Any Ideas on How to Appease a Hubby Into an Upgrade?

[devientdrow]

This isn''''t for me, but i''''m seeing what you guys can come up with for a friend of mine. She''''s just celebrated her 2 year wedding anniversary, and she would like to have her ering upgraded. I don''''t really know anything about her set, except both were purchased at mall stores and i''''m sure at a modest price consdiering they were only 19 and 20 when they got engaged, and I know their finances weren''''t great. I know we all cringe at the mall store but to my naked eye her wedding set has always been really pretty to me, lots and lots of sparkle. She has a .50ct round ering, in a plain white gold solitaire setting and a 5 stone (all rounds) wedding band. She is like me and doesn''''t want to ever change her wedding band. She has small finger and her ering to me has never looked small......actually it looks about in porportion to my .83ct on my big man hands! However after I upgraded my stone she confessed to me that she always really wanted a 1ct stone. That she would be more than happy with that. She''''s only been married 2 years but they had a really long engagement so she''''s been wearing it for almost 5 years now. Maybe more! Anyway when I told her about pricescope and the awesome prices for diamonds with the online vendors, and the quality she got really excited! She thought if she ever wanted bigger she''''d have to buy a whole new ring. She approcahed her husband about it and he flipped. He was not happy at all about it. She doesn''''t quite know why eithier. He didn''''t really give her a straight reason other than, isn''''t that one good enough for you? So were assuming maybe his pride was hurt that she''''d want to change the original ring he proposed with. I asked her about maybe changing her setting to something like a halo, and she didn''''t like that idea. She likes the look of a plain solitaire. I feel bad for her, I know that this is the ring she will wear for a lifetime and what would make her really happy is to upgrade to a better quality stone at 1ct or even just below. However, she doesn''''t want to keep bringing it up and hurting her hubby''''s feelings. It''''s a sucky situation

 

[ladykemma]

i was in this situation. my hubby got really hurt.

so i went out an bought an additional ring and wear them like this or as a right hand ring.

edited to add: people ask if this is a family ring. No, I say, the little one is the "he loves me" ring. he bought us a house instead, which i love and appreciate.

The big ring is the "i love me" ring and i wear it to represent age and all that i have been through.

 

[C Smith]

Be careful how you approach this! As a man, if my wife came to me and said "I want a bigger one" and I took it as "You didn't get me a big enough diamond", I'd be very resentful and angry. I think most men will have that response. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, I'm saying that's how it is.

If my wife was no longer happy with the ring I gave her because it's only a half carat and that was all I could afford when I bought it, I'd be hurt and highly offended by what I would take as snobby selfishness. If she doesn't appreciate the ring I gave her, maybe she doesn't appreciate me either? That's how men think if they're not gemstone enthusiasts in my experience. It sounds to me like she has misplaced priorities. If it hurts her husband and that's what she loves most, she should go another route instead of attempting to manipulate him.

I like the idea of buying a second ring or having a multiple diamond ring made that includes resetting your original stone in it. I'd insist she help pay for it too.

 

[ladykemma]

yeah, what c smith said.

i bought my new rocks with "my own money" and without consulting anyone.

my hubby smiles everytime he looks at the little stone. however it HAS been reset three times because i wear out settings. now it has platinum prongs.

 

[Ellen]

If I were her, with that reaction, I''d let it go for now. He knows she wants something different, no need for more arguments. I''ve noticed with my husband, some things take time for him to warm up to. Let him think on it for a bit. I''d honestly let a few months go before I said anything again.

Mine balked at my upgrade, but only because of the money being spent. He understood why I wanted one, as my stone was very small (.30ish), but that was all we could afford the time and I wore it happily for almost 25 years. He eventually came around, but it still took awhile.

 

[Lynn B]

Wow, interesting thread to get a little glimpse into that scary place

called the male mind!!!

It''s interesting to me because my husband is very practical and really doesn''t have an emotional attachment to my rings. He appreciates the beauty of a lovely diamond, of course, but upgrading to him is pretty much like any other upgrade (car/house/etc.) When I upgraded from my first diamond (from a 1.53 to a 2.36 RB) he was totally fine with it. I wanted it and we both agreed we could "afford" it, so his opinion was, "Sure, why not?"

I hope your friend and her husband are able to work this out, and I also hope more men weigh in on this topic!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/19/2006 9:33:09 AM
Author: Lynn B
Wow, interesting thread to get a little glimpse into that scary place

called the male mind!!!

It''s interesting to me because my husband is very practical and really doesn''t have an emotional attachment to my rings. He appreciates the beauty of a lovely diamond, of course, but upgrading to him is pretty much like any other upgrade (car/house/etc.) When I upgraded from my first diamond (from a 1.53 to a 2.36 RB) he was totally fine with it. I wanted it and we both agreed we could ''afford'' it, so his opinion was, ''Sure, why not?''

I hope your friend and her husband are able to work this out, and I also hope more men weigh in on this topic!

Lynn, where exactly did you find this man? lol

 

[Bluehammer]

This topic can hit a nerve with most men. The follwoing is just my opinion. This is NOT to say everyone thinks this way. I am just giving an opinion, not trying to start a debate or another thread.

A ring has an emotional attachment for everyone. It is a physical reminder or expression of an emotion. Some feel a lot of emotion and some feel less. It sounds like this guy may feel a lot. I don't know.

I have gone through extra expense, time, and frustration to research and find the ring I am buying. My GF would be ok with me using a B&M or just getting it over already. But I enjoy the hunt!

However, if I put this time and effort into finding what I think is the ring for "us", I would be a bit upset if 2-5 years later it was not enough.

