Any Ideas on How to Appease a Hubby Into an Upgrade?

[ladykemma]

at 26, it IS a little premature for a bigger diamond, but she can plan for thirty. She can plant the seeds now. "At age 30 for my birthday, I want..."

 

[C Smith]

^ Fair enough Deviantdrow. The written word is a dangerous thing and true intentions are often lost when you can't hear the inflections in the voice or see the expression on the face. If I misread you, excuse me. No ill-will was/is intended.

Now, for future reference; When I post on a general interest question like this one, I am usually wearing this facial expression

or this one

. I can be wearing either one at any given time in any thread and it's probably pretty tough for others to tell which is which.

That gives you some insight into my position on this.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 8/19/2006 11:57:44 AM
Author: diamondseeker2006
One more thing. I get more pleasure out of my jewelry if I feel that it is a desire of my husband to get it to make me happy. It is a gift from him even though I am picking it out.

my wonderful hubby would never get me anything. so I go get it myself.

he has equivalent pricey table saws and routers and stuff that he spends for too, so it is not exactly like he doesn''t get anything either.

 

[Bluehammer]

Date: 8/19/2006 12:02:52 PM
Author: C Smith

Date: 8/19/2006 11:13:34 AM

Author: devientdrow

Wow i'm a little surprised by some of these respondes...especially csmith and ladykenna. I mean this is pricescope. Land of where most of the people have upgraded or want to upgrade. I post something about my friend wanting to upgrade...aproaching her husband ONCE about it, in fact I specifically mentioned that she doesn't want to approach him again lest she upset him again, and all of a sudden she must be materialistic and wants to selfishly indulge her misplaced priorities. Her husband is not the over sappy romantic sort which is why she was sure he wouldn't of had a problem upgrading. Their engagement was when they were very young and it was quite rash. She knows he did the best he could at 20 and has been proudly wearing her ring for at least 5 years now. I never made it sound as if she disliked her ring or her relationship. It's just personal taste. Her hubby never asked her what she wanted, or went browing with her. If he would of asked her she would of told him that she would of liked to of had a 1ct ring. And yes she is flexible about that, I told her how you can find something just under that and she was fine with that as well. She honestly didn't know that they even existed. Mind you like I said above, this isn't her demanding something or arguing with her husband about it. This is just me knowing that this would really make her happy and I think it's a shame her hubby's being a jerk about it. Now if he would of told her, hey this means a lot to me and I love that ring I picked for you. Well then, that would be fine. But it's like he just says no to her about a lot of things and never really explains why. But really she doesn't ever ask for much. I think thats what bothered her about the situation. She never really got a reason why the answer was a no.


I don't think she'd like a whole other ring. She likes her setting and to me it seems like it would be cheaper to just get the diamond. She was concerned about that. Ladykenna you keep talking about how you paid for your ring or the wife should be expected to pay if they want the upgrade and the husband doesn't, but I mean come on.....don't you think most of us in relationships who upgrade end up helping to pay. My thoughts have always been when your in a marriage you end up sharing your money anyway. It's not like she would sit there and demand he go out and buy her something, they would pay for it together.I know there have been people on here whose hubby's have surprised them with upgrades and they didn't have to add anything to it but I know there are others of us that have helped out too!


Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone. Even those I said I was shocked by, but I really am shocked. I don't know why someone would assume from what I originally wrote that she was in any way being selfish or having her priorities out of line. I got some ideas and like I said hers is tricky because she doesn't want to change her setting or anything. I was just thinking after she initially shocked him, now that he knows it's something she really wants maybe she could go back and just give him some information on what it would entail. It's been a while since she initially bought it up and maybe she could explain to him this time around why she even mentioned it.

I think that your first paragraph about her being willing to settle for a little under a 1 carat ring if only her husband had asked is telling.Especially in light of the statement about her knowing that he bought her all he could afford. If my wife told me she needed a one carat diamond to be happy when I was 20 years old, I'd have been offended since I couldn't have afforded it and she would have known that as the woman in your quote above did. That truly seems selfish to me. Especially since according to the thread title, we're trying to appease her husband into doing something he's not inclined to do. That is manipulation.


It's interesting to note that you claim she was happy until she talked to you about diamonds. Is she a relative? If not, you may be getting too involved in the relationship of another man and his wife. I'm not flaming you at all, I just truly think if it were me, I'd step back and let her handle her own husband...

Also, to set a 1 carat diamond in her old half-carat ring would require a new head of the proper size.

I would have to agree with C. Smith. It seems like there is too much outside involvement.

I do not mean to offend or attack. I am just trying to lend a different point of view. There is a lot of startegy being done behind the scenes to convince him. This irritates most men. Especially if it is 2 on 1. Here you are trying to develop some ideas to make him see it her way. Many guys prefer a logical discussion. My suggestion would be for your friend to have a rational talk with him. Explain her points. I think he would appreciate a game plan to get to the point of a new purchase instead of making him think it needs to happen all at once. Again, just a friendly opinion.

 

[pricescope]

There is another thing to consider. Original engagement ring with even small diamond can be of much higher sentimental value for the family, children and grandchildren. It bares family's history with it.

You might not want to throw it away in exchange to bigger stone.

 

[Mara]

I agree PS...one of our neighbors has a plain wedding band but on her right hand she has this amazing vintage ring from her husband''s grandmother. a small OEC looking stone in the center of a ''flower'' ring where all the petals have one tiny diamond in them. it''s in YG and it''s simply stunning. unusual for a e-ring but she loves it. i bet if she ever got a new ring it would be just that, a new ring, there''s no replacing family history.

 

[widget]

Author: Pricescope
There is another thing to consider. Original engagement ring with even small diamond can be of much higher sentimental value for the family, children and grandchildren. It bares family's history with it.

You might not want to throw it away in exchange to bigger stone.

