Anything you''ve done to try to get an ex back?

[PrincessDijon]

So, we've all been there, we sit around in our states of nostalgia (or if we're cleaning our computer) and we come across an old picture from an ex and then we begin to wonder what happened. All of a sudden, your mind wanders and you have scenes from every romantic movie (The Notebook, ect) on the face of the planet going through your head as you foolishly contemplate what it would be like to successfully go back to the "way things were" or actually start a new relationship with an old flame....since "the way things were" proved to be unsuccessful.

Then you think about contacting them....Yeah, bad idea...It comes off as needy and desparate, even if you aren't in that frame of mind.

So, what have you girls (or guys) done or thought of doing to try to get an ex back? Did you fall flat on your face? Did you succeed?

Occasionally I'll get this way with my ex fiance. We haven't spoken in months but we still live in the same house for a few more weeks at least until I can get moved out. But needless to say it's been a bit awkword but we have kept to ourselves and haven't said anything. I have been the strong girl and have done my own thing but for some reason, the nostalgia bug bit me yesterday...I feel foolish everytime I think that way because I am pretty sure he hates me.

I tried to google other stories and so many people spend months, even years trying to get their exes back (some with no avail and a lost sense of pride). You know there are even so called "rules" and books (people are trying to captalize on other's heartbreak....and I guess it's working).

Oh well, any stories from you out there? I know we have a diverse group of people here so please share! (and try to slap some sense in to me again....please! )

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Personally, I was never a double-dip kinda girl. I figure if a relationship didn''t work before you had history and drama, then why would it work now that you do?

Whenever a *new* relationship ends, it always makes you nostalgic about a "good" love you may have had before. That''s normal. But you need to put it in prespective. If you two were meant to be, then it would have worked...but it didn''t, and not to be cruel, but you need to pay attention to that. The problems your relationship had drove you apart, and you couldn''t fix it. Chances are you''re still the same girl with the same expectations...and he''s the same boy with the same attitude. When it was good, it was great...but when it was bad, it was awful--we all remember that, and I''m sure you do too.

Move on. Get out of that house (why are you still even living there after all these months????) and give yourself a real chance at a fresh start. There is someone out there right now, going through his life--the ups and downs-- so that at some point you two will meet, fall in love, marry, and have multiple babies...just know that, and be patient.

 

[PrincessDijon]

Date: 8/9/2009 10:32:32 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Personally, I was never a double-dip kinda girl. I figure if a relationship didn''t work before you had history and drama, then why would it work now that you do?


Whenever a *new* relationship ends, it always makes you nostalgic about a ''good'' love you may have had before. That''s normal. But you need to put it in prespective. If you two were meant to be, then it would have worked...but it didn''t, and not to be cruel, but you need to pay attention to that. The problems your relationship had drove you apart, and you couldn''t fix it. Chances are you''re still the same girl with the same expectations...and he''s the same boy with the same attitude. When it was good, it was great...but when it was bad, it was awful--we all remember that, and I''m sure you do too.


Move on. Get out of that house (why are you still even living there after all these months????) and give yourself a real chance at a fresh start. There is someone out there right now, going through his life--the ups and downs-- so that at some point you two will meet, fall in love, marry, and have multiple babies...just know that, and be patient.

I had to stay here due to some down turns in my financial situation. It''s been hard, believe me but I have kept myself as busy as humanly possible. I interviewed over 100 places this summer and just now landed a part time gig and another job. The economy really hurt things for jobseekers! Thanks for the advice....the rational part of me tells me exactly what you just said...then the heart gets in the way sometimes....ugh!

 

[sparklyheart]

Like italia said, you broke up for a reason and things couldn't be fixed back then.. The fact that you guys STILL live together and aren't together makes this even more apparent. If things were meant to be you wouldn't both be going on with your lives and not paying attention to the other one. It sounds like you guys are giving each other very strong clues that you don't want to be with one another (even if you are a little nostalgic right now).

ETA: To answer your question, I've never tried to get back with an ex either.. I honestly get annoyed when guys come back for more.. It just makes them look desperate. The one guy I would have ever considered going back after did something so disrespectful that I decided he wasn't worth the trouble, no matter what my heart told me. This is just me though. When I make a decision I stick to it.. I guess I listen to my head more than my heart!