It is mentioned that she wants a 1 carat. Would just under 1 do or does it have to hit the majic number? It sounds like a "keeping up with the Jones" syndrome. You could find a 1 carat that is poorly cut that looks smaller than a .90. By telling a guy that you need a 1 carat upgrade so soon it says - I want a 1 carat now, but if I have am given the ok to upgrade, then I can look for a 1.5 or 2 in a few years. In some guy's minds it may be opening the flood gate for bigger and more expensive upgrades.

If the guy is ok with the expense then great! It is not as if you need his permission, but you are married and should consider why it may not be appropriate at this time. I would love a sports car right now, but I am buying a ring. My cash is "allocated" already. Perhaps a discussion of a savings plan. Build up an account seperate from other expenses. It may take a few years but at the end you could say - I saved this much money. I would like a new diamond. Would you care if I upgraded the stone and put it in my engagement setting?

Discuss keeping the stone you have or trading it in. If all else fails you have saved the cash for a right hand ring. Never be ashamed of what you have. Many people out there can not even afford a ring or a house etc. Look up to yourself instead of others.

Just one guys 2 cents. Hope I did not offend anyone.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Another vote for keeping the original ring and getting an additional ring. Maybe something with a slightly different style (although you did say she likes the look of a plain solitare) so that it is different than her e-ring. That might make her hubby more willing to go along.

You know, it's funny. This whole idea of sentimental attachment comes up a lot in these upgrade threads. Sometimes I think there must be something wrong with ME. When I traded in my original diamond (two stones ago) I didn't feel even a twinge of regret. (Later I regretted that I gave up a good diamond and didn't just keep it and put it in a pendant, but that is a whole 'nother thing!) I had talked about an upgrade for years but never got around to it. It was actually *my husband* who suggested last year that I finally do the upgrade. (I think he was just out of ideas for Christmas presents, LOL!) I guess diamonds, for me anyway, are just commodities. I appreciate that my then-fiance (now happy hubby, 8 years later) gave me the ring but the symbolism lives on long after the diamond was gone.

 

[Lynn B]

Date: 8/19/2006 9:36:33 AM
Author: Ellen

Lynn, where exactly did you find this man? lol

Under a friend's car a looooong time ago! Really!

I saw him for the first time when we were both 15 years old, with only his Levi's and Puma tennis shoes sticking out from under a friend's old car that we was working on. He slid out on one of those little wheely-things, and I looked into the bluest eyes I have ever seen. That was 30+ years ago... and well... the rest is, as they say... history!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

My husband absolutely never even thought to be offended when the upgrade idea came up! I do think it''s really guys not wanting to spend the money on something that they do not see the value in who oppose it. My husband didn''t want me to change my settings because my rings are beautiful, but they are in yg which I don''t wear much anymore in other jewelry. So he said why didn''t I just get some new rings in wg or platinum. I think the woman should express fondness for the old set so his feelings aren''t hurt, but on the other hand, shouldn''t he enjoy seeing her happy? I see nothing wrong with keeping the original diamond ring or resetting that diamond in a pendant and getting a new ring.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

A question for the men:

Several men in several threads have said that they would be hurt or offended if their wives approached them about getting a bigger stone.

Men often compete with each other about the things they buy, so here's my question:

If some of your male buddies made derogatory or insulting comments about the diamond you bought your wife, how would you feel? Suppose one of your friends said something like "Wow, I'm surprised she didn't turn you down with a little stone like that." or "Why did you even bother?" How would you feel about that? Would another man's comments make you want to go out and get your wife a bigger stone?

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/19/2006 10:39:18 AM
Author: Lynn B

Date: 8/19/2006 9:36:33 AM
Author: Ellen

Lynn, where exactly did you find this man? lol

Under a friend''s car a looooong time ago! Really!

I saw him for the first time when we were both 15 years old, with only his Levi''s and Puma tennis shoes sticking out from under a friend''s old car that we was working on. He slid out on one of those little wheely-things, and I looked into the bluest eyes I have ever seen. That was 30+ years ago... and well... the rest is, as they say... history!

Aww, what a sweet story. Lucky you!

 

[devientdrow]

Wow i''m a little surprised by some of these respondes...especially csmith and ladykenna. I mean this is pricescope. Land of where most of the people have upgraded or want to upgrade. I post something about my friend wanting to upgrade...aproaching her husband ONCE about it, in fact I specifically mentioned that she doesn''t want to approach him again lest she upset him again, and all of a sudden she must be materialistic and wants to selfishly indulge her misplaced priorities. Her husband is not the over sappy romantic sort which is why she was sure he wouldn''t of had a problem upgrading. Their engagement was when they were very young and it was quite rash. She knows he did the best he could at 20 and has been proudly wearing her ring for at least 5 years now. I never made it sound as if she disliked her ring or her relationship. It''s just personal taste. Her hubby never asked her what she wanted, or went browing with her. If he would of asked her she would of told him that she would of liked to of had a 1ct ring. And yes she is flexible about that, I told her how you can find something just under that and she was fine with that as well. She honestly didn''t know that they even existed. Mind you like I said above, this isn''t her demanding something or arguing with her husband about it. This is just me knowing that this would really make her happy and I think it''s a shame her hubby''s being a jerk about it. Now if he would of told her, hey this means a lot to me and I love that ring I picked for you. Well then, that would be fine. But it''s like he just says no to her about a lot of things and never really explains why. But really she doesn''t ever ask for much. I think thats what bothered her about the situation. She never really got a reason why the answer was a no.