I SO MUCH AGREE!!!!

I wish wish wish I had my mother's original ering...(it was long ago dismantled and the stone recycled several times)...it would have meant so much to me, and I'm sure eventually my grandkids! Sigh.

I always get a twinge when I read of young women wanting to "upgrade" their erings. It seems so much better to me to keep the original one and all it represents, and aim for another 'aniversary ring' or something...

widget

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 8/19/2006 11:13:34 AM
Author: devientdrow
Wow i''m a little surprised by some of these respondes...especially csmith and ladykenna. I mean this is pricescope. Land of where most of the people have upgraded or want to upgrade. I post something about my friend wanting to upgrade...aproaching her husband ONCE about it, in fact I specifically mentioned that she doesn''t want to approach him again lest she upset him again, and all of a sudden she must be materialistic and wants to selfishly indulge her misplaced priorities. Her husband is not the over sappy romantic sort which is why she was sure he wouldn''t of had a problem upgrading. Their engagement was when they were very young and it was quite rash. She knows he did the best he could at 20 and has been proudly wearing her ring for at least 5 years now. I never made it sound as if she disliked her ring or her relationship. It''s just personal taste. Her hubby never asked her what she wanted, or went browing with her. If he would of asked her she would of told him that she would of liked to of had a 1ct ring. And yes she is flexible about that, I told her how you can find something just under that and she was fine with that as well. She honestly didn''t know that they even existed. Mind you like I said above, this isn''t her demanding something or arguing with her husband about it. This is just me knowing that this would really make her happy and I think it''s a shame her hubby''s being a jerk about it. Now if he would of told her, hey this means a lot to me and I love that ring I picked for you. Well then, that would be fine. But it''s like he just says no to her about a lot of things and never really explains why. But really she doesn''t ever ask for much. I think thats what bothered her about the situation. She never really got a reason why the answer was a no.

I don''t think she''d like a whole other ring. She likes her setting and to me it seems like it would be cheaper to just get the diamond. She was concerned about that. Ladykenna you keep talking about how you paid for your ring or the wife should be expected to pay if they want the upgrade and the husband doesn''t, but I mean come on.....don''t you think most of us in relationships who upgrade end up helping to pay. My thoughts have always been when your in a marriage you end up sharing your money anyway. It''s not like she would sit there and demand he go out and buy her something, they would pay for it together.I know there have been people on here whose hubby''s have surprised them with upgrades and they didn''t have to add anything to it but I know there are others of us that have helped out too!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone. Even those I said I was shocked by, but I really am shocked. I don''t know why someone would assume from what I originally wrote that she was in any way being selfish or having her priorities out of line. I got some ideas and like I said hers is tricky because she doesn''t want to change her setting or anything. I was just thinking after she initially shocked him, now that he knows it''s something she really wants maybe she could go back and just give him some information on what it would entail. It''s been a while since she initially bought it up and maybe she could explain to him this time around why she even mentioned it.

unasked for advice: stay out of it. you''re emotionally involved in something that is between them. its one thing to offer support and advice, but you''ve stepped over that line as noted in your words that i''ve highlighted. if she wants to get educated re diamonds, she can log onto pricescope herself, learn more about diamonds, decide what it is she actually wants, and approach him then. if she really wants it, she''ll get herself educated and not rely on you....he may actually think she was content until she started talking with you. again, it is one thing to point her to resources to become an educated consumer, it is another to be that sole resource and get into something that really is their business not yours. and in some ways it is unfair of her to approach him without having gainied diamond knowledge....why rely on him to get the info? it still might not be the diamond she wants unless she gets specific.

for the record: i don''t have anything against upgrades if one can afford it, especially if that upgrade is a 2nd ring as some have done. and i really do like that correlation that we upgrade cars/houses/tvs/stereo systems/etc. so why not diamonds?!


movie zombie

 

[SeattleSparkle]

I agree with you LadyKemma. I think age does have to be factored in. In your mid 20s, you''re still trying to get your finances in order. I don''t know where this couple lives, but around here, a nice little starter house is $400,000. For me personally, I think buying a home, getting a nest egg saved for emergencies ... would come before an engagement ring upgrade.

30 years old totally sounds reasonable, and then it can be sentimental too because it''ll be ten years after she got the first one (I thought I read she was 20 when she got engaged...)

Everyone''s priorities are different though. I think if I were in that situation, I would lay low for awhile. And if she is happy with her set right now, that shouldn''t be a problem.

 

[february2003bride]

Deviant:

Your friend needs to enroll in "Mara''s School of Training: Learning to Upgrade!" I have been a lurking student for quite sometime and have learned:

1) Wine goes a looong way

2) Plant the small seed and water it from time to time
3) Make it sound practical "Diamond prices are going UP. This time frame (Aug-whenever) is the time to buy!" Once it seems like the seed is growing!

4) Never ever insult the current diamond

5) Come armed with info, prices, etc. and somehow make it seem like it would be a good financial decision (If diamond A cost this, over the course of say, 10 years, that''s just $$ a month!)

I totally understand where you friend is coming from. I have an attachment to my e-ring diamond and love it however, a 1.50+ range diamond would suit me fine. I would want to keep my current diamond though, make it a RHR or into a pendant. DH has suggested that we would keep it for DD for when she graduates college.

If your friend wants a larger diamond, I don''t see why she can''t approach her DH again, but in a different way. Saying that she loves her ring but now that they are older, more financially stable, bumping it up is something she would love. Emphasize the emotional attachment for the current and what she would do with it (pendant, RHR, earrings). Also, maybe adding that it wouldn''t be a frivilous purchase, she would be armed with research, run diamonds by him, etc. Maybe a birthday or milestone is coming up?

It is a touchy subject!

Good luck to your friend!

