"Are you pregnant?"

[Niel]

What do you think about asking someone this?
Now I'm not talking 5 months along and you're finally noticing there belly pics on facieb or all there nursery pins on pinterest....

But when maybe they are a month or two along. I know a lot of people say you might consider holding off telling people until your first trimester is over because of the chance of miscarriage.

So do you think its appropriate to ask someone that if you suspect they are? Maybe they aren't drinking in a setting they usually would be, or they are sick a lot, you know, something.
I feel like its rude just because there's no good answer. What of they are? They you've put them in an awkward position of having to lie or tell you when they were not ready to. What if they aren't? Could be an emotional topic. Or she's take it as you think she's gaining weight.

 

[pregcurious]

Re:

I find no point of asking. Here's why:

If I'm close enough to ask a person this question, without being nosy or intrusive, I will already know the answer.

If I'm not close enough to already know, it's none of my business.

In general, I find this a good rule of thumb for just about any question, except for superficial questions (about the weather, etc).

 

[kenny]

Re: Re:

I find no point of asking.

But, I thought you were pregcurious.

 

[AGBF]

Re:

I have seen various pieces of advice like, "Never ask a woman if she is pregnant unless the baby is crowning" and so forth.

Below are excerpts from:

"Why You Should Never Ask a Woman If She Is Pregnant"

Ever.

By Rebekka Shepherd | December 14, 2012 at 10:33 am

"I know we haven’t officially met, but I wanted to interrupt your regularly scheduled program to pass along a little friendly advice. Think of it as a public-service announcement as we venture ever further into the Season of Eating, a time when all of us are trying our damnedest (hello, enormous sweater) to hide a few extra gingerbread-induced pounds.

Okay, here goes: Never, ever (EVER!) ask a woman if she is pregnant. You run the risk of looking like an idiot and causing copious amounts of embarrassment (and, probably, tears. In that order.) in the highly plausible scenario that she’s not actually pregnant and just maybe, you know, not looking her very best at that particular moment in time.

I always figured this little nugget of wisdom was obvious enough on its own that it didn’t need to be stated aloud. You know, sort of like, 'Don’t stick your hand in the fire, moron.' But apparently I was mistaken. Here’s why: In the past year, five people (5!) have stopped me and congratulated me on my pregnancy. Before you shout 'Mazel tov!' at your computer screen and crack open a bottle of champagne, there’s more: I AM NOT PREGNANT.

So here’s what I would like to tell you today: If ever you pass a lady on the street and think to yourself, 'I want to ruin that lady’s day,' go ahead and ask her when her baby is due. You will certainly ruin her day and potentially her week and month with it. No amount of other people saying, 'What! That person was crazy!' will make her feel any better.

I know this because it has happened to me … five times. Last week was the most recent incident. We had food delivered at work for a large meeting, and when I stood up from my desk to sign the credit card slip, the delivery man shouted (literally, shouted), 'Congratulations! Girl or boy?' When I informed him that the answer was neither, which was awkward enough, he asked me why I don’t want a baby. Is there a polite way to say to someone, 'Please, just stop talking'? Instead, I gave him a $5 tip then had a good cry at my desk.

To the four men who have asked me about my non-existent upcoming birth, here are a few things you should know:

1. Once upon a time, I was chubby. I got married, gained 20 pounds (did you know this is a thing? Like the freshman 15, but with marriage. Whatever you lost for the wedding, plus 10 pounds. Who knew?), then I lost 20 pounds (hooray, Weight Watchers!) and have maintained it ever since. By asking me if I am pregnant, you just undid everything good I felt about myself up until this moment.

2. You are on my list, Kill Bill-style, for life. Although I will smile at you while you fix the photocopier, sign for the packages you deliver and give you your $5 tip for delivering the office pizza, I have dismembered you in my head many times over.

3. Empire-waist clothing is not just for pregnant ladies. They are universally flattering and comfortable, and most women—yes, even the super-duper skinny ones—probably have a shirt or dress in that style.