I don''t think she''d like a whole other ring. She likes her setting and to me it seems like it would be cheaper to just get the diamond. She was concerned about that. Ladykenna you keep talking about how you paid for your ring or the wife should be expected to pay if they want the upgrade and the husband doesn''t, but I mean come on.....don''t you think most of us in relationships who upgrade end up helping to pay. My thoughts have always been when your in a marriage you end up sharing your money anyway. It''s not like she would sit there and demand he go out and buy her something, they would pay for it together.I know there have been people on here whose hubby''s have surprised them with upgrades and they didn''t have to add anything to it but I know there are others of us that have helped out too!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone. Even those I said I was shocked by, but I really am shocked. I don''t know why someone would assume from what I originally wrote that she was in any way being selfish or having her priorities out of line. I got some ideas and like I said hers is tricky because she doesn''t want to change her setting or anything. I was just thinking after she initially shocked him, now that he knows it''s something she really wants maybe she could go back and just give him some information on what it would entail. It''s been a while since she initially bought it up and maybe she could explain to him this time around why she even mentioned it.

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/19/2006 10:50:13 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
A question for the men:

Several men in several threads have said that they would be hurt or offended if their wives approached them about getting a bigger stone.

Men often compete with each other about the things they buy, so here''s my question:

If some of your male buddies made derogatory or insulting comments about the diamond you bought your wife, how would you feel? Suppose one of your friends said something like ''Wow, I''m surprised she didn''t turn you down with a little stone like that.'' or ''Why did you even bother?'' How would you feel about that? Would another man''s comments make you want to go out and get your wife a bigger stone?

I bet I know some guys who would! Thats a good questions. In fact her hubby is very competitive and he probably would of reacted more strongly to that than to her talking to him about it.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 8/19/2006 11:13:34 AM
Author: devientdrow
Wow i''m a little surprised by some of these respondes...especially csmith and ladykenna. I mean this is pricescope. Land of where most of the people have upgraded or want to upgrade. I post something about my friend wanting to upgrade...aproaching her husband ONCE about it, in fact I specifically mentioned that she doesn''t want to approach him again lest she upset him again, and all of a sudden she must be materialistic and wants to selfishly indulge her misplaced priorities. Her husband is not the over sappy romantic sort which is why she was sure he wouldn''t of had a problem upgrading. Their engagement was when they were very young and it was quite rash. She knows he did the best he could at 20 and has been proudly wearing her ring for at least 5 years now. I never made it sound as if she disliked her ring or her relationship. It''s just personal taste. Her hubby never asked her what she wanted, or went browing with her. If he would of asked her she would of told him that she would of liked to of had a 1ct ring. And yes she is flexible about that, I told her how you can find something just under that and she was fine with that as well. She honestly didn''t know that they even existed. Mind you like I said above, this isn''t her demanding something or arguing with her husband about it. This is just me knowing that this would really make her happy and I think it''s a shame her hubby''s being a jerk about it. Now if he would of told her, hey this means a lot to me and I love that ring I picked for you. Well then, that would be fine. But it''s like he just says no to her about a lot of things and never really explains why. But really she doesn''t ever ask for much. I think thats what bothered her about the situation. She never really got a reason why the answer was a no.

I don''t think she''d like a whole other ring. She likes her setting and to me it seems like it would be cheaper to just get the diamond. She was concerned about that. Ladykenna you keep talking about how you paid for your ring or the wife should be expected to pay if they want the upgrade and the husband doesn''t, but I mean come on.....don''t you think most of us in relationships who upgrade end up helping to pay. My thoughts have always been when your in a marriage you end up sharing your money anyway. It''s not like she would sit there and demand he go out and buy her something, they would pay for it together.I know there have been people on here whose hubby''s have surprised them with upgrades and they didn''t have to add anything to it but I know there are others of us that have helped out too!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone. Even those I said I was shocked by, but I really am shocked. I don''t know why someone would assume from what I originally wrote that she was in any way being selfish or having her priorities out of line. I got some ideas and like I said hers is tricky because she doesn''t want to change her setting or anything. I was just thinking after she initially shocked him, now that he knows it''s something she really wants maybe she could go back and just give him some information on what it would entail. It''s been a while since she initially bought it up and maybe she could explain to him this time around why she even mentioned it.

well, sounds like it''s time for her to go buy what she wants then. for herself.

 

[C Smith]

Date: 8/19/2006 10:50:13 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
A question for the men:

Several men in several threads have said that they would be hurt or offended if their wives approached them about getting a bigger stone.

Men often compete with each other about the things they buy, so here's my question:

If some of your male buddies made derogatory or insulting comments about the diamond you bought your wife, how would you feel? Suppose one of your friends said something like 'Wow, I'm surprised she didn't turn you down with a little stone like that.' or 'Why did you even bother?' How would you feel about that? Would another man's comments make you want to go out and get your wife a bigger stone?

I myself am more of a strong individualist than a pack animal. So in all sincerity, if a buddy made malicious fun of my wifes diamond as not being good enough and it was truly the best I could afford, I'd be looking for a new buddy who wasn't so interested in keeping up with the Jone's. I love pretty diamonds and gems and by choice, I buy my pretty lady all I can. But if told I had to in order to be thought well of, well that wouldn't sit well with me.

For example;My birthday was just a few days ago and you know what I bought for "me"? An exceptionally beautiful 18k yellow gold classic-styled cats-eye chrysoberyl ring for my wife to wear...because that makes me happy. But if told to buy her something because I have to make someone else happy, that would seriously dampen my pleasure in gift giving and almost certainly offend me. I'll buy expensive gifts when I want to because I take pleasure in giving freely to my pretty lady. Most men that are not themselves inclined to selfishness think much the same in my experience. A gift coerced is no gift at all, it is a blackmail payment in my honest opinion

