Anyone have any experience with unfriendly women...

[tawn]

My problem is that my son went to sort of a posh little middle school this year...and the other moms in his grade are all significantly older (5-10yrs) than I am. I''ve volunteered at several school events recently and the women have been very unfriendly to me!! They all seem to be trim little attractive women who have short brown hair, and each curiously seem to be wearing the same outfit from Eddie Bauer? They give me the look up and down, and actually pull their husbands close to their sides like they think I''m just going to up and walk away with them!

I don''t wear a lot of makeup and I''m a conservative and casual dresser, and I avoid men I don''t know like the plague. I''ve tried to be friendly and have introduced myself to most of the moms, but I''m the only one that seems to be "different" and I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb....or maybe they''ve already scared away the other Moms that didn''t fit in?

I''m pushing 6 feet tall with any sort of heel at all, have sort of long blonde hair, and unfortunately (IMO) inherited my Mom''s large bust. I''ve always felt uncomfortable with the attention that brings and even at the advanced age of 37, I occasionally get some unwanted ogling happening, to the endless amusement of my husband! Sounds hideously conceited doesn''t it!

I know I''m no beautiful supermodel, but due to my gigantic Amazon-like stature I''ve been told that I threaten some women (and men) when they first meet me! I have a great group of loyal friends, who like me just fine once they realize that I''m actually really shy and harmless...most of the time!

My husband is rarely able to make these events with me because of work, and I just dread going to anything at the school by myself and it''s really starting to bother me!! Actually, now that I''ve typed it all out, it''s sort of p*ssing me off that I''m allowing them to judge me and ruin his school events for me with their little closed rank group! I miss his old school where people were genuine and nice...and most of I, where I felt welcome!

Why do some women have to be so b*tchy?

 

[bling*diva*]

~~It sounds to me like the old fashioned jealousy bug has bitten them!! They probably feel threatened by you (or anyone else who is different from them), and if they are pulling their husbands closer whenever you come around, they are insecure as well. Tawn, you are beautiful, and don''t let these foolish women make you feel any less about yourself. They have no right to judge you, and if they don''t want to treat you niclely and with respect, it''s their loss!! Keep your head held high!!

 

[MissGotRocks]

I agree with BlingDiva. In those types of settings, there will always be ''cliques''. You are different from them and therefore they feel threatened. I am sure over time they will come to accept you but in the meantime just be yourself. Eventually they will get past your looks and get to know the real you. Sounds like you have done all you can to befriend them; the next step is theirs. It is too bad that in these situations you have to wait for people to get to know and accept you - almost like a test. It is always troublesome to us if we think we are being rejected for things we can''t control - like looks. I think it is just human nature at work - smile, enjoy your son, and just know that the problem in not yours. Snobbery is ugly to be sure - but I''m sure once they realize that you are a very nice person and not a threat to them they will warm up! Hang in there!

 

[perry]

Tawn:

I think they feel threatened by you. Both by your physical height - and becasue they are concerned that their husbands might give you more than a causual glance..

I always like to believe that people eventually come arround - but I''ve seen enough cases where they forever close someone out. You''re the oddball - and they don''t feel that they need you. Unfortunately, they may never accept you and things can get worse to where they drive you away.

I am curious as to why you feel that your son has to go to a school like that.... What kind of lessons is your son being taught by this?

Alternately, you need to recrute a series of other parents and kids into the school so that you will have other people to fit in with.

Perry

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I agree with what everyone else said - those women see you as a threat.

Do any of your son''s teachers or other employees from the school attend those events? If so, maybe you could just spend your time with the teachers until the other moms discover civilized behavior.

 

[Starset]

Just a thought, and by no means am I pretending to know you, but....

I knew a girl like that in college that was gorgeous and shy. When people don''t know you they want to make instant judgements about you. Sometimes being shy can be mistaken for aloof, arrogant, or narcissistic. After she broke out of her shell a little, it turned out she was none of those things and we ended up being really good friends.

I don''t know how people can overcome other people''s perceptions of you but I just thought I''d share that shyness doesn''t always translate the right way. Once they see more of you, they''ll get to know the real you. As time goes on, you won''t feel shy and they won''t feel threatened.