Carrie

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/19/2006 12:28:25 PM
Author: ladykemma
at 26, it IS a little premature for a bigger diamond, but she can plan for thirty. She can plant the seeds now. ''At age 30 for my birthday, I want...''

Thats a pretty darn good idea.

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/19/2006 12:31:09 PM
Author: C Smith
^ Fair enough Deviantdrow. The written word is a dangerous thing and true intentions are often lost when you can''t hear the inflections in the voice or see the expression on the face. If I misread you, excuse me. No ill-will was/is intended.

Now, for future reference; When I post on a general interest question like this one, I am usually wearing this facial expression

or this one

. I can be wearing either one at any given time in any thread and it''s probably pretty tough for others to tell which is which.

That gives you some insight into my position on this.

It''s ok, I wasn''t upset and what you were saying and I understood it. I was hoping mine wasn''t coming across too harshly. I was frustrated because I think the way I was phrasing things were making them sound different than I meant, and that was just me not phrasing something correctly. I do appreciate some aspects of the point of view you''ve brought across. I mean for all she and I know her hubby could be some romantic at heart and just doesn''t know how to voice it. Stranger things have happened..........

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/19/2006 12:38:56 PM
Author: Bluehammer

Date: 8/19/2006 12:02:52 PM
Author: C Smith

Date: 8/19/2006 11:13:34 AM

Author: devientdrow

Wow i''m a little surprised by some of these respondes...especially csmith and ladykenna. I mean this is pricescope. Land of where most of the people have upgraded or want to upgrade. I post something about my friend wanting to upgrade...aproaching her husband ONCE about it, in fact I specifically mentioned that she doesn''t want to approach him again lest she upset him again, and all of a sudden she must be materialistic and wants to selfishly indulge her misplaced priorities. Her husband is not the over sappy romantic sort which is why she was sure he wouldn''t of had a problem upgrading. Their engagement was when they were very young and it was quite rash. She knows he did the best he could at 20 and has been proudly wearing her ring for at least 5 years now. I never made it sound as if she disliked her ring or her relationship. It''s just personal taste. Her hubby never asked her what she wanted, or went browing with her. If he would of asked her she would of told him that she would of liked to of had a 1ct ring. And yes she is flexible about that, I told her how you can find something just under that and she was fine with that as well. She honestly didn''t know that they even existed. Mind you like I said above, this isn''t her demanding something or arguing with her husband about it. This is just me knowing that this would really make her happy and I think it''s a shame her hubby''s being a jerk about it. Now if he would of told her, hey this means a lot to me and I love that ring I picked for you. Well then, that would be fine. But it''s like he just says no to her about a lot of things and never really explains why. But really she doesn''t ever ask for much. I think thats what bothered her about the situation. She never really got a reason why the answer was a no.


I don''t think she''d like a whole other ring. She likes her setting and to me it seems like it would be cheaper to just get the diamond. She was concerned about that. Ladykenna you keep talking about how you paid for your ring or the wife should be expected to pay if they want the upgrade and the husband doesn''t, but I mean come on.....don''t you think most of us in relationships who upgrade end up helping to pay. My thoughts have always been when your in a marriage you end up sharing your money anyway. It''s not like she would sit there and demand he go out and buy her something, they would pay for it together.I know there have been people on here whose hubby''s have surprised them with upgrades and they didn''t have to add anything to it but I know there are others of us that have helped out too!


Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone. Even those I said I was shocked by, but I really am shocked. I don''t know why someone would assume from what I originally wrote that she was in any way being selfish or having her priorities out of line. I got some ideas and like I said hers is tricky because she doesn''t want to change her setting or anything. I was just thinking after she initially shocked him, now that he knows it''s something she really wants maybe she could go back and just give him some information on what it would entail. It''s been a while since she initially bought it up and maybe she could explain to him this time around why she even mentioned it.

I think that your first paragraph about her being willing to settle for a little under a 1 carat ring if only her husband had asked is telling.Especially in light of the statement about her knowing that he bought her all he could afford. If my wife told me she needed a one carat diamond to be happy when I was 20 years old, I''d have been offended since I couldn''t have afforded it and she would have known that as the woman in your quote above did. That truly seems selfish to me. Especially since according to the thread title, we''re trying to appease her husband into doing something he''s not inclined to do. That is manipulation.


It''s interesting to note that you claim she was happy until she talked to you about diamonds. Is she a relative? If not, you may be getting too involved in the relationship of another man and his wife. I''m not flaming you at all, I just truly think if it were me, I''d step back and let her handle her own husband...

Also, to set a 1 carat diamond in her old half-carat ring would require a new head of the proper size.

I would have to agree with C. Smith. It seems like there is too much outside involvement.

I do not mean to offend or attack. I am just trying to lend a different point of view. There is a lot of startegy being done behind the scenes to convince him. This irritates most men. Especially if it is 2 on 1. Here you are trying to develop some ideas to make him see it her way. Many guys prefer a logical discussion. My suggestion would be for your friend to have a rational talk with him. Explain her points. I think he would appreciate a game plan to get to the point of a new purchase instead of making him think it needs to happen all at once. Again, just a friendly opinion.

