m so grateful for it. Job hunting was so hard... now I''m just sitting here crying and hurt and I don''t want to talk to him. He''s trapped in his own world of hurt too. ANd there is this wall. And All I feel anymore is rage and discontent, and I hate ti. I hate me.
 

Dee*Jay

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Woah woah woah Gpy -- slow down! Have a drink! It''s not that bad! This is just one of those speed bumps on the long highway of life.

I know it''s not all chocolate and roses right now, but take a step back, remember the larger picture, and just put things into perspective.

Talk to us, we''ll help you through. But don''t kill DF, they''ll probably take away your bling if you do.
 

Gypsy

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I know. I''m just. I''ve pnemonia for the last 4 weeks. Still working cause I''m a GD lawyer and that''s all we do. He''s... he''s not happy. And I''m not happy. And I just want it all to go away. I''m not gonna kill him. THe urge has passed. ------------------He''s being really sweet.. he hasn''t been anything but and I feel like a monster. I just. I don''t know what to do anymorte. i thought when i got his job. Everything was going to be better, but its not. It''s just hard. And I''m.. wel, sick still and tired and just worn out.

He''s taking me out right now. To the store, wants to get me out of the house. He''s taking care of me again. And all I feel is guilty.
 

diamondfan

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This is a tough patch. Do you have a good pal to talk to, even it is just on the phone? You are in a new place and feeling overwhelmed, which is understandable but just try to focus on the big picture and talk yourself into the baby steps to get through this time...try to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
 

Dee*Jay

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Guilt is a useless emotion.

Go to the store. Make it fun if it kills you. A little laughter goes a LONG way. Give him a chance to tell you what he''s thinking/feeling (if he hasn''t already) and just listen. You might be surprised by what he says.

And then, have another drink.
 

Kaleigh

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I''m sorry you have pneumonia, and sorry you guys are going through a rough spot. I think you have a lot of stress right now. The move, the new job. Give it some time, talk things through. You do love him from what you have written. Moving for him may have not been a bowl of cherries either. Hang in there gyspy. I hope things will look brighter tomorrow. Call a friend on the East Coast, and have a good chat. Talking things out always helps me. But am not in your shoes, nor do I pretend to know what is going on in your life right now. But hope things improve. HUGS!!!
 

KimberlyH

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Ditto everything df and DeeJay said. Relationships are hard. Especially when you''re experiencing lots of changes, new home, new jobs, etc., as a couple and as individuals. Take a step back, a deep breathe. Don''t feel guilty for being human, we all get mad at our SOs. And keep talking if you need to.
 

onedrop

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And I concur with what both Kimberly and Dee*Jay said. You are experincing many life changing events at once. It's no wonder you are feeling sick and irritated. Just remember to take some time even if it's just a few moments to breathe and have some quiet time. And let your FI help you through this time.
 

sumbride

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Oh my god... you have pneumonia and you''ve been working the whole time? WOW. Ok, when I had pneumonia my head was a mess. I could not think straight and I was moody and bitter a lot. And completely irrational. I''m not saying that you''re irrational... just that I''m sure that being sick while going through everything you''re going through is just not helping.

It takes a while to get settled. It can take years. You need to cling to each other a bit, but get your own space too.

We all have rough patches, that''s all this is.... just take deep breaths and realize you will get through this, and you will get through it together.
 

Gypsy

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No. Irrational is accurate. I was mad at him for things that weren't his fault. He's still not really talking about what he's feeling, he doesn't want to 'overwhelm me" because well... I"m clearly off kilter. I tried to get him to talk but he's always been very protective of me, and he won't do anything, even at his own detriment, to bother me. I just finished my second course of antibiotics.. and will probably still have to get a third, it hasn't cleared yet. I'm allergic to 2 of the drugs they can give me for it and the other two have been tried, so they aren't sure what they are going to do. I had bronchitis at the same time and gave that to FI so he's been sick. They house is a mess. A MESS. And It all just adds up. It's all I can do to go to work and come home. We have to go to a wake tomorrow on easter, when all I wanted to do was rest. And it's my great uncle so it's an entire day of dressing up, talking to people and while saying nothing at all of import, taking care of everyone and hositng a huge (HUGE there are going to be at least 100 people coming over to my grandparent's house tomrrow) event. And I hate events. I just wish Persian wakes weren't fancy and formal and FAKE.

