Anyone use ILs or parents as primary childcare?

[Puppmom]

So, my little one is due August 9th and we''ll be using my MIL as our primary childcare. We discussed this with the ILs before we even TTC and MIL offered and is thrilled that she''ll have so much time with our little guy. We''re going to feel it out but the plan is she''ll do full time care at our house until he''s a year old and then we''ll probably try 2 days a week at daycare. My SIL, who is a teacher, and has a son who will only be 7 months older than ours has offered summers as well.

MIL is really a great lady. She''s one of those women that really put all she had into raising her own children and she and FIL are just really good to us in general. MIL is recently retired and a bit bored to be honest. Her excitement over the pending arrival of her first bio-grandchild is way more than I could have imagined. In fact, it''s bordering on kind of nutty in some cases - I think a lot of this due to the fact that this is the only thing she has to focus her energy on right now. In the preggo thread, I mentioned that she even has her own baby "registry".

She created a wish list on amazon of all things baby. Child-rearing books, bedding, gear etc. They also created a full nursery in there house that they had professionally done and will "unvail" to us in a few weeks. You get the point - she''s REALLY into this.

Anyway, back to the point of my post...I''m looking for tips on how others manage a situation where their parents or ILs are primary caregivers. I''m honestly a little nervous that I have to come home to MIL EVERY DAY. With daycare, you can pop-in, pick up your kid, say a friendly hello and goodbye and be on your way...not so much when your MIL is in your living room. Do those of you in the same situation find it difficult? I''m a little worried because MILs enthusiasm now is through the roof so I can only imagine what''s going to happen when our little man is actually here! I''m very confident that MIL will do things like keep the schedule we set and feed the LO the food we set out etc. so my only really concerns are the amount of time that I''ll have to spend with her and how it''ll affect our schedule and how to not let the little things (hopefully there will only be *little* things) get to me.

For the record, please understand that I realize that we are EXTREMELY lucky that DHs parents want to be so involved and, for us, this is far preferable to day care. I''m just a little worried that, after a few months of hanging out with MIL every day, I may find it a little difficult to keep the above in perspective.

 

[fieryred33143]

What size ring do you wear puppmom?

We have pretty rings we give out in the top secret "My MIL is obsessed with my pregnancy and child to a point where she''s totally crazy but we still love her" club

MIL watches DD while we are at work. DD is seriously the love of her life and she lets anyone who is around her know it. She cries, yes cries, out of joy to see her every day. It’s great to have someone who cares so much about DD take care of her while I’m at work but it has come with LOADS of challenges. But one of the main things I try to remember is that my MIL truly loves DD and there is no better way for DD to spend her day. She completely dedicates her time to DD: takes her outside to ‘play’, cooks new food for her, sings and dances with her, teaches her things, etc. Every time I call to check up on her, I can hear DD laughing in the back ground. When I pick her up I can tell that DD spent the day playing and was happy. And when she sees MIL or FIL, her face lights up so I know she’s very happy with them. That’s most important. I get wrapped up into the small things that annoy me but I always try to remember that DD is benefiting the most out of her time with her grandparents.

As for spending time with her, I limit the time I spend in her house anyway. When I get there, I remind them that it’s almost DD’s bedtime and so I don’t have to stay so long.

Don’t be surprised if they still want to see DS on the weekends. This was the hardest part for me in the beginning. I was away from my small baby 8-10 hours a day and on the weekends they were knocking on our door which took time away from me on the only days that I get with her. I had FI put an end to that by reminding his parents that it’s hard enough for us to be away from her all day, the weekends are family time. After he had that conversation with them, they stopped coming over. We surprise them with visits every once in a while or take them to dinner but she no longer takes my time with DD away from me.