4. No matter what else you say after you ask a woman if she is pregnant (even if she is actually pregnant, say several pregnant friends of mine), all she will hear is, 'I THINK YOU ARE FAT.' There is literally no recovering from the previous question, and your best bet is to just run. Run fast, run far, just run.

Here is my cardinal rule about asking a woman if she is pregnant: Unless you can see the baby making its way out of the womb, do.not.ask. Not even if her ankles are swollen 18 times their normal size and she is wearing sweatpants to work because that’s all that fits her right now. Not even if her belly has popped so far that you have to back up 10 steps so that she can turn around. Not even if her water just broke alllllll over your shoes—okay, maybe at that point you get a pass. But barring that! Unless that baby is crowning like you saw when you were traumatized by that Miracle of Birth video in high school sex-ed, do not ask a woman if she is pregnant. Ever."

AGBF

 

[JulieN]

Re:

http://live.washingtonpost.com/dear-prudence-130304.html#Body-Issues

Q.
Body Issues

Dear Prudence, I have been given the unfortunate gift of an awkward body shape. I have fairly thin legs, normal sized thighs, tiny breasts, and a huge gut. I am often asked if I am pregnant. I have been asked this question by colleagues, clients, professors, and even random people while shopping. There are many times where I've wanted to give an inappropriate response to the query, however I don't have the heart to offend people in such a manner. I have normally taken the road to sharing with these questioning folks that I am not pregnant, but just packing on a few extra pounds. I am curious to know if there is a better way to handle such issues, as I know I'm not the only portly lady to deal with such rudeness. Signed, Not Pregnant

A.
Emily Yoffe :

To paraphrase Dave Barry, if you don't know whether a woman is pregnant or not, you never mention the possibility, even if you notice that a baby's head is emerging from between her legs. As for you, you do not have to make any excuses for yourself when asked this question. Just smile and say, "No." The extremely awkward pause that follows should remind the questioner of Dave Barry's dictum.

 

[urseberry]

Re:

I've been asked if I am pregnant. No, I was not. It sucks. Please don't do this to anyone.

 

[stracci2000]

Re:

Oh yes, this happened to me. I was so traumatized, that I have never forgetten it.
It was December 1988, I was at a wedding, I remember what dress I was wearing, and how my hair was fixed.
A friend's father asked me when the baby was due. I said "He's three months old now."
Then I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I'm still pi$$ed off at that old man.

 

[AprilBaby]

Re:

My daughter in law is 20 weeks right now. She kinda looks more like she ate too many donuts. (Meaning more overweight than pregnant, she is generally thin), if she didn't tell you, you wouldn't assume. I don't say anything, but she is a teacher and already fed up with remarks from parents. "You look enormous already". "You need to eat more, your legs are too skinny". "You don't look pregnant". "Have you been on vacation, you look like you gained weight". Everyone has an opinion. She is actually upset because she has only gained one pound and wants to look pregnant! I did tell her to be happy, she will look pregnant soon enough and she won't have to worry about losing a lot of weight!

 

[TooPatient]

Re:

Never.

I knew a woman when I was younger who always looked pregnant. I had the good sense to NOT ask her (thank you Grandma for teaching me manners!). Since then, I've known other women who gained a few pounds or whatever. That is one question you NEVER ask.
There was only ONE time a woman I thought was pregnant actually was. Again, I did NOT ask her this. I showed up for my volunteer work one week and found she was on maternity leave. The other women looked at me like I was dumb for not knowing but that is FAR better than asking and being wrong (or right!).

Several women in my life are currently pregnant. You know how I found out? They posted the due date on the white board or mentioned their morning sickness in conversation.


Oh...
And to that dim-witted x-ray tech who made sure my ankle wasn't broken a couple of weeks ago -- I'm NOT pregnant!
If a woman tells you she isn't pregnant (standard question for x-ray... got that!), do NOT argue with her
After the THIRD time you looked at me funny and asked if I was really sure, that was just way too much.
Thanks a whole heck of a lot. My ankle was in great pain. I had to pee. I was sweaty and covered in filth from falling. And I'm fat.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re:

I don't think that is possible...

