Are You Appreciated?

[Ally T]

I am not one to rant, but this maybe a long one.

I seem to spend ALL of my weekends washing & drying clothes, loading & emptying the dishwasher, hoovering the kitchen area (the most used area of the house) & even closing & unclosing blinds / curtains. I kid you not - it takes around 20 minutes each evening for me to go around the ground floor of this house & close blinds / curtains. Whilst everyone else has an ‘actual’ weekend break.

On a Saturday morning I have a lie-in & Mr T gets up at 7am to deal with the pup. I am usually up by 8am but have been unusually exhausted as this past week I have also had Covid, whilst Mr T has been away from Wed to Fri doing the Christmas Party Circuit of his business, beer, football matches etc. So I have had to deal with that as well as life, whilst also wanting to cry / fall asleep at the drop of a hat & wheezing endlessly.

This morning I quietly flipped my lid. I woke thankful for the sleep just after 9am, showered, dressed & came down to…. A house in complete darkness. Because Mr T “can’t be bothered” to go around & open all the blinds / curtains & apart from the kitchen, everywhere was still in darkness.

I took my eldest out at 3pm to buy her Christmas Day outfit, after spending an hour sat writing & stamping all the family & friends Christmas Cards. I came back to a finished but still full dishwasher, a tumble dryer beeping it’s brains out to signify it was done & needed folding, no pets fed dinner, no blinds or curtains drawn despite being pitch black & Mr T lying on the kitchen sofa watching sports TV. And then I cooked dinner.

How do I approach this?

Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for my lot, but no household is perfect & 100% rosy despite all the love & respect for each other.

If I ever criticise or pull up the Mr, he gets hugely petulant. His mother says he has been the same since a child - hates conflict or confrontation so gets snappy, mean & defensive. He reminds me of the 5 year old children at my school, which I blurted at him a few months ago & it shut him up pretty quick.

I just want some help & it’s not unreasonable. I work part time & nowhere near the same long hours as he does. I am mostly caretaker, home maker & here to be 100% for the girls & their schooling / after school activities. I work at a school so am tied to term time holidays with them.. This means Mr T can go to marathons ALL over the world with his mother & brothers, or golfing retreats in Portugal whenever he fancies without even checking in with me, as he knows I am at work if they are in school.

I’m pretty sick of it, as you can see. I feel fully taken for granted. I have spoken to my mother tonight & she says unfortunately this issue is as old as time & was the same for her, a stay at home mum of 4 whilst my father worked & did his thing.

I love Mr T & my babies SO much. But what do I do?? Earlier I quickly & angrily scribbled a list of chores in the kitchen & things I expect (girls to put their clean washing away THE SAME DAY as I leave it on their beds rather than dump it onto the floor & leave it there until it’s used up, empty the kitchen bins if full rather than keep ramming stuff into them, etc). I presume Mr T saw it as he cleared away the dinner dishes without being asked.

I am at a loss. The weekends are for me to enjoy too, rather than feeling like a full on housemaid.

 

[MissGotRocks]

It is a tale as old as time I’m afraid! To me, helping means you take on a particular chore and do it all the time without being asked or reminded. Otherwise, while the help can be appreciated, it can’t be counted on and doesn’t take anything off of your plate.

I would consider a family meeting. It may not make a huge difference in the long run, but raising everyone’s awareness never hurt. I would tell them we have a problem and ask for their suggestions in solving it. Don’t be surprised to be told that you worry about it all too much or that you want everything to be perfect all the time. At that point, take it upon yourself to assign chores to the kids. Make a check off sheet if necessary; allowance or privileges might depend on completion. Don’t be surprised either to have to revisit this every so often! Ask hubby to be more aware of things that obviously need done; unloading a dishwasher or folding a load of laundry never hurt anyone! Awareness is a core value of a happy home and wife!