 

[dbgaap]

Yup! Been there!
And it doesn''t have to be a posh school to get that treatment. From kindergarten to senior year in HS, I was a single Mom, so I was always solo at the school things.

My parents blessed me with above average genes, too.
Other people''s jealousy can be a real drag.

All I can say is hold your head up and keep taking the high road.

There is always a silver lining in every cloud. Here''s what helps me- this is a Buddhist sort of approach: let it build compassion in you.
There may be times when you encounter someon who threatens you or you feel jealousy.
By remembering how it felt to be the object of those feelings, you are able to push past them in yourself.

It is this quality that helps us to be more comfortable around more people. I can spend time with very wealthy, very powerful, very talented people, etc, and just be myself.
Most of the time

.
Feeling threatened or jealous is just .... a barrier to to fully enjoying the experience.

ANYWAY - sorry but the "advanced age of 37" isn''t going to help you!!!
I am 49 and it still happens. I''m tall, too and yes, that is part of it.

Thank goodness you aren''t a mean person who is taking advantage of your looks and driving others crazy on purpose!!!!!!

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 5/26/2006 8:41:18 AM
Author: Starset
Just a thought, and by no means am I pretending to know you, but....

I knew a girl like that in college that was gorgeous and shy. When people don''t know you they want to make instant judgements about you. Sometimes being shy can be mistaken for aloof, arrogant, or narcissistic. After she broke out of her shell a little, it turned out she was none of those things and we ended up being really good friends.

I don''t know how people can overcome other people''s perceptions of you but I just thought I''d share that shyness doesn''t always translate the right way. Once they see more of you, they''ll get to know the real you. As time goes on, you won''t feel shy and they won''t feel threatened.

Precisely. I can sense your hurt. Your resentment is going to translate to them - possibly as being snoby. And, you are judging them a bit. People are most comfortable around people who are most like them. It may take a little while longer for them to warm up to you. And, befriend the woman whose husband is an *ss man and not a breast man.

Be true to yourself, have confidence that you are worth knowing & just build on that. At the very least, just do your "job" to the best of your ability. No matter how much one stirs, the cream will always (eventually) rise to the top.

 

[VegasAngel]

Pretty, tall, blonde, busty? Oh they are definitely jealous. Hopefully once they see you are not going to take their spot they will soften up.

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh they''re just jealous alright. Don''t give up keep going and just be your friendly self. I''m sure they all can''t all be like that. Is there a mom that is close to you in age?? The mom''s were like that to me when I had my daughter in Kindergarten. I was much younger than they were and I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. Plus I was working at the time and didn''t have a lot of free time to help out. Now some of them are my best friends!! Our daughters are graduating in 2 weeks and we have been a close knit group from day one. I say hang in there, and just be yourself. They''ll come to see you as a nice person. And if they don''t?? Well F***''em. Who needs that?? Tawn you are soooo sweet, and kind they will embrace you I''m sure. Good luck!!!

 

[jas]

Tawn, I teach at a middle school in a tony part of town. It seems that almost without exception there are a group of moms who are highly involved, very active, and appear to have bonded together when their kids began Pre-K. Without exception this group acts like THEY are the ones in middle school...very clique-ish, pushy, gossipy, very groomed (to the point of being buffed and polished to a Turtle Wax shine) etc.

Fortunately, not all of our active parents are like that, and not all of our fabulous parents are able to be that active. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone!

 

[monarch64]

Tawn, your post sounds like my life at certain times! I''m also a tall gal (5''10"), and have dealt with this issue most of my adult life. I''ve been "reviewed" by other women in past jobs, and been called "unapproachable." I''ve been told by a woman who is now my good friend that when she first met me, she thought I would never want to be friends with her (she is petite, although very pretty). Other women have said similar things to me over the years, and it really hurts. I don''t see myself as unapproachable, in fact, I''m very friendly and outgoing. I''ve also had complete strangers in ladies'' rooms make horrible comments to me--in one exchange I paid another gal a compliment and she said "whatever--don''t even talk to me!" Many times my friends have looked at me and said things like "I hate you. You can wear anything." I am by no means a supermodel, just blessed with good proportions and height. I have flaws like everyone else. Something about being a tall woman and somewhat attractive or eye-catching really turns off other women. I''ve been in your shoes many times, Tawn, and it isn''t fun, but you just have to let it roll off your back and don''t take it personally. People''s reactions to you is based on their own insecurity and their own perception that they don''t measure up. It''s definitely their problem, not yours.