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/19/2006 11:37:59 AM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 8/19/2006 11:13:34 AM
Author: devientdrow
Wow i''m a little surprised by some of these respondes...especially csmith and ladykenna. I mean this is pricescope. Land of where most of the people have upgraded or want to upgrade. I post something about my friend wanting to upgrade...aproaching her husband ONCE about it, in fact I specifically mentioned that she doesn''t want to approach him again lest she upset him again, and all of a sudden she must be materialistic and wants to selfishly indulge her misplaced priorities. Her husband is not the over sappy romantic sort which is why she was sure he wouldn''t of had a problem upgrading. Their engagement was when they were very young and it was quite rash. She knows he did the best he could at 20 and has been proudly wearing her ring for at least 5 years now. I never made it sound as if she disliked her ring or her relationship. It''s just personal taste. Her hubby never asked her what she wanted, or went browing with her. If he would of asked her she would of told him that she would of liked to of had a 1ct ring. And yes she is flexible about that, I told her how you can find something just under that and she was fine with that as well. She honestly didn''t know that they even existed. Mind you like I said above, this isn''t her demanding something or arguing with her husband about it. This is just me knowing that this would really make her happy and I think it''s a shame her hubby''s being a jerk about it. Now if he would of told her, hey this means a lot to me and I love that ring I picked for you. Well then, that would be fine. But it''s like he just says no to her about a lot of things and never really explains why. But really she doesn''t ever ask for much. I think thats what bothered her about the situation. She never really got a reason why the answer was a no.

I don''t think she''d like a whole other ring. She likes her setting and to me it seems like it would be cheaper to just get the diamond. She was concerned about that. Ladykenna you keep talking about how you paid for your ring or the wife should be expected to pay if they want the upgrade and the husband doesn''t, but I mean come on.....don''t you think most of us in relationships who upgrade end up helping to pay. My thoughts have always been when your in a marriage you end up sharing your money anyway. It''s not like she would sit there and demand he go out and buy her something, they would pay for it together.I know there have been people on here whose hubby''s have surprised them with upgrades and they didn''t have to add anything to it but I know there are others of us that have helped out too!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone. Even those I said I was shocked by, but I really am shocked. I don''t know why someone would assume from what I originally wrote that she was in any way being selfish or having her priorities out of line. I got some ideas and like I said hers is tricky because she doesn''t want to change her setting or anything. I was just thinking after she initially shocked him, now that he knows it''s something she really wants maybe she could go back and just give him some information on what it would entail. It''s been a while since she initially bought it up and maybe she could explain to him this time around why she even mentioned it.

well, sounds like it''s time for her to go buy what she wants then. for herself.

Well sounds like you didn''t really read anything I wrote.

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/19/2006 11:38:06 AM
Author: C Smith

Date: 8/19/2006 10:50:13 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
A question for the men:

Several men in several threads have said that they would be hurt or offended if their wives approached them about getting a bigger stone.

Men often compete with each other about the things they buy, so here''s my question:

If some of your male buddies made derogatory or insulting comments about the diamond you bought your wife, how would you feel? Suppose one of your friends said something like ''Wow, I''m surprised she didn''t turn you down with a little stone like that.'' or ''Why did you even bother?'' How would you feel about that? Would another man''s comments make you want to go out and get your wife a bigger stone?

I myself am more of a strong individualist than a pack animal. So in all sincerity, if a buddy made malicious fun of my wifes diamond as not being good enough and it was truly the best I could afford, I''d be looking for a new buddy who wasn''t so interested in keeping up with the Jone''s. I love pretty diamonds and gems and by choice, I buy my pretty lady all I can, but if told I had to in order to be thought well of, well that wouldn''t sit well with me.

For example;My birthday was just a few days ago and you know what I bought for ''me''? An exceptionally beautiful 18k yellow gold classic-styled cats-eye chrysoberyl ring for my wife to wear...because that makes me happy. But if told to buy her something because I have to make someone else happy, that would seriously dampen my pleasure in gift giving and almost certainly offend me. I''ll buy expensive gifts when I want to because I take pleasure in giving freely to my pretty lady. Most me that are not themselves inclined to selfishness think much the same in my experience. A gift coerced is no gift at all, it is a blackmail payment in my honest opinion

Perfect answer Csmith!

 

[Mara]

some guys just don''t get the upgrade thing and sometimes they just never will. i find that for my particular man that slowly and surely eventually wins the race. i plant the seeds of ideas of what i want...and over a year or longer i can just let it grow. eventually he is like yeah you know what, that''s fine! maybe we have one ''discussion'' about it....to talk about how it will happen ''in the future''...but i don''t try to hammer it into him nor do i keep at it...if i know it bugs him i just let it lie and then maybe re-approach it later. this isn''t just about e-rings by the way...i use this tactic on other things too. hehee. it seems like the more time i give him to get used to the idea that i want to do xyz, and then if i just start talking about it like it''s going to happen, somehow the transition is actually made. i don''t pretend to know HOW this happens inside the male mind, but it seems to just happen! of course lots of wine and chocolate while mentioning how XYZ is going to happen does help. hehee. but in reality, my husband is very mellow and easy going and feels like if something makes me happy then why not. and i feel the same way about him and his hobbies and stuff too. so i think as long as you can...you should if you want to. but i think that your friend needs to realize she has to be patient and she has to try to intutively feel him out. she may want to try to get an entirely new ring rather than upgrade this one, sometimes men just are not swayed about the sentimentality of the original piece and i think if that continues over time it should be respected, i mean you can''t change his mind if he''s not open to it at all. and i don''t think something like an upgrade is worth arguing over or being bitter or whatever. there are always going to be plenty of opportunities in the future for her to have other nice things. if my husband wasn''t so open to the idea of an upgrade, i probably would have just gotten my own small diamond and beefed it up over time for a really killer right hand ring or something. good luck!