Also, showing your appreciation goes a LONG way especially in getting her to respect you as a mom. I tell MIL thank you every morning when I drop her off and when I pick her up. I tell her that I can see how much DD loves being in their home and how good it makes me feel when I’m at work knowing this. I ask for her opinions on things so she knows that I trust her judgment. And she returns the gesture by telling me that she thinks I’m doing great with DD. She still oversteps her boundaries mostly because she has a very thin filter but she’s trying

 

[monarch64]

My SIL and brother use my mom as primary daycare for my niece. SIL and my mother get along about as well as my mother and I, which is pretty well but SIL and I both find my mom rather annoying a lot of the time. We like to chat about her "craziness" when we have time to talk and we agree so my SIL has some commiseration from me. If my mother weren''t the only cost effective (read: free) option for daycare I know my SIL wouldn''t go this route. She is actually looking into actual daycare for next year at this point. My mother is 67 and not only is she a wee bit on the overprotective/nutty side, she just doesn''t possess the energy level needed to keep up with a 2 year old anymore.

Puppmom, all I have to say is that I know you''ve posted in the past about your MIL and the fact that you two don''t quite see eye to eye...and my two cents is that if there is any possible way to avoid using your MIL for daycare you should. Avoid it.

 

[Sha]

We started out with a plan of having our daughter at daycare for 2 days a week (Mon and Tues) and my mother watching her for the following 3 days. It worked okay - it was good for mommy to get the additional bonding time with Dalila. When she napped, mommy would do little things around the house, like washing the dishes or cooking - which helped a LOT.

I also felt a bit nervous about having Mommy so much in 'our space' as well. There were a few times when money was a bit tight with us, and the cupboards were ...cough.... a bit bare (it was almost payday)

, and DH and I were really embarassed about it. There were also times that DH had to go into work for a late shift (1:00 pm), and it was a bit of an adjustment for him, wanting to lounge around (in his underwear), and check his email etc, but not feeling comfortable because of having his MIL there. They do get along well- all of us do....but sometimes it's nice to have 'your space' as well.

We've since changed the arrangement to daycare only, because the cost of having Mommy come to watch Dalila was more than the cost of having Dalila at daycare for the whole week. We were also concerned about her getting confused by the split arrangement.

Mommy also feels it's good to for Dalila to be at daycare fully since she gets to socialize with other children, and maybe learn social and other skills more quickly.

There's pros and cons each way, I guess....

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Pupp, is there any way she can watch the LO at HER house? That way you can act like she''s just a day care and swoop in and get the baby and leave? I know how hard it is to get a MIL who doens''t want to leave to hit the road.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I thought of having MIL watching DD when I go back to school but quickly realized that I don''t like feeling I "owe" anyone anything. I would also feel badly if we didn''t pay her and then I quickly realized daycare is $37 a day (broken down) and that''s pretty reasonable. That way it doesn''t matter if MIL is sick, on vacation, busy, etc...plus she is in a routine with other children. For ME this is a better choice. I am trying to avoid resentments on both of our parts.

 

[Jas12]

Puppmom: my MIL has been my son''s primary caretaker since i returned to work about a year ago. For the most part, it''s worked out very very well. She''s in her mid 50''s, retired and is obsessed with her grandson

No paid service can compare to the love and attention a grandparent will provide IMO. Actually, in a recent study grandparents came out as the best care providers (less accidents, more interaction etc. which makes sense b/c they can focus just on the kid for the day and worry about chores etc. later and they combine unconditional love with a heavy sense of obligation to keep them safe) So i think in that regard, having a willing family member as the caretaker is rare and great thing. We are lucky for sure!

Challenges? There are some for sure. For me it is letting go of control on some things. i am a bit of stickler for healthy eating (no juice, processed food, cookies, candy, etc. on a regular basis in my home) but my MIL is not really educated in that sort of thing. She thinks juice is fine for daily consumption and jello is a good snack. I had to get DH to lay down our ground rules as nicely as possible early on, and she is pretty good now but i know she gives my son treats once in a while (he tells on her which is really funny). For me it is really hard to be picky when you get excellent, free childcare from someone. It''s not like you are paying a daycare and can say "don''t ever feed my kid xyz" .
The other hard thing is along the same lines: making decisions about discipline and child rearing. For example, my MIL takes my son out the mall about once or twice a week and he *always* gets a present. My MIL''s home is FILLED with toys! This bugs me b/c he''s getting the message store = toy every time, but again, i don''t say much. I also see her do exactly as he asks (she always wants to see him happy), whereas i will let him be upset over something that doesn''t go his way. Luckily, kids understand what flys with one person and not another.

