Appeasing the Parents?

[krockie]

New to the forum, hi everyone! You gals (and guys) are so helpful with the advice I just had to ask:

My sweetpea and I are having a Friday night wedding in NYC and ideally, would like to have an adults only affair. At the time of our wedding, his nephew will be almost 2 and mine will have just turned 5. When each of us, separately, brought this up with our moms, both of them flipped out. We did not expect this at all, and were stunned by their reactions. My mom even said that it would be impossible for my sister to find a babysitter - uh, the wedding is nine months away! This is how irrational they are being about the whole thing. By the way, my sister is my MOH.

How do we express to our moms, and ultimately to our sisters, that while we love our nephews, we feel strongly about having an adults only wedding? We both want our families there to celebrate with us without having to deal with watching after children. Especially my sister, as I know I''ll be relying on her a lot throughout the setup for the day and during the actual wedding.

Are we being selfish for not wanting kids there? Or do we get to decide how the day goes, considering its our day and we are footing over 50% of the bill?

 

[larussel03]

Can you offer to hire a babysitter or two to watch teh kids at the hotel? That would alleviate the worry of finding a babysitter.

 

[FacetFire]

Date: 2/1/2007 2:42:03 PM
Author: *~Sweetpea~*
Can you offer to hire a babysitter or two to watch teh kids at the hotel? That would alleviate the worry of finding a babysitter.

That''s what I''m planning on doing for my friends with children...find a local dependable babysitter for them so they can''t give me any excuses...

 

[galeteia]

It''s been made very clear to FF, and will be made clear to his parents at a later date, that there will be NO children at the wedding. If hysterics are had, there will be no wedding. (We''ll just stick with a JOP marriage).

One of the things I cannot STAND is being at a wedding where they are children running around and/or screaming and making nuisances of themselves. Unless they want to see me go apesh*t in all my stressed-out Scottish glory, children will be left with a babysitter. I don''t want to get arrested for inflicting bodily mayhem on someone else''s child.

If you are having a night wedding anyway, that shouldn''t even be an issue.

 

[dtnyc]

I 2nd the baby-sitter idea. Our reception was in a club w/ multiple rooms and my husband''s cousin brought their infant. We had the sitter set up in an separate room on another floor and the baby went there and that way if mom or dad wanted to visit they could. Worked out really well.

I don''t know if they have to travel for this wedding, but if they do then getting a sitter might not be an option for them.

Also a lot of people will argue that weddings are the celebration of a couple becoming a family and that a wedding is prelude to children, etc. so while no child belongs at an evening event, a well behaved child at a daytime wedding is fine by me. I went to quite a few weddings as a kid, never made a scene, hid under tables or did anything stupid.

 

[krockie]

I agree with no kids at a nighttime wedding, and thought that it wouldn''t really be a big issue. But the way my mom flipped out is making me think twice about it. My sister is very local, so it shouldn''t be a big deal for her to get a sitter, but my mom is making it into one. Because of my mom''s reaction, I haven''t even brought it up with my sister!

My mom thinks that I will alienate my sister forever by doing this. Isn''t that totally unreasonable? And ultimately, isn''t it their problem? Or is that too harsh?

 

[FacetFire]

Well, you probably know your sister...do you think this would upset her? Enough to alienate her?

 

[krockie]

I didn''t think it would alienate her until my mom reacted the way she did. That makes me really nervous to bring it up.

I also think that I have to, no matter what - while I love my nephew very much, he is not very disciplined and would totally be that kid yelling during the ceremony and running around tripping waiters during dinner. Not to mention how overexcited he gets when he stays up late - and the reception isn''t scheduled to start until 8PM!!

 

[KimberlyH]

I would hope that your sister is rational enough to understand that there are times for children to be involved and time for them to be left at home. Your Friday evening, formal affair is the latter and it is your right as the bride to decide that.

I''m sorry you are conflicted by this, but you are not wrong, it is your wedding and you have the right to say it is not a place that is fit for children.

I had a sitter lined up for my then 8 month old nephew (he attended the 7 o''clock cermony, but not the reception) and my sister and BIL were THRILLED to have a night off. They hung on til the bitter end and relished in a night sans baby.

 

[dmamsquared]

Ouch. I can think of a ten contridicting scenarios. The wedding we will be attending in March will include children. We will be converging in Charleston from all parts of the country. It's a tight-knit family. The three children are scattered in ages. All should be very well-behaved. Another scenario occurred this past September. My husband's niece (dysfuctional family of origin) wanted one big happy family. One sister let her kids run wild. The younger sister sat with her baby all night while her little guy (who is normally well-behaved) ran around keeping up with cuz. Their shenanigans did not interfere with the bride and groom although the kids did seem to find their way into just about every picture. To the guests, they were an annoyance and any attempts to reign them in fell on deaf ears. We did not have kids at our wedding reception. I had the support of both mothers. Some people did not like it, but my decision was not up for debate. Period. Whatever you decide, stick to your guns. How do you honestly think they will act? Site specific instances to your mother. It's too late to enroll your sister in a parenting class. LOL Seriously, ask your mother if SHE was planning on babysitting at your reception. Suggest to your mother and your sister that your sister deserves a night out without the kids. And remind your mother that it's not HER wedding, nor is it your sister's. People may get mad (hurt) but in time they'll get glad again. For some it just takes longer. Good luck.

 

[Independent Gal]

K,

Here's what I would do: Tell your sister you've been on a wedding forum and that someone was talking about whether or not kids should come to an evening wedding. Tell her you can see both sides of the argument and ask her 'what would you think if the bride provided a babysitter?' By casting it as someone else's problem, you can gauge her reaction without having to tell her that YOU are thinking about it. If she's all 'Whatever! It's teh bride's night after all!" you know you're homefree. Otherwise, you can give it a little time, adn then broach the subject as a solved problem (as in: I've found this sitter for you... and here are 16 references... and you can meet her / him in advance... or whatever).

Sorry you're dealing with this! It sounds tough.