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 8/19/2006 11:40:09 AM
Author: devientdrow

Date: 8/19/2006 11:37:59 AM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 8/19/2006 11:13:34 AM
Author: devientdrow
Wow i'm a little surprised by some of these respondes...especially csmith and ladykenna. I mean this is pricescope. Land of where most of the people have upgraded or want to upgrade. I post something about my friend wanting to upgrade...aproaching her husband ONCE about it, in fact I specifically mentioned that she doesn't want to approach him again lest she upset him again, and all of a sudden she must be materialistic and wants to selfishly indulge her misplaced priorities. Her husband is not the over sappy romantic sort which is why she was sure he wouldn't of had a problem upgrading. Their engagement was when they were very young and it was quite rash. She knows he did the best he could at 20 and has been proudly wearing her ring for at least 5 years now. I never made it sound as if she disliked her ring or her relationship. It's just personal taste. Her hubby never asked her what she wanted, or went browing with her. If he would of asked her she would of told him that she would of liked to of had a 1ct ring. And yes she is flexible about that, I told her how you can find something just under that and she was fine with that as well. She honestly didn't know that they even existed. Mind you like I said above, this isn't her demanding something or arguing with her husband about it. This is just me knowing that this would really make her happy and I think it's a shame her hubby's being a jerk about it. Now if he would of told her, hey this means a lot to me and I love that ring I picked for you. Well then, that would be fine. But it's like he just says no to her about a lot of things and never really explains why. But really she doesn't ever ask for much. I think thats what bothered her about the situation. She never really got a reason why the answer was a no.

I don't think she'd like a whole other ring. She likes her setting and to me it seems like it would be cheaper to just get the diamond. She was concerned about that. Ladykenna you keep talking about how you paid for your ring or the wife should be expected to pay if they want the upgrade and the husband doesn't, but I mean come on.....don't you think most of us in relationships who upgrade end up helping to pay. My thoughts have always been when your in a marriage you end up sharing your money anyway. It's not like she would sit there and demand he go out and buy her something, they would pay for it together.I know there have been people on here whose hubby's have surprised them with upgrades and they didn't have to add anything to it but I know there are others of us that have helped out too!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone. Even those I said I was shocked by, but I really am shocked. I don't know why someone would assume from what I originally wrote that she was in any way being selfish or having her priorities out of line. I got some ideas and like I said hers is tricky because she doesn't want to change her setting or anything. I was just thinking after she initially shocked him, now that he knows it's something she really wants maybe she could go back and just give him some information on what it would entail. It's been a while since she initially bought it up and maybe she could explain to him this time around why she even mentioned it.

well, sounds like it's time for her to go buy what she wants then. for herself.

Well sounds like you didn't really read anything I wrote.

hush.... i never said anything about selfish or materialstic. i am simply saying that of your friend wants to upgrade then she should just do it and not ask permission.

life gets good for women when they stop asking and start doing.

edited to add: assuming her fianances are in order.

 

[devientdrow]

Thanks Mara! Thats what I was thinking! She brought it up to him maybe around last christmas? She hasn''t even thought to bring it up again. They just celebrated their anniversary and it made me remember and it''s one of those things that I know she wants. But your tactic....good tactic btw!...is what I was thinking. And maybe to make it more casual next time. She asked last year around christmas, and she was telling me about every year at christmas he would think to buy her jewelry and she had to ask him to stop! She''s just a huge fancy jewelry person....only her wedding set! So maybe if he asks her if she wants jewelry this year she could casually slip in that the only costly purchase she would make would be an upgrade or something. I think actually she told him I upgraded mine and that helped a little. Maybe the main thing was he had never heard of anyone doing that before.

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/19/2006 11:47:03 AM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 8/19/2006 11:40:09 AM
Author: devientdrow

Date: 8/19/2006 11:37:59 AM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 8/19/2006 11:13:34 AM
Author: devientdrow
Wow i''m a little surprised by some of these respondes...especially csmith and ladykenna. I mean this is pricescope. Land of where most of the people have upgraded or want to upgrade. I post something about my friend wanting to upgrade...aproaching her husband ONCE about it, in fact I specifically mentioned that she doesn''t want to approach him again lest she upset him again, and all of a sudden she must be materialistic and wants to selfishly indulge her misplaced priorities. Her husband is not the over sappy romantic sort which is why she was sure he wouldn''t of had a problem upgrading. Their engagement was when they were very young and it was quite rash. She knows he did the best he could at 20 and has been proudly wearing her ring for at least 5 years now. I never made it sound as if she disliked her ring or her relationship. It''s just personal taste. Her hubby never asked her what she wanted, or went browing with her. If he would of asked her she would of told him that she would of liked to of had a 1ct ring. And yes she is flexible about that, I told her how you can find something just under that and she was fine with that as well. She honestly didn''t know that they even existed. Mind you like I said above, this isn''t her demanding something or arguing with her husband about it. This is just me knowing that this would really make her happy and I think it''s a shame her hubby''s being a jerk about it. Now if he would of told her, hey this means a lot to me and I love that ring I picked for you. Well then, that would be fine. But it''s like he just says no to her about a lot of things and never really explains why. But really she doesn''t ever ask for much. I think thats what bothered her about the situation. She never really got a reason why the answer was a no.

I don''t think she''d like a whole other ring. She likes her setting and to me it seems like it would be cheaper to just get the diamond. She was concerned about that. Ladykenna you keep talking about how you paid for your ring or the wife should be expected to pay if they want the upgrade and the husband doesn''t, but I mean come on.....don''t you think most of us in relationships who upgrade end up helping to pay. My thoughts have always been when your in a marriage you end up sharing your money anyway. It''s not like she would sit there and demand he go out and buy her something, they would pay for it together.I know there have been people on here whose hubby''s have surprised them with upgrades and they didn''t have to add anything to it but I know there are others of us that have helped out too!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone. Even those I said I was shocked by, but I really am shocked. I don''t know why someone would assume from what I originally wrote that she was in any way being selfish or having her priorities out of line. I got some ideas and like I said hers is tricky because she doesn''t want to change her setting or anything. I was just thinking after she initially shocked him, now that he knows it''s something she really wants maybe she could go back and just give him some information on what it would entail. It''s been a while since she initially bought it up and maybe she could explain to him this time around why she even mentioned it.

well, sounds like it''s time for her to go buy what she wants then. for herself.