I also recommend having your son go to her place. I bet she would enjoy it more being in her own space and you don''t have to worry about keeping your house spotless all the time for her. Plus, it offers a change in scenery for your son.

Just curious, are you paying her at all? One of my friends pays her MIL. That changes the dynamic a bit
I don''t (in fact MIL feeds him & buys diapers) so i sometimes feel like i owe her so much. I had to go *way* over the top for her xmas gift this year...jsut so she knows we really appreciate her

 

[Puppmom]

Fiery, I can be sure this LO will be the light of MILs life. She loves her own children in a way I''ve never seen honestly. Even as adults, they''re still the center of her world. It''s hard for me to tell if it''s *weird* or just weird to me because my family is so different from hers. Just a story to illustrate - DH and I graduated high school the same year even though he''s two years older than me. MIL didn''t send him to kindergarten until he was almost 7 because she didn''t want to part with him.

These things make me worry a smidge about how attached she''ll be to our boy. Also, we spend a lot of time at their house (EVERY Sunday during football season to be exact) and I''m worried I just won''t want to go. I think I''ll try to use that time in the future as either alone time and DH can take LO or he can go alone.

Monarch, MIL and I are definitely VERY different people. DH puts it very simply - she''s a *warm-fuzzy* and I''m a *cold-prickly*. There''s more to it than that but I''m not offended by this at all because it''s the truth.

I''ve embraced my cold-prickliness.

That certainly makes for a lot of situations where I''m annoyed. Daycare is definitely more like a Plan B because now I see the benefits outwaying the sacrifices (talk to me in 6 months!). Fortunately, we can afford daycare so, if things aren''t working out, we''ll have to head in that direction. Boy, that could be an awkward conversation!

Sha, I totally hear you on both counts. I definitely want LO to get out and socialize with other children long before his school years begin so part-time daycare once he''s mobile is the plan. That''s definitely a priority for us. I never really thought of MIL doing other things around the house though. I think I might feel kind of weird if I came home and she had done the laundry or made us dinner - see above warm-fuzzy v. cold-prickly reference.

HH, good point! I mean, she DOES have a full nursery at her house!

It might mean we get home later as her house is past ours BUT it would certainly avoid the whole awkward "okay, you can leave now." conversation! I''m counting on FIL to bug her about being home for dinner on time. The man likes to eat at the same time every day and we''ll surely make a stink if she''s consistently *late*.

Tacori, that''s a concern of mine too. I feel like you can never really repay someone for doing something that huge for you. I probably can''t avoid feeling like I *owe* them but they''re pretty good about that type of thing. I do worry, however, that on that Sunday afternoon when they want us to come over for the game, I might feel obliged since the ONLY thing they ask of us is family time. Seriously, I am NOT that fun to hang out with.

Thanks everyone for your input. I think a lot of this is going be driven by how well I can cope with the little things that annoy me. MIL has good intentions but I''ll admit that sometimes they''re totally lost on me. The other key factor will be DH. I''m going to need his help to manage MILs expectations of us as this will inevitabley change the dynamic of our relationship with them.

 

[Puppmom]

Jas, it took me an hour to write my post so ours crossed.

I really enjoyed reading your perspective. I''m confident that MIL will follow *our* rules when it comes to the tangibles - like feeding and sleeping and overall schedule. It''s exactly as you mentioned - it''s the things like a present every time they go out or allowing him to do things that I wouldn''t. I, without a doubt, have control issues. I have a really hard time with things that are beyond my control - sometimes to the level of anxiety so this will require a lot of letting go for me. I''m hopefully able to evolve into a more relaxed person that''s better able to handle these things. Perhaps, I should start seeing the therapist NOW.