Lastly, schedule some time for yourself away from the house. The chores can wait for a bit or they can eat from paper plates. It is hard to be the heart of the home and enjoy quiet time while in it. Unfortunate, but true. Take a walk, meet a friend for lunch, see a movie. It can help change your perspective and make you feel less like an indentured servant! They appreciate you immensely though they don’t say it, and they don’t act like it. They would be lost without you. One day, when they are grown with homes of their own, they will totally get it. You will get a good laugh out of it - ask me how I know! Lol!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Oh lovely, I am sorry for your Covid infection--may you recover quickly. Being sick SUCKS!

Thing is you can be loved and appreciated, yet still be put upon. If you've always done "those jobs" it will always be viewed that you "own" them. You are allowed to un-own them. However, It is tough to drop the rope.

Because participation is complicated. MGR makes reference to this. And you are correct--NO household is without issues. Negotiation is at the fore. Boundaries.

You've had a lot of stress with your house, decisions, decorating etc etc etc new pup. Can/does a person get burned out? You bet.

Is it possible for you to ask your MIL to take a few shifts at your place while you go Marathoning or golfing with your DH? Why should she have all the fun? LOL. (that was cheeky)

cheers--Sharon

 

[Matata]

@MissGotRocks gave you A+++ first rate advice. I'd add hiring someone to come in once a week or twice a month to clean. I'm surprised you didn't add smart home elements when you remodeled. Adding motorized blinds & shades is a possibility.

 

[jeaniefish]

Hi Ally T,
You have every reason to rant! I hope that it makes you feel a little better. Wives and moms being taken for granted is a tale as old as time. I completely agree with MissGotRocks that a family meeting is in order. Silently fuming to yourself while you go around picking up dirty clothes , doing the cooking and washing up, etc., is not going to change your family’s behavior.
Canuk-gal had a great suggestion about swapping places with your MIL and taking one of those fun trips with your husband while she spends quality time with her grand daughters. Sounds like she , and your DH , owe you that. I have to admit that my jaw dropped when I read that your husband and his family go on these trips while you stay home! I’m getting the feeling, from things that you said about “only” working part time that you don’t value your contributions to your family all that much. You are soooo wrong! You are the glue that holds your family together, and you don’t work part time. Moms work 24/7!
My advice would be to plan your own trip for a week or so and see how your family manages without you….and no food shopping ,cooking and freezing their meals ahead of time!
I wish you the best of luck with getting your family to come around and realize that they have been taking advantage of you . You deserve to be appreciated. Everyone does.

 

[seaurchin]

I too got what felt like second place position for a lot of years, even though most of it was what I wanted. It’s not fun to be the one that most of the menial drudgery falls on. It can be hard on the ego too!

But now we are retired and the kids are out of college and on their own. We’re in an apt right now but our next house will be smallish and not require much maintenance. Everything else has been simplified too and I like eating out. I’m over it! Well, i wasn’t that good at some of it anyway lol

Good ideas in this thread. Hope it gets resolved soon.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I am not one to rant, but this maybe a long one.

I seem to spend ALL of my weekends washing & drying clothes, loading & emptying the dishwasher, hoovering the kitchen area (the most used area of the house) & even closing & unclosing blinds / curtains. I kid you not - it takes around 20 minutes each evening for me to go around the ground floor of this house & close blinds / curtains. Whilst everyone else has an ‘actual’ weekend break.

On a Saturday morning I have a lie-in & Mr T gets up at 7am to deal with the pup. I am usually up by 8am but have been unusually exhausted as this past week I have also had Covid, whilst Mr T has been away from Wed to Fri doing the Christmas Party Circuit of his business, beer, football matches etc. So I have had to deal with that as well as life, whilst also wanting to cry / fall asleep at the drop of a hat & wheezing endlessly.

This morning I quietly flipped my lid. I woke thankful for the sleep just after 9am, showered, dressed & came down to…. A house in complete darkness. Because Mr T “can’t be bothered” to go around & open all the blinds / curtains & apart from the kitchen, everywhere was still in darkness.

I took my eldest out at 3pm to buy her Christmas Day outfit, after spending an hour sat writing & stamping all the family & friends Christmas Cards. I came back to a finished but still full dishwasher, a tumble dryer beeping it’s brains out to signify it was done & needed folding, no pets fed dinner, no blinds or curtains drawn despite being pitch black & Mr T lying on the kitchen sofa watching sports TV. And then I cooked dinner.