Anyway. No I don't really have anyone to talke to right now. On of my friends just broke up with her long time boyfriend, and I have to suuport her. The other is JUST pregnant, another is in the middle of finals. That's about it. I'm not a person who makes friends easily. I'm very uncomfortable around people, an only child who watches social interaction... is fascinated by it... but does GET IT. I always feel awkward and paranoid and overcompensate.

We had a nice time. We went to whole foods and ordered food for the wake then to the florist. Then to look at furniture. And for dinner we grabbed some sushi. So it was nice, but he was treating my like fragile glass and that's a bit counter productive.

I'm just going to go and cuddle him now, I've spent the day apologizing... and he keeps telling me to stop, and that there is nothing to apologize for. But ... I wish he'd just take the apology and open up to me. That stupid wall is still there and I just can't scale it.

Thank you all for the support and advice. I'm sorry I flipped on you all. It is a rough patch... and we will get through.

I know the move has been hard on him. I SEE IT. But he won't talk to me. He feel guilty because we are living on my income right now... and will be for the forseeable future until business picks up for him. And all the move, and him having to play housewife is getting to him. I KNOW all this, but he won't talk to me about it. Just holds it in. I want him to talk to me.
 

firebirdgold

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There''s no way you can think or even feel straight after being sick for so long. It becomes easy to feel hopeless. Don''t be too hard on yourself or him.
You just have to remember what''s important.. You love him and he loves you.


Go have a couples day tomorrow, spend time doing something fun together that gives you the oppertunity to chat about random things. Then rent a movie and cuddle on the couch together in the evening. Ban all work or other things that might interfer.

Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon Gypsy!
 

diamondfan

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I am glad you had a nice time tonight, and sorry you have to be up and social and "on" tomorrow, when you should be home resting, but it is probably the right thing to do. Moving cross country is so tough, and your df is dealing with a lot as well, and may not be the most communicative guy so feelings get bottled up. You know they are in there, but he does not open the bottle to let them out. It is frustrating. But at least he is being kind and considerate, while also trying to cope, as you are. I am sure you are wonderful socially, you might be tougher on yourself than is warranted, but it is also totally fine to be more reserved or be someone who likes more peace and quiet. To each his own, there is nothing wrong with being that way. It is tough to be that way in a family where you are not the rule but the exception, but if people love you they need to accept that aspect of who you are. You need to get some rest. Can you bring in someone to help clean and tidy and do laundry right now so you at least come home to a more pleasant environment? That can work wonders, superficially yes, but still, it does not hurt to keep the setting nice. Is there any way to take a couple days off and maybe go somewhere to chill out? I know you are probably super busy but putting yourself into the hospital will not help either! Hopefully you will start to feel better physically and then emotionally, first things first though!
 

firebirdgold

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Date: 4/8/2007 1:47:17 AM
Author: Gypsy
No. Irrational is accurate. I was mad at him for things that weren't his fault. He's still not really talking about what he's feeling, he doesn't want to 'overwhelm me' because well... I'm clearly off kilter. I tried to get him to talk but he's always been very protective of me, and he won't do anything, even at his own detriment, to bother me. ...
So it was nice, but he was treating my like fragile glass and that's a bit counter productive.

I know the move has been hard on him. I SEE IT. But he won't talk to me. He feel guilty because we are living on my income right now... and will be for the forseeable future until business picks up for him. And all the move, and him having to play housewife is getting to him. I KNOW all this, but he won't talk to me about it. Just holds it in. I want him to talk to me.

Ok, new advice.... Smack him upside the head!
He's your freaking partner. He can't protect you and treat you like glass. The relationship just won't work if he does. He has to be honest with you and to tell you how he feels.