PS - MIL bought a book called ''Keeping the Baby Alive till Your Wife Gets Home'' - hehehe. And I don''t think it''s for DH.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

We also use MIL as the primary childcare for DS and it''s worked out great. DS goes to the IL''s house, which I prefer. We laid out ground rules from day one and haven''t really had too many issues. She loves having DS over and even offers to keep him overnight sometimes, which we take her up on

We do not pay her for watching DS and she buys diapers, wipes and food DS likes at her house so we can save the money. My husband''s Aunt, who is recently retired, also watches DS on a regular basis. She never had children of her own and she loves having a baby to spoil.

It hasn''t really changed our family dynamics having family watch DS, but it can create awkwardness when you do have to bring things up. For example, my MIL wants to get DS a crib for his room at their house. Fine....but she wanted to go buy a used one. I had to explain to her over and over why that wasn''t a good idea and that she should just buy a new one that is up-to-date on safety features. We had to have the same conversation about car seats.

 

[fieryred33143]

We don''t pay MIL either. Well...we try but she refuses. She buys DD food but doesn''t let us reimburse her. It''s actually one of my most favorite things about her taking care of DD. She gets fresh food every day and I love it (and so does DD because she refuses jarred food lol).

We provide diapers, wipes, and formula. We also provide clothing. I tell her that anything she buys for DD, to let us know and we''ll reimburse her. Sometimes she does (she just bought her a crib) and other times she doesn''t.

 

[janinegirly]

In my case my mother watches my LO so the dynamic is different. I do pay her a small amount (and I insist on this) for gas, food she picks up for my daughter, incidentals. We also buy her gifts that we know she''d like but will never ask for (flat screen, new computer). She comes to our house so I have a space for her (guest room) that''s tailored for her style.

I agree that nothing beats a family member as primary care, at least to me. Still I think if it was MIL there might be other implications and if that were the case, I would consider daycare more seriously. In my case MIL never offers though so I think those who have ones that do, are very lucky!

PS I remember you posting before about issues with MIL..am I remembering correctly?

 

[Puppmom]

Janine, you remember right! MIL is really involved in this pregnancy and is constantly sending me advice and articles on baby safety etc. I''ll be honest - it gets on my nerves! Sometimes, I feel like it''s passive aggressive and other times, I agree with DH that she''s just REALLY excited. Because my family dynamic is so different from theirs, I sometimes have a hard time deciphering what she says. I come from a very direct- tell you like it is- family and MIL is over the top nice and I''ll admit that it makes me feel antagonized at times. The hard part is that I know it''s mostly MY issue and I just have to learn to deal a little bit better.

I forgot to answer - we won''t be paying her. There''s no way the ILs would allow that. I''ll do my best though to make sure both houses are stocked appropriately. I''m definitely liking the idea of the sitting taking place at her house. It would be an inconvenience for us but it may be worth it in other areas like being in control of drop off and pick up and not having MIL doing household chores at our house. AND FIL will be happy to have dinner on time.

I''m thinking DH and I are going to have to have a conversation with the ILs before she takes over childcare. She is open to taking direction so I think we just have to be clear in our expectations and understand hers realizing that those may change along the way.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I"m not a mom yet, but my parents are practically insisting on being the primary caretakers, and woe betide me if I say no and hire a nanny or send the kid to daycare. I would never ever hear the end of it.

Luckily for me I do like the idea of them caring for my little one when the hubby and I are at work (and we''re both mild work-aholics so I can''t really imagine at this point that either one of us would turn into the stay-at-home parent). I think the adjustment will be harder for my hubby, but I think when he realizes the workload of having an infant he''ll just be thankful. Not to mention, my dad is a fabulous cook! (Where as I am not)