How do I approach this?

Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for my lot, but no household is perfect & 100% rosy despite all the love & respect for each other.

If I ever criticise or pull up the Mr, he gets hugely petulant. His mother says he has been the same since a child - hates conflict or confrontation so gets snappy, mean & defensive. He reminds me of the 5 year old children at my school, which I blurted at him a few months ago & it shut him up pretty quick.

I just want some help & it’s not unreasonable. I work part time & nowhere near the same long hours as he does. I am mostly caretaker, home maker & here to be 100% for the girls & their schooling / after school activities. I work at a school so am tied to term time holidays with them.. This means Mr T can go to marathons ALL over the world with his mother & brothers, or golfing retreats in Portugal whenever he fancies without even checking in with me, as he knows I am at work if they are in school.

I’m pretty sick of it, as you can see. I feel fully taken for granted. I have spoken to my mother tonight & she says unfortunately this issue is as old as time & was the same for her, a stay at home mum of 4 whilst my father worked & did his thing.

I love Mr T & my babies SO much. But what do I do?? Earlier I quickly & angrily scribbled a list of chores in the kitchen & things I expect (girls to put their clean washing away THE SAME DAY as I leave it on their beds rather than dump it onto the floor & leave it there until it’s used up, empty the kitchen bins if full rather than keep ramming stuff into them, etc). I presume Mr T saw it as he cleared away the dinner dishes without being asked.

I am at a loss. The weekends are for me to enjoy too, rather than feeling like a full on housemaid.

im sorry to read this
it is in no way fare, but who ever said life was fare

yes i feel underappreated but ive just came back from a nice morning with my workmates and i dont want to spoil that feeling so i wont elaporate just now
i often think is it because i didnt appreate my own mother and its payback

while its nice your MIL spends quality time with her son and grandkids, INHO the DIL needs to be a part of these outtings too

 

[empliau]

@Ally T -

Sometimes, no matter how much we love our families, what used to be bearable (perhaps with a wince, but even so) ceases to be bearable. You have had Covid, poor sweet, and need recovery - but you also deserve appreciation for what you do and help when it's too much. Or just help, because it's a whole lot!

I have been in a somewhat similar situation. Not terribly similar, but enough to go on with. My only advice is don't talk about it when you're tired, or stressed, or angry - all of which are totally justifiable. But it will make Mr. T push back, as you said, and that will do no good. And you will be coming from a place of pain, not reason, and that too is not optimal. After all, they love you, and will hear accusation, and will probably reject it - because of course they love you, and would never hurt you. What they need to hear is how things need to work going forward, without judgement.

It is a hard situation to be in. I offer hugs from afar, and hope you will find the right balance. Your PS family appreciates you!

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

sorry Ally
i forgot to say i hope the covid symptoms are gone and you are starting to feel better- probably still tired though

 

[kenny]

I also can say I feel unappreciated, and even take advantage of by my DH ... in some ways.
I do all this, but he does only that ... ... blah blah blah!

I could post much about feeling wronged.
But after decades of thinking this about all of my SOs, It's dawned on me to connect dots and recognize that some, perhaps many, of my complaints actually have me as their source, not him.
Overall he is a wonderful person whom I'm very lucky to share life and love with.
IOW, Perspective!

It's easy for our perception of fairness and equality to be distorted, by a trainload of baggage from our past.

@Ally T I'm not saying you do this.
I can only report about myself.
But you asked, and that's my 2-cent response.

 

[yssie]

Logs of hugs Ally

I can say that when I started travelling for work five or so years ago - I mean really travelling, gone for several days at a time, nowhere close to being able to “take care of things soon” - the household mental load quickly became much more evenly split. And I’ve stopped travelling so much but my other half’s self-teachings (specifically - not relying on me to see what needs to be done and assign chores) seem to have stuck. I still do more inside the house but I couldn’t even tell you where the weed whacker is, say, so I feel we’re at a fair split.

I hope you feel better soon!!