 

[PrincessDijon]

Date: 8/9/2009 10:48:35 AM
Author: sparklyheart
Like italia said, you broke up for a reason and things couldn''t be fixed back then.. The fact that you guys STILL live together and aren''t together makes this even more apparent. If things were meant to be you wouldn''t both be going on with your lives and not paying attention to the other one. It sounds like you guys are giving each other very strong clues that you don''t want to be with one another (even if you are a little nostalgic right now).


ETA: To answer your question, I''ve never tried to get back with an ex either.. I honestly get annoyed when guys come back for more.. It just makes them look desperate. The one guy I would have ever considered going back after did something so disrespectful that I decided he wasn''t worth the trouble, no matter what my heart told me. This is just me though. When I make a decision I stick to it.. I guess I listen to my head more than my heart!

I admire the fact that your "head" prevails. I think I am starting to get there but I have this pesky "hopeless romantic" in me that just won''t die already! Thanks for sharing!

 

[LilyKat]

I haven''t. I usually make a list of all the things I didn''t like about them, and refer to it whenever I get the slightest inclination to rekindle things

I thoroughly recommend it - it''s just too easy to only think of the good parts of a past relationship when you''re feeling nostalgic, but there are always good reasons it didn''t work.

 

[PrincessDijon]

Date: 8/9/2009 11:10:10 AM
Author: LilyKat
I haven''t. I usually make a list of all the things I didn''t like about them, and refer to it whenever I get the slightest inclination to rekindle things

I thoroughly recommend it - it''s just too easy to only think of the good parts of a past relationship when you''re feeling nostalgic, but there are always good reasons it didn''t work.

I know. I did this with the recent 2 month relationship I just got out of....it''s way easier to make that list with someone you didn''t like a whole lot and weren''t really attached to.

However, I was with the ex FI for almost a year and a half and he really never mistreated me so it''s hard for me to hate him or compile list of traits I hated about him. He was a very nice guy and I really have nothing bad to say about him. It was just a bad time in our lives where I was stressed out and he was frustrated and money issues got in the way of our intimacy. I think as people, we enjoyed eachother. Oh well, sometimes when I get like this I try to look at what I have accomplished in the last 4 months apart.

I lost 25 lbs and kept it off.
I exercise.
I feel like I have self worth now.
I have goals on what I want to do with my career now and I know how I am going to get there.
I am not letting dating take over my whole life now.
I have an awesome cat who is still here for me.
I have self esteem that i have never had in my life.
I have encountered hardships during the readjustment period that made me a stronger woman (though I cried many tears in the process).

It''s just those days when I have "idle time" I seem to get nostalgic and weepy (it could just indicate a certain monthly visitor is coming too but, anyway TMI I''m sure)I need to get out of the house and keep busy. Thank goodness I work tomorrow!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Honestly, I think that this is less about the time of the month and more about your recent break up.

Sometimes those life changing events (like being suddenly single) can send someone into a nostalgic tailspin. You''re probably being draw back to a "safety zone"...what your ex represents is the closest thing to your goal--marriage, a stable relationship, all the good things in a love life. You want "that" again...but maybe not "him" exactly. If it had been all about him, it would have been there before and not a sneak attack of emotions like you''re feeling now--you wouldn''t have moved on easily, you wouldn''t have gone months without speaking. You would know that it was him you were missing from the moment you seperated.

Personally, I think you want to be in a stable relationship, loved and appreciated...you want that quality relationship again. You''ll find it...but don''t backslide to get it.

 

[princesss]

I did once. I worked really hard to convince him breaking up with me was a bad idea, and eventually it worked, and we got back together.

Worst mistake ever.

What we''d had was broken, and I screwed things up by trying to re-live it. I didn''t get what we had back, I just got its weird mirror image - it looked the same, but was just a little off, and it was worse than being broken up in many ways. It lasted a month until the real, lasting break up happened.

I don''t believe in second chances after a real break up anymore, just like I don''t believe in pursuing guys. It''s never worked for me. Ever.

 

[Indylady]

So you and ex FI broke up more become of circumstances than personal differences?

 

[Magpie09]

Date: 8/9/2009 5:56:19 PM
Author: szh07
So you and ex FI broke up more become of circumstances than personal differences?