Anyway, I'm sorry about your great uncle and the wake tomorrow. Um, why are you hosting and taking care of people? You ordered the food and the flowers, you've done your bit. Go to the wake, cough and look pitiful, and then come home early.



ETA: go to bed. sleep does wonders for the immune system.
 

Gypsy

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I''m hosting with my mother and aunt. My grandmother is a mess, favorite kid brother. My mother and aunt will be handling quite a bit ... but I''m number three. My mother is the Captain, Aunt is first mate... but I''m third in command and have to do all the other crap. The housekeeper doesn''t work on Sundays, and this was short notice for her... so she won''t be there. My mother really coddles me when I''m sick... UNLESS its a social occasion. Then no quarter is asked or given. If i coughed and copped out I''d never hear the end of it. Not worth it, trust me. I''ll just do the pretty.

Diamond Fan I could kiss you! I just told DF that we could have my mother''s maid come in and clean and he looked at me like I''m a goddess! I''m gonna have to ask my mother tomorrow for her number! (Although I''ll get some complaining from her, "Why can''t John do it..." My mother doesn''t like DF). Maybe I''ll get my boss''s maid instead. No family connection that way. Whew! Light. Tunnel.

Indy... he''s a PITA. I''ll work on him.

I have vacation coming up in in July. WooHoo. But until then, no. Too many deadlines and details only I can handle. It''s a great thing to be the ONLY lawyer in an entire department. They need you and are always thrilled your there. But, no one can take your place either when there is a lot to do. That''s where I am at work. So I can''t take time off. Memorial Day will be my next break. I can''t WAIT.

I jut realized that I''m exhausted. I''m know good advice when I hear it. I''m off to bed.

Thank you guys, for the doses of sanity. Everyonce in a while mine just flys right out the window.
 

So_happy

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Gypsy~ I really hope you are able to get the physical and emotional rest you deserve and need! You are going through so much at one time!!
 

sumbride

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honey... resting with pneumonia isn''t optional. It''s required. I know you have a lot going on right now, but life would be a lot worse if you end up in the hospital, and if 3 courses of antibiotics haven''t cleared your lungs, that''s where you''ll end up soon. It was such a relief to me, in the end, that my doctor put me on bed rest. I was bored senseless for a while, but I knew that if I didn''t rest, I would never get better. It''s been a month since I finished my bed rest and antibiotics and I''m still tired, but on the mend. You seriously HAVE to rest. You HAVE to.
 

KimberlyH

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Gypsy,

I am so glad you''re having your mom''s housecleaner come over to help out. Spend as little time as humanly possible at the wake tomorrow, get home and get into bed. Rest, rest, rest...that''s what you need. If you can''t take off work, you need to make it the only other thing you do besides work.

You seem a bit more calm, that''s good. Keep taking deep breathes. And remind you SO that you are partners, not parent/child and you need to talk to each other.
 

Gypsy

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Hi All,

The wake was EXHAUSTING. I''m barely functioning today. Maid is coming this week!!! Thank GOD. Possibly today even!! I''m going to take a nap at lunch, and when I go home, I''m just going to crawl into bed.

Thank you all for the help!

I really appreciate it.

Kim-- DF was raised by June and Ward Cleaver so at times it is really difficult for him to remember that he doesn''t have to be stoic and protect the little woman. I just left it alone for this weekend. But right after the maid comes I''m planning on hitting him with the whole, "I''m not your Mother and you''re not your father," thing again.
 

KimberlyH

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Date: 4/9/2007 1:12:00 PM
Author: Gypsy
Hi All,

The wake was EXHAUSTING. I''m barely functioning today. Maid is coming this week!!! Thank GOD. Possibly today even!! I''m going to take a nap at lunch, and when I go home, I''m just going to crawl into bed.

Thank you all for the help!

I really appreciate it.