I''m also not trying to attack you but yet again I feel like it''s a case of someone reading into something TOO MUCH. I stated various times in my writing that she only brought this up with her husband ONCE. She hadn''t said anything yet again. No one is being manipulated or plotted against. I merely wanted advice since a lot of people on here have upgraded and obviously had to of talked to their hubby''s about it. I thought maybe there was some ideas on how she could bring it up that maybe wouldn''t hurt his feelings as much. I would never tell her husband I thought he should upgrade her ring. Thanks for the ideas, I don''t know if emotion got in the way the first time or what. But i''m sure if he would of at least talked to her about it, she would of been rational. He is a strange guy...sometimes the littlest things bug him and he doesn''t really give much of a reason for them. Like...ok your a guy right? So my friend is very girly girl......in her whole look ect ect. Very girly girl and trendy/preppy. She has 2 small tattoo''s one on each ankle. She wanted another and her hubby was ok with it, in fact they were thinking of getting another one together on their next vacation..He has a few tat''s himself and eventually wants his whole back covered. So she made an appointment to get one done...a very small koi fish on her hip bone. He said he didn''t like it. He didn''t like the design and he didn''t like the spot she chose. She said he actually got pretty irate over it. He told her he thought the spot she picked was trashy. This confused her and didn''t make much sense to her since the spot was somewhere not even visible. She compromised and instead picked a much smaller...like the size of a silver dollar.....orchid. It was very cute and obviously not visible to just anyone. After she got it done he still kind of had an attitude about it. Now considering it was her body she was going to get a damn tattoo if she wanted one

but she really tried to be thoughtful of what he''d like and opted for a much smaller and cutesy design. When he was irate about it the only reason he would give her is he thought it was a trashy spot. She asked if he thought the visible tattoos on her ankles were trashy and he said no. Nor was he upset when she got them. It just didn''t make any sense to her! Thats how she felt about the original ring convo....like she brought it up in passing. Not like it was even all that dire. She just casually mentioned that she would like it if they could maybe upgrade her ring soemtime in the future. He got irate and never really gave her a reason why. She was just stumped I think. Hmm any insight to that male mind?

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/19/2006 2:25:35 PM
Author: movie zombie

Date: 8/19/2006 11:13:34 AM
Author: devientdrow
Wow i''m a little surprised by some of these respondes...especially csmith and ladykenna. I mean this is pricescope. Land of where most of the people have upgraded or want to upgrade. I post something about my friend wanting to upgrade...aproaching her husband ONCE about it, in fact I specifically mentioned that she doesn''t want to approach him again lest she upset him again, and all of a sudden she must be materialistic and wants to selfishly indulge her misplaced priorities. Her husband is not the over sappy romantic sort which is why she was sure he wouldn''t of had a problem upgrading. Their engagement was when they were very young and it was quite rash. She knows he did the best he could at 20 and has been proudly wearing her ring for at least 5 years now. I never made it sound as if she disliked her ring or her relationship. It''s just personal taste. Her hubby never asked her what she wanted, or went browing with her. If he would of asked her she would of told him that she would of liked to of had a 1ct ring. And yes she is flexible about that, I told her how you can find something just under that and she was fine with that as well. She honestly didn''t know that they even existed. Mind you like I said above, this isn''t her demanding something or arguing with her husband about it. This is just me knowing that this would really make her happy and I think it''s a shame her hubby''s being a jerk about it. Now if he would of told her, hey this means a lot to me and I love that ring I picked for you. Well then, that would be fine. But it''s like he just says no to her about a lot of things and never really explains why. But really she doesn''t ever ask for much. I think thats what bothered her about the situation. She never really got a reason why the answer was a no.

I don''t think she''d like a whole other ring. She likes her setting and to me it seems like it would be cheaper to just get the diamond. She was concerned about that. Ladykenna you keep talking about how you paid for your ring or the wife should be expected to pay if they want the upgrade and the husband doesn''t, but I mean come on.....don''t you think most of us in relationships who upgrade end up helping to pay. My thoughts have always been when your in a marriage you end up sharing your money anyway. It''s not like she would sit there and demand he go out and buy her something, they would pay for it together.I know there have been people on here whose hubby''s have surprised them with upgrades and they didn''t have to add anything to it but I know there are others of us that have helped out too!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone. Even those I said I was shocked by, but I really am shocked. I don''t know why someone would assume from what I originally wrote that she was in any way being selfish or having her priorities out of line. I got some ideas and like I said hers is tricky because she doesn''t want to change her setting or anything. I was just thinking after she initially shocked him, now that he knows it''s something she really wants maybe she could go back and just give him some information on what it would entail. It''s been a while since she initially bought it up and maybe she could explain to him this time around why she even mentioned it.

unasked for advice: stay out of it. you''re emotionally involved in something that is between them. its one thing to offer support and advice, but you''ve stepped over that line as noted in your words that i''ve highlighted. if she wants to get educated re diamonds, she can log onto pricescope herself, learn more about diamonds, decide what it is she actually wants, and approach him then. if she really wants it, she''ll get herself educated and not rely on you....he may actually think she was content until she started talking with you. again, it is one thing to point her to resources to become an educated consumer, it is another to be that sole resource and get into something that really is their business not yours. and in some ways it is unfair of her to approach him without having gainied diamond knowledge....why rely on him to get the info? it still might not be the diamond she wants unless she gets specific.

for the record: i don''t have anything against upgrades if one can afford it, especially if that upgrade is a 2nd ring as some have done. and i really do like that correlation that we upgrade cars/houses/tvs/stereo systems/etc. so why not diamonds?!