I was in this situation once where i had to break up with a ex-bf because of circumstances more than personal differences. At the time i had planned on breaking up with him anyway weeks before the issue actually came up however after the break-up nostalgia kicked in and i started thinking about ways we could get back togther and thinking about movie scenes where we would bump into each other and rekindle what we had. It took a long time to get over him and move on.

Now that i''m dating my current Bf, who is the one for me in so many ways, i don''t even think about the other guy. When i sometimes do go down memory lane i think about the good times in that past relationship but think that if we hadn''t broke up and moved on i would never had met the guy i am with now and that upsets me more than the original heartbreak ever did.

If you know he is ''the one'' for you then i think it is a good idea to try and make the relationship work no matter the circumstances. However you broke up for a reason and it is up to you to decide whether that reason has merit (a list of the bad if you are focused on the good because of nostalgia could work wonders). Also move out as soon as you can because living together still doesn''t allow you to think rationally about the situation if you have to see him daily and have what you had in your face every morning.

 

[trishy]

well... this one guy and i, we were eachothers first love at 16. we broke up, and went our seperate ways, but remained friends. best friends. we kept in contact, talked to each other all through out the years, about EVERYTHING. on one of the occasions we were hanging out, over 10 years later, we decided lets give this another shot... saying...we are best friends, i still love you, always have, always will...

so guess what... that one guy? now he is my husband.. and we are still best friends, madly in love with eachother, with the most solid foundation. who would''ve ever thought? i know at 16, i used to joke with him about how i was planning our 50th wedding anniversary.

i must say tho...
i am so glad we did break-up as youngsters and experience life and all its lessons. we are both better for it, and we have the healthiest relationship that i dont think would be so healthy, had we not experienced everything we did in our late teens/early 20''s apart. i think had we done it any other way, it wouldnt have worked. having that time apart allowed a personal growth that i think was AN ABSOLUTE MUST, in order to really appreciate what we have now. had we just stayed together, never broken up to begin with, one of us, if not both would have at some point taken it for granted along the way [and then who knows where we would''ve been].

now, i couldnt be happier. of course, i wish i didnt have to go through such painful experiences in my 20''s. but so far, everyone i have ever met, says there 20''s are usually the absolute hardest years. i know, it definately worked that way for me.

we have pictures together from when we were 16, up and framed next to pics of us now, and i plan to continue adding to our collection of ''us'' photos til we are gone

[including pics at our 50th anny, that i''ve planned for so long

]

 

[trillionaire]

OMG... ok, this is going to sound crazy and childish, LOL, but it''s my life!

My ex and I had this horrible way of interacting like middle schoolers!

This was when I was 19, so he was 22? I had this HUGE bag of M&M''s (like 5 lbs) that was given to me after X-mas, so I put it in a big bowl at my apartment to share with everyone. So, all of my neighbors, including my ex, would come over for M&M''s for about a week, and it was no big deal. I, of course, liked the attention from my ex (we had ''taken a break'' during the prior semester, which turned into a break-up.), so I kept buying M&M''s. Eventually, he was the only one coming for M&M''s and he would come everyday, right before 2am, which he knew was my bed time. He would come straight from the library, or study groups, or even his parents house, 45 minutes away, and he was always sure to be there before 2am. He would even occassionally call me to let me know he was on his way. At some point, there were like, TEN M&M''s in the bowl, and he would eat THREE, then come back the next day. And he gave me money to buy more M&M''s to keep at my house, rather than just buying himself M&M''s. Or he would come over, and just talk, not touch any M&M''s, and then leave. It was the most ridiculous passive aggressive ''flirting'' I have ever participated in, and it drove me nuts. I eventually told him to either come during the day 9am-9pm, or ask me out, but the 2am psuedo-booty call wasn''t working for me. I did confess my feelings, but he didn''t do well with confrontation, so he played dumb about it and acted like he didn''t know what I was talking about. (YEAH RIGHT!)

Anyway, we are friends now, and we can laugh about it, but yeah, that''s about as much as I''ve ever done for male attention. It''s not much, but buying $10 a week worth of M&M for maybe 4-6 weeks, yeah, it was kinda retarded!