 

[Jelly]

Tawn, there''s only one thing to do. Wear bra minimizers, cut your hair, and dye it brown. I''ll send you the gift card to Eddie Bauer.

But seriously...I know a lot of Mom''s like that. I work in an upper/middle class school and those soccer mom''s can be nasty! They are almost as bad as the kids! Don''t let it get you down. Be yourself...you''re beautiful and don''t be ashamed of it.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

Monarch 64 said:
"People's reactions to you is based on their own insecurity and their own perception that they don't measure up. It's definitely their problem, not yours."

That's exactly right. They're miserable and they're trying to make you as miserable as they are. Don't let them get to you.

"Pass Me By" is a good song to live by:


I got me ten fine toes to wiggle in the sand,
Lots of idle fingers snap to my command,
A loverly pair of heels that kick to beat the band,
Contemplating nature can be fascinating,
Add to these a nose that I can thumb, and a mouth by gum have I
So tell the whole wide world, if you don't happen to like it,
Deal me out, thank you kindly, pass me by.
Pass me by, pass me by, if you don't happen to like it, pass me by
Behold me two great shoes that never saw a shine,
Houses I could hold up with a laundry line.
A loverly patch that hide an awful lot of spine.
Shirtails flying, I'm a blooming dandelion.
Add to these, a grin from ear to ear, all the proper gear have I,
So tell the whole wide world, if you don't like the thought of it,
Bail me out, thank you kindly, pass me by.

 

[dbgaap]

Date: 5/26/2006 11:21:07 AM
Author: monarch64
I''ve also had complete strangers in ladies'' rooms make horrible comments to me--in one exchange I paid another gal a compliment and she said ''whatever--don''t even talk to me!'' Many times my friends have looked at me and said things like ''I hate you. You can wear anything.''

Ha! that made me laugh!

I think it would be a total shocker if people could trade places, just briefly, with the people they envy. Wouldn''t they be surprised to find that we don''t like being envied!!

Years ago, I worked with a woman whe frequently told me, "dbgaap, i hate you! your stomach is always so flat!"

I always laughed it off, but one day, I thought, "you know, I am tired of hearing that you hate me. will you ever stop?"

well in the last year or so I have gained 13 pounds and nobody hates me for my flat stomach anymore

 

[monarch64]

My favorite comment is: "OMG, you're SO tall? How tall are you?" I have never in my life looked at someone and said "OMG, you're SO short! How short ARE you???" People honestly have no idea sometimes how rude they come across. As if I didn't realize I was taller than many people. Hmmph.

ETA:dbgaap, I also have gained a bit of weight, and it seems to make people a lot more comfortable around me. I started to feel like I was getting "comfortable" with being a bit bigger than normal and am working on losing the weight, but I know I'll once again face those comments. I don't really care at this point, though. Why shouldn't I be the best I can be?

 

[dbgaap]

You guys are funny!

tawn, thanks for bringing this up.
It''s a rare day when you get to complain about this issue!!!

you are, seriously, a sweetie.

You carry your good looks well and have the grace to behave well, too.

Some of those ladies may become friends eventually, some may never see past their own insecurities.

 

[dbgaap]

Date: 5/26/2006 11:48:28 AM
Author: monarch64

ETA:dbgaap, I also have gained a bit of weight, and it seems to make people a lot more comfortable around me. I started to feel like I was getting ''comfortable'' with being a bit bigger than normal and am working on losing the weight, but I know I''ll once again face those comments. I don''t really care at this point, though. Why shouldn''t I be the best I can be?

That''s right monarch, ya gotta let your light shine!

Actually I have already lost 3 of my 13 pounds, so I am on my way back down, too.

 

[JenStone]

Tawn, I understand where you''re coming from....becauseI''m guilty of it myself! One of my best friends is drop-dead gorgeous and even modeled. To top that off, she attended Yale! Needless to say, I was intimidated by her and was a jealous b*tch when we first met. However, I found out that she''s one of the sweetest people I''ve ever come across and I can''t imagine my life without her.

Don''t let them get the best of you. Be friendly and although it seems a bit unfair, keep trying. It sure worked for my friend and I.