Kim-- DF was raised by June and Ward Cleaver so at times it is really difficult for him to remember that he doesn''t have to be stoic and protect the little woman. I just left it alone for this weekend. But right after the maid comes I''m planning on hitting him with the whole, ''I''m not your Mother and you''re not your father,'' thing again.
Gypsy, I''m glad the wake is over, and the made is coming! Good luck with the conversation and take care of yourself!!!
 

ephemery1

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Date: 4/7/2007 8:47:05 PM
Author: Gypsy

He's taking me out right now. To the store, wants to get me out of the house. He's taking care of me again. And all I feel is guilty.
Oh Gypsy, I read this and almost burst into tears... you've just described my last 3 months! I wish I could offer you a solution, but at the very least, I can empathize... that feeling of being so overwhelmed that your own body is starting to shut down and your emotions are starting to play head-games with you. And my poor fiance has definitely taken the brunt of it... no matter how many times I remind myself how much I love him.


Somehow when I originally booked our May 5th wedding date, I overlooked the fact that I would be graduating from my 2nd masters program, preparing for comprehensive exams, completing an intensive 600 hour counseling internship and simultaneously working on a huge project for the family business. I went to a physical therapist for back issues, the doctor for chest pain and chronic headaches, and a dentist for TMJ/teeth-grinding... before the dentist looked at my mouth in horror and asked, "have you been under an extreme amount of stress???" Well now that she mentions it...

I have to keep reminding myself that this is just one extremely surreal period in our very long life together... and this too shall pass. I know myself well enough to know that when I am overwhelmed, I tend to think irrationally... so when I am feeling so low that I've forgotten the light at the end of the tunnel even exists, I remind myself that my perspective is just a bit warped right now, and that things WILL get better. Just like they have before.

But in order for them to get better, I have to let myself feel what I feel without being judgmental of myself... which means no guilt. Be patient with yourself... you cannot expect to handle every situation perfectly... getting annoyed with FI once in a while is perfectly okay, and letting him take care of you once in a while is okay also. He can handle it... so just let go... and give him a little credit for knowing you (and what you need) almost as well as you know yourself. Sometimes better.

Just in case any of that helps at all....
But in the meantime, I'm glad you're feeling better!!!
 

Gypsy

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Oh Ephemery! I''m so sorry you''re life is surreal too! It''s so hard to not get tunnel vision and feel like a rat in a maze with no end in sight. I just get so... crushed. I''m sorry your physically sick too... it just makes it worse because your external life feels out of control... and then your body does too and it''s like your standing on quicksand and sinking fast.


I hear you about not handling everything perfectly. It''s just a strain because at work, I HAVE to... and then I feel that when I get home I behave badly. But I''ll be a little easier on myself. The codiene cough medicine makes that earier...lol.

What you wrote totally does help. I''m just... I feel like an island right now... and its nice to know that there are bridges... or at least boats to the mainland available. KWIM?

((HUGS)) Ephem! I''m sorry you''re in a yucky place too.
 

poptart

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Gypsy, you need sleep!! How are you still functioning after being sick for this long? Have you gone back to the doctor? I''m sorry about your FI treating you as though you were really fragile, but I have to admit I would be worried about causing you any undue stress or worry, too. He is doing what he thinks is best for you, and don''t feel guilty for being sick. Just make sure you get as much rest as possible, ok?

*M*
 

Gypsy

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Will I''m working some reduced hours when I can... just come in for 5 or 6 then go home-- and I''ve done that once a week for the last 3 weeks. I''m actually better than I was... still not great, but much better. And I did take a few days off when I first got hit with it.. 4 weeks ago. But I think part of the problem is that I''m on SUPER HIGH doses of the antibiotics, plus the cough medicine... and steriods for my breathing (not doing anything good for my figure let me tell you) and I think the drugs while attacking the infection are taking a toll on my body. One of my biggest problems (other than the fact that all my upper body muscles are SORE from the coughing) is weakness. I am very lightheaded and have trouble walking and driving (I''ve been carpooling and DF''s been driving me in). I''ve been eating a lot of protien as usually, but have been eating a lot of carbs too (which I normally don''t) because my body needs fast energy all the time. And the steriod weight gain isn''t helping the self esteem.
. In a nutshell. This sucks. I go home and just lie on the couch, eat on the couch, then go to sleep, pass out, then come to work... and do the same thing all over again.
 

poptart

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I assume you are keeping yourself really hydrated, too? I remember reading that because of your job there is no one else to pick up work because it''s stuff only you know how to do... but is there anyway you could bring some of the work home and that way you could at least rest on the couch or in bed while working?