 

[lknvrb4]

Re:

I would only ask my sister and that is because we are close, but no I would never ask anyone else. I am normally pretty skinny but I get extremely bloated when I eat certain foods and look pregnant, I would be mortified if anyone asked me if I was pregnant.

 

[Circe]

Re:

Neil, your timing is uncanny.

Last night, I walked into a friend's home for dinner, and she greeted me by putting her hand on my belly and saying, "congratulations!"

A) I have a history of infertility, which she knows.

B) I may be fooling myself here - like, I know I'm 10lbs over fighting weight, but BMI-wise I'm in the gold, I'm in great shape in terms of what I can DO, one of the few women I know who does chin-ups, etc., etc. - but I'm 40-28-38. Those are Christina Hendricks measurements. I may look zaftig, junoesque, chubby, you choose the word, but I don't think I look pregnant. And I STILL feel absolutely (if you'll pardon the expression) gutted.

C) The friend who did this has struggled with her weight the whole time I've known her, is really fashion-conscious (Audrey Hepburn is her idol), and believes buying a double-digit dress size is a sign of one's consignment to the The Outer Darkness. I know this, because I just helped her shop for a dress for her wedding reception (so, not bridal sizes, straight sizes) and watched her freak the **** out when she had trouble fitting a 12. So I feel like coming from her ... it's not the blithely naive & relatively innocent thing that it is coming from some clueless man.

D) HULK SMASH.

 

[missy]

Re:

I never ever comment on anyone's weight. Ever. In what alternate universe is this OK? It seems people have no common sense whatsoever reading some of these stories. Sheesh.

Circe, I am sorry that happened and with friends like those I don't think you need enemies. Doesn't sound like she is very nice (and sounds like she is jealous). Sorry if I am going on too little info but really? I cannot believe a friend would make such a comment. Frenemy maybe.
And btw those are great measurements. Sexy and healthy and way to go. Don't let anybody make you feel otherwise. Sounds to me as if she has many body image issues. I love Audrey Hepburn too but you do know she was anorexic most of her life. Not someone's body type to aspire to yanno?

 

[MMtwo]

Re:

Noooooooo. I made this mistake once. She was not pregnant.

 

[aviastar]

Re:

Oh no, no, no, no, this is never an appropriate question. Ever.

I've had two incidences recently, which is bitter in the extreme as we've been trying for 14 months with zero success so far. I don't think I look pregnant, but we've been married for two years and I don't drink alcohol anyway so people make nosy assumptions.

One was a customer, she cornered me while I was out eating lunch. The other was a neighbor who caught a glance of me at the midwives office- I was there for an ultrasound to check my clomid response. I managed to get out of that one by not making eye contact, but she called my mother in law! Who valiantly tried to deflect, "nope, must have been someone else", while this crazy lady insisted that it was me and maybe I hadn't told her yet? Thank goodness my MIL is a sane and kind person and already knows about our infertility.

I was tempted to call that neighbor back and let her know just how insensitive and hurtful she was being. Why don't you just give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice all over it?

 

[Nyc2chigal]

Re:

Nope. I don't ask.
The only time I'd talk about a pregnancy with an acquaintance is if they mention it.

 

[Circe]

Re: Re:

I never ever comment on anyone's weight. Ever. In what alternate universe is this OK? It seems people have no common sense whatsoever reading some of these stories. Sheesh.

Circe, I am sorry that happened and with friends like those I don't think you need enemies. Doesn't sound like she is very nice (and sounds like she is jealous). Sorry if I am going on too little info but really? I cannot believe a friend would make such a comment. Frenemy maybe.
And btw those are great measurements. Sexy and healthy and way to go. Don't let anybody make you feel otherwise. Sounds to me as if she has many body image issues. I love Audrey Hepburn too but you do know she was anorexic most of her life. Not someone's body type to aspire to yanno?