This thread kinda reminds me of that other one where someone asked if anyone else feels guilty about having a nice ring...

 

[pinkflamingo]

I have the EXACT same problem. I am 6 feet tall, busty and blonde with dark blue eyes. Naturally pale blonde. People always ask me, Is that your natural color? Are those colored contacts? How tall are you? My hair naturally does the shirley temple ringlet thing, and if I blow it dry, it is thick and bouncy. But I have plenty of flaws and I am still trying to diet and lose the baby weight. I love to eat!!

So, I am by no means model like, and I hate being so tall. But, I love heels and have gotten over the shyness thing. But I totally feel your pain and go through my insecure moments often.

((((( BIG HUGS!!)))))

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 5/26/2006 11:48:28 AM
Author: monarch64
My favorite comment is: ''OMG, you''re SO tall? How tall are you?'' I have never in my life looked at someone and said ''OMG, you''re SO short! How short ARE you???'' People honestly have no idea sometimes how rude they come across. As if I didn''t realize I was taller than many people. Hmmph.

HI:

LOL--I hear ya! I went to a BD party recently and a few of the ladies there screeched "OHMYGOD you are so skinny--do you eat?? I retored, "no I photosynthesize" . I just shake my big ''ole head on my skinny neck.......

Tawn: however insincere others may be you do not have to find yourself so. I my experience, the truest female relationships I''ve cultivated were ones where no one was judged on "first impresssions". It takes work from both parties, but the results are rewarding.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Mara]

women can be SO catty, jealous, gossipy, you name it. and super cliquey, definitely.

i definitely agree re perception of attitude coming from people. my ''natural resting state'' is an apparently very bored look on my face. or so i have been informed by friends and family. anyway, i obviously don''t know i am making this face...i''m just sitting there. but sometimes it can be perceived indifferent or bored or snobby or whatever, people typically perceive you as something you are not but what suits them at the time. anyway, greg has often told me that if he did not have the ''in'' to speak to me at the gathering where i met him (aka he knew my friend through her bf) he would have been intimidated and have not wanted to speak to me because i looked bored and kind of mean.

(me? mean? NEVER!) anyway...i have had others tell me this too, and it''s always so fascinating to me because i''m JUST SITTING THERE!!! doing nothing. probably daydreaming. anyway when i am in certain social environments now i always feel like i have to try to turn my face On so that people don''t think the wrong thing. sometimes i don''t care but if i am at a work function or something i really try to make the effort to look animated and interested. i''m rambling now but my point is that maybe if you approached these ladies and were chatty with them they''d be FORCED to re-evaluate the initial perceptions they made of you (whatever they were). my girlfriend also has this bored face and she has the hardest time meeting guys because she also dresses kind of dark and with her expression looking a mix between sullen and bored, the guys don''t think she is interested or they get a different perception etc. she has to go up to them and speak to them. my other girlfriend has this problem too but in an entirely different way. she''s very flashy, blonde, buxom, beautiful, confident and man guys are intimidated by her and talk about the women...oy! serious intimidation and jealousy!! all by just looks and perception of attitude via facial expressions or similar. it''s amazing how our society judges, and everyone does it, not just others...it''s ingrained in us.

i just read this book, i can''t remember the name of it, but the bottom line was this NYC mom moved to CT suburbia and was living in this perfect home, around perfect wives, perfect families, they all went to the same perfect schools etc. well turns out that it wasn''t so perfect (book was kind of like a desperate housewives thing where there''s murder/intrigue/adultery), but anyway in the end, the NYC mom who had always felt like these other perfect moms with their perfect figures and families thought she was sloppy, her kids were ill-behaved and who felt like she never fit in; found out that the other moms thought she thought she was ''too good'' for the CT suburbia being from NYC and that she was always so sophisticated or didn''t NEED to be like them..and stood on her own; and here she thought that they all thought she was like some icky, sloppy, mom and that they looked down on her when in reality they felt like SHE was looking down on them. which is why they never truly accepted her. to me that just underscored the whole perception thing and when i was reading your post, it reminded me of that book.

so i''d suggest to try to go up and speak to the ladies next time..ask them something about themselves or try to engage them in a conversation, don''t try to just start hanging out with them, but obviously they are getting a vibe from you and you from them and there is this huge chasm in between you. it doesn''t mean that they aren''t wrong for being cliquey but if you really want to start feeling more comfortable at these gatherings, try to be proactive about it. there will always be hateful or jealous women, but don''t let them get to you.