movie zombie

Ok I feel like I could slice my own face at this point. If I sounded emotional...it wasn''t at her situation. It was actually at having to explain myself 50 thousand times in a row. I mean damn I can type fast but a girls fingers get tired after a while! Personally I do think he acted like a jerk. When your wife calmy and casually mentions something to you and you fly off the handle and never give her a reason why or why not. Well I think thats jerkish behaviour. I think I can be a jerk sometimes too and i''d never say to my friend...hey wow your hubby''s acted like a tool. I''m not emotionally involved in anything because there is no crisis! Like I said this was merely a situation that I was aware of, that popped into my head again and since lots of people have upgraded on here I wondered if they had any words of advice/wisdom about how to make that upgrade talk a success, and before anyone thinks i''m a manipulative b***h, by a success I mean an adult convo where no one ends up hurt or yelling. Even if the reached answer is no. It''s a topic I know my friend would like to bring up again but is afraid she''ll insight an argument. Now before anyone goes and tells me it''s none of my buisness. I started this thread not so I could immediatly call her and plot her husbands financial and emotional demise, but so when and if she comes to me again, looking for advice. I might have something for her. Could she log onto PS and do the legwork herself? Yea but why? Really it isn''t her cup of tea, and if a friend comes to me like the various male friends that I have and say, hey you know a good amount about diamonds.....why don''t you give me some ideas well i''m not going to turn them down. I know her husband well and I doubt he ever thought it was my doing. It was not that big a deal......I already explained this. I told her about my upgrade process and she shared with me that she had wanted to do the same. That seems like the natural progression of a conversation to me. I never said she wanted him to pay for it on his own or research it on his own. In fact if he had ok''d it she was more than happy to do all the legwork herself. Seriously because I said someone acted jerkish in my opinion than all of a sudden I swooped down in the night to terrorize and manipulate my friends relationship. I controlled the poor girls mind...."Must have upgrade....like me! bwahahaahahaha" and lo and behold I dragged her in front of her husband to cuff him to the computer and make him scour the net for that perfect stone, while we painted our nails and drank mojitos of course. Now i''m plotting my time....waiting for the next mindless friend whose relationship I can end with horrific tales of upgrading...because I am.....CAPTAIN UPGRADE.


Seriously. My friend has a mind of her own. I''ve explained more than enough times these were all things that she had been wanting but never knew much about or that it was even done. She would of happily paid for it all on her own....not to mention done all the work. All she wanted was his ok on the whole thing. I would never do anything to interfere with a friends relationship. I like her husband very much.....i''ve known him a long time. But this is something I know she wants and I just figured if she wanted to approach him again about it...I could ask the diamond experts and give her some advice.

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/19/2006 3:02:53 PM
Author: february2003bride
Deviant:

Your friend needs to enroll in ''Mara''s School of Training: Learning to Upgrade!'' I have been a lurking student for quite sometime and have learned:

1) Wine goes a looong way

2) Plant the small seed and water it from time to time
3) Make it sound practical ''Diamond prices are going UP. This time frame (Aug-whenever) is the time to buy!'' Once it seems like the seed is growing!

4) Never ever insult the current diamond

5) Come armed with info, prices, etc. and somehow make it seem like it would be a good financial decision (If diamond A cost this, over the course of say, 10 years, that''s just $$ a month!)

I totally understand where you friend is coming from. I have an attachment to my e-ring diamond and love it however, a 1.50+ range diamond would suit me fine. I would want to keep my current diamond though, make it a RHR or into a pendant. DH has suggested that we would keep it for DD for when she graduates college.

If your friend wants a larger diamond, I don''t see why she can''t approach her DH again, but in a different way. Saying that she loves her ring but now that they are older, more financially stable, bumping it up is something she would love. Emphasize the emotional attachment for the current and what she would do with it (pendant, RHR, earrings). Also, maybe adding that it wouldn''t be a frivilous purchase, she would be armed with research, run diamonds by him, etc. Maybe a birthday or milestone is coming up?

It is a touchy subject!

Good luck to your friend!

Carrie

Hahaha good pointers! Especially number 6. I think that might be a big chunk of it...like if she would of had some prices and ideas to show him maybe he would of realized that it wouldn''t be changing a whole lot. I think it was just such a "rough" idea she didn''t think to prepare anything. I think baisically she was just sort of seeing how receptive he''d be to the idea at all. I think these are some good ideas along with ladykemmas mention of her 30th bday which actually would be really close to their 5 year anniversary. Maybe that would be a good time!

 

[Mara]

ROFL FebBride...your post made me laugh...the school of training: learning to upgrade...HAAAAAAAAA!!

DD i think that honestly something like 'hey my 30th is coming up in 3 years and our 5th year is then too...maybe it'd be a great time to get something new for my finger'...kinda thing. It's amazing about planting the seed, it's very true. My husband is soooo into letting the seed grow slowly. My dad is also like this too actually. My mom starts planting seeds about vacations or family this or that a few months or a year before she wants to do something. After a while my dad just kind of goes 'well aren't we doing XYZ next year'.

Also YES the more information you have to satisfy the analytical male mind, the better. Greg trusts my judgement and he knows I am financially savvy even if I do like to shop and love the sparklies. He knows I wouldn't 'overspend' on something and that I would only really push for it if I *really* want it. For smaller stuff I just tend to buy it on my own. But I think he appreciates that I approach him and say look this is what I am thinking, here's the outline for the timeline, and here's what it will cost, here's how I intend to save, here's WHY this would be better to happen in the next year, what do you think about it? A big deal was the inflating diamond prices...just showing him that if we had bought a 2c stone 2 years ago would have been 15% cheaper went a long way in stressing that since I *definitely* wanted this size...it was just smarter to buy it now than in 3 years. But I also had to agree to cool it for a while (aka til year 10 though I am CURRENTLY negotiating that...hahaa) after getting this last upgrade because I did push to make it happen when we could have done some other things with that cashola.

Every man is different as is every relationship. I don't profess to have all the answers but I try to do what works well for us.

 

[devientdrow]

I think these are great ideas and it''s good that the 30th bday and 5 year anniversary worik together. I''m sure having the info would be good too. I mean before she heard me talk about my upgrade she thought the proccess would entail her having to get rid of her original ering all together and go out and purchase a whole new ring at a really super high price. She never brought it up before because she didn''t want to go through all that. When she found out she could just replace the stone and get better quality at a lower price online I guess it seemed more like it could be a reality. But God only knows when she mentioned it to her hubby what he thought! Probably the same thing!