She can be passive-aggressive at times, and plain 'ole aggressive at others ... the hell of it is, it's usually massively obvious when she's doing it! Ex: during a period when she didn't have health insurance, she would meet every instance of somebody discussing subpar medical care - like to the point of malpractice - with a deep sigh and the observation, as if to the air, that it must be nice to be able to go to the doctor ... or how when I mentioned that I was thinking of moving to Brooklyn, she told me I wouldn't feel comfortable in Williamsburg because of all the European ex-pats. I'm married to a Swede. I pointed that out, and she said (pityingly), "No, cool ones. French." I ... just ...

(Before you ask me why I'm even friends with this person at all, we met when she sublet my grad school room-mate's room for a year, she's the best roommate I've ever had (including my husband, who, sadly, neither shares my taste in decor, my attitude towards cleaning, or - at the time - my dress size), and when she is good, she is very, very good ... the type of friend who will cook honest-to-god old-school chicken broth when you're sick and bring it to you in another borough if you're under the weather. It's just that when she is bad ... she is horrid.)

But this time, she seemed, a) genuinely happy for me, and then, b) ridiculously chagrined when she saw my eyebrows hit my hairline ... she was a little drunk when I got there. So, methinks I must honestly have worn the least flattering combo EVAH. But I'm still on the nopetopus train when it comes to asking people about the state of their wombs, now more than ever. And I really appreciate the kind words from *you* ... generally I'm very much a HAES type, all about the unconventional beauty, and a proponent of owning your own unique beauty, whatever form it takes. Just ... daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.

Oh no, no, no, no, this is never an appropriate question. Ever.

I've had two incidences recently, which is bitter in the extreme as we've been trying for 14 months with zero success so far. I don't think I look pregnant, but we've been married for two years and I don't drink alcohol anyway so people make nosy assumptions.

One was a customer, she cornered me while I was out eating lunch. The other was a neighbor who caught a glance of me at the midwives office- I was there for an ultrasound to check my clomid response. I managed to get out of that one by not making eye contact, but she called my mother in law! Who valiantly tried to deflect, "nope, must have been someone else", while this crazy lady insisted that it was me and maybe I hadn't told her yet? Thank goodness my MIL is a sane and kind person and already knows about our infertility.

I was tempted to call that neighbor back and let her know just how insensitive and hurtful she was being. Why don't you just give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice all over it?

Aviastar, your neighbor sounds genuinely crazy-pants. I am so sorry you had to deal with that ... with fertility issues, it's ridiculously painful to have to deny the condition you desire. What an insensitive, self-centered drama queen she must be, to put her desire to "know" above any thought of somebody else's feelings, regardless of whether they stem from a desire for privacy or otherwise. Blech, a thousand times blech ....

 

[ksinger]

Re:

The one time I didn't ask, was because I didn't assume. I actually assumed that she was gaining weight around the middle, thought it odd and went on. Well, she WAS pregnant, and while I was glad I hadn't asked (they were not yet married), I felt chagrined that I didn't figure it out: back then at least, you never saw a young woman with a gut. Nowadays I see that weight pattern in a LOT of young women. Something changed in the last 30+ years - more corn syrup? Empty junk calories? Who knows, but there sure are a lot of really young women now putting on weight in a male pattern.

Oh, they are still married, only had the one daughter who is now a lawyer, and she and mom are best friends.

So, no, I would never ask. Ever.

 

[momhappy]

Re:

My rule of thumb in this is never, ever, ever, ever, ever….. ask someone if they are pregnant. Under no circumstances would I inquire about a pregnancy. I don't care if they are 9 months along and it's painfully obvious (literally).

 

[CJ2008]

Re:

I don't *think* I've ever asked this question - I don't recall ever asking it, but I can't be sure, because I didn't realize or think of it as a "rule." But I'm sure that if I ever did ask, it was only when it was really really obvious. I'm thinking that it wasn't a question as much as a "congratulations!" comment.

Although now reading these posts I'm realizing I shouldn't have. And now that I will think of it as "rule" will be easy to remember not to do it.

I wonder though do any of you ever feel like it may come off like you're not acknowledging something that's (usually) a joyful occasion?

One thing I did learn not to ever do a long time ago: not comment on anybody's weight, whether it's gain, or loss, whether it's a male or a female. The weight loss could be due to illness, stress, etc. - someone losing weight doesn't necessarily mean a "good" or happy thing for them. I will never forget that.