Well sounds like you didn''t really read anything I wrote.

hush.... i never said anything about selfish or materialstic. i am simply saying that of your friend wants to upgrade then she should just do it and not ask permission.

life gets good for women when they stop asking and start doing.

edited to add: assuming her fianances are in order.

I do understand that, I do. But honestly I think that would piss him off just as much if not more than trying to get him involved in it. Like ok you''ve been married a while right? So i''m taking it your hubby is mature hehehe. Were talking about a 26 year old guy here. I''ll ask you though because it is an option to entertain to her, so you brought your own ring right? Do you wear it on your right or left hand? Do you wear your original too? How did your hubby feel about it? Thanks in advance for sharing this with me.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Ladykemma, I don''t ask my husband''s permission before I do anything. But out of respect for the relationship, I do consult with him on large purchases. He has never once told me no (except when I wanted to adopt a 4th child! And since that required his active involvement over a lifetime, I did not pursue it on my own.). I would have an attack if he went out and bought an $80,000 Porsche, so I think out of mutual respect and keeping ourselves in a very good financial situation, it is best to discuss large purchases with a spouse. I think that is a sign of a healthy marriage.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

One more thing. I get more pleasure out of my jewelry if I feel that it is a desire of my husband to get it to make me happy. It is a gift from him even though I am picking it out.

 

[C Smith]

Date: 8/19/2006 11:13:34 AM
Author: devientdrow
Wow i''m a little surprised by some of these respondes...especially csmith and ladykenna. I mean this is pricescope. Land of where most of the people have upgraded or want to upgrade. I post something about my friend wanting to upgrade...aproaching her husband ONCE about it, in fact I specifically mentioned that she doesn''t want to approach him again lest she upset him again, and all of a sudden she must be materialistic and wants to selfishly indulge her misplaced priorities. Her husband is not the over sappy romantic sort which is why she was sure he wouldn''t of had a problem upgrading. Their engagement was when they were very young and it was quite rash. She knows he did the best he could at 20 and has been proudly wearing her ring for at least 5 years now. I never made it sound as if she disliked her ring or her relationship. It''s just personal taste. Her hubby never asked her what she wanted, or went browing with her. If he would of asked her she would of told him that she would of liked to of had a 1ct ring. And yes she is flexible about that, I told her how you can find something just under that and she was fine with that as well. She honestly didn''t know that they even existed. Mind you like I said above, this isn''t her demanding something or arguing with her husband about it. This is just me knowing that this would really make her happy and I think it''s a shame her hubby''s being a jerk about it. Now if he would of told her, hey this means a lot to me and I love that ring I picked for you. Well then, that would be fine. But it''s like he just says no to her about a lot of things and never really explains why. But really she doesn''t ever ask for much. I think thats what bothered her about the situation. She never really got a reason why the answer was a no.

I don''t think she''d like a whole other ring. She likes her setting and to me it seems like it would be cheaper to just get the diamond. She was concerned about that. Ladykenna you keep talking about how you paid for your ring or the wife should be expected to pay if they want the upgrade and the husband doesn''t, but I mean come on.....don''t you think most of us in relationships who upgrade end up helping to pay. My thoughts have always been when your in a marriage you end up sharing your money anyway. It''s not like she would sit there and demand he go out and buy her something, they would pay for it together.I know there have been people on here whose hubby''s have surprised them with upgrades and they didn''t have to add anything to it but I know there are others of us that have helped out too!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone. Even those I said I was shocked by, but I really am shocked. I don''t know why someone would assume from what I originally wrote that she was in any way being selfish or having her priorities out of line. I got some ideas and like I said hers is tricky because she doesn''t want to change her setting or anything. I was just thinking after she initially shocked him, now that he knows it''s something she really wants maybe she could go back and just give him some information on what it would entail. It''s been a while since she initially bought it up and maybe she could explain to him this time around why she even mentioned it.

I think that your first paragraph about her being willing to settle for a little under a 1 carat ring if only her husband had asked is telling.Especially in light of the statement about her knowing that he bought her all he could afford. If my wife told me she needed a one carat diamond to be happy when I was 20 years old, I''d have been offended since I couldn''t have afforded it and she would have known that as the woman in your quote above did. That truly seems selfish to me. Especially since according to the thread title, we''re trying to appease her husband into doing something he''s not inclined to do. That is manipulation.

It''s interesting to note that you claim she was happy until she talked to you about diamonds. Is she a relative? If not, you may be getting too involved in the relationship of another man and his wife. I''m not flaming you at all, I just truly think if it were me, I''d step back and let her handle her own husband...