And if I may, and forgive me if this is too forward, but F the holiday cards. And F the laundry, folks will do their own once they run out of undies. And F absolutely everything else that doesn’t need-need to get done. Non-Chernobyl house (clean is great, non-toxic is good enough, hiring help counts!), family fed, pets healthy, the T family is #winning. Everything else is gravy. You’ve had an absolutely mad year, you’re sick, you need R&R!

 

[MrsC Jewelry]

I'm sorry you are going through all of this, especially while trying to get over covid. I hope you feel better soon.

There is a lot of smart advice, (MissGotRocks started the replies off strong!), so I don't have much to add.

Well, I mean, if things get really bad there is a chemical compound that doesn't show in the blood........ I'm 100% joking!

Unfortunately, I don't think the tale as old as time will change until society views the stay at home parents work for it's true value. All to often it seems that when one parent stays at home there is this expectation that the SAH parent is responsible for the cooking/cleaning/grocery shopping/child care/running errands...etc 24/7, but the reality is once you become a parent, that is a 24/7 job for both parents! Now when one leaves to work outside the home, for that time period the stay at home parent is taking on all the responsibilities, but when the outside the home shift ends and that person arrives home, so does the shift for the stay at home parent to be solely responsible for everything involving home/kids/cooking....etc. and the responsibilities now should be shared by both parents.

I think communication is key here, and there was great advice above about when to have these types of conversations. I know it's never a good time for me to have an important conversation when I'm hungry

I suggest approaching it as looking for MrT's opinion, so he doesn't feel like he is being criticized and shut down before he even hears what you have to say. Something along the lines of I'd like your opinion about some things, explain what's on your mind, and ask him for his suggestions on how to improve things. That could get him thinking about the situation, (to be able to offer solutions), and be able to understand your feelings better.

I hope you feel the support of all the stay at home parents lifting you up right now.

 

[monarch64]

@Ally T I just left when I’d had enough.

I realize that’s not what most people do.

Women are not on this earth to serve men or anyone else. That’s all I have to say.

 

[Ally T]

You are ALL amazing. What a fabulous source of wisdom & experience & advice I have at my fingertips. PriceScope should be called Priceless

I am definitely going to sit down with everyone, just casually & not when anyone is grumpy / poorly / hungry (so maybe over dinner in the week when I’m back on form) & just casually bring it up.

I will stay away from accusing & ask for advice & help as to how we can navigate the chores in this HUGE house, so that my weekends are a little more enjoyable.

On top of my rant, I have had 3 moles removed since June & 42 stitches. Two were cancerous but contained, the second & largest on the base of my back was harmless. I have had a full body check & am in the clear, so I have a lot to be thankful for & have promised the girls I will loosen up & become more adventurous in life. I am a lucky old sausage, really.

Also I do have a cleaner who does 5 hours each Friday & worth her weight in gold. Without her I would completely lose the plot. She went away for a week & it took me 2 hours just to superficially clean 5 bathrooms. Urgh. So we may get ‘homely’ & I need to endlessly hoover the kitchen, but we are always fresh & clean everywhere else.

Also the marathon running is actually his 78 year old mother. She runs 4 - 5 each year for Charity & takes her 3 boys with her for company. This year ‘they’ have run London, Albania, Gran Canaria & the Midnight Marathon in Tromso, Norway, where the sun doesn’t set through June & they run at night

I know they ALL love me & appreciate me, but they definitely don’t ‘see’ what I do because I just do it, like a magical fairy.

This morning I was down just after Mr T & I did ask why he hadn’t opened the blinds / curtains. He just said it was still dark after he’d fed the animals so he’d got on the sofa with the dog watching a movie & time escaped. BUT… I mentioned it. Once I have done that, his brain registers it. It’s annoying.

I have always joked that if I asked him to clean the inside of the windows with his tongue, he would jump up & do it immediately & do a bloody good job too. But his tiny brain doesn’t have the impetus to recognise that this job needs to be done in the first place.

He has taken the girls off to the Cinema this morning (I didn’t feel up to going) & I am going to make the most of the quiet & wrap Christmas presents. The girls have been doing a little each evening as they enjoy it & it’s a huge help, but I need to do their own gifts so will do that now.