*M*
 

Gypsy

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Believe me I''ve only been able to get away with that once... at the beginning. There is a strict company wide policy against working from home, and the VP of our Dept. just will not authorizeit. The day I did do it was because the GC on the other side stood me up for our meeting the day before then could only reschedule on the day I was going to the Dr. for chest x-rays and blood tests... so I was actually working for the doctor''s office, the car and the hosptial. It''s THAT discouraged around here. I''ve been napping in my office or in my car at lunch.

Yes, I''m so hydrated I''m going to the bathroom several times an hour. LOL. I know it doesn''t sound like it, but I am being careful and (within the work contraints) taking it as easy as I can. Fortunately, my work commute now that I''m carpooling all the time is down to about 15-20 minutes.
 

San Diego Bride

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gypsy,

i''m sorry you''re going through a rough patch. a quick question about the steroids... is it possible for you to wean off them or change from oral (if this is what you''re taking) to inhaled? in addition to the hunger and weight stuff, steroids can wreak emotional havoc. they can induce a variety of emotions from depression to rage. if they''re not helping the cough/pneumonia and may be hurting you in other ways can you start weaning? unfortunately even with the best care sometimes these things can last for several weeks. you can throw all the medicine you want at them, but, in the end, healing happens in its own time. a little zen perhaps, but a thought nonetheless.

novia
 

diamondfan

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Look, I realize work is important but so is your health. Pneumonia, even in a young healthy person is, is nothing to take lightly. I am sorry, but since when are you obligated to endanger yourself or put yourself in a hospital for work? Everyone gets sick days or has need for them if something unforeseen comes up. I am really sorry you are going through all this.
 

Gypsy

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Hi DF,
I see your point, I really do. And I REALLY appreciate the concern. The funny thing is my boss agrees with you. Although she can't cover for me fully when I'm out she's been helping me out considerably with what she can.

I'm just worried. I'm new at my job... our VP is under fire by more senior executives and two people have already quit... and another was fired. This is a 'make or break' time at work... and I want to make it. Especially having just moved here. If our VP gets fired... or resigns then I have to make sure I'm not replaced.

As for sick days, yes most people get sick days. BUT, there is a hiring freeze at the company so they are having a hard time pushing through my paper work, although I've been promised my offer letter by the end of next week at the latest (I was supposed to have in December). I'm still on an hourly requisition as a result, and get no sick time. And I have no health insurance right now. This illness has already cost me thousands. Which right now, is a lot. The fact that I'm not permanent yet,is also adding to my stress and frustration and too my insecurity regarding taking time too much time off.

So, I am doing the best I can in what is a bit of a difficult situation. It's also why I didn't post about it till now. I sound insane. I know I do. Not resting 24/7 with pneumonia... There's nothing I can do. If I hadn't flipped out and gone nuts this weekend I wouldn't have said anything either, because well... there are no options right now.



Novia... I started with inhaled... Advair 250... then 500... I was still having severe breathing issues and needed to go in for nebulizer treatments so they put me on oral. One weeks worth and I'm at the end of the week... so far it's worked... they are going to switch me back to the 500 Advair after this.

Rage from steriods huh?? Well, that at least, explains A LOT. No wonder!! Okay, that at least made me feel better. I was wondering if I was losing my mind. Whew!


ETA: Thank you all for the advice and support. I'm gonna crash for the night. It's eight pm dont'cha know??? LOL.
 

diamondfan

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They definitely call it roid rage. Not sure if that is anabolics only, but whenever my kids are on the nebs with steroids they get rammy, so I am sure they do not help an adults mood. Add new job stress, a cross country move, fatigue...and well, I am surprised you held it together this long!
 
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