Also, to set a 1 carat diamond in her old half-carat ring would require a new head of the proper size.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 8/19/2006 11:54:12 AM
Author: devientdrow

Date: 8/19/2006 11:47:03 AM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 8/19/2006 11:40:09 AM
Author: devientdrow

Date: 8/19/2006 11:37:59 AM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 8/19/2006 11:13:34 AM
Author: devientdrow
Wow i''m a little surprised by some of these respondes...especially csmith and ladykenna. I mean this is pricescope. Land of where most of the people have upgraded or want to upgrade. I post something about my friend wanting to upgrade...aproaching her husband ONCE about it, in fact I specifically mentioned that she doesn''t want to approach him again lest she upset him again, and all of a sudden she must be materialistic and wants to selfishly indulge her misplaced priorities. Her husband is not the over sappy romantic sort which is why she was sure he wouldn''t of had a problem upgrading. Their engagement was when they were very young and it was quite rash. She knows he did the best he could at 20 and has been proudly wearing her ring for at least 5 years now. I never made it sound as if she disliked her ring or her relationship. It''s just personal taste. Her hubby never asked her what she wanted, or went browing with her. If he would of asked her she would of told him that she would of liked to of had a 1ct ring. And yes she is flexible about that, I told her how you can find something just under that and she was fine with that as well. She honestly didn''t know that they even existed. Mind you like I said above, this isn''t her demanding something or arguing with her husband about it. This is just me knowing that this would really make her happy and I think it''s a shame her hubby''s being a jerk about it. Now if he would of told her, hey this means a lot to me and I love that ring I picked for you. Well then, that would be fine. But it''s like he just says no to her about a lot of things and never really explains why. But really she doesn''t ever ask for much. I think thats what bothered her about the situation. She never really got a reason why the answer was a no.

I don''t think she''d like a whole other ring. She likes her setting and to me it seems like it would be cheaper to just get the diamond. She was concerned about that. Ladykenna you keep talking about how you paid for your ring or the wife should be expected to pay if they want the upgrade and the husband doesn''t, but I mean come on.....don''t you think most of us in relationships who upgrade end up helping to pay. My thoughts have always been when your in a marriage you end up sharing your money anyway. It''s not like she would sit there and demand he go out and buy her something, they would pay for it together.I know there have been people on here whose hubby''s have surprised them with upgrades and they didn''t have to add anything to it but I know there are others of us that have helped out too!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone. Even those I said I was shocked by, but I really am shocked. I don''t know why someone would assume from what I originally wrote that she was in any way being selfish or having her priorities out of line. I got some ideas and like I said hers is tricky because she doesn''t want to change her setting or anything. I was just thinking after she initially shocked him, now that he knows it''s something she really wants maybe she could go back and just give him some information on what it would entail. It''s been a while since she initially bought it up and maybe she could explain to him this time around why she even mentioned it.

well, sounds like it''s time for her to go buy what she wants then. for herself.

Well sounds like you didn''t really read anything I wrote.

hush.... i never said anything about selfish or materialstic. i am simply saying that of your friend wants to upgrade then she should just do it and not ask permission.

life gets good for women when they stop asking and start doing.

edited to add: assuming her fianances are in order.

I do understand that, I do. But honestly I think that would piss him off just as much if not more than trying to get him involved in it. Like ok you''ve been married a while right? So i''m taking it your hubby is mature hehehe. Were talking about a 26 year old guy here. I''ll ask you though because it is an option to entertain to her, so you brought your own ring right? Do you wear it on your right or left hand? Do you wear your original too? How did your hubby feel about it? Thanks in advance for sharing this with me.

yes we''ve been married a wihile, have two incomes, no kids, and have extra cash. i wear the rings like the picture above. i wear the original to honor him, and the marriage, and how poor we were when we first started out. it really is a pretty stone. the tiny ring makes HIM smile, and the big ring makes ME smile.

I earned the money for the second ring one year while teaching and it represents also the blood sweat and tears that went into that year of teaching.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 8/19/2006 11:55:58 AM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Ladykemma, I don't ask my husband's permission before I do anything. But out of respect for the relationship, I do consult with him on large purchases. He has never once told me no (except when I wanted to adopt a 4th child! And since that required his active involvement over a lifetime, I did not pursue it on my own.). I would have an attack if he went out and bought an $80,000 Porsche, so I think out of mutual respect and keeping ourselves in a very good financial situation, it is best to discuss large purchases with a spouse. I think that is a sign of a healthy marriage.

well, we have an agreement that we can spend 2000 without consulting the other.

edited to add: i just spent a ton of cash for a new roof, we have a spending moratorium until the cash reserves build back up. also hubby will need a new truck in the future, so reserving spending for now. so, yes, we do communicate. I just don't go pawn shopping when the reserves are low.

 

[C Smith]

Date: 8/19/2006 11:44:11 AM
Author: Mara
some guys just don't get the upgrade thing and sometimes they just never will. i find that for my particular man that slowly and surely eventually wins the race. i plant the seeds of ideas of what i want...and over a year or longer i can just let it grow. eventually he is like yeah you know what, that's fine! maybe we have one 'discussion' about it....to talk about how it will happen 'in the future'...but i don't try to hammer it into him nor do i keep at it...if i know it bugs him i just let it lie and then maybe re-approach it later. this isn't just about e-rings by the way...i use this tactic on other things too. hehee. it seems like the more time i give him to get used to the idea that i want to do xyz, and then if i just start talking about it like it's going to happen, somehow the transition is actually made. i don't pretend to know HOW this happens inside the male mind, but it seems to just happen! of course lots of wine and chocolate while mentioning how XYZ is going to happen does help. hehee. but in reality, my husband is very mellow and easy going and feels like if something makes me happy then why not. and i feel the same way about him and his hobbies and stuff too. so i think as long as you can...you should if you want to. but i think that your friend needs to realize she has to be patient and she has to try to intutively feel him out. she may want to try to get an entirely new ring rather than upgrade this one, sometimes men just are not swayed about the sentimentality of the original piece and i think if that continues over time it should be respected, i mean you can't change his mind if he's not open to it at all. and i don't think something like an upgrade is worth arguing over or being bitter or whatever. there are always going to be plenty of opportunities in the future for her to have other nice things. if my husband wasn't so open to the idea of an upgrade, i probably would have just gotten my own small diamond and beefed it up over time for a really killer right hand ring or something. good luck!