Thank you. All of you. And I shall definitely plan some me time & let things slip a little if I need too.

 

[lissyflo]

I could have written your post/gripes word for word (except for the amount of curtains needing to be opened/closed!). I’m glad you sound happier in your subsequent post. If you do chat to your family about how you feel, just be prepared for it to be an ongoing conversation rather than a one-fix wonder.

I think a lot of the domestic chores women seem to pick up are invisible and appear to happen seamlessly which is part of the problem: the online food ordering, meal planning, general tidying, family diary management. Invisible but they mean that you’re constantly in ‘work’ mode.

I have occasional, but massive, sense of humour failures about the lack of help I get with domestic chores. I down tools as a result a couple of times a year - that leads to the realisation that the others in my household genuinely don’t care about clutter and mess in the same way I do. Either that or they’re so lazy they still won’t do their share even when I’m on strike . I’ve generally stopped nagging as it just makes me more annoyed.

I hope you have more success with your family & please share any tips if you do!

 

[missy]

Hi @Ally T, I am sorry you are dealing with this. The advice you have been given is solid and I have nothing significant to add. I think your plan going forward is a sound one and I hope it brings around positive changes for you and your family.

I can say that we all know communication is critical in every successful relationship. Our beloved family members cannot read minds and since you have always been doing the great majority of household chores I think they just fell into a complacent routine of not helping. I am confident once you emphasize your desire for help and more involvement from your dh (and maybe other family members) and a more fair share division (whatever that means to all of you) of the chores hopefully changes will be made, For the better. Good luck.

And happy holidays to you and yours. May the upcoming year be filled with joy, love, peace and lots of sharing of the chores








And maybe consider having your cleaning person come in more frequently?

 

[diamondringlover]

I too have a constant battle in my house...I still work full time, hubby is retired, during the week for the most part he does straighten stuff up and does some of the cooking, however the weekends roll around and he does nothing.......my only time off and I spend most of weekend running errands and doing chores and cooking..I complain and he says you are right....then NOTHING happens....our 26 year old son still lives at home since he wants to buy a house and not rent...however he isn't home that much but when he is well he is a big of slob as his dad....and house keeping services is not in our budget....oh well.......ugh....so no I am not appreciated

 

[dk168]

I am on my own for many reasons, and one of them is not to be a slave to other people.

Nearly 20y when I first hooked up with my late partner, I was involved in organising a formal charity dinner for a group, and spent lots of time, effort and resource on administration tasks such as printing the place setting with menu choices, list of raffle prizes, seating plans etc. etc..., well into the small hours close to the event itself.

On the night of the event, I believed I did a good job with no mistake with the seating plan and menu choices.

There were speeches and thank you's, including a gift for the person who came up with the idea of the charity dinner etc...

I was gutted not to be mentioned in any of the speeches, and felt my efforts went un-noticed and un-appreciated.

After the dinner, I had a little cry in the privacy of my hotel room, only my late partner knew how I truly felt, and he too thought it was a bit mean not for the others not to mention my involvement in the event, let alone to thank me for my hard work.

Since then, I swear I would only help and do what I would want to do myself, and not to expect any appreciation or gratitude from anyone else.

@Ally T if I were in your situation, I would go away on a 2-week holiday on my own and leave the family alone to fend for themselves, without any warning!!!

DK

 

[Mrs_Strizzle]

I just want to ask how old are your girls? In my view if they are tall enough to reach the washer and dryer buttons, they should be doing their own laundry. Perhaps they will require a bit of supervision in the beginning, but it is a life skill they need so might as well learn to do it themselves. I haven't washed my youngest boys clothes in probably 5 or more years. They do it themselves. They have their evening of the week they each do laundry so there is no fighting about it.

As for the curtains being opened/closed I understand the frustration except my husband leaves cabinets and drawers opened. But what is it really hurting? I was getting so annoyed and snapping at him for something so minute and allowing it to ruin our moments that we should be happy. Hubby thought I was just constantly nagging and I could feel it hurting us. That is not who I want to be in my marriage so I've learned to let that go.