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 8/19/2006 7:33:52 PM
Author: devientdrow
I think these are great ideas and it''s good that the 30th bday and 5 year anniversary worik together. I''m sure having the info would be good too. I mean before she heard me talk about my upgrade she thought the proccess would entail her having to get rid of her original ering all together and go out and purchase a whole new ring at a really super high price. She never brought it up before because she didn''t want to go through all that. When she found out she could just replace the stone and get better quality at a lower price online I guess it seemed more like it could be a reality. But God only knows when she mentioned it to her hubby what he thought! Probably the same thing!

and that is exactly why she needs to get herself educated before she approaches him again! how''s he supposed to know?! and if she isn''t willing to do the work to find out more about diamonds, then maybe she doesn''t really want or deserve an upgrade. it was good of you to open her eyes to the upgrade world, but in the end if she wants it she''ll make it happen.

movie zombie

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/19/2006 9:10:11 PM
Author: movie zombie

Date: 8/19/2006 7:33:52 PM
Author: devientdrow
I think these are great ideas and it''s good that the 30th bday and 5 year anniversary worik together. I''m sure having the info would be good too. I mean before she heard me talk about my upgrade she thought the proccess would entail her having to get rid of her original ering all together and go out and purchase a whole new ring at a really super high price. She never brought it up before because she didn''t want to go through all that. When she found out she could just replace the stone and get better quality at a lower price online I guess it seemed more like it could be a reality. But God only knows when she mentioned it to her hubby what he thought! Probably the same thing!

and that is exactly why she needs to get herself educated before she approaches him again! how''s he supposed to know?! and if she isn''t willing to do the work to find out more about diamonds, then maybe she doesn''t really want or deserve an upgrade. it was good of you to open her eyes to the upgrade world, but in the end if she wants it she''ll make it happen.

movie zombie

I do think that would be a good idea. It''s just before she mentioned it in a very general way....like lets just talk about how we feel about this MAYBE happening in the future...and it never occured to her to try and get something together. I guess she thought that would of made it look worse...like she was going forward with something. But looking back on it, yea I guess it would of been better to have something concrete or some sort of example to SHOW him what it would be that she wanted or what it would be like to obtain it.

 

[perry]

I think the above posters may have missed a key point: The reaction may have more to do about how well the relationship is going than anything else.

If this couple is struggling with issues, if the guy feels unsatisfied with things (rightly or wrongly) - then suggesting that there is someting not right with the engagement ring may be attacking the one thing that he is holding in his mind while trying to make things better - that she accepted me.

That could be a mortal blow well beyond any trivial question of sentimental value.

I suspect that if things were truely wonderfull between them (relationship wise) - then at least he would have been open to discuss why the request was made.

If their are relationship problems - and you stick your nose in... You are likely to be blamed by both parties as a ....


Perry

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/19/2006 11:59:59 PM
Author: perry
I think the above posters may have missed a key point: The reaction may have more to do about how well the relationship is going than anything else.

If this couple is struggling with issues, if the guy feels unsatisfied with things (rightly or wrongly) - then suggesting that there is someting not right with the engagement ring may be attacking the one thing that he is holding in his mind while trying to make things better - that she accepted me.

That could be a mortal blow well beyond any trivial question of sentimental value.

I suspect that if things were truely wonderfull between them (relationship wise) - then at least he would have been open to discuss why the request was made.

If their are relationship problems - and you stick your nose in... You are likely to be blamed by both parties as a ....


Perry

Really.....again....I feel as if. I.Could.Slice.My.Face.

Seriously....did I say anything to honestly make it seem as if I have stepped into their relationship at any which way? Did I say I woke up yesterday and decided to tell my freind to get an upgrade. Then after I hung up with her, I promptly drove over to lead them into an argument? No. Their relationship is wonderful. No large problems that I know of. True, you''d think he would at least talk about it but considering he didn''t...well that would be the confusion that I typed on and on about for about a billion messages. I never said she said something wasn''t right with her current ring...in fact I emphasized, in caps even, that she likes her ring and has never complained about it. She only mentioned that she would like it if they could upgrade to a slightly larger one with perhaps and more importantly better quality.

Now if i''m on the phone with my good friend, and she asks me whats goin on in my life and I tell her about upgrading my ring, and she happens to mention to me that she would like it if she could do the same....see above....how she would love to have her ering be a little bigger and better quality. Me saying to her, well talk to him, and being supportive is NOT sticking my nose in their buisness. Furthermore when she told me how it went I didn''t tell her to continue on with it or bother the crap out of her hubby, in fact I suggested that she leave it be for a while...and maybe consider if she brought it up again a change of setting or something. She said no...she liked her setting and if she did change anything about her ering she would of liked it to be an upgrade on the stone. Neithier she nor I have spoken about this since last december. If she''s mentioned it to her hubby I wouldn''t know. Contrary to what I guess some people think i''m really not all involved in this couples buisness. Anyway I know how dissapointed she was on how the talk went and their wedding anniversary reminded me of her problem and I thought to get some advice from PS''rs should she ever mention it to me again, that she''d like to talk to her hubby again and ask me for advice. Is this so crazy? Is it really such a hard situation to grasp. I seriously think I have explained myself and this whole situation...soooo many times that I myself am sick of reading about it.

I don''t know what kind of friend some of you guys take me for, but who really would push their friend into anything? Or stick their nose into a friends relationship? Or try to gang up and manipulate said friends husband? Thats ludicris! And if I were out to do any of those things do you seriously think i''d type on an internet forum about it asking other for their advice on how to do such sh***y things?!? This woman was in my wedding. I knew her husband before she even met him. I love these two people, and I hate that this was important to my friend and it hurt her to not be able to talk about with her husband. Since then I have always made sure every time I see her to mention how gorgeous I think her ring is, or i''ll say things like "Wow, your blinding me with the sparkle from that thing!" Her rings really are pretty and I want her to feel good about them. I just thought to get some advice from others in case she asked me again, and really I was all out of ideas. But I think some people gave me some good ideas. Like the getting more info...and waiting for the 30th bday/5 year anniversary thing.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 8/19/2006 1:31:39 PM
Author: Pricescope
There is another thing to consider. Original engagement ring with even small diamond can be of much higher sentimental value for the family, children and grandchildren. It bares family''s history with it.