Geez, even typing this brings back memories of how unnecessarily dramatic all of that was.

Other than that, I got in really good shape and got a lot of new clothes to flaunt it in his face, but that only lasted a week... the M&M''s were a much longer saga...

 

[Luckyeshe]

For the longest time I had a code...I never gave second chances. I always thought that the right guy would know you''re the right girl and would do everything to make sure that he didn''t make you cry intentionally.

Well, I dated someone and I was ready for the ultimate commitment. It didn''t work out and it broke my heart. He was the worst guy for me and I wanted him back. My head and heart was definitely addled...So, after a little while, we tried to get back together and after less than 2 months I realized just why we were bad for each other. Fortunately, I met my FI a few years later and I can honestly say that I have my ex to thank for that. Without going through everything I did with my ex, I wouldn''t have been able to appreciate my FI. And now I know that I''m one hella lucky girl!!

 

[PrincessDijon]

Wow ladies....all of your stories are so diverse....some married their exes that they got back together with and others flopped.

Sadly, the though of him never left me, I just tried to erase it by jumping back in to dating. But, everytime I would date, I would stop and move on to the next because I found myself comparing the new people to my ex FI. Then, I thought that this new relationship would go well and help me move on....obviously that didn''t work. I really feel whiny and stupid for still thinking about the ex FI, but for some reason I can''t let it go. Even my divorce wasn''t as hard as this one is.

I still think he is "the one" but then I think back to the movie Legally Blonde and Elle''s situation with Warner....When she''s in the nail salon and decides to go to Harvard because he was going there and she wanted to get him back...lol....Oh well, we all know how that story ended up....

Then sometimes I get flashbacks from The Notebook where Allie and Noah had split up and dated other people and yet they still knew that they loved eachother after all of that time. Ugh, stupid movies....they pollute our minds.

Oh well, I ended up trying to distract myself. I went and got out of the house for a bit, did some more packing, went for a run and cleaned ALOT....Now, I am tired....but a girl has to stay busy!

Night all! (And keep the stories coming....good or bad....I enjoy reading what you have to say!)

 

[Dannielle]

FI and I dated for a year back in 2004 and then we broke up.

We remained friends, and for 6 months still saw each other frequently. I would be the girl he would call after dates to talk about how horrible it was or how wonderful she was (yuck!), he would take me places when he needed a plus one and I would do the same, I LOVED him the whole time and he was clueless.

He dropped my friends and I off to a special event and I consumed waaayy to much alcohol.. I borrowed a phone off a complete stranger, called him in the middle of the night and yelled in to the phone "I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you... ect ect".. he started crying saying that he loved me too and wanted us to be together but thought it was to late and that I had moved on.. so he rushed back to the function, ran up to me, kissed me and we have been together ever since. It was my ''movie moment''

... I still get goosebumps thinking back to that night.

 

[PrincessDijon]

Date: 8/10/2009 12:49:11 AM
Author: Dannielle
FI and I dated for a year back in 2004 and then we broke up.


We remained friends, and for 6 months still saw each other frequently. I would be the girl he would call after dates to talk about how horrible it was or how wonderful she was (yuck!), he would take me places when he needed a plus one and I would do the same, I LOVED him the whole time and he was clueless.


He dropped my friends and I off to a special event and I consumed waaayy to much alcohol.. I borrowed a phone off a complete stranger, called him in the middle of the night and yelled in to the phone ''I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you... ect ect''.. he started crying saying that he loved me too and wanted us to be together but thought it was to late and that I had moved on.. so he rushed back to the function, ran up to me, kissed me and we have been together ever since. It was my ''movie moment''

... I still get goosebumps thinking back to that night.

OMG I teared up on that one....how sweet...So I guess there is still hope in the world for some....wheither it''s meant to be for me, I guess only time will tell. Okay now I am really going to bed!

 

[purselover]

Date: 8/10/2009 12:49:11 AM
Author: Dannielle
FI and I dated for a year back in 2004 and then we broke up.

We remained friends, and for 6 months still saw each other frequently. I would be the girl he would call after dates to talk about how horrible it was or how wonderful she was (yuck!), he would take me places when he needed a plus one and I would do the same, I LOVED him the whole time and he was clueless.