 

[Lookinagain]

I can't add much to what has already been said, but I do know that some people just don't "see" things around the house the way you might see them. When my daughter, a slob, lived at home, I was convinced that she was just blind to the messes she made while I noticed each and every one. She is on her own now, and still not a great housekeeper, but better, and it's her mess in her house, and not mine.

That being said, depending on the age of your girls, I agree, they should have chores for which they earn their allowance or privileges. I also agree that you need to find some time for yourself, doing something you enjoy. Maybe make a deal with your DH that you get one of the weekend days at least once or twice a month, to just go off with a friend and spend the day. And maybe even try to plan a weekend away with a friend, here and there if you can't go away for a week. You can't spend all of your time being a wife and a mother. You need to have time just to be yourself without responsibility for others. Oh, and if the blinds/curtains don't get opened all over the house, ignore it. You are probably not spending your time in all those rooms anyway. Just my two cents.

 

[stracci2000]

I'm sorry you are frustrated! I fully understand.
I completely agree with @Mrs_Strizzle and @Lookinagain
The kids need to help!

The girls need to do their part.
My sister and I were made to dust, vacuum and clean bathrooms every Saturday. Sometimes we washed the windows. We helped cook dinner everyday, too.

We also did our own laundry. That started because mom threw everything in the washer together, and somebody's white shirt came out pink! So sister and I started washing our own clothes.

We also hand washed dishes everyday after dinner (no dishwasher back then). We took turns washing and drying.

And Dad made us do yard work like raking leaves and pulling weeds. We hated it, but we had no choice.

Currently, DH has a few quirks that bug me. He's a photographer, and has taken over the downstairs family room and bedroom for his studio/workspace. There are framed photos, tripods etc. leaning up against every wall. It drives me crazy cause I hate stuff all over the floor. And spiders love to set up house behind these things.
But, like Mrs_Strizzle, I have chosen to let this go. It's his thing, and I don't want to argue about it.
It's not causing any real harm.
I just periodically check behind it all for spider webs!

 

[Ally T]

I just want to ask how old are your girls? In my view if they are tall enough to reach the washer and dryer buttons, they should be doing their own laundry. Perhaps they will require a bit of supervision in the beginning, but it is a life skill they need so might as well learn to do it themselves. I haven't washed my youngest boys clothes in probably 5 or more years. They do it themselves. They have their evening of the week they each do laundry so there is no fighting about it.

As for the curtains being opened/closed I understand the frustration except my husband leaves cabinets and drawers opened. But what is it really hurting? I was getting so annoyed and snapping at him for something so minute and allowing it to ruin our moments that we should be happy. Hubby thought I was just constantly nagging and I could feel it hurting us. That is not who I want to be in my marriage so I've learned to let that go.

My girls are 13 in January & 15 in March. They do keep on top of their bedrooms & the cleaner was brilliant from the word Go - if she couldn’t get to it, she simply wouldn’t clean it. So on Thursday evenings they both spend half an hour making their rooms tip top & ready for cleaning.

I was also on dishwashing duty every night growing up, from the age of 12 & I HATED it with a passion. My youngest actually finds it therapeutic, she’s just not very thorough. With a bit of guidance I think that might be her thing?

I intend to make a list of all the things I do & ask them each to pick one, Mr T included. I am not lazy & happy pottering around, so I’m not trying to offload everything so I can put my feet up, though that would be nice

If they each pick one job they are happy to take on, it saves me three. And also to give Mr T his due, he mostly maintains the gardens (1.5 acres of lawn) & the outside. I would have no idea how to drive the mower & might inadvertently run over the dog. But I do my fair share of brushing & pruning.

I shall report back later in the week when I have made my list, picked my moment & had The Chat with everyone. Calmly & not critically - i must remember that.

I feel so much better for your advice & listening ears. Big hugs from across the oceans to you all. I woke up this morning in a slight panic that in my moment of rage I had over shared & was going to ask for it to be deleted, but I’m glad I didn’t

 

[kenny]

My parents met, and grew up, in the Lutheren orphanage they were dropped off at during the Great Depression.