You might not want to throw it away in exchange to bigger stone.

This is such a great point, couldn''t agree more. I have my original ering, have the ering of my grandmother and great grandmother. All are treasures and will be passed down to my children and grandchildren. I got my upgrade after 15 years of marriage. That too will be passed down. Plus some other sparklies that I have bought since being a member of PS. They both want the asscher RHR, may have them flip a coin for that, LOL!!!

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/20/2006 12:51:06 AM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 8/19/2006 1:31:39 PM
Author: Pricescope
There is another thing to consider. Original engagement ring with even small diamond can be of much higher sentimental value for the family, children and grandchildren. It bares family''s history with it.

You might not want to throw it away in exchange to bigger stone.

This is such a great point, couldn''t agree more. I have my original ering, have the ering of my grandmother and great grandmother. All are treasures and will be passed down to my children and grandchildren. I got my upgrade after 15 years of marriage. That too will be passed down. Plus some other sparklies that I have bought since being a member of PS. They both want the asscher RHR, may have them flip a coin for that, LOL!!!

I do agree with that and it''s something I can make sure to mention to her that might make her feel better one day. I know she''s into that kind of thing. She wears a lot of jewelry that her mom has passed down to her. Ooh that leads me to a whole other question that could be the beginning of a slightly morbid thread. I wonder if most of the people on here would get buried with their rings? I would like to hope my wedding band stays with me in the casket but I plan on passing down my ering. When I have kids that is I often wish I had something passed down to me from my grandparents, but I don''t. I am very sentimental. We pretty much HAD to buy another stone. My original was sooooooooooooo bad I was told if I kept wearing it everyday it was likely it would keep chipping and possibly crack. Of course we could of stayed at .25ct''s but we found SUCH a good deal online and we were in a better financial situation and had the cash to pay up front for the .83ct, so we went for it. I still felt sad about my original diamond, so I bought a cheap little white gold setting on clearance at Jareds and I wear it on my right hand. Not everyday cause i''m afraid of hurting it more....but often enough. Believe it or not the small stone looks a lot better in the antiquey delicate setting I got for it.

 

[Christa]

As an answer to the original question . . . it was mentioned somewhere above that the friend''s husband had never heard of upgrading. That''s an important point--after all, guys are guys and most don''t pay attention to things like this. Make sure he''s familiar with the concept before even thinking about bringing up an upgrade for yourself. Otherwise I can see how he could take it as "the diamond you bought me isn''t good enough".

 

[Lorelei]

I too wonder if the suggestion might be better received if keeping the other diamond was an option and still worn and a whole new ring bought?

I am so lucky to be married to a very generous man who totally ''gets'' my diamond obsession, especially when one of his female work colleagues was grabbing my hand and drooling - ( reflected glory

), but I think as many times as I have had new rings, trading in my original 10 pointer e-ring would be a definite no go to him, as well as myself. No other ring would ever be our original e-ring and it''s sentimental value is priceless.

Therefore I wonder if maybe broaching the subject of maybe getting another ring altogether and keeping the original one might be a better way to go. But maybe there are guys out there who don''t see the point in upgrading or replacing rings at all and it might take quite a bit of time to win him over, if ever...Time and patience is the key here I think.

 

[perry]

devientdrow


Please don''t over-react to my post: A lot of ideas - good ideas - were being offered on how to get a husband in a good relationship to consider an upgrade.

However, this is an open and public forum - and I thought that the point I made above needed to be said.

You may know these people well... Fine. The rest of us don''t, and I have seen enough cases where people completely hid their issues until after they worked them out - or after the divorce was filed. Who would have known... is a common refrain from many - they were such a perfect couple.

He reacted negaively to the suggestion. Why then needs to be approached - and I suggest with care - and with sincere appreciation of the husband by the wife. Perhaps it is only becasue he had never heard of the concept. Perhaps some other things (mostly minor). I just wanted to point out that "one" of the other things could be very significant.


Perry

 

[monarch64]

Dev, this is an interesting thread. I do think the hardest part for your friend will be dealing with the fact that her husband just doesn''t even want to discuss the matter. However, she has planted the seed, so to speak, hopefully in time her hubby will remember that conversation and suprise her. Honestly, I think that''s all she can do for now...put the matter on the back burner and let it simmer. Meanwhile, it sounds like they both need to remember that what''s on the "front burner" and a priority is their relationship with each other, and that it is much more important than the size of her diamond.

I was thinking about how I would feel in that situation, if I were the husband. While you obviously can''t compare wedding jewelry and appliances, I came up with the following: if I purchased a big-screen plasma t.v. for my DH that he''s been dreaming of, and I could only afford a 42" rather than a 60", and he came to me and said, hey, what do you think about upgrading this after a relatively short time had passed since I purchased it, I would be hurt!!! I wouldn''t react with anger, but I would feel like not only was the gift not good enough, but that it somehow reflected negatively on me. Essentiallly, I would feel that I tried really hard to please him and make him happy within my means, and that he wasn''t "happy" enough, and somehow I had failed. I think it would "smart" for a while, but then I would want to at least compromise and discuss the matter with him and come to a resolution. And I think I would definitely appreciate him explaining to me that it wasn''t ME he was not quite happy with, but the material gift itself. You know, stroke my ego!!!

I definitely don''t think your friend is wrong for wanting a larger stone...it''s just the way she feels and it would make her happy. What gal doesn''t love to hear "oh, what a beautiful/large/gorgeous diamond!" from her friends and random strangers? Same as a guy likes to hear "dude, that''s an awesome t.v./car/recliner!" Or whatever guys are into.