 

[amc80]

Re:

No. Never ever. I have friends who ask me that all the time (as in, every time I see/talk to them). God forbid I decide to just have water instead of a Diet Coke...And even if I am pregnant, I will tell you when I feel it's appropriate to do so. Yes, that means I may lie to your face.

This actually just happened to me on Friday. I was at a friend's house, visiting her new baby. Her husband was there as well. She asked me how trying for #2 was going and if I was pregnant. As a matter of fact, yes, I am, but after two early miscarriages in a row, I'm keeping it to myself (um, and PS) for a while.

 

[jstarfireb]

Re:

One of my favorite pics on all of the Interwebz...

 

[ame]

Re:

Well, I carry all my weight in the middle and look pregnant despite not being pregnant. I would not ask ever, period, ever. You have no idea what this does to a person's self worth, even if you KNOW the person is pregnant. People ask me EVERY DAY, sometimes more than once a day, when my baby is due, what I am having, am I excited. Some people actually touch my stomach without permission. For years this has gone on, even when I've lost tons of weight, my belly is always there. Usually I play along, but if someone touches me or is pushy about it I say something absolutely vicious in return, usually "thanks to the right wing, my right to abort my rapists baby was taken away, so I now have to carry an unwanted spawn to term and hope someone will take it off my hands for the right price later." That usually does the trick.

 

[ame]

Re: Re:

One of my favorite pics on all of the Interwebz...

LOL And yet no one learns.

 

[random_thought]

Re:

Someone asked me that in a drive through once if I had burger cravings bc I was pregnant. Except I wasn't pregnant. Endometriosis can cause extreme flareups that cause the appearance of being pregnant. I was also in the middle of finding out about my infertility. You can just imagine the email their corporate headquarters got from me

 

[TooPatient]

Re:

DH says "Never!"

He also started giggling and suggested the Seinfeld episode as a great example of just how horribly wrong that question can go. (Taken to extreme, arguably poor taste, but hilarious)

 

[packrat]

Re:

I've been asked several times since my first was born. Once I had to argue w/my dentist, similar to the xray tech above, about it. And then it was silence and "ohhh yeah see we still have it in the computer in your file from when you were pregnant w/Trapper ohh see that's it, our mistake" (cuz sorry um no, Trapper was about 4 at the time which means I'd been in to see her at least 7 times since I'd had him where it would've been changed but yeah whatever)

 

[random_thought]

Re:

I just wanna say that I think it is a damn shame that this keeps happening to those of us who are dealing with infertility. As if it's not hard enough already...

My thoughts and prayers are with those dealing with it currently and in the past. My hopes are strong for any who have to deal with it in the future because the advancements in medicine currently being made are incredible!

 

[Sparklelu]

Never ask. I was 15 weeks pregnant with my 3rd and miscarried and kinda still had the "look" I had 2 people ask me when was I due and it was very difficult for me.

A very good friend of mine had a body type that made her look a bit pregnant and had a terrible time with getting nasty comments when we were all out partying about drinking while pregnant!

 

[aviastar]

Re: Re:

Aviastar, your neighbor sounds genuinely crazy-pants. I am so sorry you had to deal with that ... with fertility issues, it's ridiculously painful to have to deny the condition you desire. What an insensitive, self-centered drama queen she must be, to put her desire to "know" above any thought of somebody else's feelings, regardless of whether they stem from a desire for privacy or otherwise. Blech, a thousand times blech ....

Yea, I can't figure out if she's actually a little dumb or if she plays up the obliviousness to get her way, either way she is not...my favorite. Luckily, 'neighbor' actually means same general vincinity; she lives on the opposite side of the 500 acre farm that is actually my next door neighbor. So the plus side of her being pregnant when I am not is that we will hopefully never have children in the same class at school

And I am sorry you have to deal with infertility and oblivious and/or passive aggressive people, too. It's such a no win question all around- either a) yes I am and you've just blown my secret, b) no, but thanks for pointing out my weight gain, or c) no, and I desperately wish I was. How is this ever an acceptable question?