The kids did ALL the work.
The orphanage had crops to work and livestock to care for.
It's buildings and church had to be keep spick and span.
The kids did everything since there were no paid employees to do it.

Mom and dad "paid that work ethic forward" (HAHAHA) with the upbringing of their 4 kids.
At home we KIDS did everything!

My DH was raised in a polar opposite way.
His Mexican family's tradition was that the mother does everything, I mean everything!
Her kids, two boys, did no work around the house.

Actually, now I'm a bit proud to be the woman of the house.

 

[Ally T]

My parents met, and grew up, in the Lutheren orphanage they were dropped off at during the Great Depression.

The kids did ALL the work.
The orphanage had crops to work and livestock to care for.
It's buildings and church had to be keep spick and span.
The kids did everything since there were no paid employees to do it.

Mom and dad "paid that work ethic forward" (HAHAHA) with the upbringing of their 4 kids.
At home we KIDS did everything!

My DH was raised in a polar opposite way.
His Mexican family's tradition was that the mother does everything, I mean everything!
Her kids, two boys, did no work around the house.

Actually, now I'm a bit proud to be the woman of the house.

Your parents situation puts my moaning into perspective. It’s so sad that some children grow up in situations like that, though I think it makes them a better parent as a result. They were probably kinder to you & your siblings, even though they made you work, because they grew up without that parental love. They would also appreciate the value of hard work & pitching in, which is never ever a bad thing.

 

[nala]

Sounds like you have the means to quit your part time job which is the first thing I would do to spend more time on my self-care—whether that be sending holiday cards or accompany your hubby on his trips.

 

[seaurchin]

A couple more thoughts here, which may or may not apply: As far as letting things slide more, although I've done that plenty (haha) I have found it to be more just another problem than a solution. When things get out of order and dirty-ish, then you just have more to do later to correct it. Or else you've eventually got a nice house that looks chronically shabby from lack of care. Keeping it up like clockwork seems quicker and easier in the long run imo. I feel like if you got too far behind in a house that big, you'd be toast!

Also, I'd speak to the husband separately from the kids, then present what you want the kids to do together. I think I'd feel like I was being treated like one of the kids if my spouse presented a plan about housekeeping to us all together. And an all adult meeting first also puts him in the expected position of sharing in the ultimate responsibility for it all.

Finally, this sounds radical so I hesitated to even say it, but I'm sure you already know it anyway. A large house and yard makes for a lot of extra work. For ex. the 40 minutes you spend opening and closing blinds every day is probably what I spend in total daily housekeeping here in my current apartment, including the weekly cleaning. So another possibility, if it causes too many problems, is to downsize. Maybe you could even turn a nice profit. Or consider it as a future possibility, in a few years when the kids move on.

Or consider hiring more help. I have no idea what the expectations were between you and your husband but personally, I would not want to spend a lot of my spare time taking care of a large house and yard. I'd much rather just not have it. So perhaps allow him the option of hiring more help instead of doing more, too. Sometimes you don't know everything about how a situation will be until you're actually in it.

For ex. maybe you could hire more yard help, have the housekeeper come two days instead of one, send the laundry out, do takeout food 3x a week etc.

You could also consider emptying and shutting down some rooms if you have some you don't use and letting some of the yard go wild, if possible.

Just saying, it doesn't hurt to put all options on the table for a solid solution. Maybe a combination of things would greatly improve it.

I wish I'd have been able to plan from now backwards instead of the way it goes. One day the kids were gone and we were retired and we had enough money and nothing to do. Then I wondered why we piled so much on ourselves earlier. For us, I think we wanted to feel like we'd "made it." I mean, who doesn't, right? Then we finally did feel like we'd made it. But by then we did not give a zhit about all that anymore lol.

I got to a point where my large-ish house and yard bored me. I did feel a little lost when we got rid of it, almost like who am I without my house. But I soon got over it.

I know very little about your life so I don't know what fits or not or if we're talking about a small-ish problem or really a larger one overall so all jmho. Good luck with it!