 

[tawn]

Date: 5/26/2006 6:38:04 AM
Author: perry
Tawn:

I am curious as to why you feel that your son has to go to a school like that.... What kind of lessons is your son being taught by this?

Alternately, you need to recrute a series of other parents and kids into the school so that you will have other people to fit in with.

Perry

It''s actually the public school where we live, but we live on this little island where most of the people are stinking rich...and it''s the only middle school in town, and it''s one of the top schools around so I''m happy education wise!

 

[tawn]

Date: 5/26/2006 11:26:18 AM
Author: Jelly
Tawn, there''s only one thing to do. Wear bra minimizers, cut your hair, and dye it brown. I''ll send you the gift card to Eddie Bauer.

But seriously...I know a lot of Mom''s like that. I work in an upper/middle class school and those soccer mom''s can be nasty! They are almost as bad as the kids! Don''t let it get you down. Be yourself...you''re beautiful and don''t be ashamed of it.

Oh Jelly...you are too funny! My husband would "shush" you if he heard that, because those are the things he *likes* about me!

My friend has trouble with the soccer moms (some of whom are the same women), and they aren''t all that friendly with her either. But, her son won''t go to the middle school until my son goes to high school!

 

[ELL]

I have been in similar situations...My advice. Make a game out of it and "kill them with kindness". In the end , you will know you took the high road and when the sun goes down at the end of the day it is a good feeling. You may find over time they start to warm up to you. Women are strange animals and any threat to their man or children can bring out an ugly side to them. You are odviously extremely attractive and some insecure types see this as a threat. There problem...not yours!

Just make it a game. You just might win over a few of the "Eddies" in the process.

Good luck.

 

[tawn]

Date: 5/26/2006 11:48:28 AM
Author: monarch64
My favorite comment is: ''OMG, you''re SO tall? How tall are you?'' I have never in my life looked at someone and said ''OMG, you''re SO short! How short ARE you???'' People honestly have no idea sometimes how rude they come across. As if I didn''t realize I was taller than many people. Hmmph.

ETA:dbgaap, I also have gained a bit of weight, and it seems to make people a lot more comfortable around me. I started to feel like I was getting ''comfortable'' with being a bit bigger than normal and am working on losing the weight, but I know I''ll once again face those comments. I don''t really care at this point, though. Why shouldn''t I be the best I can be?

Monarch and Dbgaap...

I too have gained weight thanks to fertility drugs, but I think the majority of it went to my cupsize!

I forget how tall I am, and then I''ll see myself in the mirror at the mall and realize that I tower over all the other women and a lot of the men!

 

[tawn]

Date: 5/26/2006 4:25:45 PM
Author: ELL
I have been in similar situations...My advice. Make a game out of it and ''kill them with kindness''. In the end , you will know you took the high road and when the sun goes down at the end of the day it is a good feeling. You may find over time they start to warm up to you. Women are strange animals and any threat to their man or children can bring out an ugly side to them. You are odviously extremely attractive and some insecure types see this as a threat. There problem...not yours!

Just make it a game. You just might win over a few of the ''Eddies'' in the process.

Good luck.

ROTFLMAO!! Oh my goodness...that''s what I''m calling them from now on!

 

[lmurden]

Like Bling*diva* said, good old fashion jealousy!

Take it as a compliment! It''s a part of the package when you are beauTiful!

 

[tawn]

Thanks EVERYONE for making me feel better and best of all for making me laugh!!

I''m going to take the high road and keep trying to make nice with the "Eddies"!

Vs. the low road which would be dressing in a lowcut shirt and making friends with the Eddie''s Husbands instead!

 

[hlmr]

Hi Tawn:

I''m a little late with advice here but I just wanted to add that if you take notice of which ladies make the most eye contact with you and have the friendliest body languange, then they would be the best ones to initiate conversations with. Listen to what they are discussing amongst themselves and make some inquiries about subjects they seem quite knowledgable about to get the ball rolling.

Good luck and don''t stop trying.