You have actually struck upon the answer in my opinion. You dropped little hints and let your man think that it was ultimately his idea to get you what you really wanted for you. That's what real men want! Let us subtley know what you want, but let us feel like we're doing something special by making it happen of our own free will. That is manipulation of course, but it's manipulation that meets the emotional needs of both parties. See...we men are not that complicated for the most part. Besides, when I read the title to this thread, I was really afraid it was going to go to THAT place we dare not speak of

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/19/2006 12:02:52 PM
Author: C Smith

Date: 8/19/2006 11:13:34 AM
Author: devientdrow
Wow i''m a little surprised by some of these respondes...especially csmith and ladykenna. I mean this is pricescope. Land of where most of the people have upgraded or want to upgrade. I post something about my friend wanting to upgrade...aproaching her husband ONCE about it, in fact I specifically mentioned that she doesn''t want to approach him again lest she upset him again, and all of a sudden she must be materialistic and wants to selfishly indulge her misplaced priorities. Her husband is not the over sappy romantic sort which is why she was sure he wouldn''t of had a problem upgrading. Their engagement was when they were very young and it was quite rash. She knows he did the best he could at 20 and has been proudly wearing her ring for at least 5 years now. I never made it sound as if she disliked her ring or her relationship. It''s just personal taste. Her hubby never asked her what she wanted, or went browing with her. If he would of asked her she would of told him that she would of liked to of had a 1ct ring. And yes she is flexible about that, I told her how you can find something just under that and she was fine with that as well. She honestly didn''t know that they even existed. Mind you like I said above, this isn''t her demanding something or arguing with her husband about it. This is just me knowing that this would really make her happy and I think it''s a shame her hubby''s being a jerk about it. Now if he would of told her, hey this means a lot to me and I love that ring I picked for you. Well then, that would be fine. But it''s like he just says no to her about a lot of things and never really explains why. But really she doesn''t ever ask for much. I think thats what bothered her about the situation. She never really got a reason why the answer was a no.

I don''t think she''d like a whole other ring. She likes her setting and to me it seems like it would be cheaper to just get the diamond. She was concerned about that. Ladykenna you keep talking about how you paid for your ring or the wife should be expected to pay if they want the upgrade and the husband doesn''t, but I mean come on.....don''t you think most of us in relationships who upgrade end up helping to pay. My thoughts have always been when your in a marriage you end up sharing your money anyway. It''s not like she would sit there and demand he go out and buy her something, they would pay for it together.I know there have been people on here whose hubby''s have surprised them with upgrades and they didn''t have to add anything to it but I know there are others of us that have helped out too!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone. Even those I said I was shocked by, but I really am shocked. I don''t know why someone would assume from what I originally wrote that she was in any way being selfish or having her priorities out of line. I got some ideas and like I said hers is tricky because she doesn''t want to change her setting or anything. I was just thinking after she initially shocked him, now that he knows it''s something she really wants maybe she could go back and just give him some information on what it would entail. It''s been a while since she initially bought it up and maybe she could explain to him this time around why she even mentioned it.

I think that your first paragraph about her being willing to settle for a little under a 1 carat ring if only her husband had asked is telling.Especially in light of the statement about her knowing that he bought her all he could afford. If my wife told me she needed a one carat diamond to be happy when I was 20 years old, I''d have been offended since I couldn''t have afforded it and she would have known that as the woman in your quote above did. That truly seems selfish to me. Especially since according to the thread title, we''re trying to appease her husband into doing something he''s not inclined to do. That is manipulation.

It''s interesting to note that you claim she was happy until she talked to you about diamonds. Is she a relative? If not, you may be getting too involved in the relationship of another man and his wife. I''m not flaming you at all, I just truly think if it were me, I''d step back and let her handle her own husband...

Also, to set a 1 carat diamond in her old half-carat ring would require a new head of the proper size.

Ok. I''m going to apologize in advance if I sound annoyed, but i''m frustrated. I went out of my way to type on and on about the character of my friend and your thinking you can judge it by the words I chose in typing something. I didn''t start this thread to say hey, what do you think of my friend for wanting to upgrade? I started to ask if anyone had any ideas on how to help her perhaps one day get what I know she would really like. She''s a great person, and a wonderful wife and I think that if someday....even if it''s 15 years in the future...that it would be wonderful if she could of gotten what she likes. Really she didn''t know anything about her first ring. Where he got it. How much it was ect ect. That was me. I was saying that i''m pretty sure he got what he could afford considering he was 20 and proposing to his grlfriend of like 6 months.I specifically said above she has been HAPPILY wearing her set and I never said she didn''t like it. Her dream ring would be around 1ct. Thats what in her heart she would love to have. If that makes someone a bad or selfsih person well then most of the people on here must be. I hear people talk about all the time what they would love to have. Some people know it''s out of reach but I think shooting for an upgrade of a little below a carat to a 1ct stone is perfectly acceptable. So i''ll put a big ole disclaimer on this one and maybe it will be clear: SHE IS HAPPY. SHE LIKES HER RING. SHE WOULD LIKE IT TO BE A LITTLE BIGGER, BUT IF IT NEVER GETS THAT WAY SHE WILL STILL LIKE HER RING.

I think your truly reading into this and maybe because your male your feeling like her husband is some sort of victim in the situation. I don''t know. I don''t think it''s manipulation. If he would of ever of talked to her about it, or given her any sort of reason than I think she would of been fine with it. The fact that he just stormed away and never really gave a reason, like I stated, is probably what bothers her.

It''s not like she saw my ring and was like "I want that." I told her about the process I was going through in upgrading and in bringing the topic up she shared her thoughts with me. I think your really misreading the whole situation, like activly i''m trying to get her to manipulate her poor wittle broken romantic husband into buying the big bad diamond. I mean seriously this is something that came up 9 months ago, that popped into my head again with them having an anniversary...like I stated above. I figured I could get some ideas from people on how she could give the convo one more try, if she wanted to.