ETA: I'm sure your sharing has also helped out a lot of others. Many, if not most, of us probably face these same kind of issues! Sorry so long, yikes.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I have been where you are and presently it is better, not perfect but better, for a few reasons:

I started working part-time, which helps me feel like I’m more than a homemaker, it’s good to regularly see people outside the house and housework. You are a whole person and anything that gets you outside of those walls IMO will greatly help.

The kids help more, they do not have regular chores, but if I ask them to do something they do it. The younger one whines about it but he will do it. They are responsible for keeping their rooms clean, feeding the dogs etc.

DH will now do things without me asking, he still does leave things out and forgets to put things away, but it is much better than before. This really came to fruition when I started working. Now he makes a serious effort to do the dishes after dinner, tries to keep the laundry from piling up, he will clean the fridge out etc. I still do a lot of the housework during the day since I am home but it’s nice to not have to do everything.

Some will not appreciate this last bit, but this has helped me and so I’m just sharing in case you find it helpful. I’ve had a change in my attitude about housework, I try to look at it as being of service to my family, it becomes less irritating when you look at it as a labor of love. I enjoy living in a clean an organized space and for my family to have what they need. However, it is probably a lot easier to have this outlook now that I am getting more help. I also grew up in a household where my mom took care of everyone and worked so I’m sure that has a lot of influence.

I do hope that you find a happy medium in getting more help and also find more time for self-care. Sending you good wishes.

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

You have many eloquent and wise words from many caretakers. Your job is hard and sometimes thankless. It's something I understand. The most important thing you can do is self advocate. It feels weird to do at first, it gets easier. It will work but you'll forever have to delegate the tasks.

I'm just letting you know that I, too, offer all the squishiest hugs, sweetness.
You're dear to us, and we see you.

*Hire the cleaner for 2-3 per week as suggested, you've earned it and that is also self care.
Oh, and take a damned vacation where you do absolute bupkis. It's time.

 

[Lookinagain]

Sounds like you have the means to quit your part time job which is the first thing I would do to spend more time on my self-care—whether that be sending holiday cards or accompany your hubby on his trips.

@Ally T This wouldn't be a solution in my eyes for two reasons. First of all, having a job, I assume, gives you some fulfillment that you wouldn't have otherwise. Secondly, without a job, you might feel that it is up to you to do it all at home. Quitting your job with the thought that you will use the extra time for yourself is a great goal, but I'm not certain that would happen. So it's not something that I would suggest.

 

[yssie]

Once upon a time two (girl)friends and I had a house together.

Our handyman was our savior. He was handyman, jar-opener, appliance-fixer, this-isn’t-okay-go-get-your-car-checked-er… General practical-life-advisor. He had teenage daughters at the time and I think the three of us were close enough to them in age that he must have felt some of the same parental obligations and exasperations.

Then he moved away. That was hard, we missed him, and all of a sudden there was this house that needed all these things done all the time…

There was a stairway outdoors, right beside the house, that led down to the basement. It had a little landing area at the bottom with a storm water drain that constantly got clogged up with leaves. We piled some big rocks on top of it hoping they’d provide some filtration, and that worked - except eventually they got clogged up too and that was a real pain to clean out. After about the fourth ritual rock cleansing I had a brainwave: Leaves are just like pasta! So why not upend a colander?

I bought a brick red one. By Martha Stewart - it seemed sturdiest. Not heavy, but we could always put a couple rocks on top to hold it in place. I preferred the black but the red was on sale. And I told my friend - who would later become my husband - about our problem, and our solution, and he was aghast.

You idiots spent how much on what?? Go to Home Depot. Buy a drain cover. It’s $5. It’s made for this. How are you girls even surviving without Rob!??

And… I gotta say, I was blown away. So were my friends. It honestly hadn’t occurred to us that this was a solved problem. And in the years that have followed - it’s been a good many years - I’ve often wondered how many other things I unknowingly took the hard and weird path on. Like, how many other problems have I fought to solve in my Own Special Way needlessly?

Hey, at least if your girls are actively helping out around the house and yard they won’t become Yssie & Friends Jrs.