He dropped my friends and I off to a special event and I consumed waaayy to much alcohol.. I borrowed a phone off a complete stranger, called him in the middle of the night and yelled in to the phone ''I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you... ect ect''.. he started crying saying that he loved me too and wanted us to be together but thought it was to late and that I had moved on.. so he rushed back to the function, ran up to me, kissed me and we have been together ever since. It was my ''movie moment''

... I still get goosebumps thinking back to that night.

aww what a sweet story!

 

[funnyface786]

Date: 8/10/2009 12:41:02 AM
Author: PrincessDijon

I still think he is ''the one'' but then I think back to the movie Legally Blonde and Elle''s situation with Warner....When she''s in the nail salon and decides to go to Harvard because he was going there and she wanted to get him back...lol....Oh well, we all know how that story ended up....


Then sometimes I get flashbacks from The Notebook where Allie and Noah had split up and dated other people and yet they still knew that they loved eachother after all of that time. Ugh, stupid movies....they pollute our minds.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I do the EXACT SAME THING! good to know I''m not the only one!

I definitely understand what you mean about so many diverse stories about exes - for some it was heartbreaking but it wound up being the best thing for them and they met someone better, and for some they thought it would never happen but they got back together and they''re blissfully happy now. Breaking up with the guy I thought I would marry one day definitely sent a bazillion of those kinds of stories my way and in the end.... it leaves you even more confused on what to think.

All I can say is I feel like every situation is different... focus on yourself, but there are many things in life that are just beyond your control and you just have to go with the flow. Take one day at a time and confide in the fact that the right thing will just *happen* one day!

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 8/10/2009 12:49:11 AM
Author: Dannielle
FI and I dated for a year back in 2004 and then we broke up.

We remained friends, and for 6 months still saw each other frequently. I would be the girl he would call after dates to talk about how horrible it was or how wonderful she was (yuck!), he would take me places when he needed a plus one and I would do the same, I LOVED him the whole time and he was clueless.

He dropped my friends and I off to a special event and I consumed waaayy to much alcohol.. I borrowed a phone off a complete stranger, called him in the middle of the night and yelled in to the phone ''I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you... ect ect''.. he started crying saying that he loved me too and wanted us to be together but thought it was to late and that I had moved on.. so he rushed back to the function, ran up to me, kissed me and we have been together ever since. It was my ''movie moment''

... I still get goosebumps thinking back to that night.

Awwwww.

Dannielle, my DH and I had almost the same kind of timing. We dated for about 9 months, but DH was fresh out of college, and I was a bit older, so he wasn''t ready for the serious relationship yet. We broke up (or we were "on a break") for about 5 months, but we still saw each other occasionally. It was the most difficult 5 months of my life, but when DH wasn''t ready to commit when I was, I gave him the ultimatum that I was ready to move on, and he needed to make up his mind or I was going to leave him behind.

I was at a wedding in CA, and he called and texted me constantly during that weekend. We''ve been back together since I returned from that wedding, almost 8 years ago. He picked me up from the airport and promised that we''d end up together. It was a ''movie moment'' for me, as well.

 

[monarch64]

When I was in college I really got my heart stomped on. I wrote him something like a 6 page letter going on and on about my feelings for him, etc.

I literally did think he was the love of my life. After that, in relationships, I was always the dumper and never the dumpee again. This guy found me on FB last fall, IM''d me, and actually apologized for not going about the breakup very nicely. I got to respond with this: "Water under the bridge, my friend." That felt SO amazingly good, I can''t even begin to describe that feeling.

Other than that, I haven''t really played the "please come back to me" game. I had several ex''s do it to me, though, and I will say that I further lost respect for them.

 

[PrincessDijon]

Ladies, thanks for sharing more of your stories. We (meaning Ex-FI and myself) actually broke the 3 month silence today and actually exchanged words (friendly small talk.) "One day at a time" is my mantra....

Friendship first....then I'll just go with the flow from there while doing my own independent thing.

I still wanna here all of those movie moment stories....I know there's more out there....nudge...nudge...

 

[Nomsdeplume]

My exes are exes for a reason!