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 8/20/2006 1:28:03 PM
Author: monarch64

I was thinking about how I would feel in that situation, if I were the husband. While you obviously can't compare wedding jewelry and appliances, I came up with the following: if I purchased a big-screen plasma t.v. for my DH that he's been dreaming of, and I could only afford a 42' rather than a 60', and he came to me and said, hey, what do you think about upgrading this after a relatively short time had passed since I purchased it, I would be hurt!!! I wouldn't react with anger, but I would feel like not only was the gift not good enough, but that it somehow reflected negatively on me. Essentiallly, I would feel that I tried really hard to please him and make him happy within my means, and that he wasn't 'happy' enough, and somehow I had failed.

See, I am the opposite. If i bought hubby a 42" and months later he asked to upgrade to a 60" and we had the money, I'd say great, let's do it. I wouldn't take it personally at all. The gift is for him and I want him to be happy and if that means a 60" great.My hubby doesn't entirely get my wanting an upgrade but he knows it's important to me and it will make me happy. He did have a hard time letting me be involved b/c he initially felt that an e-ring is a gift and should be from him and a surprise. I had to discuss it with him several times about why I wanted to be involved and we even agreed that I could give him my spec preferences and pics of 2-3 settings and he could make the final decision. other pieces just fell into place over time and I got to pick my stone and the setting

and when it's done, he can surprise me and present it however he chooses. All this to say this process has taken almost 2 years. Little discussions here and there. Timing is everything though and if finances are tight or other life necessities are taking priority then the one of the worse things you can do is bring up wanting a bigger diamond.

ETA: if she really wants a bigger stone, she might see if he'd be cool with starting an upgrade fund that they could put money in and save up. Tell him she'll keep her original e-ring but would like something she could pick out...

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/20/2006 11:06:44 AM
Author: perry
devientdrow


Please don''t over-react to my post: A lot of ideas - good ideas - were being offered on how to get a husband in a good relationship to consider an upgrade.

However, this is an open and public forum - and I thought that the point I made above needed to be said.

You may know these people well... Fine. The rest of us don''t, and I have seen enough cases where people completely hid their issues until after they worked them out - or after the divorce was filed. Who would have known... is a common refrain from many - they were such a perfect couple.

He reacted negaively to the suggestion. Why then needs to be approached - and I suggest with care - and with sincere appreciation of the husband by the wife. Perhaps it is only becasue he had never heard of the concept. Perhaps some other things (mostly minor). I just wanted to point out that ''one'' of the other things could be very significant.


Perry

Perry I don''t think I overreacted. Yes this is a PUBLIC forum, but it annoys me when people come on here and obviously don''t read things or comprehend the entire situation OR read into it as some major deal. I repeated myself more times than anyone ever needed too. I said the SAME things over and over and over again and it''s tiresome.

As far as you thinking the point you stated need to be said......well......that great. But I honestly don''t see the constructiveness of it. On one hand your suggesting the relationship could have deeper issues resulting in why the talk failed and on the other your telling me perhaps i''m too involved with their personal lives. Well I don''t know if secretly they are kung fu''ing the crap out of each other every night a la mr. & mrs. smith style.....because i''m not that involved in thier relationship. If my friend called me and said "Hey Nikki, i''m thinking of asking ____ about an upgrade again. How do you think I should approach it? Do you think I shouldn''t say anything at all?" I think if I sat there and started to delve into maybe her relationship has underground issues ect ect, I think THAT would be obtrusive and nosey. I only wanted some ideas to give to her should she seek out advice again.

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/20/2006 5:34:39 PM
Author: mrssalvo

Date: 8/20/2006 1:28:03 PM
Author: monarch64

I was thinking about how I would feel in that situation, if I were the husband. While you obviously can''t compare wedding jewelry and appliances, I came up with the following: if I purchased a big-screen plasma t.v. for my DH that he''s been dreaming of, and I could only afford a 42'' rather than a 60'', and he came to me and said, hey, what do you think about upgrading this after a relatively short time had passed since I purchased it, I would be hurt!!! I wouldn''t react with anger, but I would feel like not only was the gift not good enough, but that it somehow reflected negatively on me. Essentiallly, I would feel that I tried really hard to please him and make him happy within my means, and that he wasn''t ''happy'' enough, and somehow I had failed.

See, I am the opposite. If i bought hubby a 42'' and months later he asked to upgrade to a 60'' and we had the money, I''d say great, let''s do it. I wouldn''t take it personally at all. The gift is for him and I want him to be happy and if that means a 60'' great.My hubby doesn''t entirely get my wanting an upgrade but he knows it''s important to me and it will make me happy. He did have a hard time letting me be involved b/c he initially felt that an e-ring is a gift and should be from him and a surprise. I had to discuss it with him several times about why I wanted to be involved and we even agreed that I could give him my spec preferences and pics of 2-3 settings and he could make the final decision. other pieces just fell into place over time and I got to pick my stone and the setting

and when it''s done, he can surprise me and present it however he chooses. All this to say this process has taken almost 2 years. Little discussions here and there. Timing is everything though and if finances are tight or other life necessities are taking priority then the one of the worse things you can do is bring up wanting a bigger diamond.

ETA: if she really wants a bigger stone, she might see if he''d be cool with starting an upgrade fund that they could put money in and save up. Tell him she''ll keep her original e-ring but would like something she could pick out...

Monarch....haha i''m just good at starting controversial threads I can see where your coming from. She''s had the ering for about 5 years now. I know thats a pretty short time. I guess they are in just such a different space right now. It''s a big difference between being 20, with a crappy job and being 26 with a much better job in a much better financial situation.

Mrs.Salvo--- The fund is a good idea too!