 

[trishy]

Date: 8/10/2009 10:31:48 PM
Author: PrincessDijon
Ladies, thanks for sharing more of your stories. We (meaning Ex-FI and myself) actually broke the 3 month silence today and actually exchanged words (friendly small talk.) ''One day at a time'' is my mantra....

Friendship first....then I''ll just go with the flow from there while doing my own independent thing.

I still wanna here all of those movie moment stories....I know there''s more out there....nudge...nudge...

uh.. a 3 month silence? and you live together?

i hope you dont mind me asking... what happened? who broke it off, and why?
i understand if you dont want to go into it.

 

[PrincessDijon]

Date: 8/11/2009 3:19:58 AM
Author: trishy

Date: 8/10/2009 10:31:48 PM

uh.. a 3 month silence? and you live together?

i hope you dont mind me asking... what happened? who broke it off, and why?

i understand if you dont want to go into it.

Well, we are just roommates now. We also have another roomie here so it''s not like we are sleeping in the same room or anything. I honestly don''t even remember the thing that finally made us break up. I remember we were fighting about something, it turned in to an immature blame game. Then I slept on the couch, there were a few words about "really being broken up", then the rest is history.

I don''t really know what started it but I think it was just a bit of everything. I was emotionally going through a rough patch in my life with changing and losing jobs to my divorce from my first marriage being finalized on paper, to issues of being overweight and not feeling desirable and my libido even took a nose dive for a while.

The good news is that I have made peace with myself now and am 3 pounds away from my goal weight of 130, I am over my past marriage and just don''t have any sort of bitterness left in my heart. I don''t know what changed me....It could be that I am finally out of my depression! I feel so happy and so full of positive energy!

 

[Bdiddy26]

Well I haven''t read through the whole post so I''m sorry if I''m repeating something someone else has said.

I have tried in the past to get back together with an ex that broke my heart. I called and I cried, we got back together and within a couple weeks it was over again and hurt worst the second time because I knew he would never take me back again (Stupid young me) It just seems that the problems we had when we first broke up just came to the surface that much quicker when we got back together. I have never even considered getting back with an ex since.

I know you talked about books on break ups (not favorably) but I have read a little of the book They call it a break up because it''s broken and it looks like it would be a really good book they give you advice about what to do in different situations and I think they even have one about having to still live together after the break up. I don''t know that''s just my two cents.

 

[Patchee]

I am married to someone I dated 10 years earlier ... we lost contact, I never forgot him. Met up on the steet one day, 6 years later married! Nothing ever went bad such as a breakup ... just two young adults finding their ways in life.. We full circled back to eachother!

 

[HollyS]

I only ever left one relationship. The rest were all people who left me. And every one of those, without exception, came back to ask for a do-over. I tried again with an ex-fiance and it was a mistake. Everybody else got a huge dose of my indifference.

People don''t leave when they''re in love. And nobody is worth chasing if they didn''t want you enough to stay.

 

[tlh]

No. I don''t go back w/ exes, heck I don''t even remain friends with exes.... but I did break my cardinal rule... TWICE. But each time, it was him coming back to me... not me going after him.

The first time, I went back because I was young and stupid, and yes he was a terrific and wonderful guy... and that is why I went back with him. I knew I was not IN LOVE with him, but I always wondered, would I ever find someone as kind and sweet as he is. Yes feelings were there... it was love, but when I really got down to the nitty gritty, I loved him as a friend... and it was his friendship that I feared losing... not our relationship. I just didn''t want to lose my best friend. Then I realized I wasn''t being fair. I was being selfish... and so I let go.

The second time, I went back to Satan himself.

Yup. We broke up, who knows why? right around the time I was having a medical issue. We got back together after he guilted me about not answering his call after we broke up... I guess he needed a ride, and what I now know was just as I had suspected originally... a BOOTY CALL. He ended up driving, getting arrested, and yadda yadda yadda. I let him guilt me into getting abck together, because after losing 2 dear friends in alcohol related auto accidents, I vowed to always answer my phone no matter the time, to give a person in need a ride. He knew this, and you know what... I got played. When I found my self respect, and ditched the loser, I also ditched being the DD for everyone in town. You need a ride, call yellow cab. I''m not responsible for my friend''s poor choices.

 

[PrincessDijon]

Wow...thanks for all of the stories. Definitely interesting to see everyone''s perspectives.